Everyone copes with divorce in a unique way. We make good choices and bad choices or some of both, but sometimes we do something that really isn’t good or bad: we lie to ourselves. Lies we tell ourselves provide a temporary soothing solution to our broken hearts, they justify our decisions, or they make us feel less anxious about things.
Here are 20 lies we tell ourselves in divorce and my reply to each:
1. I could care less what happens to my ex.
Ask yourself if that’s really true. Isn’t there a part of you who will always care about your ex? As time goes by, (and I can say this since I’ve been divorced for a really long time) your ex actually begins to feel like family. In other words, you realize that even in your angriest days, you cared, which is why you were so angry, and you always cared. You never stopped. That doesn’t mean you wanted to or want to get back together, or that you forgive what he or she did. It just means you care, like you would another relative.
2. I hate when I’m not with my kids.
I would say this is true at the beginning of a divorce, when you aren’t used to being home alone without the kids. But after awhile, don’t feel guilty if you enjoy the break from the kids! Being alone offers reprieve from stress. Doing nice things for yourself and having some life enjoyment that doesn’t involve your kids makes you a happier, better parent.
3. I don’t want to meet anyone and I’m never getting married again.
Maybe not right this minute, but eventually you will want to meet someone, and yes, you might get married again. You’re saying this to protect yourself because you are afraid of dating after divorce and fear you might never meet anyone. I’m not saying you aren’t independent or that you are not capable of staying single, but if you got married once before, chances are you enjoy marriage–if it’s with the right person.
4. I had the best life when I was married.
We tend to remember things like we wish they would have been. So, when I hear people say “I had the best life when I was married,” I realize that this is them remembering what was good, what worked, what was easy, and not thinking about all the things that really weren’t working, what was really bad because it’s just too painful to think of the bad stuff.
5. When I was married, I was really miserable.
Yes, but there were times when you were really happy, too! It’s great to remember some of the happy times and to have gratitude for them. It wasn’t all bad, was it?
6. People know the divorce wasn’t my fault.
It doesn’t matter what others think, and in time, it won’t really matter whose fault it was. Chances are, the marriage ending was a combination of your and his/her fault. In time, just try to learn from your mistakes, so that you are a better partner in your next relationship.
7. My attorney really hates my ex.
I hate to tell you this, but your attorney has to say that because you are paying him or her. Plus, it doesn’t matter.
8. I have no interest in looking at my ex’s social media.
Everyone is curious when it comes to their ex. It’s OK! That’s only natural. Just don’t become a stalker or spend too much time on it, because it’s sort of a no-win situation. If you see your ex with another woman, ask yourself if you will be upset. If you see him in a photo looking good and/or looking like he’s having fun, will that bother you? Of course it will. If you see your ex with a mutual friend who you thought was taking your side, will that upset you? Of course it will. So, what good comes from looking at his social media? NONE! But, if you do, that doesn’t make you a bad person. My advice is: love yourself enough to stay away from it.
9. I hate dating.
I think everyone has a love/hate relationship with date. Everyone hates bad dates, but good dates make dating really, really fun!
10. Sex with my ex was awful.
Hmm…I guess this one depends on the situation. If he/she abused you, or if he/she cheated on you, or if he/she was mean, then yes, it probably is. If he or she is the slightest bit nice to you, you might have moments when you remember how cute he or she was, so to think about sex probably isn’t repulsive. Also, if you think about the sex with your ex, that doesn’t mean you want to get back together with the person. You might just miss him/her. That’s normal!
11. The thought of having sex with another man/woman is repulsive.
Maybe today it feels that way, and maybe it will for a long time. There is no hurry to jump back into a physical relationship with anyone. Take all the time you need. If you have been hurt, it’s hard to trust again, and so every man seems disgusting. But remember that you deserve to be happy with someone if that’s what you want, and someday, when the timing is right, you won’t feel nauseated by the thought of having sex with someone.
12. If my kids knew what he did to me, they would hate him.
Kids are really smart. They know exactly what happened in your divorce. Even really young kids know. People often say, “My kids will never know that my ex had affairs.” I always tell them, “Your kids already know the truth, even if they don’t want to face it. ” And, no matter what your ex did, your kids will always love him because he is their father.
That doesn’t mean they approve of what he did, or that they aren’t upset with him for hurting you. They might feel very very angry with him, but you might never know that. It’s just something you have to accept. It’s frustrating and seems unfair, but remember that your kids love you and remember that they do know what he did, but that they have unconditional love for both their parents.
13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships.
When people get divorced, they are vulnerable to getting into bad relationships. I’m not judging. I did it. Just realize what the relationship is, and DON’T MARRY THE PERSON! And, don’t beat yourself up if you look back and realize you let someone treat you really badly. It’s OK. You weren’t you. Getting divorced is about growth and becoming the best person we possible can.
14. My life is really messed up, thanks to him or her.
I think this is one of the most interesting lies we tell ourselves. I read a comment from a woman who claimed she got fired from her job because her boss knew she was going through a divorce and fired her for it.
I find that really hard to believe, and think maybe she couldn’t handle her divorce, and therefore started not doing well at the job, leading to her being fired. That’s very sad and I feel terrible for the woman, but honestly, she shouldn’t be blaming her ex. OK, maybe her ex put bad things in motion, but at what point do you take responsibility for things, stop playing the victim, and fix your life yourself? Your life might be messed up because of your ex, but you have 100% control on fixing it from this point forward.
15. I love my new life.
If you feel that way, that is wonderful, but remember that it’s OK to say “this stinks” on certain days. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. Being angry and feeling like life is unfair, at times, is normal, even healthy. You are allowed to cry and throw fits and be angry that you are going through a divorce. Also, eventually, you WILL love your life. But it takes time.
16. If I could just meet someone, I know my life would fall into place.
Reverse that. Work on your life, career, kids, hobbies, yourself. When that falls into place, you will meet someone. I remember this one girl I know said, “I need a partner and then I can figure out what I’m doing with my life.” Ten years later, she is still single and trying to figure out what to do with her life! Don’t wait around to meet someone. Do what you love, what you think is right, what you think will make you happy, and that is when Mr. Right will pop up into your life.
17. My ex’s girlfriend is gross.
It’s easy to say that out of anger or resentment or jealousy. But try to remember that she’s a woman, like you. She met your ex and fell in love. You did it, so why shouldn’t she? She doesn’t know him like you do. It’s just the beginning. The infatuation period is in full swing. This is more difficult to say if she’s the reason he left you. Then I think it’s difficult not to call her names. But even then, try to have grace and hold your head high. That means refraining from badmouthing either of them. It’s not easy, but you’ll be glad you did. And, people will remember how you acted.
18. My ex is really jealous of the guy I’m dating.
Maybe and maybe not. Why do you need him to be? You don’t.
19. My ex is so happy.
People who are getting divorced fantasize in their minds that the ex is blissful and life is perfect. That is not the case! Everyone has struggles and if you are hurting from your divorce, your ex is hurting too. He might not show it, and he might even have a girlfriend already. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving your divorce. He’s not as happy as you think. I guarantee it.
20. I don’t care what other people think about me getting divorced.
Finally, #20 of the lies we tell ourselves. Yeah, you sort of care. That’s totally normal. But here’s why you shouldn’t. The people who are your loved ones and friends are the only opinions that matter. You might be the town’s subject of gossip for the next few weeks or months, but it will fade. Don’t give the a second thought.
Like this post? Check out, “10 Movies Every Divorced Woman Over 50 Should See”
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James
Hi Jackie
As a guy going through seperation after 10 years marriage I agree with all of them although some of the last I am not at the point in the seperation where that has happened yet.
For anyone going through this your brain is remarkable in pulling the wool over your eyes. It almost takes a concious effort not to fall into the lies above. You will definately still think them but just realise they arent true. And remember even though your ex may have some awful things to say about why you split up it comes from a place of guilt and hurt similar to the place you are in. Some or all of it may be true but remember it is equally your ex justifying the split to themselves and they are just as capable of lying to themselves as you are. Its not always about you .
Q.
This is the biggest load of bull*@!# gathered in one single place I’ve ever read! Not only does it suppose far too much, but it greatly deminishes the damage of divorce. Divorce is the single greatest cause of the decay our society today. Divorce is a hiddeous cancer and it is literally ripping our entire civilization to pieces one broken family at a time. Divorce = a fate far worse than death. It’s a special kind of hell, and it’s forever.
Insidious_Sid
Q, you’re spot on. There is much out there that encourages people (women especially) to divorce. The damage is minimalized and being divorced / getting divorced is passed off as being “something everybody does now”. Well, I have to encourage my own children never to get married in this kind of climate, especially my son who little than ever to gain and more than ever too lose. More men are opting out of marriage completely and I say good for them!
Barb
Yes. “Everyone divorces” is what my husband of 30 years said to me after he abruptly left our good (I thought) marriage. It is hideous.
Heartbroken
I feel you completely my husband of 27 years just told me he loves me deeply but not the way a man should love a woman. That was October then in December he told me he’s in love with his girlfriend of one year when he was 15 to 16. He wants a divorce and plan to live with this woman. I never knew anything two weeks before telling me these things he was sending me love songs and telling me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me.
Fred
Dude, take a pill. The fact that people can leave relationships that aren’t working out isn’t the greatest cause of decay in our society. It’s a fire exit. It really sucks if you need to use it, but if you don’t it’s going to be a hell of a lot worse.
Divorce is not a fate worse than death. For example, I am divorced. I started my day with a run by the river, and then met my girlfriend for brunch. After that, I went to the movies and then had a long call with my Dad about nothing before having a beer. It’s been a pretty good day so far. I haven’t been dead before, so I can’t say definitively, but just going out on a limb, I’d say this is not a fate worse than death.
Sorry she left you, Captain Happy. Can’t imagine why. You seem like a barrel of laughs.
Jackie Pilossoph
I LOVE this! I love how you spent your day today! You are inspiring, very smart and I am happy for you!
Fred
Thank you, Jackie. That’s very sweet of you and made my day.
Nance
Good for you Fred!
Your post brightened my day.
Stay well, healthy and positive. 🙂
Debbie
Fred,
Great points…I am in line with your way of thinking! Thank you for sharing!
Daisy
XD Laughed out-loud! Brill Fred, just brill – what a fab outlook!! Thanks for sharing
Bob
Fred, I guarantee you have no kids and were not married to a bitch that used the kids as leverage to threaten to leave with them of you didn’t give in to their emotionally retarded demands.
Fred
Hey Bob. One son, 18 months old at the time of the split.
The negotiations were pretty tough, she did some lashing out in the process and yeah, my son was weaponized to a degree. Also lost a ton of money, if it matters. She didn’t threaten to leave my son with me, and in fact if anything it more went the way of threatening alienation. If she would have had plausible grounds to just outright prevent a relationship with him, I question whether she would have threatened that card. But, there weren’t any grounds, I was well represented, and I did everything I could to conduct myself responsibly before, during, and after the divorce process. The best offense is a good defense, which is being responsible, honest, humble, sharp, honorable and humane. Including treating my Ex with kindness and respect, and trying to remember that this is someone that I once pledged my life to and meant it. Of course, I was scrupulous about being fair to myself and being assertive (but not hostile) about it. 100% recognize that may not work on every Ex. Granted, my phone can ring in an hour and I can get a dose of crazy (although unlikely, she’s moving on too), but I’ll eventually be able to hang up the phone and won’t be going home to that and I have new friends and great girlfriend to lean on if I need support.
But, it’s not about who I left or what happened in the process. It’s about moving on to the life that opens up after that and the fact that it’s better than the one I left. I still need to interact with her from time to time due to our son, and things have cooled to a more businesslike relationship. Mainly because she’s the custodial parent, so I generally give her a lot of deference on her judgment calls and I’ve continued to act respectfully and responsibly. Again, understand that may not work on every Ex. But, hey if she’s that bad, you’re WAY better off divorced from her than living under the same roof and dealing with that every day, no?
Good luck, Bob.
PS unrelated tangent–#19 doesn’t fit me. The wedding day was the best day of my life, hands down and if there were any day in my life I could re-live, it would be that one one hundred times over. We just ran out of good days a few years later.
DJ
I’m with you with the positiveness Fred but guessing you had a 18 months year old kid means you were married very short time. It becomes lot easier than someone being married for more than 10 years with kids enjoying the family every day and all of the sudden bang! Your wife had enough of you because you are doing everything but can’t please her in any way. She is not a bitch but she wouldn’t appreciate what you do or how you do it. So in the end you are the idiot that has to go. How to stay positive with that? I can’t, I am too attached with the kids and family life I just can’t let it go just like that and go for a run. Divorce really is a cancer because everybody is doing so let’s do it and that’s my wife’s approach to all these things. Well everybody is putting rubbish to landfill so let’s take this load of plastic and throw it in the ocean, see what the result will be. Our society is driven by sick system and that system is making money out of our stupidity, because -> you guessed it – everybody is doing it !
Leonard Perez
U were right on almost all of the lies we tell ourselves after divorce. In my case I had a real bad drug and alcohol problem which led to cheating. Since then I went to rehab approaching a yr clean and sober. We’ve been divorced almost 2 yrs and the pain is more real than ever I continue 2 support my ex wife and boy’s. Which places me second financial.
Bob
Leonard, that burden doesn’t belong to you. You dont need to support shit. You were doing drugs because you probably couldn’t deal with the fact you married and had kids with someone that was emotionally and spiritually shallow. Drug abuse doesnt just happen in a vacuum. There was some prompting. The fact that you must put yourself 2nd financially is complete bullshit. That’s an old societal bullshit pressure thing to make you feel guilty or shameful… its nonsese. Dont accept that collective guilt or shame…. complete bullshit. Especially supporting your ex! For what? She is able to make money for herself. Sounds loke you didnt hire an attorney. If you did, you picked the wrong one.
pjay
Complete nonsense. The world would be a better place if my psychotic ex were 6 feet under. And the divorce was entirely her fault.
Your generation seems intent on preserving a flawed, dead institution – it’s beyond idiotic. I prefer my sons never get married, and they already have a window seat at the train wrecks that so many young women have become.
It’s an Eat Pray Love culture, and moron white women have sprayed their narcissism all over it.
Samurai
I am with you.
After the 4yrs of marriage she had cheat on me with other guy.
Worst thing is They cheat their a way to happiness.nothing I could do about it.
Meanwhile I paying for house mortgage, car loan,insurance,healthcare and all other bills while we were married.
All the son in this world.
Don’t get married. Don’t sign legal paper. Trust me its not worst to you..
Sensei
For someone who is otherwise fully capable of taking care of themselves, marriage has little to no upside potential. And huge downside risk.
S
Sad to read some of these comments, I’m mid-divorce and really hope that everything they’ve witnessed and experienced in the last couple of years doesn’t put my girls off men or marriage, and I tell them as such – there are good marriages that do last, not all relationships end up like this.
Kenny
What I don’t understand if you and your spouse both know what you did wrong why not do better for you and your kids why just quit. And why try to make your kids think one of you were the reason it happened
Danny
If it were as simple as knowing what someone did wrong, it usually wouldn’t get that far. Half the battle is usually understanding what is going wrong, and many times that is a fiendishly difficult thing to answer. Particularly because the answer is subject to change. Even if it does get figured out (it isn’t always a mystery), what if someone won’t change? What if Dad is a drunken, negligent failure? What if Mom is an emasculating, rageaholic and refuses to seek help and only gets even more furious whenever anyone tries to tell her that she has a problem? What if someone is a serial cheater? Or is abusive to the kids?
As for staying together for the kids, it’s better for them to be from a broken home than in one. Kids get by with divorced parents all the time. To be sure, it’s very tough for them particularly while the process is going on. But, after the smoke clears, everybody is able to heal. Maybe not heal everything, but get to a happier place than they would have been in a dysfunctional home. Many times people will use their kids as excuses to avoid hard decisions. It does them no favors.
Not everything lasts forever. I had a beautiful 5 year marriage and the best years of my life were with my Ex. I am more grateful than words can express for that time together. But, we were making each other absolutely miserable, and we just couldn’t make each other happy anymore. We divorced while our son was still very young and we’re both very involved. We’ve even become friends again.
Are there still wounds? Absolutely. Would we be happy or even civil with each other if we stayed together? I don’t have a crystal ball, but it seems pretty easy to say no, we would not. And, we’re both happy again and our son is also happy.
superchicken
My ex went dating site crazy over 70guys in under 6yrzi divorced her she had done the cheating game for all of our25 yrhell my son is the only kid stile home and he wants nothing to do with her I got all the stuff she barely got visiting rights she is still fight in court 6 months later my 15 yr old won’t see her so I’m fighting for his wellbeing I’m getting talked to by her lawyer relreal bad and it’s very expensive but what am I to do my son asked me to protect him 50,000 dollars later on a visitation hearing we’re still fighting unfortunately and I can’t stand to even be around her anymore
CCC
Divorce sucks. I did a lot of the wrong things in my marriage and don’t blame her for leaving. I own it. I do wish however she stayed to see my transformation and give us another chance. I hate that we can’t be together as a family with the kids. I hate some other male figure will be in my kids lives. But I did it and own it. At least I am becoming a better person as a result #getcleanandsober
Jackie Pilossoph
I have so much respect for what you wrote. Your life is going to get better and better because of your self-awareness. that takes guts. Good for you!
Queen
Divorce is a part of our world. We determine how we would like to cope with this and teach our children in the process. Accountability and therapy are likely to go a long way. Lets spend more time reflecting, growing and healing rather than blaming. Your site is wonderful!
Sonya
Divorce is part of our world unfortunately. I feel that sometimes people give up too quickly and sometimes they stay too long. I’m not sure if divorce is in general better for the children. In some instances it is, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes the dysfunction only gets worse with divorce. The fighting more severe. It depends on how it is handled. On paper, it sounds so simple. Be cooperative and keep the children’s best interests at heart. But, everyone needs to be on the same page for that to happen. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. Especially when new partners are thrown in the mix. It’s hard. Life is messy. We do our best. Sometimes we put our best foot forward and sometimes we regret our actions. It’s human. All we can do is try to do better one step at a time.
Klaudia
I admire moms who are so strong and keep going moving on their life with kids even though is not easy. I find some points true to my situation after 2 divorces and with my lovely 3 kids. Number 15 rocks!
Lisa
I was reading about when your kids prefer to be with the other parent… It makes me feel so awful and unloved. I know they love me but I want them to be just as excited to see me. I shouldn’t have to force my kids to do things with me… I had to leave but never guessed I would be so lonely 🙁
Bev Walton
I have been an ex-wife (married twice before and am now remarried – 3rd time lucky). Along the way, I “inherited” 3 ex-wives from my 3 respective marriages. Having been the “new wife” twice before, I have finally, probably due to my age (now 46), started to accept and come to terms with the pain and heartache that comes with the territory of divorce. I have been able to move on. The points in your article are spot on Jackie. I love point 17! 🙂
Stephanie Stansell
Each person has their own divorce experience and some of those are horrible and involved various forms of abuse. My ex is a sociopath and dangerous and I will not allow him in my home. Now that I am divorced and I totally support myself I say who is allowed in my home and life and that’s okay! I understand this is a blog but men and women come to this site for information so you should do a better job of expressing that your “lists” are your opinion. Someone that is currently going through the difficult process of divorce may read this and take it to heart and beat themselves up over what you think they should be feeling.
jude
amen… ^
Jay
Her opinions are spot on, my ex-wife says that me saying she shouldn’t have my daughter spending the night at her boyfriends house 2 1/2 months after I moved out is an “opinion”. Opinion= getting called out for doing the wrong thing and not wanting to hear about it. Opinion ( at least with my ex-wife).
Storm
This is good advice allround. After I found him cheating 3 times, i decided to give it a go… Bad idea! It ruined any self-respect I had left and a great friendship with someone truly special. Finalising my divorce in December and still teaching my children that love is real. Some things in life goes wrong, but then you pick up the pieces and move on.
Timm
Number 19 is complete nonsense. My ex and I will never speak again. The awful divorce ruined that chance. However, I will ALWAYS remember my wedding day as the happiest day of my life. It doesn’t matter if it all worked out forever or not, Nothing can change the past and that is a good thing.
Garry
Look to Jesus instead of the other person. Do this for everything you do even if you are already divorced.
Look to Jesus, Look to Jesus, Look to Jesus.
Sensei
“No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” – Louis CK
Don’t over-embellish your memories of your marriage, or hold it up as some perfect thing that you can’t believe is over and would do anything to get it back. Stop it. If it was good, it wouldn’t have ended. You weren’t that happy, and neither was your ex.
Jay
Jackie,
Thank you for writing the Dating After Divorce article/post. As I read the article, I felt like I wrote it for my ex-wife. To the point, when I printed it out and emailed to her, I was afraid she was going think I typed it up and sent I to her and she would think it was fake. Odds are something was going on before we got divorced, but that doesn’t really matter now. My concern is my 11 year old daughter. Within 3 weeks of our divorce ( and it was a quick one, told she wanted a divorce middle of Feb., final March 29) she had my daughter hanging out all weekend with her ex-boyfriend and posting pictures on Facebook of her and his daughter “hanging out”, not the he and her were, but the kids. Now less than 3 months she is spending the night at his house. I feel sorry for her, when she said she had spent the night there, she had a look of guilt. The worse was this past weekend, Fathers Day morning, she woke up at his house, that hurts.
My ex-wife seems to think it’s perfectly ok since they dated before and she has told my daughter they used to. The points you made:
1. If you want to date- let your ex keep them or get a babysitter- Offered
Their relationship failed once already, I asked to give it some time and see where
it goes before dragging my daughter in to it.
2. Sleepovers are bad- She doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
3. Subjecting them to another loss- see number one, failed once, I said” she just
went through a divorce, what happens if this doesn’t work out again and you
guys break up in a few months. Basically 2 divorces in a few short months”
– not worried about it. none of my business.
4. Play dates with the kids- Told her your using the kids “play dates” as a way to
justify seeing each other when you have your children- response-Not my business
Sorry to ramble on, but thank you for letting me vent and thank you again for
writing it. I thought when she saw it and it was basically what I had been telling her,
I thought she might see the light. Her response- My attorney said I don’t have to
respond to your opinions. I wouldn’t be dragging around my daughter to hang out with new lovers, possible girlfriends, etc., but that’s just me. I could care less about meeting someone right now……. Thanks again, it feels good to feel right.
Daisy
Such a shame that people don’t realise what type of advice this site is giving: if you are looking on-line for a bit of comradery in your divorce, this is what you’ll find… its wonderful! Sound advice for those who are going through a hard time who may want some light-hearted, home-truths.
The clue is in the title: divorced girl *smiling* – she’s not a therapist, she’s a blogger who’s been through it and I for one think the site is a massive help. Like all things in life, I use what is relevant to me and ignore the rest (or at least take it with a grain of salt).
Thanks Jackie, for your wonderful insight into your experience and sharing it with the rest of us!
Jackie Pilossoph
Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words. xoxo
Tikeetha
Agreed with all but #1. I think in high conflict situations where you’re back and forth in court and that person is trying to make your life miserable…I could care less. I would hurt for my son who would hurt, but I am beyond who gives a damn. And you know what? That’s okay. I don’t have to care about people who don’t care about me.
Divorcingmum
Divorce totally sucks.
I’m the one who instigated it here and in many ways I’m happy that I did but I wish things had been different.
On my solicitor’s advice I’m staying in the same house as my soon to be ex husband until we have a financial arrangement in place.
Sarah Armstrong
I love the way this writer thinks they know everything about everybody. A separation is going to be entirely different for everybody depending of the level of abuse they have encountered at the hands of their ex partner. Truthfully in my situation I would never want to date or sleep with someone again and yes I do know my own mind thank you very much. Its ok for people to retire from looking for love and sex… It’s only because we live in a society so addicted to ‘searching for the one’ that it’s hard this writer to understand that some people eventually grow up and realise that the ‘chase’ isjust dull and predictable
Bill
If divorce and splitting families isn’t a big deal, that also means, conversely, that marriage and family isn’t a big deal either. Marriage seems to have no value or meaning when divorce is par for the course, it’s becoming just another disposable single use convenience item, a meaningless participation trophy like the rest of our disposable culture. Treating human beings as disposable commodities lowers my opinion of our whole culture. Maybe we just stop doing it and starve the corrupt divorce industry (and the slave labor diamond industry) out of existence. Think of the money and lives you will save by not indulging in some feel-good non-binding empty ritual. Millions of people are being raked over the coals for no good reason, to glorify a lie of lifelong commitment.
The divorce rate is hovering near 50%, and everybody thinks it won’t happen to them. You’re not special in this category, you’re just like everybody else. Nobody is special, everybody is disposable. So why roll the dice? May as well put your entire net worth (plus 20% of your earnings for the next 15 years, give or take) on a roulette table in Vegas and bet even or odd because at least that way you might double up. Marriage in its current state is at best, only neutral or at worst lose half or more of everything. Huge lifelong emotional, financial and social risks, for what? feelings? Fuck feelings.
If you don’t want to get divorced, don’t get married. It’s that simple. I take issue with the “You do want to and you probably will” attitude this author has on topic 3. I got married to be a father, I wanted what my parents have and I still do. Now I’m 40. I could meet a significantly younger woman, true, but I will not marry anybody who cannot or will not be a mother, and now that my career has been undermined I cannot support other children from another man. The author casually assumes that everything is probably just going to work out, but the odds of that are really not good. Younger women do not seem interested in me, and I am definitely not interested in older women. I’m know too picky, but I’m never going to lower my standards because I already have such a low sex-drive that if there’s no attraction, I just can’t do it.
There is really only one thing women can do that I can never ever somehow learn to do, and that’s have children. And since the women I have met refuse to do anything that could be conceived of as a traditional family role, I have to ask myself, what do I need or want a woman companion for? Sex? I don’t really care that much about sex, and never have. I certainly will not take any risks or make any sacrifices for it. The older I get, the less I care about it. When I was married I did more housework than she ever did, and she lied about it in court and was believed. The whole female housework thing is just a narrative with no observable truth to it from my point of view. If it exists in your case, good for you, but I have never benefited from experiencing it. If you want to complain about it to me, you have to actually do it first ladies, I’m not going to accept social stereotypes as true without some evidence in their support. And if I’m not going to get credit for the housework that I do, I’m either not going to do it, or at least not going to do it for you.
I have been falsely accused of domestic abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideation and alcoholism. My education derailed by these accusations. My career essentially dead because of these claims and the repercussions of divorce. My home was deliberately forced into forclosure and I filed for bankruptcy shortly after, my credit is essentially non-existant now. A female county psychologist, a female county attorney, and a female child support officer falsified testimony in court (I disproved all of these things with evidence, but the court did not pursue perjury charges against its own members to no ones surprise.)
I have every right to be suspicious, my lack of trust is completely justified.
The fact is that for as much griping about how terrible everything supposedly is for women, it is men who face pervasive, systemic, and inescapable discrimination in divorce court, especially when title IV social services programs derive their budgets based on how deeply they can reach into men’s pockets. Men are the sitting ducks, not the women, yet we maintain this grand narrative about poor victimized women who deserve vindication against the evil selfish men. Would you get married again when that is the unquestionable narrative of social activists?
The truth is that I tell myself I do in fact want to do this again, but I know In advance that the odds are against me, and that I will most likely lose and that is why I do not, and I simply will not do it at all unless its for a younger women with a plausible likelihood for children. Its like buying a lottery ticket, sure you could possibly win, but you’re most likely going to lose and the cost is absurd. If you lose, lots of assholes on the internet will get a good laugh about how bitter you are and remind you about how you deserve this because you have a penis and women in Saudi Arabia are so terribly oppressed and therefore all men should be shamed and held responsible for the wrongdoings of others. I already lost my home, my education, my career, and damn near lost my son, shame me at your own risk motherfuckers. I will never gamble with any of those things again, unless it is for children and family and that is becoming increasingly unlikely as time progresses.
I’m now 40. My goals in life are career, home, and family, and I must be secure in my person and my property before these things can reasonably be attained. My adherence to the social contract with every one of the rest of you is contingent upon these basic things, if you don’t care about me so be it, but be prepared to accept the consequences of that choice. We’re either in this together or we’re in it separately, and you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’m not interested in money or power and will not be swayed by possessions, fancy vacations, spurious pastimes, or meaningless sex in lieu of home and family. Home and family is my non-negotiable condition, as career is dependent upon a non-recoverable education.
Show me real commitment. Disposable marriage is not good enough.
The commenter above was not wrong about the decay of society in this way, some of us simply will not accept anything else, the family is the foundation of society. It is not wise to take away people’s reasons for living. Want to see what happens to men with no sense of purpose or meaning and no respect for the social contract? Turn on the TV, they’re the ones that often make headlines. Nature behaves in similar ways when animal families are threatened. We will not accept the abrogation of family peacefully.
JW
I was married to a toxic narcissist for 18 years. I was previously married and did not want to fail again. Unfortunately, I found myself just eating the bad behavior, I was controlled by constant the constant threat of divorce, gaslighting and put downs. I was never going to be perfect enough and the list of imperfections that I was ordered to improve only got longer. I couldn’t keep up and I felt my life was hopeless and I was constantly walking on eggshells. Adding to it all, my husband had a drinking problem and when he was drinking he was even more verbally abusive, screaming and yelling and stomping around. After 9 years of no intimacy or sex, I threw in the towel. I couldn’t understand why he treated me the way he did when other men were attracted to me and would have liked to have someone who was loyal, attractive, didn’t spend money, didn’t drink, or party, do drugs, was spiritual and faithful. I tried so hard to be a good wife and I wasn’t perfect but I made so much effort. It was never enough for him. I went un-noticed. He tried to controll me by constantly threatening me with divorce. Needless to say, one day I had given in too long and was sick of my life and after one of his big threats, I filed for divorce. He was shocked and I have paid dearly in every way during our divorce. He continues to make my life miserable at every turn. Of course everything is my fault and he owns nothing. Here’s my advise to anyone that is in a toxic relationship. Educate yourself on what you are dealing with and pay attention. Protect yourself and arm yourself with knowledge. My childhood and family growing up were normal, everyday loving people. His family were alcoholics, dysfunctional and actually tried to literally kill each other. Somewhere along the line, he was damaged and continued the cycle of abuse. I did not come thru this 18 years unscathed. It will be a long road back to trusting my own judgement and building my self esteem. I can’t say that marriage is a bad institution, my parents have passed the test of 65 years of being together. I’ve never seen two people so in love. Learn to love yourself enough to save yourself. When it seems impossible, when you are down and depressed, turn it over to god and I promise he will hear you and give you the strength to get to the other side. Here’s to “having my life back and feeling alive again”.
Heather
I am one day away from my divorce hearing, a mother of one five year old boy. I stumbled upon this site by mere chance, and as the end of comments that only the man above post was even closely heard-bcuz I Am an advocate for those whose children are stolen. But then I found your comment and it was like I wrote it myself. I am fearful. I am the one that chose to walk away after he had no option to return from walking out on my son & I for two months to go live it up at the neighbors “Fun House”. I had not one interest in another man, I Loved him. Love, I will always. He’s the only person to ever give me my son. But, while we walked out on us, we were living on a generator for over two months & had no running water. He took our only vehicle, even though we were two doors away. My “so called friends”, told me to change the locks. But I couldn’t. I wanted him to come home. He would come in and out as he pleased. My son, didn’t understand why he wasn’t there bcuz he had always been. I have been a homemaker for over 7 years, with doing odd and end jobs here and there. We were not chained to some cubicle, we chose to live within our means. And we truly had the epitome of what everyone wants from someone. I had been flying on pure love for so many years and I didn’t even realize I was running on fumes until November. An acquaintance of 8 years that was just a person I had spoken to here and there, I can remember if I said something to them or vice versa that night, but he asked how I was doing. We talked from night until mid morning. In all the years we never knew how much we were alike. I’m talking on the verge of “raised from same home, eat/like & dislike the same, beliefs & customs, & principles same”- to where it almost is eerie! We continued to talk—daily. We found ourselves typing the same thing at the same time- even hitting send at the same time. I could always tell my husband everything, and I did not stop talking to my friend even if my husband was sitting right next to me. He chose not to ask- so I chose not to announce. I never stepped out and cheated physically. But after months and I mean months of begging my husband to realize he was having an emotional affair with the neighbors wife. Then after almost burning their house down- I found out later it was from sleep deprivation & smoking “Dabs”- weed in wax form where thc is chemically derived. This was why he was Forced to return home. We agreed to go through counseling, and I kept talking to my friend. We were not in appropriate towards one another. But I felt this Man Renew my lost spirit. My lost smile. My lost voice. My lost broken heart.
Yes, I know I didn’t go about it in the “right” order. I chastise & take fully accountability for my actions. I feared what my husband could or would do- to me or himself. I still do sometimes. He has bipolar, but I never wanted to hurt anyone. If I could remove his hurt, I’d remove mine as well. But right now, this choice I made, I only care how my son is feeling and responding. He is the number one man in my life, and I do not think me wanting and getting a better quality of life for him & myself is so wrong. My husband doesn’t understand how I can have ANY Anger towards him. Bcuz “I did this”. But he will not own ANY of his wrongs including actually hitting me in the face in a fight or the emotional affair. Yes, I will give him credit for being a good present Dad,before he left. As well as I Rea did see him trying in the end but he wouldn’t understand that me accepting him to just declare that “his opinion didn’t matter, I will go along with whatever you decide”, is the same as him sacrificing himself & moral character; as we each have opinions. We don’t have to accept them but we respect one another. But he only started to show that change when he seen this woman being pulled from her burning descent by means of someone on the other end of that phone line.
V. Wilson
Ouch! That was hard to read, but I can see how true it is.
Jena
After 40 yrs of marriage, I decided to divorce my husband who has cheated most of the time. I found out for the first time after we were married for 20 years. My three children were still young and living at home. I was a stay at home mom but worked for our family business. I was petrified to think about how I would support myself and three children with no husband and no job so I decided to work it out. Now after several years, start finding out he was still cheating with many women and many people knew although no one wanted to get involved of course so he basically made a fool out of me. He had an excuse for everything, especially being a business owner, he never had any exact hours to work. He of course blamed me saying he didn’t get the affection he wanted from me but went from woman to woman so obviously didn’t get it from anyone else either. Just wanted to be a player going through a mid life crisis. I blame the fact that we got married at a very early age. Because I never lived on my own my entire life, I was devastated but felt I had to file for divorce to have some dignity left. It has been the worst two years of my life but everyday it seems to get a little better. It is a very sad situation as my children and grandchildren no longer see him or talk to him as he has decided they abandoned him because they were not ok with his cheating and lies. They had always suspected as they are adults now. They saw how he was not around to do family things with us. Always had somewhere to go. I did not want to believe it. They have helped me through this but I feel sad that they do not have a relationship with him. They all have two children of their own and feel sad they cannot share their life with him. He would rather be with a women his own daughters age. He has never even met four of his grandchildren and the two he knew cannot understand where he is now. It is just a big mess. They ask questions all the time and we try to be honest as much as we can without giving details as they are seven and 11 years old.my daughters have had shed many tears at different times and occasions and my son only has his father-in-law as a father figure. He is a very narcissistic and stubborn person who no one can reason with so I feel there is no solution. Everyone that knows this situation, cannot believe what they hear and how he acts like he is a single guy with no family and as if we never existed. I am moving on but my children can never replace their father. Very sad.
Dor
20 lies is different for everyone
I have no contact e my ex or his family after 28 yrs
When he divorced me, he divorced my family too
Yes I do think bout him and not in a good way
Maybe if the assets and his earnings were split 50/50 my thinking maybe different
I will not go to his aging parents funeral, and will not attend his even for my kids sake
I will date but don’t feel a need to marry
Having a ring is not what’s important to me now
Have I looked him up and his live in gf?
Yes and my kids lied to me for over a yr not to upset me that he moved on quickly
The fairy tale marriage we all want is just that.
Being close to my adult children, family and friends is what is important to me
That’s not a lie.