I love it when divorced parents coparent well. My favorite thing to hear is that both parties have put the children first and would not dare think to weaponize them. Children are entirely too important to be thrust in the middle of their parents’ breakup. They are innocent parties, and their peace and sense of security should be protected at all costs. Unfortunately, some people are entirely too selfish to prioritize their children’s emotional and psychological well-being above their own pettiness. Coparenting with a toxic ex isn’t easy, but here are some tips that might help.
1. Keep Your Hands Clean
I love it when someone says something so clever that the only remaining action to be done is to drop the microphone and walk away. The immediate gratification of a good comeback feels great, but can be very shortsighted when it comes to dealing with a toxic ex. If the ex is toxic, your actions will be subject to every ridiculous criticism that crosses your ex’s mind.
The remedy here is simple: Don’t roll in the mud just because a pig sends you an invitation. Your own integrity should not be dependent on someone who has little to none. Communicate only in writing (text, email, app, etc.) and only about necessary matters concerning your minor children. Remember that you are divorced for a reason so there is really nothing else to talk about.
Keep your answers courteous and simple, but provide all the information due to the ex and be done. When they become obnoxious, do not strike back. Keep a record of the messages and seek legal counsel about how to proceed.
Whatever you do, DO NOT ENGAGE THE TOXIC EX ON THEIR OWN LEVEL.
If you do, you risk being perceived as toxic too. You are better than that and love your children too much to become the thing you hate. Play the long game and don’t sink to a toxic ex’s level of disrespect and classlessness.
2. Keep Your Business to Yourself
Social media can be a great asset or a huge liability – depending on how you use it. When dealing with a toxic ex, it is safe to assume that this person will think many of your posts are about him/her and will add the posts to their collection of screenshots for later use. Keep this in mind with every post you make. I don’t care how funny the divorce meme is, don’t share it.
I don’t care how angry your ex made you – it is not his/her business nor is it the business of society at large. Don’t post it. Imagine every post you make being read thoroughly in a courtroom – if the thought makes you nervous, don’t post it. Instead, post things that are going well in your life. Be above reproach and do not cast your pearls before swine.
3. Keep Being Reasonable
A truly toxic ex is willing to sacrifice what is best for your children, at least on occasion, to satisfy his/her resentment towards you. A reasonable parent does no such thing, so keep being the reasonable parent. Your life is moving onward and upward while your ex is still reliving your divorce trial each night before they go to sleep. Again, your integrity is not dependent on theirs and your priorities are unphased by the toxic ex.
You will continue to do what is right and best for your children despite your tense relationship with your ex. You will still not drag your kids into this or use them as weapons. Instead, you are mature enough remain reasonable about issues concerning your minor children and to not sabotage the children’s relationship with the other parent.
I assure you that this tactic hurts your children more than you may think and again, they are innocent parties here – and the most important ones. Remain reasonable and leave the children out of any disputes that do not concern them, and even the ones that do. If coparenting isn’t working, there may be legal remedies. But as for your trajectory, it remains onward and upward with the best interests of your children as your top priority.
In closing, the best practice for coparenting with a toxic ex is to not let your ex-spouse drag you to their level. Your ex does not get to decide who you are, how you act, or how much integrity you have. Furthermore, your ex does not get to control how your children perceive you. It is not a competition, and ideally the children will have healthy perceptions of both parents, but children are smart and begin to realize things when they get older.
They tend to have the fondest memories of the people who loved them well and, unfortunately, carry scars from those who have wounded them. Love your children more than you hate your toxic ex-spouse and don’t engage more than is necessary with those who would take joy in sabotaging your relationship with them. This will protect not only your children, but your own peace as well.
