7 Tips for Living Together During Divorce

Are you living together during divorce? This can be a tough situation. After all, you’ve decided you want a divorce. You want to be separate. But what happens when neither you or your spouse wants to or are able to actually move out? There are so many reasons a couple might remain living together during divorce.

There are few things more stressful than having to live with an openly hostile, hurt spouse while you are divorcing. Believe me, I know. The negative emotions in this arrangement can be very damaging to you and your children. In some cases, spouses spend excess time collecting what they believe to be evidence for the divorce proceedings. They might record you, intentionally misinterpret everything you say, and try to incite conflict with you and your children. This is both obnoxious and annoying. And really hard to live with.

If you are living together during divorce, how do you cope?

I suggest you set up some ground rules that can help you and your spouse manage through the process in a more civilized and less toxic way:

1. Define your own space, and establish boundaries:

Hopefully, you can find different spaces in the house to sleep. Whether it’s a guest bedroom, a basement or you turn the family room into a temporary bedroom, you need to have separate living space. Privacy is important. Having your own place to calm down when emotions flare up (and they will) is key. This allows you to grieve and to feel everything from anger to sadness to resentment and to fear. Having privacy also allows you to begin living your new separate life.

This is the beginning of setting boundaries – physical boundaries.

2. Allocate parenting responsibilities:

If there are children, you will need to decide who is responsible for the children’s daily routines and set the schedule so that the children know who is responsible for what and on which days. It’s important to have consistency for the kids. Do your best to make the schedule cooperative and collaborative.

Don’t set your spouse up for mistakes by changing carpool schedules or holding onto necessary information or phone numbers. That’s counter productive and only exacerbates the situation.  Working out how you share parenting duties benefits you and your kids. It requires clear communication and commitment to the children, as well as commitment to and acceptance of your future co-parenting relationship.

This is the beginning of setting parental boundaries.

Oh yeah – and allocating parental responsibilities includes deciding who will be taking care of the dog and when! And be flexible – especially if you are both living in the house and sometimes one of you is away with the kids and the other is home with the dog. Be considerate. To each other and the dog.

3. Decide together how the household will run during this interim phase:

Figure out finances. You may have had a system prior to divorce that worked for you as a married couple. Now that you are divorcing, it makes sense to revise that financial system to reflect the new reality. Both parties need to be included in the financial decisions and know where the money is coming from and where it is going. Make a plan regarding how you will manage finances during the divorce. This is not the time to begin new conflicts regarding finances.

This is when you set financial boundaries.

4. Try to respect each other:

At one time, you and your spouse were partners. Now, you are separating. Remember there are hurt feelings on both sides. Your divorce doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse is a terrible person, it simply means that you are no longer people who should be married to each other. You are still both parents to your children, and you should act with respect toward each other especially in front of the children. That may be challenging, but keep it front and center. Your kids will remember.

5. Be trustworthy but get everything in writing:

Maintaining trust will be key if you hope to have an amicable divorce. Do what you said you would do, by when you said you would do it. Don’t lie or withhold important information. It’s really important to avoid “he said/she said” in the divorce. As much as possible, get agreements in writing (over email, text, etc.). You may be very grateful you did!

6. Minimize Contact:

Sometimes it is just too hard to be civil and it’s too hard to adhere to boundaries regarding respectful communication. In those cases, minimize contact. You don’t have to speak to your spouse if you don’t think you can be at your best or even close to it.

In divorce coaching language, remember “CIC”, Concise Informative Civil. That’s all you need to do in your communication. Keep the emotions and the drama out of the conversation when you are with your spouse, and let it rip in the privacy of your separate space.

7. Seek support:

Reach out to friends, family, a therapist or a divorce coach for emotional and strategic support. Having someone to talk to can help you process your feelings and cope with the stress of the situation. Working with a divorce coach will keep you future focused, with your eyes on what’s ahead, instead of mired in what was. This will help you overcome your overwhelm, which is essential in managing the struggles of divorce. You will be able to set realistic expectations knowing that the phase you are in is just that, a phase that you are going through which is temporary, even though it may seem interminable.

Peaceful is better when possible

All of these ground rules are in service of the idea that if you have to live in the same home while getting divorced, it is best for everyone to make the home as peaceful as possible. Letting go of some of the anger so that you and your children can breathe easier is healthier and more manageable for everyone involved, even though it takes Herculean effort.  It will be worth it in the end.

Like this article? Check out, “10 Steps to Reducing Divorce Stress”

Lisa, Certified Divorce Coach practiced litigation law before choosing to stay home with her young children. While at home with her kids, she became deeply involved in non-profit work. She supported her community as a public speaker and advocate. She designed community wide programs and was an active participant on multiple non-profit boards. A lifelong learner, she went back to school, earned her masters in Jewish education and became a certified spiritual counselor.