Accountability in Relationships is the Key to Being Happy

Most couples have some kind of conflict. What I mean is, even if you have a wonderfully happy and healthy relationship, you aren’t going to agree on everything. But here’s the difference between being happy with your partner and not: the WAY you handle your disagreements. Do you fight? Argue? Give each other the silent treatment? Not talk for days? Or, are you able to resolve conflict by communicating in an effective way? There is one word that separates those who can work out their conflicts versus those who end up with unresolved, resentment and lasting anger issues: Accountability. Accountability in relationships is a must for being happy and healthy together.

I wrote the article below when I found out Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were getting divorced. Now, Ben is getting divorced from Jennifer Lopez, and as much as I’ve always loved Ben, I’m not surprised. Why? I say this with love: Because instead of taking accountability and really working on himself, he decided Jen (Garner) was the problem and got married again. What a shame.

Here’s the article I wrote in 2015 on accountability in relationships:

Remember that scene in the movie, “When Harry Met Sally,” when Sally tells her girlfriends she and Joe broke up, and Carrie Fisher’s character’s gut reaction is, “You mean Joe’s available?” I had that same instinct when I heard about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting divorced. I’ve always loved him.

But my real reaction to the news of the Hollywood power couple calling it quits was sadness. To most, it’s hard to imagine what problems they could possibly have had. Ben and Jennifer have all the money they need, both are thriving and seemingly fulfilled in their careers, and both appear to be smart, positive individuals with pretty good dispositions.

Did you just roll your eyes? I get it. What does Jackie know about the Affleck-Garner family? Do I know them personally? Have I been in their home? No. My assumptions are based on what I see in the news, in the movies and what I feel in my gut.

There are rumors that Affleck’s drinking and gambling were issues in the couple’s marriage. Trust me when I tell you, those are no small issues. But whatever the problems were that led to the couple’s demise, their inability to work them out was a huge factor. In other words, there were arguments that occurred which ultimately couldn’t be effectively solved.

Every couple argues and has issues. I assure you that is a fact. Some argue frequently, some have big blowouts infrequently, and some will say “We never, ever fight,” which is wonderful, but rare. But the distinguishing factor between working it out together versus calling it quits comes down to one word: accountability.

There is nothing more frustrating than being in a relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability for his or her actions. In his or her mind, whatever happens is either someone else’s fault or bad luck. Almost like a toddler, the person refuses to take responsibility for anything, no matter what. In their mind, they are the victim. They rationalize things in any way possible to avoid taking ownership or any type of fault. In other words, they have no ability whatsoever to say the words, “It’s my fault,” “I caused this,” “I take full responsibility” or “I’m sorry.”

People who can’t or won’t take accountability lack self-awareness, humility, maturity and courage. Often times, men and women with alcohol or another addiction have this mentality, making excuses for every action. “I drink because you are causing me stress,” they might say, or here’s one I recently heard: “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a wife problem.”

In no way am I implying that neither Affleck nor Garner are addicts, or that they don’t take accountability for their actions. Also, I am a divorced person (aka someone who failed at marriage) offering advice on how to solve arguments. It’s ironic, but perhaps what makes me an expert.

Taking accountability isn’t easy. It takes looking in the mirror and admitting fault and then forgiving yourself for those faults as you work on them. Remember that an argument or a conflict always has two sides, no matter what. “It’s not my fault,” is a natural thing to say, but ask yourself if you had anything to do with it. Even 2%. Some part. Why? Because no one is perfect.

When both people are willing to take accountability, the barriers come down and the couple has a better chance of communicating in a productive way to solve the issues. But warning: you can’t fake accountability. In other words, don’t just take accountability to appease your spouse. You have to really take ownership of your faults and responsibilities. Therapy and divorce coaching can help with this. So can just being honest with yourself. Really honest.

Like this article? Check out, 9 Things I Learned in My Divorce

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at: DivorcedGirlSmiling.com