Advice for a woman who wrote to tell me, “My ex and my best friend are dating:”
As I just passed the one-year anniversary of my divorce, I’ve learned that
what many had suggested at the time of my separation is most likely true: my ex and my best friend are dating.
I have come to accept my divorce but I am struggling with accepting her betrayal. The signs were there that there was at least an emotional connection between
them, but I denied it, telling everyone “she would never do anything
like that.”
She began to end her marriage when my husband moved out. She had dumped me
by this point. At the one year mark, she kicked her husband out. I
supported their marriage, encouraging Retrouvaille (a Catholic weekend
program for troubled marriages) and by encouraging her husband to move back
in and fight for his marriage. I fasted and prayed for them, another
Catholic tradition. Despite my efforts (as if I could save their
marriage), they divorced.
Now, it appears that my ex and my best friend are dating (and happily!) I don’t want this back-stabbing witch around my children. I think the kids feel the same way. When I asked my son how he feels about it, he said that
when his dad tells him that there is a relationship, he will walk out of
his house for good. Their reactions make me feel good, like they are not
accepting what she has done.
In the meantime, how can I get past the fact that my ex and my best friend are dating? It’s so clichéd: the best friend ends up with the former husband. It is hurtful and frustrating.
The Ex and The Best Friend Dating: Brutal.
I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I feel about your situation. It is so very difficult, and honestly, what your friend did to you is absolutely disgusting. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
I noticed that you said, “I’ve come to accept my divorce ,which I think is a healthy attitude. That said, I think it takes many years to fully accept and heal, so you are definitely headed in the right direction, but cut yourself some slack. It’s OK if you aren’t fully accepting yet.
Now, onto your former friend. It sounds to me like subconsciously you knew there was something going on with her and your ex for a long, long time. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tried so hard to save her marriage. I’m not saying you aren’t a good person or a good friend, but you knew. Deep in your core, you knew. But, you protected yourself because you couldn’t bear the thought. And then you tried to fix her marriage so that it wouldn’t happen. It’s understandable and I’m sure may people would have done the same thing. But onto what is happening now.
Advice for “My Ex and My Best Friend are Dating”
They are together. She ended the friendship with you because she had an ulterior motive, which was your husband. Shame on her. That is immensely hurtful, devastating and frustrating. Let yourself grieve the loss of your friend. And, if you are angry about it, that is healthy and normal. The bottom line: she was not a true and valuable friend.
When it comes to girlfriends, I feel pretty strongly about the importance of having truly loyal friends who are there for you when you need them most: the ones who are giving and selfless and really come through in a time of need. This girl shows really unethical and bad character. I’m sorry. I would never do that to my best friend.
Let’s talk about the future. What if your ex and your best friend stay together and get married?
I would say, (and I know this is really really hard to hear) but you’re going to have to learn to live with it and be civil to her. Do it for your kids. Because don’t you want them to have a relationship with their dad no matter what? Just think about it. I know it will hurt like hell to be nice, but you can do it. It’s the gracious (and classy) thing to do.
But let’s be more realistic. Think it will really work out between your ex and your best friend?
I don’t. It sounds like she left her husband for him, and I never have faith in relationships that begin when someone leaves one person for another person without healing themselves. Their relationship right now is sexy because it’s hidden. It’s a secret. But deep in their minds, it’s shameful and they both know it, which adds to the appeal in a sick kind of way.
Something similar happened to me when I was first separated. The girl wasn’t as good of a friend as yours sounds, but she began dating my husband shortly after we were separated and it seriously drove me insane. I later realized what a waste it was making myself nuts over it.
My advice to you is, try not to focus on THEM, but instead on YOU and your kids. There are a million men out there and you will fall in love again someday and then they won’t really matter, whether they are together or not.
Lastly, I would tell your son that even if they announce they are a couple, he shouldn’t shut out his own father. Trust me on this. Your kids still need him and their behavior will mimic yours. It’s not easy, but this is a time to be selfless; to put your feelings toward them aside when your kids are around. Yes, fake it. Do it for them. It may burn right now, but later on, you will be so glad you did.
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Jon
I was witness to a situation like this. The story behind was that the girl that started to date the ex-husband already had shown that she likes to take “the wrong turns”. Evidences were there and you as a friend, you tend to ignore those warnings. But this happens with women that have a group of female friends, some single some married and then one of them will eventually see how a great guy your husband is and in her mind she hopes to get an opportunity like that, etc. If an opportunity like this arises, a divorce, there will be 1 of your friends that will try to take advantage if it. She is basically saying no to your friendship and yes to what she believes is the love of her life. Let her live her dream, don’t hate her but don’t take her back as a friend. It just doesn’t make sense to maintain friendship to a person that can’t be your confident anymore.
johnna
Happened to me exhusband and ex bestfriend, children involved, its the worst experience Ive ever had. She wanted what I had, she can have it, im happy and 3 years single. Dont care for my child to be around her. As far as im concerned shes not woman enough to be apart of my child’s life.
robin
My ex and I separated in November due to financial betrayal on his part (he forged my name on some documents). The plan was to separate for 3 months while he went to counseling and we tried to repair the marriage. He was at the house every day to see me/ the kids and we spent the holidays together and had date nights/ walks.
After our 3 month separation mark when I thought he would be moving back in,m he told me he was seeing a woman in town. Someone I am in the same group of friends with (we went out in groups and were at the same parties frequently). I am devastated by this. He promised me that if we divorced he would never date anyone in town (naming this woman specifically).
How do I get over this betrayal? My kids know her kids (same high school) and know he is with her. How do I get over this- Any tips for handling this. We live in a very small town and everyone knows. Our divorce is not final yet.
J hardy
My bestfriends (female) cheated on her husband many, many times. She abandonedh him, her children and their home and she left the state to start new relations with other man and party. We are not young adults, rather middle aged and very responsible. I have been divorced 3 years and I told her I didn’t condone her cheating, but was always loyal to our friendship. Then she got very nasty and had been harassing me to the point the police had to get involved. He does not want to meet a stranger, but is very comfortable with me as we all always had been best friends over 30 years. She had moved on and now he and I ate still close friends. He calls me and we speak, laugh and enjoy one another’s company even at a distance. He says he doesn’t want to meet a stranger to start over, but he does flirt and compliment me a great deal. Being that she hates me, cause she thinks I was the one who sold her out to him about her multitude of affairs, I honestly never did or ever considered being the one to two himonths. That was between them, and I wanted to support them both AS A GOOD FRIEND. Now I know he is a quality manandv deserves a quality woman as myself. We are professionals, own our own homes and have our lives in good places. I think he’s hinting that maybe we should get together. Although I feel it is agst girl code to be with him, why should I really care. She threw away a perfectly attractive, intelligent, considerate, fun and loving man and Father. Why should I let a good man go just because it’ll hurt her feelings. She had hurt me so badly, that I am finally over the fact that she will never be the BFF I had in her ever again. I’m not being spiteful, but why shouldn’t I pursue a relationship with him? After all, she threw him away. I think I could have a quality life with him, so what’s the harm? We’re all mature adults and not to mention, many of our friends have married ex spouses of other friends in our group and no one seems to cate, including her. Any input would be interesting to hear. I do not want to ever be friends with her again esp. After the lies and hurtful slanderous statements she’s made about me. I think her journey is over with him and maybe it’s time for me to finally have a good man that I know extremely well and possibly finally have a love that is wholesome and n good for a change. Hey, her stupidity, selfishness and lack of regard for him and her children, why the hell should I care what she thinks or how she feels? I’m completely done with her!
Julis hardy
I left my comment above
samantha
It seems to me, that you already took sides and it was his side all along. You say he’s a great guy, women just don’t leave great guys for no reason. Already making her out to be the witch and she has no way of Defending herself. It seems to me you’re looking for excuses to be with him, you paint yourself out to be a great friend but the truth is friends don’t do that to friends no matter what the circumstances. Exactly what you are doing to your ex-friend was done to me and there’s absolutely no excuses for being backstabbing and trifling. There’s thousands of men and women in the world not to mention she has children with this man who knew you and there mother were best friend’s. Do you ever really in your heart think these children will love you and respect you. You woman today are desperate and have no self respect for yourselves. Know this, Everytime you lay with him you will feel the pain of knowing you were not chosen just convienent..A warm body..You will never know that REAL feeling..
Jay Neagley
yeah I agreed but I wish I and my family can do that