I remember hearing awhile back that alcohol addiction was the number one cause of divorce. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I wouldn’t be surprised. Divorcing an alcoholic (or deciding to stay) is not an easy choice. There can be guilt involved, along with fear, frustration, anger, resentment, compassion, and a lot of other emotions.
Here is one reader’s story about divorcing an alcoholic:
My husband and I are in our 60’s and have been married for 22 years. We are in the process of getting divorced, but now I am having second thoughts. My concerns are my husband’s use of alcohol and other drugs.
He doesn’t get falling down drunk, but seems to need alcohol, pot, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety meds to manage his anxiety. He has struggled to stop drinking, but always starts again. I have done my best to detach from his drug use and live my own life, but I worry about our future together.
Recently, I found him drinking wine in a coffee cup on a Sunday morning. He had told me that he had stopped drinking, but then it came out that he had hidden a box of wine in the basement. He won’t go to AA or otherwise seek help; he wants to do this on his own. I see his mind slipping; don’t know if this is due to all the drugs or just age.
In addition to this, we have very poor communication. Any discussion about anything important devolves into an ugly argument, often with him making insulting, hurtful comments. For example, in an argument about money, he threatened to cut me out of his will and called me petty.
We have tried 4 couples’ therapists, with little or no improvement in our relationship. I still love him, he can be a sweet, sensitive guy, but there is another side to him which is not so nice. We have a beautiful home together, travel with each other, and basically like each other.
He has so many good qualities, but I never feel heard when we have a disagreement. We are more like companions than a couple. I am realizing I will really miss our life, but I don’t feel that I can rely on him and don’t know how to be close to him.
I subsequently corresponded with this woman, and found out she did decide to go through with the divorce, but that it was a very, very difficult decision for her, and that she has decided she will still stand by her husband and help him. That is to be seen, in my opinion, since no one can “help” an alcoholic except the alcoholic.
Here is how I feel about this, and for anyone divorcing an alcoholic. Every couple has marital issues. There’s no getting around it. But the problem here isn’t the marriage. The problem is an ugly ugly disease called addiction. This woman’s husband is an addict, in my opinion.
I feel terrible for this couple because alcohol addiction is a tricky disease that causes so much conflict and pain, and destroys marriages and lives. A person living with an alcoholic can feel love and compassion and feel like they want to help so badly, and then after a bad night have so much hatred and anger and disgust for the same person. It’s very conflicting and emotions are all over the place. It’s a vicious cycle that really never stops.
Alcoholism can truly ruin not just the alcoholic’s life, but his or her loved ones, including children. If you are wondering if you should stay or leave an alcoholic, please keep your children in mind. While divorce is very difficult, it might be the better decision because if the kids grow up living with an alcoholic, it can truly take a toll on their emotional health and how they will be as adults.
In this case, the husband, in my opinion, cannot break his addiction on his own (like almost all alcoholics). He needs to go to a professional alcoholic rehab center and let doctors and therapists help him. It works in so many cases. I have seen it work. But he has to want it. Hopefully the separation will be the motivation he needs to get help.
There is also the option of an intervention. This woman could get a couple of his close friends and family members together with a trained therapist and confront him, and then take him straight from the intervention to a rehab facility. These interventions do work in some cases, and if it doesn’t work, at least you know you tried.
Addiction has a personality of its own, which is why the guy and his wife can no longer communicate. It’s like she is trying to have a conversation with a bottle of wine. It’s not possible.
Addicts (even during the times they are sober) can’t cope with any type of stress or conflict, and therefore cannot communicate effectively with others, especially a spouse. They tend to get angry, irritated quickly, impatient, mean, and hot-tempered, whether they have been drinking or are sober.
Also, never try to talk to an alcoholic about quitting drinking if the person has been drinking. Do it when he or she is sober.
I personally think this woman did the right thing divorcing an alcoholic. But, I would never judge anyone for staying, either. The decision to stay or leave an addict is very personal and there are lots of factors that go into the decision. No one should judge someone for staying or leaving or how long they wait before leaving.
Here is the good news. I know someone who has been in AA for two years. He said the reason he went into AA is because his wife said she was going to leave him if he didn’t.
In his recovery, he realized he was an addict and has never had a drink to this day. The couple and their children are so much happier and life is good (even though he says it is still very difficult not to drink.)
Having an addiction is like having another disease or chronic condition, like cancer or Parkinson’s or anything. But, in my opinion, it is much more difficult because it’s hard to see it that way.
If you have cancer, no one gets mad at you. You go to the doctor and get help, and everyone feels compassion for your situation. And, I don’t think someone would want to divorce someone because the person has cancer. But when it comes to alcoholism, part of the disease is not being able to face the fact that you need help, your family is frustrated and angry with you, and you might be functioning fairly normally. So, divorcing an alcoholic isn’t something that’s unheard of.
On the upside, there are countless stories of addicts living in recovery for very long periods of time—some for the rest of their lives.
I hope this guy ends up getting the help he needs, but I also want to stress that his wife needs to get help, too. She has lived in an abusive situation for a long time. (Not that the guy meant to be abusive because he’s a bad person, but the addiction is the abuser.)
She would benefit by therapy or going to Al Anon. She is greatly affected by this ugly disease, too, and she would be comforted and educatted by hearing the stories of others and how people cope with a loved one who is an addict.
For those considering divorcing or divorcing an alcoholic:
Addiction is an ugly disease. It creeps in and ruins relationships, it lies, it’s tricky and plays with people’s minds. And, there is no cure for addiction, only management of the disease. The number one weapon to managing addiction (getting it under control) is education and support.
I hope this couple understands that and takes steps to do that. But, the wife has to realize that she is powerless. The desire and realization that he needs professional help has to come from him, not her or anyone else close to him. I pray for these people, and for all addicts.
If you think you or your spouse might have a problem, PLEASE tell someone: a therapist, or your physician, or contact a local AA support group.
Like this article? Check out, “Is Drinking Wine Every Night During a Divorce a Bad Thing?”
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Elizabeth
I’m currently in the middle of something very similar to this woman’s story. I am married to an alcoholic, whom I love very much, but it is just as this woman described – we are a companion, not a couple. We too have good times, and travel, but then we have alcohol-induced arguments. Those arguments outweigh the good times. The anger and feelings of hatred on those bad nights have made the good times harder to enjoy.
Recently, after a really bad fight, I decided that I was done. I found and put an offer on a home for myself to start a new life. Hoping that with me gone, I won’t hold back his recovery or his life. When I told him a few days ago, he was devastated. I close on the new home in just a few short weeks. He feels blind-sided and when I try to explain the reasoning, it is just as the woman above described – my words do not resonate with him.
I feel for this woman because I know exactly what she is going though. And one of the main reasons I am doing what I am doing now is so that I can still have many years of happiness. I’m in my early thirties, and I have so much more to accomplish.
I really needed to read this blog today, because I needed to hear from someone who has been in my shoes first hand. Thank you for having this resource for women.
Tyna Nguyen
Hi everyone! I’ve read all the comments, I feel myself in there too .
We are married for 23 years , 26 years together, we had two beautiful kids , my son just graduated from software engineering, had a full time job right after graduated from college, my daughter about to go to get grad school from her career too , they are both independent,
My husband had been drinking before he met me but he was very controlling about his drinking the whole time until recently he had been very bad , I’d say out of control his drinking, he had been in and out the hospital about the alcohol withdrawals, he had an accident, he had DWI , he just done with his final court about DWI and had another DWI the next day. He had been emotional abuse me and the kids badly,..I just realized we never have the same conversation the whole time are been together after all of these happened ( you can call me dumb,lol , I just let things goes or not to mention about every time we had arguments because I was very much focus on the kids and raised them right ).
He had been abused our financial, I just separated it lately since he was in the rehab, I thought he will be better after 30 days in the rehab but he did not , he is even worse. He promised me so many time he will stop drinking but end up I found alcohol bottle every where in the house he hided.
My kids are considering adults now and they both urged me to divorce him because they cannot stand it anymore.
I had appointments with lawyer but I still want to give him a chance because I cannot let go all the fun things and travel together.
I want to give him a chance when ever I saw him not drinking in a day but I want to divorce him right away every time I saw him intoxicated. Also he is refusing to get help , he said doctors, therapist, even AAA groups are not helping him.
Thank you for reading my story. I need an advice plz
stephanie
Thank you for the great read! I was in a great dilemma and am looking for inspiration on how to get everything going. Thanks to your blog post, I feel more and more confident about how to get started. I’m gonna contact Divorce Attorney Yolanda Torres ( http://californiafamilymediation.com/ ) to get on with it! thank you!
Gwynne
I don’t know even know how to start….I am right there. In a marriage for over 20 years…It brings tears to my eyes when I think of leaving at the same time in the same moment I feel so hurt and angry that he fails to even try to realize or recognize that he has a problem. I tell myself I need to leave…but I also tell myself he needs my help…that he would be or get worse if I leave. Yet I want happiness for myself. I’m in my 50s trying to get to retirement …seeing myself in Elder years with this person is frightening. Yet still afraid to leave him to himself. I never really heard of Al Anon. No therapy or any type of counseling…Im actually embarrassed about it all. I pray about it asking King Jesus to help us both. This is a reach out for help because I feel if I talk to family they will say to stay because of how much they love him. Only they don’t have to live with him. If anyone has more or more specific guidance to my situation please respond. Thank you for this blog and any advice you may have.
Sherri
I am in a similar situation I am dealing with a alcoholic husband who is not only verbally abusive towards me but also physically I have called the police several times on him over it but they won’t do anything about it I am afraid that one day he is going to get so blacked out drunk he kills me I don’t know what to do I don’t have any family or friends and I have no way of getting away from him
FrankyD
Sherri: Just read your post and was wondering if you’re OK? (I am a 50+ female, btw.)
R
look up Alnon and go to a meeting. make a plan a and b and c to find a safe place to live.
CM
Thank you! Looking up Al-Anon meeting local to me now…
Erin
My husband is an alcoholic. He’s been to rehab too but still drinks on/off. We lived separately for a year then I let him come back because I wanted to try everything possible and not give up on the marriage and try to keep my family intact. The lying started back up and everything just felt completely wrong all the time. I realized I would never be happy like this. Not even two months later he was heavily drinking again. It’s a year later and I’m still navigating the divorce. My advice is to make sure you can financially make it on your own. You need to set money aside because you can’t rely on them. They could lose their job at any time. I think financial security is what made me take him back. That, and loneliness/anxiety. I do love him and it’s incredibly hard to see the person you married but just have no idea who they are anymore.
Diane Leuty
My situation is a bit different then most i have read. I’m married 45 years (together 50yrs, HS sweethearts). My Husband who is an alcoholic, recently retired and moved us from NJ to San Diego. He drank throughout our marriage but it escalated when his Father passed away (9 yrs ago). He was always the decision maker, dragged his Family with our 2 children into a very strict and difficult religion. He was always in control of our finances. He sold our house in NJ for a ridiculously low amount of money and I now find myself “stuck” in my situation because i cannot afford a divorce or to move out of our new home. I have found him lying about our finances for years, even found that he had signed my name in many money matters (loans, when selling our house, etc). I have been working a very physically hard job for 3 years since we moved while he sits home drinking and doing nothing around the house. His drinking has impacted my precious Dog Brody, my dog has even barked until i look where he hides vodka, his poison. Long story but i have feelings of hatred towards him, i am not a violent person but have thoughts that are so bad wishing he just dies. I also was raised by an alcoholic father who became a monster after my Mother passed away when i was 11. I have no friends or family here in San Diego and am desperate to leave this nightmare way of dying (not living). He also has a narcissistic personality disorder and has always been controlling. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Diane
Lisa
As sad as I am reading what everyone has been through, in a way it’s comforting that I am not alone.
My husband is an alcoholic and has been for a very long time (over 10years). We been married for over 20 years. He stopped drinking during my cancer journey for 12 months a couple of year ago and started again even more severely. From a bottle of wine a night to a half litre of vodka per night. He would hide in the second bedroom and play games until he passed out. He started lying and I would find empty bottles around the house even in his work backpack. He would stop over and the park of a supermarket near home and drink in a car then come home. I thought and believed him that he could stop again.
He became a different person when he drinks, became very aggressive even the dogs would get scared from his yelling and swearing watching a football game.
He would always cry and apologise the next morning when I confronted him. This went on for a couple of years. I have been the one suffering seeing psychologist attending Alanon meetings to overcome this, what I could do to help him. He attended an AA meeting online once and told me he would continue but he never did. He saw a psychologist twice and stoped. He probably couldn’t take any criticism and accept his wrong doings.
Booking holidays hoping going away would help our relationship but it didn’t.
I then had to face another health issues recently, ended up having an operation removing ovaries (thank god it wasn’t another cancer). But during this time I was alone, admitting to the hospital on my own, dragging myself to the toilet alone in the middle of night in agonising pain while recovering. I felt so lonely. I then thought I cannot risk my life for the sake of staying loyal to this guy who clearly doesn’t care anymore. I also found out he was getting happy endings. It broke heart but I pretended it didn’t happen.
My medical team told me I was an enabler keep forgiving him. They said that He has to hit the bottom to be able to help himself. I understand that it’s an addiction, genetic and a disease but it was really hard to accept the blame that I was an enabler and the stress of living with him could really risk my life getting another cancer.
I told his family and they didn’t believe me.
So once I recovered, I moved out only 5mins away from our home and we had an agreement that I can come over to our house at anytime to see the dogs.
I would cook and bring it over to him while we were living apart (only a couple of months ago). We then had arrangements to look after the dogs separately, initially he encouraged me that this was for me so I do t feel so lonely. Very conniving.
I have started to notice recently the changes in our house when I visited. He had bought flowers and kept the house clean, very unusual behavior. Us women have a great sense of instinct at noticing the changes.
He asked me to come over and look after the dogs while he is away as he needed some time off work and a break. I believed him until I saw our TV YouTube full of Thai sitcoms in their language. My heart dropped and felt so betrayed and disgusted. I couldn’t stay there for another second. My own house where all my stuff are still there as I only just moved out with the essentials only.
The following week he texted me that he was hospitalized, asked me to go home and look after the dogs, when I went there, there were clothes stripped off all over the floor both hers and his. I couldn’t believe it but stayed calm and took the photos. Then went to the hospital and told them I was his wife, they told me where he was. My heart sank once again seeing him sleeping with her sleeping beside him. I was in shock but took a photo also. And asked the nurse and the doctor what happened him? They were all surprised that the blood test came back normal with very high alcohol levels in his blood.
The nurse took the Thai mistress out of the room so I could talk to him. His first word was what are you doing here, I said shouldn’t you say I am sorry first. That was it. It was over. He said this was a wake up call for him, he is going to stop drinking from now.
Everything happened so quickly and I had to stay strong keep focusing on my job. I am still grieving but I am going to see a lawyer and divorce him.
It has been a week since then he is still buying a litre of Vodka every 2 days (I can see all the transactions online as he is still using the same membership card).
I am hating myself for being so naive and trying so hard to help our relationship. And also not to feel guilty for moving out. But this is probably the best thing happened to me instead of staying with him.
Good luck to us all. Nothing is worth more than our own health and need to be strong to be independent.