I’m not sure there is a woman on earth who hasn’t said or felt these five words: I can’t live without him. The words are usually spoken or thought during or after a breakup, a divorce, or a death.
It’s unbelievably heartbreaking to feel like you can’t live without someone you truly loved and/or still love. But as gut wrenching and difficult as it is, I find that most people learn to live with the loss, and eventually learn how to enjoy life, and even fall in love again.
It takes time to heal from a broken heart. I think it’s a process.
Anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, regret, and loneliness are all part of the path to acceptance, peace and moving forward.
The timetable for letting go of “I can’t live without him” is different for everyone, and no one can tell someone when or how to move on.
Here is one divorced woman’s position, and I have to warn you, it’s heartbreaking:
I’ve tried for the 3 years since he left and honestly to this day, I still wonder how I got through each day, each week, each month. I struggle through holidays like a big blur. I’m not happy, not enjoying life, sad and just distracting myself anyway I can. My question is, what if really, truly, I can’t live without him? I’m living but am I really living? No. Sadly not. With this aching pain that’s always there, no matter what I’m doing or where I am, it never leaves, never goes away. Will it ever or is this my life now?
Please keep in mind, I have no idea what happened or why her husband left. That said, regardless of the story, I stand firm on the advice I’m about to give.
Jewish people celebrate Passover, a holiday that remembers the Hebrew slaves becoming free out of Egypt. As in any religion, the stories that are studied are meant to have meaning in our everyday lives, and so if you think about it, maybe Passover is a time for us to reflect on our own prisons that we keep ourselves in, and to think about how to free ourselves.
My point is, to me, it seems this woman is keeping herself locked in her broken-hearted prison. My question is, why is she holding herself prisoner?
1. Does she want to stay locked in a place where her ex-husband has clearly moved on, continuing to love and wait for someone who doesn’t want her?
2. Does she not feel she deserves to go free, to be able to put her best self out into the world and see what happens?
“Getting through each day and month and year” is very very disrespectful to her family, her children (if she has children) and most of all herself. Life is a precious gift. None of us were put on this earth to live it for ONE person.
I believe we are here to fulfill countless missions, including two major ones:
LOVE AND ENJOYMENT
GIVING BACK AND MAKING A DIFFERENCE
Romantic love is included in these things, but it isn’t everything. So to base your existence on one person seems very narrow to me. I promise I am not minimizing this woman’s broken heart. I know she is hurting deeply. But, to “struggle through holidays” seems like a such a waste of love and enjoyment. Why do that to her loved ones, and herself? It’s not fair to cheat herself out of any enjoyment because of ONE person.
To answer her question, “What if I can’t live without him?” my answer is, YOU CAN. You are the only factor holding you back.
As I said above, no one can tell someone how or when to heal from a broken heart. And I promise I’m not judging her. I’m trying to get her to let herself out of her prison. She deserves that!
My advice is that this woman needs to find her self-worth, her confidence, and her self-love. Doesn’t she love herself enough to say, “I deserve to really live. I deserve to be rid of that aching pain. I deserve to move on from someone who doesn’t love me anymore because I deserve better.”
Her ex is only one person in a world of billions. Does he define her life and her happiness? I hope not.
I’m not saying moving on and accepting what happened happens quickly. I understand that it takes time and that healing from a broken heart is a process. It’s a process that is done through baby steps. When I say baby steps, I mean doing something small every day to try to move on.
Perhaps pursue something she loves to do, like art or reading or going to a museum or hiking or going to a restaurant she loves. Anything that is for HERSELF that has noting to do with him.
Another kind of baby steps are spending time with people she loves. Picking up the phone and calling a girlfriend to meet for coffee or a walk. Thinking of people who make her feel good, who she has fun with, who make her laugh, and then surrounding herself with those people. Making plans with people she knows who have common interests and philosophies.
This is very important:
If you are a healthy person physically, then that is 99% of what you need to have any life you want. Don’t waste time lamenting about someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Instead, focus on little things (baby steps) that make you happy.
He is her past. Love and laughter can be her future, but not with her present mindset.
“Is this my life now?” she asks. My response is, only if you allow it to be.
“I can’t live without him” is a horrible, awful, helpless, sorrowful feeling. But I truly believe those five words are also a choice. I hope she will soon choose seven new words: I deserve to be happy and loved.
Like this article? Check out, “Your Painful Breakup: 9 Things You Might Be Feeling”
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Joanne
This article was one of the best articles I’ve read since my divorce. I, too, am struggling with my husband being gone and feel I can’t live without him. But, this article really helped me see a different side of this. I do need self love, self esteem, which I never had. I will be working on that instead of wanting him back. Thank you
Deanna
My divorce is fixing to be final. When married, my husband left me 4 times. It’s a long story. I was completely devastated the first 3 times. The last time he left me, I had decided I wouldn’t take him back and I didn’t. He wanted to come back but I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t do it again and I just couldn’t take that. Now, I am heartbroken and wondering if I did the right thing. I got triggered by some old home videos that showed us when we were so happy in the beginning. I thought I was over all of this because I was strong and sure I was doing the right thing for so long. This article has been helpful.
Steve Hicks
I’m a man and I hurt for this woman so so deeply. My wife left me after 25 years. I dedicated my life to her supporting her loving her. Now she throws me away. I know her pain. To say she had a choice is dismissing her pain. If you say I can go in without the other person you were truly deeply in love with them. If the other person can be replaced as easy as buying a new car than was it ever love it just infatuation. You may as well say I can replace the love I have for my parents or children even. If we are very very very lucky we get one and only one shot at love. I don’t doubt many have been in relationships they thought were love. Some have even married their crush. But if you truly honestly deeply love some one worthy of a song or poem then you never get over em. If you a r the ability to move on and forget them you never really loved them. If you think you think otherwise you are lying to your self. And shame on all the people who try and say to this woman you will get past this pain you only have to love yourself. Untill this some time we had a name for people who could just move on. They were called lose and slutty and cheaters. I feel her pain and pray for her. I wish she did t have to know this pain but welcome to modern western society where it’s what makes me happy now !!!
Nina jobin
the stupidest thing I have ever heard, is people who say happiness is a CHOICE. of course it isn’t. who would ever CHOOSE to feel anything but happy. things happen and we react with involuntary emotions. if someone close to you passes away…. can you really”CHOOSE” to be happy about it??? what an asinine idea that is from this author.