One of the many reasons I love being a divorce website writer and dating columnist is that almost every time I meet someone new and they find out what I do, they ask me for either dating or divorce advice, or in the case of two nights ago, dating with kids advice. I love when I feel like I might have helped someone, especially a woman I met recently who was asking about dating after divorce with kids.
She started telling me how she’s been divorced for a couple years and recently met a man she is falling in love with. The only negative: her 17-year old son is not accepting mom having a boyfriend.
“Tell him he’s leaving in six months for college, so get over it,” was my initial advice. We laughed about it, because obviously I was joking. Sort of. While I think telling your children to “get over it” is harsh, I think saying something nice that is semi-equivalent to that might be appropriate.
I have to believe that this woman isn’t alone, and that countless divorced people dating after divorce with kids have gone through a time when they weren’t totally on board with the new guy (or girl.)
You could get lucky. Maybe a lot of time has passed. Maybe the other spouse in the divorce is already married again, so by the time you meet someone special, your kids are relieved and happy for you.
But if you’re in a situation dating after divorce with kids, where one or some or all of them aren’t accepting of the man/woman you now love, think about some of the things that might be going on in their heads. These include:
1. The thought of mom or dad sleeping with someone who isn’t their parent might be very disturbing to them, especially if they are teenagers who are experiencing sexual feelings for the first time.
2. They might feel insecure, that maybe you are going to give all your love to your new man (or woman) leaving little or none for them.
3. They are thinking they might be getting a new roommate, and they don’t want some guy (or girl) eating cereal in the morning with them.
4. They might still have hopes that you are getting back together with your ex, and this is the person who is preventing that.
5. They might be thinking you are the person responsible for their parents splitting up, (in other words, you were having an affair and left your spouse for this person) and they are angry and resentful about it.
6. They might still be angry about the divorce and they are taking it out on your new boyfriend (or girlfriend.)
7. The other parent might be alone and they feel sorry for him or her, so they don’t want you to have anyone either.
8. They might not give the person a chance and let first impressions make their decision. “He’s weird” or “She bugs me” are things I’ve heard kids say.
My advice for dating after divorce with kids:
Have “The Talk.” What’s “The Talk?”
Sit down with your kid or kids and say something like this.
“I want to talk to you about “so and so.” I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for you to see me with another man/woman. If I were you I’d be really freaked out and think it was weird. So, there are a couple things I really want you to know. First, So and So will never, ever take the place of the love I have for you. I love you more and more each day and nothing or no one will ever change that. EVER.
Secondly, your dad and I are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together. We are not staying apart because of So and So. We would still be apart even if I never met So and So. Third, this is someone who is making me really really happy. He is kind and good and he loves me, and I love him. When your dad and I split up, I never really thought this would happen to me again, and surprisingly so, it did. And I am so thrilled about it.
I feel like I deserve to be happy in a romantic relationship. You are all going to leave home someday and I am going to be alone. But if it works out with So and So, won’t you be happy that I have someone in my life who makes me happy after you leave home?
Lastly, put yourself in So and So’s place. He or she is a good, kind person who loves me. Can you imagine how he or she must feel, knowing that the kids of the woman (or man) he or she loves don’t accept him or her? How would that make YOU feel? Again, I love you more than anything, and I hope you will consider accepting this person who I am in love with. I know that’s hard to hear, but I think when you grow up and fall in love, you will understand.”
This should be followed by many hugs and kisses. But then, you have said all you wanted to say, and you shouldn’t have to defend yourself anymore. Don’t apologize for being happy! If they are still acting that way, it is their issue. Try to be patient and kind, but be firm and try not to let it bother you.
In closing, one last tip. This is a mistake a lot of people make, in my opinion. Here is what happens. They get this new boyfriend (or girlfriend) and they feel like you did in high school, so in love, and all they want to do is see him or her. (which is great) Right? So, every time they make plans with the kids, they invite him or her. BAD IDEA. Make sure to have plans with your kids without your new guy at times. They will appreciate that a lot.
In closing, dating after divorce with kids is tricky. It’s not easy, but it can be wonderful if you let things breathe, have patience, and try to enjoy your relationship even without the kids’ blessings. It’s sad, but a reality that you might have to compartmentalize your relationships for awhile. That’s OK! Try to have gratitude that you met such a wonderful person and focus on that.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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Ken Turner
Dealing with a 17 year old is one thing. A 17 year old can handle the bluntness. But for very young kids, it can take years before they are okay with mom or dad bringing someone else into their lives. Hold off as long as you can. Time has a way of sorting things out. Nice article.
Lily
Hey, Jackie! Thanks for writing this article and sharing it with us. Going through a divorce is a very hard experience, and it often involves a lot of contemplation. After meeting with my attorney, I’ve finally decided that I’m going to tell my kids about my divorce. I think it’s important—like you’ve mentioned—that we’re empathizing with them as much as possible; it’s not easy for them. Thanks again, Jackie!
John
Yeah. Well. I’m not quite so understanding. Sue me. If a woman hasn’t had a conversation like that long before she dates, I am not going to hang around while she “works through it.” I’m divorced because I was rejected. Choosing more rejection purposely is unthinkable.
Find out where your kids are before you ever go down this road. Now, granted, the women I would date would have children who are at least teenagers. It’s probably different with younger kids. But again, I’m not gonna go through that.
jasper turner
Read this and just think my kids are living with their grand dad while the mom is living with a guy somewhere else but the kids still want to be there with her and not be with me. They hold me account for the divorce when they know she was cheating. She doesn’t care if she with them as long as they don’t have anything to do with me not even a call or text. The law andcourts won’t do anything about it because fl law is pro women
Ann
My adult kids will not meet my boyfriend and it really hurts. They exclude us from their lives how do I solve this? He is very hurt and I am hurt that my children are being this way. HIs kids have accepted me and are nice to me. I want to be in my childrens lives and grandkids but they are making it hard and it makes me sad.I have been divorced now for two years.
Paul Wieleba
Ann, I’m experiencing the same. My girlfriend’s eldest son has told my girlfriend of now 4 years that he doesn’t want me there when he’s there. She goes along with it. I’m struggling with this. I love my girlfriend but I don’t know how to change my mindset to accept this because and my girlfriend is now calling me a bully because I’m asking her to make change and that I can’t go on being isolated. I’m lost.
Stephanie
I am experiencing the same as well. My son is 18 and in college my daughter is 16. Both refuse to agree to me dating. I only see my boyfriend when my daughter is at her dads on the weekends. She texts me if she is coming home for some reason, to make sure he is out of the house. She has never met him and refuses to. I am at my wits end. I want my kids happy, but I also want someone to share my time with.
Ryan
This string is the one you can’t find an answer to. My kids, one in college the other just out, hate hate my girlfriend. I have tried to balance it, but all it has created is tension on all sides. My family other than my kids are great with my girlfriend. But I have been so conflicted: my gf (now of 4 years) wants to get married. If we do, I know my kids will be done with me. Saying we should talk it out doesn’t work, it just gets things closer to a bad finale
Roxy
This is horrible advice. The writer should re evaluate. Or just not touch this topic at all. I’m hearing zero empathy for the kid. “Get over it”? Really?