Emotionally Immature Adults in Divorce

As a Family Law Attorney and Mediator, I hear these comments from some clients when they are completely frustrated with their soon-to-be ex and coparent: “She’s crazy!”“He’s a narcissist!”“No one is listening to me!” The unfortunate reality in family law is that you have to deal with complex family dynamics that could stem from issues like: mental health issues, substance abuse, adultery, narcissism, or one that I believe is overlooked: emotionally immature adults.

There are a number of cultural norms that we can reference when discussing forms of “development” of Emotional Maturity. When we discuss “physical development” of a child or person, you may think of the chart of a child’s height changes on a door frame, a child’s baby teeth falling out, or how fast a person can run a mile (especially if you are a sports fan). We regularly have doctor’s appointments, football games, dance competitions, soccer meets, and trophies to denote when a child grows “physically” into a “physically mature” adult.

We also pay a lot of attention to “intellectual development” when we conduct our graduations (from kindergarten through high school, and beyond), read a good book, or engage in a debate with friends at the local bar (which can at time expose someone’s “intellectual immaturity”). Many of us are used to identifying ourselves by our professions that embody our “intellectual development.”

Go to any networking event. Very few people will say something along the lines of: “I’m a human born in New Jersey with an interest in dance.” However, you will likely hear, I am an “engineer,” a “financial advisor”, a “teacher,” or a “lawyer.” Let’s be clear here: no one is born a lawyer (despite what my mom might say)…they are born a human being. Education and certifications lead to someone becoming a “lawyer.”

But what cultural norms reflect our society’s view of “emotional maturity”? Think on this for a moment. With the increase of suicide (especially among children), anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, I believe our cultural norms surrounding “emotional maturity” is not where it needs to be.

Modern Families Need Modern Legal Solutions.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is the ability and capacity to understand and manage our own emotions while also understanding the impact and influence we have on the emotions of the people around us. Emotional Intelligence allows us to regulate our responses and thought-processes, especially when confronted with an uncomfortable or threatening situation – it allows us to keep our own emotions from taking “control of the wheel.” Those with high emotional intelligence or emotional maturity know how to limit the influence of emotions around them in order to allow their reason and logic to respond in a more appropriate manner.

Have you ever reflected on a moment and realized, “Oh, I could have responded better in that situation” or “Wow, I actually kept my cool when dealing with that person.” These reflections stem from your personal emotional intelligence. The goal in being more emotionally intelligent is that you have more positive reflections than negative repercussions due to your behavior and interactions with other people.

Emotional Safety

Emotional Safety is related to the environment that can foster or stunt growth and maturity of a person’s emotional intelligence. The level of emotional safety a person “feels” is reflected in a person’s comfort level when discussing intimate issues with another person. This person may be a family member or close friend, or it could be a complete stranger or uninvolved third party such as a therapist or evaluator.

Friendly encouragement, patience, and engaged attention generally foster feelings of emotional safety. When a person feels safe, they are more likely to open up and confront difficult issues or topics. On the flip side, if a person does not feel safe, then they are less likely to be open about their emotions or to discuss things that may be affecting them. This can create a ripple effect of “bottling up” emotions and issues.

Have you every been on the receiving end of an exploding soda bottle? Very similar to when someone releases everything they have been bottling up emotionally, right? And it is not just about the “explosion” of soda or emotions that is at issue here; rather, such behavior of not releasing negative or deep concerns and emotions has been clinically shown to negatively affect a multitude of other challenges people face: such as mental health, physical health, and social connections.

Children are at high risk of being stunted in the growth of their emotional intelligence if their environment does not create an emotional safe space. Lack of emotional safety for children can then have long-term effects that last into adulthood. A child’s nervous system can read an emotionally unengaged parent as rejection and disappointment. Instead of a child reaching out for help in a calm and open manner, the child will learn to engage in a hesitant, defensive, and possibly even explosive manner because there is a lack of an emotional safe space and their emotional needs are not being met.

Emotional Maturity

Emotional Maturity is one line of development of a child or adult, to be differentiated from but analyzed alongside a person’s physical development, social development, and intellectual development. A person’s emotional maturity or immaturity is exposed most often when the person is under severe stress or engaging in an emotionally intimate relationship.

For example, a person could be a high performing professional in the workplace because of their social and intellectual development, but then get into a lot of arguments with their significant other because of their emotional immaturity.

Characteristics of emotionally immature adults:

Ego-centric and self-preoccupied. They focus on how everything affects them, and they do not have an appreciation that another person’s feelings and emotions are real.
Poor empathy. It is hard for them to relate and feel what others may be feeling. They are unable to “walk in the shoes” of another person.
Poor self-reflection. They externalize and project blame when an issue arises instead of determining how their involvement may have impacted the situation.
They tend to be afraid or nervous of emotional intimacy or “deep” connections and interactions.
They interpret reality according to how they feel. For example: if an emotionally immature adult feels that they are not liked, then it is a “fact” that they are not liked; even if an objective analysis of the situation would show how much they are “liked.”
Adjust reality so that “reality” does not upset them. They will deny, dismiss, or distort things they do not want to deal with. They will act and believe a “reality” that is more in line with what makes them feel better.

Narcissism should be differentiated from the above characteristics, as narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by the love of an inflated, grandiose, and fictitious image of themselves. By definition, a narcissist is an emotionally immature person, but not all emotionally immature adults are narcissists.

Narcissists are not only self-preoccupied, but they are also “perfect” in their own eyes. Narcissists not only have poor empathy, but they will thoughtfully manipulate others because the other person’s emotions are “wrong.” Narcissists are extremely sensitive and negatively react in an explosive manner if they feel anything is working against them or if “reality” does not suit them.

I generally save such a characterization for the mental health professionals as it is a diagnosable mental health condition; however, understanding emotional intelligence could help when navigating the waters with someone who may be a narcissist.

How do you deal with an emotionally immature adults?

Set healthy boundaries.
Redirect interactions and conversations toward productive growth.
Remain steadfast in your goal. Repetition is key.
Give yourself breaks from interactions with this person.
Distance yourself from the emotionally immature person. This may not mean disconnecting with the person completely especially in the context of a custody situation; however, distance can be created geographically (you do not need to live two doors down), exposure (exchange the children via school activities versus directly), or reducing time (if you are doing a joint birthday party for the child, set a time limit on when you will be around the emotionally immature person).
Seek professional help. This could be seeking the assistance of a therapist or mental health professional but it could also mean finding the right family law attorney that can help you assert your legal rights and boundaries in an emotional intimate relationship.
Develop grounding and sanity routines. This could be a regular meditation practice or checking in with a friend whose opinion and input you trust (so you know you are not looking at something the wrong way or missing anything). This could also mean a physical release of tension by a morning walk or a regular yoga practice. Whatever works for you (that does not involve the emotionally immature person at all) can prove helpful and refreshing!

If you or someone you know is going through a family law dispute with an Emotionally Immature Person, our Modern Legal Team is here to help.

Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.

Theresa E. Viera, Family Law Attorney, Arbitrator, Certified Mediator, Founder, Modern Legal

Theresa Viera attended George Washington University in Washington, DC, for her undergraduate studies. Thereafter, she attended the University of North Carolina School of Law in Chapel Hill. Over many years of practicing law with a focus on Family Law, she has been able to expand her skills in oration, writing, and legal thinking. More importantly though, Theresa has been able to help hundreds of clients and their families find healthy solutions by utilizing the law.

Every family is unique. Many cases may be resolved outside of the courthouse with the use of negotiations, mediation, or collaborative law; however, a number of cases will need the assistance of a Judge via the litigation process. Theresa helps her clients utilize each legal tool available to ensure a fitting solution for their specific family’s situation.

“And if I am able, I hope to go one step further: I want to inspire others as my mother’s attorney inspired me.” – Theresa Viera, J.D.

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