Divorced Girl Smiling received the following comment from a divorced woman seeking divorce advice:
I would love to hear why you think that when my now ex wanted a divorce after 30 years of marriage, working together and being best friends, – who said he wasn’t happy, that he would always be there for me and loved me, but didn’t want to live with me. That now after a year and he is with someone that he blames me for all sorts of stuff, calls up and yells at me because he told his GF that he still loved me (I am sure she didn’t handle that well), can barely be in the same room with me. WTF! I am the hurt party. I said I will always love you but go and be happy. Why am I the git (British term for unpleasant person) in the room now? Its so not fair! So all you men out there – tell me what is going on? I just want to be his best friend again.
So, I had to read this comment like 5 times before I could comprehend what was going on. The writing is all over the place, as if you are pouring out your thoughts so fast, they are unorganized, which leads to the confusion. That in and of itself shows how much pain you are in, and how afraid you are. I’m so sorry for you, I’m sure it is unbearably difficult.
To make things easier, I’m going to break this down to things I am hearing from you.
- He said he wasn’t happy, that he would always be there for me and loved me, but didn’t want to live with me. If someone is always there for you, they want to live with you.
- Now after a year and he is with someone that he blames me for all sorts of stuff, calls up and yells at me because he told his GF that he still loved me (I am sure she didn’t handle that well), can barely be in the same room with me. You are holding onto the crumbs that your ex is feeding you to give you a little bit of hope, so that you won’t move on. He doesn’t want to be with you, but he doesn’t want to lose you, either. It is sickening to me because it is very very selfish. And, YOU are buying into it. You are THRILLED that your ex told his girlfriend he still loved you, but the fact is, if he still loved you, he would break up with the other woman and go back to you. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it is as simple as that.
The best example I can give is, remember that book and movie, “He’s just not that into you?” I don’t want to compare a 30 year marriage to a book and movie that gave funny dating advice, but the principle is the same: a person’s actions are what matters, not what they say.
Your ex seems really, really confused, and I’m sure that after a 30 year marriage, that just like you miss him, he misses you deeply. That said, every day he stays away, he is making a choice to be away from you. There is nothing he can say that proves me wrong, only what he DOES.
He also yells at you, blames you “for stuff” and can’t be in the same room with you because he hates himself for what he did. He is projecting his own guilt and shame onto you, blaming YOU for his screw up. He thought he’d be blissful with the other woman, and he isn’t. And he’s pissed about it and frustrated. So, who better to take it out on than his ex?
- I said I will always love you but go and be happy. You said that, but you didn’t mean it. You are holding on to hope that he will come running back, and guess what? He isn’t. I’m sorry for you, but please, please, please move on.
- All you men out there – tell me what is going on? I just want to be his best friend again. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be best friends with someone who treated me the way this guy has treated you, and how he is treating you now. Don’t you think you deserve better? You can’t bring back the past. He WAS your best friend. He is no longer that, and his actions display anything BUT that.
In closing, I’m really sorry if I sound harsh and insensitive. I’m not, I promise. I’m trying to kick you into reality, which is that your marriage is over. You are lonely and afraid, and you are trying to get back into your comfort zone, which ironically can be the most dangerous thing you can do.
It’s very very sad and devastating and scary, but the reality is that if a man wants you, he will come get you. Remove yourself from your ex’s hold, from his messed up life, and focus on YOUR life. What kind of life do you want moving forward? Family, kids, dating, fun? GO GET what you want and stop living in HIS world. Your own world is waiting for you to get into it. Best wishes and big hugs!!
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Wendy
Hi Jackie – Your advise was spot on – I have been where she is after a 14 year marriage – he cheated and then wanted to be “Friends”. I am working on myself and figuring out what makes me happy – and come to find out – it is not him – even if he did want me back – I would NEVER even consider it – I deserve much better. I am very happy being single! She will get there but she needs to let go and unless there are children involved – Stop communicating with him all together. It may be hard at first but it is the only way she will be able to move on.
Amy
I got the same line of BS from my ex during his “I want a divorce” speech.
I knew it was BS when he was saying it but I think he really thought he meant it. I just knew better.
I think I even told him a some point during the divorce process that I had to look out for myself b/c I have no one else to do so anymore. He again said he would always be there to look out for me. I told him then, “No you won’t, that’s what divorce means.”
Stephen
As a man, I see this poor woman holding on to hope that her EX-husband will return. His communications to her are due to the current state of his relationship with his girlfriend/ It is a reaction to what is going on in his life. It is NOT due to his “love” for his ex-wife.
Do not waste your time with this man. He is confused. He moved on, and so should you.
“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” – Daphne Rose Kingma, best-selling author, speaker, relationship expert
Emma
It is so reassuring to me to know that I am not alone! I am going through a divorce right now. My ex told me that he doesn’t know what is wrong, he is just not happy, there is something wrong with him. It’s not me. He does still love me and wants a family, but he is just confused. Blah, Blah,Blah. After truly fighting for our marriage and proposing all possible solutions and help, I have finally decided that it is time for me to move on – it takes two for a marriage to work!. I am 45 and we have a 7 year old. I told him that it is time for me to find happiness. I have half of my life ahead of me and I need to go find someone who WANTS to be with me and who WANTS to make me happy. I can’t make him happy anymore, he does not want to fight for our marriage and family.
I am now focusing on my life. If I am happy, my daughter will be happy. Believe me, it isn’t easy. I wonder what he is doing, what I did wrong etc. but I limit my contact with him and it is getting easier every day. I also have a wonderful, strong circle of friends and family who encourage me, pull me out of my pity parties and reassure me that this will get better and this is the beginning of a new life.
The quote from Stephen is SO true! Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.