Here is some divorce mediation advice that might be a little different than some of the tips you’ve heard. Words have power and can determine the trajectory of discussions. In divorce and co-parenting, the language we use shapes not only how we see each other, but also how we tackle issues, deal with different viewpoints and, ultimately, find common ground.
Though common, traditional legal terminology often reinforces competitive and adversarial mindsets, turning co-parenting discussions into battles about who gets more or who is in control.
Shifting to language that’s more focused on family needs and children’s experiences, and finding solutions can profoundly change not only how parents communicate with each other but also how they resolve their differences. It helps move parents away from battles over rights and control toward discussions focused on understanding and addressing real-life needs.
Here are a few terms that I see coming up regularly in my work as a parent and family mediator that I believe could be a starting point for change:
Instead of “Custody” and “Visitation,” Talk About “Parenting Time”
When I first speak with mediation clients—whether divorcing or already divorced—their initial language often frames time with the children in adversarial terms:
“I’m looking for full or primary custody of the children.”
“I want 50-50 or a specific percentage custody.”
“I only get visitation on…”
“They have visitation rights on …”
This language immediately shapes the trajectory of the discussion, limiting what options are perceived and even what’s possible. Terms like “custody” imply possession or control, suggesting a battle over who gets “more” of the children. Likewise, “visitation” implies that one parent is more of an outsider or a guest in their child’s life with the other.
In reality, what parents genuinely want usually goes beyond percentages or overnight counts—they care about what their time with the children will actually look and feel like. Effective parenting plans make space for quality, meaningful time that respects everyone’s needs and experiences, not just quantity.
Shifting our language from custody and visitation to talking about “parenting time” transforms the conversation. It encourages more positive discussions grounded in the reality of each family member’s experiences and contributions to the children’s well-being.
Likewise, labeling a parent as “non-custodial” can diminish their perceived role and value, affecting expectations and how they interact with each other. Using terms like “Co-parent” or even just calling them both “parents” recognizes that they each have continuing, important roles in their children’s lives—whatever the parenting schedules.
Instead of “Legal Custody” and “Tie-Breaking Authority,” Talk About Your “Decision-Making Process”
Traditional legal terms like “legal custody,” “sole decision-making,” “joint decision-making,” or “tie-breaking authority” often promote competition and adversarial dynamics between co-parents.
When discussing decision-making with my mediation clients, their initial thoughts are frequently grounded in these legal rights:
“I want legal custody of my children.”
“I want joint decision-making with tie-breaking authority.”
“I want sole decision-making authority.”
“I want an equal (50-50) say in any decisions.”
Again, the language frames the trajectory. If parents focus heavily on rights and authority, it sets up a discussion that’s competitive — it’s about who “wins” and who walks away with greater control.
But is this really what’s best for the children—and for them as parents? Rather than emphasizing rights and legal authorities, what if the conversation was first shifted toward how decisions will be approached? In other words, focus first on looking at how things could work instead of on what each will have.
For instance, what if parents focused on each other’s strengths, experiences, and expertise instead of focusing on legal entitlements to see who might naturally lead in specific areas where decisions are needed and where teamwork could add the most value?
In mediation, the heart of decision-making often centers around navigating disagreements. Finding an approach that allows both parents to have needed information—and to see that their perspectives can be heard, even amidst differences—can, over time, reduce the conflict and flare-ups that come from an approach based on whose vote counts more.
These language shifts are more than just semantics. They represent meaningful, overdue steps toward more effective co-parenting arrangements, and solutions that can genuinely benefit everyone in the family, parents and children alike.
Like this article? Check out “Tips to a Divorce Strategy Where Everyone Wins”
