Whether you call it an on-again off-again relationship, a situationship, or friends with benefits, we all know what you’re referring to: that kind of murky “relationship” that at times feels romantic and at times feels like a competition for who can care less. It’s confusingly inconsistent and immensely frustrating because you just can’t figure out how to unlock the right strategy to make it work.
Have you been in one of these? (I bet you have!) Are you in one right now?
Here are some signs you’re in a classic on-again off-again relationship or a situationship:
- You feel a jolt of power, or like you won, if they text you first
- You don’t feel like you’re “allowed” to want to see them more than once a week
- You’re never quite sure what they’re thinking
- You’re never quite sure how much they like you
- You’d feel weird turning to them in a time of need or vulnerability
- You experience confusion or a sinking feeling sometime in the day after seeing them
Said yes to several (or all) of these things? You’re in a situationship, my friend. And I understand why you got here! There are so many reasons that make these enticing at the start.
You’re tired of the apps, and you’re feeling like having someone is better than having no one. It’s an ego boost to be wanted, and being wanted by this person who seems mayyyybe a little unavailable makes the feeling even more powerful, fun, or flattering. It’s convenient to have someone who feels at your fingertips. You’ll feel special if they choose you.
Gosh, even just writing that — it’s like a drug, right? And just like a drug, you’re always going to be chasing that high. People who are a little unpredictable and a little unreliable are exciting by definition, because you never quite know what you’re going to get.
But here’s the thing: I do know what you’re going to get. And unfortunately, it’s a whole lot of nothing… other than anxiety, frustration and disappointment.
On-again off-again situationships are not sustainable.
If you’re someone who wants to be in a committed relationship, you’re not going to find that with someone you have to keep making excuses for. And as much as you tell yourself this person is just a warm body tiding you over until you meet the right person for you, guess what? You’re not going to put your full effort into finding that person if there’s always someone else on your speed dial.
Any night you spend with your situationship is a night you’re not out on a date with someone you met online, or out with friends filling your social cup up. Spend too much time with someone who leaves you with low self esteem, and that’s going to affect your ability to recognize Mr. or Mrs. Right when they’re standing in front of you.
If you’re in a moment in your life where you want to go on a lot of dates, meet a lot of people, and truly keep things casual, that’s perfectly ok! Of course you do not need a committed partner to be the fullest, happiest version of yourself. But when the casualness starts to feel uneven, or like there are rules and regulations attached, that’s when fun and casual turns into icky and situationship-y.
You deserve someone who communicates with you at the cadence you like, who makes you feel even more grounded after you’ve seen them than you felt before, and who wants to see you even when it’s not convenient. Don’t get distracted by someone who gives you anything less.
Alyssa Dineen has been an editor, stylist, and art director in New York for over 20 years. After she divorced at age 41, she began online dating, and rediscovered herself in the process. Through this journey, she found many people out there that could improve their dating profiles and while doing so, their understanding of what they want. Founder of Style My Profile, Alyssa now helps online daters transform their destinies by taking charge of their profiles and their dating experience with her unique approach of “intentional” dating and self-discovery.
An acclaimed stylist and dating expert, Alyssa has appeared in The New York Times, Today Show, Goop, and NBC.com. You can work with her one-on-one, and she also offers workshops and a membership to be part of the Style My Profile Community. You can find out more at stylemyprofilenyc.com
Like this article? Check out “Green and Red Flags on Dating Apps”
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Michael C. Craven
Thank you for your article. I found this interesting.
-Michael C. Craven, Chicago Divorce Attorney http://www.divorcelawyerschicago.org/
Megan
Since being separated, I have engaged in a few on again – off again relationships. I think for me, it is was simply I didn’t know what I wanted at the time. I was in an 11 year relationship, I did the “married” thing, it just wasn’t for me. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I did. The on/off relationships are like hanging upside down tied to a rope by one ankle, and not sure if you are going to survive it. They are only good, when you are feeling lonely, but not interested in committing to someone fully. Now, being “single” for over a year, I feel like I am ready to commit to someone. The perfect time of year too, spring adventures, and summer camping trips
Kenedy Singer, Ph.D.
Excellent article. And huge topic. So many people get stuck in relationships that they keep trying to get out of.
I speak from personal experience. Today, I’m a happy clinical psychologist who’s a successful dating coach with a healthy love life, but that hasn’t always been the case.
Many years ago I was dating a fantastic woman. She was beautiful, sexy, and an accomplished architect. On paper she was a catch. However, the relationship was very toxic for me. We both suffered a great deal. We broke up at least 5 times. Each time, I’d find myself drawn to get back together after a week or two. The reason for this was I was addicted to her. Some call it being a love addict. What I can tell you is I felt it physically in my body. It was an undeniable impulse and craving that I couldn’t resist.
Time and time again this happened until finally after one breakup I confronted myself and faced the pain. I remember one moment when I was laying on my couch feeling the strong painful longing. It was located in my gut. Rather than act on it though, I just put all of my attention on it with acceptance. It was intense. Maybe one of the most intense feelings I’ve had. I thought I was going to die. As I was with this feeling though what happened is that after a few minutes it dissolved. What came from it was a place of acceptance of myself. And the impulse to get back together was gone. Truly a miracle!
What happened next is that I did have a recurring waves of the longing and impulse. However, I now had the muscle to just embrace the feeling without acting on it. I didn’t get back together with her. I appreciate the great moments we had together but moved on.
Today, I am able to be in relationship with my partner from a healthy place where we are both complete on our own and come together to enhance that experience.
I can say that my love now is from a much healthier place where I’ve drawn in a partner who matches me in this place. Together we share great moments that are brightened by being together.