Below is an email from a reader who explained that she is going through a divorce, and that the divorce was HER decision. She asked me if I could give her some advice for when a woman decides to leave. In other words, how does one deal with the immense guilt of leaving your husband, when he didn’t want the divorce? (or didn’t know it was coming.)
“It would be so much easier if I could stamp him as a cheater, alcoholic, slacker, loser, abuser. But I can’t! He has been a good father to our children, a loyal husband as far as I know, and a good provider for our family. I am in therapy for all the feelings including guilt. The fact is, this has hurt him and ripped his heart out (those were his words).”
I have a few thoughts for when a woman decides to leave:
First, the fact that she has been so honest about this whole thing, admitted what’s really going on, taken responsibility for what she’s done, and is seeking a therapist’s help puts her so far ahead of the game when it comes to healing.
In lots of cases like this, I see both men and women who take the guilt they have about leaving their spouse, and spin it. What I mean is, they somehow start to blame the other person, and then become angry at the other person, and then they turn into a nightmare for that person by being cruel and vicious. What they are really doing is taking the hatred they feel for themselves and putting it on the other person to try to alleviate their own guilt.
When a woman decides to leave, here are some common feelings she might have:
GUILT
It’s an awful feeling to live with, and in my opinion, such a waste of energy and time! Guilt serves no productive purpose, so just stop it right now. Even if a person’s husband/wife has some serious flaws and there’s an obvious deal breaker such as abuse, cheating, drinking…whatever it was, people who decide to leave feel incredibly guilty for a long time–because of the kids, or just feeling like they are abandoning this person. If this is you, please re-evaluate what guilt is doing for you. I’m sure it’s nothing good.
Guilt can also make you settle financially in your divorce in a way you wouldn’t have settled had it been the other way around. You might accept less child support, give him the house, do whatever it takes monetarily to appease your guilt. And it won’t work. You’ll still feel guilty.
Guilt can also make you hate yourself, which is so totally unhealthy. Please get help if you feel guilty and it isn’t going away. You have to find a way to get rid of the guilt and regain self-love. Otherwise, you will never be able to move on.
FEAR
When a woman decides to leave, fear might set in. “Will I be OK financially? Will I have to sell the house? Will my kids be OK? Will I be alone forever?” Fear is normal, and everyone fears change. That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing the right thing. I bet if you asked anyone who has ever made a huge life decision if they were scared, 100% would say fuck yes!! Fear is normal, but try to turn it into a positive, meaning fear can drive you to hard work, good decisions and success.
FEELING LIKE YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAD
Just because it was YOUR decision to leave, that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting just as much as he is. Some people feel like maybe because they initiated the divorce that they don’t have the right to feel hurt, like they’re not allowed to miss him, or to grieve or cry or be upset. Maybe they feel like if they express sadness to someone, the person will say, “Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
Listen to me. You have every right to mourn your marriage if you are the one who decides to leave. It’s healthy to feel and process those emotions.
SHAME
Some people who leave might feel like they are doing something wrong, like others are judging them. I say if they are, that’s their issue. There is no shame in leaving a situation you feel is toxic and there certainly is no shame in trying to have a happier life. Every divorce situation is unique, and no one knows what the person is going through behind closed doors. I personally think if a woman decides to leave, there must have been a pretty good reason because no one wants to get divorced. It’s a last resort.
DOUBT
“Am I doing the right thing? What if I regret this later and try to get back together with him and he’s already met someone? What if I can’t make it on my own? What if the kids end up screwed up because of me? Am I being selfish? Can I make this work?” Sound familiar? This is your non-productive guilt playing into things.
I am going to say this about doubt. Currently, I am madly in love with my spouse. I would never in a million years break up with him unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing. Get the picture? If you were truly happy, divorce would not enter your mind. Ever.
Have confidence in your decision. The best thing I can recommend for doubt is to get a piece of paper and write down all the reasons the marriage isn’t working. Don’t show it to anyone, just keep writing and look at the paper every time you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. Include things like, “The night he did this…” “The time he told me…” “How I felt the night after so and so’s wedding…” Be specific.
Now onto the positives you might want to think about if you are the one leaving:
1. Your kids will be better off with two divorced parents who get along, then a household with no love, lots of fighting and coldness. They could grow up mimicking what you and your ex have in your relationship. They could think that is right. Or, they could see each of you in good, healthy, happy romantic relationships with other people. And, they could grow up mimicking that!
2. Leaving someone takes guts. Be proud that you are doing what’s right for your children and yourself, and that you left and didn’t take the easy way out by staying, maybe because he has money, or because it was comfortable.
3. Ask yourself this. Does your husband really deserve to be with a woman who doesn’t love him anymore? Doesn’t he deserve better? Your leaving him opens the door for him to possibly find love with a woman who appreciates him and wants him. And, I bet down the road, he will realize you did a good thing for everyone.
4. People always say “live in the present,” and although I am a huge fan of that, there is one instance where living in the future might benefit you: during a divorce. Living in the present during a divorce is stressful, but if you focus on your goals, and the life you are trying to create for after the divorce, the divorce might seem more manageable. Think about why you are doing all of this. If you stay, you know what to expect in the future. If you leave, it’s scary, but if you know whatever happens it will be better than what you have now, then you are doing the right thing.
I have a good friend whose husband blindsided her, and left her for another woman who he married two minutes after the divorce was final. I have said to her often, “Sometimes I feel like you are lucky because you didn’t have a say in this.” Sometimes it’s easier to be the one who was left versus the one who left. When something happens to you, you have no control. So, there’s no guilt.
In closing, divorce is very painful for both people, regardless of who left who. There’s really no way around that. But in the end, what ends up happening is, who left who doesn’t seem to matter much anymore, and both people go onto their own paths in life. What matters the most is how well the parents co-parent because that will have an effect on how the kids’ lives turn out.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship
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Moni
I am separated from my husband and it was my decision. It was so difficult to make this decision but I knew that I just couldn’t continue. It takes so much courage to admit it to yourself and then to have to tell the person that you have shared so much with. It has been very difficult for him to accept. I do feel some guilt that he is not taking this so well. I did not leave him for cheating on me or for anyone else. I do wish him the best and like you said, I hope he finds someone to love him. With that said, I feel so much happier now that I am on my own. I feel like I can breathe again!
Pained
My feels the same..I am not averse to her walking out..but want to understand the process that a woman goes through to reach that decision to empanthize and understand
Husband
Simple, don’t get married if you can’t commit. Ruin you life not his.
Erica
hi,
I left my husband as well… because he cheated on me and even after attempting to reconcile for about 6 months he wasn’t willing to really take responsibility for his actions. I knew that if I stayed I would never be able to trust him and it would slowly kill my soul and my sense of self worth. Still, leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because a future with him was all that I could even imagine… we’d been together 14 years since I was 19 years old. And I did feel guilty, even though he technically was the “wrongdoer”, I knew that I was also not perfect in the marriage. And basically the most common response to being cheated on is to blame yourself and for the cheater to blame you as well. So guilt comes with the territory. Plus, I felt guilty because he did play the victim of the divorce even though he was the one that cheated. Anyway, most of my guilt is gone now, but I still have a little regarding the kids.
Secondly, why do I keep reading these single mom/divorce blogs/articles where nobody wants to “judge” someone that cheated? I would have judged it before, though maybe not quite as harshly, and I DEFINITELY judge it now. Cheating is a completely selfish act and if your marriage is so miserable then you should initiate a divorce BEFORE sleeping/moving on with someone else. You do not betray the person that loves you, that you made a lifelong vow to, and who is just cluelessly going about their business having no idea that you’re living a double life and lying to their face day after day. I have no problem saying that is a completely wrong and shitty thing to do and that anyone who can do it has some serious character flaws that need attention.
Jackie Pilossoph
I just wanted to validate your feelings and tell you that a lot of times, I definitely judge a cheater. You are right. Why don’t they just initiate a divorce before the cheating? Know why? because most people want to have someone before they end what they are in. It’s cowardly, but hate to say it, it’s reality. All that said, i think there are times when the cheater has bent over backwards to try to make the marriage work, and the other person doesn’t want to try or care. They are willing to stay in a loveless, passionless relationship for whatever reason, and don’t want to try to make things better. So, what is a person supposed to do? I guess you could argue “get a divorce” first. But, it’s not always that cut and dry. Everything is a process.
Erica
yes I would argue you get a divorce first. Or therapy and then divorce. You don’t go looking for a new boyfriend/girlfriend while still married. That might seem too cut and dried, but that is how you treat your spouse with respect. Even as your marriage is falling apart. Why should one partner get to check out of their marriage, move on, and then blindside their partner by leaving for their affair partner? It might be reality in some cases, but I think it is wrong. And I believe the ability to do that to your spouse says a lot about a persons character.
Also, I’m not sure the percentages, but most people don’t cheat with any intention of getting out of the marriage. Cheaters are usually just fine with staying in these “loveless passionless” marriages as well. They cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want all the benefits of marriage to their spouse and then they also want the benefits of a brand-new sex partner. Why work on spicing up your sex life with your spouse when you can just get somebody new and it’s extremely passionate just because they are new plus the additional thrill of sneaking around to do it? In my case, there is no way my husband wanted a divorce. For money reasons, kid reasons, his reputation, maybe even because he still loved me. Or maybe just because I took care of a lot of things for him. Who knows?
Anyway, clearly I have strong feelings on the subject. But I don’t see everything completely black and while… I believe there are a VERY VERY few circumstances that make it somewhat more understandable. Having a one night stand and that making you realize you need to end your miserable marriage (that hopefully you’ve been going to therapy to deal with or at least have communicated with your spouse about) once and for all is closer to understandable. But a person that can carry on a long term affair while married and lying to their spouse day after day is just not a good person in my opinion. That is not someone I would ever be able to trust.
Brandy
It is definitely not easy to say ‘get a divorce’ first. I was married for 11 years and for the last 5 with a drug abuser. I tried everything to help him but there was nothing. Then one day I met someone else. I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. I had fallen in love with someone else instantly and was beside myself. I am not proud of my actions and I know what I did was wrong. I had been so unhappy for so long that it felt really good to be with someone that truly cared about me and not pills, weed or alcohol. I wish the timing could have been different, but over a year later and divorce final, I am so happy and free from the prison of being married to addict. I know if fully contributed to the demise of marriage and I admit that. I don’t think you can ever judge what someone did inside their marriage because unless you are a fly on the wall the entire time, you will never know what was really happening.
Sabrina
Brandy, I was in the same boat as you. Married for 10 years, together for 14 years with 2 beautiful children and the last 4 years of the marriage all my ex-husband did was spend our money on drugs. It was difficult to move on, but after doing everything in my power to get him help (sent him to 2 different rehabs), he just didn’t want to get clean. Sometimes you just have to make a decision to move on, especially if the other person is living their own life without you.
Keri
Thank you for posting this Brandy… I, myself am in a similar situation as you. My husband has been abusing prescription medications for years and when he dosent have them, I AM THE ONE WHO SUFFERS with his bad moods and just plain meanness. I have been neglected and without love for so long. I met this AMAZING loving man about 2 months ago and he has shown me what it feels like to be in love and happy again. The only person I worry about is our 7yr old daughter. But to me, I will be a better mother in the long run because I will be able to show her what true happiness is.
Paige
You are so right! I used to have a hatred for cheaters..some are just scumbags it’s true. But when you try to stay in an unhappy relationship just because you don’t want to hurt the other person and if you become weak/vulnerable in a situation with someone you truly desire, it happens even if not planned…though at that point it should be their indication that they are ready to end the relationship.
Lyn
Same goes!! True words 🙂
James
Wow Erica! It’s crazy my situation is exactly the same as your’s was. The ONLY difference is I’m the guy who was betrayed. It’s so refreshing reading from someone else’s point of view that has gone through the exact same thing I’m going though now. We were together for 24 years and she blamed me for everything that was wrong and never took responsibility for her ” inappropriate friend” i call him. But I still feel guilty sometimes, especially because I finally walked out on her after trying to save our marriage for six months, and she is having a hard time now with bills and whatnot. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we have 3 wonderful kids together that mean the world to me and it kills me to see them worry about money. I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. You don’t know how your comment just validated my own feelings. So many times on these blogs, the husband is to blame for his wife stepping out of the marriage. I agree with you 100% that if the other person is so miserable in the marriage, that they should either tell the other person so that they might be able to work it out or just initiate the divorce before they check out and move on while still married. I took our vows “for better or for worse” seriously and I never in a million years would have guessed that I would be in the position I’m in right now. I just hope the depression and guilt fades with time. Good luck to you. i know this blog is over a year old now and I don’t know if you’ll ever see my reply. But if you do, thanks again.
Sam Durrant
Erica, I double checked to make sure you weren’t MY wife!! You are so right, men like me have serious flaws and need a lot of work. We should never be allowed to marry and ruin some poor woman’s life. Sad.
Brian
Good post, I wanted to comment on your statement… “Sometimes it’s easier to be the dumpee versus the dumper. When something happens to you, you have no control. So, there’s no guilt.”
I had no control over my (now Ex-) wife at all. Married 21 years, she chose to have an affair, and when I discovered it, confronted her.. No discussion, no counseling – just over. She was done, and ready to move on. 21 years, 4 kids, her mind was made up.
While I didn’t have any control over her, or the situation, I did ultimately get control over me, and how I would get through the divorce that she quickly initiated, and more importantly, how I would help our kids get through the process – which she saw as just a minor road bump in their lives.
And I had, and continue to have, tons of guilt… I did nothing “wrong” like she did, and while I’m not perfect by any means, and our marriage certainly wasn’t perfect, I feel tons of guilt over how I could have handled different things in our marriage, should I have seen how unhappy she was, how could I have been a better father/husband/person, a better partner? Questions I’ll never really know the answer to, especially in any discussion with her.
Easier being the dumped or dumper? Tough call.
Chad
Hi Brian,
I am currently going through the same situation you did. We have two young boys (7 & 3) and I caught her cheating on me (for a second time now). I still love her with all my heart, but now she is done. She is running away at 100 mph. She filed for divorce and is not upset about it at all. I am a doctor and still have trouble coping. I would like to chat with you about how you are doing and things you have done to get by.
Thanks!
Jamie
This blog is me to a tee. I was not happy in my marriage and left to stay at my mothers house. My ex is a good guy, good father, and the guy you can always count on to be there for you. He ended up filing for divorce after we had been seperated for months. He gave me exactly what I wanted at the time. Now I have watched the hell he went through processing our divorce and he by no means wanted the divorce. Now 5 months after our divorce I am so full of remorse and guilt that I absolutely hate myself. I have put him through hell my daughter wants her parents back together its all so rough to deal with and it is completely my fault. We are both dating someone now and I still feel the guilty and I know I wrecked his life. Due to the amount of guilt I have I know I have not let myself move on. To some extent I dont know that I want to move on this is not the life I had planned for myself. Would love some advice on my situation bc I am very confused by my emotions and thoughts.
I have to say your site has been the best I have ever visited. Plan on buying your book Divorced Girl Smiling for sure. Thank you for what you do.
Jackie Pilossoph
Thanks for reaching out, and for the nice words about my blog and book.
I’m not a therapist, so the only advice I can give you is from my heart and my experiences, and just as a person who has gone through a divorce myself.
So, the first thing I will tell you is that you should get a therapist. It was so so helpful for me, I can’t even tell you.
The other thing is, are you able to talk to your ex? I mean, if you think you want to get back together, why not ask him? I’m sure it would be really difficult, but what’s wrong with giving it a try? If he says no, so what? Who cares about pride.
And the thing is, if he doesn’t want to, you have to accept it and move forward. Self love is the key to moving on and having a happy life, in my opinion. How do you get self-love? By forgiving yourself and understanding that you (nor anyone else) is perfect and that we all make mistakes.
I will be wishing you all the best and hoping things work out for you.
Clare
All I can say today is thank you. I came across this entry for the reason that you wrote it. I NEEDED it. Everything else I read seems to be about women who have been left by their husbands.
I initiated this separation and divorce and I often feel so alone with it. Yes, I have the guilt. I watch our friends comfort and console my soon to be ex and feel both envy and support for him.
I respect him enough not to discuss his shortcomings which led to my decision with any of our friends or colleagues. But, I know that he does discuss mine. It’s a tough road. I have had very few offer their support to me or even kindness. I sense their unease around me and even watch them turn away with polite smiles. So it is. For a while I accepted it as my ‘punishment’ for initiating the divorce. But now, I see it for what it is and turn to my few true friends who understand completely what I’m going through.
It has never been easy in this 23 year marriage, coming to the decision to divorce was no easier and going through it just as difficult. And yet, somehow, I know it is the right and healthiest thing to do for myself. In the process of coming to the decision I ended up in the hospital and I don’t ever want that to happen again. I have to regain my life and it is taking all of the strength that I have to get there. Thank you for writing this and being a pillar of support today.
Matt
Erica, I think you are absolutely right. I feel strongly that marriage is a sacred commitment between two people but also to God. Hollywood, pop culture, and even single ‘friends’ glamourize women that liberate themselves and take control of their lives, its BS. Under The Tuscan Sun, Eat Pray Love… there are many other similar story lines that promote the destruction of marriage and family. I believe many longtime marriages where a spouse suddenly seems like a different person is due to Mid Life Crisis (hormonal imbalances?) and trust me, its just as prevalent among females as males. In fact, most divorces of people 40+ are initiated by women. That number seems to be rising all the time in recent years, maybe because women are in the workforce now more than they have been in the past and feel the worldly stresses? Who knows. In my opinion another issue is divorce is so easy to do legally anymore. Most states have ‘no fault’ laws and fast-track the process. Divorce is wrong and unless your safety is in jeopardy by staying with your spouse I don’t think should occur. As far as counseling? Unless you find a truly ‘promarriage’ counselor most will get what they can ($) and if their advice isn’t making progress in the relationship they will suggest divorce. Divorce is a multibillion dollar business you just need to follow the $ and you see who benefits from it. I think going and getting couples therapy from a longtime married older couple that has “been there done that” is probably better time spent that going to a counselor.
Cheating is wrong folks. Everyone is taught that from an early age. Divorce is wrong and courts can’t make broken promises right.
Guilt? Guilt is the litmus test if you’ve done wrong. Like people have said here even the dumpee feels guilt and they should because no one is perfect and they surely have made mistakes in their marriages. That being said they should be forgiven for their short comings and loved.
Laura Nesbitt
Thank you for this blog! I want to leave my husband because I just don’t think I love him. Have a fantastic 2 year old daughter. I unfortunately had an emotional affair while trying to figure out if I wanted the divorce/can I change him etc and that has now impacted majorly on everything.
My husband is very good overall. He just started to neglect me and stopped putting in effort into our relationship. But he worked hard and is a great father. Now trying to tell him I want to leave he becomes very angry and bullies me. Yesterday I was frightened he might hit me although I’m sure he never would. 3 hours of swearing and screaming which I stupidly absorbed…maybe I should have defended myself a bit but for all those who hate “cheaters” we don’t always know what a terrible thing it is we are doing…it’s a well known phenomenon and difficult to get yourself out of the mess.
So I am now scared to even think about how to leave him. He will get angry again (maybe). I really think I can be happier outside this marriage but why do I feel I need permissions? We are going to marriage counselling to see if something can be done but I’m worried I’m passed the saving/I don’t want to save it…any advice?
Megan
Laura Nesbitt- the last part you said- “I’m worried I’m passed the saving and I don’t want to save it…
I have been married to my husband a little over a year now and found out shortly after we got married that my husband has a porn addiction. I did not know before we were married that he struggled with this addiction and this has and continues to effects our sex life, as well as myself. I am 24 years old; I’m a Christian and have been raised in church and have heard all my life from my parents and leaders constantly telling me that divorce is not an option. I have heard it all.. that I need to pray for my marriage and seek guidance and help. I have talked to my husband on how this affects me and it’s like in one ear and out the other. I know that I should try to get more help with counseling or at least talk to my husband MORE about how I really feel, but I almost don’t want too, I resent him so much now. My family has realized that my husband is not the spiritual leader in our marriage and they can sense we are having problems, but I have not told them the real issues that I’m dealing with. It’s almost like am I really supposed to feel like this in my first year of marriage? Sex or intimacy with my husband is not supposed to be an issue this early on? I can’t satisfy my husband, because he is constantly being satisfied by porn. We will go several weeks without having sex because he is pleasuring himself, and when we do have sex he is never satisfied. Along with the porn addiction, he struggles with anger issues. So when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets really angry. Where do I start? Because my heart is hard against my husband and right now before I plan more of my future with him and TRY to start a family, something has to change, or I want out.
Susan in TX
Megan, my heart breaks for you. I am also a Christian (pastor too) and was married for 25+ years before initiating divorce as a last resort after years of every type of intervention (Christian and ‘secular’) that you can imagine. Please do not try to start a family with this man. I am willing to talk with you privately if you might find that helpful.
brownie46
Megan, your Husband may have a personality disorder. I have been married for 8 years and my husband moved out very suddenly last November. However,during the course of the marriage I noticed he withdrew from sex with no explanation. I begin seeing an increase in porn and confronted him on it. His problem was such that he started seeking out young women. When I was already 11 years younger than him. You sound like me a person who raised to believe that the man is the spiritual leaders of the home. It was only last month that I was advised by a therapist of his behavior disorder. He is anti- social and that is why there was so much conflict in the marriage. We talked about reconciling but I am having reservations about it. We do have a 5 year old daughter. If you are this early in the marriage and sex is already being withdrawn, I would advise to get counseling and hold off on kids (provided you don’t already have them) until things are restored.
Carla
Megan, I feel you deep in my heart. While I can’t say that I’m 100% devoted Christian, at least like I should be, my story is very similar. We have been married 4 years and over the past year my husband has all but wrote me off in the bedroom. I see on his phone that he has countless porn videos and new ones all the time yet we NEVER have sex. I can’t understand how a man can choose porn over his real live warm bodied wife.
I’m at the point of not caring anymore. I’m past not feeling loved or wanted. I’m over the endless nights falling asleep with not so much as a kiss. I want a divorce and they only thing holding me back is that I’m afraid to hurt HIM, yet I’m putting my own feelings on the back burner.
If the regular porn wasn’t bad enough, recently I have found transsexual porn ( guys with guy parts that look like girls), now I fear its just gay porn and how could I possibly compete with that??
Jen
Megan,
I am the victim of a man who has had a life long porn and gambling addiction that I had no clue about until we got married. Threeonths onto the marriage I found it all out and 13 years later the same problems. I tried so hard to ask God to change is heart. I too was raised that divorce is not an option. Thirteen years later and 2 beautiful kids, I’m in a loveless marriage. I have not been hugged, kissed, smuggled with in nearly 5 years. My husband and I live in the same house, as roommates. It’s horrible. My children don’t understand why other Mommies and Daddies share rooms, go out together. We are modeling horrible marriage traits. I am a Christian. He does not want a divorce. Why would he? He has a dutiful housekeeper, babysitter and he travels the world gambling and Lord knows what. It’s awful. Trust me this is an addiction that gets worse with time. I begged him to go to counseling and the therapist told me “until he’s sitting alone in a too
With nothing but boxes, he will not get it!” Why do I stay? Iny state it is likely that he will get 50 percent custody. I can’t even fathom leaving a you girl with him knowing what he feeds his mind. Im stuck. I’m not going through a mid life crisis. I’m truly stuck. Please Megan, he married you and kept a big part of himself a secret. His addiction will not go away.
Maria Chambers
Great article. And, I just want to add, that I have been married twice over the past 40 years, and I have been both the one who left, and the one who was left. What I have learned is that there are no victims, just volunteers. There are no bad guys. Everyone involved is creating their own reality, and the other person is just a mirror for our own issues. If we go into a relationship expecting the other to fulfill us, it’s doomed to fail. If both people go in with their self love intact, then the relationship has more balance. Very few relationships are built on each person being sovereign because most of us were never taught to be our own resource. They are wonderful experiences to learn who we are, and what love is and isn’t. Whoever we attract in our life is just a reflection of where we are at emotionally. If we have abandonment issues, we will most likely attract someone who will abandon us emotionally or physically. If we were taught that love was when someone needs you, we will probably attract someone who is needy, and further, they are just a mirror for our own inner needy child that we have systematically abandoned. Opening up our hearts to ourselves, loving ourselves unconditionally, is an essential step in loving others in a balanced way.
Rob
I just had to add something to this. As a man who’s wife just left him 4 weeks ago and asked for a divorce. I have given my heart, soul, mind, and body to my wife. It hurts more than anything I have ever dealt with. I am in the armed forces and had to deal with a lot that would make people cringe. So hear me when I say that just leaving and saying I want a divorce is the wrong way to end a marriage. Go to counseling together and talk about your issues, date each other again, make sure you both do everything humanly possible, especially when there are children involved. Now there are good reasons to end a marriage but what I am talking about is for those men and women who don’t have no reason other than, I don’t love him/her anymore, or they do this or that and I just can’t take it anymore. Don’t throw away a marriage based off just feelings as well. Feeling/emotions change all the time, take the grieving period I am going through, I was hurt, sad,and lost. Now I feel sorry for her for throwing away me and our kids like trash because she did not feel that spark anymore. I’m mad at her for abandoning me and the kids, our family that we spent ten years putting together. (just for info wife just went through a full hyster in November so she was thrown into a midlife crisis at age 29)
I have read and read a lot and there seems to be two sides to every coin. If a divorce is in your horizons, do everything you can to save it no matter how you feel, but if you put everything you have into it with your spouse, and if it still is not working then yes talk about divorce. You will find yourself more at peace, and it will be a much smoother/amicable transition.
Pained
Thanks your post seems very healing..Im glad some people have ideals like you
chaz
Hey man your story sounds a lot like mine… i am not in the military but man our story is similar weve been separated for 2 months. Simply because she feels no spark. . Shes said the i love you but im not in love with you saying… her answer to why shes doing this is because all we did was have sex and argue… which is not true.. we have 2 boys 1 and 3 … shed rather just give up and move on… I dont understand… I told her id do everything I could .. counseling, therapy… the last 6 months we had before the separation was nothing but sex and having fun together… taking the boys out. Rivers parks, hikes… there was issues of course but nothing we couldnt fix… Im still there for the boys getting them as much as I can… its been 2 months and my hearts not healed, im stilk trying to heal and deal with changes… Im 24 shes almost 24 we have known each other since 8th grade was together for 5years.. my head hates feels angry but my heart loves her an insane amount… im ready to be myself again..
Bill
Lots of painful stories here. I wanted to share this enlightening article with this group. Maybe it too could help you and your marriage….
Rescue
I’m really glad I came across this site.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 yrs now. I have been going through a lot of soul searching for the past six months evaluating my life et al. Having read through all the comments, I feel as if I am going through a bit of each – don’t feel like I love my husband the same way, I feel some resentment toward him for enabling my weaknesses – he is an enabler, resentment to myself for allowing myself to stay with him despite him cheating on me severally (wth did I stay?), he is also struggling with porn addictions and I have completely lost interest in him sexually – I cant wait for it to be over even before it starts, for the past 7 months 🙁
I think most of the issues are my own fault – he tries very hard to be a good man and has become spiritual, he is a good provider and we have never fought about finances, he is a decent man but I dont feel appreciative at all, I feel defective because everyone I talk to says to stay and work things out but I dont think I want to – every time he has an issue he wants to discuss I hear it as a whine and the whinning drives me insane! I want to run…
Will a trial seperation help as we see a counsellor? I think the more I live with him the more I resent him and reduce my desire to be with him.
I feel terrible, Why is this happening? Do 30 yr old women have special hormonal defects?
Andre
I find it very troubling to read how little respect women here have towards marriage. You SHOULD feel guilty for leaving an honest man. You ARE wrong. You ARE a bad person. You hurt the person who loves you the most because you were unable to fulfill your part of the bargain. You deserve to be unhappy and if you are happy hurting your husband, you are simply selfish and should be punished with the burden of guilt, you deserve nothing from the marriage, and should have to pay for the entire process of destroying your family, and feel guilty. Why? Because you made the decision….no one else and you are a bad person… accept the consequences for your selfish ness and stop trying to make divorce seem anything but wrong.
Ellie
Andre, i feel bad that you live your life with this way of seeing things. How truly naive.
Every single woman on here is sharing how they find it difficult to leave even though they feel it is right, not one has stated how happy they are about it as you mentionned.
It is not because someone is good that it means that they are good for you. Sometimes it is what it is. Also, alot of people “giving up on their side of the bargain” as you would put it are actually the ones who were given up on.
Everyone deserves to be happy. There are many languages in loves : different ways of showing our significant others our appreciation. The problem is, sometimes we do not speak the same “love” language and someone, or both, people in the marriage feels neglected. It’s not that a specific language is wrong, they’re just not the same…
Good luck, this too shall pass 😉
Brad
Andre has a good point. When two people meet they are already different. They each over look the differences before they got married and would do anything to make the relationship work. Then after marriage one decides there expectations are not being met and now puts limits on the marriage and find excuses to leave. Then build up courage to say to the spouse they are unhappy. Divorce is not right an the world glorifies divorce people decieve themselves. God allows divorce if it involves cheating because that breaks the covenant btwn God you and your spouse. It causes all of the negative feelings. It is sad that people decide everyday to leave a good marriage for selfish reason. When it is time to work on the marriage to strengthen and provide unconditional love. They choose to give conditional love for themselves and leave sad. When you divorce for ungodly reasons it is selfish. People in marriages need to love there spouse unconditionally everyday. Because that is what we all seek from God is his unconditional love. People marriage is work an a lifetime committment..
Jameel
I read your post and you appear to be level headed so I wanted to seek your advice for my situation. I’m currently married and have been so for 7 years. However, I have two small children by another woman that I was going to marry prior to meeting the woman that I’m with now. The mother of the two children and I had a sudden break up about 8 years ago, of which, lead to my losing communication with her and my children due to some personal problems that she was having. Now, things have changed between me and my wife and my children’s mother and i still have very strong feelings for each other. My wife is a good woman, but she does not satisfy me sexually. She refuses to do the things that I really want from a woman in the bedroom, and we are going in too separate directions spiritually. She is a devout Christian and I’m of a different ideology. Too be honest, I’m still in love with my children’s mother and she is still in love with me. I love my wife but we don’t have any children and she has 3 children from a previous marriage of 18 years, of which, she divorced. Now I’m so unhappy with my marriage but yearning to be with my children and their mother. I want my own family and not one that’s ready made. My wife’s children have shown me little respect as their step father and they are all adults now. However, my children are 8 and 10 years of age and I feel I need to be where they are and with the woman that I really want to be with. I’m so confused about everything and I could use your advice.
Pained
Andre-I agree with your thoughts..I feel the same at being betrayed for being honest,genuine and hardworking
Deanna
There are days when I wish I could be like this, so black and white. Life would be so much easier. The truth is, however, that life isn’t black and white. Things are very rarely just wrong and right. But life is easier when you can pretend this is the case. People can feel guilty because they are doing wrong, but they can also feel guilty for a million reasons unrelated to their behavior. Again, in some ways I envy you, but for the most part I do not. Life is loved in the gray areas that are sometimes uncomfortable.
Pepper
I have been looking for people woho feel the same way as I do. I have a very good husband and a good father. I can say that he is a very good person as well. I left him last August. We still see each other and we’ve been trying to work things out. I wanted to save the marriage but everytime I look at him, I know that all I want for us is to be just bestfriends. I feel guilty knowing that if I would choose to stay with him, I’m depriving him of the chance to find another woman who will love him as much as he loves her. I am so sad because I know that I’m letting go of the best man I could ever have in this lifetime. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Do you really believe that parents should stay together for the sake of the kids? especially, if there’s no abuse happening in the family? Thank you for reading my post. Happy Easter everyone.
kt
Pepper,
I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I feel exactly as you do, it’s as if I wrote your post myself. I’ve been with my husband for 3 years, married for 6 months. He’s a wonderful dad and a super nice guy and great provider for our family. However, it seemed to me he lost his ‘spark’. I tried everything to better our relationship and he kept promising change. After all this time, things are still the same and I’m unhappy. I feel guilty thinking about leaving
I’ve tried talking to him and he gets upset, belittles me and starts swearing. I want us both to be happy but I fear I am no longer in love and it’s beginning to feel like the more time goes on, the more I know I’d like to split up. I wouldn’t think it’s good for our daughter to be around two people living together while not in love. I don’t know what to do either. I feel so guilty and sick to my stomach. I wish you luck and hopethat whatever the outcome, you each find happiness.
Ann
I feel exactly the same way. Just tired of the daily fights. We are best friends now. We like the same music and share two teenagers. Right now is not a good time for him, and I will respect that. Our kids know. Our daughter doesn’t like him and she will start therapy this week. She begs me to divorce. Her brother doesn’t. I wish he would move on and find someone better. I just want to be left alone.
Greg
After reading these posts. There is no question, for many of these women God has not been involved in the marriage..
Sophia
Hi, i am presently contemplating a divorce. i am married three years now and God knows i had loved my husband. i believedcouldn’t do anything wrong. Only for him to end up in jail two months after marriage and spending eight months on violation of probation for theft related offence. I didn’t know of his issues with the law before marriage because he hid it. i also found out he had more children than what he told me before marriage. He lied that he was an american when he is only an Resident of America, this i found out when he facing deportation for criminal conduct. i stayed with him only to find out 2 years into the marriage that he got a child when the marriage is less than 2 years. i still decided to work on the marriage, but lost interest when his new child mother started sending pictures of the both of them to my email. I dont believe in divorce, but how can i continue in this unhealty marriage.
? i am overseas and now he is telling me that he has moved to another state. is it that he fears i might turn up at the address where we last lived. thats our home of course but i am lost…confused and dont know wat to do
John Conner
This is foolishness. When you are feeling guilty that is because you’ve done something wrong. I find it comical that you blind people are trying help adulterers overcome guilt. Of course they should feel guilty because they broker the oath to stay true their spouse to the end. The only way to end the misery is to stop being selfish, stop being lustful, stop being a slut. Simply put, mend your adulterous ways. Unless these lost people were abused or cheated on, quit treating these selfish oath-breakers as victims.
Joe
This is a subject I am too familiar with. As a 41 year old man and now a single father, I was in a relationship with the mother of my two young children for seven years. We broke up once early on then got back together. Six months ago she told me she was having an affair! What I later learned, as she lied about some of the details even, was this man is her boss! It devastated me in a way I never knew anything could.
I cried more in the two months that followed our legal separation than I ever have in my life and I’ve always been a very strong man but cheating destroys families and it irreparably ruins lives! PLEASE HEAR ME ON THIS… Cheating isn’t just morally wrong, it DESTROYS LIVES! If you can live with knowing you’ve caused someone, like your husband, your children, another woman and perhaps her children, greater pain than they could ever know… then by all means Mrs. Hitler, do your worst! But if you don’t want to live with that… don’t do it! Get out of your relationship first, divorce, separation, etc. then find someone who is single (only after you’ve gone to counseling to figure out what’s wrong with you), because let me say this… WHOLE people don’t need to cheat! Only empty, shallow people cheat and that has more to do with you than your partner.
Jackie
I am feeling a bit judgmental myself right now: I feel compassion for those on this blog that feel the need to set forth blanket moral judgments on why people choose to have an affair. There is no way one can possibly know all the circumstances, layers of complexities, or situation involved in these choices. People are not all bad — everyone carries within them light and darker energy. It is sad when a marriage ends. It does cause tremendous pain for sure. Behaviors inside a troubled marriage are probably too numerous in some cases to comprehend. But to make moral assessments from your own personal place of pain serves no one and promotes further judgment that has no place in the health of our collective. Do you live a life that is free of all mistakes? Are you morally perfect in the eyes of our culture? Do you follow your own heart, and live your own truth or do you operate from a pre-designed script learned in a lifetime that you are tempted to step away from but don’t? Everything begins within. All the answers are there.
Chris
If you are willing to walk away from a marriage, file for divorce, when there has not been anything done wrong by your partner, then you are a bad person.
Marriage is an agreement to spend your life with someone, and unless your partner does not stay true to their vows, if you ask for a divorce, you are in the wrong.
Life is not about what individual whims, but about communities, families and relationships.
In this case, he was correct. You were wrong for asking for a divorce.
Life is not all about “happiness”, but about resilience…
Andre
Megan,I sympathize with your opinion, however the decision whether a person is right for you, should be done well before a mortgage, kids, Investments etc…. Basically, it seems there are alot of stories that amount to a woman leading a guy on for about a decade. Marriage is a commitment to a person and your children, it is not some fairy tale to be told. It is established on love between two people, but life is difficult, and if you’ve got the time to sit around and harp on what makes you “happy”, you are wasting time. Get a hobby, do not destroy your family.
Amanda
There may be people who do not care about the ripple affect an affair or divorce may cause, but I believe that most do. I am currently going through a divorce and guilt is with me every day. I have been married for over 20 years. I have thought and discussed divorce with my husband a few times through our marriage as a desperate plead for him to realize how unhappy I had been with our relationship. He never took it seriously and I later found that once I finally took the step and filed for divorce that he thought I was just saying these words to hurt him. My marriage had ups and downs like most others. There was some mental and physical abuse in my marriage. Not always but scattered throughout. I believe the times it did occur may have caused me to distance myself from him emotionally. I don’t feel that he was an overall bad person. I think he had difficultly with communicating not just with me but with others as he had a short fuse. I did not feel respected. I struggled over all those years off and on about the right thing to do, not just for myself but for him also, and mostly our children. I struggled with what may be best for our kids. Was it better for them to have both their parents in the home married but them witnessing and hearing a very negative marriage or would it be better to see their parents possibly happy and divorced? Some people on here have stated that the person should first leave and then find another. I would agree and thought little of someone who would have an affair as I had watch it happen as a child with my own parents when my father left my mother for another. Without getting into to much detail about my marriage my husband and I were not getting along again as usually, and I told him that i was done. I just could not do it anymore. I had no more strength to continue. I felt that I already left emotionally long ago and do not feel like it was by choice. I feel that he had also and we were just going through the motions. I do not think either of us were happy. I did not leave after telling him this as it is a hard choice to make. I then met someone who had recently gone through a divorce. Not his choice as his wife had left him and their child with no farther contact. He was a great support and understood some of the things that I was going through. I did not mean for it to happen but before you know it I was in an emotional affair. I filed for divorce which I feel was not based on this new friendship. We separated against my husbands wishes and he refuses to sign the divorce papers. I had entered a relationship with this new man but semi secretly. As I did not want others to think this relationship is the reason for my divorce and I do not want to cause pain to anyone. I feel very guilty about all of this. My children have recently become aware of my friendship with this man and are not comfortable with it. I know that their father is telling them things about it. I feel guilt about leaving my husband, guilt about feeling like I am no longer a proper role model for my children and guilt about feeling selfish which I have never been before. Do I deserve this guilt? Maybe, I don’t know. It is over a year since my separation with my husband and the guilt is no better. He still refuses to divorce me and wants to continue with our marriage. Do I stop the relationship with a man who has treated me with complete respect and understanding and so much more for the past year to return to a man who has been completely disrespectful and emotionally abused me? I have always placed my family’s happiness before my own. Honestly I don’t think any of us were completely happy with the situation before or now. So what do i do? I feel that I will have guilt regardless but I also feel I will lose myself completely and be filled with resentment if I return to living in my marriage. So was i wrong to start a relationship with this new man. Absolutely. Would it have been better to wait until all was settled with my husband? Of course. No one can judge someone for having an affair without walking in their shoes. I never thought i would and neither did anyone who knew me, but it happens. It is not planned and it is not easy.
Catie
Are you serious? If you are not happy, how are your children supposed to be happy? And leading a guy on? Not knowing about drug abuse and putting up with that is a lot different than leading him on. I’m pretty sure this website is designed to help people not take them back to the 1850’s. It is a commitment between TWO people and if someone is not holdin up their end of the bargain I think you are entitled to move on and find someone to make you happy. I think you need less hobbies and focus on yourself!!!!
Adele
There will always be selfish people who are always only about themselves. But there’re also people who sacrifice themselves way too much to the level of stupidity but still feel guilty. God knows all the details of each story.
Marriage should be sacred. It’s not that God is happy to see divorce, but definitely God’s will is not to punish, or else everyone will end up in Hell, including those who are not divorced, or dumped without doing anything “wrong”. I can’t believe how naive some people believe they are much better human beings just because their piece of paper is legally intact. I’m not saying adultery is “all right”, either. But God knows our attitude towards everything/everyone at any moment.
Sorry but Andre your advice to Megan sounds so hypocritical and unloving to me. While saying “It is established on love between two people”, the suggestion is solely for Megan to develop a “hobby”. And “…decision whether a person is right for you, should be done well before a mortgage, kids, Investments etc…. Basically, it seems there are alot of stories that amount to a woman leading a guy on for about a decade”, what are you trying to say??
Maybe you should volunteer to talk to Megan’s husband to hear the other side of the story. But if Megan is not lying, tell him his behavior is betraying his wife and shows that he is walking away from the marriage.
For anyone who is religious I doubt you’ll find your peace easily without counselling wise elders of your church or someone truly spiritual before you file for divorce. Please keep in mind it’s not about seeking permission from another person, it’s about seeking cures for sickness you yourself can’t deal with. Pray to God for guidance and discernment so that you know what advice to follow/practice and what to refuse/ignore. Develop your own hobbies is actually a good step for anyone who has been struggling with the question “shall I divorce or not” to start with. Just put aside all the miseries and focus on yourself for sometime. Come back to tackle the problem when you’re energized. Don’t rush to file divorce when you’re still very confused, guilty or angry.
I’m not baptized yet so I’ll only say I believe in God. Getting to know HIM was the best gift I received through the excruciating pain these years. He gave me the confidence to walk my path with HIM. Everything in this life shall pass, including our marriage, a good one or bad one. No need to get too hangup on anything, even if it might be “sacred”. We’ll become a better person with more capability to love if we learn through our falls. Or else we suffer in vain and that’s a real failure.
Alice
You’re views on divorce are absolutely appallingly. I came across your blog looking for insight, but honestly can’t believe you are so callous about something so painful as divorce, regardless of who initiates it. Shameful.
James
Happiness and marriage in an unrealistic expectation. Anyone entering marriage expecting to be happy is delusional. In fact I wonder where that crazy idea came about. This is not a storybook and living happily ever after is fiction. Marriage as a practicality is about raising a family and looking after each other when the other is sick and injured so they can ensure the children’s survival and well being. If you want be happy, stay single, don’t get married, don’t bring children into this world if you don’t intend to provide them an actual family. There’s enough screwed up people on this planet, don’t f up your kids by cheating. They look up to mom and dad as the example, so teach them the things you want them to learn.
Amanda
I agree that children look up to their parents. I agree that cheating is not an example to show your children, although sometimes it happens. I also think that it is harmful to stay in an unhappy marriage and set the example for your children that is okay to tolerate being disrespected. I feel that it is also not the proper thing to stay in a marriage and show your children that it is okay to stay with someone who causes so much stress in the home that everyone is walking on eggshells. So what do you do? What is better for the children? For their parents to find happiness and show their children that happiness and respect for self is important or is it better to show children that commitment regardless of circumstances is what is morally right?
James
You can make the choices, but you can’t predict the outcomes. Same as when people enter marriage with hopeful intentions of happiness, they leave through divorce with the same train of thoughts. In either case, there are always good times and there are always bad times in any situation. Only thing that can be controlled is how people themselves behave during any decision being made because the kids are watching.
Unknown
I agree with everyone. Yes, cheating is very wrong and it’s unfair to the kids. What happened to love, honesty and respect. My husband cheated on me several times, Yes, I was angry and hurt but I forgave him several times he cheated on me. At this point, I’m tired of him taking me for granted. I went to counseling, that did not help cause my husband no longer wants to continue counseling. As a Christian woman, what do I do? I know that’s the only way to separate or divorce my husband is if he commits adultery. Why am I the one who feels quilty in this relationship? He acted as if it’s normal. He is upset because I ignore him and I’m not intimate with him for the past five months. I’m afraid that he might bring some types of diseases to me. Please reply by email, I need your opinion. Thanks in advance
Pinocchio
I agree…divorcing your spouse and then feeling no guilt about it, especially when the husband had been giving you just what you asked for…faithfulness, non-abuse, complete control over finances, is complete BS! The Bible is clear about divorce. It says that God is against divorce Except for adultery, and I am sure abuse as well. B6t when you’ve told your spouse prior to marriage that you did not believe in divorce except for those two reasons, and then years later you decide you want a divorce because you feel like you’ve been doing everything, or you just come to an idea that you’ve not l8ved your spouse for years but then years later, you tell him this, all of this makes you a liar And an idiot as well. Not only that, but you are going against God’s will for your life. And I think spouses who behave this way should be very ashamed of themselves and they should go stick their fat better-than-thou head unberneath a rock, and never come out!!!
Ohh, one more thing…you should not only feel horribly guilty for the rest of your life, but you should feel extremely ashamed of yourself for lying to your spouse each and every day you said you loved him, for years!!!
Diego
I don’t have words to explain how lost, hurt and torn I feel in what is left in our marriage. Having been newly weds lasting a mere 8 months, I have battled to get my wife to understand the concept of partnership. She is very intelligent, a lawyer and starting to become successful in her career which I have supported. I provided us our home, I pay majority of our bills except for groceries. I joined her to make supper, always approached to kiss her good day and tried to be as affectionate as I know. I washed dishes, cleaned up after her and had to always make sure the dog’s were fed. Hell, I even sacrified the entire wardrobe to be hers because there was not even 1 spare piece of real estate to hangle a single shirt. I run my own business with a office from home and had to sort out all daily problems on my own without the help because too afraid to ask a contentious wife. She wants to be as independant as the day she wishes chosing to come home some nights close to 11-12pm. When I raised the question because I really just needed her to be there last week, I was left branded a punisher and a soul crusher! How I shout her out and how dare I speak to her causing conflict due to my own insecurities, high ego, negatitvity and selfish ways. 2 days later she arrives home the Friday around 12pm as if nothing happened and decides the Saturday morning she needs 5 minutes to chat. I was emotional and feeling still very hurt and somewhat angry at her I simply refused to discuss because I was afraid to lose my temper. 2 hours later she starts to pack up all her things including furniture and moves out to her moms. This is now day 6 and since Sunday evening I have been taking the blame and responsibility for what is done because I really want to save our marriage. I am prepared to suffer because it’s not my nature to quit. I am begging, I am pleading and been apologising for having not had the insight to handle a bad situation and turning it into a good situation by rather having opted to reward her with love instead on the Saturday morning. What I mean is that I am prepared to look past faults here and even take the name with shame to save our vows. I just don’t know what is happening around me, not sure how to manage the fact of how to even begin to understand this. I just cannot comprehend how 2 people who are meant to love one another can hurt each other in such a terrible manner. All I know is that this has left me in pieces….a wreck and that I really do love her.
Cara
I’ve been married 15 years and have a 15 year old daughter. Yes, we married because I got pregnant. We were only dating a few months and during that time had many serious fights and nearly broke up numerous times. My friends were all against me marrying him. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been in love with my husband and the past 15 years have been extremely difficult and I’ve been very unhappy. We’ve probably only had sex 10-15 times in 10 years. I’ve stayed and felt stuck because I felt like it was the right thing to do for my daughter. When she started high school last year my eyes opened and I realized my reason for staying was quickly coming to an end as my daughter would be going on to live her own life soon. Now that I’ve started seriously thinking about divorce I don’t want to wait another 3 years for her to graduate. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone and I know that is unavoidable. My husband does not want a divorce. My daughter has made statements that she thinks we will get divorced over the past few years. I honestly don’t think counseling will work as we never had the strong foundation that others work on rebuilding. I am so torn. To top it all off, me and a coworker I’ve been friendly with for many years recently became very close and were kissing for a few weeks and wound up sleeping together one night. He just broke it off because I am still married and he has been through a divorce and doesn’t want to be the cause. I have feelings for him that I never had for my husband. I know that is wrong and I need to try and put my feelings for him aside when making decisions, but that is very difficult. I see a lot of advice about trying to find the love again, but what about a situation where I never was in love. I care about him and don’t want to hurt him or my daughter but I don’t think I can ever be happy with him. I feel selfish that I want to find happiness because in order to do that I will hurt people I love.
Karalynne
I’ve been with my husband about 18 years and married for 7. We were talking the other night and he asked if I still love him. I said “I do. I’ll always love you”. Then he asked it I was still in love with him. I paused and said “I don’t know”. I’ve never lied to him in all the years we’ve been together so why start now? I’ve been contemplating divorce for a few years, imagining how great it would be to be living life on my own terms. And now, here it is in front of me and I can’t stop crying and feeling guilt about what HIS life is going to be like now. He can’t work but does have an income. We don’t live together most of the week due to my job and I stay with his family during my work week. We see each other 2 days a week and during my vacations. It’s been like that about 4 years. At the end of my work week I drive 2 1/2 hours to get home and in 2 days, 2 1/2 hours back to go to work. He stays home and while complaining about not having anything to do, he let the house, and himself, go to pot. He’s had bursts of beimg the man I fell in love with but it’s always short lived. I guess that’s why I’ve struggled with this for so long. He’s been faithful, caring and an all around good man. He’s just not the man he used to be. I know people change over time but aren’t they supposed to change for the better? While he still made sure I was taken care of from a caretaker’s point of view, there are so many other things that are lacking in my marriage. I just don’t feel for him or about him how I did when we got married. And now I’m at this severe guilt stage and he can’t understand how I can feel guilty unless there’s something I’m not telling him. I’m not cheating. I never have. I have no intention on it. At this point, I keep telling myself that I’m never going to date again. Ever. I never expected that I would feel like this. I guess I was expecting a feeling of relief of some sort. I’m hoping that one day I can get that relieved feeling because what I’m feeling now sucks!
Spoilerjoe
My wife dropped a divorce bomb on me two months ago. I fully admit to the fact that I spent too much time in the man cave and that we took care of everyone else, foster daughter and children, jobs etc, and neglected taking care of each other. She told me she’s been unhappy for “years” but never said anything. She said she thought she was being a good wife by not nagging. After our foster daughter died she had new found freedom, a new job teaching and new friends, one of which she had an emotional affair with. I didn’t find out for four months and when I told her I knew she was very upset with me. After we played the blame game I’ve come to realize my obvious short comings. Mostly taking her and my family for granted. She says she’s “done”. Now we are separating and all I feel is the guilt for what I’ve done. The anger I felt at first is gone and I would forgive her in a second for reconciliation. She of course feels guilty for initiating divorce and having an affair but will that make her see what we, all of us, will lose? Kids lose parents, spouses lose each other, all lose half of their family and half of there money. Guilt? Small potatoes. Regret, shame, mistrust in everyone from now on, facing the end of your life alone, that’s what awaits.
Scott
I am truly appalled at this blog and the various comments written here. Since when did it become acceptable for someone to divorce their spouse simply because they “fell out of love” or because “my spouse neglected my emotions”. These are absolutely not reasons to divorce. See a counselor – yes. Talk about issues – yes. Communicate in more and better ways – yes. Resolve conflict – yes. Deal with hurt before it gets to anger – yes. I would even say that in some cases, a temporary separation is healthy so that each spouse can allow themselves the space and time needed to take care of themselves and deal with their issues. However, I haven’t read a single post here about someone who is truly in danger in which divorce is necessitated. Are we really living in this “throw-away society” bouncing from one failed relationship to the next? If so, then we are never bettering ourselves. Some of the strongest marriages I’ve ever seen in my life are those that battled through adversity, didn’t quit on each other, and learned proper ways of working through their conflict so that they can lead a happy and healthy life and marriage. If you are not doing this, then the failure of your marriage is on you, not on anyone else.
What really strikes me as odd are the posts where someone says “he’s a good man, he’s a good father, he’s a good husband…” If he is so good, then why do you believe that the problem in your marriage is with him? Why do you believe it is the responsibility of someone else to make you happy? Do you not have self esteem and confidence in yourself to actualize your goals, dreams, and aspirations in life to make yourself happy? Your spouse is not responsible for making you happy. That is your responsibility and yours alone. Unless you learn how to make yourself happy, you will experience one failed relationship after another, because you are expecting the wrong outcome out of a relationship/marriage.
Also, I am very concerned in that in appears that so many of you are just throwing in the towel and giving up on your marriage. However, there are very limited posts here where very specific examples are given describing what you and/or your spouse have done to resolve conflict, how you are communicating with each other, learning to trust each other, face the issues, express your needs, listen to each other, and restore the relationship. The truly nonnegotiable relationship always finds a way to become vital again. Love isn’t lost, it just has to be rekindled – which can be a lot of fun.
Scott
Regarding happiness in your marriage:
Stop putting these expectations on romantic relationships. We’ve gone too far off center from the true nature of romantic relationships. And, because of this, because we don’t understand that a relationship is not meant to fulfill a gap or void or bring us happiness, we have yet to experience the gifts of what romantic love actually offers.
In a relationship, you grow. You’re attracted to someone based on how much they can allow you to grow, to understand parts of yourself you couldn’t understand without them, to experience what it’s like to be vulnerable. And through that vulnerability, you learn more about who you are; you shed layers of yourself that don’t serve you; you heal painful memories, and share and release trauma.
Relationships are about healing, are about a person who you feel so strongly attached to that you can’t help but face the types of growth moments that come up in a fight that rips you apart or during a moment so intimate you see yourself differently. You come up against your own beliefs about love and commitment and vulnerability and resolve and strength.
And a relationship, because of the intensity of feelings, presents to you your most raw and vulnerable emotions. You get down to the heart of yourself. It’s not pretty. It’s not happy. It’s not bright and shiny. It’s not all morning sex and forehead kisses. It’s messy. And it’s painful. And it’s an identity crisis.
And it’s a mirror showing you every part of yourself you’re ashamed of, that you hate about yourself, that you wish you could hide away. It’s nakedness. It’s beautiful. And it’s miserable.
And it’s life. It’s life sped up and put right in front of your face. It’s your reflection and it forces you to choose the parts of yourself you want to keep, the parts you want to change, and the parts you need to discard so you can experience a deeper level of love with this person in front of you.
It’s not sunshine and rainbows and a constant euphoria. It’s not about breaking up because you’re no longer happy. A relationship ends when you’ve each served your purpose to each other, in terms of growth. You part ways when you’re meant to part ways, when there’s nothing more you can learn from each other, when you’ve, quite literally, grown out of each other.
And that’s what love is. Love is higher expressions of yourself. Love is expansion. Love is openness and vulnerability and rawness and nakedness. Love is facing your darkest parts of yourself. Love is being ashamed one day and liberated the next. Love is infrequently pure, unadulterated ecstasy and happiness.
And that’s okay. We’re here for more than just constant bliss. We’re here to, each day, shed layers of ourselves, be better versions of who we used to be, and to be strong and vulnerable, and to grow.
Kj
Scott that’s one of the most awesome posts I’ve ever read. You hit on some things I’ve been learning, such as happiness being something we bring to the relationship, not something we try to squeeze out of it.
Also the part about caring so much for another person that we’re willing to tame our egos and face our blind spots.
And especially the part about relationships being of immense value and yet sometimes we have to move on. Now that I’m older, and second time around, I’m learning so much it’s astounding. Leaving someone, as hard as it is, was sort of like breaking out of a shell that had become too small for both people.
With this new guy, every time I think I’ve learned all I have to learn and almost break up, something tells me that I need to step up my game. And then I realize in a lot of ways I’m not done learning from him, I’m playing catch-up, cuz he’s been learning too. He’s so open, and he says he couldn’t have this level of relationship with a woman when he was younger. It’s truly an amazing thing to meet someone whose ‘love journey’ is so in synch with your own.
Ash
Right! I’ve been debating whether to comment at all. My views on divorce are mixed, but I’ve just been SO impressed by the quality of the men’s reflections and responses. I’m learning a lot about what it means to give unconditional love. Wow. Hopefully one day I’ll be up for the challenge.
Ash
@Scott: This is honestly so beautiful. Wow. I’m taking this with me:
It’s not pretty. It’s not happy. It’s not bright and shiny. It’s not all morning sex and forehead kisses. It’s messy. And it’s painful. And it’s an identity crisis.
And it’s a mirror showing you every part of yourself you’re ashamed of, that you hate about yourself, that you wish you could hide away. It’s nakedness. It’s beautiful. And it’s miserable.
KJA
What a fantastic post and thank you for touching my life today in a truly positive way.
Rachel
This article closely describes my situation. I feel horrible guilt over the fact that I want to leave my husband of four years. Besides his short temper and moderate to heavy drinking he’s chivalrous, a hard worker and would do anything for me.
The truth is, I didn’t even want to get married. I’ve never felt peace about being with him. A couple months before our wedding I got sober and felt that in order to stay sober I could not marry my now husband (we were drinking buddies). I was scared and I didn’t want to let everyone down and call off the wedding after everything was payed for and invitations sent. So I got married. Then I felt like I’d made a horrible mistake and relapsed, falling deeper than ever into addiction. I felt fearful and trapped.
My heavy drinking went on for the first year of our marriage and I was miserable. We drank together and emotionally/verbally abused one another as well as punched holes in furniture and walls. Needless to say it was not a healthy marriage and I knew I finally wanted to change. So for the last time I got sober. That was three years ago. He kept drinking at home and trying to hide it/the bottles from me. We tried some marriage counseling but I wasn’t ready to be completely honest with him or myself about how I felt in the marriage so the counseling dwindled off.
They say not to make any huge decisions in the first year of your sobriety, so I didn’t leave him like I wanted. But here we are three years later and I daily think about leaving him. His drinking has decreased immensely (still daily) but I grew up with a quick tempered alcoholic stepfather and I cant imagine having kids and letting them go through what I went through. He’s good for a couple weeks then the drinking increases again. You know the cycle. I resent him for lying and hiding the booze. I don’t trust him. He was never very supportive with my sobriety, which is the most important thing to me. I feel like I’m in a dark place in this house with him. I
We’ve discussed several times and he doesn’t want a divorce. He said I would break his heart, that he loves me and is in love with me. He said I’d be making a huge mistake….that even if I found another man I would still feel the same discontentment. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I’m scared to leave and I’m scared to stay. I feel like if I stay with him I will cheat on him and I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I want to put in the work to make this work. I just feel done and this makes me feel immensely guilty, because I do care about him. I just can’t keep doing this back and forth thing in my mind. It’s making me sick with worry.
So now I’m looking at apartments and he is trying his very hardest to mend our relationship. It’s very confusing for me and I’m trying to keep my distance because I don’t know what I’m going to do and I don’t want to lead either one of us on. I’m detaching and I feel guilty if I do go out and have any fun with him.
Looking for a therapist now 🙂
Ryan R
It doesn’t take courage to “leave” your marriage. It takes courage to “keep” your marriage.
No soldier ever run a medal for running away and leaving his buddies behind.
But hey, you people keep on lying to yourselves. If you’re buying your own BS that’s all that matters.
John
Hey Ryan,
Your insensitivity reflects your immaturity and ignorance … Congratulations
Karaca
I finally had a divorce that I was pushing for 3 years by saying “let’s live like a family or let’s get divorce. She accepted to sign the papers after getting involved with another man. I am sure the divorce was the best desicion for 3 of us. Since last year I was completely dysfunctional like her. Know, I am sad, I feel pain, shame, anger, disappointment., hopeless and confuesed. My life broke up in many peices.
And she is angry with me posting;
“Wherever and however a woman gives birth, your treatment of her will impact her emotions, her mind, her body and her spirit for the rest of her life.”
And this is the letter I wrote to her but never sent it.
I think your message comes to me but it is not an accurate conclusion! The conclusion should be supported also with the facts not only emotions. Face the bitter reality. I totally experienced it differently and I am not going to bail you out this time.
After the unacceptably shocking threesome turbulence of yours, you came back to me pregnant wishing to get together once again and as a family. I blessed the fatherhood as well as I blessed you thus our family. The very next day you just run away far to your mother’s house. You said you needed space to yearn for your beloved boyfriend. I begged you endlessly to live as partners in order to get ready, plan and start working for a new life, to experience this bliss together as parents and you refused. You said you needed space for pregnancy. We got married as you insisted, left me the next day and you celebrated (!) our marriage with your friends. You wanted to live in my house as a family and as soon as the construction of the house was complete, you said you wanted to live in your house. Close to birth was the only time we have spent (one month) together which I was at your full time service trying to know, comfort and please you. I was all by myself trying hard to be ready for the day. I was in the labour room holding your hand and sharing your tears as our child was born. The next day you started slandering me in every way. I was the last person to be informed when your water broke. While going to the hospital you took the women team with you that I had to fallow you with a taxi cab just as the same way as we get back. You didn’t even bother to tell me about our daughter important health issue. I was clearly not welcomed to your mother’s house so I was staying here and there. I spent 4 weeks with daily visits until you refused clearly to go back to house as we planned and failed to define when. I worked on our house for 2 months, suddenly you came back to Bodrum and said “my house, my rules, fallow them if I wanted to stay”. I didn’t even make a complaint, I strongly stick to my commitment and reach a point that I accomplished all my responsibilities, hoping that you will soon understand and do the same. I try to talk, be clear, take decisions, and set boundaries with you which you refused to respond. All you came up as a reason was the tone of my voice and me abandoning ! you.
I am embarrassed to talk about the time from the nursing period, until we came to a disrespectful end. But what the hell I will any way; we applied for couples therapy which one session you complained about me entering your bed room (privacy) and ended our relationship the next then poor into tears saying “don’t leave me”. We talked about divorce multiple times but you refused or agreed but refused to proceed. Repeatedly you said that you love me, want me, attracted to me, and asked to improve myself. But you couldn’t hold me, kiss me or make love to me. There were always conditions you implied to proceed forward in our relationship. There was some trials but you could never get close enough mostly without even a real reason. You constantly refused to talk about the most important issues. I was only contacted whenever you need support of some kind. I was either useless or the nicest person measured by the amount of meeting your needs. I was pulled back in when needed and pushed away again as soon as you comforted yourself. You constantly fed yourself by hitting me wherever hurts the most and punishing me in all different ways usşng our daughter, emotional and verbal violence up to insulting. You slandered me more behind my back, even to the therapists. You manipulated me and everyone else around you. There was almost no time for my needs, my life, and my rights. The life was all about yourself everything was about you. You looked at my eyes and lied many times about many things without a blink of an eye. You were the victim and drama queen from the first day, became more victimised by my unexplained actions. Every reason that made you feel bad tied to me at the end if not from the start. You also blamed everyone else for your own mistakes. Whatever I did was never enough even though there was nothing in return. You had distrust, insecurity, anxiety, boundary problems, lack of empathy, isolation, mood swings, ups and downs, infidelities, confusion, unclearity, constant controlling behaviour. Your rage or what pissed you of was actually appearing over a thin air. You sabotaged your own family and happiness. You had problems with everyone who were close to you. Years passed by with similarities as above. Just like we started our relation 5 years ago, you finally fell for someone else so you could divorce me and you were well aware of the impact on me. You couldn’t divorce your first even you had awful violence, it probably took you until to fall in love again, you couldn’t end the one before me after all had horribly went on. You kept the last one in your life for years even after getting married with me.
I am far from perfect, I have baggage of my own carried from my past, I know. But I have never treated you unfairly. I acted honourably, respectfully, honestly, openly, generously with love and compassion as a partner and parent until now. I am still doing my best today as you said you wish and need to stay as close to me as possible after the divorce, even though I was totally against of this kind of relationship pattern. I am being quite and calm just to honour the life of my daughter but enough is enough.
Who do you think you are? Have some guts to shout the truth instead of spreading lies around. And for the first time take the responsibility of your actions as well. Speak your mind, the truth, even if it makes your voice trembled. Yes we all do mistakes.
Natasha
I am so confused.
I am not married as such however have been with my partner for 8 years and we have two beautiful children.
Before the children it seemed we were so in love, however we both smoked cannabis so I do wonder if that made it seem as such.
After finding out I was pregnant with my first child I stopped smoking cannabis and haven’t touched it since.
He however continued and it feels like he’s been on a downward route. However in the last four years my eyes have been opened and my children are everything to me. He has cut down the smoking drastically to occasionally but I feel it is still not good enough. He is never at home and I seriously feel like a single parent as he’s always ‘working’ and doing friends favours. Yet he never comes home with much money.
I feel we are not compatable in any way, we are very different people and I have a lot of interests whereas he has none. He loves his children dearly however is not a good father to them, he spoils them and does not set boundaries or take responsibilities for anything. He’s awful with money and constantly moans about everything. He is a boy not a man…
Three weeks ago I had enough after another normal selfish incident of his. I kicked him out and all his belongings.
However three weeks down the line and he still thinks we are going to get back together. I’d love to just be the perfect family, however I am no longer in love with him and his short goings are too much.
I need to tell him we are not getting back together however I feel so guilty and he is playing the victim very well. I am also scared of letting go and the ‘what if’ I ever got feelings back. This is all very scarey. The most confusing time of my life.
Also I would cheat on him this has nothing to do with that.
I feel so lost right now, it is also scarey to think if going it alone with two small children, he’s a 29 year old ‘boy’ so will probably end up getting nasty.
I’m also in the process if moving…
It’s all too much
Natasha
I meant wouldn’t cheat!!
keith
90% of that is utter rubbish and in my opinion written to somehow make you feel better, you honestly believe some wench could cheat on her husband or even just get bored and then call time on a marriage and then somehow she is just as much a victim?? Get a grip, marriage is to work at no matter how difficult, exept very few exeptions!! Broken families and slack women are the downfall to the whole world, i honestly believe if you cheat in a marriage you should go to prison and if you want a divorce without good reason you should have to pay alot to the other half! Might stop alot of people!!
A
Thank you for your thoughts! I’m Contemplating separating from my spouse, divorce is the first thought when I wake up each day and the only thought I have when we are together. We have been together for 4 years and married for almost two. I feel as though the underlying issue is communication, an uphill battle since the beginning of our relationship. We currently don’t communicate, and at this point are both defensive and resentful towards each other. I’ve asked several times for him to consider counseling, some type of couple activity or at the very least attempting communication building activities in the privacy of our home (although I believe it best to now have a neutral/non bias mediator at this point).
When I try to express my feelings, thoughts, opinions with him, he tells me to be quiet, that I am over dramatic, have no right to feel as I do and that I must be on my period. He shuts down, does not actually hear a word that I say and never has he asked a clarifying question. He often gets defensive and upset when I try to express myself and I have recently discovered that he had thought I said entirely different things including hurtful words and phrases that I have never used to communicate with anyone – ever. I try my hardest to always use the “I”messaging and contemplate my word choice for days considering his feelings and reactions the entire time. He always tells me that I don’t know how to communicate, that I’m horrible at it and that it’s my fault, I’ve begged him to help guide me in how to best communicate with him and his response is that as his wife I should just know what he is thinking and feeling. He hates when I speak, tells me he’s not listening and gets frustrated with me when I ask him questions such as how was your day. He also hates being touched or giving physical affection in public or at home unless he is intoxicated or tells me that I may give him a foot rub. I use to force a daily hug and kiss, but after years of forcing this on him and feeling quite rejected when he pushed me away I have stopped. I’ve also stopped forcing conversation, I feel less crazy when I no-longer have my husband tell me to be quiet, I’m annoying him and that I’m to dramatic/ have no right. My health has been on a steady decline since we met, only to improve when we are away from one another. About six months ago I hit an all time low, when I realized how depressed I had become, not wanting to wake up in the morning, almost losing my job and shutting everyone who has been telling me that we my husband and I are not a great fit out of my life (I realize their expression is out of love but i wasn’t ready to hear it). I began searching for a therapist and emotionally separating myself from my husband in attempts to heal myself (he told me I had no right to be depressed yet tried to be supportive in his way). I am in counseling (although my husband looks at me in disgust when he is aware of my appointments) and feel incredibly guilty for emotionally shutting down toward my husband and building quite a wall as a means to save myself and for not being able to make our relationship work. I still love and care for my husband’s well being and have tried to discuss our current state acknowledging that we both care for one another but are not in love (he’s also told me that he is not in love with me but does love me) and maybe are not in a healthy relationship and that separating may be the most loving and respecting action, he had no response – i continuously asked him to help me best communicate in the discussion and that I need a response of some sort, anything as long as it was an honest expression of how he felt or what he thought and he said that he felt nothing, wasn’t happy or sad but that he was not interested in being with anyone else, that I was his wife and that he didn’t have energy to go after anyone else. – not exactly a convincing response, but based on his inability to connect and lack of effort it was what I expected.
Right now I find myself in a place if limbo – contemplating divorce and wondering if I haven’t tried hard enough or maybe I expect too much. My husband is kind, gentle and loving and tries hard in his own way and I respect that and care for him deeply and adore his family. But I know how sad and lonely and exhausted I feel and can’t imagine that he is completely happy/content either. I’ve tried to brainstorm ways to work on our marriage, but he shuts them all down (I don’t believe he does this through lack if caring but in his own uncomfortableness with emotion and expression). I also believe that this is why he often puts down my emotions & thoughts and shows no effort (he is not selective with this behavior) even though it’s unintentional I still find it quite hurtful and toxic. I no-longer see a future together no matter how hard I try, I refuse to bring children into an emotionally toxic environment and we both want to live different lives only he doesn’t believe in divorce and I’m currently working my way through the swamp of guilt and failure – I do have great family, friends and a therapist and understand that his family won’t take my actions as a personal act towards them.
For those commenting on how wrong divorce is, I respect your beliefs and am truly happy that you have found happiness or at the very least a partner who will work with you in your marriage. Divorce is never the desired outcome, but sometimes the necessary one. And it is quite difficult to assess the relationships that are never truly that seemingly awful, just toxic.
JD
Did you ever consider you might feel guilty for a reason? I feel guilty when I do the wrong thing. I cannot magically turn a wrong into a right by “loving myself.” You should feel guilty for making a life-long vow to someone, and then tearing their life apart and basically leaving them for dead for the sake of your own “happiness,” which will likely never come. This post offers absolutely no solution to the problem millions of people are facing today. “Oh, you feel bad for something you did? Learn to avoid thinking about it.” Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just ignorant.
Shocked
Married 8 years, 2 kids, wife told me she has been unhappy for two years. She is now secretive and flips out when I confront her about cheating. Wants to take my kids and move them an hour away to be closed to her Mom. Also, she is hangs out with divorced women, calls me controlling, wants space, wants to see other people and not be questioned. Please give me guidance
Laurie
Boy…finding this site is very weird. Just got a divorce, marriage was over 20 years, three grown children….many many memories good and bad.
But the bad was the definite winner as time went on. THAT is the key
.
Did you ever find yourself crying in the marriage WAY too early?
Did your ex treat you with less respect as soon as you were married?
Did his family expect you to adopt all of their traditions and drop yours?
Did you find out there was a SECRET that if you had known it you would have RAN?
Did you try as hard as you could to make it work just the same?
Obviously these are just some of my former marital problems before I left ( I left out the big one….infidelity ….) but I think you get the picture.
If YOU always tried and the other person always reverted right back to who they really were….then the fact is you were duped. And hurt more than any person should ever be because the marriage was a scam.
Face it, there are people like that out there who have no conscience or feelings that matter about other people….they are called a narcissists. I married one, eventually figured it out and asked for a divorce. Did it hurt? Yes. It did…..because we ALL suffered those long years.
And HE still acts happy and like nothing ever was wrong as if in complete denial. Which he is. Some things will never change.
My advice to myself and others is to be strong and take one day at a time and you will one day realize you are laughing again.
I really do believe that 🙂
Wolf
I am a dumpee, and I agree wholeheartedly with the men here.
The walkaway wife, in my case, acknowledges that I’m a good man, a good father, a good provider. I am not perfect, however, and under the ordinary stresses of our married life – family, career changes, money – she has confessed that she was never that attracted to me – never felt butterflies – and that is no longer attracted to me at all. Our marriage became sexless.
I feel lied to. I feel cheated. About these feelings, I will heal and overcome.
What cannot be overcome is the time lost with my son. My sense of my place in the world as being first and foremost a Family Man.
I am adapting; I have a full life, but nothing can completely fill the empty space in my heart that I feel when he’s not around. I have been robbed. I don’t deserve this.
She feels guilt, and she should. She should feel that guilt till the day she dies, which cannot come soon enough.
tracy2
I’m amazed at the many people who are going through what I am. I have been married for 20+ years. I want a divorce but feel very guilty because he says he finally gets it and is trying. Which now makes me even more angry with him. Why could he have not tried the last 5 years when I was telling him that I was unhappy. Why now when I don’t have anything left but anger and resent.
He verbally and mentally abused me for most of our marriage. He would control everything. Including who I could be friends with. If I was just going to dinner with friends he would start a fight right before I left to insure I did not have a good time. On my sisters birthday I went out with her and some friends. I knew I would be drinking so i arranged to have him drop off or 21 year old son at the club and drive me home. He gets to the club knowing I’m waiting calls and leaves a vmail (cause signal was bad) that was 8 minutes long of him cussing me and dropping thef bomb 47 times. I told him the lady we spoke I was at the table by the door to have our son come inside and I would be waiting. This is the type of things he did all the time. He would embarrass me in public by saying rude things about people. He threatened to call my son’s car that he was buying from him as stolen because he was 2 days late paying him. Mind you or soon lives 25 miles away and would be there that weekend. To top it off I find him messaging an ex about how different things would be right now if she would have told him she loved him back then. They would not be stuck where that are now.
I want the divorce but now I feel guilty because he is trying but for how long. I just don’t feel the same anymore. I had got toa point where I was just numb. I didn’t care about anything birthdays Christmas nothing. Nothing had any real meaning where I used to be the biggest holiday brat ever. It just got to the point it was not worth the arguing about how stupid it was or how much it was.
I started looking at me about 6 months ago and im finding I want to live and be happy but i can’t do that with him. I’m not physically attracted to him anymore and the thought just makes my skin crawl. I don’t know why I feel so guilty. Our kids are grown andall but one had moved on.
Why do I feel guilty?
Dave
Tracy- Here’s why you feel guilty: Because it takes two. Not one, but two. You cannot begin to heal yourself or your marriage until you stop blaming him and begin understanding and taking responsibility for your own negative contributions to your marriage. Ask yourself these questions: When was the last time you acted selfless in your marriage? When was the last time you shared intimate feelings with your husband? When was the last time you told your husband how much he really meant to you? Are you aware of the 5 Love Languages? Do you know what your husband’s primary love language is and when was the last time you communicated to him in that language?
Like I said, you feel guilty because it takes two.
Sylvia80
Your site has been the most useful, I have ever found. Thank you very much for this post. I am a 34 year old woman who filed for divorce a year ago, I feel guilty and i cry every day. I am currently in the middle of the long process of divorce while my husband doesn’t cooperate and he cannot accept divorce. I married when i was 25 and my husband was never interested in having sex with me. (a very low libido). I tried to solve this problem in these 9 years, I loved him and wanted to save my marriage. In these years he never came for counselling willingly and never considered their advices in his life. I started an online affair 3 years after marriage with a man in another country. I used to do cyber sex with him assuming that cannot hurt my marriage because he was thousands of miles away from me. I thought, this secret online relationship may help me to deal with my husband’s problem to avoid divorce. After years, i got used to the guy i was talking to and in the meanwhile i was working on my husband’s problem by visiting therapists. A year ago I decided to get divorced to be with that man. I have no kid and still feel very guilty because he was a very nice, funny and caring man, a good provider for me and he says he loves me and doesn’t accept divorce. I feel the guilt and I know I ruined his life. I cannot move on because of the huge guilt i feel and because of great memories i have with my husband. I need some advice on this situation because I feel very guilty, confused and depressed.
Thomas
I have some advice for you:
If you want more sex, you don’t go outside the marriage for it.
If you want your husband to know how you feel, stop pretending everything is OK and distancing yourself from him.
If your husband talks to you about something that seems important to him, take HIM seriously and DO something about it.
He’ll never read your mind and know exactly how to talk to you, touch you, offer you affection or express his desire for sex to you.
I’d bet you a thousand dollars that your husband doesn’t have low libido. You have killed his libido yourself, most likely. When I suspected my wife was cheating, I couldn’t even get it going.
The problem is a lack of honesty in communication. The problem is the tight-lipped withdrawals from each other that builds resentment and kills the confidence that both of you need to open up and share the next, more authentic and deeper levels of real intimacy. If you’re terrified of that happening, don’t blame Mr. Oblivious. He’s rather preoccupied with the day to day grind, so help out with that and he’ll grow with confidence enough to help you.
For the sake of your kids, and yfor our own future of painful regret and loneliness, stop hiding behind excuses and fears until you start to blame HIM for your own dishonesty.
Too many of us IMAGINE that if we told her this or that, she’d be angry defensive, and stop loving us! That’s our imagination, and our paralyzing fear—it’s not reality and it’s NOT our spouse. We all hide too much out of insecurity, or shame, or pride until the love we are is inaccessible to us when we need it’s power to reconnect and heal the fractures in our relationship. The love is still there, but if you’ve gone and transferred your heart’s desire to somebody else, or withdrawn your love completely, it’s too late. Lying is abuse! Leaving the marriage for any reason except abuse is pointless–unless you’ve emotionally abused your husband by lying and cheating.
Had you been up front about your needs, and more communicative about your concerns, and more responsive when he musters the courage to finally open his mouth to do the same, your love would have a chance. Cheating kills everything, and it’s more painful to deal with than if you had died. We love and marry when we trust someone enough to always be honest with them. The act of disclosing our vulnerabilities and personal emotions, secret desires, and fears actually creates a feeling of love in us. It’s a risky and thrilling thing to reveal ourselves to someone new–or to reveal something new to someone familiar! Why not risk the thrilling self-reveal with the person we love instead of cowardly using the marriage for your fallback plan just in case the other cheater gets cold feet? That’s not fair. If you really DO need a divorce, you better not cheat, because your husband is going to be too damaged by you to be as good as a father, provider, and co-parent/partner for a very long time. You will wish you had a trusting friend in him to cooperate with you when you will most need his understanding and support, AFTER you leave him. The truth of the matter is that It’s almost certain that you’ll turn every relationship into the same one you have with him anyway because we all bring all our bad habits and fears along with us to the next relationship.
Cheating is basically telling your spouse that you and your words are worthless, telling your cheating lover that you are a cheap, low-life liar and a slut–which turns him on but won’t get you a ring. And worst of all, telling yourself and your lover that you are a weak and helpless, victim or refugee from a bad marriage, who can’t muster enough self-respect not to willingly KILL the very trust that provides emotional health to their husband and their children. It also destroys your relationships with all his relatives and half of yours, and same with all your mutual friends that won’t feel very comfortable around either of you ever again. It’s a nightmare that causes YOU and everyone around you to suffer whether you feel guilty or not. It’s reality.
I have forgiven my wife, and tried my best to repair our love and trust–for four months. She let me grovel and slave away to earn back her respect and affection, but I only made things worse. She didn’t leave, but insisted that she couldn’t love me again in the way she loves that married guy (who went back to his wife after the affair.)
We had to separate a week or so ago, because both of us are still so messed up from her idiotic affairs; we can’t keep from rehashing all the same old arguments when we ought to be asleep or spending time with the kids, or taking care of ourselves properly. Hopefully, one day we will heal enough to get some decent perspective. You can’t make someone love you, because love is their choice, not yours. Love yourself first, and you’ll see no reason to cheat in the first place. Make careful choices before you toss away your children’s reality for a cheap, immature fantasy of lust and make believe love. You really think you can trust the love of another cheater? They cheat with you because you’re irresistably forbidden fruit, naughty, lusty, shallow, vacuous, selfish, and immature, and that’s not really the kind of person you trust and marry. They know you’re married and therefore they get your body without having to honor your whole life the way your husband has been trying but failing to do. How do you honor your husband? If you think it’s his job to give give give to you so you can feel loved, there’s nothing he can do to make you feel love for him.
Sylvia80
Dear Thomas, thanks for your invaluable comments. You are right in general. However, many parts are not about my situation. 1st)I dont have any kids because we never had a proper sex, not even once, still doctors say he is physically healthy,second) I used to talk to him about my expectations and needs very frequently, and he was the one who was always quiet, used to listen to me, and always admitted that i was right but never made any attempt to fix it. 3rd) My relationship with the other guy was only on the internet. It is one year we are separated and i visited the other guy for the first time after i filed for divorce. I know even before cheating, i never was perfect for him as a wife. And i agree that i might have affected his sexual desire. You r right on that, but we could fix it if he had participated in counselling processes more actively. Now that i have filed for divorce, he says that everything has changed and he asks me to go with him for counselling, while he had 9 years to do that. Still, i feel guilty, for the online relationship i had for 6 years outside the marriage and also for leaving him while he needs me. I am unsure if he even knows about that relationship. I was never brave enough to tell him about it and he never mentioned that. My family and friends say that i should have filed for divorce many years ago. Thank you again for your comments.
Doug
I cringe when I read a post of one person telling another they are a bad person for something they have done. Says who? Who gives anyone the right to judge another human, good people are capable of doing bad things they regret and feel guilt for, doesn’t mean they are bad people, emotionally flawed maybe, bad? Who’s to say. I was married for 25 years in a passionless marriage, every few months is bring it up try to talk about it, I’d beg, plead, ask how I could help I was willing to do anything, it would always end with her saying we are just two different people and you have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t!! I loved her, provided for her for 27 years, she never worked, had two children, just for her saying that I wanted to leave, when it came down to it I couldn’t leave my kids. Then guess what happened, I met someone, it felt good, incredible, was I wrong? Yes. But when your in that situation, dead inside, trying to be the good husband and father and you meet that person you don’t stop and think wait, I need to file for divorce first! You justify it in your mind by thinking of all the ways you’ve tried to fix your marriage and the walls you hit. The self entitlement of a spouse, it’s not black and white like the do gooders like to think.
I do not condone cheating, or think it’s something to brag about, but I don’t condone judging people as bad or saying divorce is wrong. You do what you feel is right for you but must face the consequences, many times it’s remorse and guilt. It’s tormenting enough without judgment from others.
Charissa
GREAT BLOG! reading this post and the comments gave me a great insight. but i still feel lost. Can you please give me advise?
Me and my husband got married very young, i was almost 16 and he was 19, i left school and got pregnant at 17, i’m 20 now. lately i feel very depressed and lonely like i can’t breath, i try to speak to my husband about it but then i shut down and lie about why i’m down, i just give him some lame excuse and he leaves it, i lie because i know he won’t understand or completely freak out. My feelings towards him changed the past year, i see him as a friend and every time he wants to have sexual interactions i cringe but do it anyway (not all the time) which leaves me feeling helpless. I feel stuck, i’m a working mother and he works too, our beautiful daughter is now 3, and not for one moment do i regret having her, but i can’t see my future with my husband, every time i think about me and my daughters future i secretly find myself wishing he’s not in it. He is great, he loves us like his life depends on it, but every time he thinks there is something wrong with our marriage he starts blaming himself and it takes hours to talk him down.And that makes me look at him as a wuss. I know the problem lies with me, but how do i fix it? how do i start loving my husband again? I don’t have the b*lls to actually leave him but i do NOT want my daughter to grow up with a depressed mother and unhappy marriage.I know i should just grow a pair but the battle leaves me feeling weak. And i also feel like i missed out on a lot of my life, i never had a childhood, which was my parents fault, but then i married young and that was my own fault. I’m smothering. What should i do???
Ashley
Please help me. I’m sooo lost. It hurts so bad everyday. My husband and I got married when I was 22. We had a wonderful first year together and it when south from there. We lost the intimacy quickly. The spark. We fight a lot. We don’t talk a lot. We started counseling even the first year of our marriage. We had a lot of major issues in out relationship stemming from family. His family hates me. I even got text messages saying my husband is “f’d” for being with me. I cried everyday for about a year. His whole family disowned him. I feel that it’s all because of me. I tried to fix things and do everything in my power to be accepted and never was. My husband still doesn’t talk about it. We started more counseling. It never fixed things. I tried putting forth more effort and trying and it was the same fight every single week. Now we are at 7 years of marriage later. My mom is very very controlling over me. Picked out my wedding dress, furniture, tells me I can’t be friends with people and is very hurtful if I disagree. My dad died when I was 17 and I found my mom after she tried committing suicide. I never want to disappoint my mom. So I do everything I’m told to keep her happy. I developed bad anxiety, depression. Now I’m being treated for bi-polar. I finally started feeling better and wanted a change in my life. I separated from my husband. I feel like I’ve been a shell of a person living the life I have. As terrible as it sounds I started seeing someone else. Whom I’ve built a relationship with. No one knows about it. He makes me feel happy and youthful again. I told my mom about the separation. She told me I’m sick and I’m on drugs and I need to be locked up. My sister said I’m sick as well and she could understand why he would want one. But not me. They tell me I will never find anyone else, because people are more beautiful and smarted then me and they are single. I know I care about my husband. He’s been there through a lot. Now I lost my family. I feel super alone. I don’t have anyone. I know I’ve made mistakes. But I don’t even know what to do or what I’m doing. I really need help
Jaime
Charissa: I married 4 months after my 16th birthday my oldest daughter was born the next day. By 20 yrs old I had three kids. Never for a single moment have I regretted my kids! They are my life! In my case he was bipolar and Extremely physically abusive. After 4 1/2 years we divorced. Funny part is he left me, because ” he couldn’t stand how he had made me turn into” I was unhappy. Overweight and didn’t know how to be just Jaime because I became part of a marriage so young. I didn’t know who I was because in those important years when I was supposed to be figuring ” me” out like most teens get too. Instead I had a husband and baby’s. It took a few years but now I am happy I have learned who I am and have grown. My oldest is 16 now my youngest is 10. I never partied or anything that most teens do but that’s ok 🙂 when my kids are grown I will sew my wild oats so to speak. I can’t tell you a secret to make you love your spouse again But what I can say is that since it does not sound like an abusive or neglectful relationship but you are saying you feel you missed out maybe the issue lies with you. As in you were married so young you didn’t have a chance to know who you are/ were your identity relies on him in a sense and for me that cause resentment. Maybe you are reflecting your u happiness onto him?. I suggest counseling. Doing a weekly activity or class by yourself. Find your interests presue them. 🙂