Below is an email from a reader who explained that she is going through a divorce, and that the divorce was HER decision. She asked me if I could give her some advice for when a woman decides to leave. In other words, how does one deal with the immense guilt of leaving your husband, when he didn’t want the divorce? (or didn’t know it was coming.)
“It would be so much easier if I could stamp him as a cheater, alcoholic, slacker, loser, abuser. But I can’t! He has been a good father to our children, a loyal husband as far as I know, and a good provider for our family. I am in therapy for all the feelings including guilt. The fact is, this has hurt him and ripped his heart out (those were his words).”
I have a few thoughts for when a woman decides to leave:
First, the fact that she has been so honest about this whole thing, admitted what’s really going on, taken responsibility for what she’s done, and is seeking a therapist’s help puts her so far ahead of the game when it comes to healing.
In lots of cases like this, I see both men and women who take the guilt they have about leaving their spouse, and spin it. What I mean is, they somehow start to blame the other person, and then become angry at the other person, and then they turn into a nightmare for that person by being cruel and vicious. What they are really doing is taking the hatred they feel for themselves and putting it on the other person to try to alleviate their own guilt.
When a woman decides to leave, here are some common feelings she might have:
GUILT
It’s an awful feeling to live with, and in my opinion, such a waste of energy and time! Guilt serves no productive purpose, so just stop it right now. Even if a person’s husband/wife has some serious flaws and there’s an obvious deal breaker such as abuse, cheating, drinking…whatever it was, people who decide to leave feel incredibly guilty for a long time–because of the kids, or just feeling like they are abandoning this person. If this is you, please re-evaluate what guilt is doing for you. I’m sure it’s nothing good.
Guilt can also make you settle financially in your divorce in a way you wouldn’t have settled had it been the other way around. You might accept less child support, give him the house, do whatever it takes monetarily to appease your guilt. And it won’t work. You’ll still feel guilty.
Guilt can also make you hate yourself, which is so totally unhealthy. Please get help if you feel guilty and it isn’t going away. You have to find a way to get rid of the guilt and regain self-love. Otherwise, you will never be able to move on.
FEAR
When a woman decides to leave, fear might set in. “Will I be OK financially? Will I have to sell the house? Will my kids be OK? Will I be alone forever?” Fear is normal, and everyone fears change. That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing the right thing. I bet if you asked anyone who has ever made a huge life decision if they were scared, 100% would say fuck yes!! Fear is normal, but try to turn it into a positive, meaning fear can drive you to hard work, good decisions and success.
FEELING LIKE YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAD
Just because it was YOUR decision to leave, that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting just as much as he is. Some people feel like maybe because they initiated the divorce that they don’t have the right to feel hurt, like they’re not allowed to miss him, or to grieve or cry or be upset. Maybe they feel like if they express sadness to someone, the person will say, “Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
Listen to me. You have every right to mourn your marriage if you are the one who decides to leave. It’s healthy to feel and process those emotions.
SHAME
Some people who leave might feel like they are doing something wrong, like others are judging them. I say if they are, that’s their issue. There is no shame in leaving a situation you feel is toxic and there certainly is no shame in trying to have a happier life. Every divorce situation is unique, and no one knows what the person is going through behind closed doors. I personally think if a woman decides to leave, there must have been a pretty good reason because no one wants to get divorced. It’s a last resort.
DOUBT
“Am I doing the right thing? What if I regret this later and try to get back together with him and he’s already met someone? What if I can’t make it on my own? What if the kids end up screwed up because of me? Am I being selfish? Can I make this work?” Sound familiar? This is your non-productive guilt playing into things.
I am going to say this about doubt. Currently, I am madly in love with my spouse. I would never in a million years break up with him unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing. Get the picture? If you were truly happy, divorce would not enter your mind. Ever.
Have confidence in your decision. The best thing I can recommend for doubt is to get a piece of paper and write down all the reasons the marriage isn’t working. Don’t show it to anyone, just keep writing and look at the paper every time you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. Include things like, “The night he did this…” “The time he told me…” “How I felt the night after so and so’s wedding…” Be specific.
Now onto the positives you might want to think about if you are the one leaving:
1. Your kids will be better off with two divorced parents who get along, then a household with no love, lots of fighting and coldness. They could grow up mimicking what you and your ex have in your relationship. They could think that is right. Or, they could see each of you in good, healthy, happy romantic relationships with other people. And, they could grow up mimicking that!
2. Leaving someone takes guts. Be proud that you are doing what’s right for your children and yourself, and that you left and didn’t take the easy way out by staying, maybe because he has money, or because it was comfortable.
3. Ask yourself this. Does your husband really deserve to be with a woman who doesn’t love him anymore? Doesn’t he deserve better? Your leaving him opens the door for him to possibly find love with a woman who appreciates him and wants him. And, I bet down the road, he will realize you did a good thing for everyone.
4. People always say “live in the present,” and although I am a huge fan of that, there is one instance where living in the future might benefit you: during a divorce. Living in the present during a divorce is stressful, but if you focus on your goals, and the life you are trying to create for after the divorce, the divorce might seem more manageable. Think about why you are doing all of this. If you stay, you know what to expect in the future. If you leave, it’s scary, but if you know whatever happens it will be better than what you have now, then you are doing the right thing.
I have a good friend whose husband blindsided her, and left her for another woman who he married two minutes after the divorce was final. I have said to her often, “Sometimes I feel like you are lucky because you didn’t have a say in this.” Sometimes it’s easier to be the one who was left versus the one who left. When something happens to you, you have no control. So, there’s no guilt.
In closing, divorce is very painful for both people, regardless of who left who. There’s really no way around that. But in the end, what ends up happening is, who left who doesn’t seem to matter much anymore, and both people go onto their own paths in life. What matters the most is how well the parents co-parent because that will have an effect on how the kids’ lives turn out.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship
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BadesBades
I need this so much today.
Currently trying to work up the courage to end it with a man who has “done nothing wrong”. He’s wonderful but I was so young when we met and I want to be alone. I have completely changed as a person. We have no kids but we do own a home together. Together 12 years. Any advice, please. xx
Diana S
Is it too late to comment here??
Erin
We’re not the only one looking for this topic. Comment!
george
Bades- You ask for advise. Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. My advise to you is to re-read some of the posts above from men that are in your husband’s shoes. You say that your husband has “done nothing wrong” and that he is “wonderful”. If that is true, then why in the world do you want to end it with him? You have no idea how lucky you are to be with someone that is, in your very own words, “wonderful” and that has “done nothing wrong.” My oh my, how many women would love to be with a man like that!
From the information that you have provided, we can only conclude that you want to end your marriage for selfish reasons. After all, your husband has “done nothing wrong”. So, what exactly is your reason? All that you say is that you “want to be alone” and that you “have completely changed as a person”. Tell me more. What exactly has changed within you and why do you want to be alone? It obviously has absolutely nothing to do with your husband, because again, he has “done nothing wrong” and he is wonderful”.
You may think that I’m a jerk by using your own words against you. Maybe I am. But there is another side here. It’s to get you to think, and I mean really focus inward at yourself. You don’t just get to log into a blog and tell the world that you want to leave your husband and then not provide any details as to why you want to leave or what problems the two of you are having or what the two of you are doing to resolve your problems. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and too often people want to walk away thinking that is the only answer. Let me ask you this…….what is it that you hope to gain by leaving your husband? Is being alone going to solve your problems? Does running away from your problems solve your problems? Does your husband even know that you are unhappy right now? Do you know why you are unhappy? What does happiness look like to you? If you could have that happiness, but be able to share it with your husband, would you do it?
My advise to you is simple. Work on yourself. It’s not your marriage that is the problem. It never has been. You are confused and are thinking that your unhappiness is a function of your marriage. However, it is not. Happiness is a feeling that comes from within. It is not external. Once you work on yourself and understand what makes you tick and happy, then you will transfer that happiness to your marriage.
I said it before and I’ll say it again. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
Lisa f
George, I’ll answer your questions. My husband is into porn, hasn’t wanted sex with me for years, hasn’t had sex with me for 7 years, and hasn’t been there for me for medical issues to support me…like cervical cancer and now possible breast cancer. I rely on friends to drive me to the hospital for procedures/surgery and to take care of me and our children at home while he reads in his chair or works in his garden or plays with his fish tanks or rides his motorcycles. He’s forgotten in sickness and health. Forgive me for wanting to be alone, he’s an ok guy for someone who only thinks about himself. Better friend than partner.
Juli
George sounds like he may be speaking from a place of personal anger and masculine frustration. You owe no explanation to anyone for wanting to leave. No one comes to the decision to divorce lightly. Often women have a reaction that has been imposed upon them for generations by a patriarchal society. “How dare you not want to be treated like garbage, you’re a wife. That’s your duty.”
No one would question a man for leaving for the same reasons you’re stating.
Remove your blinders and remember your have just as much right to be loved and treated with respect as anyone else.
ArchK
I don’t think BadesBades and LisaF are the same person. Being so into porn that you ignore your wife is definitely “something wrong”. And not supporting your wife through severe illness is even worse.
So, advice to Bades is: Marriage is a commitment and a promise. You don’t get to end it just because your feelings change.
Love is a CHOICE! Not a FEELING! Marriage is about commitment and keeps no our word, not about our emotions.
LisaF:
In a sense he’s cheating on you. And not supporting you through such severe illness? Well, that was definitely NOT making the choice to love. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
LisaF has moral grounds for divorce. Bades does not.
Summerstorms
Good women get left because the man needed to get out of there, too, George. It happens. You could be right in some situations. But not all.
Omg
I like how George was all mouth until he got his precious details. “You don’t get to log into a blog …”
From what I can see, this blog is public, so yes, she does in fact “get to” log into the blog and provide whatever details she feels comfortable with. You don’t get to tell strangers what they “get to” do. End of.
Her husband is a porn addict. That’s a deal breaker imo. Her decision to divorce in light of that provided detail? 100% JUSTIFIED
But does she need justification? If a person wants a divorce for any reason, it’s automatically justified. A person does not only themselves but their spouse a great disservice by staying married to someone they don’t want to be married to anymore.
I mean really, would George want a woman to stay married to him if she didn’t want to be? Obviously porn addiction does not equate to “a wonderful man who has done nothing wrong”, but that doesn’t matter. Does someone have to do something wrong in order for a divorce to be warranted? The reason for the divorce is irrelevant because not wanting to be married to someone anymore is reason enough. That’s why we have “no fault” laws.
Chump
My wife of 17 years left, but not before saying that she “wanted to be alone/single” and “had changed as a person”. Turns out she was having an affair.
Chumped 2
Yep, Exact same words delivered to me. She had been having an affair for several years before she she monkey-branched.
Sarah
Thank you. I needed this. This is exactly what I have been thinking and feeling. And my husband is Not making it easy for me to go through with this.
Since we got married, I’ve felt less and less for my husband. We argue about everything. I just dont LOVE him “that way”…and I’ve tried researching “I hate my husband” and all sorts of things, thought that what I’m feeling (not feeling) is “normal”… thought I’d just make it work because he IS a good husband, he does EVERYTHING for me, I don’t have to go to work, just keep the house clean and cook him meals… Wow, I really have the life right?
But theres no Love. Not from my side. I like/love him as a friend; it’s nice to have someone around to take care of things; it’s nice not to be alone. But I don’t love him.
And I finally realized that, when I fell in love, deeply in love, with someone else.
This is someone I probably will never meet. Probably never be with. But every word he says makes me feel so loved.. Each word stirs my heart in a way I never thought possible. That fairy tale love? It does exist. And I should have waited for it. Because it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
And STILL I hung on to my husband, because, “what am I gonna do” without him… how will I support myself… he didn’t really do anything Wrong to make me leave…
And it wasn’t until he got jealous of me Talking with this other guy, that I couldn’t take it. If I couldn’t have this feeling while being with my husband, I would leave him, because this feeling, this true love, is the greatest thing.
And on top of that, it wasn’t fair to my husband. That’s the only way I can justify it. My husband has asked many times for things… for me to massage him for example… probably would like me to kiss him more… but I don’t Want to. He should be with someone who Does want to. Someone who adores him and wants to touch and hug him all the time. Not me. Not someone who thinks of him just as a friend… Someone I’m 100% comfortable with, yet I just don’t Love in that way. I love in a different way. I love him for what he does for me. I love that I can trust him, to be faithful always. I love that he loves me. But I don’t want to be married to him.
He’s a good man and a good person, but he isn’t good for me. I wish I could help him understand that. And I hope I’m doing the right thing.
roma
i feel exactly the way u feel.can we be friends? email me please..Naannelle@gmail.com
BJ
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through too. This is the first article that I have found that even touches my feelings/situation. I believe we are going to seek counseling but deep down I don’t see it working. I guess we’ll see.
Brandon
I am currently going thru my wife wanting to leave me for similar reasons. What i have to ask u ladies is y in the world like in my case. Marry me have 3 kids and buy our second house together after being together for 8 years. Then decide u dont want to be apart of it or try to work on anything. Wouldnt that make the last 8 years pointless. Y put someone thru that to begin with then
T
It’s not that she doesn’t want any if this’d things with her man. But that it’s just bc we don’t feel loved any more. She has probably tried to reach out to you and you have ignored her and all these red signs. Which made her lose respect for you. Most women are great women to their husband if treated right. We’ll honestly almost do anything for him
Super Dave
Brandon,
Yes what a waste of time. Life is sooo short. Pufff, and your life is over. Here today, gone tomorrow. And within such a short time, to be united in not-so-loving relationship is depressing. Ideally, we want our life to be in a relationship where burning passion for one another brings two loves together. IMO, women sometimes don’t know what they want….
Jackie Pilossoph
I love this comment. thank you.
Elizabeth
The woman who wants to leave is not evil. It is just that this marriage, this relationship is not feeding her soul what she needs.
She must first be sustainable on her own without needing to pull on the energies of someone else before she can enter a relationship and make a meaningful contribution.
I know what it is to be afraid to be alone but that is no good reason to trap someone who may well have the chance of a beautiful love partnership with someone else.
I must face my fears and experience this aloneness I dread so much.
Tiffany
I just found this article and rejoiced when I saw your reply.I too am in a marriage and my soul isn’t being fed. Your exact words sums up exactly what is going on. Finally, someone gets it. Thank you!!!
Chumped 2
Lame and foolishness. Confused and mental. Sticking through thick and thin is the crux of marriage. The average American woman has no concept of this or of nearly any commitment for that matter. I’ll never marry again because of this non-sense.
Jim Smith
This is craziness. Did the marriage vows say that you are to feed each other’s soul as you need? How is a guy to figure that one out?
Chumped 3
Agreed Chumped 2. I will never marry another woman because of this fact. Marriage has no meaning anymore. As soon as they “feel unhappy” and allow themselves to fall in love with someone else.. they can just bail. While the entire problem was them being unhappy, staying silent about it, then allowing themselves to fall into an affair. But it’s always the man’s fault.. he didn’t do enough right?
Pinkred
Going through the same thing. Have you been able to resolve something?
Nell0987
I have also just left my husband because of exactly the same thing. Speaking to anyone going through or been through this also would be amazing.
Kimberly Brown
I left my husband 1/1/17 (technically we live together still) but I told him that we would be better co-parents than husband and wife. He doesnt like it but I have to move on with my life. I need a friend who understands! I’ve already printed and ready to file my papers. I will do so next week.
Lisa Saralee
Hello, can we please talk? Going through the same thing as you have described here. Have no one to talk to who are in similar situation. Would be grateful for a chat.
megan
What kind of troubles are you having? Are you guys married?
Niknak33
I am in the same position … I have the worlds best husband and I should be so grateful – I have an enourmous amount of guilt weighing on me every day for almost 2 years now. It’s my own fault though. My husband and I have been together for 10 years but married for 2. He used to be my everything. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I saw this coming, I would have said no way. Our sex life has been off for over 7 years but it never really bothered me. I was so content with how much he adored me and loved me that I figured sex didn’t matter. I love him with all of my heart but I can’t stand the thought of having any type of sexual relations with him ever again. It’s actually been almost 2 years since we’ve had sex. It’s really sad because I know that he can feel me pulling away. He’s says “you never want me to hold you, or cuddle”, and hearing that breaks my heart. He’s too good of a person and deserves so much better than me. He would seriously give his life for me. But I feel like he’s my brother and I don’t know how to fix things. And none of this came about until I started a new job and met a man that gave me tingles and chills just by looking at him. That was it – everything had changed. I was so confused because for years I had never even been attracted to another guy and all of a sudden I meet my co-worker and can’t take my mind off of him. He was so charming and flirty and made me feel so pretty and good and gave me butterflies. It started with flirty texting and then of course led to more. So what do I do, I had an affair. Worst part is that I really enjoyed it. The sex was amazing, he was funny and caring and I was falling in love. Yep, falling in love right after getting married to my best friend. I’m a horrible horrible person. My husband deserves so much better than me. I once was a good person, but I no longer am. What I’ve done is terrible. The affair lasted for over a year, then he decided he couldn’t do it anymore because he too was married. Him and I still talk and see each other occasionally so I guess the affair is back on, just not like it was before. My husband has no idea and I would never want him to find out. He’d be crushed. We are still together and I am still unhappy and I have no idea what to do. Of course I think about how easy it would be if he would just cheat on me or hurt me in some type of way so I have a way out, but he loves me too much and would never do that or anything to hurt me. Why can’t I just be grateful and happy with who I have?! What is wrong with me?!
Han
Wow this is exactly where I’m at right now… I seriously don’t know what’s right at this point in life.
Vee
Oh my goodness! Sounds exactly like me! Only I broke it off when he found out (this was 4 years into our marriage) and we have now been married for 26 years! But I’m still unhappy. Still missing something really important. And he refuses to try to communicate with me 🙁 I am ready to give up now. I want that feeling back. How are you doing now? What are you planning to do? I feel for you..
bev derbyshire-collins
I have a similar situation . I have been wanted to start a new life. I support both of us. He communicates by yelling . We are like weeds and furniture. Absolutely nothing in common. No common core beliefs or values . I should never have decided on marriage . It happened way to quick before I could see the whole picture.
We have been together almost 13 years and i am somewhere in between being terrified and very frightened to bring up the subject matter. I am afraid of his reaction which I know will be anger and hatred. I am also afraid he will hurt our pet. But yet still, I don’t want to hurt him .
To make matters worse, I have no nearby family to support me. I have a daughter in the Midwest and a son with his own children and personal problems,
He has a huge nearby family to support him. We have no kids of our own . Thanks for reading this and future comments. Suggestions on what to say to bring up the discussion of divorce w ill be appreciated.
Patti
niknak33, can we please exchange emails in the most non-creepy way. my husband and i are going through a divorce because of a similar situation and i just feel so confused and alone. I’ve lost so many friends & family through the process. I’d deeply appreciate your advice. Please. Thank you so much.
Gigi
Hello, my situation is quite similar to niknak33.
with the exception that shortly after I started my affair, I finally found the courage to leave for good. I left in Nov 2018. It was the hardest and worst experiences of my life at the time…and if there is anyone on here that is going through something and would like to chat…I’d like to be here for you, like others were for me.
Chumped 2
All of this happened after I met this other man and….
Chumped 3
Yep.. Do you see the common theme with all of these comments? “I just don’t understand why i don’t love him anymore.. There’s this guy at work that gives me butterflies in my chest and I just want to love my husband but can’t!”
Eric
Did you leave your husband?
What you are describing sounds just like the way that I think that my wife has felt but could never tell me. We are in the middle of a divorce now and we both are with someone new. It is not what I want. I love here more than she has ever know. We have three boys that is our world. I have tried over and over to share the way I feel about her and still try. I was not the perfect husband. I was way more stubborn and Naïve to things than I should’ve been. I allowed my stress to overwhelm our love for one another. I miss her. And I love still through ever hard ship that we have gone through. I do not believe that true love comes easy. The greatest gifts in life come from making it through the hards of times and trails. I believe in a love that most of this world doesn’t think Exist anymore. Knowing that your partner will be there beside you through the most difficult times of your life is truly knowing that you are with someone who truly loves you. Knowing that your partner will be there beside you through the most difficult times of your life is truly knowing that you are with someone who truly loves you
Bill
I’m just a simple numbers guy. You see, statistics are my thing. I find that we can learn and comprehend the complexities of the world around us by simply evaluating the data. Facts, not opinions or emotions or desires, are what we rely on to gain a better understanding of human behavior, and ultimately our own lives.
Fact – As we have heard our entire lives, close to 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Yes, this figure includes first marriages, second marriages, third marriages, etc. Fact – Nearly 70% of all of those divorces are initiated by the woman. Fact – And of all of those women who initiated the divorce, more than half stated that their reason for wanting the divorce is because they were “unhappy” or that the marriage had become “stale and boring”. These women reported that their husband was a good man/father and that he hadn’t really done anything wrong; the women just “fell out of love” with their husband over time.
If you don’t believe there is any truth or merit to these facts/figures, you can do your own research to learn for yourself. Alternatively, all you have to do is read the posts on this website. There is approximately 3 years worth of public input in this comment section. That’s a lot of data to work with, and it clearly illustrates that the statistics are not wrong. But, number crunching doesn’t solve our problems does it? No, it doesn’t. And neither does divorcing a man for being a good husband and father.
Heather
You are looking at this WAY too black and white. My husband is a fairly good husband and a pretty good dad. He doesn’t cheat, insult or beat me. HOWEVER, he is not nearly as driven as I am. It seems silly that out of all the good things he does that this one thing would make me want to leave him, but it does. You cannot fault women because husbands get lazy and forget the romance. We’ve babied men for too long. They think that they have to put in a good amount of work to catch the women of their dreams, but then all that work ends once life really begins. That’s false. I’m unhappy and it’s not because my husband is a bad guy. It’s because he’s not what I need. Don’t shame women because we aren’t willing to settle any longer.
Jackie Pilossoph
I could not agree with you more!
Kelly
This is EXACTLY how I feel. He resents my ambition and wants to lead a “simple” life which is fine! For some. For others, it’s like dying inside. I’ve told him for a long time that I’m complex, and enigmatic, and driven and while these are my favorite qualities about myself I know it makes me hard to live with. He needs a simpleton and I don’t say that in a derogatory way at all. We are very mismatched. Have been for 13 years. I’m planning to ask for a separation next week. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone!
C.Davis
I think we’re the same person! Could we chat? Did you ask for a separation?
Kelly
Did you get a reply from Kelly or could we talk?
I am Kelly, to…posted under the other Kelly’s post.
Kelly
Hi Kelly. I am Kelly, too and going through the same thing right now. We are very different. I am the primary breadwinner (only breadwinner) and he thinks that doing chamber events and United Way events are self serving. If you are available, please contact me.
Gigi
You are not alone! And never feel shamed to getting the courage to change your life for the better. People who try to shame you into staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy are afraid that they aren’t doing enough to keep their spouses content, and therefore pass on their insecurities to others. Do what you think is right for you.
Chumped 2
Truth is our society has changed. Men have more challenges to getting and keeping the positions, status, financial benefits more readily available to women now. This has been artificially created through Grant programs, and Affirmative Action programs in hiring. Thank you feminism. If I had a dollar for every women I know of that is a “Director” and or makes more money than the man, I’d be rich. Women are not wired to adore men when they can’t bring home the bacon better than themselves. Doesn’t matter of their man helped them along the way to the top or not. Nothing gets in the way of “Girl Power”.
Chumped 2
Maybe everyone taking charge of their own happiness is the best thing. However, that was forfeited most likely during a VOW. Grow and work through problems like any responsible adult.
Gina Schmitz
Those statistics dont show all the reasons why women divorce or Go into detail and explain how their marriage became stale and boring, or why they were unhappy, or fell out of love. If their husbands stopped showing affection towards their wives but showed it to their female coworkers (without being flirtatious or cheating) would it be justified? Or showed more warmth, humor and loyalty to friends, men and women, than their wife is it justified then? If the wife is the sole income provider and is still expected to do all the housework (and doesn’t complain) but is never appreciated for it, is it justified then? People gradually change over time. It doesn’t make them monsters. They can still be good parents, providers, etc. but for whatever reason the relationship no longer works. You make it sound as if women simply throw in the towel and say, “okay, I’m done.” As the author said, it is an agonizing decision. Even if the subject may come up during an argument, nobody walks into an attorney’s office the next morning ready to file. Women spend a lot of time thinking before they follow through with divorce. Here’s a fact Bill- emotions and desires is exactly what we need to get a better understanding of especially when it comes to your spouse and your relationship. Because ultimately, that will better our lives.
Jackie Pilossoph
Wow, well said!
M
Thank you thank you thank you
Tami
My husband is a man who saved me from the last husband who beat me, wouldn’t work, sniffed cocaine and had sex with both women and men. My current husband worked and actually had some business about himself. We dated many years, and while still married but separated from the first husband, we got pregnant with a little girl. I ended up completely divorcing my first husband and eventually married my current husband. After sometime, my current husband stopped working, chain smoked marijuana and was bitter and mean most of the time. I loved him, wanted him and felt indebted to him, so I stayed with him. I had 4 children with him and 3 prior to him. I wnt out and got a job, I also started doing taxes on the side for extra money since he wasn’t working. He didn’t cook, clean, get the kids ready for school, and I did. I worked, cleaned when I got home daily, helped with homework as I could, cooked dinner that I had to buy in my own for quite a few years. I cried a lot, complained, and it seemed I got on his nerve because I was now overwhelmed. After about 3 years of this activity, when I was pregnant with our last child who was a boy, my husband started helping out. He made beds and picked up lightly so I wouldn’t have so much to complain about when I got off work. Our little boy was born 2 month early and almost didn’t make it. I surly thought this would evoke sympathy and make my husband become a man. He looked for work and found a job, but our son got sick again, and I had already gone bk to work. I knew my husbands track record for keeping a job and his pay was going to be less than mine so I asked him to stay with our sick son and allow me to work because I’d NEVER quit as he had many times before. My husband kept our son until he was big enough for daycare and strong enough to fight off illnesses. He now cooks, cleans, takes the baby to daycare, does laundry and has made life easier for me…just one small detail tho, while struggling financially and watching him burn thru 30% of the money I made on marijuana, I met a man. This man is not a perfect man but one who has manifested love for me in ways I never knew imaginable or attainable. A few weeks ago, I told my husband I was in love with this man and I was going to continue to see him and talk to him as much as o could. My husband was destroyed because he made so many changes for the better. I told him if he would leave an give me time to sort thru my mess, I’d do my best to make things better for us one way or another. He wouldn’t leave, he said he’s not letting anyone destroy his family without a fight. I don’t want to leave him for another man but I’ve gotten so far out of this marriage that I can’t make myself come back to it. I just want to be happy. I want to be with someone who’s going to love me, assist me financially and help me grow. I don’t feel that with my husband anymore. My kids have suffered because dad and mom have been very neglectful of them and verbally abusive to them, me because I’m miserable, him because he behaves roughly by nature. I love my husband despite his flaws, but I believe I’m learning now to love myself and want better for me and my kids. My oldest three kids grew up to adults in this unhealthy environment and I don’t want the last 4 to have the same experience. I need help here, because I feel that guilt mentioned previously. My husband often reminds me that we have this beautiful family and that he needs to be turn us to help us grow. The thing is, I’m not growing, and I need out. Guilt won’t let me walk away but love won’t let me stay peacefully. Any advice, prayers or thoughts are welcomed and appreciated!
Veronica
I left my husband, im not sure if it was the right decision. He cheated, i confroted him about it but he denied and we both know he did.Thinds are not the same anymore, i dont trust him, iam aleays going through his cell phone to check who he’s been communicating with. and i found out that he’s been having this conversations with another woman, not the one he cheated with. i remember in our early months of marriage his neighbours said they thanked me for being part of his life because before he changed woman like he changed socks. now im beggining to see that a leopard will never change its spot. He is emotionally abusive and wants to control me. its either his way or the high way, if you say NO to him he becomes this crazy person. i understood from a relative of his that he did not grow up very well. His step father threw him out of the house when he was young and his mother abodaned him. so he is carrying a lot of anger in him. i also learned that he did drugs and he did not disclose this when we got married.
Cedric
Bill… you’re so right! I personnaly suffered from a wife that felt she “fell out of love”… basically because she “fell in love” with a douche. It’s really strange and self centered how women can so easily destroy everyone’s life so easily and so frequently. I’m not sure if it’s in the new society or what? I think that woman probably were always like that, it’s just the way we’re living now that makes their decision easier and almost normal. Sometimes, I believe we were a lot more happier in the old days where woman prioritized family values before their selfishness and always hunting for their happiness where they most likely will never find… They will look for it all their lives because the fairy tale just doesn’t exist! What’s happiness really? Nobody really knows and is seeking for it…. The other big issue is with social media where I see now how it can be destructive. People always look happy on social medias… They show you all the goods in their life, but not really the bad… And woman tends to compare themselves… They see others that are so happy and envy them… They are jealous… It always look greener on the neighbour’s lawn. Anyway, I meet a lot of woman lately and it’s always the same story! They were married, had small children less than 6 year old… All are saying they just felt unhappy, not in love anymore, but they had a good husband and had nothing bad to say about them! I rarely hear that from all my male friend that were dumped! It’s concerning! The good news is that there’s a better chance I will meet a woman that has passed her mid thirtys crisis and will be ready to build a real relationship with ups and downs and don’t quit for the next douchebag pumping iron at the gym because he likes seeing other man sweat in their assholes. That’s my opinion!
Andrew
Marriage is a commitment and unless you are there is abuse, addiction issues, or down serious Problem… There should be a serious Effort to reconnect… Especially if there are children… Look up Mort Fortel… Marriage Fitness..
I have an unhappy wife, she had the affair, is surrounded by terrible friends and family… And is repeating the cycle is BS her abusive father and mother have perpetuated in their family… A group of arrogant people who refuse to get help… We used marriage counseling after her affair and she asked me to have another child… Now within a year of her abusive father died, I am getting the unhappy blah blah blah…
You don’t invest in your marriage it can not get better..
If you fell in love with someone else… You clearly aren’t being a dedicated spouse with healthy boundaries…
Falling in love is easy… Staying connected takes work…
We live in a non-committee society of quitters… And children are not livestock to move around…
The best parents teach their children how t love their other parent…
I don’t feel happy or not in love anymore is a factor of lack of effort and failure to commit and prioritize the marriage..
The name of this page alone is scary…
I have been seeing the counselor my wife and saw for over a year as she has gone through her roller coaster ride of quitting the ‘trying’ for 5 cycles in 12 months…
He said your wife doesn’t know how to love anyone else because she doesn’t know how to love herself…
The commited husband is in counseling.. The the physically, mentally, and emotionally abused child, and adulterous spouse refuses to get help for herself to give her kids a better life…
Be strong and courageous and seek help for yourself and your marriage… It’s better for everyone in the long run… Do some research and look at facts and statistics…
We can do better as a nation if people stopped being so selfish.. Which is never me times in marriage vows…
Cami
Why are there men commenting on this board??? Like you guys could ever understand what we go through as women??? Yea a marriage takes work but some women up here have been struggling for years w/ the decision to leave or stay…What you guys don’t realize is you actually have to have an emotional connection w/ your spouse to remain in love/happy. Times have changed and women aren’t just going to live their lives unhappy for years because their husband is considered a “good man” in society’s eyes. Kids also suffer in these “love less” homes. They will grow up and also think it’s ok to be in a “love less” relationship because it’s comfortable. If you don’t love your spouse anymore or see him as just a friend and your unhappy why live your life like that? If statistics show women are the ones that initiate a divorce 70% of the time maybe all you men up here need to get together and figure out what y’all are doing that is causing your wives to fall out of love and want to leave you!!!!
Mel
Exactly Cami!!! Guys should not be commenting on this board as they have NO CLUE that most of us who are even contemplating the thought of divorce aren’t entering into it lightly. It’s never as easy as “I fell out of love” or “I’m just not happy anymore”. I’ve tried to explain my feelings to my husband countless times but he always dismisses me. I’ve brought up going to counseling and he thinks it’s a waste of time. He repeatedly tells me he wants his “old wife” back, the girl who didn’t express her opinions or thoughts, the girl who just went with the flow to avoid conflict. He has a real problem with me voicing my opinion especially if it doesn’t agree with his. And the question I always get is “why”. Why don’t you want to drink every night with me anymore, why do you want to go to the gym, are you trying to go back to school. Why why why? My feelings are wrong, his are right. Always. So yes I’m contemplating not being with someone who obviously would benefit from a relationship with someone else more subservient. I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. We only get one shot at this time spent on this rock spinning around the sun. Why spend it being miserable?
Brandon
As a man going thru this as i had posted earlier. Is to try to get an understanding as to what the problem is. I can see how u can fall out of love. U cannot control how u feel. But if thats the case then y ever be with someone and marry them giving the vow of for better or worse if when worse does come i.e. “Falling out of love”. U walk instead of working on it thats what taking the vow is. Its easier to be selfish and walk away then to work on it
Joseph
Women wants something unattainable, which is full happiness from a husband. Men are after something that is taken away. Expectations for a future that doesn’t exist until after it’s achieved. Unhappiness is in everything you may do. Appreciate yourself for what you put into it. You study and have to learn about marriage. Divorce due to unhappiness when the other spouse is happier being with you. Being unhappy frustrate and hurts. You won’t be happy with anyone else, but you will be happier with not only yourself but your marriage after putting together the pieces for you to even consider staying married. Positive achievement is the beginning of happiness with out destroying hope.
Raymond
let me guess, you contemplated the decision for years, struggling…..but didn’t say a word……thought so. Take some responsibility. It takes two, and me ARE NOT MIND READERS. Just like your man cant fix it by himself now, neither could you. whats the definition of insanity?
Sandy
You do know that men leave wives for similar reasons sometimes too, right? As for me, I’m leaving because of the way he treats our son and the fact that he’s happy to let rats run round our house and won’t do anything about it (but if I bring it or anything up, he says, ‘oh, I’ll put a trap out,’ and won’t hear of me taking that job. He does that once or twice, then goes back to nothing!). There are some things he does well, he treats our daughter fine – but not our autistic son. And yes, I’ve spoken up before. I know that mind reading is science fiction.
Now please, fellas, cease and desist trying to make women seem bad and flighty, and men always right and steadfast, on every single ‘divorce when your partner isn’t ready for one’ article. Most of the women here aren’t angry like me and are trying to give the men what dignity they can while still not making the mistake of staying in a dead marriage (which ends up harming everyone in the family, usually.) We don’t actually want to hurt you. Or anyone. We just think that staying will be the worst for everyone, if we’ve gotten to this point.
Joseph
josephdodd6@gmail.com
Ann
It’s very interesting to see the guys’ points of view in this… but I think it’s always one-sided. I’m trying to be open minded with this, but I am going through the same thing as many women on this board. Times have changed, guys. Many women are now working. But you know what hasn’t changed in many households – the physical work and emotional labor of running a household. Guess who generally is in charge of that? Women!
In my house, I am the breadwinner, making about 4X as much as my husband. As I made more, he made less and claims that “at his age, he deserves to do what he wants.” (We are the same age) I get the kids to school, do homework, clean, cook, and am in charge of the emotional labor – remembering appointments, keeping track of what needs to be done, making sure everyone is OK. My husband gets to go hunting, golfing, hanging out with friends – and he has plenty of time to do it, since he now only works about 25 hours per week. I’m exhausted. I don’t need another (adult) child to take care of.
I have had the discussion at least several times per year with my husband about how I am not happy, need help, need connection, want marriage therapy. FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS!!! He listens, may change a thing or two for a couple of weeks – then right back to normal! It must be nice to have a personal chef, maid, nanny, and secretary! He is so surprised and blindsided when I brought up divorce. Why? He’s known how unhappy I was. It wasn’t until I mentioned divorce that he was willing to actually put in effort. But now, it is too late. It’s been 10 years or more of emotional exhaustion, emotional withdrawal, and (I’m being honest here) resentment. I have very little left to give.
I’m not saying all men are in the same situation, but I know many, MANY women who do it all. We fought for “equal right” to work, but we forgot about being equal in the home environment. Many of us are exhausted and depleted. We have been neglected for so long.
Take a long, hard look at your relationships , men, and listen when your wife tells you she isn’t happy. If my husband had taken it seriously 10, 8, or even 6 years ago, we might have been able to turn this ship around. Now it is sunk.
David
My W dropped the bomb on me last July. She filed for D in Aug and moved out in Oct. We had been married 29 years and have 4 great young adult kids. There have been many reasons she has given for wanting the D but it all comes down to “she has no feelings for me and does not love me.’ She has taken zero steps to try to work things out and we have mediation scheduled this week and likely the D will be final shortly thereafter. Neither of us are without fault. I have taken this time to make changes and do anything I know to save my marriage. She has done nothing but be angry, mean and cold. I try to be loving and kind but it is so hard when her actions are causing so much sorrow to me, our kids, families and friends
TheTruthTheTruth
Very sad pathetic loser women out there these days making all kinds of excuses to leave their marriage.
Cindy
Wow I didn’t know this was so common. I myself am in a situation like this. I am 25 years old my husband is 35 and we have been married for six years , we have a four year old daughter. I don’t work, he bought me a brand new car , and basically he is a good husband and father. I don’t know if he has ever cheated but I have never caught him . I have been having an affair with a younger guy and I just don’t feel the same about my husband anymore. There is nothing he can do that will change that . I have decided to leave him soon and I know it will break his heart , but if I stay I will be unhappy forever. Now I feel the need to be with younger men, my husband makes me feel old and like life is over
Eric
Huge mistake.
1st of all. All things worth while, are hard. All great accomplishments are mired in difficulty. Commitments are the antithesis of discipline. Playing sports at a college or university, not quitting on your team mates… fucking hard. Playing a musical instrument well… fucking hard. Earning a degree… hard. Being a quality parent … super hard.
Imagine you were in your husbands place & he was in yours. You work & provide, he screws some hoe, then blames you for feeling some vague negative thing like feeling old. How would you feel about that?
Imagine yourself in 10 years looking back on today. What choices would you be most content with making? Raising your child in a loving intact home? Running off with your BF?
You have some serious issues. People age. Blaming others for your negativity is wrong. Why do you feel the way you do? Why do you act the way you do? Don’t know? That’s a real problem, introspection is key to self awareness & happiness.
It doesn’t help that pop culture values nothing that brings true happiness.
You’ll regret this for your whole life, or worse, you’ll live in denial of your regret which over time will eat away at your spirit.
Joseph
Damn straight. To many seen and unforseen consequences for your selfishness. Unless physical abuse is present or adultery, try counseling first on all matters. Give 6month to a year and you better be involved in it. Don’t put the children first. You two made them, they didn’t make you two. Spouse first.
Nikki
Cindy, I am in a similar situation. I am 27, my husband is 36. We have been together for 4 years, but only married for 6 months. We have a 3 year old daughter. I got pregnant 3 months into our relationship and I was devastated, as I never wanted children. Of course, now my daughter is the center of my life. She is also the sole reason I have stayed with my husband. He is a great father, and a wonderful husband. But something hasn’t felt right since the beginning. I always stayed because I didn’t want my daughter to come from a broken home. Even during our engagement I knew deep down it wasn’t right, even as I walked down the aisle I had my doubts. Now that we are married I feel so trapped and inknow I have made a huge mistake. But I don’t know what to do now. He provides for us financially, and I make good money on my own but together our daughter would never want for anything. But I just don’t love him, I don’t know that I ever have. So now I have to decide to stay or keep pretending to be a happy little family and slowly die inside, at the ripe young age of 27.
Joseph
Thinking like will destroy your marriage. He may not be what you think you want but he is yours.
venessa roland
My wife and I separated 8 weeks ago after 25 years of marriage
Sarah Davis
If you no longer love your husband why should you be with him, and hate him every day and hate him more and more you see him? I met my husband over 20 years ago, we have been married for more than 15 and have two teenage children. We have not touched each other in over 6 years, he repulses me I don’t want to look at him or be anywhere near him. I have hated him and been miserable for the last 8 years but have stuck with it thinking it will get better not worse. But each day is worse and worse, and from all the other comments above especially the men and obvious Christians no matter what we are suppose to be unhappy and miserable. We got a letter from the bank over 10 years ago that we had over drafted my husband was not working, and he had no plans to look for work because he had excuse after excuse and everything was my fault, from the items I bought, to bills, to this to that. BTW I was the one paying the bills and managing the accounts because he couldn’t. I hit the streets looking for work, I took a part time position at a shop, then was able to build up my career from there, and the entire time my husband did nothing but blame me that he didn’t have time to look for work because he had to raise the kids. I come home to a hopeless miserable depressed person. A month ago I told him I want a divorce that I no longer love him and I have not loved him. Our kids deserve to be with happy parents not miserable. Why is it okay for men to leave women but never for a women to leave? He has refused to leave, and all the sudden started looking, but guess what he can’t find anything, surprise, no another excuses, and now he tries to be around me even more and wants me to do stuff with him, I hate him I don’t want to be around him I want him out.
Rose
I am going through the same situation, except I am the breadwinner of the family. I have 2 children 1 17 yr old and a 2 yr old. My husband was hurt from an accident and has been hurt since it happened in 2009. When I get home all he ever talks about how much he is in pain, while taking care of our son. I know it takes a village to raise a child and he is an amazing father, but as a husband I have been neglected, felt ugly everyday along with mental and emotional issues I have been struggling all my life. He does not make me feel beautiful and never has. I fell in love with someone across the other side of the map. He happens to be EVERYTHING I have always wanted. He says all the right words and always at the right moment. For the first time ever, I did not feel used. I felt beautiful to someone. I felt loved and I love this man with all my heart. He did come to visit me for a few days knowing that I can only spend the day with me because I have been hiding our relationship. I can not tell family or close friends my husband and I share about what is going on. I will soon be telling my teenage daughter because she is the heart and soul of the family. I know she can be strong and she has the right to know. Anyway, I feel like a horrible person, because I LOVE my son and leaving him is like ripping my heart out of my body. I am scared that everyone will hate me for leaving him and assume I do not love him. I love him with all my heart, and he is a miracle. But my husband would never let me take him and I know taking my son away from him will destroy him. I will be leaving my family without income. I do not want to leave my family in that position, but I am dying inside every day. To the point where my mind and heart is like a Zombie, I do not care anymore for myself, like I have given up on happiness. Everyone friend who marries I am jealous of their relationships. I had accepted that I will never be able to experience that. I gained weight, my health was getting worse. I just didn’t care anymore and sometimes although the love for my children stopped me, I just wanted to stop breathing. I want to be happy, but I want my children to still be part of my life. I am afraid my husband will fight for full custody, but I will fight to make sure I share custody. Even the man I am not in love is eager to to have them part of my life with him. I am torn and I do not have the strength and support of anyone. I am not a bad person, but what I will be doing will be hurting so many. I do not know what to do.
Celina
Its the day after Xmas here in DE and i am strongly considering divorce my husband 28 has completely changed since our marriage.. we dated and he just seemed so “right”… he military we are stationed here from the US … i feel resentment towards hm because he hid his true self from me till i moved here with him he is not financially responsible not a good provider and a terrible procrastinator we’ve been without a working vehicle because he is too lazy to get things done he bitches like a 10 year old when we go grocery shopping he doesn’t like doing anything out of his schedule “work play video games days at a time dips his money away” he’s just not the person i fell for and i feel like I’ve made a huge mistake i had a career a home my own vehicle before i met him and moved for him i shifted my whole life for him and it feels like I’m cutting off a limb of his anytime i want him to do anything that is expected from a husband …. I’m ready to walk out and i want to keep my things everything in this house was mine before i met him the furniture the household goods he doesn’t have shit to his name any advise
FoxE
I am in the same situation with you women. It’s like our roles are reversed. Because he’s a barber, he’s always at home. He maybe works 15 hrs a week compared to my 40 plus. He’s not driven to do more he wants to. I file a month ago, and he doesn’t want to leave. We have 3 kids. I do everything with them, while he hangs out with friends. I justvdon’t love him like that anymore. To give up 16 years of this to him is crazy. But, more than half of that time has not been good. So, i’m getting my happy back.
earl
This is an interesting thread. My wife fell out of love with me, and I wish she would leave. I tried for over a year to make things work with her, but she’s perfectly happy seeing her married, cheating boyfriend once a week and wants us to stay together for the kids. I’d prefer to sell our house and go our separate ways, and she’s fighting me on that. I recognize a lot of thoughts expressed by wives here and wish I could go back in time and do things differently. We have two great kids, but we focused too much on them and not each other. Our current state is awful. She won’t lift a finger to save our marriage, but will go to great lengths to destroy another woman’s family. Don’t worry, though, Chuck Cheater says his wife is a witch, so it’s all OK. This is a complete nightmare with no end in sight.
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry. This is a horrible situation that is very very unfair to you. What is stopping you from going through with the divorce? the kids? I don’t know your situation or how old your kids are, but you and your wife arent’ doing them any favors by living the way you are. Trust me, your kids know the deal. They just do. Shame on your wife. I wish you all the best.
Tamara
My current siutation: I have been married about 2.5 years, I am 30 years old and I feel like I am going through a major life transition. I finally realize what I want out of life and I do not believe is in line with what my husband wants out of life, though I bet he would beg to differ. He is the kind of man who brushes off any serious conversation. he has very little drive or zest for life. He is not depressed, this is his happy pace- complacency. I have been supporting us financially for all of our relationship. he worked odd jobs for 5 years – was out fo work for 7 months with very little ambition and then a great job landed in his lap about a year ago. However still, our saving account is my savings account, I pay almost all joint utilities and all groceries. He does pay half the mortgage but the house was purchased by me (in his hometown 3 hours from my family), with my money, before we got married. I am extremely independant and driven and can not stand someone being so dependant on me when they are a grown man. I have come to the realization that I do not feel traditional narriage is for me. he deserves someone who wants to meander through life at his pace. I deserve someone who wants to travel the worls, be outside, and experience as much as possible. I am a very fulfilled hospice nurse and I live my life to the fullest- we only have one. We do not have a deep emotional connection. It began to die about 3 years ago when I lost one of my closest male friends to suicide. He supported me for about 2 day and then got on my case for “still crying”. “how much longer is this going to go one for” comments. I continued to cry and grieve- though in the privacy of my shower. He also would not let me have a charm that once belonged to my deceased friend, made into jewlery since I would be wearing something from another man, he felt it was inappropriate. I am by no means a perfect wife, I fill my life with things that bring me joy, spending time with friends, snowboarding, the gym, hiking, traveling. Very seldom does he join in these activities. Our lives are parallel, but we do sit on the couch and watch a show together every night and share laughs. He is charismatic and people love him, we have fun dancing at weddings but the sexual connection dies a long time ago- only having sex once every 6-8 weeks, if that. I believe we are both good people but not right for eachother. I am back in counseling by myself to work through this decision-any thoughts from anyone on this situation.
Maria
Tamara, i’m in the same situation as you. All he wants to do is watch TV. And i want to get out there, see the world with him, learn new things. I want to study and get even better job while he is just fine with his “here and there” job. I’m tired of trying to get him out there, i’m tired of pushing him, i’m tired of wanting simple things but not getting them because he doesn’t want them. I’m feeling like my life is just going past me. Please tell me, what is your situation? Did you leave? Or keep working on the marriage? Thank you!
Bobby
The entire “Guilt” paragraph really resonated with me. A lot of people are kind of afraid to tackle that topic but I’m glad you put it in the article.
Sara
OMG I can’t believe I’ve found people in the same boat as me! Decent husband, good provider but I am dying every day of emotional neglect. I don’t really think we were ever “in love” but I cried for help dozens of times, dragged him to counseling, but he didn’t take me seriously I guess. He used to get pissed off a lot in our sessions together when I would tell him our relationship is dying a slow death and we need to do something about it now! We have been separated and “nesting” for about 11 months now and are at a crossroads. I don’t want to lose my family and going it alone would be so difficult but I cannot imagine just tolerating my life until I die. We are going through a LOT of major transitions right now so this is a terrible time but I simply can’t fake it anymore. And HE deserves something better. He really does! He should not settle for the little I can offer him either! Life is meant to be lived!
Karen
Im currently in a situation where I am ready to divorce my husband. We’ve been together for 10 years and have been married for 2.5years. We don’t have any kids. I’m divorcing him because I feel rejected, alone, and unwanted. About 6 months after we got married, we had decided try and have kids. Over the next few months, we were having intimacy issues. He would give me excuses as to why he didn’t want to be intimate with me and when he did, he couldn’t finish and lost the feeling in the middle of it which made me feel like I did something wrong. What really hurt me was when I caught him watching porn in our bedroom. If he was in the mood, he should have just come to me ( in the other room) rather than lay there watching porn. I kept asking him, what can I do to make things better… do I need to lose weight? Do I need to change my body to be like those women on porn? I even offered to watch it with him. But he couldn’t give me an answer to why he decided to watch porn than be intimate with me, kept telling me not to change, but never showed me that I was enough. For our first year anniversary, I gave him an album of boudoir photos that I took. I have a low self esteem and so it was hard for me to do this, but it was my last attempt to spark something, anything. In Dec of 2015 I became depressed, I cried all the time, stopped eating for weeks, and it wasn’t until I was close to ending my life that my friend dragged me to see a pastoral care therapist who helped me see a therapist. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage therapist since Jan 2016 and while I hoped that it would make things better, it’s actually made me realize how unmatched we are in other things, not just intamacy. Recently, he confessed that he doesn’t see being intimate as important in a relationship as I do. And while that may be good for him, that isn’t what I want. Counseling has also shown me that I have not forgiven him for the hurt he caused me in the beginning of our relationship 10 years ago when he was talking to another woman while dating me and lying to me about it. The more sessions we’ve been in, the more distant I’ve become and the more unhappy I’ve been in the relationship. I cringe every time my husband comes near me. My whole body gets stiff when he tries to hug me. We haven’t kissed, held hands, or had any type of intimacy since 2015. I have a hard time even answering him nicely or hold a conversation. A few months ago I started seeing a therapist for myself to work through my emotions and make sure that I’m making a decision properly. Even after that, im still with the same decision to leave my husband. ive been unhappy for a long time and I’m sure that my husband is unhappy now. I keep worrying about after the divorce, will he be able to find someone who can love him the way he needs? I worry about our friends and families. I feel guilty that this will hurt him. Am I supposed to put aside my happiness and stay in this just to make him happy and keep the normalcy of our friends and family? But then how will I have kids? I can hardly sit next to him, touch him, even hold hands. I don’t want to make it seem like he hasn’t tried to make things better though. It wasn’t until around June of last year did he realize that things were bad with us. He’s been nicer, always cooks dinner, has bought me flowers, but he also cannot make a decision on anything now. I think he’s worried he’ll make a wrong decision so he always asks me what to do for any and all things from what color socks he should wear to his birthday plans. I know he’s been trying to make things better, but it doesn’t seem to change the way I feel. I still have a repulsive action when he comes near me. Almost everything annoys me. I can’t be the wife he needs me to be. I failed the marriage.
Heidi
Karen, just checking in on you! I feel the same way about my husband, don’t want to kiss him or touch him and I don’t even want to think about having sex with him. I feel so guilty about it, but I to want a divorce.
Penny
I’m kind of in the same boat. My husband is an “ok” father. He gets a passing grade of C+ when it comes to our kids. He loves them but is extremely selfish with his time. He doesn’t enjoy family time at all. He won’t go to amusement parks or movies or anywhere really, unless I force it. And he doesn’t do anything much for our special needs child – like its too hard for him or he gets embarrassed.
He also gets a just passing grade as a husband, C-. He is a hard worker and takes care of the house. I have to give him that. The problem is that he is a SUPER controlling, bad tempered, always in a bad mood person. He stresses out about everything. The kids see it and comment that Daddy is always mad. Our love life is kind of still there but I don’t enjoy things at all. I almost feel like he avoids intimacy as well. We’ve been in and out of counseling for TEN years now. Married 16 years. It hasn’t helped and he won’t change.
Another problem is that he is a cold person when someone is injured, he’ll help but he will be resentful and mean while doing it. I have developed some major medical issues which he is not dealing well with. I may be in a wheelchair in 20 years and I have to look forward to this cold, resentful man to take care of me. I feel trapped in the marriage because I don’t know if anyone would want someone like me with my condition (even tho its not bad right now and may not get bad at all). I’m good looking and still young-ish that I could land another person if only the medical issues weren’t there.
I’m unhappy and I feel like I’m running out of time (my youth) to find another. I’m going to see a counselor but I feel like the only way out is divorce.
Keith Collister
I mirror many comments here about the love that was once there. The raising of the kids was great. We were both involved. Her moreso than me towards the end of high school for the youngest. My work hours were atrocious but I did provide and I was very handy with the vehicles and house repair. Even cooking when her job lasted into dinner hours. She decided she wanted to replace a deceased pet(dog) with another that I was not fond of. She decided to sleep in another bed because I wouldn’t allow the dog in the bed. Probably sounds trivial but our relationship died with my no dog in the bed rule and her choosing to sleep with a dog instead of me. No sex in 10 years. It’s over. Like stated earlier, life is too short. I lost feelings for her. Both of us deserve someone that will love them. She has twice mentioned divorce during disagreements. I’ve been miserable for years just existing but her idle mention of divorce as a threat or to just simply get her way is coming to fruition. She’ll get what she threatened. I am so lonely and have only recently made a close friend from a long time acquaintance. I am very lucky she is there for me and it will never be more than friends. I would enjoy talking to others though to explain more of my reasoning for deciding to follow through with divorce. I need help in how and what to say when I tell her I’ve decided to divorce. I would greatly appreciate email, texting and maybe even a friendly voice. Wcollister on gmail.
Byron
All these comments and articles have shown me a 29 year old man why bother getting married I mean I was frightened by what I hears from stories about bachelorette / hen parties and due the fact I was raped as a child by a male stripper but this article and and the comments on it have shown me no matter how hard I try in a relationship and or marriage I’ll fail no matter what half of the women here have wonderful marriages and are with wonderful men and act like children towards their husbands and I am really get sick by all this thank you ladies you’ve shown me not to bother with marriage or love thank you for making my heart grow so very cold and dead thank you for making me dead inside ? and yes I’m a man.
Anon
Yes, just emotionally beat and abuse your husband, then get rid of your guilt by blaming him for your faults and your leaving. Brilliant.
Most marriages are destroyed by women.
JJ
What I see hear are a few insurmountable issues but mostly, a lot of terribly selfish people with their values out of whack. Before you pile on, I’ve been there, only my husband was far from blameless. Ending the marriage, since he had broken the vows anyway, was only logical. Unfortunately, due to a complex business situation and overly entangled assets, we were stuck in the same big house during the housing market crash … and resolved to live separately, civilly, and under the same (thankfully spacious) roof until the economy began to recover. We lived on separate sides of the house he had the guest master suite, office and basement rec room / man cave while I had the family room, master suite and my office and craft rooms. I installed a pair of solid doors with deadbolts to break up the space and provide both of us to have our privacy — so essentially we shared a kitchen, laundry room, garage and the outdoor entertainment spaces. At first it felt awkward, after a few weeks of careful mutual respect and some intentional avoidance , we both relaxed into our own areas and concentrated on our own lives. Any social lives we might have had were conducted elsewhere and one or both of us was often away on social weekends — within a couple of months we realized it wasn’t so hard, signed papers to finalize the divorce while leaving the marital assets entangled with a management agreement in place for the duration of the great recession and sluggish recovery. Under the agreement, either of us could move out or stay, but the fixed costs were to be divided between us unless otherwise mutually agreed. Until there was a reason neither of us wanted the additional costs of temporary housing, so we both adapted. A year later we had stopped the intentional avoidance for the most part but we still lived separate lives … I was in a relationship with an old flame but was hesitant about commitment and I think he may have had similar issues, but we never discussed our personal lives and lived peacefully as room mates. Once in a while we would both be there and one or the other might offer to share their meal or some other random courtesy, and then the strangest thing started happening — we started to become friends again, but very slowly. His battery died and I offered him a ride to the auto parts store, one of my dogs got sick while I was working and he called me and took it to the vet — small kindnesses accumulated until about a year and a half after the divorce we travelled together to a family event, although we stayed at different hotels. On the way back we took a spontaneous side trip to see a national park a few miles out of the way, had a pleasant lunch, and ended up having a good day together — our first in years! Gradually we started intentionally began spending a little time together. A year later, we decided we needed to give it another try, and we did — that was eight years ago and we’ve re-opened a door we didn’t believe even existed anymore. By the time the markets recovered we remarried instead of dividing our marital estate per the agreement we never breached.
ConcernedMan
Hello Jackie, In your article you wrote, “Leaving someone takes guts. Be proud that you are doing what’s right for your children and yourself, and that you left and didn’t take the easy way out by staying, maybe because he has money, or because it was comfortable.”
Leaving is EASY. It consists of packing your stuff and walking away from your problems. Anyone can do it (with the exception of someone who is mentally abused). However, in your example, the guy is a “good husband”. I’m going through a situation where my wife is deciding if she wants to leave or stay. Asking her to say takes GUTS, asking her to share with me takes GUTS for both of us, hearing her say the words, “I’m not in love with you any more” takes GUTS, watching her cry takes GUTS, going to therapy to learn about why she feels this way takes GUTS..
STAYING TOGETHER is the HARD thing to do and takes “GUTS”. Walking away is the easy way out. The pseudo advice you give is positioning women who are at their most vulnerable stage just so you can get MORE advertising revenue on your blog. Shame on you.
Ladies, if you aren’t going to mean what you say when you swear an oath before God and all your friends, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part”, then just say NO when he asks you to marry him and save everyone the heartache.
Jackie Pilossoph
I very much feel for what you are going through. It’s gut-wrenchingly painful. But, no one has any idea what goes on in someone else’s marriage except for the two people in it. So, there should be no judgment to those who leave or stay. As far as my ad revenues, I have built my business on writing advice to try to make people happier. That’s it. I try to help them to be happier, whether that means staying or leaving for them. It is their decision–never mine. I also recently wrote a blog called “Should this woman get divorced? Hell no.” You might want to read that before judging me.
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/should-this-woman-get-divorced-hell-no/
I wish you and your wife all the best in making the right decision and I hope it works out the way you want.
Tanya
My husband and I have been together for 21 years … We lived together for 4 years and have been married for 17 years … I plan to file for divorce wthin the next couple of weeks … I haven’t yet told him … I dread the conversation, mainly because his temper scares me … He’s not physically abusive to me and he treats me well for the most part…. We just have no connection .. We have no intimacy of any kind… He had some health issues a few years back and we no longer have sex … We hardly touch at all … We don’t hug or hold hands … We don’t touch at all in the bed… (It’s a really large bed) … I’ve told him that I need a connection… I need to feel that intimacy…His response was if you want me to take a viagra let me know ..Seriously…Another issue for me is with his attitude toward my son and the rest of the world in general … I’m always having to take sides between him and my son, even when I try to stay neutral, and it’s been like that since my son was 8 years old … My husband is very pushy … His way is the only way and if you don’t agree with him that’s your problem… There’s no discussion and no compromise … Even going to the grocey store with him is challenging…I’m on edge every time we go anywhere because I know it’s very likely that he will get into some sort of confrontation with someone, about something, before we get back home … It happens all the time … Parking spaces, people entering exit doors, people laughing too loud, people with loud children … There’s always something and he always feels like he has the right to push his opinion onto other people … I don’t enjoy outings with him at all… He’s overly aggressive in everything he does .. I’ve tred to talk to him about it … I’ve told him how it makes me feel … Nothing changes …
I know in my heart that I never should have married him… When I think back on our entire relationship something so simple comes to mind… There was a moment, in the very beginning, where he did something that in retrospect should have been like a flashing neon sign … I used to go out every weekend with my sister and friends … We would have a few drinks and go dancing… There was this song they use to play in the club that we went to, the dj would play it especially for me, because he knew I loved to dance to that song … From what I could tell, guys loved to dance with me to that song … The first time I danced with my now husband to that song, he grabbed my hips and told me to slow down that I was moving too fast for the music … I know it’s silly, but that moment sums up for me how the next 20 years were going to go … The fact that we were completely incompatible on the dance floor should have been a warning …
For some reason I’ve never been able to stand up for myself with him, even though I am what I would define as a strong person in any other context .. He is my 2nd husband and maybe I just didn’t want to admit I made a mistake for a long time … But I’ve come to realize that at my age now (47) I’m more concerned with finding my own happiness than with caring about what people think .. I take responsibility for the choices I’ve made … I cheated on him in 2004 and we separted for almost 2 years .. We should have divorced then … But after my sister passed away in 2006 we got back together, although we never really had a conversation about anything, we just sort of moved back in together .. We went on for several years with me walking on eggshells and him taking advantage of it .. But I’m the one that didn’t walk away … Then a little over 3 years ago he became the biggest cliche there is … He started going to the gym and lost weight … I swear I recognized the signs almost immediately … But it took me about 2 months to prove he was cheating … He had profiles on Tinder, POF, and a few other sites … But he said he wanted to work on our marriage so we talked everything out over and over … I should have left then, but I didn’t … But 3 years down the road I know I don’t love him, not like I should … I’m definitely not in love with him … There’s nothing to hold on to … He doesn’t love me although he won’t admit that … We don’t say I love you to each other and haven’t for a very long time … He pecks me on the lips when he leaves for work and when he comes in … We don’t talk about feelings or emotions .. But we can converse about football or hockey or what the neighbors have been doing … I’m not cheating on him and at this point I’m not at all interested in seeing anyone … I just want to find a way to be happy and I know that’s not with him .. I feel drained … I’m not angry… I don’t hate him …. I just feel nothing for him ….I’ve known it for a long time but I’m finally admitting it …. I’ve made so many mistakes … I just want it to be over….. I don’t want to hurt him but I am determined to do this .. I do feel some guilt, but it’s nothing compared to the knot that I feel in the pit of my stomach every time he makes my son feel unwelcome in what is supposed to be our home.. Or the embarrassment I feel when he makes condescending remarks to my family or friends…. I’ll always carry regret for staying in this situation as long as I have but, I am going to find my way out …
50+lady
I have been married for 26 years and separated for 3 months. My husband is great looking, hard working, very generous, and supportive. He is an amazing person in so many ways. He also really loves me and wants our marriage to work which I do truly appreciate.
However, here is the history and the reason for the disconnect: At year 22 of our marriage, I found out that he had been having an affair with a good friend of ours for years; not only that, he had had an affair with a former neighbor who was my friend and babysat our son. I forgave him of all of this and I thought we had moved on into a good place in our life only to find out that after moving back to his hometown, he was having an affair with an old girlfriend. I don’t think they were together physically but I watched the sexting and porn she would send. I caught him twice in this relationship, and I finally left.
In my gut, I don’t think I have or will get back the love I should have for someone I’m married to or get back any desire to be with him sexually, but now that he is fully committed and wants me back so badly, I’m the one who feels guilty and is afraid of making a mistake. I could go on with other circumstances surrounding this, but just from this past history alone, does anyone think I should still try working on this?
Jackie Pilossoph
Wow. Why on earth would you even feel one bit guilty for considering leaving a man who cheated on you, not once, but MULTIPLE TIMES?! Anyone who loves and cares about you will tell you that the only way you should give your husband another chance is if the two of you go to counseling on a consistent basis for several weeks. I think I counted four affairs. Right? Hmmm… Ask yourself if you deserve better. I guarantee that your answer will wipe away any guilt you have. What I’m trying to say is, cheating is unacceptable. I don’t care if he has every other wonderful quality on earth. It is a dealbreaker. Unless you seriously explore why he keeps doing it and the only way to do that is in therapy. Hope that helps.
Rebecca
Unfortunately I think you are better off without him. Hope you can move on and heal.
Rebecca
Hi I’m Rebecca i have been married for 25 years together 30. Am i happy most of the time
Like most of you have said abound your spouse my husband is a good father and a good man. Our relationship has changed as it should. When people are together for many years you will get bored life is monotonous. But to me that is not a reasons to give up. A new relationship with give you everything you desire. Passions, holding hands making love etc. But really after you are in that relationship for a while just like your first one it becomes boring and monotonous. When that happens do you move on again. Most people take each other for granted when that happens you can begin to drift apart. If both of you want the relationship it can be salvaged but if you don’t, just remember the next relationship you have might be worse than the one you had with your husband. Yes it could also be the best thing thats happened to you but that doesn’t always happen. My husbands sister left her husband he cheated, so i don’t blame her for leaving but she is re-married now and is more miserable than she was with her first husband. Good luck
Kristy
Is this board still going? I hope it is because I finally feel like I found a place where someone else is feeling like I am
Emi
What’s your story Kristy?
Emi
I left my husband a few weeks ago for another man. It hurts like hell and I know there’s no way I could make it right anymore. What I’ve read here is a great help for me to work my way out of feeling so miserable. Thank you!
Greg
The reason why it hurts and why you feel so miserable is because you know what you are doing is wrong. That is called guilt. The best way for you to work your way out of this is to go back to your husband and apologize for your adulterous ways.
Shawn
I am not a religous person, but when I got married it was supposed to be because this is the person I want to be with forever. It is to easy to walk away and chalk it up to life. I am a non confrontational man who has been married 22 years. I help with house chores, I cook, I do all the work outside, I am supportive emotionally and financially, I am a good communicator of my feelings and ask and tend to her emotions. I tell my wife she is beautiful and sexy and I get the “I am not in love with you anymore speech”. Just to easy to walk away, marriage requires work sometimes, compromise and understanding. Just saying it OK to just walk away makes you a moron. You are impacting lives you have created and molded for your own selfish reason. I accept if your husband was a jackwagon, but those leaving behind a good person should reconsider if this is the best option. Any person who walks away without trying be it a man or woman I would hope ends up lonely, old and sad because you deserve it.
Casey
My husband is a good person but not a good husband or father. He hasn’t cheated, isn’t an addict and he comes home every night. Unfortunately all he does is work and come home. I work full time and I do all the housework, raise the kids, manage our finances, etc. We have been married for 17 years and I started expressing my need for help in our second year of marriage. I’ve also told him many times that I would be fine with doing all the work if I had an emotionally engaged partner and father to the kids. He still doesn’t help without being specifically told and he does not communicate about anything other than things like the weather. He has never asked me to dinner, a movie, a walk. Anything we have ever done as a couple or family is because I have arranged it. Over the summer, I told him I need him to pitch in and I gave him a chore – do the dishes. Even after that, he doesn’t do that one chore consistently. Here I am after many years of individual therapy feeling like I have no choice but to divorce. I asked him to couples therapy 7 years ago. He went to a couple of sessions and said he needed a break from it – he never went back. I’ve spoken to him so many times over the years but he either can’t do the work necessary to fix this or he just won’t. Either way, the net result is the same to me. I’m so lonely and exhausted that I am in physical pain. I have turned myself inside out in an attempt to change my mind and heart to make this relationship bearable for the rest of my life. He will never know or believe how badly I wanted to stay married to him.
Linda
Are you serious? You really want to divorce your husband because he doesn’t do the dishes consistently? Because you can’t change him? I wish I had your problems.
Since you obviously don’t want to be married to that lazy bum anymore, any chance I can have him when you’re through?
Serafena
Wow Linda! All you got out of what she wrote is that she wanted a divorce because he doesn’t consistently do the dishes? Read it a few more times. She has a roommate, not a husband or father to their children. He works and likely feels that he is providing for the family and that is all he needs to do. She has tried many different approaches to engage him, communicate, and compromise. He obviously doesn’t want to put any time, work or effort into their marriage.
Aliaj
Hi, i just found this blog and hopefuly will get the help i need. I’ve dated my husband for 6 years and been married for 6 months now. Since we started dating, he would go back and forth between being too nice and giving with me or humiliating me and treating me like a was worthless.
He would say things like: he didnt feel attracted to me because i wasn’t wearing make up like he liked, or i need to dress a certain way because if i didn’t he would get mad or not talk to me. He also broke up with me more than 15 times and during two of those times, he dated other women and then would call me back and say he missed me and wanted me back. I made the mistake to always get back together with him the minute he called.
The thing is that after we got married he stop paying attention to, stop talking to me on a regular basis, but say things like he regretted being married that he didn’t over pressure and that he just didn’t care about our marriage. Every time i try to talk to him about our situation, he would leave me talking or say he just didn’t want to talk about it, he would say that he didn’t see me as a woman with a future (specially when im almost graduating to get my masters degree in business law, work and organize the house).
During the time we have been married, i tried everything and was hopeful he would realize how much he was hurting me but nothing seemed to work. Until i had enough three weeks ago and told he i wanted to separate. He knows says he will change and that he needs me and my help, that he doesn’t want to lose me and that he regrets everything he said and did. But i just don’t feel its the right thing for me to stay or to give him another chance.
But, even though i know this relationship is toxic i can’t help to feel so guilty and bad when i see him cry or beg for another chance.
Bzz
I am sorry to all women who rewrote the ages old morals. According to these, when you leave a husband who has done nothing wrong because you lost feelings, you are very wrong. You are the adulterer when you trade him in for another model. Same applies to men of course. Losing feelings is not grounds to forever demolish a family unit. There are grounds for that, real adultery and real abuse. When you break a marriage to be with your lover, you are the adulterer.
MikeDrop
No need to feel sorry for us! We can see how you spend your free time. And that speaks volumes to your character and morals. You should take a long look in the mirror first before feeling sorry for us!
Bzz
You on your 5-th failing marriage? How’s that child support?
Gigi
Hello,
I hope my story can help someone as this thread helped me in retrospect. I am a woman who found myself in a loveless marriage after 10 years together. Like others have stated before, he was a good man, he made sure to provide for our family, and he tried to give me what he could emotionally. But he was also emotionally manipulative and his low self-esteem seeped into our lives in very devastating and negative ways. We were both not perfect. I myself will be the first to say that although I tried my hardest, I brought issues to the relationship that also made it challenging. But I took personal responsibility for my mistakes and actions and expected the same from him, which he did not do. He instead put his head in the sand and would constantly say that ‘everything was ok’ or that ‘I was crazy to complain’. He actually made me question my sanity at one point because I thought to myself ‘shouldn’t I just be happy with what I’ve got’.
After 2 years into our relationship the sex died between us. We fought constantly about it, with him always saying he either didn’t know what was happening or that it was my fault (choose easy excuse and insert here). He told me it was my weight, my legs, my body hair (I’m Greek by ethnicity), my attitude, my reactions, he blamed where we lived, the time of day, his work schedule, you name it…he used it as an excuse. At that time, I loved him so much, that I saw this as our only problem in the marriage.
Many people on here will say yes, that I should have sucked up my feelings and stayed. Why was it a NO for myself? Why did I leave and not ‘suck it up’ and ‘respect my vows’? Because for the last 3 years of my marriage I tried everything to save it. I went to therapy alone, I went to couples therapy with him, I challenged myself and succeeded in losing 40 lbs. Every complaint he ever made about my body I changed for him. I made sure that I was there for him emotionally and physically. I would cook all of his meals and pack him a lunch every day, clean our home, make sure we had food and anything we needed fully stocked in the house, worked a full time job as a Registered Nurse and tried to be sexy and initiate sex. I made it so that his life would be so streamlined, efficient and easy for him to handle so that he could find his way back to me and give me the love and respect that I deserved. Like I said and will always say, my ex-husband is a great man. But, when one partner gives more than the other for an extended period of time and does not see any effort or attempt from the other partner to better their situation…then yes, I state that we ‘fell out of love’ and that ‘I don’t feel the same anymore’ and I decide to leave. And those are the exact reasons I give people when they ask me why my marriage failed, because that is in essence what happened.
Why leave if he was good to me? Because contrary to what some of the negative responses have said, I put in the work and expected the same amount of commitment and effort from my ex, and when he showed me that he wasn’t stepping up, he proved to me how he really felt about me. Being a good man, and helping around the house is not enough. You need to match what your partner is bringing to the relationship as well, otherwise the power shifts to no longer being 50/50 but 80/20…and the person carrying the 80% should never feel obligated to stay with someone who is not giving the same to them. The person considering leaving a relationship should also understand that the guilt of staying will ultimately cause more harm to yourself. We are individuals responsible for ourselves and staying in an environment where you are not happy will turn a normal environment into a toxic one.
After 10 years I left in November 2018.
I still love my ex and we are still in bare minimum contact…but I know that if I had stayed, our fights which had just been aggressive words up until that point (with the exception of some shows of aggression but never touching each other) that eventually our fights would turn toxic and violent. Staying when you don’t want to, because you feel obligated will, in my humble opinion, cause you to hate yourself and your husband in the end.
I took the steps and time I needed to for myself to make the right decision for my life. I do not criticise or judge women who have not walked the same path as myself. You have all decided you are unhappy in your current relationship for your own personal reasons. Read the responses on this post with a grain of salt. No one really knows what you are suffering through. Make the decision based on the love you have for yourself. You are responsible for you and your own happiness. Only you decide if leaving or staying is right for you and the steps to take. I say this because I have seen other on here try to shame and hurt instead of understand and offer constructive criticism. Huge grain of salt ladies, as many on here are trolling because they are unhappy in their own lives.
At the end of the day, as human beings, we all deserve to try to find our happiness. And no one has the right to try to shame you into staying in a relationship that, let’s be honest, does not affect their lives in any way, shape or form. If you decide to leave…you decide based on you, your situation, your values, your environment, your safety, your health, etc.
And leaving is not easy…make no mistake. But when you decide what’s best for you, and you do it, you often find yourself on the other side wondering what took you so long to make that transition. At least that was my experience.
Kelly Fleak
You left your spouse? You’re a quitter. Objectively. Pad it however you want: Eat. Prey. Love., #metoo, whatever helps you sleep at night. If you left your spouse, you are a quitter. You took the easy way out. You broke your vows. Live with that every day of your life.
Gigi
Whatever you say Kelly Fleak, you obviously have all the answers.
Anonymous
I hate you old losers that think drug users or alcoholics can’t be fixed oh they gonna get worse if u don’t know real facts keep your throat unclogged. If the wife or husband shows support & they work together it can be fixed. Communication counciling
Carl
It’s so selfish for a woman to leave a man just because she wants something new or different in her life, especially when the woman says that the man hasn’t done anything wrong. Women like this never find the happiness they are seeking in their lives. They just leave behind the ashes of good men in their wake.
Jackie Pilossoph
I completely agree, but remember that some men do this, too.
Sad sausage
When I was left by women they were trading up. Monkey branching is another term. I personally think when a woman leaves like that she is betraying her husband and her children. Moreover, statistically these new shiny replacement relationships don’t last. Another family destroyed, another child’s life ruined, another single mother is born. I decided against dating single mothers. Clearly they make bad decisions
Billy Bob
Its the usual story, woman has romance and exciting life with a new man she meets. Man and Woman get married and have several children. Life becomes stable predictable for the sake of the kids as they require routine. Husband gets older and is working a lot so he gets tired and begins to not have the energy to focus on the relationship as they did when he was single. Wife begins to feel dissatisfied and bored. Wife begins to look around for some excitement so branches out to some new activities and finds there are some men at these activities and not a boring one like the one she has at home!, there is flirting, this is new lots of romance! and there is passion!! and excitement!!!. Wife gets interested in one man in partiular and stalks him on facebook, she learns the mans current wife is really an evil tyrant who keeps the man under her witches spell and she becomes determined to have this new man at any cost raising her emotional investment even more. She seduces new man with illicit sex and convinces new man to destroy his entire family to be with her. She destroys her entire family to be with him citing true love thining they an live in happy bliss forever. Twelve months later things don’t seem quite right to her. This man isn’t quite who she thought he was, he said a lot of stuff to her, hes starting to be a bit like her ex-husband and boredom is again creeping into the relationship now the emotional highs of competing against and defeating the evil ex wife have disappeared…..shes starting to see who he really is. …just another loser, how could she have been so blind she tells herself it will be better next time. Ex-wife decides to go find some new activities to relieve her boredom and general unhappiness which will never end for her for the rest of her life. Ex-husband after being devastatingly unhappy for a while after the initial breakup feels the freedom for the first time in years gets his mojo back, goes to the gym and buys a new car and swears never to be fooled by women ever again and starts sleeping with women 20 years younger than himself realising they will never be happy and that is ok just never commit to them.
Why do I Feel Guilty
Why do I feel so guilty for wanting to leave my husband? Like a lot of the other people, I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for seven. We also have two amazing kids together. SO, here is my issue. I noticed my husband looking at a website that had all naked girls and stuff like that. I said something to him about it and he dismissed me. I started noticing he never appreciated anything I did anymore, I could never do anything right and when we argued he would call names (Bitch, Cunt, Retarded, Idoit, ETC.) He never complimented me anymore, it was I always need to lose this or tone that. I was about to leave him and then I let him talk me into staying he promised he would change, and he would get better. Things did change for a little while and we got married during this time. When I found out I was pregnant, my husband started pushing my other kid from a previous marriage aside, like he didn’t matter anymore. He would never carry on a conversation with him or do anything with him as he used to and when he would say something, he was yelling at him to do his chores. Anytime he had something to say he would just yell it and get so frustrated with my son. My husband when we first met would always say he was our son and not just mine which also changed to him calling him just my son. So, of course, we would argue and fight over this but not just that, him not appreciating me or not wanting to have sex, him putting my feelings down like they do not matter. One day he gave me his phone while he was doing something, and a bunch of porn sites popped up. I got very upset and told him how I felt it was disrespectful and how much I disapproved of that and how it hurt my feelings he swore he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him. Another year passes we are still having the same arguments about my feelings, him disrespecting me and how he treats my son. Nothing is changing. He blames it on his job and him being so stressed. We relocate he changed jobs and I end up getting pregnant again, and while I am 8 months Prego I find a message on his phone from an Instagram account I didn’t even know he had. He is once again looking up other women who are half-naked but this time he is looking up women who are bigger than me but he is still telling me I need to lose weight and tone this or that and I should wear this or that or complaining that I never get my nails or hair done anymore. Me being Prego I stayed. Another year passes and we are still having the same arguments over and over. I Still to this day I find little stuff on his phone where he has looked up this person topless or he has gone to this porn site. He says I am being ridiculous and immature, and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much. He has also said he has talked to all his buddies and all of them who have step kids treat them the way he treats my son. This has all happened over the last four years and the last four years we have been having the same arguments over and over. SO, I finally told him I was done that I couldn’t do this anymore, he talked me into going to counseling we have been going, I am still going, but I honestly feel it’s too late. I feel he let too much time go by before he really wanted to start trying to work on it that I love him, but I am not in love with him. Not to mention I have still found some type of porn, topless women or something on his phone, he selectively deletes stuff which tells me he’s hiding things. I want a divorce I haven’t told him yet, but I want to know why I feel so guilty and am I wrong for wanting a divorce.
SoNowWhat?
I’m curious to know what eventually happened to the women who left their husbands who did nothing wrong. A few follow up stories would be great.
I’m another husband who’s wife decided after having an affair that she was ‘unhappy’. Or maybe she had the affair because she was unhappy. Either way, she never voiced any concerns prior to then. I did check ins with her and she said she was good. I did nothing wrong (I’ve asked her and she can’t come up with damn thing). She’s just ‘unhappy.’ And that’s justification enough to have affairs.
The thing is this, if we didn’t have a kid, I’d just cut my losses and let it go. I don’t want to force someone to be with me who doesn’t want to be there. I’m just as miserable with her acting out on her ‘unhappiness’ as she is in the marriage.
It really takes heavy a toll on a man’s self esteem and manhood when someone else is screwing his wife. I’ve been miserable and have been carrying this heavy anxiety in my body since I found out. My mental health has taken a huge toll. I’m more bitter and less trusting these days. I can’t see myself ever giving my heart to another woman. Especially after reading this.
But the fact of knowing that it’s going to break our kids’ heart when I decide that I can’t do it anymore keeps me there.
The fact that I can’t tell him ‘why’ I’m leaving is tough. Since he doesn’t have context, it is teaching him that it is ok to forsake your vows or quit on your promises and obligations simply because you don’t feel like doing it anymore. It goes against what I had been teaching him about being a responsible human being.
I am bitter over losing my family for nothing I did wrong. It was the most important thing to me. I would have died for either of them and done anything in my power as the thought of losing them was too much. I am bitter about her just giving up and not lifting a damned finger to at least see if she could find happiness without hurting so many people. I’m more hurt that my son’s heart will break over this.
I don’t understand women’s feelings. It seems that feelings alone are enough to justify breaking a home regardless of circumstance. It seems as if they are powerless to control themselves so it’s enough to justify giving up and destroying the people around you.
But once your mind is made up, then there is nothing anyone can say or do to change it. Tragic, but all too common story today. It’s the epitome of selfishness in my opinion. It then gets masked with being strong and that is an insult to those who actually are strong enough to try. I know I can’t change your minds on this issue, you’ve convinced yourself that you’re miserable and I suspect, you don’t want to find happiness in your marriages…you want out.
In the cases of leaving a good husband, you’ve brainwashed yourselves into thinking that happiness isn’t possible simply because you don’t want to be happy in that particular marriage. I think that many of you choose the honeymoon fairytale of your lover or affair partner and justify it by convincing yourself that you’re miserable. You’ve brought into the lies you told yourself so you could justify your selfish actions. You’ve chosen infatuation lust (not a choice) over true love ( a choice). It’s the easy thing to do I suppose.
Either way, I’m curious to know what happened next.
Kate
I’m a year past leaving my ‘nice guy’ husband because … well, something wasn’t right (on this thread now because I write about the topic and wanted to do some light reading). I’m 30 and met my ex-husband when I was in college. We spent most of our 20s working our butts off at well-paying corporate jobs, neglecting the fact that our relationship was slipping away faster than our hands could work to save it.
I fearfully brought up my feelings of unease in our sexless/emotionless relationship often, but he never took my concerns or worries seriously. Eventually, I was so consumed with anxiety, I had to take action. And when I did, the anxiety stopped. My body was speaking, and it would have been an absolute shame (for both of us) if I didn’t listen.
This decision was the most agonizing one I’ve ever made. I didn’t leave because I was just unhappy or wanted someone or something different, I left because the relationship was no longer right. I left with zero expectation of things being better or worse, I just knew it was the right thing to do.
I spent a year going to therapy, journaling nearly every day, meditating, traveling alone … desperately trying to better understand myself/my needs/my wants, so I’d be better equipped in my next relationship. And it changed my life. I ended up quitting my job, moved abroad, and started my own business and I know I wouldn’t be half the person I am now if I had stayed in that relationship.
I completely disagree with leaving a marriage for another relationship, but if a woman is sacrificing her entire life to be alone, she is not reckless, she is fucking brave. She is honoring her needs and wants, to live a life that is true to herself. She is responsible for herself, just as you – and all the men commenting here – are responsible for yourselves. A marriage doesn’t guarantee a life-long commitment (nor should it) — people are allowed to grow and evolve. It’s part of what makes the human experience as wonderful as it is. If you aren’t evolving at the same rate, find a therapist. Try a new hobby. Do the work to emotionally keep up.
I also disagree with the sentiment that women are tearing apart families when they honor their needs and leave an unsatisfying partnership. I would rather teach my (future) children the importance of being true to themselves than the value of a promise made to someone they are not ultimately responsible for.
Believe in the magic of life. When one door closes, if you do the work, another one will surely open. Stop blaming your wife (and women in general) and live for YOU.
(Note I would give the exact same advice to a woman if the roles were reversed)
Another betrayed
No truer words have ever been said brother. I, like you was a good husband but after 17 years I got the “I’m not happy” and the ” I love you but I’m not in love with you” and the ” I need to be alone to find myself” speeches. No signs. No communication. No warning. Gave her everything from when she couldn’t afford a gallon of milk at the end of the week to the beautiful home and life she enjoys today. I would have given my life for her or her son that I raised as my own since he was two years old. Turns out she was having an affair with a married coworker and threw away a lifetime together to be with him. Destroying his family and three young kids as well. Big surprise. Woman today are a joke. The epitome of selfishness. Though I must admit I enjoy banging woman 20 years younger than me and using them and treating them like the selfish people that they are. I would have given anything to save my family. ANYTHING.
Strife
after reading all this? WHY GET MARRIED? honestly !!!! ( just my view) you stand to lose your house , your wife and MORE IMPORTANT the KIDS You have with that person. Im looking at marriage saying to why would i open myself to so much RISK??? as im reaching my mid 30’s im really asking myself why should i get married? Its like people treat it like dating. If you going to change your mind later ( hey its a free country do what you want ) why do it in the first place??? Honestly i look at the relationships ive seen the failed marriages around me …… i see no reason to really consider it anymore. My friend got divorced and his wife moved to cali ( other side of the country ) she took his kids / put alimony and child support on him he forced to the sell the house. ( he wasnt perfect but i know he tried to make it work with her …… he come talk about the problems with me). I remember seeing him lose everything in one fair swing like that …… he didnt have to say it but i know had to stay on top of the guy. (He told me he thought about killing himself) ………….its just one example i see all this and WHY would anyone want to open themselves to all the risk? and Women too i see my some of my other friends there cheating on there wives left and right ………. once again why get married then??
Anita
It was nice reading the different opinions people have on this. I think guilt is a very personal issue for each individual. Some may feel it and some may not. But, if either one is not happy in the relationship, eventually the other one will also realize it. They may either work out a solution or split. Irrespective, if one acted on one’s own unhappiness in a relation, one should not feel guilty about it. That’s my opinion. But I know guilt does not always work that way.
B
This is for the confused men on here. First of all, I know you are hurt, and I’m sorry you are stumped. I have a husband who, were this 1950, is great on paper. He works and I don’t have to do anything but raise our kid. However… my job was my life before a baby, and I agreed to having one only because he promised we would go in 50/50. But no, it was almost all me in the end who takes care of our kid. I love my job, he hates his… why did I have to give up my so much of my life? I almost died giving birth and he had the nerve to call me crazy when I was dealing with ppd and ptsd from the birth. I was always sleep deprived because he would keep the baby up late and never help get her to sleep. I had medical issues with breastfeeding and lost 65 lbs within the first year of having a baby, almost got pneumonia, started having panic attacks for the first time in my life… it was a lot. I was going through a rough time because giving birth (in labor for three days!) put my body through hell, and he was not there for me. He never talked to me or helped me, his family never offered to take care of our child so I could rest (my family lives across the world). I felt so neglected. No he did not beat me, yes he earned money, yes he did the dishes and played with our daughter. But he will walk out of a room while I am talking to him, he has talked about his future and forgotten to even mention me in his little scenarios. We have not kissed in years, we had sex last when we conceived in 2017 (and for the sake of conceiving). I have told him I’m lonely, I’m stressed, and I miss working. He pays for a studio space for me to work but called my job (that can sometimes earn as much as he does…) a “hobby” and would not watch our child enough for me to get any real work done. He gives me money instead of emotional support.
Sex has never been good. I tried to end the marriage a few years ago when he went through a midlife crisis a decade too early after dragging me to a new city where I knew nobody. We moved, he played video games all day and would not look for a job. He had suddenly changed. I cheated, he did not, but I cheated after two years of being stonewalled, him refusing to talk or see a counselor with me, him punching holes in our walls and stumbling home drunk with missing credit cards. He never hit me, he just pretended I didn’t exist. It was only after I cheated and told him, and then asked for a divorce, that he suddenly took an interest in saving our marriage. And he did change. He went to night school to get certification to get a good job. We became friends again (sex was still bad) and we were flirty and had fun with each other again. Even if the sex was blah, everything else was okay. But then the baby came, and he suddenly decided to become a bodybuilder (out of nowhere, a brand new hobby, while I am struggling every day). He focused on working out and restricted his diet so much he was irritable all the time. I honestly didn’t think he loved me anymore, and anytime I tried to talk to him he got defensive and mean, and then ran off to do pull-ups in a park somewhere while I tried to get our baby to sleep. He made a very major mistake in April and I realized I just didn’t really care anymore. I didn’t want to try. I told him I hadn’t cheated this time, but we were headed for a divorce if things did not change.
So men, you can read this and probably see there were mistakes made, on both sides, but here my husband said something that has been said in previous comments. He was blindsided, he thought he had been a great husband and father. He said he never noticed I was lonely or how stressed I was, even though I had bluntly told him many many times, and I was physically a different person from all the stress (65 lbs in a year? Effortlessly lost? Come on, man). He was shocked to hear that other men had shown interest in me, I guess because he does not find me attractive (I would not know, he never says he thinks I am and he was never interested in sleeping with me… I felt more like a prostitute than a wife the few times we did have sex). He said he loved me, and to me that was shocking. I thought I was telling him “Clearly we both are only in this marriage still because of our child,” but nope. He says he’s satisfied. Now I’m the one who is baffled. I think because he has a life outside of this home (his job) and I do not, he doesn’t focus as hard on all our failings as I do. I can tell I am no longer in love with him, because he hurt me by neglecting me when I needed someone to hold my hand through the hardest year of my life after giving birth. He thought “I don’t drink anymore, I don’t cheat, I don’t stay out with friends, and I make good money… what am I doing wrong?” Well, he comes home from work, never asks me how my day is. Just eats what I cook and plays his video games. I may as well be the nanny.
When I realized I have been miserable as many years as I have been happy in this marriage, I started to pull away emotionally. I’m just so tired. Yes, I have started talking to another man, and there is flirting. I don’t expect it to go very far, but it is the start of an emotional affair. It is not what made me decide to think about divorce, no no. My complete misery did that. I am trying to decide to stay in this marriage for my kid or to move back to my home country and completely start a new life, and it is scary. I want my child to have her father in her life, and I want him as a friend. But I fear I will resent him (I already do, since he gets to work and I do not) and hate him, which I do not want, unless I leave. It’s very scary. But it is also really scary to think if I ever get cancer, will my husband do what he did to me after I gave birth and treat me as an afterthought? I would be at his beck and call if he ever got sick, but with me… I think he would just go to work and come home, eat dinner, and play video games. The usual. I don’t think I want to grow old with this guy anymore, and I have to decide what to do, and if I want to be selfish or if I want to stay miserable for our child. Will he neglect her as she gets older? He’s never been a big talker and I can’t imagine him handling a teenage girl very well.
These are my thoughts. I want to have sex, and it be pleasurable. I want a man to appreciate me. I want a man who when I ask “how was work?” will actually answer me. I just want to feel needed and like I have a companion again. We were happy before we moved to his hometown, if not a perfect marriage, I was content. I was still working, but when we were together we were actually together. Now we are just happen to share a child. I don’t hate him, but I hate that I sacrificed everything for his child and he won’t even hug me after a long day.
Eric
Men. Do not get married. It is not worth it!!!
John Grey
I did not realise that so many women feel this way about their husbands after many years. I’m going through divorce now and my wife completely took me by surprise. 2 days before we made passionate love (what I thought) on my birthday and writes in my birthday card ‘you are 1 in 5 billion
John Grey
This is the 2nd time that I’ve come across this site and it gives me a little bit of relief. I have been married for years but this marriage just seems so off. I married at 21 to my husband that was 20 at the time. I am active duty military and I’m pretty sure most people know that most military marriages fail.