People engage in online dating with different goals. For some, it’s about finding a long-term partner; for others it’s about casual connections. Some people do it for a little validation or to have conversations with strangers to feel less alone. All of these reasons are valid, and they might apply to you at different points in your online dating journey. But I want to talk about how to be successful in online dating, because there is a lot of frustration that goes along with swiping.
Here are 5 Tips to being successful in online dating:
Number 1: A Strong Profile
Think about the care you put into perfecting your resume before you begin job hunting. The stakes are just as high with your dating app profile—you’re not just looking for a job you’ll spend the next few years in, you’re looking for a relationship you’ll hopefully spend the rest of your life in! It’s worth taking the time to do it right.
That means: your profile needs to look polished and complete. Don’t leave bios blank or use fewer than the called for photos. Actually take the time to learn what makes for an arresting photo or a unique bio. All this information is available on the internet, and it is worth one or two hours of your time to do that homework.
If you want to spend even less time and receive all that information in a succinct, curated packet, I’ve put everything you need to know to make a stand-out dating profile together into the DIY Profile Kit. It’ll give you clear, straightforward guidance and examples, and walk you step-by-step through building the perfect profile, no guesswork required.
And as a follower of Divorced Girl Smiling, I’m giving it to you here for 15% off.
Number 2: Consistency
Great, now you have a fabulous profile—your work here is done!
….not quite :)Dating app algorithms reward consistency. You don’t need to spend tons of time on them every day (in fact, you shouldn’t or you’ll burn out), but you do need to spend 5-10 minutes every day to send some likes, check who’s liked you, match with anyone you’re interested in, and respond to any pending messages.
When you’re a consistent user like this, the dating apps will prioritize showing you profiles of people who are also consistent users, aka people who are regularly messaging and going on dates. If, on the other hand, you only log in once a week and are slow to respond to messages, you’ll be shown profiles of people who act the same way. The odds of you getting matches goes way, way down. And the odds of those matches turning into dates? Almost zero.So set a daily alert to spend those 5-10 minutes on your app. If you miss a day or two, no big deal! But if you’re in a busy phase of life where you’re only going to check your apps a couple times a month, you might want to pause your profile for now.
3. Follow Through
Swiping and matching is the easy part. It’s conversing—and especially starting the conversation—where people can get a little stuck.
If you have a ton of matches, that’s a great ego boost… but it won’t get you any results unless you keep following through with them.Here’s my best advice: the moment you match with someone, start the conversation. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to come back to it later, because chances are, you won’t. (Or your match might think “They matched with me, but they don’t actually want to talk to me?” and proceed to unmatch you because they think it’s rude.)
The best conversation starters include something specific to the person’s profile. Ask a question about something that intrigues you, share a comment or anecdote about something you noticed you have in common—anything that shows you want to learn more about that person specifically.
But if you’re not feeling particularly inspired, I’ve got you covered. The major thing you don’t want to do is ask anything generic, like “How’s your day going?” or “What are you up to this weekend?” Those types of questions telegraph that you’re not making an effort, and it’s pretty rare for that to lead to anything more than dull small talk.
My team and I wrote a list of 40 truly irresistible icebreakers that lead to interesting, engaging, and one-of-a-kind conversations. They’re included in the DIY Profile Kit, and they’ll take you from a successful swiper to a sought-after catch.
4. Ask Them Out
If you’ve read this far, I know that you’re on the apps to find a lasting relationship… not to find a penpal.
It can be tempting to message and message with a match. You tell yourself it’s to determine if you get along well enough to make it worth your time to meet in person, but in reality, you’ll spend far more time crafting the perfect messages than you would grabbing coffee for an hour.
And 9 times out of 10, you’ll also build up false intimacy and expectations of the person. When you finally meet in person and their voice isn’t the one you were hearing in your head, or it turns out their humor is different from how you were interpreting it in messages, you’re going to wind up disappointed.
Luckily, there’s one extremely easy way to avoid all this!
Ask them out.
Your gender doesn’t matter—there’s no such thing anymore as needing to wait for the guy to ask out the girl. Once you’ve had a minimum of 4 or 5 back-and-forths (and no more than around 10-15), it’s time to move the conversation to real life.
Here’s the script: “I’d love to hear even more about [insert thing you were messaging about] – would you be free for coffee or a glass of wine early next week?”
It’s easy and breezy, and it gets you one step closer to the ultimate goal: a real-life partner.Or, if you’re a woman looking for a male partner, and are a bit more traditional and don’t feel comfortable asking them out, saying that you’d be interested in meeting encourages them to do the asking. For example:
“I’d love to take this conversation in person and get to know you better.”
That is very clear cut that you want to be asked out.
5. Be Open-Minded
Here’s the final, vitally important step on the journey to finding your perfect partner: when you go on that in-person date, be open-minded.
We’ve all seen enough rom coms that we’ve trained ourselves to look for a “spark” or “chemistry” on a first date.
The real secret is that for the vast majority of couples I know (myself included!), that didn’t happen.
What they did feel was more like a seed. They felt there could be a potential friendship to cultivate with the person, and that going on a second date would be like sprinkling some water on the seed. Maybe it would grow, maybe it wouldn’t. But there was some fundamental goodness there, even if it wasn’t electric off the bat.
The person sitting across from you on a first date might not fit the exact image you had for yourself of your “perfect person” (in fact, they almost certainly won’t!), but that’s not what you need to evaluate. At the end of the date, you only need to ask yourself two things:
1. Could I be friends with this person?
2. Would I like to see them one more time?
We take a deeper look at all five of these steps in my Mindful Dating 101 course, in particular getting into the psychology of dating expectations and the work you need to do on yourself in order to be receptive to the people who make the best partners in the end. If your dating life feels stagnant and you’re ready to actually commit to the work it takes to undo the wrong lessons you’ve learned and take an active rather than passive role in your dating life, I strongly encourage you to check it out. And again as a DGS follower, you can take 15% off with code DGS15.
But at your basic core: don’t compromise on fundamentals like kindness or honesty, but keep a true open mind about everything else. If you do, I promise you: your success story is right around the corner.
Like this article? Check out “What is Love Bombing? Tips from a Dating Coach”
