Want to know how to get over a divorce? I have some advice. When I was first getting divorced, I was depressed. I was sad, I was scared, but mostly I was angry. ‘Why did this happen to me?’ and ‘It’s not fair’ were constantly going through my mind. I felt like somehow I was terribly wronged. By everyone. Occasionally, I found myself with a “Whoa is me… Feel sorry for me” attitude. “I’m a single mom. Finances are tight…I’m alone…”
After some time went by, I started to realize something: focusing on being angry, bitter, sad, and wronged wasn’t helping anything. In fact, it was hurting me. That mindset was holding me back from getting over the divorce. What I realized was, I was acting like a victim.
The word victim means “somebody hurt or killed or harmed or duped.” So, according to that definition, is everyone who gets divorced a victim? The answer, in my opinion is yes, you are a victim. You are hurt, you’ve been harmed. You have been lied to or cheated on or treated badly or called names or dumped or ignored or humiliated or not respected.
Because you are a victim, I think it’s normal, healthy even, to grieve, feel angry, and feel sorry for yourself FOR A LITTLE WHILE. But if you truly want to know how to get over a divorce, playing the victim needs to stop. There comes a time when you pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off and start your new life with a completely different mindset.
I’m not trying to make getting over a divorce sound simple or easy. It’s not. But, you have two choices:
One, play the victim and blame everyone else for the rest of your life, or two, brush victimhood to the side, go out and grab the life you want.
I recently got an email from a reader with three young children whose husband left her for another woman.
“I just put my house on the market and I can’t pay my bills,” she wrote. “I’m really scared. I hate that man so much, I wish he was dead! I can’t believe he did this to me. Because of him I haven’t worked in 10 years, and now I can’t find a job. No one wants to hire me. I hope he and his new wife burn in hell.”
I wrote the woman back, telling her I was really sorry about her situation. I then asked her what field she was in before she stopped working.
She wrote back, “I was a financial advisor and was really successful. I quit because the fucker wanted me to be a stay at home mom. I gave up everything for him.”
I wrote her back and said, “It must be very frustrating and I feel terrible for you. That said, let me help you. It sounds like you need a job. Tell me more specifically what you’d like to do, and I will connect you with some people in the industry. I have over 1000 Linkedin contacts and I can put out some feelers for you.”
Do you know what her response was? Not, “Thank you so much! I would like to get back into the industry….” Or “Let me get my resume together and I’ll be in touch.”
Instead, she wrote back, “Do you know he has over a million dollars in his savings account? He’s living in this huge house, enjoying a great life, and supporting the woman’s son, while I can’t even pay my mortgage!”
She never even acknowledged my offer. In other words, discussing going back to work and supporting herself wasn’t as important to her as continuing to express blame and her hatred for him. Clearly, she is still in victim mode.
The woman is clearly not ready to see how to get over a divorce by ceasing to playing the victim. I wish I could put a magic spell on her so she would say, “Okay, what happened to me is painful and awful and heartbreaking, and it wasn’t fair at all, but now it’s time to take action. I have three healthy children who love me, I’m a great person, I have the ability to be successful professionally, and if I have the guts to put myself out there, my opportunities are endless, both professionally and personally.”
I’m not saying that is easy, or that that happens a week after someone leaves you. But if you want to be happy, and you want to get over the divorce, it has to happen at some point.
This woman’s sole focus is on her ex-husband (who don’t get me wrong, I would love to punch in the face) but she’s all about wanting people to feel sorry for her and hate her ex-husband when she could be getting herself together and making plans for her future. She doesn’t realize that when she stops acting like a victim, doors will open up.
I want to add that I know how hard it is, not only to figure out a career that works with kids, but to get in the door of any company after not working for a long stretch of time. I have been there. Before I got my job, I had so many rejection emails I couldn’t even count them all. It’s hard, but you have to be persistent and strong and display perseverance. That’s just the way it is. It’s always been that way.
Here’s the scariest part about playing the victim:
People who don’t get out of that mindset end up miserable for the rest of their lives, and never truly get over the divorce. Not playing the victim is the difference between a hard, unfulfilling life and a life of peace and joy. I swear by that.
I know a woman who has played the victim for 45 years. She is still blaming her ex-husband for everything in her life that isn’t going well (which is everything.) She never got over the hatred, the bitterness and blaming her ex husband for leaving her, so she made bad choices. Her victim mentality was stronger than her self love, and therefore she could never prosper professionally or in personal relationships.
I think it’s understandable to play the victim for a little while. But at some point, it not only becomes unproductive, but it will destroy you, and it will ruin you (and the kids.)
The opposite of “victim” is “criminal” or “culprit” so I don’t want to tell people to be the opposite of a victim. But, in a sense, yes, be the opposite. Be the culprit (which technically means “the accused person.”) Be accused of pursuing your dreams, finding things you love to do, having as much fun with your children as you possibly can.
Be accused of going out on dates, traveling too much, smiling excessively and finding love again. You’re only a victim until you decide you’re not one anymore. That is how to get over a divorce.
Like this article? Check out, “How to Stop Being Angry about Divorce”
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kelly
Jackie, this is so good. Thank you. Thank you! It can be so hard to stop the blaming and victim feelings, but you are right. I believe it could possibly be the Big Reason you never get over your divorce, and end up carrying the pain with you everywhere you go–your new relationship, your job, your friendships, and most importantly, your childrens’ lives. Even if you have a legit reason to be angry, the cliche is true–the anger only hurts you, not your ex. Your ex has moved on and isn’t even thinking about any of this! Grieve, by all means. Grieve so fully that you squeeze every drop out of it, then you won’t have to carry it with you. But there comes a time (and not moment too soon), that the victim games wears itself out. You’ll know when even YOU are tired of hearing about ‘him’ yourself. Do yourself (and everyone else) a favor–acknowlege what has happened and let it go. Life is going on with or without you. Might as well join in.
Jackie Pilossoph
I love this response so much!!! thank you!
Denise Williamson
What advice do you have for me? I left my verbally abusive husband of18 years 11months, 7 months ago, now going thru divorce, I left him the house, newest car, all assets except my retirement, I took the car debt and credit card debt, now he wants 1,100 a month alimony because I make more then he does. Our 18 yr old son lives with me and I am supporting him and paying for his education, having to pay this much alimony will make it almost impossible to buy a home for quite some time. I am very very angry. I worked my ass off all those years. And now he’s screwing me again
Jackie Pilossoph
Hi,
I’m really really sorry you are going through this. Please take my comments as I write them to the masses. I completely understand how frustrated you are. I really do. I don’t know if i can give you advice, but make sure you trust your attorney, because that doesn’t really sound right. Also, try to focus on the fact that you don’t have to be with an abusive husband anymore. Doesn’t that feel good?? Many women would have been too afraid and stayed in the marriage unhappily for life. right?
Carrie
I played the victim during the marriage towards the end. Crying all the time. I guess I was hoping for pity from him? Who knows. All this horrible stuff was coming my way and I was angry. He sure was a mean SOB though (but successful in business so unfortunately I was the only one who *GASP* suggested he may not be perfect). We had a lot in common though so the relationship did have its great times. But ultimately it was this one thing in particular that we had in common that tore us apart…..we both lived to make HIM happy. I gave up everything to be with him. There was certainly no part of “me” that fit into his life that I found my self living. Did I mentioned he was a mean SOB?
It’s only been a couple of months and I’m feeling better, stronger, and there are even days where I’m authentically HAPPY (not just faking it). Isn’t that something? I gave up everything for my ex to be with him. EVERYTHING. But you know what? By doing that I was able to start FRESH. For the first time in my life at 41 years old I am FRESH. I have no debts. No restrictions. My son is in his 3rd year of college and doing great. For the first time in my adult life I am able to be ME. WHAT A GIFT! Thanks SOB for allowing me to become a more enlightened individual. Because the reality is this. He took my world, turned it upside down, stomped the ever living crap out of it until all that was left was the faint flicker of my soul. It took me a good long while to dig deep enough and sit in silence long enough to realize that was what my life needed. I am pretty head strong and no amount of politeness would have taken me to the point I am at now. Tough pill to swallow but it’s true. Even before “he” came along my life was chaos. That’s the reality. And today, I take full responsibility for everything. I walked right up to it, invited it and hell I even begged for it at times. He didn’t do one thing I didn’t allow him to do.
This all being said. THANK YOU for your time and efforts in creating this site, blog, and having the strength and courage to expose yourself and the creativity and intelligence to do in a funny yet pointed and sincere way.
Katrina
I’m right there now. 18 months since the split. Divorce papers on the desk. And I’m stuck in the victim role. for very good reason. I’ve read your words, and the comments from others. My question is How do I stop? I know that I have to but I’m struggling with how to do it. If you have any practical suggestions I would welcome those very much. I have a new partner, a good job and support my kids financially. thanks
Knyiesha
I hate his new wife…. I blame her. I don’t know how to allow myself to let go. I’ve tried therapy. I just don’t know. I commend each of you who has been able to move on. What help is there for me? Its all her fault he left us, his family. Two years and still sad. What now?
Jackie Pilossoph
Read this a hundred times: IT’S NOT HER FAULT, IT”S HIS FAULT! HE did it. Not her. Women will always flirt with men. Men will always flirt with women. it’s human nature. He made a decision to cheat and leave. NOT HER. I’m not saying she’s a saint. trust me. But stop blaming her, because without knowing anything else, i can tell you, if it wasn’t her, it might have been another woman. There was a disconnect somewhere with him. Every day that you don’t move on, you are wasting a precious day of life. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, “How am I going to get to a good place?” You have ALL the control. I will be rooting for you. xoxo
Melanie
Bitterness, behaving like a victim and thoughts of hatred will only do one thing.
Make you unable to move on.
I look at it now as “He actually did me a favor”..I knew it was over two years before he had an affair. I was just angry that I was to lazy to get out of this marriage, but thought about the kids.
Guess what….the kids are marvelous…just fine. Should’ve just followed my instinct right when I knew something was wrong. After 4 years I am in a very different relation ship that is mutually fulfilling and loving every little bit of it.
Also…what a lot of folks don’t understand is that your mate is not responsible to make YOU happy….you need to be happy on your own first, before you can be happy with someone else.
Just my 2 cents of finally attained love and relationship wisdom.
Jackie Pilossoph
love it. thank you!
B Byram
I enjoyed reading your article, and wholehearted agree with what you are saying, as a “survivor” of a terrible divorce myself.But I did find it somewhat simplistic to say, “don’t worry, be happy.”
I feel I had to say that having a ‘non-victim’ mentality is harder if the rich ex won’t leave you alone, and keeps coming back and coming back with litigation after litigation even AFTER A LONG DIVORCE. There is a type of man, who is not content with just getting everything. He wants to destroy you, and has the means to do it. And every time you get that job, or persevere and get your life together. he is there like a horrible specter, taking more and more, taking your friends to court who support you, trying to take away the kids, discrediting you for years in the small community where you live, etc. This becomes an almost impossible scenario to beat, because you are recovering, and trying to gain new momentum to your life over and over again. Your only money for lawyers used up long ago- maybe you are STILL paying off old attorney fees from your divorce.
This type of narcissistic “I must destroy her” behavior has sadly been my experience, and is more common than you think. As brave as I want to be, it becomes harder and harder to resurface after each bout. Also, any woman who has lived with an abusive ex, be it emotional or physical, gets a kind of PTSD with the ex, and the mere sound of his voice, and the smell of his expensive aftershave brings her tremblingly back to all the old memories. Now he comes for a Modification of the Divorce Decree, and for full custody of the two children. I have no more money for attorneys- the option, as far as “not being a victim” and not putting myself through a pro se experience, is to walk away from my kids. It is hard to maintain a positive attitude through this, especially in the face of parental alienation and the hatred for the parent being more than the love for the children.
Chas
Totally agree. Its his mission to take every single thing I ever loved and will not stop until he wins. I am sometimes afraid something very bad will happen to one of us if he doesn’t stop. And the homewrecker right beside him, pushing and pushing…
Catb
I so needed to read this today! Thank you, thank you!!
Dor
Great article, playing the victim and being the victim. Yes, being the victim is true but we can only keep saying that for so long. I too gave up my nursing career for his career in finance . I lived in France for 21/2 years while he chose to work there. I traveled back and forth from state to state as jobs moved and companies merged. I had and raised 2 great kids, my biggest achievement in life. I’m slowly letting go of the victim card and accepting that life is unfair and learn and move on.
CAB
I’m going to have to come back and read this over and over and over again and all the wonderful comments that these ladies wrote here.
It’s a long story, but I got totally screwed by my divorce and at age 60, I am working every single day, I haven’t had a vacation in five years.
Meanwhile, my ex, is constantly traveling…on vacation, really living the highlife! I don’t want to put to find a point on it, but it’s like he’s constantly on vacation.
I am so incredibly angry, and I think it’s so incredibly unfair – What happened to me.
And the only plus to my story is that he was abusive, and I can only say that I don’t have to put up with it anymore.
But, the fact is, I will run out of money, and I don’t want to be homeless.
My son says I play the victim, which I think is really unfair because he knows the whole story.
He is in his mid-20s. And she’s only response to me is life so unfair, didn’t you know that?
He has no sympathy for me.
And I do need to stop playing the victim, because ultimately if I had 10 lives, and I wanted to play the victim in this one, it would be OK, but it’s not productive, it doesn’t move the ball forward, sitting around feeling bad for myself 24 seven just as a waste of time.
Anyway, I just want to thank everyone here.
Danielle
Last night, a friend pointed out that I may be playing the victim, so here I am, realizing he’s right. I’m afraid to move on, scared to make decisions, blaming my stbx and staying comfortable in my misery. Because I have for years!! I want the World to know that my ”Mr. Perfect” wasn’t so perfect after all, with his lying and cheating. But am I gonna do that the rest of my life? NO! I want the World to know I am damn strong for coming out of this even more than a survivor. I want to be successful (I also felt I gave up my life and happiness for his success and happiness), full of positivity, have that adventurous life, be admired, be the person people want to be around. And right now, that ain’t happening if I focus on blaming him. I’m in the middle of this messy divorce process that he keeps delaying but I need to figure out MY life, get control, and move on.
Elizabeth
Hard to stop being the victim, when the ex blames you for the divorce yet he’s the one cheated with my very good friend. Living in a small town and they act like nothing in wrong. Therapy, books, meditation-I’m doing it all, and then wham he makes me feel like crap again because I never appreciated him, made him feel replaceable and I’m not empathetic. Feel like I can’t win and I need to get it together for my 2 girls. How does he just love someone weeks after I kicked him out? I can’t stand him or her.