It’s pretty common for a recently separated woman to drop at least 10 pounds pretty quickly. Think about it. She gets upset and is unable to eat frequently, she’s stressed about the unknown, the attorney fees, and how her children are doing. She might be thinking she has to go back to work. She doesn’t know if she can stay in the home or if she’s going to have to sell it. She’s sad at times, cries a lot, and worries a lot. And lastly, the recently separated woman is dating again. Who has time for food?!
So, how do you feel when you drop 10 pounds? Some people would say they feel confident, sexy, that they love the feeling of their clothes fitting so much better. Some might say they see themselves as being more attractive, right? You would think.
But, let me take you into the mind of the recently separated 40 something woman. Being someone who lost about 10 pounds right off the bat, I felt anything but pretty and sexy and confident. The weight loss didn’t mean anything. But weight is just the tip of the iceberg.
When I got separated, I temporarily became a person who doesn’t define who I really am. I was beyond insecure. I had thoughts like, ‘I’m 41. Who is going to want me?’ I looked in the mirror one day and I felt really, really old and tired. I felt like a failure. I didn’t feel like I was attractive on the inside or outside. I had also gone out on one date with a guy who basically never called me back after. That was like a punch in the stomach.
Here are some other reasons why I had zero self-esteem at the time:
1. I was a stay at home mom:
I hadn’t worked in 6 years. I had no self-esteem when it came to my professional ability, and figured the only skills I had now were diaper changing, bottle feeding and house cleaning. I was very stressed because I now had to think about what I was going to do for work, with no current computer skills and no belief in myself.
2. I was coming out of a toxic situation:
I think when two people are in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage, (which could be for years) both are losing self-worth every minute they stay together. Why? Because you are around this person constantly who you think can’t stand you, or who is belittling you, who doesn’t respect you, who isn’t kind to you, or who you know doesn’t want to be with you anymore, or who is condescending, or mean and angry.
Or, maybe you are the one who wants out of the marriage. Maybe you feel guilty (which you should absolutely not) and therefore lack self-love because of that. Being in such a volatile and unhealthy relationship had really taken a toll on how I felt about myself.
3. Hello 40’s:
This might apply to any woman, married or divorced, but it’s hard to ignore the number 40. It didn’t matter how skinny I was, I was the big 4-1. I was officially “middle aged” and in need of Botox and eye glass “readers.” Why would someone want me when they could have one of the million 30 year olds living in the city?
4. I felt like a failure:
I managed to screw up the most serious relationship I ever had. That made me feel like a failure. I couldn’t even manage to save my marriage for the sake of my two very young children. I also felt selfish. There’s a lot of guilt and self-hatred that goes with getting divorced, and I wish I could tell people feeling that way how unproductive and unjustified those emotions are.
When I was recently separated, I was sitting around one night and I got a call from a friend of mine, asking me to meet her, her husband and “some of his work buddies” at a local bar. My kids were on vacation with my ex, so I had no child care issues. Something made me accept.
Upstairs I went, searching for a cute outfit. I walked out the door in a pair of jeans that I probably couldn’t get one leg into today, and a sleeveless top that showed off my slim (at the time) arms.
When I walked into the bar, my friend came rushing over to me. I realized that we were the only two girls at the place. One of her husband’s co-workers came up and started talking to me. He was not attractive, and I felt like he approached me because he was curious to talk to “the divorced woman.”
A few minutes later, another man approached me. My heart stopped when I saw him because he was seriously drop dead gorgeous. He was at least 10 years younger than me. He introduced himself with a huge grin that almost gave me a heart attack.
The two of us ended up talking for the next two hours. What was funny about the whole night was, it never occurred to me that he was interested in me. My low self-esteem had caused me to give up any possible notion that he or anyone else would find me attractive. I seriously just thought he thought I was interesting and nice. He was having a good time talking to the “divorced lady.”
He walked me to my car and then asked if he could get in.
“Uh…sure…” I said, seriously still not getting the fact that he liked me.
Then, he leaned over and kissed me. We kissed for a few minutes and then he asked me for my phone number.
I think my drive home that night was the turning point in my newly separated life. In a few short hours, I’d gone from thinking my romantic opportunities were over to realizing that a new part of my life was just beginning.
Because of the first guy I dated, I was really scared this guy wouldn’t call. But he did. We ended up dating for a few months. I was a newly separated divorced woman who had gone from hopeless, insecure and timid to confident, poised and ready to face the world as an older version of my best self.
I’m not saying that meeting a man will be the catalyst in going from an insecure newly separated woman to a confident, self-assured, happy one. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Rather, there will be something or someone who will jolt you out of your fragile state and make you realize the new life you have ahead of you.
That could be a job offer, a new platonic friend, a new passion–volunteer work or your job or a hobby, and you can’t sit around waiting for them. My advice is, just start doing things, trying new things, NOT saying no to plans, and things will begin to change. You will have moments of empowerment you didn’t think were in you, and you just begin to get stronger and have more belief in yourself. It’s actually a very wonderful experience.
I know it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to happen, and I know the tears will continue to come, but that’s all part of the journey. Eventually, the tears will be less and less and these moments of joy and empowerment will come more and more. I’ve seen enough newly separated women to know how this works, and I wish that for you, as well. Believe in God, believe in yourself, no matter what.
Like this article? Check out, “Dating after Divorce at 40: 13 Ways You Know He’s Loyal and Loving You”
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Emi
I wish I was a person who lost weight under stress! I gained 10 pounds right away and they still haven’t come off. (I also felt less pressure to be “perfect” to keep my husband’s “attention” which was negligible.) You so nailed all those feelings of toxicity, self doubt, insecurity, hopelessness. Divorce is a massive karmic kick. Even though I’m in a wonderful and healthy relationship now I still continue to question myself. Part of the continued heartbreak, but a small price to pay for the rewards of a refreshing new love that suits me so much better. There’s no end to the joy of being with a partner who meets those needs that were unmet for so long. He accepts me and wants me muffin top and all. 🙂
Jackie Pilossoph
Emi, you’re adorable! I’m so glad you are happy
Hannah
I separated at 40 and almost divorced at 42. I had high hopes for enjoying dating despite my ex leaving me for another woman and introducing her to our kids while we were still living under the same roof. However the reality has been harsh. I have been chatted up by men who have told me they will sleep with me for money, or who have just wanted a text relationship but nothing physical or by short 60 year old men. Men see me as à money fountain or just past my prime. Every decent age appropriate guy is not into me. I am tall and thin, too flat chested but felt really beautiful inside and out but my inner flame is dying. Sex and love or any kind of intimacy are denied to me at such a young age. I live in France maybe that is why it is so tough as very few men over 5ft6 . I hope life will give me some live back but it’s not looking good. Seems I will have to get used to this.
Jackie Pilossoph
Please don’t let your flame die. You sound like a wonderful person whose time to meet her prince just hasn’t come yet. It’s very hard to be patient but please keep trying. He is out there. I promise!! Here–this will make you feel good. Let’s say you have to meet 75 men before a good one comes along. All those jerks are a good thing because they are helping you count down to the good guy! Please don’t lose hope. You deserve to have love.
Ronnie McCarty
How about a tall,thin 23yr old
Graham Jackson
Hi.
Just found your blog, and I must admit that it’s both amusing and interesting. Being divorced myself, and currently single having had a year long relationship with a girlfriend ended. I find your blog refreshing.
Believe me as a red blooded male. Forty something women are the sexiest, most confident, and fun women I have ever met. And if I’m honest, more ‘fanciable’ than any twenty something year old girl. Just a shame I can’t find another one to love!
Keep smiling.
mikey
Great blog!
I agree with Graham, women in their 40s are more attractive in some ways then women in their 30s. Why?
1) Well, you aren’t on the ‘Oh my God I’m xx years old and need to get married and have kids!’ quest. Nothing is as unattractive as desparation.
2) They know what they want.
3) They aren’t afraid to ask for it.
4) They value men who are financially and emotionally stable instead of those with rock-hard abs and a lot of glitter.
5) They are absolutely giddy at the prospect of a night out without the kids and someone who makes it all about them…
Christy
Mikey you are fabulous!
Margaret
I turned 40 about three weeks after my divorce was final, which was about five months ago. I can certainly appreciate the thoughts and comments because they have all popped up in my head over the last year. As lonely as it can be, I do enjoy the quiet “me” time (my dog keeps me company)….I guess I will know when it’s time to get back on the saddle again, lol! Truth be told, I always think, “who wants to date a 40 year-old woman who is divorced”….but I know there is someone out there for me, yet! 🙂
Patty Wolf
Your article is so timely! I just cleaned out my closet and came across a pair of jeans I bought about six months into my divorce. I tried them on and could barely zip them. I remember during the first year of my divorce (oh yes, it took three years!) the pounds melting off and not having any idea how it was happening. Now that I’m happily remarried I’m back to my normal size and would never want to go back to my unhealthy divorce state of health. But I must admit it was fun being “skinny” during that time but all the stess that went along with it was not worth one lost pound! I so enjoy reading your blog. Keep the articles coming!!
Jackie Pilossoph
You crack me up!! You look awesome.
Nicole
I WISH I dropped pounds after getting divorced!!! I’m one of the lucky ones that gains weight in stressful situations. Yay me! 🙂
I turn 40 this year, and thankfully I see it as an amazing chance for a brand new beginning. Maybe I’ll actually… start living the life of my dreams? I’m thinking for my 40th birthday I should do a sexy lingerie shoot. I better get cracking on my eating healthier goal!
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s been five years since I’ve been divorced, and I still haven’t dated. It might be time to make the jump. I just need to be reminded (by reading stories about women like you) that 40 is still very much a sexy and desirable age. 🙂
Lisa
I absolutely love these blogs. I am newly separated – 3 months – and this gives me hope throughout my loneliness. I’m in my mid-thirties and moved back to my hometown which is quite small. I’m finding it difficult to get myself out there and ‘social’ because of the toxic self image I’ve been toting around. Reading this blog helps me to take the healthy steps to breakout! I too lost about 10 pounds during the first two weeks….the Christmas holidays have assisted in putting about 8 pounds back into place though. I know I have a long way to go to get to the shining light at the end of the tunnel but this blog gives me hope and makes me feel warm.
Thanks & please keep writing & sharing!
Jackie Pilossoph
Thank you for this lovely comment. Nothing is more motivating to me than when i know I’m helping someone. You’re going to be great! Just keep making good decisions and have patience. Best wishes for a joyous New Year!!
Simone
Hello all….
I kept meaning to start a blog like this…but never did! its perfect so hits on all the feelings you get and dont necessarily know are going to hit you! Its one thing needing to break away and be free but time and disappointment and yes most definitely guilg towards children for it not working out for them do hit home….yay im not alone in all this…thats another set of feelings…feeling alone….someone out there for all of us and i hope me….!
TheForgottenOne
Here is a perspective from the opposite side: Inside the mind of a recently separated 40 something man.
1) I was the sole provider for my family and while my stbx has plenty of education and plenty of employable skills she was practically unemployable for most of our marriage. As a result I had the higher salary and thus must pay ridiculous alimony to my over-educated, over-skilled but utterly unemployable stbx — to the tune of 35% of my salary FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS!!!! Am I bitter about this? Yeah, wouldn’t you be?
2) I was dumped by my stbx wife because she wasn’t haaaaapppy and told me to my face that I repulsed her, and that sex with me was a ‘chore’ for her for at least a year. Of course she never bothered to communicate any of this to me beyond vague and confusing ‘signals’. Needless to say my self esteem, self worth and self confidence was (and to a certain extent still is) about zero.
3) I felt like a failure, a loser and less of a man for my failed marriage and questioned everything I ever thought was true about my life and my marriage. I began to wonder how long my stbx felt this way about me and wondered if any of it was real at all. Or had she despised me for years before her confession and just faked it. To this day I don’t know. I probably will never know and these doubts will haunt me for many years to come.
4) Despite what women say about the difficulties of dating during separation, after divorce or after 40 it is NOTHING compared to how difficult it is for a separated, 40 something man. Women will avoid separated or recently divorced men like the plague. It’s like I’m walking around a scarlet letter on my forehead warning women to ‘AVOID AT ALL COSTS!’.
And unlike the writer the chances of a cute woman coming up and hitting on me at a party are about as good as me winning the lottery. It ain’t going to happen.
I feel like I’m invisible to women now, and that I’m destined to be a celibate monk for the next year or so until the scarlet letter on my forehead begins to wear off.
I’m waiting for my ‘spiritual awakening’ that changes everything for me and makes me feel better about myself and my life. Because right now it just SUCKS!
fallen angel
Dear forgotton one,
I found your article very emotional and sincere , to me being a female hearing this from a male seemed so surreal.YOU see i feel that i have a sticker on my forehead to say watch out she is single and she wants your husband My x turned THE BIG 40 and for no reason inpacitular HE said he carnt even stand being around me so my self worth is zip zero just tryin to i dont know……
Scotia
Read the book ‘ models ‘
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it’s not attractive
Happened to me
I have been separated for about 9 months and have lost over 30 lbs. I wasn’t fat by any means, but now I am a smoking later 30’s woman and have had the chance to build my self confidence back up 🙂 I have recently started noticing men checking me out and have had couple of “friendships” and am enjoying bring single once again. My ex moved straight into another relationship and I can tell he is unhappy but his ego won’t let him leave her. He is upset that I am happy and tries to make me feel as miserable as him. Honestly, I can say it took quite some time but I know now that I have been happier now than I was for the last 10 years of our 16 year relationship. Girls, get out there and strut your stuff even if it doesn’t feel right at the time, there will be many men (younger men) that will find you irresistible!!!!
john
The fact behind the stories are these divorced women are just attractive enough for some cougar sex. Meanwhile the guy is thinking she is old and unwanted, suffers from low self esteem and is an easy sex target, so they swoop in for the conquest, and stay as long as they are interested. Usually not long. Meanwhile you are so surprised you think this hot young guy actually likes you and you wind up pregnant at 40!! If you think you are some hot comodity think again, your so called self esteem is really just an unrealistic view that leads to a superior attitude which leads to you being used by attractive jokers who love to feed your new found ego. In the end you just get older and alone.
In the original storyThe guy who was right was the first guy who was probably more your counterpart, but you saw him as unattractive and old cause he was more your age. If you waited and kept your head for a year or so, that so called unattractive guy would have looked good and he would have treated you well and with respect. It is unfortunate that delusion is spread to all the forty something women who think because they lose ten pounds somehow they are transformed into Cinderella. My advice If guy anywhere near your own age shows interest, jump! Show major interest and treat him like gold before he wakes up. You may just land a good man. Most older guys are not interested and are laughing at your inflated ego(self esteem) because once they see it is not warranred by your looks and situation, they look for a girl in her 30s, after all they are still sporting an attitude for a reason and guys like women who can back up there attitude with tangible assetts.
Ruins of Rome
To me, divorced women with children equal ‘used goods’ and failures.
Why bother with them? Just go after a younger woman without the past and baggage….you can kid yourself all you want that being divorced is ‘great’ but you know it isn’t. You messed up.
none of your business
Ruins of Rome – you’re an asshole. Being divorced isn’t a failure.
Peggy
Hey Jackie,
I’ve avoided reading about this topic until recently.
After many years of unhappiness on both sides, my husband and I have decided to call it a day.
It isn’t amicable. In a perfect world, I’d wave a magic wand and force him into some sort of therapy and/or alcohol counselling. But I can’t, and this is just going to get ugly. He’s not going to have custody of his child as much as he thinks he’s going to, and the reason behind that is going to be lost on him. I’ll just be the evil bitch ex-wife who’s forcibly removing his daughter from his life for no reason whatsoever.
Bitterly, I hope he mentally awakens one day. I hope he can understand how being emotionally vacant towards his child has mostly prevented him and his daughter from having a close, loving bond. I hope he realises he had a family who loved him, and he chose to keep us at arm’s length and only interacted with us when he chose to. I hope he can understand how he pissed a good chunk of his life and his young family away.
I’ll be 38 in November, and this is a new journey for all of us. And at the moment I’m not interested in dating anyone else, but when the dust settles and life becomes more clear, I’ll know exactly what I do want in a partner.
Thank you for your article. It’s good to read something that’s not all doom and gloom. And I’m sure I’ll be smiling soon enough.
Penny Candy
Loved this 🙂
Lost
It was a pleasure to read the blog and the comments. I can’t help admire all of you who have managed to cope and get back up on your feet. I on the other hand is still reeling (well, it has been final only for a month), put on weight, totally paralyzed by loneliness, angry at myself for feeling that I cannot live without him (and yes he has started dating), putting on weight with every single day, and basically a total wreck. May be someday, I will feel like you But then I am 44 now. So by the time I do start feeling soemwhat human again, I will probably be in an old age home! Guess, I can always find a cute man at an old age home or at least some friends. It is hard to be 44 and alone. Everyone else seems to have a life but me. But, this website makes me feel like I should perhaps hang on. Just in case…
Jon
That type of hook-up sex is nothing to be proud of. Sure, it’s fun, but lots of guys zero in on women they perceive to have low self-esteem so they can get some sex. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. It’s your ability to find a man that’s actually going to stay around that should make you proud. I got divorced at 39 and my ex-wife was 40. She was not bad looking, but having a child and living with her mom (really, mom living with her) puts a serious crimp in her ability attract men. Consequently, she is a single-mom. Me, despite having 50 percent custody, I was able to find and marry a pretty, younger, professional woman, with a child of her own, who has fun with me. If I were a 40 something woman who wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, I’d be pretty depressed.
Jen
I am a 40 something divorced female. I am not drop dead gorgeous. I get asked out often. I am not sure what there is to be depressed about.
Jackie Pilossoph
I love this comment. It made me smile.
Ryan
that is his point and you missed it. You get asked out a lot but aren’t married. Guys will ask out women and tell them that they are beautiful to get sex. the point is that a 27 year old guy who is really good looking may hit on an older woman and keep her around just for sex. It’s like women in their 40s forget what their fathers told them about guys.
Mimi
Oh jeez I’m feeling all that toxicity and loss of self-esteem. Jeez you hit that on the nail! I’ve been ‘coming out” of a marriage for 6 years! I have only decided I’ve had enough with playing happy families for the public and asked him to move out. Living with this has been the hardest thing ever! I’m 48 but look 38 or less which means that basically I’m attractive to younger men but I won’t even go out and it’s so NOT on my agenda. After 14 years of being a travelling wife, a full time house wife and mom I have to say getting out there in the work force and date force are terrifying to say the least! The only thing keeping me together is that I have faith that all things will right themselves and I will finally get “me” back, sooner rather than later I hope, and I will finally have a smile again that isn’t just on the outside but inside too! Fun Blog with some serious reality, thanks!
Sexy lady
Wow liking and disliking the blog ! Ye life sucks for me to I’m in my forties it’s not about looks I think being to nice sucks being to soft and caring that’s my prob next time round I’m gonna be a bitch why not 24 years down the pan but I’m gonna try dam hard to get bck on track I agree men younger might find a separated women attractive if it gives us r ego bck then great we need it we deserve it !! One cheated on lady
Devestated
My husband left me 8 weeks ago for someone else. I’ve lost 2.5 stone in this time (35lbs) I’m absolutely Devestated. I’m now a single Mum of 4 children nobody will ever want me with that kind of baggage ?
thomas
Funny my 40 year old ex wife is loving the fact that she is single. It seems to me that when women get to be around 40 they question their marriage. Take in case my ex, she was always looking for the greener grass and with all these guys asking her out she threw in the towel. We have two great kids together but their mom would rather be out partying and sleeping with all the guys in the town. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe because I loved this woman like no other.
Michael
Devastated, I do understand. I am separated from my wife and heading to divorce as she has been cheating. I have four children whom I love dearly and spend a significant amount of time with. I share your concern…there isn’t a strong market for divorced 43 year old men with 4 children. But at the end of the day, my kids trump all else.
Rich
Well IDK what the real fuss is. Im a 40 year old single guy who has a GREAT job, makes GREAT money and not ugly. Cant find a woman! Everyone just may need to get over it and step outside the box a bit. It’s tough!!!! But you know what? Who cares! Everyone here seems very nice and worthy of a GREAT relationship!!! But Like you guys why is it SOOOOO hard to find a good woman?
Rich
I hope you have calmed down on your view lol…. It is NOT worth it being miserable. I am sure you are a good person and it will happen if it has not. Keep a positive attitude and enjoy being single for a bit!! Good luck with what you pursue!
Jobster
I am reading my own story in your comment. 4 kids, 22 years married to her, bought her a house in her name on dec 29 2015, she separated Jan 14 2016 and she cheated a week after separation. that devastated me. I have so much anger I could tilt the pacific ocean…but you are right, Kids trump all. And karma is a beach… you have my respect.
Jobster
Oh How I could hug you right now.
It’s not baggage dear, It’s Family and Experience. Karma will get him. And Kids should trump all negative feelings. Try to enjoy every single minute with them. Something I never shared in my reply to Mike, is that we separated for 9 months 3 years ago and my oldest stormed out the door on her and ended up in a car crash that took his life. I blame her for that, right or wrong I don’t care, I lost a child, My first born son is gone forever because of that human unkind…. tears rolling now again…. Please read my reply below to Mike I believe his name is…
I hope that you got things back on track by the time you’re reading this. anyways, too soon for me, I am still in a shell of grief wrapped up in another shell of betrayel…I can’t breathe sometimes and I am only 51
May
Thanks for this! I’m in the process of divorcing (-30 lbs down and counting, I needed it), and I’ve developed a slight crush on the soon to be ex- husband of the woman my soon to be ex-husband has been cheating on me with. (Soap opera drama, I know) We’ve chatted and texted, and it’s generally innocent enough. It’s just nice to talk to someone who is so similar to me. I know it probably won’t end up being anything. He’s 9 years my junior. But it just feels good, right now, in an otherwise shitty situation, to get the attention of a nice man. So, I’m letting myself dream on. 🙂
eli
I was told to be careful that when weman become fourty there they feel there lifes is not what it was supposed to be. Well that is facts now, she is turning fourty- one in a couple days and nothing is good for her, i cant not do anything right. She is unhappy at everything, neighbors, my parents, her job, her friends life in general. Nothing i do is worthy or respected. Her sisters, one older and one yougher are facing the the same situation with there husband, one has been served with the divorce paper.I feel is a trend in that age in weman, feel that grass is greener on the other side and will find every negative issues in their man to try to mentaly convince them that separation and divorce is the ticket out of commitment. Thank you.
Lonely in marriage
It’s not a trend! Women are expected to do it all we work fulltime, run around after the kids, do the majority of the housework and food shopping/cooking. All we want is a partner to share it all with, and not have an extra big man/child lazing on the couch. It’s impossible being superwoman all the time.
GoingToCalifornia
Right on my friend!
aha
thanks for sharing your point of view 😉 same goes for an older men – younger women will cash them out mercilessly if they keep believing in self importance and that their good looks are still relevant! which is NOT the case!
So it goes for both genders, unfortunately, not if men somehow in a better position, in my early twenties I have been dating an older man, fell in love initially , but not for long…..Then married a year younger guy! 😉
Only, when a true love is involved, then age matters not – age gap is irrelevant for couples who are in love, not for beautiful looks, but character, soul of a person
Barry joe
no one in their right mind wants a old woman , feminist ways have old women thinking they are worth anything out side the families… no way they are useless
Celeste
See the story of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary. The world needs more kindness and perhaps you could become a bit happier as well.
Justin
Well I’ve been separated for 2 months I’m 43, the love of my life used the love you not in love with you routine.Then cheated on me with my friend… I have 2 kids I’m very proud of them and love them dearly and I want 50% custody. At the moment she is off finding herself probably in every bedroom in town. But the funniest thing happened to me, I haven’t been out in a long time and this weekend went out and had my first one night stand… Can’t say Ill rush to that again but my point is life’s a funny thing sometimes and good is only a minute away… To the ladies who think they aren’t attractive you most certainly are… Whats not attractive is the me first full of self importance and lies… What is attractive is self confidence ‘I’m lucky never been a shrinking violet’ so since my wife left I start exercising talking to everybody I met from a person in line at the shops to the guy who cleans the toilets in the office… I have had people tell some there stories and although I’m sad and unhappy with how this has all played out it won’t be the end of the world…. It’s just another world… Because I think we all pine the future lost when in fact we are living it…
Be happy people your not dead…
Jackie Pilossoph
Such an interesting perspective. Keep talking and listening to people! Life continues to get more interesting every day. You are going to be just fine. xo
John
My 44yr old wife has left me for a 24yr old, we split in april and id seen her in june with this young lad and shes now moved in with him. She was very loving and full of i love yous all the way up to the day we split, we had lots of date nights and date days. Strangely one day when i tried to ask what was wrong she snapped and called me every name under the sun and said how i was such a negative person and brought up stuff from arguments from when we were 20. she asked me to move out as she wanted space. She decided to end the marriage 2weeks later by text saying as shes the one whos ending it i can have the house,we do have children but theyre all grown up but still live at home.she swore blind that there was no one else, that it was her and things couldnt go back to the way they were before. I offered to go councilling, or do whatever it takes for the sake of the marriage but she said no and that was that. Once she left she wouldnt answer my texts or calls and completely ignored me,she also has ignored my daughters messages (i have 3 girls and 3 boys) she answers the boys msgs but is sparodic when it comes to my daughters. when she ended the marriage she said she didnt want me to fight for her and didnt want me to try, just for me to leave her alone. We found out she wasnt always working when she said she was and has been having affairs for a few years. Shes told lie upon lie about me trying to turn everyone against me. The worst one being making out to my sons that there was domestic violence and she was abused by me. This sent me into a downward spiral. She made out it was regular and had gone on for years. It took a fair amount of persuading to get my sons to see that ive never laid a hand on her, but the damage was done. She has since told anyone who will listen how i was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally and that i was very controling who wouldnt let her see her friends or take a hobby and even controlled all the money. My daughters on the other hand had clicked on from very early on in the seperation and could see through her, Sadly i cant say the same for my sons. Ive managed to convince my kids that if there was domestic violence over the years they would of seen it, my kids over the years have seen her be violent to me on a few occasions, not many but a few, and that id never reacted physically to her, not even restrain her arms, just left her to it. All the bills and cars and insurances were all in her name so i honestly dont know how she can even say i controlled the money. I left her alone as she had asked and didnt call,phone,text or even send letters hoping that one day she,ll come back. She didnt show up for my youngest daughters 18th birthday, ( i took her for a meal with all the family the day before so her mother could be at her party for her) promising with messages she was going to be there all the way til the evening of the party, but didnt show and no text to explain why. MY daughter was really upset and couldnt stop crying. No explanation from her at all. My other daughter had her 21st and while we were out having a meal, she came to the house and left a card, wasnt even in the house 5mins and left. No text, nothing. My children had found evidence of her in a relationship with this young lad and confronted her. She denied everything and said it was all jokey. i found this out a month later. She has left us with debts and wasnt paying the bills properley which has cost a small fortune to put right. The kids asked her to contribute seeing as its her who left us in this predicament to which she replies she simply cannot afford too. She has been very frosty to my daughters to the point which 2 of my daughters will not talk too her. Shes accused me of moving her car a few feet to mess with her head saying i have spare keys to her car. shes since tried to tell my other daughter that i beat her up as we were splitting but my daughter was having none of it. My daughter now has very recently found out that shes now living in a house with this boy around 6wks and has bought a new car giving her old one to the new young lad. My daughter confronted her again when my ex visited the house, and again shes denied being in a relationship and of having a house even though my daughter has evidence of it all. I know most will hink its a midlife crisis but my question is this, is it normal to behave to your children this way, treating them like dirt and blatantly lie to there faces? We also suspect shes doing drugs now, cocaine and marijuana, and is drinking and partying all the time with this young lad. I can understand her hating me but to be that way with her children, surely thats not normalo is it?
Y H
John: what your ex wife did is by no any means normal. I wish you could have gotten out of the toxic relationship sooner. Sorry your children have to go through this.
Alex
I’m a 41 yr old man divorced for 7 yrs …. I’ve recently met a childhood friend who had been separated for 6 months …….we hit it off straight away ….I was VERY aware of how she would be feeling because I’d been there and done that …… getting divorced destroyed me … I found out after we were separated that she was still having a yr long affair.
So like I say I was cautious about changing in ……
We’ve been on dates that have gone fantastically well….. I’m trying to woooo her not just jump into bed with her and so we took everything slow ….she kissed me after our second date ….I think to see if she could actually kiss another man, I didn’t expect anything so I was pleasantly surprised by it.
We began to get closer and less guarded about what we are looking for …..I was still aware of how soon it all was for her …… She asked my advice and confided in me over some personal things with her ex …….he has found someone else,which I think shocked her how quickly he’d moved on …… maybe this hurt her more than she let on …..we had a third date this ti.e on her wedding anniversary ……. This could have gone either way I know ….but …. I really charmed her and made her feel like the beautiful woman she is ….. I’m not drip by the way ….. I’m 6 ft 118kg I do weight and practice boxing and MMA …….the night ended with a kiss again and when we kissed I could tell that she wanted to kiss me …….it was passionate and romantic.
Anyway things carried on at the same pace till this weekend ……it was her birthday so as a cheer up gift I made her a cake and got her a bottle of my favorite Gin and a card……I gave these to her sister (I’m friends with her and she’s encouraged us) …..I sent a text asking if she’d like to go out sometime in the week for her birthday ……and received no reply….so I left it at that as I knew she was out with friends on her birthday ……….I knew she would receive the cake and gifts on the Sunday so I thought I’ll let her text me ….. nothing
, Monday morning I text to say hi hope you’re ok happy birthday……later I got a text saying thank you so much for the cake and presents they ment alot ……..so I sent a reply just to say if I’ve made her feel trapped or pushed into things I apologise……no reply…..
Yesterday she replies with what I thought was coming …….. she’s unsure about what’s been going on and how she’s fallen so quickly for me and that the way have been with her has really taken her aback as she’s not felt this happy for a long long time ……she feels she needs to take a step back ……. I understand 100% because again I’ve been in that position ……. I’m well and truly gutted by it …..she allowed me to be myself and show somebody how they should be loved, appreciated and wanted ……. I sent a message back telling her i agreed and sent her an honest message to her signing off by saying when or if she finds her heart and head are in the right place she should look me up and we can have our second first date again but this time without the fear of the unknown……. She replied by telling me how beautiful I am inside and out BUT she wished I’d just told her to f&ck off and called her a bitch !
I told her we’d BOTH know I was lieing ……..
I’m proper really gutted and hurt by this ……I could….and have dated lots of women and just had sex with them …. I’ve liked them,,but I’ve really fallen for this woman and I’m at a loss what to do ….. Is she telling the truth or has she found a better looking model ! I’m not needy and I like an independent string willed woman ……I think she maybe used to being told what to do and now likes the thought of being her again….. I’ve told her that and I tell EVERYONE I meet who has recently separated …….stay single and get to like and know yourself again…… I just hope I haven’t ruined my chance at finding love again …… something that I swore I’d never try and find again after my divorce .
Alex
DeeDee
Well I am a late 40’s lady in a different spot than most. Technically I have been separated for 3.5 yrs
Not that I wanted to be job situations. Anyways all the promises of coming back to help and spending time to make the marriage work failed. 25 yrs I have been married he got my best years we are not officially separated trying to get him to start but I think I am going to have too
He has a gf and I had a hunch but he always tells on himself due to the way his neighbors treat him. I think they adore me and tolerate him now that they have seen a true side.
Now the house I stay in is ours
It was flooded during storm that was not supposed to cause so much rain and the next day found out I had to have surgery due to cancer cells.
In the last 5 months have sucked he has been to house maybe a handful of times to help but the minute I ask him a question about our relationship he packs his bags and leaves so I know where I stand with him. I keep getting told that I am strong by how I am handling everything when it is the total opposite when I am alone
Yes I am not a lucky one to lose weight
But things are moving day by day I feel myself getting stronger and I hate that I wish so bad I could find an awesome person for my life to share I have to realize that may never come true but he found someone who gives him the butterflies and New relationship giggles. I hope he is happy because I stayed even when so many people asked me what I was doing with him. Anyways to the guy who says the woman failed in their marriage shame on you
No one wants to end up divorced but everyone grows as you get older and if you can’t do that together and talk it through the marriage is doomed
Some people treat their friends better than they treat their spouses.
DebrinaMaria
I am 50 almost 51 and my soon to be ex husband who is 43 told me he wanted a divorce and wasn’t happy with me and hasn’t been for many years.. This happened around Aug. I was and still am in shock. Everything between us and our little family one teenage son was great. Sex had been above superb for at least last 6 years, better than in the beginning. 18 years total marriage. I was like, what the hell is going on? Is this a joke? We had finally gotten to the point we could go out together and leave our son at home alone for a few hours and enjoy ourselves more and more. And go on trips together and spend some money that we had been saving for years and years. Mostly me doing the saving. But he met someone else who he just had to hook up with (she is 43 also). I thought my world was over. I had never been so sick in my life. I felt ugly, old, used, and I lost 24lbs. Even though I was still eating the same stuff. Strange how the weight falls off from stress and worry and wondering why why why, and why now, Im freaking almost 51 years old. Who is going to want me? Little did I know, alot of men want me. I have been going on dates with guys ages 28 to 62. And NO not just to bang a 51 year old. Lol. (Someone told me). I have had plenty of dates and men wanting relationships. Scary to ever trust a man again after the emotional, lying, cheating, roller coaster ride I am still trying to heal from. So for now I just go on dates. I have had some fun times, and many want to date me and just me long term. I thought it was over for me and dating or a life with a man. But it is far from the truth. There is a lot of possibilities out there. Just be careful and know there is plenty of fish in the sea no matter what age you are. My Grandfather has lost 3 wives (passed away) and he is on his 4th, and he keeps getting better and better and he is 89 years old. If he can find love 4 times to great women, surely we all can find love. He is my inspiration for sure.
Elizabeth Lovett
Actually I’ve put on two stone through binge eating as a response to stress. Your article hasn’t made me feel better about that.
Sarah C
Wow! You summed my life up to a “T”. This is how i am feeling.. newly separated and trying to feel my way around blindly. Thank you so much for your well-written article.. Loved it!! I lost 10 pounds too LMAO.. i dont want that back.
Jackie Pilossoph
I bet you look beautiful! But more importantly, a good attitude is all about how you feel about yourself, and being healthy is the most important thing. All the best!!! You have a lot to look forward to.
Lori
Your article was great! It sounds like my own story. 20 years and he just left without trying to make it work. With the holidays coming up, it’s going to be hard to get through them alone.
Jackie Pilossoph
Think of it this way. You WILL get through the holidays and then next year at the holidays, look back and see the difference. Things will just keep getting better and better. I’m sorry this happened to you but there was a reason it did, and someday you will see it. Go get the life you want. It’s out there for you! xo
Some guy
Guys, the obvious is obvious. Who would a guy rather be with a 20 or 30 yro hottie or a 40 yro with baggage? Let alone a 40 something redefining or finding herself with newfound empowerment issues. It’s just not sexy no matter how you want to spin it.
Look up the statistics. Divorced women after 40 tend to stay divorced. If they remarry chances of that marriage working are bysmal.
If you do find yourself in this scenario best thing is to own your life and stop trying to reshroud into something’s it’s not. This gives you the best chance of finding a meaningful relationship (if it does happen) and not creating subtle psychological issues by not having a realistic perspective
on things
Jackie Pilossoph
I have to strongly disagree with you. In fact, I was watching the bachelor the other night and the guy sent a girl home (who was really young and beautiful) because she wasn’t interesting. That’s not her fault, she just didn’t have depth. He gave roses to both of the women who were older, and who had some baggage. Also physically beautiful, these girls were more interesting to him. That’s what a 40 year old offers. You won’t know unless you date one!
Y H
I happened to come across your blog, and am so glad I read it. I can personally resonate with many of the thoughts that you described in your blog. I just turned 40 recently, and have been divorced for 3 years this summer. With my ex husband about to marry someone in her 20s, I feel no hurry to get into another relationships. Right now, I am so busy building back up my career (after being a stay at home mom for almost ten years), and raising my 3 beautiful children, I feel it would be too much right now to add a new relationship to the mix. It feels good to take the time to figure out my life’s goals and plan for the future, and it doesn’t hurt to know that I will catch up on my career and will be making as much as my ex within the next 5 years. Pretty soon though, with my oldest going into high school, I will have time to date, and will hope to find someone who is emotionally and financially stable to enjoy life together. This article gives me hope that 40-year Old is not too old to date.
Jackie Pilossoph
Good for you! You sound so wonderful. Happy to see the independence and confidence! 40 is sooooo not too old to date. No age is too old. I hear about people in thier 50s, 60’s and even 70’s falling in love every day. Love is ageless. I wish you all the best.
Life
I’m curious why your 3-month fling/rebound ended? I got myself entwined with a newly separated woman that went for about 3-4 mos before it started to fizzle until she sort of tactfully distanced and then I got the ‘I need some time’ line…her texts were getting more snarky/aggressive, which I figured was part of the distancing tactic. It was a strange pairing to start (20 yrs younger than me, divorce drama, lived an hour away, had young kids) and I was the first person she slept with, so I knew going in it wasn’t going to be serious or a LTR; but hey, chemistry/sex was great so I went along for the ride. But curious what goes through her mind over the course of a contested divorce — desire to jump to another bed and try different options? End it before she gets too attached? Confusion over new identity/dating norms/uncertain divorce outcome? Or was it just too overwhelming to keep managing a multi-month rebound situation as the court dates approached (pretty ugly divorce as far as I could tell).