Is divorce a sin? This is the question that popped into my head after listening to an episode of Megyn Kelly’s podcast yesterday. So, I was driving my mom’s car and my phone automatically synced to her Bluetooth (I must have synced it in the past). I have no idea why, but an old episode of her podcast pops up and starts playing, and she’s talking about her divorce, which is rare.
Kelly explained that when she got divorced, she felt judged because in the Catholic religion, divorce is a no-no, no matter what. Kelly, who has been remarried for several years and has 3 children with her husband, started talking about “the middleman,” which is what inspired me to write this article.
I took “the middlemen” to mean our religious leaders such as: rabbis, priests, ministers, groups of people who are extremely religious, like Orthodox Jews or other faiths that practice their religion to the extreme.
I first want to say that although extreme religion doesn’t appeal to me, and I really don’t understand how people live that way–by a strict set of rules that they refer to as “God’s laws,” I try not to judge anyone for living their life they way they want. But when these “middlemen” start telling people that God doesn’t approve or doesn’t love you if you sin by getting divorced, that really bugs me.
What I want to say to you if you are getting divorced or you are divorced, and feel judged by your family, your religious leaders, or religious people you know, is first off, I’m so sorry they are making you feel guilty. It’s not easy to feel like we’ve disappointed our families or the church. It makes people feel badly about themselves, and makes us feel like we are a failure or that we did something wrong by getting divorced.
This is absolutely NOT TRUE and here’s what I want to tell you. A few years ago, I stopped going to my synagogue because although I thought it was lovely and I liked my rabbi a lot, I felt like the services were becoming too political and I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I had gone there to feel a connection to God, but instead would walk out feeling like I was being lectured about world issues and told how to feel.
After I left the temple, I felt sort of alone, like what now? Where am I supposed to go to pray to God? It was during that time I realized just how spiritual I was, and that I didn’t have to go to a house of worship to talk to God or to feel God. It was then I realized that God is with me all the time. He is here in my house, He is with me on planes and vacations, He is with me at the gym, when I’m with other people, or when I’m outside taking a walk alone.
I talk to God all the time. I thank Him for things, I tell him how beautiful my neighborhood is. I tell him things like I can’t believe he created dogs and how much happiness they bring people. I tell him how I am feeling, I pray to him for things and for people-like my kids, my family, my health, a friend who is battling an illness right now, someone I know whose husband recently died. I also thank him for my life-my relationships with my family, my ability to make a living doing what I love to do, my love of my life boyfriend, the life I live that I am truly blessed to be able to live. I also get angry with God, at times. Someone I know who is very religious told me that if you get angry with God that is healthy because it shows that you believe in Him. If you didn’t believe, it would be impossible to get angry with Him.
But mostly, I feel love from God. I feel his presence all the time, and I hope you do, too. I think it’s really hard to feel God’s presence when things are bad in your life-like when you are going through a divorce and life seems like it’s crashing in on you from all directions-financially, the kids, feeling lonely, dating people and feel hopeless you’ll ever find someone normal. I remember thinking, “Why is God doing this to me?” But the thing is, that is when God is present the most. He is listening and He will help you. It just takes more time than we want it to take.
I’m not claiming to know everything, or to be a religious leader, but for someone who has lived almost 6 decades of life and never lost faith—through my divorce, through cancer, and through some other really, really tough situations, I want to encourage you to have faith that God is not angry with you for getting divorced. Your divorce is NOT a sin. God loves you and knows you are doing the best you can. God forgives your mistakes. God is proud of you when you do good things. And God will be happy for you when you find peace with your divorce, when you grow, and when you find love again.
Thank you, Megyn Kelly for igniting this inspiration in me. I’ve seen way too many religious people—those people who never miss a Sunday church service, but who are the first people to judge their neighbor who “couldn’t make her marriage work.”
I remember my dad was not a very religious man, meaning he didn’t enjoy going to temple during the Jewish holidays. But, he was one of the most giving men I’ve ever known, and he used to say that it’s more important to do good things for others than to live by religious laws. I don’t think my dad was a big fan of the middlemen-the people who make up the rules and who put more emphasis on abiding by “God’s law” than just simply being the best person you can be.
I’m not saying tradition is bad or that honoring religious holidays is a bad thing. Celebrating cultural holidays and engaging in the rituals that go along with religion can be a good thing. It can be meaningful and enriching, and it can bring families together. But making a difference in the world to help others holds a lot more value. To me, anyhow. What is making a difference? I’m talking about things like visiting a sick person or helping someone get a job or donating financially to a great cause or volunteering at a soup kitchen. This is God’s work. I feel it. He created us and he knows we are imperfect, but he is proud when he sees the beauty of us helping each other.
What I want to tell you is, if you are getting divorced, it doesn’t help to feel guilty or to wonder if God is angry with you. What helps is learning from the mistakes you made in the past and trying to be better each and every day. If you think about it, that’s all we really have control over. That’s all God really wants from us-to take action on things we can control.
So, is divorce a sin?
No way. Ask yourself if you think God wanted you to stay in a bad marriage. Ask yourself if God is displeased because you got out of a toxic situation. Ask yourself if God is angry with you for wanting to be happy. I bet you know the answer. Then ask yourself if you and God are in a good place. Because that’s truly all that matters.
