Are you one of those divorced people who is really hating your spouse? I mean deep hatred? If so, my advice is: keep hating your spouse. It’s good for you. Wait, what?!
I mean that in a very very sarcastic way. Let me explain! One night, I was very upset with the way my ex treated me at my kids’ track meet. I came home and wrote this:
Keep hating your spouse.
I think you should keep doing what you’re doing. Keep hating. Keep giving your ex dirty looks at your kids’ sporting events so that your kids can see because it’s really really great for their emotional health and wellbeing. They really enjoy knowing that one of their parents has deep-seeded anger hatred for the other.
Keep ignoring self-awareness and accept the fact that you weren’t wrong about anything. You were perfect. You are the victim. You are always the victim. He or she committed unforgivable crimes and because of that they are the devil. There is no good whatsoever in that person, even though he or she is the mother (or father) of your children.
Keep communicating with your ex through your kids and refusing to speak or co-parent. It is doing wonders for your kids’ self-esteem and teaching them about selflessness. You’re doing a really good job showing them how to be angry and bitter and how to stay in the past. You are showing them that forgiveness doesn’t make sense, that staying pissed off forever is more productive and the right thing to do. Hating is great if you want to ruin your kids’ chances of growing up as loving, kind, gentle, happy people with good self-esteem.
Hating also helps your professional life a lot.
Keep focusing on how much your ex held you back and how he or she took the best years of your life and then wronged you, and how now you are too old to be successful. It really helps change things and could ultimately make a lot of good things happen for you in the workplace.
Another thing. Men (or women) that you date or even get into a serious relationship with or marry really love bitter, angry divorcees. He or she really finds your hatred attractive. So, hating your ex should really help your love life.
Lastly and most importantly, keep hating because it doesn’t affect your health and wellbeing. It doesn’t cause stress and anxiety and it doesn’t make you tired. Come on, keep hating. You know you’ve got more in you. Hating calms you and makes you happier. And hating is really, really good karma. Wish bad things for your ex and I’m sure they will happen, and then good things will happen for you.
Get my point here? I was actually cringing the entire time I was writing this but my real divorce advice is, ask yourself if this is you, and/or send this to any divorced man or woman who you think needs some tough love on why hating your spouse will only destroy him or her, and hurt the kids.
Hating your spouse is toxic.
It is toxic to your kids, to your professional life, to your romantic relationships and mostly to yourself. Hating your ex long enough will kill you. It’s a really, really bad disease. The cure? Get some self-awareness fast. Don’t be one of those people who can’t look in the mirror and see this truth, who can’t admit any fault, and who rewrites history.
I’m not saying you have to be best friends with your ex. I also know it isn’t easy to be around someone who deeply hurt you. It is brutal. It means biting your tongue, holding back what you really want to say, and focusing on now instead of what happened when you were married. But this we do for our children. We put them first. It takes a huge amount of grace and maturity to make your relationship with your ex about your kids and not about the two of you.
It takes immense courage to accept all of what really happened and not just what you want to remember. It takes wisdom and gratitude to appreciate what you have now and focus on that versus how you were wronged.
So, if you hate your spouse with a passion, you have two choices. You can choose hate or you can choose your kids and your happiness. It’s impossible to choose both. What’s it gonna be?
Like this post? Check out my article, “How Do I Stop Being Angry about My Divorce?”
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Julie Stocking
Jackie,
I totally understand your point and agree with all you said. One thing that I think needs to be pointed out here though is that it is not about letting go of what happened in the past for some people. Many have accepted their part in the breakup of the marriage, and have forgiven their ex for past issues…and in spite of every intention of moving on and moving forward with a positive attitude, some people’s exes do new things to hurt and frustrate them continually. I’m not talking about the small, typical annoyances all divorced people who have children together have to deal with. Narcissistic personality types are very cunning at trying to hurt their ex, and at trying to make their ex look bad to others – including their children. Remaining positive when you are the daily target of a narcissist is difficult, but it can be done.
I would love to raise awareness of this issue for those who have it in their lives.
Jackie Pilossoph
You bring up a great point! It is very frustrating to deal with someone who is constantly doing things that makes you hate them–not just in the past, as you say.
KJW
The problem with this post is it assumes the ex is “sucking it up” and putting the kids first. It’s nearly impossible not to hate your ex when you’ve tried really hard to be amicable and he refuses. No amount of grace on only one side of the equation can fix that. My ex doesn’t put our child first and I hate him for that.
Jackie Pilossoph
Yes, but just because he is hating that doesn’t make it a reason for you to hate also. In fact, his hate should give you even more of a reason not to hate because then your child is only getting one hater instead of two. They remember all of this when they grow up, by the way.
Andrea Foreman
True wake-up call for me today!
Karhleen
This even holds true for couples with adult children. The hating makes things like weddings ,births and special occasions difficult for them. I do wonder though if some of the hating is directed towards themselves? They have to beat YOU up so they can get through their quilt or remorse. Either way, holding on to hate and acting on it is a true waste of precious time. Thanks for the great post.
Grace
Ib the typical he said she said divorce…
Great point
But Julie has insight into the narcissistic sociopathic divorce which is more of a terrorist attack, premeditated, destructive purposeful trauma….
If a narcissist gets caught and can’t make ones death look like the accident they threatened then they will spend their money and their lives trying to discredit you and kill your soul through hurting the children without regard because they never had the capacity to love!!!!
Not wise to stereotype divorcees Bc it’s not all the same scenario!!!
Bev Walton
AWESOME article! After an extremely acrimonious divorce, I hated my ex-husband. I was able to show restraint in that I never allowed my children be witness to my bitterness. My ex was, is and always be their father – IRREPLACABLE! I had to make sure that I never bad-mouthed him, subtly interrogate them after visits with their dad or show visible signs of hatred towards my ex. Divorce is damaging, but hey, if it’s not working, it’s not working! Get over it and move on – for the sake of your own mental health and well-being. Find closure and in doing so, choose to be a good mother for your children so that you set a life-long example for them. Sadly, it is the children who suffer here. The bitter ex-wife is too wrapped up in his/her own toxic and venomous hatred to see what she is doing to their children and see how negatively her hatred of their father affects them. Irrespective of age, as parents, we should KNOW that unless their child is mentally challenged, they SEE what is going on and ultimately start distancing themselves from the “hated” parent. I have married a man who has a bitter and acidic ex-wife. She hates me with a passion – because I am the new wife. Although she had been divorced from my husband for a period of almost a year, when I came along, the “evil ex-wife” started to display the typical signs of “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She had enjoyed a fairly healthy relationship with my husband until the new girlfriend – being me – pitched on the scene. She went as far as to say that she felt that ex-husband had betrayed her, been disloyal to her and abandoned their children. I met my husband 9 months after their divorce, so there was most certainly no extra-marital affair involved at all! But she of course chose to believe that my husband and I had been seeing each other for a long time before he told her that I existed. All this AFTER their divorce. She abhors me, can’t stand the fact that her children, love me and enjoy interacting with me. When will women like this make peace with their divorced status, embrace life and move forward with confidence and joy? Come on girls, we have the power to dump the hatred! By the way, love, love, LOVE the article on this site posted some time back – 20 Lies that Divorced Men and Women tell themselves – particularly point 17!!
Bev Walton
Just in response to Julie Stocking’s response – it always seems to be typical behaviour that the ex-wife needs to make the ex-husband look bad so that she can make herself look good.Friends and family who continually have to hear the same old story of how she is is so badly done by. It takes two people to get married; it takes two people to get divorced. BOTH parties have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage – no one single party is to blame for everything that has gone wrong. As ex-wives, we need to get out of our own denial and self-pity space and admit that we were not perfect.
Liv
You can’t hear me clapping, but I am. You nailed it Jackie. Wish that if I sent it to my ex he’d have the insight to understand why.
Bill
Jackie, great advice and article. As a family law attorney and member of a successful co-parenting arrangement, I can relate to your advice and wisdom on a number of levels. As another anecdote, I might add: “Want to have very large legal bills? Keep hating your ex!” I plan on sharing your article across our social media platforms.
Bev Walton
So very well said Bill! Do the threats and follow-through of going the legal route only end when the hostile party is totally and utterly financially crippled?
James
I don’t know if I hate my ex wife, (separated two months) . I am just so disappointed in her and her behavior and conduct. I have no respect any more for her as a person. She just turned 50, and is running around with this guy who is a serial home wrecker ( she had an emotional affair with), very publicly and like a teenager in love. Her relationship and behavior has quickly gotten back to our teenage daughter who is now at war with her. I have been in the weird position in trying to defend a woman whom I no longer respect in order to try to save a mother/daughter relationship which the mother seems intent on destroying. My daughter has made it clear she is moving in with me full time in spite of our agreement for full joint custody. My middle school aged son is going to go back and forth for now. I am getting ready to move out of the matrimonial home this month to my new place and I am afraid that she may move the new guy in right away behind me. It will leave me with no choice but to seek custody. I do not want her to continue to inflict more pain and confusion on the children than they are already experiencing. I want to avoid a huge bitter divorce, our personal relationship is now basically texting each other as I am trying to draw away to heal. I am coming to grips with the loss of my marriage, and looking at a woman I do not recognize any longer and asking myself. What the hell happened? She has become very self absorbed, and appearance focused in the last 2 years. I am certainly not blameless in this but I did seek help, and changed what I could change. I don’t know, this behavior and damage to the children is baffling to me. At least let the kids adjust, we are adults and can take and absorb things and use logic and experience to help us. I really now only want to get as far away from her as possible. Her behavior scares me because she is a professional and should know better.
Bethany Checketts
This is all great…but how? Everyone talks about moving on, letting go, being happy with yourself, sucking it up when your narcissistic ex continually does things to hurt you. My question is how do you “move on”, how do you ignore the impossible behavior not only towards you but also towards your children in order to take the higher road? Every time I feel like I’m in a good spot, he does something else or says something else and I feel like I’m back at ground zero…
Jackie Pilossoph
You have a very valid question. I get it. But I do want to comment on your last sentence. There might be so much resentment on your part, that whatever he does is going to send you into a fit of rage. I get it. I’m not judging you. But just think about it. Are you ever going to get to a place where he doesn’t piss you off? Probably not. So, I guess one suggestion I have for you is to try not to care. He isn’t going to change. So maybe just make a decision that you don’t care anymore. When you stop caring, he can’t hurt you or drive you crazy anymore. Focus on caring about other people and think of him as your business associate. (The business you two own together are your children.) Stop caring. Try it! xo
C
People love to give advice, but every situation is different. The four letter word “hate” has never been an acceptable term when raising my children. It is very difficult taking the high road and forgiving behavior that no one should accept, my children or myself included. My soon to be Ex has put me through two hearings and an ongoing nightmare of legal battles. He is in the medical field, the one that walked without notice and completely cut off all cash to this stay at home Mom. I don’t hate him, but my children should never be okay with abusive behavior whether it be verbal, emotional or financial. They don’t need the details, but they should be aware of what should not be tolerated. The only thing that saved me was myself and an okay lawyer, as the only living family I have is my two children and the important four letter word, hope.
Sara Mullins
“C” I agree with you. I came from a very manipulative and emotionally, mentally , and eventually physically abusive relationship of 37 years. My Ex was so clever, so good at gaslighting that it took me a long time and many sessions in therapy to realize he thought there was nothing wrong with his behavior and it would never change. Abuse is not okay and my therapist urged me to talk to my adult daughter about it. I do hate the way I was treated, and would never wish anyone live the life I had under my Ex’s control. Today I facilitate a women’s open share group so that I can preach the gospel of hope and life after abuse. For me, healing isn’t about not hating, its about understanding that he is mentally ill. I’ve had to forgive myself for staying way too long, under the tutelage of ‘Christian’ radio personalities, preachers, and writers who insisted that keeping the family together was better for the children. I didn’t do any favors for my children by staying and should have left 20 years ago. Oh, and then there’s the porn. But enough for now.
Sonia Frontera
Well said, Jackie. You will never be free or happy as long as you keep hating your ex. Be grateful for the lessons and bless him with love. Moving on is the best revenge.
George Ackerman
THERE is more , about , breaking your wedding Vow ….WHY “” “BETRAYAL OF FRIENDSHIP for each Other ……… ….. NOW TAKE “NOTE ” what Jesus said about ” BETRAYAL ” — to Judas and Us ,…. IT WOULD have been better , that you were not born….. ( He is not respector of person ) — HE said It . ( not me ) Jesus always the same . Be Blessed .
Dor
Yes hating your spouse is not healthy but every marriage and divorce is different.
I hate my spouse and don’t show it to my grown kids. There is no communication with my spouse and that is what he wanted and only in the event of an emergency with our daughter. We didn’t even communicate but one word at our sons wedding. That is sad. If one wants to hate their ex, then they can. It’s how u show your feelings when around your children is what’s important.