Below is an e-mail I received from a woman who writes: “My ex is angry and bitter.”
Jackie, I am going on 2 years since my ex-husband and I have been separated. My ex went through a process of seeming okay with it, then briefly seemed upset and then he got MAD and has stayed mad since. My ex is angry and bitter at this point.
We communicate over texts because he refuses to speak to me or “be in the same room” with me, and I’ve accepted that as part of his process. I’ve accepted that he may just be angry and bitter for a very long time, but constantly being on the receiving end of that anger has me rethinking my approach. I tell myself every time he lays into me about something “take the higher road” and I do. I speak to him in a civil way, I try to be as accommodating as I can when it comes to his time with our son.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m maybe becoming a little bit of a doormat, and I don’t want that to happen. Where is that line? Where is the line between being accommodating and patient and just being a doormat for him to stomp on and walk all over?
Isn’t divorce anger awful?! I know many men and women who after years and years are unable to let go of anger and bitterness. It’s sad, it’s infuriating, it’s frustrating, and sometimes I feel like I want to slap them and say, “Wake up!” Even when the people get remarried, some still burn with anger, and still feel the need to treat their ex like crap.
What is particularly bothersome about it is that the children grow up seeing this behavior, so what chance will they ever have of NOT acting the same way as adults—with the same anger and bitterness– in the event that they get divorced, or even in marriage?
You ask, “Where is the line between being accommodating and being a doormat?” That is for you to decide and I think it depends on the situation and many other factors. I’m sure there are times where you let his anger and insults and dirty looks roll off. Then there are other times you can’t resist defending yourself. There are probably other times when you just cry about it, and other times you get furious. I get it.
The best advice I can give you for “My Ex is angry and bitter” is:
10 things to tell yourself when your ex shows divorce anger and bitterness:
1. This is HIS issue, not mine. He is the one with the problem. I am not.
2. The fact that he is still so angry clearly shows he isn’t over it and might never be. I am actually sad for him in that regard.
3. This is something in my life that I have zero control over. Zero. So, if I can’t control it, what good does it do to let it bother me?
4. My son is going to grow up and sadly, he will remember how my ex treated me. But, he has eyes and he will also remember how I treated and spoke to his dad. He will be smart enough to recognize the difference. In fact, even at a young age, he’s getting the picture.
5. My ex can only hurt me as much as I let him. I have the power to let his divorce anger roll off of me and be unaffected by it.
6. I will no longer hold out hope that he is going to change. It only leads to disappointment.
7. I can only be myself and try to take the high road as much as possible. Being rude and angry back doesn’t help my son or me.
8. The only thing that truly matters in regards to the relationship I have with my ex is our son. He is my priority, and I will keep that in mind at all times.
9. I will continue to be polite to my ex because it is in the best interest of our son. If I have to grit my teeth at times, so be it. It won’t kill me.
10. I will do my best to live the life I want and be happy, and minimize thinking about my ex’s divorce anger. Instead, I will think of how I can live the happiest, healthiest life I can.
The thing about anger and bitterness is, it’s the most unproductive emotion a person can have. It’s such a waste, and it just makes everyone feel crappy. I completely understand anger at the beginning of a divorce. But at some point, you have to let things go. It’s not easy to do, but your happiness depends on it. Being angry hurts the angry person the most. Life is way too short for that. You just keep being YOU, keep taking care of your son, live your life, and make it a happy one!
Like this article? Check out, “8 Reasons Your Ex is Angry and Hateful Towards You”
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Sally
Jackie,
I love your response to this email! I too have boys and fear that they will grow up seeing the relationship between their father and I as normal. I pray that they see how I react, or don’t react, towards his anger and that they will one day be able to have healthy relationships. Thank you for your insights and tips on how to deal and respond to someone attacking your character. It is not always easy.
-Sally Hamilton
P.S. I invite you to check out my blog at
http://family3dynamics.blogspot.com/
Doug, Chicago
Great question and great answer Jackie! I think you nailed it. I’d like to second the point that while it’s hard to not take anger personally, someone else’s anger is not about you. Your Ex lost a relationship he valued and he is slowly working through the stages of grief. If you are only separated now, you should know that his healing won’t truly begin until after the divorce. I was that guy. I was in a long marriage (20 years and 2 children) that became very unhappy but I was prepared to stay in it forever (I had low expectations for the relationship and poor self-esteem). I was very angry that my Ex took the necessary steps to end it and that anger expressed itself through stony silence toward her. It was very difficult for me to be in the same room or say her name (the best I could muster was “the mom” as her role with our children was the only one I could respect). With time it has all changed. I came to understand that my inner peace was solely my own responsibility. I learned to release the sense of loss and shame and embrace the wonderful lessons the relationship provided. In the end I realized that the marriage was a gift (most notably I have two beautiful children) and the divorce was a gift (it provided an opportunity for growth and was long overdue). I am grateful to my Ex for her role in that story. It took time for me to sort it all out but the evolution from despair to peace has been one of the most important and valuable experiences in my life. I am far better for the it and my children are in a happier environment. Be patient and compassionate. Not only with your Ex (who I hope will change) but with yourself (the only person you control).
Jackie Pilossoph
beautifully said
Alison
Here is another perspective. If your ex is angry at you, maybe you deserve it! Maybe you were like my husband of 21 years and lied to your wife and child, cheated with multiple women for many years, spend more than $70k on women, hotels and lavish gifts to others while your family shopped for bargains! Maybe you tried to do something like say that the $70k debt was marital debt that would be split 50-50. Does that sound like you? Then you deserve the anger, so suck it up and choke on it! Not everyone asks for or is even worthy of forgiveness.
Cara
Or you have an ex that is angry that cheated on you, was shady about stealing money that was supposed to be 50-50, and then is mad when divorce proceedings only give him all the money he stole but not the house. That anger is fun and not deserving.
No more care left
Very easy to tell the spouse that was cheated on and had it rubbed in his face and multiple men rubbed in your face and bringing guys to your old home which you lost in the divorce but still get to pay for and be told how all these men love your children while you work your ass off to pay all the required payments of child support and mortgage and 401k loan to pay back medical bills from cardiac issues your spouse had but always had energy to go have an affair, and then the realationship loss of time with your children which there is no price you can put on that but let go of the anger and dont display any towards your spouse who basically got off scott free for cheating on you and gets a nice child support check everyweek in the amount some folks dont even make working but hey let it all go pay fir another guy to live in what was your home and get to spend more time with your kids than you do ,yeah I will just go give my ex a big hug and kiss oh boy I just think she is a great person..
Jaques Smith
One topic that isn’t mentioned is how this hatred can actually increase after the divorce is final. I was so relieved after divorce was final, naively thinking everything was settled and done. Ex wife decided unilaterally that I wasn’t a good dad and constantly interfered with my parenting time. Flying kids to vacation spots knowing it was kids time with me, telling them if they didn’t want to be with me how to lie to avoid parenting time etc. The hatred got worse and worse, and continues almost 10 years later. The kids are collateral damage and it isn’t fair to them.
KSherwood
What a thoughtful article/response! YES! I’ve dealt with the same (and not always so gracefully, though much better now), and I’d add 2 thoughts:
1. Only communicate in writing (of course), weekly (at most, re: kid things), or better, when absolutely necessary, e.g. only you’re (hopefully not!) headed to the hospital with the kid.
2. Use USPS – Certified Mail for substantive communication. Things like summer plans for the kids, or overdue child support payments – communicate via email and include an image of their (ugly) message, AND print and sent it via Certified Mail. Should you ever need this in Court, you’ll have a record of how you treated him (and the Certified Mail may not-so-subtly put him on notice).