From a reader who writes,“My ex is in love with someone else now:”
I have a very difficult situation. My ex is in love with someone else now. I have been loving my ex wife for 20 years and I’m only 41. We separated about 5 years ago and our divorce was final two years later.
We tried to get back together even after the divorce. This past July she told me she had feelings for someone else who just so happens to be an old lover from one of our times of not being together. My heart hurts and I still want us to be together but she has told me she is in love now.
I feel for this guy and I want to hug him.I want to tell him it’s going to be OK.But what I want to do most is to tell him that it is time for him to love himself enough to let this woman go.
I can’t tell him how to let her go, but here is some perspective that might help him do so. They seem to be one of those couples who has broken up and gotten back together a few times. In my opinion, those relationships rarely work. Why? Two reasons. One, because romantic relationships have patterns and those patterns usually continue, so if they get back together, they can expect to break up again.
Secondly, there is something that caused the couple to break up at least twice (based on his email.) Maybe it is an alcohol issue, maybe one cheated, maybe they bicker a lot. Whatever the reason, if they didn’t work it out after the first breakup, I have a hard time trusting they can find a way to make it work a third time.
There is something else. This guy met his wife at 21. It doesn’t sound like he has ever known any other love. I’m sure that is very very hard for him and that it hurts like hell. But what he hasn’t realized yet is that if he allows himself to accept the breakup and begin to move on, he will start dating, and with an open mind and heart, he could meet a woman who he will fall in love with. I can say that based on others I have known in his situation, falling in love will be very unexpected and it will be a delightful surprise to him.
What else is in store for him if he dates and gets into a relationship?
The realization that the relationship is easier. If and when it is truly right, there won’t be so many ups and downs and breakups and reconciliations.
I’m not saying love is easy. There are difficult times in any long-term relationship, no matter how strong it is. But when it’s truly right, it seems easier, and breaking up isn’t considered.
Perhaps the worst part about this situation is that this guy’s ex-wife is in love with someone else now. That is probably killing him. But what he needs to realize is that while he might be jealous and feel desperately in love with a woman he can no longer have, his ex being in another relationship is actually expediting his healing.
He now has no other choice but to make an effort to accept that his marriage is really over.
There is no more hope that they will reconcile, and while that is brutally painful, it is a good thing, too. The situation is now out of his control. Getting back together is no longer an option. The best thing he can do is work towards accepting it and focusing on his own life and the wonderful things that are ahead of him, which will hopefully include love.
For many divorced people, whether they are still in love with their ex-spouse or not, finding out “my ex is in love with someone else now” is very hard to handle. The best advice I can give is:
1. Don’t re-write the past and pretend like everything was perfect.
It wasn’t. Otherwise you would still be together. Let yourself see the flaws and the reality of why it ended.
2. Try not to think about your ex and the blissful state you think he or she is in.
You have no idea what the relationship is really like. People tend to fantasize that their ex is in heaven in the new relationship, when in reality, it might not be as great as they tell you it is.
3. Focus on YOU and your wonderful future.
If you are healthy and you focus on all the great things you have in your life, love will eventually find you. You can also be proactive in dating if you are ready, but make sure it is the right time and certainly don’t rush into it if mentally you aren’t prepared. This is a wonderful time to figure out what you want in life; your career, your friends, your hobbies, your passions, with or without a significant other. Take your time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to date until you are ready. Be selfish. Take trips and do things you have wanted to do for awhile.
Like this article? Check out, “When your Ex Gets Married Quickly”
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Arthur
Wow, what incredible timing on this post. I’ve been suffering the pain of my ex being in love with another man. She was going through a divorce when we met (she was 34, I was 32), we were pulled together by mutual friends. We immediately connected, though I never felt sure…she was older and damaged, and I had my own issues. I drank too much and hurt her, but we still were on and off for nearly the next year. She was always looking for someone else, I never got my drinking under control, but we were very close, and both agreed it was the best sex of our lives. Trust was always an issue (mutually, though I became jealous and paranoid), and it eventually exploded. I represented myself terribly in the end, she blocked my phone number and facebook. She’s now in love with a man who is everything I’m not…tall (I’m 5’7″), handsome with great hair (I’m receding), established and well-educated, with a great condo and two seater convertible. The pain of having lost this gorgeous goddess to a man far more deserving is excruciating, and I can’t forgive myself for being so immature when we met, and squandering a once in a lifetime opportunity, not to mention hurting such a powerful and beautiful woman. I’m happy that she’s found stability, she’s been through hell (her ex husband was abusive) and she deserves heaven. But I, being less than attractive and needy, can’t imagine ever attracting someone like that again. She was so vulnerable, and I exploited her. And generally I don’t do well with women. Well, life has consequences. Anyway, thank you so much for all of your posts, you have a new fan in me!
Jackie Pilossoph
Wow. I love the self-awareness and guts to admit it. You have a new fan in ME! But my question to you is, why are you willing to settle for being less than attractive and needy? Do you realize that you have the power to change? Not really understanding why you can’t work on yourself to be someone who could attract beautiful women like your ex, and then treat her the way she should be treated. What do you think?
Robyn
Jackie
I read your articles every week How can I contact you privately?
ML
There is hope in this situation http://www.hopeatlast.com
BRENDA GANT-USSERY
Rewarding to read about “somewhat” shared situations. Scripture says that when we go through circumstances…. we’re not the only one dealing with “that particular circumstance” that makes me sad. But in reading your articles I now see how sharing can help us persevere and breathe again. Thank You.