There are many heartbreaks that happen during a divorce. The first heartbreak occurs during that gut-wrenching moment you know you are getting divorced: either you both realize the best option for you as a couple is to split, or your ex blindsides you with a conversation that starts with, “Honey, we need to talk,” and then tells you he/she wants a divorce, or you’re the one who knows you need to leave. But there’s another major heartbreak that I hear so often from divorced people: “My ex moved on immediately; 3 seconds after getting separated, in fact.”
Women do it too, but I cannot count the number of calls and emails I get from women, where the conversation starts out, “You are not going to believe this…” Through tears, they tell me the story of how “My ex moved on immediately…” they just found out that the person they split up with 2 weeks ago is already seeing someone, or that someone they know called and told them they saw the ex’s profile on a dating site. Or the worst one, the ex is already in a serious relationship.
It doesn’t matter who left who, finding out “my ex moved on immediately” (or even worse, in a serious relationship) hurts like hell. It happened to me, and 11 years later, I still vividly remember the raw pain I felt and the burning anger and feeling of injustice I felt when I found out my ex had a girlfriend. It still upsets me to think about, only because I thought she was my friend. But the thing is, he wasn’t cheating, he wasn’t lying, and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. We had decided to get divorced. Still, it killed me.
Why? Why? You might thinking. Why did it kill you if you were already getting divorced? Ask any woman and she will say, “It just does.” I guess it’s because you can’t believe that your ex can move on that quickly, and the reality of the divorce hits home. You are really doing this. It also feels unfair—like why does he get to be happy and enjoy a new relationship, while I’m sitting home bawling every night? There is so much anger and resentment, mixed with sentimental feelings of the old days, when the two of you were happy and in love.
So, why do some people rush into a relationship or to dating when their separation is still so raw? I can think of a few reasons:
1. They are lonely.
Usually when two people separate, they have been unhappy and disconnected for quite awhile, so they feel like they’ve been alone for a long time. When they get separated, it’s like getting a license that allows them to either have sex with someone else, or even just enjoy the company of another woman. Loneliness is a terribly painful emotion, so in that respect, I do understand a man (or woman’s) need to start dating.
2. They want to validate that they still have sex appeal.
Do I still have it? That’s the question I think men want to know. Does my equipment still work? Am I attractive to other women? Can I still turn heads? Am I desirable to women and to what kinds of women and what age? To get this validation, they seek out other women.
3. They’re angry and want to hurt their spouse.
There is a deep-seeded anger in some men that might drive them to date other women. The person might even be doing it on a subconscious level, but they are so pissed that their wife wants a divorce, that the best way to get revenge is to show her that you will be just fine, that she is making a huge mistake and that she is going to regret splitting up your family.
4. They want to numb their pain.
I am completely guilty of this one. Having fun with someone new, and having a physical relationship temporarily soothes or takes away the pain of what you are going through. It’s like any other Band-aid: drugs, alcohol, etc. any quick fix to take away the stress and the pain of all the crap you are dealing with in your divorce.
5. They are in denial that any of this is their fault.
This pertains to the guy who has zero self-awareness and plays the victim. His wife just left him and he has no idea why she wasn’t happy. He was a great husband, he wasn’t a drunk, he provided financially, and he wasn’t abusive. So, why did she leave? He can find no fault in himself. Therefore, SHE becomes the problem.
Maybe she begged him to go to counseling and he refused. Maybe he didn’t listen to her when she tried to talk to him but he thinks she is just dramatic, a spoiled brat. Nothing is his fault. So, he is “moving on” with his life and is going to be with a woman who truly appreciates him. In other words, the problem isn’t him, it’s his soon to be ex wife.
In closing, whatever the reason is that so many men get a girlfriend 3 seconds after getting separated, it drives the ex-wife crazy. It is the biggest punch in the stomach you can give your soon to be ex. (Which again is one of the reasons some men do it.)
I’m not saying a woman is justified for feeling this way, and I’m not even saying a guy shouldn’t date when he is ready. I’m saying that this it is shocking and beyond hurtful to a newly separated wife to know her husband has chosen to sleep with another woman (or women plural.)
I think, generally speaking, that men and women grieve in very different ways. Women tend to take things more slowly and wait to get involved with other men after a divorce. (of course, there are many women out there who cheat and leave their husbands for another man, or who date immediately.) A lot of men use dating as a way to cope with the end of their marriage. Nothing is right or wrong and every situation is unique. But that’s my answer to a question I think countless women really want to know.
If your ex has moved in quickly and is in a relationship, I know this sounds crazy, but don’t take it personally. It’s about HIS need to do that for whatever reason. I know it’s hurtful, it’s painful, it’s infuriating, it’s sad, and it might even make you regret the decision to divorce.
The best thing you can do is focus on YOU and how YOU are coping. How are you coping? Here are some healthy ways to cope: Get into a support group, get into therapy, hire a divorce coach, get physical (whether that means yoga, exercise, meditation…), sign up for a class pertaining to a hobby or passion you have, READ (my daughter who has severe anxiety started reading novels a couple months ago and I have seen a drastic change in her anxiety level), stay social, eat healthy, I could go on and on, but the main thing is, take care of yourself and whenever your mind goes to that place of thinking of your ex with “her,” shift your thoughts back to you and YOUR life and YOUR kids.
It’s going to be fine, I promise!
Like this article? Check out, 9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship
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Yvonne Abdul
Thank you for writing this. My husband (currently going through the divorce) started dating someone new three weeks after moving out of the family home. We had been together for 26 years and have three children. I initiated the split so a lot of what you say makes sense as he didn’t accept that we were not working. He’s still with her a year later but I don’t get any sense of joy coming off him. His problem now though, not mine.
Jackie Pilossoph
It seems she is his Band-aid. I hope he will seek therapy. Sounds like he needs it.
Maria Maria Rivera
I am wondering are they still together?
Kelly
after being married 28 years and miserable the last 10, I can understand the lonliness and wanting to be in the company of anyone who enjoys being with you. On the lonliness aspect- I totally get it. In my observations the person initiating the divorce is usually the person whose been ‘over it’ before they approached their spouse about the split. they’ve already wrestled with emotions of a split & are ready to move on by the time they approach you. Usually the person receiving the news has to process it & come to terms with what’s going on. It’s easier for the initiator to begin dating first- they were over the marriage long before they told you!
Jackie Pilossoph
you’re right.
Byron
I couldn’t agree more
Gina
You hot the nail on the head. My soon to be ex-husband was seeing someone else a few days after he told me he wanted a divorce and moved our of our family home. This was five months ago and they are now living together even though our divorce is nowhere near final. It comes as a shock to me as the person who didn’t want the divorce but I realized for him he may have been processing this for months prior to telling me which makes it easier for him to deal with.
Byron
Since we’re “generalizing,” I tend to see one of two things “sorted out” by a divorce: Those people who might be shaken, but are otherwise resilient, confident, and can find inner happiness, and … those who aren’t and can’t.
It’s not a gender thing. I’ll agree that we all grieve differently, but I’ll go beyond that to say that we ALL grieve differently. Even women grieve differently than other women.
I was fortunate to have been able to spend a year in therapy during my divorce. Highly recommended. He mapped the road I’d be on and warned me of the potholes (see 1-5 above). Yeah, it took some willpower to resist. But, I feel like I’ve weathered a pretty brutal emotional storm and come out pretty well now on the other side. I know myself a lot better than I did before. Life’s good.
The only life we control is our own. If you’re watching your ex latch onto someone new right after you split, I think you have to wonder if they were emotionally present or attached to you in the first place? And if they weren’t, there’s not much you’re going to do to change that, and you deserved better anyway. Don’t dwell on their behavior, unless it’s for private amusement. I think my ex is on #5 in less than three years. I stayed away from dating for a full year, and #1 is still around two years later. Yes, life’s pretty good. I deserved better. It took a divorce to realize that.
Gina
Since we’re “generalizing,” I tend to see one of two things “sorted out” by a divorce: Those people who might be shaken, but are otherwise resilient, confident, and can find inner happiness, and … those who aren’t and can’t.
That statement is so true. My husband initiated our divorce after 9 years of marriage and coincidentally after we returned this year from Spring Break with our young sons. Three days after he moved out of our marital home I found out he was seeing someone and now five months later they live together(with her three children she was also married at the time they got together) I kept wondering how they could be ok with this but through therapy I figured out they are both searching for something and are broken and have temporarily found that in each other. Considering our divorce is nowhere near final I wouldn’t even consider “dating” right now but again my search is for peace and happiness not fulfillment from an individual. For the sake of our kids I wish him well.
Kristi
Thank you for this Byron, the first thing my therapist said to me when I started to see her was that she could see that I am resilient.
I always kinda felt it in my gut that my now-ex-husband may have always been cheating, again like you said, because I always felt like he really just wasn’t that emotionally present or just plain old in to me. I used to say to him that I loved him more. I finally came to the realization last night that it was easy for him to move on because he didn’t have anything to mourn. Losing me was or our marriage was no big deal to him because he was already done with me and was just waiting for me to leave so that, as he says, he can get on with his life.
My question is how do I catch my breath again? When I found out I felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut and couldn’t catch my breath and I still can’t.
Mistymeeru
Dear Kristi, Same here its looks like lm reading my own story.
How are doing right now? lm still kind off angry and grieving at the same time. My ex husband cheated on me and he left me for the other woman.
May
I can relate the pain. I separated with my husband (only married for 2.5 years) for a week now, but he was cheating on me with paid sex and has been on dating websites for a 6-7 months before he moved out (that’s the reason for the separation). I went through the grief before we actually separated, it was tough. I cried so much. Now knowing him already on dating apps doesn’t trigger any emotions to me anymore.
Katie
Agreed! My ex had a girlfriend quite quickly. Even though I initiated the separation and subsequent divorce, it still hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Every time they broke up for awhile he’d come back and say he wanted to try again with me. Each time I told him he had to be alone for awhile and show me he could be happy alone and by himself before we could try again. Each time he went back to her within days. It’s been 3 years and I recently started dating an old friend. Its healthy and I’m happy because I ran into this guy during a time when I was completely content to be alone and didn’t feel like I needed anyone. It makes for a great partnership where we are each responsible for our own happiness. I’d take the wait over the on and off relationship and internal loneliness that my ex has sentenced himself to any day!
Sue
Katie. My situation is very similar. I initiated the break up as he was depressed and emotionally unavailable and I had to carry the whole family. I was so tired and begged for counselling but he refused. 6 months later he re partnered and and was with her for 2 years. Before Xmas he broke up with her, tried to come back to me, I said no, he immediately went back to begging her to come back, and she did. I live in a small town and do NOT want to bump into them, so he warns me when she’s coming to visit ( she lives in the city an hour away) and tells me where they are going so I can avoid them; so I can stay invisible, so he can pretend our 17 year marriage never happened and enjoy his new one. Fuck him. I haven’t been with anyone, it’s coming up to 3 years and I am still devastated. I don’t want him back, but I feel like he just brushed the whole marriage under the carpet and found someone new so easily. He is happy, I am miserable. Plus he now goes out with our friends and her as if I have died or something. I feel so betrayed, I feel like the whole marriage meant nothing to him if he is able to move on so quickly. I just don’t know when I am ever going to get over this. I am in counselling every 2 weeks, exercising and doing all the right stuff, but it doesn’t seem to be shifting.
Laural
Wow Sue, your story sounds just like mine, but I had no clue he was unhappy with our marriage(I knew he was unfulfilled and unhappy with his job and financially he said he felt like a failure lately because I was making more $ and had become the breadwinner in our marriage team) but he always said me and the kids were everything to him) we had a really great, happy marriage, I always felt so lucky and loved and supported, we never really fought and any disagreements we always worked through effectively, we talked all the time about everything, (or so I thought anyway), we are both super active, fit and healthy, skiing, fishing, hiking, as well we both have lots of individual hobbies and interested, we did loads of things together as a family but always made sure to have our own adventures too, we were together for 22 years together and 13 of those married.
So after covid lockdowns lifted I took a much needed ladies trip with a friend for 2 weeks and then came home to a changed man. Subtle at first and it took me a few weeks to figure out what the hell was going on, why he was acting ‘different’ – well turns out he had started having an affair with a woman we worked with – a woman who knew us and our kids very well.
I was so shocked when I found out I kept it a secret and just collected information, and proof from texts between them and started catching him in so many lies it was shocking.
I started asking him if something was going on and finally after he denied it several times I confronted him with my proof and he was forced to admit he was having an affair.
Worst part was after it was out he would not stop seeing her and started rewriting our history to justify what he was doing, saying we never had a connection and he always felt we were destined to fail, he didn’t love me anymore. It was so heartbreaking and insulting and just plain unoriginal and has completely destroyed me. It’s been almost 2 years now, we live in a tiny town, he has moved out but we split custody and still get along hanging out together often with the kids doing lots of things as a family unit, and it’s great and feels natural, but when anything related to her or our relationship comes up it goes bad. He is still with her although he hides that fact from everyone, he vows although he doesn’t want to be back with me this thing with her is not long term and he has no intention to ever bring her around our kids. It’s the most awful thing to be just thrown away and replaced after so long as if I didn’t matter. It’s torture having to constantly run into her around this small town we live in and know they are still together. I have spent so much time grieving this loss both on my own and by talking it out with friends and family ( and in therapy) but it’s just so hurtful to see how he easily moved on and is not feeling any loneliness or loss because he has her as his new person, so he seems just fine with how it’s all worked out and I am still here, stuck in the pain of rejection, trying to keep it together for our kids.
I’m just not sure what to do to move on…
How are you doing now?
Amy
23 years in a relationship. Married for the last 9. One child. I gave him permission to leave. He would have stayed unhappy, threatening to leave monthly for the rest of our lives if I didn’t. We were best friends, but grew comfortable. So comfortable that we were both unhappy (sexless). Nothing we did fixed it. Nothing… motivated us to show affection for eachother.
He moved out at the beginning of the summer & it was very noneventful. We still talked on the phone, shared time with our son, still had dinners together once a week as family. We even went to Magic Mountain together last month & took our son out trick or treating. Besides not living together, it was almost like nothing had changed.
Until I realized it was just me who felt that way. Through a series of events that he didn’t plan on happening (breaking his arm- another long story), I found out he had a girlfriend. For weeks now! In fact, he is taking her to another state to visit his family. Guess it is serious.
My anger lies in that I was easily fooled. He has always come off as the nice guy. He is the one who will omit information or white lie to avoid hurting you. He did this perfectly for months. I shouldn’t feel betrayed. I let him go. I am actually okay with my decision. But the realization that he has actually moved on is devastating. It made it real. It closed that tiny window of hope that things could have changed. It is now “over over”. It hurts. Very badly.
Caroline Bavey
Hi there,
I was married for 25 years. He had betrayed me before and I always stayed. January Last year I decided it had to stop and we separated. I felt sick and sad and scared. For the whole of last year every time he came back to the house he would cry and make me feel really bad and that I was breaking him to the point of total darkness. I have suffered all year with my decision wondering was I right in doing so etc etc. However in the New Year I found out that within 2 weeks he had moved on with the person I thought he was up to no good with and she willingly accepted knowing he was married as at first she didn’t know about the separation however claims now she isn’t at fault and it wasn’t her fault. Prior to Christmas they had planned on coming out publicly and moving on with their lives, but still at Christmas he came home to spend Christmas as a family and begged me to take him back, at that point I was contemplating doing so, Christmas was amazing he said he would call their relationship off, and he did. To try for us to reconcile. After finding out everything else recently and I told him it won’t work between us, within an hour he was back to the girlfriend asking her to take him back, that he had made a mistake and it was her he loved and wanted. She rebuked him and he came back to me????
Why though do I still feel a pang to forgive him and take him back? I’m terrified of the future and I also live in Rural Scotland with 2 kids it’s highly unlikely I get to move on as easy as him moving away. However I don’t think I’m emotionally stable to move on and I agree with others above, that I need to learn to love me and find me. It isn’t easy, though it broke my heart when I found everything out and I feel I am back to square one. I didn’t end my marriage because I had moved on or didn’t love him. I ended it because i was beginning to resent him and what he was doing and I didn’t want to be that bitter married woman making their husbands life a living hell. I thought I could wait and hold out for the children’s sake but I was so unhappy and all the trust had gone. I feel for anyone that is going through this. I will not hate the father of my children but I do find it difficult to be near him. A year on and I feel like it has just happened all over again!
Steph
Mine found a gf on a dating site about 2 weeks after we separated after 25 years. He’s an alcoholic who does not believe he has a problem. We have split up twice before (all three times with a restraining order). He wasn’t contributing emotionally, physically or financially. He had no relationship with our kids. I had his phone line turned off and he uses her phone to contact our adult kids because he hasn’t any money (apparently) to get his own phone line. I’m actually heartbroken over it and cannot get these images and f them out of my brain or the thoughts of him giving her everything I asked, waited and begged for all these years. It’s gut wrenching.
Katy
April 11, 2020 at 2:52 pm
I had a mental breakdown left my husband of 23 years, told him I needed time to fix me but filed for legal separation. He was devastated within 1 1/2 months he joined tinder for a hookup found a girl and slept with her 2 week broke off she wanted more . Then she came back said ok I get it saw her again for a couple weeks. I knew he was seeing someone was ok with it……. now we are back together and I feel betrayed I feel I need details he refuses to give… he says I did nothing wrong and he’s right he didn’t however I still feel cheated on and he won’t even say he would be with me had I went with another man….. how can I make him see how desperately I need this to move on…the truth cannot be near what my imagination is doing to me anxiety and bouts of depression he still won’t tell me…
jimmy
Ok, so you had a mental breakdown, left your husband, and filed paperwork.
What did you think would happen?
You basically abandoned him on all levels with the only explanation of “I need to fix me” and I don’t want your help. That’s pretty devastating bomb to drop on someone.
Did you even think about what might happen to your marriage when you walked away?
Who was going to fix him after you dropped that bomb on him?
How much of a catch he might be for other woman?
You can’t expect someone else to put their life on hold until you can figure out if you still want to be married. That’s something you should’ve did before you left. It’s selfish and inconsiderate.
Stop bemoaning the fact things didn’t go as you planned and that other women still find him attractive. It makes you look weak and petty.
Focus on the fact he came back to be with you.
Keep in mind, you betrayed his trust. Not the other way around. Show some accountability for yourself instead of trying to valid your feelings as facts.
Ali
The most obvious is missing – #1 reason is that they checked out of the marriage LONG ago & are simply ready to move on. The last 2 years of my marriage my Ex became emotionally unavailable & completely detached from me, then moved onn to someone else.
lydia
My husband and I recently separated. We’ve been married for six years and it has been an abusive marriage of sorts. I wanted to resolve the issue myself so that I can be a great mother and wife to the family, but I feel it’s a waste of time trying to fix my marriage because. broken down and emotionally depressed I wanted peace so i can focus on my children. I feels it is unfair for me trying to fix it alone putting all my effort I was confused.
Dor
I think the ex who moves on quick definitely wants to prove to himself that he can find someone
He is insecure
I don’t think they are lonely, there wasn’t enough time to be lonely
Maybe the ex is needy
Moving in too quickly with someone can be damaging
You don’t really know someone even in a couple of years
Take ur time finding the right person
Pat
I read this article a while back when I was actually going thru this exact same thing. After 17 years and 2 kids together, he moved on a month after we seperated. He became a completely different person overnight. I was the one to stay behind to clean up the mess. She ended up being his rebound and it only lasted just a few short months. This person did cause a lot of damage though. There was another article here that talked about why people move on quickly and I remember it helped me better understand why it happened even though this was something I personally never could do myself. It was to fill the void of us ending and running away from his problems, it was just simply his way of dealing with things. To this day he hasn’t been able to keep a relationship. I can say I am fully healed and have found the love of my life, when at the time, I never thought this would happen to me or that anyone would want me. Its scary at first and I know its cliche but do your best to focus on yourself, it takes a very long time. I now go to the gym, spend time with friends, travel and get to focus on myself more then I would have ever done had I stayed with him, I was set free and I have no regrets now. Years ago I would have never felt this way, so trust me I know the pain you all feel. Its like mourning a death. It takes time. My kids and I went to therapy and that helped tremendously. Don’t stew in your anger, it eats away at you it consumes you while they move on with their lives not caring about you, so ask yourself, why bother wasting any more time over this person? Please take the time to heal, hurt people-hurt people.
John Holmes
I laugh at all this crap. Recently divorced myself (wifey filed because I was a (“lousy husband and father, fat and undesireable”) For 25 YEARS and as usual it is always the men’s fault! How many got to the point of drawing pictures to get your point across???? Emailing them, texting them, gifts,letters, cards, surprise gifts, the list goes on and on(and I am not the only guy going through this) ALMOST EVERY GUY I KNOW IS!!! Here is an odd idea, MAYBE IT IS ALL THE FEMALE ISSUES???? No, that can’t be because it is all “you-go-girl” and as soon as something a female does, it is automatically the men’s fault! Well when the comment was made to me, I “showed” her! 23, 25,25,30! all extremely attractive, smart, all around top notch women. So this of course did not go over all that well! But like almost EVERY article is always the men’s fault. Well, start looking in the mirror! These females in the US are HORRIBLE!!! (DO THE RESEARCH, RATED BOTTOM 5% GLOBALLY) (BTW, the US male is rated TOP 5%) why???? They are almost ALL EXTREME NARCISSISTS! Look it up! So now that they are viewed as trash, the poor souls don’t like it! Boo-hoo! There are countless sites bashing these piss poor excuses for females! WHY??? Because they are great?(in their own minds)So you have all these Beta guys supporting these useless cheating piles of crap, but the truth hurts! you can’t solve a problem unless you know what the cause is. Hmmm, “single moms”, drug addicts, smokers, alcoholics, tattoos, piercings, feminism, slobs, obesity, cheats, liars, thieves, sneaks, no -makeup-face OBESITY, horrible clothing choices,social media addiction, electronics addiction, psychosis, generally piss poor life choices. But this is the guy’s fault. No keep kissing their asses! So good, here’s one for you! “what ye shall sow, ye shall reap” Does anyone know where that came from? Probably not! Stand out side any church and look at these females going in that looked like they just rolled out of bed, no makeup, sweats,hair a mess, don’t even look like they took a bath! Oh yeah. I want that! That is the males fault as well. Well the stupid ass I was dumb enough to “put a ring on it”, is going to learn a hard lesson now! 58/59 and single HAHA!!! So far the youngest is 21! So what would I want with a 50/60 year old??? No sex? sagging skin, psychotic episodes, no sex, “I shouldn’t have to do that”s, yeah.You females have had your run, now it is time to pay the piper! Or in other words(oh and where did this come from again??) REAP WHAT YE HAS SOWN! Now the solution??? How about this concept??? Admit to all the screwed up choices y’all have made, AND CHANGE IT! Educate the youth to NOT do all the narcissistic crap you indulged in??? Hmmm, now there is a novel idea! Or you can continually just conveniently blame the man! (most likely the case)Women don’t know there place, they used to bring a lot of good to society, their corruption has destroyed society as a whole. Guys always did stupid shit, women were the reins on society. Not now! i read some where, want to see where society is headed, watch the women and children. Look out your window and see! Case and point! They all look like rejects from a Barnum/Baily circus! Yeah every guy wants to go out with some skank riddled with body modifications! or smells like a rotten McDowel’s hamburger! They can’t even pick up an attractive perfume anymore! it have to smell like some desert or oily air freshener! They might be better off hanging some Littletrees (pine scent maybe) on their necks! They are constantly plowing into the back of someone because they just can’t put their damn phone down! (usually with kids in the car!) So yeah, the guy moves on with a much younger chick and the “poor exwife” is “upset”! Boo-hoo. Well how many times has he requested something or was devoid of attention, because there was ALWAYS something else to do. These jackassed females neglect their relationship(as long as he is making money) and he decides to get some trim on the side because “she is too busy”, or can’t be bothered to wear makeup, heels, stockings, sexy clothes(as long as she is not some behemoth) add some pushback and invest in him. So my attitude is die ALONE! There is always a younger one waiting in que! Antiques have value as long as they are kept up and serve a purpose. Women not so much!
Kevin Anderson
I’ve walked down the same dark corridor that you seem to be in right now. Despite this long venting post tinged with anger, I don’t fully disagree with you. Modern women have lost their way, but its been that way for a long time. Men have gone astray now too.
As another man who has been there, I hope you can read my advice and take something from it.
First of all, it’s really not their fault. A woman cannot possibly love you the way that you want them too. What you have been taught about them is a lie.
A woman holds two competing drives in their sexual pursuits. Part of her pushes towards stability and provider-ship and the equal but louder half pushes her towards the fun, exciting, and status inducing men. Their dualistic nature runs counter to everything popular media tells men a woman wants.They literally want the best of both, but that kind of man doesn’t actually exist.
Look at point number 5 in the article, it spells it right out. The woman got tired of hunting for the perfect man so she settled for the good man who takes proper care of her. And now years later he is boring and can’t seem to bring the fun and boost her social status. So she pushes him to counseling and badgers him. The man looks around in earnest and wonders “I am faithful, I am present, I am safe and kind, I am not drunk or on drugs, I work hard and put bread in our mouths, I am responsible to the home and to her and the kids… what more could I possibly do?” He was trained that this is what will make a woman love him, but its really not. She wants him to somehow do all these things and also be the cool bad guy who shirks all those things and does whatever he wants.
It’s this dual nature that will let a woman tease along a good man for months or even years but jump into bed immediately with the exciting guy who barely holds a job. Your major gripe isn’t with the individual women, its with the femcentric western society. It has removed all stigma for this type of behavior and allows women to remain in their confused hypergamous state.
In response to this men have done a few things, such as, being an alpha dick bag, going scorched earth, or just completely walking away from it.
you my friend are currently going scorched earth. It’s not a nice place to be.
They say women are the romantics, but in truth, the men are.
The bottom line is, you have to bury this hatchet and give these women some grace. Take care of yourself, love being alone when you are. Be the man you want to be. That means find friends and hobbies, and truly live them. Be this guy for awhile and in time add women back in. The trick this time is not to stop being that guy in favor of the woman. Once you are ready you will find the right woman is the one who won’t stop you from going out and seeing friends and doing hobbies, and she will abide by your pace and follow your lead. She will see you as the prize and not the other way around.
Don’t get sucked in by the woman who is settling for you again.
Luke
I have to chime in on a lot of what people are saying. Check the accuracy please.
I will start with facts
1. in a marriage it’s actually women that leave and the figure is over 80%. they often have fallen in love with another man.
2. no men out up with the idea women need constant validation of your love for them etc but they initiate nothing first.
3. if you want me to respect you more, stop asking him to do things like your his boss. your not he already has one at work. if you want something done and mention it and he doesn’t do it, do it yourself.
4. go to the gym , train and look hot for him and he will be jumping around more to keep you happy. don’t expect to put no effort in and he is super excited like he was when you met. remember monkey see monkey do, and he will jump on a treadmill too if he sees you go first.
5. stop using the kids as an excuse. Men know it’s BS and you are using then and weaponising something you shouldn’t.
in conclusion: I am going through the same thing as everyone here. my ex wife wants a divorce because she didn’t feel like her emotional needs where met, while I worked my ass off.
I want to say that emotional needs can only be met if A B C are all done first. it’s the reward after the fact not before.
And if you didn’t work for it don’t act like you get most of it and also using the kids as an excuse.
my mother and father both worked long hours.
my mother even studied.
I learnt to cook to make a nicer meal for everyone and you know we all turned out just fine.
so NO ONE has the right to say I need to stay home to look after the kids, that’s huge deflection from the real issue that one person doesn’t want to work and work hard.
Lis
I’m.wondering who looked after the children while your parents worked hard and studied ?
Ash
I left my kids father twice, first time we didn’t have a child
as much as I want to point my finger at him, I cannot.
I left him twice for two guys, immediately, I used to make excuses, I used to call him abusive, I used to talk shit about him constantly every time id leave.
the truth is, I was trying to dampen my shitty behaviors. when i was with him and I would go out, if there was a cute guy, I would always hide my boyfriend. or make it seem like he wasn’t nothing special. I did this naturally, I wanted to keep my options open, I loved my boyfriend, but his spark faded away in my eyes long ago.I felt stuck in an old relationship, I felt like I was settling, I felt like I wanted out so bad but I was so comfortable I couldn’t leave.
I cheated on him lots, I made sure I was drunk so I didn’t feel guilty. always used that excuse “I was drunk”.
when I left him the first time, I was so sexually attracted to the new guy, I just threw my ex away, I didn’t care, i knew what I was doing was wrong. but I couldn’t help myself. the spark was to intense, even if it was just temporary.
when I got back with my ex, it reminded me of a cheap knock off story book that I already read. I was bored, it sucked, there was no spark from my end, I was mad because I felt like I got lost place, I felt like I shoulda been with the new guy. n my ex, he pretended like nothing happened, which made me even more mad.
anyways, we had a baby, not planned, I tried to be loyal, I felt the itch coming, a new guy came along again, I cheated, n jumped to him n my ex, I couldn’t look at him, but I couldn’t be with him, he wasn’t what I wanted,
I feel stupid for putting him through all that, I guess I just am chasing the spark. being in that wave length of high energy.
I really fucked up my exes life and I feel bad. but I couldn’t control myself
Allo watsky
so my sister actually was the bad one cheated lied manipulated a very honest and devoted man she called him arm candy and how he’s just a safety net cause he had a house a job and a truck but yeah as usual she got caught blamed him for having a reaction then kept lying Idk how but he got proof sent it to her also her boss lol and unfortunately he
took his own life cause he was depressed he also lost his mom to cancer before my sister left well he kicked her out but she was gonna leave him once he put her on the house he had lol he never did but instead gave the house away to charity then they found him 2 weeks but yeah my sister still hasn’t been told about his death but my mom said she has to know so she’s being told today
Kirk
my ex left me in 2018. I tried everything to get her to go to counseling. she just wouldn’t do it. I tried everything to save our relationship. she wanted out. she said a family just wasn’t what she wanted anymore
I wish I could turn back time. I miss my family