Jackie, my husband left me for another woman and I still love him. We dated for 10 years, and we were married for 6 and a half years, we have no children. My now ex husband was behaving very weird for months, he swore everything was fine but I was suspicious. I even confronted him and asked him if he was seeing someone else, which he denied completely and even got mad at me for asking.
Still after that, he was still very distant, he did a lot of traveling due to business. One day he told me he wanted to talk. I was happy because I thought he finally wanted to share with me what was bothering him. I never thought he was going to tell me he wanted to leave. He gave me no more explanation than saying he was overwhelmed by the marriage and wanted to be alone and single, that I was not the problem, that it was all him. This helped me a little to manage my own guilt, but still all this has crushed me. He asked for a divorce 3 weeks later, two months after that, we were already divorced.
It’s been 5 months today since the day he left, I’ve been in therapy which
has helped me a lot but still hurts like hell. The thing is, he
moved out of the country less than a month after we signed the divorce,
he supposedly was given this job offer after he decided to leave me. I
guess no one will ever know if that is true. He still swears there is not
someone else, he lives alone in this new country. I feel betrayed, hurt, humiliated, I expected an apology, a more elaborated explanation or maybe even a goodbye. He walked out of almost 17 years of relationship and forgot
everything very easily and left me here.
What hurts me the most is that he thought divorce was the only option, he didn’t fight for our marriage, he didn’t even give us a chance, no couples therapy … Nothing.
Advice for: “My Husband Left Me For Another Woman”
Of course, I first want to tell you how sorry I am for the pain you are going through. How awful not to have the answers and know the real reason your husband chose to leave. That’s a hard way to live. So, I’d like to offer you 6 pieces of advice that might make sense, with the hope to make what happened to you a little bit easier.
1. Try not to focus on continuing to figure out why he left.
I know myself and if I were you, I would be coming up with a new explanation every day of why he MIGHT have left for another woman. And, it would drive me insane. So, if you are doing that, stop. Just stop. You might never find out, or one day, you might.
I have a friend who was separated for four years and never really knew for sure why his wife wanted a divorce. Four years later, the ex-wife of some guy called him and read him emails from four years earlier between her now ex and his ex-wife. It was then he found out she was having an affair. (The guy ended up divorcing her, by the way). I have a feeling you might find out some day. But for now, just say to yourself that you might never know and accept it. Try to come to peace with that.
2. Stop blaming yourself.
If I were you, I would probably be saying things like, “Maybe if I would have paid more attention to him…” “Maybe if I was a better wife…” “Maybe if I would have appreciated him more and shown him for affection…” “Maybe if that one time when he wanted to go to Europe, if I had said yes…” Stop. Say these words to yourself: “I was the best wife I knew how to be and I will not look back or regret anything because it won’t bring him back. I will forgive myself for anything I think I did that wasn’t the best, love me for who I am, and try to learn and grow from this.” Be kind to yourself. I suspect the reason he left had much more to do with HIM.
3. Write to him (but don’t send anything).
When I was separated, I used to write really long letters to my ex (which makes sense because I’m a writer) but the thing is, I never sent them to him. I just wrote them to soothe my pain, and guess what? It worked. Pour out your feelings. Tell him everything you want to say. Call him every name. Tell him you still miss the smell of his pillow. Write whatever helps you feel better. But, do not send anything to him. Writing can feel so good, and can be better than any bottle of wine or drug you’ve ever taken!
4. Minimize time with his family.
Hanging around his family is not helping you. I’m sure they are very nice people and I’m sure they love you, but you need to focus on YOUR friends and family, and meeting new friends. I’m not saying never see them, but it’s just hurting you more right now, and if you want to move on, I would distance yourself a little bit.
5. Nurture and love yourself.
This is really big. You’re saying “My husband left me for another woman,” when you are the woman you should be focused on! Please take care of yourself and love yourself. Just because a man chose to leave you, that doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable. He is just one man.
6. Celebrate the rest of your life.
Do you realize that you have an entire life ahead of you, a chance to be with someone who won’t leave you? It doesn’t matter if you are 40, 50, 60 or even 70. If you hae health, you have time; time to make a great life for yourself. Maybe not the one you envisioned, but you have the freedom to do anything! Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what that life is. A divorce coach can be very very helpful in finding your path.
My husband left me for another woman and I still love him is BRUTAL. I’m not minimizing the pain you must be feeling. Maybe someday what happened will make sense and maybe it never will. But instead of focusing on that, focus on day-to-day life, living for now, and planning for a bright and happy future. It may seem unrealistic to think about a new life, and that’s OK. Just take it day by day. I promise, things will get better, but you have to help it along by getting the help you need, taking care of yourself, and honestly, just letting time go by. But one day, you will look in the mirror and realize how much better everything is, and that where you were 6 months ago was way worse. That will continue to happen. Try to have patience and faith. And love yourself because this wasn’t your fault! You deserve love and a good life. Tell yourself that every day.
Like this article? Check out, “After Trust is Broken, How Can You Trust Anyone Again?”
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Michelle
This post was extremely helpful and really hit home. This happened to me 6 weeks ago. We do have a 19-month-old and unfortunately for us, he lives in the area and wants to see our daughter. I almost think it would have been easier if he moved away. I agree with all these tips and am trying to use them in my own life right now.
Karen
This is great advice. I have moved on from asking why and trying to figure it out. It is so hard to quiet your mind of these questions.
I will be working on your other steps.
I am so glad I found your blog! You have no idea how much your blog is helping me through this! Thank you sincerely !
Tiffany
Great advice!!! I need to follow this advice better. After dating for 5 years and married for almost 3 my ex said he wasn’t happy and that he was done. No explanation, no reason, nothing. I blamed myself and still do at times. I try to come up with answers in my head as to why this happened. I hear from others that this is hard for him as well…. If this is hard for him then why didn’t he want to try to figure this out? Why didn’t he put effort into counseling? We’ve been divorced for almost 3 months, I’ve been thinking about going to our marriage counselor that we met with once but u keep putting it off. I just need to do it!
JoAnn
Reading this blog has helped me somewhat. I am two weeks into my husband of 14 years of marriage and a 2 year relationship before that moving out. It feels as though he is just throwing all of it away. And right before the holidays. I’m trying to figure out what happened but your advise to not do that I will ponder. And continue to read blogs. Very helpful. Thankyou
Jackie Pilossoph
God bless you. I wish you all the best during the holiday season and after. You’re going to be OK. Believe that.
Susan
My husband left after 4 weeks of marriage with very little explanation, just that he wasn’t happy and wanted space. Before we got married we lived together for 20 years and together 2 years before that, so over 22 years in total. I asked why he married me and he just said that he had felt happy to do that.
I am devastated, he won’t discuss anything with me and has refused any counseling. He has stopped contacting me completely now. It is as if he threw a grenade into the room then ran.
Jackie Pilossoph
I am so so sorry! What a traumatic, devastating experience. I am thinking of you.
Susan
Thank you Jackie. Yes, I am finding it very hard to comprehend. We had a really good relationship for all the years before we married, in fact he seemed the perfect partner. Totally kind and supportive of me. I suppose it goes to show that you can never really trust a situation or a person. Sorry to sound so cynical.
Jackie Pilossoph
I think you are only temporarily cynical. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that there are no guarantees with anyone or any situation, which is why walking away appreciating the time you had is important. I get it. I’m sure you are beyond hurt and angry and as you said cynical. But I think that will fade over time, and will depend on who you meet. There are certain people you meet and you trust instantly trust them. Listen to your gut. I wish you the best.
Renee
All these comments are similar to my situation with a husband that changes and is gone physically and emotionally from along relationship. Long courtship, longer marriage. He wanted to start over while he was still young enough, he said. He has been horrible thoughout the divorce. Does bad behavior during the divorce erase all the good years we had? Every mean thing he does now seems to erase more of the good times.
Jackie Pilossoph
I always beleived that was God’s way of helping me get over the divorce quicker. You can’t long for someone who is acting like an asshole. 🙂
Deb
Almost 4 months now that my husband of 20 yrs walked out for another woman. We didn’t have the best marriage and he was never willing to talk or do anything to make it better. I’m trying to accept that this is my life now. I’m not exaggerating when I say he’s a horrible person. True narcissist. I hurt and he doesn’t. He just threw me away. I am bashed in social media daily by his family. I just want to stop hurting.
Jackie Pilossoph
Your husband did you a huge favor, you just don’t realize that yet because it’s too soon. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and I can understand that. But I think you are wrong when you say he isn’t hurting. He doesn’t appear to be hurting, but he is. He doesn’t even realize he’s hurting because he is covering up his hurt with a new relationship. Try not to look at it as “he threw me away,” but rather, this is an opportunity for you to live another life. The hardest part is now, because you have to find that life. When you do, you will look back and be so glad things turned out this way. “We didn’t have the best marriage” is no way to live. You deserve to say, “We have the best relationship!!” Trust me, you will be better off, it just takes awhile. It’s a journey. It’s a hard journey but try to focus on the good parts of it. xoxo
Deb
Thank you for responding. I can only take it day by day and I appreciate hearing from you what my friends and family have also said-I will be better off. Again, thank you so much for reenforcing what I need to believe.
Annie
My husband of 9 years and partner for 14 years left in January. We reconciled in March and he left again 3 weeks ago. No reasons. We have no drama, no addiction, no financial challenges. We share base core values. He called an atty today and I will, apparently, have papers at the end of next week for our uncontested divorce. I’m crushed. In his mind it’s been coming a long time. In mine, it just happened. I wish he were heartbroken, too. But he’s not.
Jeff
Jackies advice is spot on. I’m a guy-married exactly 25 years,3 wonderful children and in-fact a lovely,great wife. She just came home,separated, (ugh 5 years ) and then divorced. Several deaths in our families, a great deal of baggage from how she observed her parents marriage and probably baggage from her childhood, (that we all bring into marriages) were all contributors. Gosh it took a long time to heal. But you will make it. Don’t give up,pray and keep your faith. Also read this column. Even as a guy it did wonders for me. Your young,go get “your dreams”! Make it happen.
Jeff 😉