Several years ago, one of my best girlfriends called me. Through tears, she said, “My husband left me for another woman.” It was horrible. I could not have felt worse for her.
She had been happily married (or so she thought) for over two decades, and was unearthed by her husband asking for a divorce, and then marrying the woman he was cheating with, just days after their divorce was final.
It was a tough road for my friend. I watched her go from rock bottom at day one, trying to absorb the shock, through all the phases. They included tears, depression, furry, fear, bad dates, confusion. Where is she now? She is a happy, healthy beautiful, successful person who is very much in love with a great guy.
Now, what about her ex?
Here is where I think any woman who experiences “My husband left me for another woman” will benefit.
My friend went on her ex’s new wife’s twitter account the other day. Now, I know that might seem a little stalker-ish, but I actually don’t see it that way. I call it curious. Trust me, I’ve seen way worse when it comes to men and women stalking their ex’s. This was harmless.
So, anyhow, she saw all the people the woman followed on Twitter, and noticed that she follows 10 cheating sites! Sites that include information like, “how to catch your husband cheating,” “What to do if you think you husband is cheating,” and “signs he’s sleeping with someone else.”
The reason this is important to share is because I get so many “My husband left me for another woman” emails (and emails from men whose wives left) and what I see happen so often is that the person paints this picture in their head that everything is blissful with their ex and his new spouse.
NOT THE CASE!
Here is a woman who willingly began an affair with a married man, stole him from the wife, and is now suspecting that he is cheating on her. That doesn’t sound very blissful to me.
I am of the opinion that any relationship which starts with lies and cheating has a huge chance of failure and divorce, long term. Why? Because eventually, the burden of the guilt associated with what you did catches up with you and it damages the relationship. The person ends up with such self-hatred. They either take it out on the new person (like it was his or her fault for participating in the cheating) or they cheat again.
That’s just my theory. I don’t want to generalize, and I am sure there are countless men and women who technically cheated, but whose marriages were totally over. In other words, they hadn’t slept with their spouse in years, were disconnected, etc.
Not saying that cheating in any case is acceptable/excusable—maybe those people should have left first. But, I’m not judging anyone. It’s the ones who decided to cheat, who were still sleeping with the spouse–who didn’t even know there was a problem. That’s where I have issues.
Here’s the thing. If you are the first wife (or husband), your ex’s new spouse will always feel just a little bit second class, if in fact they cheated with your ex. That’s my opinion, right or wrong.
They will also always know in the back of their mind that they hurt an innocent person. They keep that guilt and shame locked away in a remote part of their core, thinking it will eventually stop bugging them, but it never will.
Even if they tell everyone things like, “From what I heard, she was a bitch, she was mean to him, he never really felt understood by her, she’s psycho and can’t understand that he just doesn’t love her anymore,” etc. etc. , in the back of their mind, they know what they did was morally wrong. So, wouldn’t you rather be YOU than her?
My point is, no relationship is 100% blissful every second of every day. BUT, relationships that start out with cheating have a lot less bliss than those whose relationships start out healthy–without lies, without deceit, without hurting someone.
When YOU meet someone and fall in love again, your relationship will have started off without dishonesty, and without having hurt anyone. It’s a beautiful beginning, not a tainted, scummy one.
I’m sure it really really hurts to be left for someone else, but the bottom line is, don’t assume that they are going to live happily ever after. Their future is baggage filled, and it’s only a matter of time before the infatuation wears off, the sexiness of sneaking around gets old, and reality sets in that they are just an ordinary married couple–only they don’t really know each other so well.
All each of them knows is that their new partner was willing to hurt someone badly, didn’t put the children first, and only thought of themselves. That doesn’t sound very blissful to me.
Like this post? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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Kath
Isn’t life strange?! As usual your words are right on the money. Thanks for your amazing ability to see clearly on tough topics!
Darryl
Simple fact is if someone will cheat with you. eventually they will cheat on you. Call it Karma or Reaping what you sow, It amounts to the same thing..
Jackie Pilossoph
Very true.
Elisa
I agree because I believe in ‘what goes around, comes around’. I guess it happens also to narcissists. It may be a sickness but the sickness started with a simple choice. And that one simple choice led to what later becomes a disease called, sex addiction, porn addict, cheater, betrayer and lier who leads a double life.
Anyes Vedel
i believe in karma.
My husband left me for an old flame he had a romance 31 years ago ( 1988 ).
I have lost my family, my best friend, my kids lives have been shattered just for his selfishness.
Lee
Did he get his karma?
Amy
you lost your best friend? no, you lost a liar, a cheater and not a good person. stop putting a piece of lying shit on a pedastal
Tamara
Thank you for the words. I’m trying to get my heart to believe what my head knows to be true. Today’s just one of those days I can’t believe he threw it all away.
Wes
My ex left me two weeks after meeting another man. She swears that he was only the straw that broke the camels back and she swears it would have ended anyway.
We actually had sex the night before she left me. I had felt that we were going through a bit of a rough patch prior to her leaving, but she never ever told me she was unhappy. In fact the month prior to her leaving we had gone camping with my work, and went to her dads farm 8 hours away with the kids. All seemed ok until she met him. Well ok from my perspective, apparently not from hers. We had arguments, and we had lots of good times. But I had no idea she was so unhappy.
This article hits home because from the outside it seems blissful. He has lots of money (money was a problem for us, but was actually getting better) and buys her expensive stuff that we likely would not have bought if we were together.
I had been checking in with her over the few prior months to make sure we were ok, and the answer was always yes.
I know where I screwed up and the saddest thing is I have changed in only a short time, but her limerence for this other man is too high for her to even care. Had she only told me how dire it was on her end I could have changed sooner (I had already started to long before she broke it off).
Anyway great article. I only want her happiness and overall I am happy, although at some moments it hits me like a brick. The hardest part is the lack of time I now have with my children. I know this will impact them for the rest of their lives.
Kelli
Thank you so very much for this!!! I just learned today that my ex husband is engaged and we’ve only been divorced for 3 months.They definitely were having a relationship while we were still married. I truly wish them the best. When my time comes to experience real love it will be based on honesty, trust and a clean slate!
Happy, healing and healthy thoughts to us all!!! xoxoxoxo
I Love....Dew
hello everyone. I’m one of those sorry SOBs that cheated on his wife of 20+yrs and two kids, with her “best friend”, married the best friend the day after my divorce was final and….have regretted it every single second of my life ever since….yep, you get what you deserve in this life. I’d give anything to go back in time, knowing what I know now, and love my 1st wife like she’s never been loved, honored, appreciated, respected, or admired in her life. But, I can’t. I’ve screwed up beyond words. I had the best life anyone could have asked for. A beautiful loving, caring, and dedicated wife, two beautiful, sweet kids, an in-law family that loved me dearly. but, I was….bored with it all. People kept telling me how blessed I was, but I couldn’t see it. I was blind by selfishness. So, I threw it all away for someone that I thought was my “soul mate”. Oh, how I was wrong. so wrong…5 years later, I still can’t ignore the overwhelming guilt and shame of what I did. Only for a couple of minutes a day does the memory of my 1st wife, kids, and family leave my mind. I can’t watch a move or listen to music without thinking of her. She was my soul mate and truly my true love. But I threw her away. Oh, but if life was like the movies where sometimes we get second chances….I can’t put into words how I’ve broken my own heart, but I know it pales in comparison to how I broke my soul mate’s heart. I’m so sorry sweetness. If you ever read this. I’m so very sorry 🙁
Jackie Pilossoph
Ok this actually made me tear up. I’m so sorry. You sound like a dear, sweet, good person. What advice do I have for you? First, maybe seek therapy and figure out why you did what you did, so that you don’t make the same mistakes in the future. Secondly, just be thankful for your kids and their health and the health of you and your loved ones. Enjoy them as much as possible! Also, maybe express your feelings to your ex? Definitely talk to your kids about this. You don’t have to go into detail or tell them anything other than how sorry you were that you did this to them and how much you love them. Maybe you already have, but it might make you feel better if you talk to the ones you love and get some closure? I will be wishing you the best. YOu are a good person with so much insight. that is very important and key in being happy in the future.
Biayl
“dear sweet good person”? what kool-aid are you drinking? he’s a fucking cheat who is too damn proud to “seek therapy.” he’s not sorry he cheated; he’s sorry he got caught and it messed up his life and now he “wants it back”. It’s called “buyer’s remorse.” This pitiful paragraph is just a means to an end for him – so go ahead and placate his need to feel okay. And he did it for the same reason all people do when they cheat – immaturity, selfishness and lack of control. Duh. and it does take 2 to cheat. Women (or men) who rationalize “dating” a married person are just as much as fault – go find your own date.
Dionne
I agree with you totally. When people say they fault the married spouse only–I fault the mistress/lover too if they knew the person was married. To your point get some self esteem and find your own partner
Dawn Pyatt
That was so wonderful to read. I was choking up myself. First time I have ever read anything like that from the cheating partner. I had no idea it were even possible for men to feel of think that way.
HaniP
Nothing less than you deserve., but you better hope the ex or the kids never see this. You left because you were bored with them? Wow.
I Love....Dew
Jackie, thank you so much for the kind words. I’ve shared my feelings with my ex and my kids. I think it’s helped us all (or I hope it has). I feel that they believe me and understand my shame and regret. My ex and I both know how much we still love and miss each other, even though we’re married to others. We both know that we have a special bond that can’t be broken even by terrible things I’ve done. Her love for me is greater than my sins, and so much more than I’ll ever deserve. I’m not worthy to even look into her beautiful, sweet, and loving eyes. She knows that she’s truly my soul mate and true love. My kids know I love them and am sorrowful for all I’ve done. that’s what matters most to me, that they know I still love and miss them, deeply. To be honest, I look forward to when we’ve both lived out long and happy lives, to take our last breaths, and to greet each other in heaven (if I make it…) with open arms and open hearts. That….is the day I most long for 🙂
June
“…. she stole him from the wife.” If that’s the case the wife can steal her husband back. My point being …. that people can’t be stolen. the husband voluntarily gave up his marriage. Simple fact. Hard to accept. It’s easier to say he was “stolen” because it doesn’t make his leaving seems so voluntary.
Rita
My ex left me for another woman when we had been married 20 years. I’m miserable without him. He married her right after our divorce was final. His new wife found out we were having sex, but she forgave him. It’s been 17 years and they’re still together. I miss him and our life so much. I’m so sad most days. I love him so much
Aya
Hey Rita! It’s been 17 years and that’s a long time to move on from someone who didn’t appreciate you and the years of marriage you both invested in. If they have been married for 17 years then it seems to me the relationship will stick around. It’s time to let go and focus on yourself and you will eventually find the right man who will LOVE you and won’t give up on you that easily. Go to divorce care unit or find people around you who faced similar situations like you so you will be able to relate. 17 years is a long time to be stuck on someone. If you loved him for 17 years despite what he has done to you then your ex is at a greater loss because he lost someone who was willing to give him eternal love and you lost someone who wasn’t willing to give you that. Please start focusing on yourself and the best revenge is to live life greatly. Honestly your ex’s new wife has to live with a man who threw away a 20 year marriage JUST LIKE THAT. Just be happy he didn’t waste any more of your time. Best wishes.
Will
This article is spot on. I cheated on my wife, who was my best friend for most all of my life. We hit our rough patch where things were “boring” for a few years and long story short, I cheated. Out of guilt, I left my wife and gave her everything (even though I know that’s no consolation). It’s been a year now and I’m still with the woman I cheated with. We have some good days, but the truth is, we have more bad days and good. I’m crushed inside for what I did and I know she feels ugly for causing pain to an innocent person. My ex wife went through a horrible year getting over it and likely still struggles but I heard she’s doing better. I, on the other hand, am doing worse and worse and I feel that my tainted relationship is being held together buy not wanting to accept “defeat” or that I was wrong, even though I know I was. Sadly, I am starting to believe the only way I’ll ever move on and stop hating myself is if I leave her and start over. The cheating has only made us both suspicious of the others every move. From day one we were basically married because we had to be (it’s hard to start off like it’s a first date and slowely built trust and a relationship when you are moving in together immediately after an affair). Everything is complicated now and that love and innocence that we were doing for when it was new has been swallowe up by distrust, arguments, guilt and blaming. I’d give anything to take back what I did. All cheating ever accomplished was ruin my life and cause me to spend every day simply trying to get back to the point where I was with my best friend on those “boring Tuesday nights” drinking wine and watching a movie. Don’t cheat. I still havnt forgiven myself but this article is very good.
Anabel
The two becomes one. Cheating always tells on the cheater eventually. You’ll just have to deal with the consequences and ask God to forgive u. No one is perfect but you’ve hurt an innocent person who was a part of your own flesh. My own husband showed no remorse and for that, I wish him bad, so sorry if I come off a bit bitter or harsh.
Sasha
Sorry but you got what you deserved. Had you worked on your marriage your life could be so much better. I hope your ex wife finds a man who cherished her…
Susan
“leave her and start over” – How many woman are you callously planning to hurt? You seem to think that a new woman is always the solution to everything – the solution to “hating yourself” and a way to “move on”. No one but you is responsible for hating yourself and not moving on. No one but you is defining your relationship as ‘tainted’. A new woman doesn’t change reality. A new woman will have as much reason to be suspicious of you as the current one. Switching one woman for another doesn’t work – you’d think that you would have already realized that by now. You just can’t seem to be loyal to anyone, and if you dump the woman who went through everything she did to be with you like it means nothing to you it will only prove all the more how disloyal you are. There are so many reasons to define your current relationship differently than you are, but you seem to be too negative to do that. You are suffering from negativity. Why not try being positive for a change?
Anabel
Nice article! My husband and I have been married for over 3 years now but have been together for about 8 years. During the first two years of our marriage, the douchebag cheated on me with a random whore from another country. He was working away from home, close to the border of our country while I was at med school in the city preparing for our future. I tried, prayed, fasted and tried to spend more time with him when I found out about what he did. I did confronted him and he wa very aggressive and didn’t do much to reconcile the rekationship nor did he ever admitted and apologised. Eventually, he weaned from that affair and things were beginning to look better until I found out again he has been going to whore houses and sleeping with different women. Finally, he picked up one of these girls and started a relationship with her. He text me to say he’s moving on and that he’s been cheating for a long time. I’ve literally begged him to try and work it out because I loved that ass cap so much, I loved him to my own detriment. Anyhow, I still had a few months more at med school when he told me the latter and promised to continue supporting me until the end. Not so long after then, he began insulting me whenever I needed money from him and since my studies were full time, it was tough to work. I found out he wa pampering this woman with so many things and then moved her into our apartment. I once told her we were still married and she pretended to be sorry but continued and then she had the nerve to tell me that I should leave them alone to live their lives happily and that he doesn’t want me anymore. She frequently posts pics lf their seemingly perfect life and had no shame despite knowing we are not divorced. He doesn’t want to file for divorce but he blocked my from his social medias and we don’t talk anymore. He literally treated me like dirt and I regret i didn’t leave the scum the firsf time. I remember the firat woman he cheated with came apologising to me several months after she cursed me on facebook, saying that God punished her for her deeds. She also said ge showered her with so much gifgd and even paid for her to sculpt her body. He’s wasting all his money on this other one and I feel bad for putting in for alimony because his family said he left me because I was with him for money. Can u imagine his mother? This woman never wants to hear a bad word about her son. We both had planned to take care of our parents when I started working but he left just as I was about to finish. He isn’t rich, he just has a well paying job and he has become prideful and so selfish since then. I don’t know why I loved someone so cruel. I see tge things he did with this woman and it hurts too much because he never did these things with me. He treated me so badly, abused me physically, emotionally, mentally. To besides, he has a sister who doesn’t walk because she has a congenital defect, yet he had no remorse on me. He is just unstable and immature. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I don’t wish for his return, I just wish that he gets back taste of his own medicine one day. He’s so mad over this woman that he cut off his friends, the same friends who used to take him whore shopping and rarely talks to his parents. It just hurts that he is so bold to find this woman and move her in within 4 months when he knew me for 8 years and never changed for me. The little good he did for me was helping me to further my education but he didn’t support me mentally, I was always alone and it has placed so much strain on my studies that I even failed two of my main courses recently. I hope he gets it one day.
Ms. M
This man is a Narcissist. Please take my advice and read and learn as much as you can about Narcissism. Sources online: Psychology Today; and youtube. Look up psychiatrist, Dr. Ramani (she is brilliant) you will learn about this personality disorder, and it will make more sense; you will learn that none of these terrible things that he has done to you, is ever your fault. No one can change him and make him honest or respectful towards any women. Narcissistis lie cheat and disrespect. They recycle women. In the beginning they are so charming but then there is a cycle they put you through . They cheat,, devalue you, show no remorse. So selfish. They cannot be truly intimate; with anyone; Please do your research. It will help you understand this disorder and come to know why they are this way. I wish you the very best in learning about Narcissism move forward and heal; no contact with them. You deserve a real man who will love you and respect you…also there are a lot of reels on Instagram that are good too. Take care, beautiful
Sasha
My partner and I of 22 years split five months ago,and he immediately told our 12 year old he’d met another lady who she could meet…he has pressured our sweet child to the extent of causing anxiety and stress…several weeks later he moved in with the OW. His life is bliss right? Hardly! He has questioned friends about me,believing my male friend is my new beau,which is untrue…rung friends husbands to see what I’m doing, created havoc by coming to the house,demanding I hand my car and phone to him because he paid for them,tried to argue about child maintenance,got his sister to snoop my social media page and that of friends…..I chose to work on me,be supportive to our child and get my life back on track…I’ve got back into employment, signed on a new car today,and surrounded myself with great supportive friends. Life is hard some days, I miss him, however there’s no going back for me. He’s lied, cheated and has the convictions of a snake. The man I knew doesn’t exist,and I believe I’m worth so much more. My point is, he thought his life would be so much better, but it’s falling apart around him. Friends say he’s miserable, he’s put weight on, looks old,and is drinking more. We live in a small town,and my dignified silence has stood me in good stead. I’m working on my happiness, and know there are better things in store for my daughter and I…..I hope he finds the happiness he was looking for,but I doubt it’s with this woman.
Sandy
My husband left me for the other woman, now from what I hear she’s terrified that he’ll come back to me. He did tell me right before the divorce that he still loves me.
I hope he does. Marriage is until death, not divorce. I still love my husband and our child needs Dad around (not to mention misses Dad terribly).
I’m willing to give him another chance. I still love him. But my life is not going to revolve around this. Don’t worry, I’m not delusional. 🙂
As far as the other woman–what did she expect!?
Ann Conner
did he come back…hope so for you
Heidi
In 2004 my husband and I decided to sell everything and move to a country in Central America. Prior to leaving I had a premonition. I said .. you’re not going to have me give up everything, move us down there and leave me,right? He said “no. I would never do that” I said” do you promise?” He said “yes”.
Fast forward one year, we had bought a bar and yup, I found out he was dating some woman who was coming around. When I asked about his promise he said “shit happens” quote unquote.
left, returned home and rebuilt my life.
They married but it annulled apparently. So that was wife #3.
This week I was contacted by wife #4 on Facebook messenger. They’ve been married for 2 years now.
She said she wanted to help me with my pain, help heal my open wounds. I replied I’m very happy. Living where I want to be, I have a great relationship with my stepson (from exes first marriage) remember I was #2. And I have a wonderful man in my life.
She replied with a book..lol… telling me that she is much different than his other wives because she didn’t have sex with him till they married. He’s 61.
That I should not let the poison in me kill me..
That she’s sorry that I don’t have children with my blood flowing through their veins. That my pain doesn’t cause them pain but only pity. That I should respect my ” current” lover, not husband.
I’ve been with this kind man for 8 years now. The paper doesn’t seem so important at this age. I’m 56 now.
Like WTF? I haven’t talked to my ex since 2006!
I replied to her today saying congrats on being a 50 year old virgin. But it doesn’t quite work that way. She has three kids for Gods sake!
She’s met my exstepson (now friend who still calls me mom) once and declares him her son now. He’s 36 and they can’t even communicate in the same language.
So I wrote her back, in English this time so the ex would have to translate in his sign language.
Told him to reign his 50 year old Virgin in and she’s insulting my stepson too because he’s living without benefit of a piece of paper.
So, yeah.. what I read in this article seems right.
You think the exes life is perfect but why would
She be saying this shit to me?
I told her she’s delusional.. and so is he if he’s been feeding her this story from 11 years ago!
Something isn’t right in paradise!
LMAO!
Zed
This article is purely designed to make someone feel better. Chances are your ex thanks to you have realised what doe s not work for them and found someone they are truly happy with. It happened to me and my husband, he had to get married when a woman he was seeing and openly told her it was not serious for him, who told him she was infertile, suddenly was pregnant and he was given the choice to marry her or never see his child. He wanted to be in his son’s life so go figure. He could not even have sex with her after this. 6 years later they luckily separated and she apologised and they’re friends now. I also found that I never loved my ex- what me and my husband feel for each other is so rare that everyone around as simply says we are the exceptions to the rules of relationship because of how happy we are. Therefore you are wrong in certain cases as there are extremely loving new relationships out there , face your fear instead of pretending the ex partner’s relationship isn’t as happy as you think it is, as there is a big chance it actually is. As a lawyer, I can tell you that second marriages tend to be the happiest.
Jackie Pilossoph
Yes, there are happy second marriages, and there are exceptions. That said, you are talking about 18% of the population, since 82% of second marriages end in divorce. And those are just the people who admitted being unhappy and decided to get divorced. I know plenty of people in second marriages who admit it was a mistake and are miserable but they stay together because they don’t want another divorce. But I also know couples in a second marriage who are really happy. Maybe about 10%.
Bailey
Thanks for this reply. I was starting to feel that the new girlfriend was a very short breed to sucess. I the girl of a divorced man. His ex cheated on him twice while he was home watching their two kids. He tried making it work but this woman has toxic energy x’s 10. She has the stare of death, haha. Me and Babe fell in love once we met. The kind of love you wish your family and friends would find. We worked together for 3 years but nothing happened. Once I became single he never wasted any time. Been together 1 1/2 uears and going strong. His ex is a piece of work though. I kill her with kindness. She mean-mugs me so I give her a smile and a wave. Working so far.
Ron
Sounds similar to my story. My soon to be ex wife of 18 years, 24 years together, has cheated on me 2 times that I know of. I’ve been faithful since we started dating in high school. Well this last time she has only let little nuggets out about her “just friends” employee & who just happens to be our neighbor. But we have 4 children who for the most part of the past year I have been a single dad and loving it. Her “soulmate” has 5 kids with 3 women. But he’s perfect. I set up every MC appointment and tried to make it work but she skipped a few, she took him to see our oldest while he is in college this past weekend and for that was my last straw. No more cake, no more sparkles, & no more kibbles. Signing the papers Tuesday. And she’s doubly pisssd because she’ll be paying child support & maintenance. Not looking yet to meeting any women right now but when I do decide I’m ready whoever she is I feel will be truly blessed to have a honest & loyal person in her life.
Tracy
Your situation is identical to mine, best of luck to you!
Zed
By the way, tehy did not have sex as he could not bear himself to touch her after what she did.
Tiffany
Sounds like your comment was purely designed to make YOU feel better about being with a married man. Of course he told u all those terrible things about his then wife & of course u hung on every word believing every single bit of it. Do u really think he’d tell u “my wife is a great person, great mom, she’s good to me & doesn’t deserve any of this, but I’m doing it anyway because, well, I’m a selfish, asshole.” Of course not! He told u what he knew u needed to hear in order for u to be ok with being with a married man, make his actions sound justifiable & take pity on him. In turn u believed what u needed to justify your actions & not feel guilty. The part about how he had to marry her because she got pregnant & never had sex with her after that literally made me LOL because those are textbook cheater excuses. Almost all of them say those 2 exact things to the OW. I’d bet she has a very different story & the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Unless u knew her personally when she was doing all these supposed things he told u & witnessed it yourself, you’re believing the words of a cheater about a woman who’s a total stranger to u. Face your fear of guilt instead of living in ignorant bliss. I don’t know what being a lawyer has to do with anything, but 2nd marriages don’t tend to be the happiest. That’s not an opinion, it’s fact. But again, u clearly believe whatever makes u feel better, regardless of facts & history of behavior. FYI when/if he cheats on u, he’s going to tell the OW he married u because u were there for him during his 1st divorce, when he was lonely & confused.
Annon
You lost me when you said “Stole him from his wife” A man is not an object. He cannot be stolen, it’s ultimatley his decision to leave.
My relationship started as me being the other women, I was incredibly selfish to start with and then I fell in love very fast, but I didn’t ask him to leave for me, I never tricked him, I was just honest with him and he choose to leave and even when things got tough for us, he never wanted to go back. I will always live with this guilt.. it gets in the way of all the moments that should be special and I am jealous of his ex because she got 10 years and his first child with him with a clear conscious. I know if I walked away from him now my conscious would soothe, but I love him and for that I will always suffer.
Jackie Pilossoph
I”m not really sure how to answer this, but my gut is saying that no one deserves to suffer. The thing is, you are right. Your husband was most likely very unhappy and you might just have been the catalyst that got him out of the marriage. It sounds like things are really great now, but maybe you could alleviate your suffering by an apology to the first wife? It’s just a thought. I’m sorry if I made you feel guilty. I speak in generalities and I think every situation is different. xo
Kate
I would also take issue with the “stole him from his wife” bit – no-one can be stolen who doesn’t want to be taken!
Otherwise this is a brilliant article.
When your exH marries the “other woman” she gets a cheat for a husband and he gets a homewrecker for a wife. No matter how long they are married they can’t erase those facts.
Cheats cheat because they have entitlement issues, lack of empathy and poor conflict-resolution skils. Unless they have done some serious soul-searching or gotten into therapy, (and this isn’t likely because most cheats aren’t that self-aware – if they were then they wouldn’t be cheating !) then they will take these characteristics forward into the next relationship.
My exH said to me “I envy you, as you can start any new relationship ‘clean’ “.
I am now married to a wonderful man, and I didn’t have to help break up a marriage to have him!
Keep the blogs coming!
Jackie Pilossoph
You are so right! Also, cheats cheat because it is their way of coping when the relationship is struggling. They use it as a quick fix or a fix instead of responsible fixes like therapy or better communication or honesty. Cheats really are cowards, and they also deep down know they are. But they are the same people who will blame the spouse instead of look in the mirror and admit any sort of fault.
Avesha Empower
I love love love love love what you wrote.
Before fully healing, which is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life, I used to wonder if he was happy, if she was worth imploding his life for, etc. I used to wish karma on them and for bad things to happen and then I realized, they are living their karma, day in and day out. He has to look at her skanky arse every day and wonder WTF did I do? An affair is only fun when its an affair. Ohhhh the passion, the excitement, the joy of screwing people over and thinking you will get away with it. HA! Now they have each other, and their relationship is based on….cheating, lies, divorce, deception, hurt, pain and distrust. YUK! Have at it.
All I have to say is, honey, when he starts “going to the gym” three times a day, locking his phone, and acting VERY strange, withdrawing from sex and having temper tantrums and anxiety attacks….you won’t have to wonder what is going on. Me, I will never have to live that nightmare, ever again.
I am the winner in their sick silly little game.
K K
Amen! I hope the anxiety kills her. The thought of her worried he’ll cheat on her after the hell THAT relationship put myself and my children through… I thought I was going to die of a broken heart while she ran all over town with my husband as I fed, bathed, loved our kids. She had zero regard for me or the children. She was the fun party girl screwing the man I loved. Completely clueless what I was going through. Enjoy your new husband you cold hearted homewrecker. I can only hope you get a taste of your own damn medicine
Hani P
Good for you Kate.
Cinthia Juarez
You are so pitty telling all this womans who were cheated on, to be happy and to not worry about anything because their new marriages are based in fear of cheating because of the phrase “Once a cheater always a cheater”. But in my believe, that is totally lame, and before anybody says anything let me tell you that I’ve been in the two positions, married with kids and cheated on, and I dated a married man after that, he got divorced, I got divorced and now we are happily engaged. My point its that I can clearly see bith side of the stories because I lived them, and let me tell you the “other woman story first”. In my head I wasn’t even interested in a new relationship, for me it was all about surviving woth my 2 toddlers as a single mom, then I met in him, and fell in love. I know it sounds to cliché and because I already went through sometime like that with my ex partner, I wouldn’t do it to some other woman. But I did it. And I am not proud of hurting her, but I also know that I didn’t. I feel embarrassed for the nights that I spent at her house without her consent, and that’s it. It sounds terrible I know, but once you learn that “the other woman” wasn’t married to you, or that she wasn’t living with you, or that she didn’t have kids with you, that she didn’t make you all those false promises, that she doesn’t own you nothing,, then you can move on. But first you need to forgive yourself and stop asking what you did wrong and stop comparing yourself with “the other woman”. Stop comparing your lifes with your ex husband’s and his new wife. Acceptance its the key to let go and kove on, otherwise youbare going to be stuck on it forever.
Wanda Lewis
My ex an I grew up together and were together 31 years married 21 he found fault near the end with everything until I left and his new woman (married with 2 kids) came to his house a week after I left he divorced me a year after and she separated from her hubby 2 yrs ago now my ex an her are dating how funny he’s lied the whole time that they were friends an several have told me he was cheating years before I left he’s only with her because her family has money I don’t want him back but I don’t want them together an happy either he’s even treating our kids like he’s treated me what do I do? I know he’s screwed me out of a lot I’m broke and alone it’s been 5 years now I’m struggling and he seems happy it isn’t fair!!!! I hate my life now.
Eric jones
It’s not just men that cheat. My ex cheated on me with a man She dated in high school who told her he didn’t want her. We were together 13 years married for 3. Well my ex loss weight and started to post pictures on fb. Well he found her seen the weight she loss and the car and house she had. All in my name. Well he was in prison for trying to kill somebody. It has been confirmed he was involved In drugs. Well long story short I figured something was going on and found out didn’t know he was in prison til months after the divorce. I found out she was making my 2 year old at the time call him daddy told her and 9 year old he was at school. Since then he has gotten out and they live together. I found out my ex forces them to call him daddy, and told them to call me by my first name because if they make him mad she will whoop them. Needles to say this great man has cheated on her multiple times, heard from a friend of his sister that they are only together because of their son who is now 3 and he doesn’t want her to do him like she did me. Lmfao. Also I can’t pick kids up from her house I have to pick them up from the police station. But her and anyone she wants can get them from my house. Never abused this woman. Everyone tells me that’s his doing. So I know their relationship is not as happy as her fb post are. I don’t look at it but her former bff does. Which the reason they are not bffs is because of what my ex did by cheating. They were like sisters. She even lied to her bff on why she needed a babysitter early Sunday . Mornings when we spilt. The ex said it was therapy. She told me she went to a doctor but the bff she said it was church. It was hurt her but it was visiting day at the prison. Me and her will never be cool just over the disrespect she forces on the kids. Me I’m happy and dating. Only thing I’m not happy about is what she’s doing to our kids mentaly.
Jennifer
Sounds like people need to stop reading “self-help” website and start reading the Bible. Because, there both sides of the party will find forgiveness, love, and acceptance.
Jackie Pilossoph
I don’t think they need to stop reading “self-help” websites, but I do agree that more people would benefit from reading the Bible. You are so right.
Jim Spencer
Good article, I have a story .I was married 21 yr and 2 kids.The last 2 years my ex began multiple affairs .She broke my heart and we divorced. I really didn’t know how to cope and then met my now wife who is beautician. After 3 years we began dating and 2 years later dating we married.Six years later and happier than ever as I now know what it is supposed to be like.So their is hope for all cheated on
Jackie Pilossoph
LOVE this story. xo
Hani P
Good for you Jim.
Anna
Sorry, it can be hard to accept, but sometimes being a first wife doesn’t make you the BEST wife. Sometimes, someone is right to leave you. And sometimes, people can be FAR happier in their second marriage.
My husband was married when we met. He wasn’t looking to cheat and had been loyal to her for over 20 years. She stopped caring. She became violent. She threatened to stab him in his sleep almost daily. He had fallen in love with me at work but nothing happened between us as he wanted to try and make it work for the children. He offered to go to counseling with her in which she blamed him for everything and said he was a psycho that she hated. That’s when he decided to divorce her and start dating me.
We were seeing each other while they were still married and filed for divorce. Though she loves to tell everyone he left her for another women. He left her because she refused to show him any love and threatened him with violence. Of course, none of her buddies know that. So, was I technically another women? Yes. But he didn’t leave her because of me. Her left her because of HER. Sometimes that is the truth, plain and simple.
We are very happy and have been married for over ten years. My step children and I love each other. And they say their Dad has become a much better father because of me. Because he’s not so unhappy and worried about being stabbed every night, he can focus on loving and supporting them.
It’s easy to blame the “other women”. But there’s only ONE reason men leave, because they WANT to. And sometimes the reason they want to, is because their first wife is insane.
Lisa Jones
he should have left her before that if she was so crazy why did he have kids with her? Why did he stay? Maybe she was that way because he was a cheat and a liar.If you believe all these things and you sleep better at night go ahead.. He is a cheat and you are a whore
Tabata
Totally agree. If she was so bad then why didn’t he leave before? Did he have to find another woman first before that because he wasn’t man enough to leave on his own? Come on. It sounds like pure victimization to justify the betrayal. I really don’t understand how people cannot accept responsibility for their own choices. Aren’t they adults?
Heidi
Totally agree with you Lisa! It’s terrible how some people can be so selfish and go as far as to blame the original woman (or first wife). All the cheater has to do is get a divorce FIRST. Yes it is still difficult but at least if you divorce first, they won’t have to suffer from being cheated on
Chris
Thank you; my ex husband of 26 years cheated on me with someone I knew. Now their (blissfully; well mayb not; as he has to live with his guilt) married. He cannot look into any of our friends eyes (these were people we used to be friends with as a couple). This is his guilt speaking to him. Well not my problem; his.
Katherine
My husband has left me for his married employee. He has played mind games with me for over a year-telling me I was insecure or jealous anytime I had suspicions. He got more and more angry and violent the more obsessed be became with his mistress. He also blew through all our savings on hotels, dinners and gifts for her. He pushed me away and no matter what I tried during the time period, he’d scream at me. He ended up telling me I was making him hate me even when I tried to cuddle or suggest a date.
He has since told me that this woman is everything he ever wanted. He told me he deserved his type and she’s it. He said it’s not even how pretty she is- but her deep eyes, her amazing soul and the connection they share. He said he knew once he met her that he could never love me. He blames the whole thing on me not having that type of connection and not loving the same things that she and he love together.
I was beyond heartbroken when I discovered the hotel key and other hotel receipts. I also found out he’d been cheating every single lunch hour and after work at a hotel minutes from work. I’m pretty sure now that another 2 women in his past that he claimed to have only flirted with he had full blown affairs. He said the love letters I found was just “silly talk.”
I have filed for divorce. He has chosen her over our children and I. He is smug and can’t stop talking about how God brought them together. He is in deep love- or so he says. He told our children she was going to be their new mother. He kept asking me to “die already” as well. Right now I have custody of the children. He’s sleeping with her every night and still whisking her away on fancy weekend trips (while he is denying me any support or money)- this will be settled soon in court.
I am heartbroken as we’ve been married & together for a very long time. He has told me now that he faked our whole marriage and the love letters, cards and gifts were all just to appease me. He refuses to say sorry because he’s not sorry.
I’ve cried myself to sleep ever since the “discovery” night. I’ve puked, sobbed, pleaded with God to hurry up and take the pain away, but nothing works. His friends and parents support him as I am assuming he told them I was crazy. I am a wonderful woman who loved her husband wholeheartedly. I would have done anything for him! I even supported his move to this new country- packed my life up, quit my career and encouraged him to find work where he is at now.
He has given his married mistress a proposal ring. Her husband is divorcing her now too. They “play married” now.
It’s bad enough he cheated, but to see it thrown in my face and know they work together still daily is all too much. His boss and co-workers are happy for them.
I also can’t get the image of them having sex out of my mind. It doesn’t matter that I am much prettier or skinnier. He said he loved her big breasts and her eyes that revealed her soul. He said she makes him happy and feel at peace. And he said it’s not sex- it’s making love.
I also believe her new baby is his too….to complicate matters.
I’d love to think they will fight, argue and split up and he’ll have regrets but he’s stubborn. He said he NEVER will regret leaving me for her as she is everything he ever wanted. It was worth the risk of what he lost. This is so overwhelmingly brutal for me- how was she worth him risking his job, his children, his family, his wife and his relationship with God?
I wonder if they will be one of those couples that DO live happily ever after……
Jackie Pilossoph
OK, I have so much to say about this. Your ex-husband is really really a confused person. He is so infatuated that he can’t see straight. The fact that he has had other affairs before her says it all. If I were you, I wouldn’t focus on his happily ever after, but rather yours. I feel like if someone is truly happy, they wouldn’t be so mean and say hurtful things. He clearly is taking his own guilt and turning it into anger towards you. I would just let them live and be happy, and focus on my new life. You have the kids. that’s great!! They need you and you need them. When it’s time, you will start to focus on what you want out of life and who you want. (yes, you will date again.-I know it takes time, but eventually you will.) You deserve to be happy and be with someone who is more stable and who appreciates you. Let his hateful statements roll off of you. He is toxic. Let him enjoy his new life which is based on lies and cheating and hurting people. The picture will look a lot different in a few years. But don’t even think about that. Focus on your kids and on YOU. xoxo. you are going to end up really happy. I know it.
jay
oh hunnie this is no way to live. I was left for someone else too so trust me I know. I let him tell me how he didn’t owe me anything and call me a b and to not ruin this relationship for him. I let him go on about it for 3 days as i packed my kids bags and mine and waited for my brother to pick me up. i never looked back. But let me tell you it was the best thing. I hurt a whole lot, feeling rejected. but really he is setting you free. some relationships work and some don’t my ex and his new beau did not. and she left him but he was also regretful. All the will he was trying to keep afloat she sat around and did nothing to help. Then once he went under she packed up and left
Elisa Nunez
Katherine… U totally wrote what I’m exactly going through… He said it was a deep connection with her like our 26 yr. Marraige wasn’t. She calls me and tells me that they are in love and will be getting married when our divorce becomes final.
I just found out her 3 months ago because he claimed that I was making things up in my head. Gaslighted me for years . He put a restraining order for me to not to fo to my own home. In 2.5 years he has given me no money and he is fighting me for alimony. He is a monster and I love him and hate him the same time
jay
hello,
Even after 3 years im still single and raising two beautiful boys on my own. But i love to peek in on articles like this. The man I shared nearly a decade with and bared the only 2 kids I have, decided 3 years ago that he was not happy. Ultimately he left me for a business associate. I move my kids back to cali to be with family. Of course I went through all of the emotions. To be honest even today I still think of him but I don’t love him or want to be with him. I reminisce of the life we once shared and always wished he was a better man. After the new girlfriend left him he try to come back to me and I made it very clear that was never going to happen. I was told by a mutual friend that while they were together he began to regret what he did and drank excessively. He often times mentioned me to her and it would cause arguments. He would tell her how I use to clean and did everything around the house. Apparently she was very dirty and never wanted to do anything wouldn’t go to work or cared for the bills and lacked hygiene. At least thats what he says. But she got pregnant and he stayed. She eventually left him and he clung on to dear life because this is the women he gave his entire family up for and now he is homeless. I mean It is a sad situation but had he known what he had to start from and worked on the marriage he wouldn’t be in this position now
Eileen Morin
My ex-husband and I were married for 22 years when one day he told me that he cheated on me and didn’t want to be married anymore. He is 51 and I am 60. I have no idea what happened! Every day, even on the day he told me that he cheated on me..he told me that he loved me. We were happy, or so I thought. He never showed any signs of not being happy with me or our life. We still held hands and did all the things married couples do. Again, what happened? I moved out of state after our divorce and am trying to make a new life, but i can’t get out of the life I had with him. Maybe he just wanted to be single again, maybe it was our age difference, maybe it was change of life for him. I DON”T KNOW!! He couldn’t tell me why, he said he didn’t know, he just wanted us over. He cheated, but said it defientely wasn’t a relationship. He just kept saying that he knows I could never forgive him. He never gave me a chance to try. I don’t know what to do with my life. How do I go on? How do I start over at my age? I feel so empty, confused and lost. Please help, any words of encouragement would help me so much. Thank you
Lyndsey
I’m sorry Eileen. You can tell your story over on the site “herospouse” (our community) and may get some answers and hopefully peace regarding your situation.
Jeff
Going through this situation now. We’ve been married for 13 years and she recently rediscovered an ex boyfriend on FB. She just got back from spending the weekend with him and we haven’t even filed for divorce yet, although we are seperated. What hurts the most is how she cuts and belittles me, I know I wasn’t a perfect husband but I would never cheat yet I’m the bad guy. This hurts and this rot inside burns, I pray but nothing helps. Sorry, I just needed to get that out…
Jackie Pilossoph
Things will get better, I promise. Getting into a relatinship is her way of dealing with the breakup. That doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting. Hers is a Band-aid right now, and I’m not cutting her down. A lot of people do that. You could do it too but you are grieveing in your own way (which I think is healthier than rushing into a relationship.) Just have faith and patience, and make good decisions and do things that make you happy. Try to focus on your life and future (and kids if you have them) and not so much on her and her life. I know it isn’t easy. xoxo
Mike
It sucks bad. Wife cheated on me with 2 people, the last was our 22F babysitter. They live together in my old house.
Kim J
Hello everyone! I am so glad I found this website. I wish I had sooner. So many people are feeling and have felt the same way as I do. I’ve been divorced now 10 years and I still have my ups and downs. I was married 16 years and never once questioned our relationship. Now i wonder if he ever loved me at all. As it goes, the wife is always the last to know (EVERYTHING) usually after he has left and wants to be separated. Had it not been for a close friend, I may not have found out what was going on. He just decided one night he was leaving, mad over our son driving his truck to his new job, ( so he said) , and left! I did not see this coming. Dont you just love being blindsided from nowhere. Anyway, he moves her in, moves me out first, later tells my son it’s time for him to go. My son and i have struggled financially, emotionally, and every way possible. My son had just started college. My husband made 3 times what i make. I felt like if he didnt want me, i didnt want him or anything from him. So, we have survived for these last 10 years. Somehow. Last month he married this lady that he had always said……I’m not ever gonna get married….He finially shut the door on me, my son, our lives. As if we had never existed. How does someone do that? How do you start a relationship as soon as you end another? I’m still so hurt. I’ll never have answers and understand how it ever even happened. I’d love to move on and find someone of my own that truly loves me. I’m afraid to try websites for people wanting to meet. It seems most people aren’t honest and you dont know if you can trust them?
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your son. How awful. I always wonder how some people can just “forget” they have a child or children. It’s very strange to me. Your ex might be happy in the short term but just wait. His demons will catch up with him and he will realize (whether he ever admits it or not) the pain he caused. My advice to you is, keep being a great mother, and focus on your own life, what makes you happy, and how you want to spend your time and with who. Try not to think about “them.” Their relationship is full of lies, deceit and hurting others. Who would want that? As for dating, there are many many wonderful people out there who are looking for monogamy. Just be cautious, but don’t close your heart. xoxox
Lovie
I agree it becomes a sickness, my ex husband married someone he started dating and we were not divorce yet, and she new it.
Courtney
The same exact thing happened to me, except they aren’t married yet. 🙁 I have to believe what goes around, comes around.
Courtney
This article was so needed! I have been on a rough ride. My ex and I were together for 16 years, high school sweethearts. It’s officially been a year that my ex left me and our 2 girls. He met her at his work, (they both work at the same place). She apparently went through a divorce from a cheating husband and found my husband unhappy in his marriage. They both were secretly hanging out and making plans. She told him she wouldn’t sleep with him until he was separated and/or getting a divorce. So he kicked me and the kids out and they started from there on. I didn’t find out about her until I caught them. They called me the “witch” when talking about me. She told him he needed to get me off his insurance like now! But he couldn’t until we were officially divorced. He listened to her and it was like I was nothing to him. It kills me that they are still together. Although I never show it. I still miss him, and the dang memory( photo) pop-ups on my phone destroy me. I don’t get how they move on and build a life together and he doesn’t think or miss me? He still til this day treats me like I did something wrong to him, and is so mean to me, he hates me!? It’s sad. He was at one time my best friend and I felt like we did grow up together. I know we did have our problems, but never would have imagined this to happen. I never felt so lost in my life. But I have been working on me and making our kids #1. I do wish him the best. Just not with her. I want to be able to move forward and co-parent. I just wish we could be on better terms. It’s crazy how life throws you, but I’m learning to figure it out on my own for a change. Also, with the help of my besties and family. I’m hoping to find happiness one day for my girls and I. Again thank you.
Carlton Hanson
I do not normally interfere in others lives however I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. I am worried he is making a huge mistake and needs help. His name is Carlton.
He got involved in an affair and left his wife, Charlotte for another woman. This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. Carlton and Charlotte were so well suited for each other. Charlotte adored Carlton and I, we thought Carlton loved Charlotte as well.
Several of us have spoken about this. Carlton has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel Carlton got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave Charlotte. Carlton’s best friend is the sister to the woman he left Charlotte for.
Can these two wonderful people, Carlton and Charlotte be helped? This breaks my heart, and several people who know this couple. Carlton will face such embarrassment for what he has done. His daughter and granddaughters will face embarrassment and humiliation.
Some of Carlton’s friends will not appreciate him after this all becomes common knowledge. Charlotte will not say anything at this point regarding Carlton, she will and does not speak ill of him. Can their marriage be saved? Please help them. I have included Carlton’s email for him to receive help. Thank you. I love this couple, I know they can get through this. And I know Carlton does not want to face the public humiliation of his actions. I know, we know he still loves Charlotte. How can I help my friend and stop him from losing everything? How can we help Carlton to remember his love for Charlotte and return to her? How can we help Carlton to see this affair is wrong and moving him away from his soulmate? We all know Carlton will regret not staying with Charlotte. Concerned friend.
J Molies
My now Ex had cheated on me with the neighbor who is almost 10 years older. I battled Cancer and she has seen on what I went through, pretended to be concerned and a friend. About 6 months after I finished Chemo I think that’s when they started being so called friends. He move in with her and her sickly Mother about 10 months later. Ex still claiming to everyone that they were just friends but everyone knew the truth. He got engaged to her before the divorce was even final. When I revealed to him that I knew of the engagement he was embarrassed and became uneasy that I knew. Also Ex stopped seeing or talking to his children which we think is because they refuse to have that kind of toxic person in their lives and he isn’t allowed to go anywhere without her so he doesn’t come around being they refuse to accept her. Another reason can be that he is so filled with guilt that he can’t face them, yes he is a coward. I’m believe since he never liked conflict he allows himself to be control by her for it makes life easier for him to do so. He has lost everything he has worked for and being he lives across the street he gets reminded everyday of that. Kids have reached out but if they suggest to get together they stop hearing from him which would cause conflict with her. He now has a grandchild that he never meant and I believe this is eating at him for he always wanted to be a grandfather but is to weak to go against her to do anything about it. Also I’m sure the guilt in which he feels is keeping him to. I do not have contact with him but when I had I could see how miserable he was back then and I believe he is now even more miserable. I’m a huge believer of Karma and being he lost so much and her nothing I’m sure he will be resentful and blame her someday if he isn’t already. I do not hate this man for I have gotten the best part of him and he has given me my children. She now gets this beaten down, shell of a man who will resents her. So she to will someday feel the pain she so selfishly and willing cause others and always be known as that person the rest of her life and will always know deep inside and not be able to get away from what she has caused. Reap what you sow.
Michele
My ex and I were married for 26 years and have three (now adult) children together. We have been divorced for almost two years now. It’s been a long, emotional road but…I do believe that time does heal or, is healing. I have my good days and not so good days, still, but the good are beginning to out-number the bad. My ex-husband and I started out entering our “empty-nest” years with two kids in college-one away in a different state and one living at home, going to school and working and one child away at Army boot camp. My ex husband had a successful career and traveled frequently, I am a school teacher who held down the fort most years as I taught in my kids’ school district. We essentially “grew up” together, he and I. From the same small town-area and our families knew of each other. We married when I was 20 and he 23. I literally left my parents’ home and moved in with him and a roommate. After dating for a year, we got our own place and began our lives together-engagement, then marriage (Catholic wedding, all the traditional details, etc.) I had not completed college before our first child was born. I was 22 and still had a semester of student teaching left. It was hard. We were living paycheck to paycheck and trying to pay student loans. He worked two full time jobs- one that was 6 a.m.-2 p.m. and then picked up a second shift job working 3 p.m. – 11 p.m. so that I could get through student teaching. He is a good man. Hard-working, trustworthy, responsible and driven. I graduated and got a teaching job and he continued to climb the corporate ladder which moved us around the midwest alot. We spent several years away from our family and lived 8 hours away; then settled once the kids were in Kindergarten and 3rd grade where we are now which is 3 hrs. from our extended families. We’ve lived here in the suburbs now for 16 years, raised the kids and consider this place our home. About a year after our youngest two children graduated high school, my ex and I started doing more things together, bought a new home (our forever home-it was bigger and newer than the one we raised our family in, but it was one that could accommodate our family if we needed to care for elderly grandparents and one that we envisioned our children bringing home the grandbabies to). He traveled more, I was alone more. The kids came home to visit on the weekends and they’d leave. We’d go out with friends of ours (who were also our age and we had been ‘family’ for 15 years. They had kids our kids’ ages and we spent many holidays, birthdays and even family vacations with them). My ex was “best friends” with him, and I was “best friends” with her. We were going through the same stuff, usually. Until one day I found out that my friend and my (ex) had been having an affair. This news came to me by surprise as my ex and I were working through some “communication problems”–his words. We attempted to talk about our issues, I suggested counseling and he was not in favor of that. He told me he was just done and didn’t think that what was wrong couldn’t be worked out. In the meantime, I’m flabbergasted, I mean-I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect but we were solid, or so I thought. I leaned on my girlfriend-I talked, she listened. We went out for dinner, she cheered me up, she cried with me. Neither of us could figure out what was going on with my (ex). She was just as puzzled as I was. So, I slowly began to accept the fact that he wasn’t “in love” with me. After several months, we became more like roommates, he barely talked to me and I felt more alone than I ever have. I would still meet with my friend to update her on the lack of progress he and I were making and ultimately told her that I was sick to my stomach but, I think we were headed for separation/divorce. I confided in her my fears, my sadness, my heartbreak. And she supported me. Then one day, I received a call at work from her husband. He told me that his wife and my husband were seeing eachother and he had proof. 5 min. after he called me, my ex called and said he needed to speak with me. I was numb and think that I actually had an anxiety attack. My co-workers were wonderful and there for me, I ended up leaving work and headed home where I was met by my ex who had left the garage door opener and house key on the table. He said he would call the kids and speak with each of them but he would not be coming back.
I was doubly betrayed. Once by my ex whom I trusted with my life and my future. I was committed to him and lived my life caring for our children. Second, by my friend. Not one word was said, not one indication that they were involved other than friends. She completely pulled the rug out from under me and punched me in my gut at the same time. I filed for divorce two days after all of this drama went down. He admitted eventually, that they had been together for at least 6 months before he told me. They may have been involved sexually for longer, I don’t know. They were married last July. 1 yr. and 1 mo. after they broke up both of their marriages. They live several hours away and have moved out of the area. They juggle their life to see their kids/family and he is still traveling. We do not speak unless we absolutely have to, and I am thankful for that. It has been essential in my healing process. The kids and I are still healing. They love their dad and want very badly to have a relationship with him, but he is not the same person they looked up to. They tolerate his new wife. But they do not respect her. They are not rude or mean to her but they do not care if she is around or not and prefer to spend their time with their dad only. I am picking up my broken heart, piece by piece and have been dating a wonderful man for the last year. We are taking it very slow and I don’t know if I’ll ever re-marry. Time will tell. Thank you for reading this long drawn-out post. I didn’t mean for it to drag on. ha!
Rita
Michele, I have a very similar story. My heart and stomach are sick reading this. I’m currently dealing with with the same issues and it kills me. I feel like I’m dying inside. I can’t stand the thought of my grown adult children being around my ex-best friend and ex husband. This whole thing has nearly taken me out. How are things now?
The Sad Fact
I had my ex wife leave me for another woman instead which i was the very faithful husband from the day i married her, and i hope that filthy diseased infested pig really burns in hell with the Devil where she really belongs.
Mike
See my post below. My ex wife left me for our 22F babysitter. They’re all trash. Good riddance. We were married 10 years with 2 young kids
Mike
My ex wife, 36F, who I had 2 kids with cheated on me with 2 people- one a guy on Bumble and the other this kinda ghetto girl in college who was our bsbysitter,22F. Ex had a midlife- dyed hair black like college, started to listening to shitty music the GF likes, got a nose ring, 2 tattoos, one of which was the initial of the GF, eyelash extensions, they vacationed together secretly etc… sucks but life goes on.
Talha Ubaidullah
Discovering the vulnerabilities of her ex’s new spouse, post-affair, reinforces the notion that relationships founded on deceit often carry hidden guilt and struggle. Amid heartbreak, the reminder that genuine, honest beginnings offer a more promising path to enduring happiness.
Hope
I was the woman he left her for. I met him at the end of his marriage while he was waiting the court to approve the divorce (its a 6mo wait). I managed to do some snooping out of curiosity later on, turns out she was physically abusive and he would talking to other women outside the marriage. So when i met him, i wasnt the only one. As the other women, he’s bought me a home, we had a child, we visited his family many times and his mom lives with us. His dad loves me and my daughter who its 6. Out of the 6 years of their relationship his mother never once wanted to visit him and his ex wife. From how it looks, both were unhappy both needed to leave that marriage.
and it’s not that I haven’t seen him make improvements or changes because I have. he’s a very different person. but at the same time, I experienced his weaknesses. during pregnancy not physically cheating on me but talking to other women, sending and receiving pictures and videos and gross conversations, only fans followings, holding onto people from his past that he had naked photos of. if I knew all that I would have had to endure I would have stayed his friend and nothing more. don’t get me wrong, he’s a great dad and provider. but everyone has a weakness. i know I’ll never trust him, not because I was the other woman but because there has always been another woman. I’m nflt his ex wife got out. I hope she’s happy and fixing herself. I’m happy too. I love him I love our family and our home. but the trust is never there and it pains me because I know I’ll never leave due to the baby.
arnetta murray
Thank you all for sharing and letting me know I am not alone.