I’d like to think I’m a pretty positive person. After all, I’m not sure I could be running Divorced Girl Smiling otherwise. Positivity is the essence of the Divorced Girl Smiling brand. So when a friend of mine recently said: “My partner’s negativity is draining me,” I truly felt for her.
She went on to tell me that his negativity is so bad, that it’s becoming toxic and that she is considering divorce. I can understand how she feels. Not just a husband or wife, but being around someone who is so negative-maybe a friend, family member, or even a coworker can be depressing, and all you want to do is stay as far away from the person as you possibly can!
If you are relating to this, and you think your spouse or ex spouse’s negativity is draining you, let me know if this is how the person acts:
- They think negatively about everything. Everything is doom and gloom.
- They have a lack of empathy. In other words, you aren’t allowed to have problems. Your issues aren’t important at all. I once told someone I had thyroid cancer and her response was: “It’s fine. No one dies from that.” She then went on to tell me she was upset that she had to have a mole removed on her arm and it might leave a scar. I’m not kidding.
- They complain constantly, about little things. – the waiter is taking too long to bring the food, the weather is bad, there’s so much traffic, they’re not happy with their nail polish color!
- They’re pessimistic. You come to them and tell them a great idea you have and they shoot it down and tell you “you’re dreaming.”
- They constantly criticize you.
- They’re jealous of you.
- They try to make you feel badly about yourself, a lot of times without even realizing they’re doing it.
- They’re not solution focused, but would rather dwell on the problem versus trying to think of a way to solve it or make things better.
Negativity in the workplace can feel toxic, as well. I have had multiple jobs in my life and have worked for so many different companies. Each company has a culture-a personality of it’s own. Some of the companies I worked for had a fantastic culture-one that helped me thrive and become successful. Other companies set their employees up to fail. For example, I once worked for a company and there were about 8 salespeople (I was one of them.) Our boss would say things like “If you can’t get it done, I’ll find 8 other salespeople to replace you who can!” That only made me want to quit more (which I did.)
Another toxic situation was at the TV station where I worked. My news director would make fun of the way I talked, would say I sounded “jappy” and would berate me for every little thing I said or did. It was so abusive that by the end of my time there, I had no self-esteem and truly thought I was a terrible reporter. How I wish I could go back and tell myself the truth.
But I also worked for a company when I was really young, where my AMAZING boss taught me how to sell, and how to be ethical and work with integrity. He would pump us up and have creative little contests to motivate us. We laughed a lot and I enjoyed working there every day.
I also worked for a home care company and my boss was a single mother who had so much love and compassion in her, and it showed. The whole staff was motivated to work hard because we loved her and we knew she cared about us. We wanted to make her happy and we wanted to be successful not just for us, but for her. See the difference?
I have a friend who was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He was wealthy and she had always been a stay-at-home mom. She always wanted to be a nurse and wanted to go back to school to get a nursing degree, but her husband would laugh at her and say “You’ll never be able to do that. You’re not smart enough.” Sure enough, she got divorced and became a nurse. She was smart enough to use his negativity, jealousy and pessimism to get to where she is today. What I’m saying is…
Sometimes negativity from a spouse or someone else can motivate us to success.
I’d like to think my news director’s abuse lit a fire under me to become successful, both at the Chicago Tribune and in creating Divorced Girl Smiling.
Here’s my advice for those who feel like your partner’s negativity or your ex’s negativity is draining you:
- Try to recognize that it’s not personal.
He/she is an unhappy, miserable, jealous person. It’s not about YOU. It’s about the other person. Not taking it personally is not easy to do, but if you tell yourself “it’s not about me” during times when you feel the toxicity, it helps.
2. Use your spouse’s or ex spouse’s negativity to thrive!!!
Let his/her belittling and laughing at you motivate you to work hard. Prove him wrong! In your heart, you know you can do whatever you put your mind to. You don’t need his/her validation or support. You’ve never gotten it in the past, so why would you want or need it now?
3. Surround yourself with positivity and positive people.
Leave the job that has the negative culture. Find a better situation if you can. By the way, don’t quit before you get another job. But get out of the toxicity! It will change your life.
Also, those friends who you feel are jealous of you, who don’t want you to succeed because of their own miserable situation: get them out of your life. If they are family members, minimize your time around them and see and love them for who they are. Instead, surround yourself with those people who you know want you to succeed. The ones who lift you up. Your mentors who say “You’re doing amazing! I’m proud of you.”
4. Don’t ever forget your belief in yourself.
If you have faith in yourself and your mission and your abilities, then no one, not even the most negative, toxic person can prevent you from doing whatever you want in life. It’s not always easy to keep that positivity if you are living with a negative person or you are forced to be around that person for long periods of time: at work, your husband/wife, etc. But find time every day to look in the mirror and tell yourself: “I’m working on my goals and I’m going to get there. I am capable of achieving what I want. I’m smart. I will be successful.”
Negativity truly is toxic. A negative person can strip you of self-esteem and self-worth. They can drain any confidence or belief in yourself. But honestly, I’m not even saying the negative person is a bad person or that he or she is doing it intentionally. But the thing is, they’re doing it and it’s really really really bad for your health.
The good news is, you have control over whether or not you want to buy into the negativity or rise above it. I cannot count the number of women who have reinvented themselves and flourished after divorce. Many of them are women who had no idea what they wanted to do, or were capable of doing. They had zero self-esteem and once they got away from the negativity and truly saw what was real–their amazing abilities, there was no stopping them. That’s sort of my story. And just for the record, I believe in you!
