As I look back on myself as a newly separated 41 year-old–feeling scared and sad and angry and hopeless and lonely, I realize now how utterly lost I was. Those first several months going through a divorce with two young children were painful and difficult. Every day it felt like there was a new problem.
My ex would come get the kids and make an effort to barely look at me and make me feel like he hated my guts. Also, I felt like I was on trial (because I was.) When you’re in divorce litigation, you feel like you are constantly being watched and judged, and if you do one bad thing, it could cost you in a custody battle. It’s a terrible feeling, especially if you feel like you’re a good parent!
There was also the issue of my kids acting out as a way of coping with the divorce. Throw in the fact that I was heartbroken, felt lonely and isolated, had no one to talk to, who I truly felt understood me.
But perhaps the most difficult and stressful aspect about being newly separated, however, was fear. Fear is normal and understandable, and stems from the unknown; from not having any idea of what to expect.
When I was newly separated, I didn’t know what to expect.
I was in uncharted territory. I had never been to court before I got separated. I didn’t even know what the word litigation meant. And, I didn’t know what life was going to be like after the divorce, next year, next month, even the next day!
Life back then was like a roller coaster, and I remember that winter, I got the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life, probably my body’s reaction to months and months of some of the worst stress I can ever remember.
Back then, I wish I would have had someone to tell me what to expect. It wouldn’t have made my divorce problems go away, but it would have made the stress so much more manageable, having an idea of potentially might happen. So, I want to offer that to you.
Here are 20 things I wish I could have told my newly separated self:
1. Prepare for the roller coaster ride.
Life during a divorce is filled with ups and downs, and unexpected good and bad things coming at you every day. For example, you might wake up feeling pretty good, like, “OK, this is manageable.” But then you get a call from your attorney that starts with, “Uhhh…” and goes on to say your ex wants more parenting time and wants to pay less alimony.
Things might seem really bad for the next few weeks, and you have to drag yourself out of bed, but then something good happens, like someone from your past reaches out to you and it means the world, or you have a great parenting moment, or you get called for an interview for a job, and then you think, “OK, I can do this!”
Believe it or not, there are some really wonderful times during this journey filled with both jabs and surprises. The surprises are in the things that happen to you and the people you end up meeting, but mostly, the surprises come from within; the times you look in the mirror and realize that you’re proud of yourself, that you are making your own money, that you are a great mom, that you are pretty-inside and out, that you have respect for yourself because this isn’t easy and you are doing it!!
2. Your ex is hurting too.
It’s hard to think of your ex because when you are newly separated, you are so focused on yourself. But the fact is, he/she is hurting too, and from that hurt comes anger. So, try to be understanding of erratic, unreasonable behavior. I’m not saying accept it. It’s not okay. Just understand why it’s happening.
3. Getting divorced does not mean you are a failure so stop looking at it that way.
I remember just feeling so bad about myself because I felt like I had failed. Why were most of my other friends able to keep their marriages together? I felt like a loser, and looking back, that was such the wrong way to look at things. You are NOT a failure, you are taking steps to make your life better, as well as the life of your children.
4. Be careful who you talk to while newly separated.
Airing your dirty laundry to the wrong people could have consequences. You don’t want to become known as that person in your community who can’t stop talking about her divorce. People will eventually forget about your divorce, but they will never forget if you acted in a negative, mean-spirited, or unstable way.
Also, when I was newly separated, I went out with my neighbor and basically told her everything; things I didn’t tell anyone else. Guess what she did? She ended up dating my ex husband a few weeks later! Watch out!
5. Reach out to the people who love you.
They want to be there for you. Don’t sit in a room and cry by yourself. There are times you need to call your girlfriends or sisters or family and just sob. When people ask, “Is there anything I can do?” take them up on it! They want to help. Ask them to babysit your kids if you need to go to therapy or the grocery store or for a run. Ask them to introduce you to connections in the field for a job you are trying to get. Ask them to pick up your kid if you are too exhausted. Don’t try to do everything yourself or you will become overtired, stressed, and angry, and your parenting might suffer.
Lastly, If you think you are in real trouble, meaning you are a danger to yourself, you need to call 9-1-1. PLEASE. Don’t be ashamed to do it. You are not yourself right now.
6. You won’t be alone and single the rest of your life, so don’t waste time and energy worrying about it.
At the beginning of a divorce, it’s hard to imagine ever loving or trusting someone again. I get it. But most times, divorced people who want to find love do. Being in a healthy relationship again takes time, patience, an open mind and self-love. It doesn’t happen overnight and if it does, it’s just a rebound Band-Aid. Waiting for the real thing is worth it, and healing yourself first before jumping into a serious relationship is wise. I’m not saying don’t date, but don’t start your divorce journey off by looking for husband #2. He’s not the answer to your happiness, you are.
7. Your kids might act out, cry a lot, and possibly act angry.
Their behavior is not your fault and it doesn’t mean you made a mistake getting divorced. Try to be patient with your kids, and get them some therapy . You can also talk to a parenting coach who can help you help your kids. I personally think all kids and parents getting divorced should be required to go to therapy, at least for a little while. It helps so much more than you can imagine. Lastly, do not feel guilty for your kids suffering. That is the worst, most wasted emotion on the planet. It won’t help your kids and it will just make you feel worse.
8. Your ex will have a girlfriend really soon.
Be prepared. And, he will still be cold and distant to you, no matter how blissful he seems with her. He will most likely try to rub it in your face. Don’t play his game. You focus on your life and try not to think about his. It might seem unfair. Why does he get to have his happy ending? Don’t think like this. You have no idea if he’s happy. He’s hurting just like you are. Shift your focus on getting to your happy ending.
9. Your in-laws will act like strangers to you.
This was heartbreaking to me. Upon becoming separated, my in-laws stopped talking to me. They basically pretended they didn’t know me, and when I saw them –for years and years, even at my own kids Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, (which I paid for) they acted mean and cold and like strangers.
It hurts like hell, but you will be okay. I know this is hard to understand, but don’t take it personally. They have to take their son’s side. Accept it and try not to be bitter about it. And, it could end up changing after the divorce is over. I get along with my former in-laws great now, and I think of them as family. But, it took a long time to get to that place.
10. Some of your friends will stop calling you or returning your calls the second you are newly separated.
This is so hurtful.It might make you feel angry. Try not to be that way. Try not to take it personally. Your divorce is THEIR issue. Some of your friends will start calling you and want to get together to hear the dirt on why you got separated. After one get together, you will never hear from them again.
The good news is, you will start meeting new friends and they will mean the world to you. You will find out what real friendship is when your true friends–the ones who were in your wedding, are still there for you–before, during and after your divorce.
11. Yoga is your best friend while newly separated.
Start doing yoga. Today. Trust me on this one. It slows you down. It helps you breathe. It is one of the best stress management tools I can think of, and you reap the benefits even hours after the class.
12. You’re going to get calls from your attorney telling you what is happening in your case.
Some calls will cause you to cry so hard you will hyperventilate. Remember that it will all turn out fine if you make good, ethical choices, be the best mom(or dad) you can be, try to be patient, and realize that you don’t have control over what your ex and his/her attorney does. Just make sure you trust your attorney.
13. You’re going to meet a lot of men who will paint a bleak picture of what the dating scene after divorce is like.
Dating apps can be so depressing, meeting Mr. Wrong after Mr. Wrong after Mr. Wrong. It’s frustrating, exhausting and can leave you feeling hopeless. That said, there are so so so many good people out there, too! Lots of them. And so many people are looking for a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. I promise. Don’t lose hope.
14. One day or night, you will be out and you won’t be expecting anything, and a guy who you never thought would be interested in you will be.
Love hits randomly. You can be on Facebook and meet someone–a friend of a friend, you can be set up, you can be at a party, you can be at Starbucks and start talking to someone, and of course, you can be on a dating app and meet someone.
When I was younger, I used to hate it when people would say, “You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.” But now, I agree! There’s a fine line between trying too hard to meet someone, and sitting on the couch expecting love to come to you. My advice is, stay authentic, stay humble, and believe you are worthy of finding love and being in a healthy romantic relationship. Make a small effort to dating apps, but focus more on spending time with the people you like and love, doing the things you truly enjoy, and pursuing your passions. That’s how love finds you.
15. There will be many nights you will feel exhausted and lonely and like things will never get any better. They will.
I promise you. And, as time goes by, there will be less and less nights like that, and more and more better days, until the hopeless nights become almost never.
16. If someone other than your soon-to-be ex tells you that you should consider getting on anti-depressants temporarily, consider the fact that they might be right.
Many men and women go on medication for the short term during the beginning of a divorce. There’s no shame in it! I didn’t, and I regret it. It would’ve made my life much easier back then. You don’t have to be so tough. If you have a broken arm, would you go to the emergency room and get a cast? Your emotional health is no different.
17. Worrying doesn’t really do anything except cause sickness and disease, and make you feel depressed.
So, when you start to worry about something, start to breathing like you would in yoga class, and just shift your thoughts to something positive.Your kids, people you love, your dog, simple life pleasures. All of these thoughts are better than worrying about something you can’t control.
18. Whenever you feel extreme anger, sadness, depression or anxiety, do one of two things (after the deep breathing and shift of thoughts): go for a run or walk or write in a journal.
Just do it. Don’t even think twice. Those two things are guaranteed temporary remedies. You will feel great after either one. Don’t send the journal entry to anyone, though. Just save it and read it another time. Writing makes a person feel cleansed, like they’ve gotten it all out. It also makes one feel validated, like you just told someone and they acknowledged that you are allowed to feel that way. By the way, if you go on the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app, there is a page that has questions that will prompt you to journal your thoughts. You can save them on the app and go back and look at them anytime!
19. Laugh.
Smiling and laughing are so healthy and so good for you physically and emotionally. You’ll thank me. How do you laugh? Look through your old photos, watch a funny show or movie: Seinfeld, Sex & the City, Friends, etc., call your best friend, play with your dog, google “jokes,” whatever it takes!
20. Hating depletes your own energy.
I know you’re angry, and I know you might feel like everything is unfair.You might feel a lot of resentment and animosity towards your ex. It is healthy to express anger. It’s one of the stages of divorce. But try not to be hateful because all that does is exhaust you even more.
In closing, the bottom line is, I know being newly separated is a really hard time but you’re going to do just fine. Try to have patience, and try to enjoy your life even during these tumultuous weeks and months.
I promise things will change, and you will look back and think,”Wow, what a hard time that was, but I got through it and I’m stronger, wiser and happier.”
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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Leslee Kelly
Thank you so much for these comments a. It helps tremendously to know that i am not alone in my feelings and experiences. You are doing great work and i hope that you continue.
Alexis
Hi 😊. I’m just wondering if 5 years later you’re feeling better ? I am divorced for 2 years now. Two things said to me that really reflected my experience were these: Divorce is traumatic. Divorce is humbling. Your world and identity as you understood it is broken open. It is quite painful. I hope you’re doing better.
Sally
Alexis I am so sorry for your pain and trauma! I pray you find peace. I am married but reading these articles to help me with decisions. God bless!
Anyes Vedel
Thanks for this article.
lisa thomson-The Great Escape...
Great advice, Jackie! Journaling, wine and exercise saved me. I can relate to all of these. It’s much better now with all of the divorce bloggers a click away.
Kelly
Thank you, mine is moving out tomorrow and I am crushed…never thought watching him pack his things would hurt sooo much!! Thank you believe me you are helping me and others on how to cope!!!~Kelly
Per
I liked exercise to clear my brain. You write yoga, but I think it could be any kind of exercise. Otherwise I like your extensive list on divorce problems to work out. 🙂
Chicks Unhitched
“Divorce is tough, you are tougher”. This blog is so inspirational for all of us divorcees. In light of this tough subject we have put together a program that will help anyone going through this situation become better acquainted with their true inner self. Interested? The mountains of Western NC are calling for you 🙂
Melanie L.
Many of these definitely resonate with me! I might have to draft a response blog post with some additional list items! I’m so glad I’m not alone!
Jackie Pilossoph
please do!!
Alex Rick
Divorce is never easy. It’s emotional, expensive, and results in radical lifestyle changes. While no one can take away all of the discomfort associated with divorce, Your Divorce Force has developed education programs geared toward easing the process and saving you money.
Emma
Thank you!
This is my first weekend of my daughter being with her father and I am feeling a little emotional.
#2 Your ex is hurting too. And he’s angry. Try to be understanding of erratic, unreasonable behavior. I’m not saying accept it. It’s not okay. Just understand why it’s happening.
This is one I have to keep reminding myself about, although it will not stop the anger and hurt for now, because I do believe that ….
# 8 Your ex will have a girlfriend in the next two weeks. Be prepared. And, he will still be cold and distant to you, no matter how blissful he seems with her.
TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY :). Kind of exciting!
Questioner
One area that could be added:
Prepare yourself for your friends’ attempts to get you back together, and for their unsolicited advice on what you should do on other matters. You will want to tell them to shut up, and might even try hiding, but your friends will persist. It’s tough to tell them to shut up, especially if they do it in front of your kids, which people did to me, and I have no idea why they didn’t have the sense not to do that. Almost all of us are trying to to shield your kids from the details of your divorce.
I was told the following, and you’ll probably hear the same things, or variations of them:
– She’s so nice! (I wanted to say: you don’t know what was said and what went on behind closed doors – if you treated me like she did in the last 3 years of our marriage, I’d imagine decapitating you, and I certainly wouldn’t speak to you again. Besides, if she was so nice, why did she abandon me with the kids and cut off contact with them as well as with me?).
– Did you try counseling? We had a good one who saved our marriage – give me her number and I’ll call her and tell her about what he did for us. (I wanted to say: Counseling? Is that something new? Yes, we went to counseling over two years after I first suggested it to her, and by that time, an unbreakable wall had been built between us. And by the way,, do you realize that by asking this you’re implying we didn’t work hard enough on our marriage?)
– Marriage takes work. (I wanted to say – I guess you think we were pretty lazy then, right?)
– You two could grow old together. This came from a guy whose wife had died, and he missed her (I wanted to say: Yes, we could grow old together, but she’s either meaner than hell or off the deep end, and it would be a long, miserable life for me if I did).
– Drive five hours to where she’s now living and beg her to come back. (What I wanted to say: first of all, pursuit never works according to the experts, and she probably wouldn’t even speak to me if I did drive there. Second of all, I don’t want her back – who would want someone back who left me in a rage with three hours notice after spending 15 minutes telling the kids she was never coming back, and then cut off her kids?)
– When you’re done with this, there will be plenty of women interested in you. (What I wanted to say: Maybe, but the last three years of my marriage were so horrible that I’m considering celibacy for life – many, perhaps most people going through a divorce are too clobbered by it all to think of having another relationship – I certainly don’t want one right now, and I’m also simply too busy dealing with finding and scanning 1000 pages of financial records for the divorce while working and dealing with the kids to even think about other women).
You may hear other variations, including things which I didn’t hear, like:
– Make sure you clean him out. (Yes, you want advice on really creating a war right now).
– I never liked him or her, anyway. (Thanks for telling me how bad my judgment was)
***
PS: Jackie – If you haven’t written a column about this, please do so. The rest of the world needs to learn what to say to someone going through a divorce.
Barbara Bonds
My husband told me less than 36 hours ago he does not love me. He stopped loving me for some time, even years.
He moved me from Florida to Ohio two years ago because he said he was unhappy with his job, and if we moved to Ohio he would be happy again…we would be happy again. Last night he said, he is still unhappy and it was not his job. He is unhappy because he does not love me. We have four kids, only one in house- senior in HS. Honestly, I think he was waiting for this end of our last child to leave before leaving me. This was his plan all along. And while he has had years with my love to him, to plan all this. I have had just a few hours to shift my entire world. I am so lost. I do not know if I am coming or going. I cannot think straight. I cannot eat, sleep, I cannot stop crying (even though I do not want to cry). I do not have any friends in Ohio.
I do not even know what else to write.
Jackie Pilossoph
First of all, I am so so very sorry this happened to you. What a horrible thing he has done to you. Almsot the exact same thing happened to a close friend of mine, and as it turned out. He moved her to another city because he already had a girlfriend there-who he ended up marrying shortly after the divorce. So, while the last thing I want to do is upset you any further, is it possible he has someone in Ohio? Why the move from Florida, such a nice, warm place? Regardless, what you owe to yourself is happiness. That could mean so many things, including moving back to florida. Also, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist for these first several weeks. You seem like you are in shock and confused. It is very understandable. So, my advice would be to take care of your kids and yourself, and just take time to think about what you want in life, professionally, personally, etc. There is no rush. Absorb what has happened and grieve it. Cry if you need to as much as you want. Collect your suppport group–friends, family, etc. You need them now. Have faith in God and believe that things are going to work out. It just takes time. xoxox
Jackie Pilossoph
Also, join the Divorced Girl Smiling facebook group page. You will get some advice from women who have been through this.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/DivorcedGirlSmiling/
Annie
Yeah the games they play. Like “let’s get married so I can get my papers… ” So I guess I get what I deserve lol. So fooled by the long black hair he had and dark brown puppy dog eyes.. And not smart Enuf to listen to his words and his motives never involved “I love you and want to make you happy.”
So many guys are concerned with THEIR happiness but no one else’s….
puzzle jigsaw
I don’t think I need to be sad over my divorce! Because he doesn’t deserve me to do it – so … why should I think about it!
just guilty of the kids! Help them understand (they probably won’t be able to understand, but do it!). Treat them like adults and be honest with them.
Ceekay
Barbara, I am sorry for your situation and I also, found out just last week…after 30 years together. For the first time in my life, I had no appetite for 3 days which was truly bizarre for me. It felt like the ground was ripped out from under me. I found out there are 4 Main stages of Change: 1- shock and disorientation, 2- Anger and other emotional responses, 3- Reconciliation or coming to terms 4- Acceptance and moving forward. (I’m at 2). I think the most important thing is to be kind to yourself- let yourself grieve as much as you need, and feel as much as you need to feel. Writing helps me and moving/stretching/exercise. It does get better (my appetite came back) and you realize you’re much stronger than you think you are… Best of luck to both of us and all those who are suffering though this kind of situation and thank you Jackie for your website!
Dor
Awesome article, thank u
Rebound bandaid lol Love that term!
Yes my ex moved on fast , within a yr purchased a million dollar home w his gf
I am stronger, wiser and independent now
I often think of all that I have done in the last 2 yrs
I sold 2 homes, purchased and decorated a new one, got a mortgage, opened up accounts, found a financial advisor and a tax accountant
I learned a lot and realized how dependent on him i was in my marriage
Divorce is bad but the positive is I have grown
My greatest achievement are my 2 kids