There are many reasons people get divorced, but for the purpose of this article, let’s exclude the biggie deal breakers: cheating, addiction, or verbal and physical abuse. What happens when someone decides to get divorced because they have a lack of like? What do I mean by that? I’m talking about the person who says, “I love my husband but I don’t like him.”
I think it’s really really easy to fall in love with someone and to love that person. You have hot sex at the beginning of a relationship, and you might begin to care for the person deeply as time goes by. You begin to love them like a family member.
What’s really really hard to find (I think it’s harder to find than love) is someone you truly like.
What do I mean by “like?” I mean, someone you enjoy being around, someone who is easy to be with, someone who acts like your best friend, someone who is likable, someone who you have fun with, someone you respect, someone you look at and think ‘Everyone likes him,’ and someone you think is a really good person.
I honestly think like is more important than love. I think “like” leads to great sex, love, trust, respect, and loyalty.
Like is more powerful than love. Like is what makes a relationship withstand the test of time.
Do you like being with the person, just hanging out doing nothing? Do you enjoy having conversations with the person? Do you respect his or her values and ethical standards? Does he/she make you laugh? Do you just plain old like being in the same room?
People who genuinely like each other have a better chance of not falling out of love.
The thing is, no one loves a good love story more than I do. I’m a huge fan of that period of time (which could last forever) when the relationship is exciting and fun and romantic. The candle lit dinner dates where you sit and drink wine and talk for hours, the times you get home and rip each other’s clothes off, the hugs where you want to squeeze the person for a year and not let go.
But I think if you truly like the person, those feelings of infatuation, physical attraction, respect and love never fade.
I’ve been with my boyfriend several years. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my life. But, I liked him from day one and I still like him. That drives the attraction and my wish to commit to him forever.
What if you love your husband but you don’t like him, but you want to try to save the marriage? Here’s my advice:
The two of you need to go to couple’s therapy and discover what you once liked about each other (or if you ever liked each other.) Then really focus on friendship and teamwork and treating each other with respect and trust and kindness. Respect and trust and kindness are the things that foster a friendship–not just with a spouse but with any friend!
So, for those who say “I love my husband but I don’t like him,” these are your choices. Whatever you decide–whether it’s staying together or getting divorced, remember that the best choice is being happy.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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SF74
This post resonates with me so much. It has been hard some days even talking about the “Why?” and “What Happened?” with people. It was a bunch of little things and a few huge things, and then one day I remember just turning into a robot. And, I was a robot for about a year, knowing that one day I would just break. I couldn’t pretend to be the happy wife anymore, and by the time I entered the therapist’s office, my mind was only on one thing: How do I get out of this and find a really happy life?
I was staying for our two boys, and I knew that. And, I finally realized I just had to break free. And, I felt horrible, but there was nothing left. The feelings were completely gone. And, I DID try. I was the only one trying. The only one working. The only one being healthy and holding it all together, and finally one day all the resentment and anger and exhaustion took over and I just said, “Enough.”
So, liking your spouse is so very important. And, so is passion and a feeling that you really cannot live without this person in your life, because they make you better. That was not the case. I am happy I left, even though it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. But, the good news is I am not a robot anymore. Thank GOD for that.
Anon
I know I’m only staying for my 2 boys…. the way you have described it seems like your telling my story. I’m happy to know you are happy xx that gives me some hope that maybe these thoughts are what I need to do….
Jenny
I am right in the middle of this. I left 15 months ago and still feel horrible every time I have a connection with the people who were close to both of us because he is still so sad. How do I end this horrible feeling of embarrassment, humiliation, and shame?