Getting over a divorce isn’t easy. I know that firsthand. It’s a process. First, you’re somewhat shocked–even if you knew it was going to happen for a long time. Then it’s confusing. There are so many unknowns. Then you might decide you’re really angry. The next couple weeks you might cry and be really sad. Then you might feel intense fear and stress for the future.
Divorce is a process that takes months, even years, and it’s healthy to process all of those emotions. But there’s one emotion that is very very unproductive. It serves no good purpose, and honestly, it really, really, really slows down the process of moving on:
Regret.
Here are examples of regret that will prevent you from getting over a divorce:
“He wouldn’t have cheated if I was a better wife.”
“I never should have taken that job in California and moved her away from her family.”
“My family warned me not to marry her. I should have listened.”
“I should have divorced him 10 years ago. I would have been a decade younger and had so much more time to be happy.”
“I should have worked harder at the marriage.”
“I never should have said those things to him.”
“I should have agreed to have another child like she wanted.”
“I should have treated her better.”
“I wish I would have been nicer.”
These are just some of the things someone getting divorced might say to themselves or to others. Regrets are should haves, could haves, would haves, and they are very unproductive. I mean, what good does it do to look back and say these things? Will it change anything? No. Will it bring you back to the past? No.
Everyone in life has regrets, not just about divorce, but about everything. I have a million regrets. Having regrets is part of life. But the difference between people who can move on and those who can’t, is the way we process the regrets. We can dwell on them, or we can accept that we can’t go back in time and we can choose to learn from the mistakes and regrets.
I think it’s very normal and unavoidable to have regrets, to think about them and to verbalize them. BUT, there comes a time when regrets need to be put to rest and not focused upon. Regrets need to be pushed out of that space in your head that can choose to hold positive or negative thoughts. It is key in getting over a divorce.
Our regrets are the drivers that make us smarter and smarter as we grow older.
With all that said, here is the key to getting over a divorce. Put your regrets aside and replace that space in your head with TODAY. Rejoice and celebrate what you have NOW.
Instead of saying “I wish I would have been a better wife,” say “I am a good person and I will be a better spouse in my next relationship.”
Instead of saying “He wouldn’t have cheated if I was a better wife” think, “I had no control over what he did. His cheating is not my fault.”
Instead of saying “”I never should have taken that job in California and moved her away from her family” say, “I thought that was the right decision at the time. I can’t change it, I can only learn from it.”
Instead of saying “I should have divorced him 10 years ago. I would have been a decade younger and had so much more time to be happy,” say “Every day that I am alive is a chance to be happy and have a good life. I will take advantage of all the time I have left.”
Gratitude, contentment, and celebration should be what replaces those awful feelings of regret that don’t mean anything anymore, except for the fact that we gain valuable lessons from them.
What’s the opposite of regret? Contentment.
Those bitter people who can’t let go of the hate and resentment for their ex: they haven’t let go of their regrets, they are anything but content, relaxed and at peace because their head is still in the past. Divorced people who end up happy accept what happened and make a conscious choice to move on, not to necessarily forget the past but to not focus on it, and to embrace now and the future. They enjoy TODAY. The beauty is, the decision to regret or be content is completely yours. Isn’t the choice a no-brainer?
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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Lisa
great words; thanks for sharing.
Laura
Well said! Worry robs the present, but regret surely does rob the future!
Bev Walton
As always Jackie, words of wisdom!!
Jeff
Your thoughts, wisdom, strength and positive approach is amazing.
Anonymous
I think an alternative point of view is that some people do quite hurtful things when they stop caring, while others are respectful and caring and do not do such things. Nobody wants to be run over by an emotional bus and get hurt. When people get deeply hurt, hate results. Why is this so hard to grasp? If your X booked 10000 counseling appointments before you both decided it isn’t working, it is a different ballpark from getting a schmoopie and throwing you out on the street. You will not be able to forgive such a person, and will celebrate if they die.
HappilyDivorced
Jackie, I totally agree with your view that having bitterness and resentment for the ex is not going to be constructive at all and will only add further miseries to life – The sooner that one forgets the past and starts a new life like you have been doing, the better for ourselves and the loved ones around us.
noor
Hi,
superb but we can never forget these moments:)but regret surely does rob the future!
Geri
I would be willing to try magic if it would bring my husband and myself back together.
Elyse
I agree with anonymous. I don’t know how many” buses” have run over me during the course of this divorce. The latest one is my attorneys firm split up and my attorney went to ex’s firm. I can’t even begin to figure out what to do. At the age of 72 and numerous health issues, it’s difficult to see what I have to look forward to…especially when he squeezes out every penny he can get from the marital estate. He “gaslighted” me from day one of our marriage. If you don’t know what gaslighting is, please look it up. He also emotionally and psychologically abuse me. Last but not least he financially abused me. I blamed everything on myself he spent seven years online dating to find a woman older than he is who he is financially comfortable and probably doesn’t have children to leave her money to. He decimated our financial situation by taking out $900,000 in loans without my knowledge and without my consent. Somehow through the divorce I am responsible for half of the loans… Even though I didn’t sign for them. I can’t see how I will ever recover. The hate and hurt will never go away. Any suggestions from anyone are welcome. Thanks.
LaTrese
I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. I pray things will get better and that the right people will come into your life to see you through this, especially legally.
Michele
Elisa, I understand your situation. Although the numbers aren’t quite as high as yours, my ex did similar things – HELOCS and loans galore. He also quit his job, stating that he wasn’t happy and that his getting out of a bad job would help him focus on being a better husband. He only wanted a roommate from day 1 of our 25 year marriage. I should never had bought the lies he was selling, but I loved him. I am very recently divorced, but I know I will find peace and happiness by not dwelling on the past and by focusing on what I can control now. Peace – It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those things and.still be calm in your heart
Becca
You are a Godsend. Thank you for your help at a very difficult time in my life
Jackie Pilossoph
Awww, thank you for saying that. I wish you all the best. xoxo
Alyokhin CPA
It is critical to engage a tax professional to help you with the tax implications on divorce.
Vlad Alyokhin
Thank you for this article.It is very important for some people.
lisa
it’s difficult to see what I have to look forward to…especially when he squeezes out every penny he can get from the marital estate. He “gaslighted” me from day one of our marriage. If you don’t know what gaslighting is, please look it up. He also emotionally and psychologically abuse me. Last but not least he financially abused me. I blamed everything on myself he spent seven years online dating to find a woman older than he is who he is financially comfortable and probably doesn’t have children to leave her money to. He decimated our financial situation by taking out $900,000 in loans without my knowledge and without my consent. Somehow through the divorce I am responsible for half of the loans… Even though I didn’t sign for them. I can’t see how I will ever recover. The hate and hurt will never go away. Any suggestions from anyone are welcome. Thanks.
Dor
Awesome article
I have 1 regret
I have told my ex what it was which helped me to move on
Almost 3 yrs and I have accepted what happened and focus on the now everyday
My kids and friends are what’s most important
Writing in my grateful journal and enjoying everyday makes me happy
lisa
Jackie, I totally agree with your view that having bitterness and resentment for the ex is not going to be constructive at all and will only add further miseries to life – The sooner that one forgets the past and starts a new life like you have been doing, the better for ourselves and the loved ones around us.
jone
I think an alternative point of view is that some people do quite hurtful things when they stop caring, while others are respectful and caring and do not do such things. Nobody wants to be run over by an emotional bus and get hurt. When people get deeply hurt, hate results.