From a reader: I found out my ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend, an affair that carried on for a long time, even during my marriage. I am probably most mad at myself on how I could have been so blind. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all.
“Ouch” is the first word that came into my mind when I read this woman’s e-mail to DGS. It’s kind of ironic. My novel, “Divorced Girl Smiling,” has a storyline in it with this component. So, although I’ve never actually experienced this situation personally, I’ve written about it as if I have.
Here is what my character, “Missy” was thinking and saying when she found out her ex husband was having a baby with his girlfriend:
“All I could do was think about the baby who was growing inside of my husband’s fiancé’s belly. Paul was going to be married and he was going to be a dad.”
“I burned with anger and pain and envy. It should have been me.”
“Paul is having the life he wants. The best thing he ever did was leave me. Now he’s got a young, perfect wife and he’s going to have a baby. The baby I failed to give him. He’s getting everything he wants.”
Again, I didn’t experience this scenario in my real life, but I have to believe the feelings this woman is experiencing are like a roller coaster: shock, anger, jealousy, regret, isolation, loneliness, sadness, and the feeling that it isn’t fair.
In other words, why does a cheater get to end up with a new wife, a baby and happily ever after? Also, when you find out someone has cheated, it makes you feel stupid, naïve, and like this woman expressed, angry at yourself for not knowing.
The best advice I can offer to someone whose ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend (or new wife) is to think about these 10 things:
1. Although this is very hurtful right now, you won’t always feel this way. Time always heals us.
2. One thing I did personally experience was my ex-husband getting remarried.
It was very upsetting to me, not because I wanted to get back together with him, but because it made me feel the true finality of the divorce. It also made me feel very very alone, like he got his happily ever after and I didn’t. It made me feel like a loser—which looking back is crazy.
3. Ask yourself, “If someone could wave a magic wand that causes the two of you to get back together, would you want that?”
Of course not. Don’t forget about all the issues the two of you had. There is a reason you aren’t together anymore, regardless of who left.
4. How can you be upset about the miracle of life?
A baby being born is beautiful. Let it make you smile, and don’t blame the unborn baby. He or she is being born into a very complicated situation.
5. Your ex and his new girlfriend aren’t as blissful as you think.
Just as you did, there are issues in their relationship. In other words, life isn’t all rainbows for them all the time.
6. Remember that their relationship started off with cheating, lies and deceit.
That sounds kind of icky to me. When you find love, yours won’t have that attached to it. It will be pure.
7. To answer this woman’s question, yes, he did love you.
Don’t convince yourself otherwise. If he asked you to marry him once, he loved you. I actually wrote an entire article on this subject called “He never loved me.”
8. Let them have their baby, and let yourself move on with your own life.
Do you have any idea of all that awaits you? Really really wonderful things and people! Some of it is fate, but you have to make things happen by making good choices and making an effort to live the life you really want. Don’t know what that is? I get it. It takes time to figure that out, but be patient, be open-minded and try things. It will come to you!
9. It’s not easy, but try to forgive what he did.
It will free you, as acceptance and forgiveness bring a peaceful life that opens up many doors for you.
10. Love yourself, and forgive yourself.
Were you perfect in your marriage? Nope. Taking accountability for part of the demise of the marriage is healthy and proves you have maturity and self-awareness. After you are willing to admit you weren’t perfect, forgive yourself and take credit for being the best wife you knew how to be. Also, forgive yourself for things you did during your divorce. It’s OK! It’s understandable. Looking back, I am not proud of how I behaved at times during my divorce. Divorce brings out the worst in people. You are better than that. It wasn’t you.
In closing, an ex-husband having a baby with his new girlfriend is a stab to the heart, but only initially. Take a deep breath and make the most of each and every day, with as little self-pity and with as much grace, poise and acceptance as you can. Eventually, things will improve. I promise!
Like this post? Check out, “My ex is getting remarried and it hurts like hell. How to handle it.”
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Claire
My husband is having twins with his girlfriend. He told me when she was already 6months pregnant. They will be born before our divorce comes through – classy. She is welcome to him. Its my children and these two new little ones I feel sorry for.
Michelle
My husband did the exact same thing. 14 Year marriage down the drain and a long affair that ended with a baby after he left. I moved on quick and it was the best thing. I meet my new husband who had shared a similar situation with his ex wife, after being in a healthy relationship with my new husband did I start to see how bad my old marriage was. I thank God for the mistress who came into and stole my husband. I have a man who adores and worships me and we are planning our first child now. But most importantly after a couple years my ex husband told me he wanted to come home and he made a mistake. That he still loved me and wanted to make things work. That day was the best day and the saddest, the best because I was truly happy in my new life and sad for the man I once loved. My ex told me I was his great love he let get away yet I couldn’t say the same. This all happened while my is living with his mistress, she had no idea he was trying to leave her when she was pregnant. My exes life isn’t one to envy and as many say I got the last laugh, but I don’t think of it that way only I was fortunate to have the worst thing in my life turn out to be the best. So hang in there ladies one man isn’t the end all be all.
Gloria Artiaga
My ex-husband is having a baby with his girlfriend today. I have our girls. He’s going to pick up girls to see their new brother and it makes me sad but i have to put on a happy face for my oldest daughter who is excited. Oh boy it’s been hard and i’ve been having a lot of self-pity. But thank you for this article….exactly how I was feeling and I find it very helpful and comforting!
Jackie Pilossoph
It’s all good! Let your kids enjoy their new brother. But, I’m telling you, his relationship isn’t a walk in the park. In a couple years, things will look a lot different with them. As for you, I hope you are focused on your life and being happy. You deserve that!!!
RD
You know, I don’t think the comments stating that someone else’s relationship isn’t happy or blissful is not helping anyone. For one – you don’t know that. If they’re compatible , it means the relationship doesn’t require much work and they could genuinely be blissfully happy. On the other hand, they may indeed have problems. Finding comfort in assuming someone else’s relationship isn’t happy seems to me a pure negative energy and insecurity rearing it’s ugly head. Assume they’re happy and be happy for them.
Josie
Happy for someone who hurt you? You mad?! That’s the worst kind of toxic positivity ever!
Sarah
Just came across this site, it is so needed. My ex husband, had an affair after 14.5 years of marriage, then cheated with a different woman who was married after our divorce. They are now married and just had a baby. Our daughter refuses to see her dad. This whole situation is so hurtful. I am glad I found your site, will check out the books.
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry. It’s awful, I’m sure. Just keep being the best mom you can be and focus on your own life–not your ex’s. Trust me, his marriage is not bliss. He’ll never tell you that though. You’ll find out when he is getting divorced again. Just a gut feeling.
Liz
My husband has been divorced for almost 6 yrs. He did cheat on his ex wife but not with me. I wasn’t the reason or the mistress. He did go on to have a relationship with the other girl for 3 yrs. Any how we’ve been together for 2 years and we recently have a baby of 6 months born with down syndrome. I’m just so tired of his ex wife baby mama drama. Including his 14 year old daughter. Ever since my son was born, they have given me hell. His ex keeps on nagging on him and obviously talking about me comparing herself to me . she sounds like a woman who is still hurt and very bitter. What I dont understand is why my baby and myself are getting all this hatred from her and her 14 year old daughter. My husband and I have gad arguments because of his ex. Im tired of getting blamed for a divorce that I didn’t not cost! By the way she is married for a year already. Please advice
Jackie Pilossoph
Oh, I’m so sorry. She sounds like one of those people who will just never let it go. It sounds like the hostility is more on her ex-husband than on you. So sad. My advice is to live and enjoy your life and try to stay as far away as possible from them. Just be kind and curtious, and respect the fact that the 14 year old is his daughter. give them time together and just stay outside. I know it’s not easy, but being outside is better than being in the middle of such toxicidy. Just enjoy your own family. And, let your ex spend time with his daughter without giving him a hard time. In fact, let him take her out for dinners by himself. Just detach from that. I think you will find that it is liberating and empowering. What I’m trying to say is, don’t try to force yourself into her life. Let her deal with her own resentment towards her father. She will come around. The ex wife probably never will, which is kind of pathetic.
Stephanie Stiltner
I am most glad to see that my feelings are normal about my ex having another baby. When we were married we went on a long, painful journey of fertility treatments that thankfully ended with a son. After two betrayals he left. He met his now wife a year and a half ago and they just welcomed a baby girl. It only took a month for them to get pregnant. Seeing pics and posts of him saying how insanely happy he is hurts and I am upset by these feelings that i thought were done. I feel like he is undeserving of a baby girl that I will never get. I love my son to pieces but it is unfair that he gets to ruin our marriage and have a son and daughter. What I hate most is feeling this way- I am happily remarried with two step sons. My son is thrilled about having a sister and says now he has a blood sibling instead of two stepbrothers that are just steps. I wanted to be the one that gave my son this, not my ex who treated me so bad. I guess i still have some resentment and hard feelings. Will this get easier. My current husband is a bit tired of this convo. The rest of my family is just happy that my son gets to experience this. Why c as n’t I be happy.
Jackie Pilossoph
Why are you treating your ex like you are in a competition with him? There is NO competition whatsoever here!! As an outsider, I feel like i can see what’s going on. Your ex was devastated by how hard it was for you to have a baby, he was traumatized. He tried to heal himself with affairs and by getting another woman pregnant (which he did.) His new daughter nor his new wife will heal the pain he had when the two of you were going through fertility treatments. So, those are his choices. As for you, if you are happily married, then why do you still care?? You are blessed to have a wonderful husband and two great stepsons. Why are you focusing on what you DON’T have? Let your son be excited that he has a sister. why take that away from him because of your own jealousy? Stop focusing on your ex. Yes, he was a shit to cheat. There. That is how you have won the competition. He cheated, you didn’t. But you will never be happy until you learn how to let it go and focus on NOW instead of past resentments. I hope this helps you and I’m sorry if I am so being harsh, but I want you to appreciate what you have and stop looking back and/or comparing yourself to your ex and his new wife.
Karen
My ex had been with this women mentally for st least 8 years. He bought her into my home. Befriended my children. She would get ready for functions she was attending with him in my house. He would pick her up and drop her home and I’d have to make my own way. She was st my kids sporting events all the time. Would come to my house for dinner. I would say to him, “ you need to be careful here”. He assured me that she was just his “ buddy”.
26 years we were married. The things we went through together we very extraordinary.
He came home from a business trip and advised he was in need of a break to get his head together.
I knew what he was up to…
He left me with 4 children and some pretty tough times.
He didn’t see the kids or call them very often.
Would come over ocassonaly and watch TV. He didn’t come get the kids and take them out.
We we’re seperated and he did not want a divorce.
After 9 months I suggested we take the kids away together. We did for 2 weeks…
when we came back he took off… didn’t hear from him for two weeks.
The trip away he was quite close.
He was keeping me dangling on a string as insurance.
Then the meeting came!!!… I’ve moved on and she’s pregnant.
Guess who had to break that to the children!!!
Still to this day, and that was 5 years ago, he hasn’t given me any reasons for why he left.. on a statement to say he made a mistake leaving me.
Well, he has 2 children to her now. Neither of them he wanted.
My kids are free to make up tgeir Ian minds about what sort of relationship they have. I remain friends with him and allow him to bring the little ones to my home.
After all, it’s not their fault.. they are lovely.
I will always remain as his friend and time is allowing forgiveness. But I will never go back.
We are divorced at my hand.. he came kicking and screaming. Actually he didn’t come to court. He sent his lawyer.
Life has its own agenda. We need to step back an learn the lessons of the past to prepare us for the future.
There are blessings in all things that happen.
There are two little children in the world now. They are beautiful. For me.. liberation!!!
Sarah
My ex husband is having a baby boy with his girlfriend. I have a daughter from my past relationship. I’ve always wanted a baby boy but we never had it. Now he will have it with his girlfriend.
His girlfriend was not aware that he was married when she got pregnant. On those times we also have meet ups. And until now, we are communicating. However now he wants me to meet his girlfriend so we will know each other. He also wants my daughter to know his soon to be baby boy. But why? We are not even together anymore. Should I meet his girlfriend and the baby? Is it possible for all of us to get a healthy friendship?
KK
My ex got into a new relationship 2 months after we broke up (we were together for 4 years) . 3 months later they were pregnant 3 more month they are engaged and bought a new house. It hasn’t even been a year yet. What hurts is he said he never wanted to get married again to me when we were dating. He said he had done that with his ex wife before I was his girlfriend. It makes me feel like he never loved me. I am trying to move on but these updated keep knocking me back down.
Nelly
So this may be a different case than the one above but i just need a little advice because honestly i feel alone and hurt. so i am at the moment married. me and my husband been together since 2011. sometime 2015 i found out from someone that his ex wife was pregnant and that she was going around telling everyone that its my husbands baby. so of course i asked him and of course he denied it until the baby came out looking just like him… i was crushed i had 2 kids with this man and it broke me i couldnt focus on alot of things including my kids.so he finally owned up to having sex with her and i thought the pain would never be over. marrige is a big deal for me so i made it work it took alot and a long time but here we are 4 years, 3 children and 1 misscarrige later and it feels like its happening all over again. now she posting it everywhere that she is pregnant again and that my husband is the father. what should i do???? honestly i would be fool to take him back a second time….
Jackie Pilossoph
Listen to your gut. Do what you KNOW is the right thing to do, even if it’s the more difficult thing to do. xoxo
Sarah
My ex husband is having a baby boy with his girlfriend. I have a daughter from my past relationship. I’ve always wanted a baby boy but we never had it. Now he will have it with his girlfriend.
His girlfriend was not aware that he was married when she got pregnant. On those times we also have meet ups. And until now, we are communicating. However now he wants me to meet his girlfriend so we will know each other. He also wants my daughter to know his soon to be baby boy. But why? We are not even together anymore. Should I meet his girlfriend and the baby? Is it possible for all of us to get a healthy friendship?
P.S : We are not annulled / Divorced yet
April Roxanne
My ex of 5 years left me for his neighbor. The same neighbor that showed up to my baby shower and then to the hospital to welcome my daughter. I was in a coma for 24 hours due to dangerous complications with my daughter and had to eventually have emergency surgery to remove my uterus. shortly after my daughter had turned 1 I suspected infidelity and sure enough without a doubt I was proven right. After confronting him, which was him denying anything I walked away. 2 weeks after denying any cheating, surprise surprise they come out as a couple. my daughter is now 3 and I found out that he is having another baby and getting married. In all honesty I was completely devastated because I see that I was not that special person to him as he lead me to believe. Having custody arrangements just make it so hard to see him without wondering what went wrong, how did I fail? was I the result of this? was it because I can’t have anymore children? it’s just painful
Jackie Pilossoph
Oh my gosh, this is NOT your fault or the result of you!!! Don’t even go there! Your ex cheated in my opinion because he couldn’t deal with the pain and trauma of seeing you in a coma, complications, etc. Or maybe that was part of it. For whatever reason, this was HIS choice, his issue, definitely nothing you did. I’m so sorry this happened to you, sweetie, but you need to enjoy your child and your life and get this cheater and this woman and their life out of your head. Focus on your life and what you want. It’s not over, it’s just beginning. xoxo
Liza M
I had been married for 8 years. We went through a very painful and devastating fertility treatment with 2 unsuccessful ivfs and 1 miscarriage. Then my husband left me saying he was no longer in love with me. It’s been 18 months since then. I recently found out his girlfriend got pregnant 3 months after they met. I can’t express how incredibly painful it is for me to hear that. I’m not only over him, but also very heartbroken from the news about the baby. I’m single and very sad. It feels like I’m under water and I’m drowning.
Rebecca Mitchell
I am going through this. My ex husband got some hookup pregnant before the divorce was even final. I suffered from infertility and never had a baby. He was rewarded with the most beautiful child and my life is in shambles. So unfair. The hurt is beyond words.
Melissa Vega
My ex of 24yrs is now married to the AP (who is 15yrs younger than me) our children are all grown up graduated college and living their life. After 5 yrs of trying they are finally having a baby, our youngest is 22yrs old.
Today was my middle child’s 26th birthday and I am on good terms with the ex’s mom dad and brother but today when we faced timed to sing happy birthday it was so strange. Everyone was asking about the baby etc…and it was like me and husband didn’t exist. I even hung up and my own children didn’t notice until an hour later when I got a text what happened. It was like everyone was being extra or maybe that’s how my mind perceived it. I know things will have to change bc my children now have a new sibling I just didn’t think it would come as a sacrifice to our relationship.
I don’t really know how to process these feelings. I am now remarried. My husband and I live a great life but it’s almost as if I want to stop talking to my children bc if this. Any advise?
Veronica Braswell
I needed to read this today, before my divorce of 16 years I asked my x for a baby and he said yes and a week later he said no. I knew it was over and we divorced. I just found out yesterday his 26 year old girlfriend is pregnant he’s 47 and I am angry. I don’t care he moved on I am angry because he never listened to me and that’s what lead to my divorce. thank you for this read today.
Shanea
I was first friends with my now ex husband and then I moved away and reconnected when I was a teenager. When I was two months away from being 21 we were married. I suffered through a lot of medical issues as a kid and most of my family told me(or at least tried to) to never have any kids because of the medical issues I had as a kid and that I was born with too. I ended up having a miscarriage when I was a month away from being 27. When I was pregnant again(after over 2 years of trying again and grieving like crazy)we brought a healthy baby girl into the world by C section on my 29th birthday. All the trouble started after the baby was born and I ended up having Post Partem Depression for 3 years. I wasn’t capable of being there for her like a good mama does. I had also gotten back in contact with an ex boyfriend that I thought still wanted a relationship with me before that too. Fast forward to COVID and I was dropped off at my Mother’s(that I don’t get along with)2 days before our birthdays. While we were separated(thank you North Carolina for your ridiculous divorce laws, you jerks😲😲😲😲🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬)for a year and a day,he cheated on me and then was able to get her pregnant too. My Mother told me he was seen taking this woman out to eat and they looked very cozy together. She also said she looked pregnant too. I got on the phone with him and he actually told me the truth. They were going out to eat together and she is pregnant. It turned out she was pregnant and the twins were due in a week. How do I deal with me not being able to talk to her or see her either? Also, how do I deal with her calling his new wife Mom? It’s been eating me up inside for a long time. First of all, I also found a piece of paper with her name and number on it. Then,our little girl started saying that other woman’s name in front of me. If you could help me out I would really appreciate it,thank you.