Setting Boundaries in Relationships-Especially The One With Your Ex

Setting boundaries in relationships–including the one with your ex is essential. Think of boundaries in your relationships as an important element of your self-care. Boundaries are not meant to punish somebody else. They are meant to honor ourselves. Imagine your boundaries as a personal treaty to help protect your needs and wants and to preserve your well-being, energy, and identity. When we set boundaries, we are setting ourselves up to feel safe and be respected.

If you have been in a dysfunctional relationship, chances are there were not healthy boundaries in place. We tolerated behaviors, communication patterns, and actions that, in hindsight, we wish we had not. We often spent years accepting treatment that was unacceptable. Or perhaps, we endured uncomfortable interactions or simply looked the other way because we were afraid to speak up or make a reasonable demand.

Setting boundaries in relationships breaks the previous patterns that were present. It’s a way of saying no more to the old way of doing things and setting the tone for future productive interactions. When we finally begin to set our boundaries, it may feel strange at first. But remember, it is not selfish, demanding, controlling or punitive to put boundaries in place.

Establishing boundaries in relationships is ultimately a form of self-love and self-respect.

It’s also important to note that post-divorce, even if you remain amicable, the dynamic of the relationship is going to be different now. As a married couple, you shared a life together, as a divorced couple you do not. This takes time to seep in and fully accept. It is not easy to let go of the old patterns of interacting.

What are the new “rules” pertaining to conduct, conversations, and expectations? When clear boundaries are not in place, the door is left open for further hurt, misunderstandings and disappointment. Some of this pain, confusion, and discomfort can be avoided by understanding how to set effective boundaries with your previous partner. Think of it as setting the terms for your new relationship as ex’s.

Here are five C’s of effective boundaries:

1)Boundaries need to be clear.

Don’t set a boundary just for the sake of setting a boundary. Be clear in your own mind why this boundary is necessary and what you hope it will accomplish. If you are not sure where to begin, start by examining your values. What is important to you right now? Peace of mind? Privacy? Independence? Respect? Calm? Safety? What would you like to protect? Your time? Your energy? Your freedom? Your sanity? Next, formulate your boundaries precisely and concisely. A vague boundary leads to confusion. Here are a few examples of different types of boundaries:

 

Physical boundaries protect your personal space.

When you pick up the kids, please wait for them in the driveway, instead of entering my home.

I’m not going to sit next to you at our son’s soccer games.

Let’s greet each other with a simple hello and not a hug.

 

Emotional boundaries protect our well being.

I will not listen to your criticisms and judgements.

My personal life is private.

Triggering conversations about our past are off limits.

 

Situational boundaries protect our routines.

I don’t respond to texts after 9pm.

I’m not going to have conversations with you during my time with the children.

I can’t take your phone calls when I am at work.

 

Intellectual boundaries protect our values, beliefs, and ideas.

My personal finances and spending habits are not open for discussion.

I am going to keep my opinions about the upcoming election to myself.

I’m no longer comfortable sharing my business ideas with you.

 

Time boundaries protect our limits.

I have set aside 15 minutes for us to discuss this week’s schedule.

I need the kids home by 8pm on school nights.

You have one month to remove your personal belongings from the apartment.

 

Communication boundaries protect our privacy and safety.

I have blocked you from all my social media accounts.

We can correspond via email only.

I need your plans in writing.

 

2)Boundaries need to be communicated.

Once you have a clear idea of the boundaries you want and the purpose they serve, you need to effectively communicate them. Your ex-spouse is not a mind reader. They can’t respect your boundaries if they don’t know what they are.

Communicating a boundary can feel awkward, especially if we have never done so before. Be honest, clear and concise. No need to over-explain yourself. You need this boundary for your own well-being and that’s enough of a reason. Here is an effectively communicated boundary: I am no longer going to discuss my personal life with you. I am only going to discuss matters that pertain to the children. Period. No need to explain why you feel uncomfortable. No need to re-hash the past. No need to be apologetic.

3)Boundaries need to have consequences.

Once you have communicated your boundary, prepare yourself for some resistance or backlash. Your ex will not like that new “rules” are suddenly being imposed upon them. They will break your boundaries. For your boundary to be effective, there have to be consequences. If I set a boundary that states, “I refuse to talk about my personal life,” and my ex still asks me questions about my personal life, he has disrespected my boundary. Furthermore, if I then provide any information about my personal life, I too have broken my own boundary.

So, for a boundary to be effective, you have to remain firm and apply a consequence. For example: I told you I will no longer discuss my personal life with you. If you continue asking me these questions, I will hang up the phone. If your ex persists, simply end the conversation. Action, consequence.

4)Boundaries need to be consistent.

Inconsistency creates chaos and confusion for both you and your ex. Staying consistent restores calm, provides order, and establishes the new guidelines of your relationship. To create new patterns of interaction and behavior, our boundaries and the consequences need to be consistently reinforced over time. This means- don’t give in! Eventually, your ex will understand that your boundaries are nonnegotiable.

5)Boundaries need to be celebrated.

Having boundaries does not make you mean, stubborn or insensitive to someone else’s needs. It honors your own needs. Having boundaries helps you regain control of your life and your emotions. Boundaries establish what you will and will not tolerate. Boundaries set standards. Boundaries help you stay loyal to yourself. Boundaries empower you to create relationships that are healthy and respectful. Boundaries help re-affirm and honor your self-worth. And that is something to celebrate!

 

 

Jenine Marie Powell is a Certified Divorce Coach; Certified Divorce Transition and Recovery Coach; Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach; and the founder of SOS Divorce Coaching. A large focus of Powell’s practice is in betrayal and narcissistic abuse. In addition to her comprehensive training as a CDC Certified Divorce Coach, Powell holds a BA in English, a BS in Psychology and a Master’s Degree in Journalism from NYU.

She previously enjoyed a successful decade-long career as the editor in chief of a New York City based parenting publication. In that role, Powell gained a wealth of valuable knowledge and insight pertaining to all aspects of parenting and family-related issues.  Furthermore, the skills she acquired in that profession are actually some of the same skills she implements in her coaching practice. Jenine is a member of the National Association of Divorce Professionals; a divorce support group facilitator on an international platform; and an instructor for the CDC Certified Divorce Coaching Program.