To women going through a divorce or who are already divorced: Stop shaming yourself. Stop apologizing. Stop being mean to yourself! Stop criticizing yourself! I came up with the idea for this article after reading a post on LinkedIn that was written by Tracy Coenen, forensic accountant, founder of the wildly successful Divorce Money Guide, Divorced Girl Smiling trusted professional and friend. Tracy was offering advice to business owners and professionals that included:
“Stop shaming yourself for your personality or other traits.”
“Stop apologizing for things that need no apology.”
“Stop giving discounts that no one asked for. Your price is your price.”
“Stop saying yes to things that don’t fit with your goals or priorities.”
“Stop overworking yourself. You can never get this time back.”
I have been a business owner working 60 hours a week, 7 days a week and on holidays for several years and when I read these things, I realized that I need to stop doing every single one of them!
Then I got to thinking about how much these things apply to women getting divorced. Why are we so hard on ourselves? How did we get this way? Probably because we were in a shitty marriage, got separated and now our self-esteem is in the toilet.
Here are 6 things I want you to stop doing because you deserve so much better!
1. Stop shaming yourself.
Stop shaming yourself for ending up divorced. Fifty percent of the population is divorced so should have of the U.S. feel shameful about it? I don’t think so.Stop shaming yourself with food. You deserve to eat pizza and pasta, and ice-cream and chocolates. Definitely health is important so I’m not telling you to pig out every night and give up salads and vegetables. But instead of feeling guilty and bad about treating yourself to piece of Portillo’s chocolate cake, focus on how good it was! And stop shaming yourself for not working and choosing to stay home with the kids while they were growing up. You should be applauded. That’s not an easy job! The opposite of shame is pride (I think.) Be proud of who you are and the work you are doing on yourself to be even prouder.
2. Stop apologizing.
I believe in apologies and I think that way too many people don’t know how to say I’m sorry. But are you apologizing for things that you shouldn’t be apologizing for? Like your opinion, your political views, maybe not having to work, looking really good at 50, getting divorced, hello? Don’t apologize because you feel guilty about something you shouldn’t. Apologize if you were a jerk to someone and they are owed one. Not apologizing for things that you shouldn’t is a sign of strength and confidence in yourself.
3. Stop making an effort with people if it’s not reciprocated.
I know a woman who doesn’t work, (never has), whose kids are all grown and who I literally have no idea what she does all day, and I am constantly finding myself bending over backwards to accommodate her schedule to get together. Keep in mind I work 7 days a week, pretty much all day. Still, I am always the one who reaches out to make plans, and then I work around her. Why do I do that? Is her time more important than mine? It makes me feel bad about myself and honestly, when we get together, we have a great time and she’s a really good person. But if I didn’t call her to get together, I’m not sure we would. What does that say about me? Am I hard up for friends? No. Then why do I continue doing it? If you stop this behavior, I will too.
4. Stop saying yes to everything.
How many emails do you get a day? I probably get over a hundred, and 99% are from people asking for something. That doesn’t bother me if it’s one of my clients, or a DGS community member asking for advice, but how about all the organizations asking for money and for volunteers? Or ads or promotions, or online clothing companies that reel you in and you end up spending 30 minutes on some site scrolling through dresses?
Then there are the phone calls. When someone calls me just to say “hi” or tell me a funny story, it’s the best. But that doesn’t happen nearly as much as someone calling because they need a favor or want me to get involved in something. I have nothing against those people, by the way, but I have something against those who feel like they have to say yes to everything, overcommit, and then find themselves exhausted without one free minute to themselves.
You don’t have to go to every single book club meeting. The club will survive without you one week. No one’s going to die if you don’t go to your pickleball game this week because your shoulder is sore. You don’t have to pressure yourself to date and meet husband #2. If you feel like sitting on the couch watching Netflix all weekend, do it! It’s OK to say no, and there’s a nice way to say it so you are not offending anyone. And if you are, who cares?
5. Stop overworking yourself.
I am 100% guilty of this. Emails can always wait. Kids who come sit with you to talk can’t. My advice is drop everything the minute your child comes into your office to say hi to you. This summer, my son (22 years old) kept asking me to go to breakfast and I kept saying, “I’m sorry, I have to work.” After the 5th time, I grabbed my planner and said “let’s pick a day to go out for breakfast.” A few days later, I took a couple hours off and we went to a diner and ate. That’s the stuff I will remember when I’m 90, not the 21 emails I missed while at breakfast.
Women have this idea in their heads that we have to work all the time, that we have to be perfect, that everything has to get done this minute. People, you are going to kill yourself with the stress. You HAVE to make time for yourself. This is something I do do. Today, I took an hour to go to yoga. I also took 2 hours to go get my hair cut and colored. I could have gone on a weekend, but why should I have to do that? Isn’t that one of the perks of having your own business? An overworked mom is an unhappy, bitter, crabby, anxious person. The mom who takes time to care for herself is calm, joyful, inspiring, and productive!
6. Stop dwelling on things you “should have” done.
Regret is a normal emotion and we all have regrets. But, one of the most unproductive things a person can do is dwell on what they should have done. Why didn’t I pay closer attention to the finances when I was married? Why didn’t I see that he was cheating? It was so obvious. Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why did I invest in that real estate property? You could probably go on and on and so could I. But what good is that doing? Instead of dwelling, just look at it as a lesson. Listen, I’ve made more stupid mistakes in life than I can count, but instead of dwelling on them, I try to recall all the good decisions I made. I bet there are a lot more good things you did than mistakes!
I want to end this article by telling you what you should START doing:
1. Forgiving yourself. Perhaps for things you did in the marriage or that contributed to your divorce. You are human. You made mistakes. Every single person makes mistakes.
2. Appreciating what and who you have. So you don’t have a husband anymore. But, you have your kids, your parents, possibly, your siblings, your best friends, your dog. Sometimes when people are going through a rough time, like divorce, it’s easy to focus on all of your problems and worries. So, next time you find yourself worrying, shift your thoughts to someone that means the world to you—even if that person is no longer with us. This works in changing your mindset.
3. Working on yourself. This means changing and growing so that you can have a happy post-divorce life. It might mean: therapy, yoga, meditation, healthy eating, repairing relationships with friends and/or getting rid of toxic ones.
4. Having fun. Life is short. Don’t wait and stop saying the word “Someday.” Do it now.
5. Loving yourself. You aren’t perfect. No one is. But, you are lovable!
Like this article? Check out “9 Things I Learned in My Divorce”
Share
A faithful DGS fan, Kate
Thank you again, for such relevant & solid advice – I feel less alone reading it, because I needed to hear it all and maybe – just maybe – I’m not the only one! 🙂
Caroline Byrne
🧡