Life is full of tough decisions. We are constantly making choices that will affect how we live. Some will turn out to be great decisions, and some will be mistakes. And, even some decisions that we realize weren’t right can have positives, as well. That includes divorce. Deciding whether to get divorced is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. It’s painful and seems terrifying and sad at the same time. If you’re at that point, here’s some advice.
Let’s start with your decision to get married. When you decided to get married, you were most likely young, or maybe this is a second marriage for you and you were older. Regardless of age, you felt immense love and excitement for your future partner, so at the time, the decision seemed natural.
When talking to a young person, I always give this advice: Think long and hard before you get engaged, because the person you marry is going to shape THE REST of your entire life. It could determine what you do professionally (in a way), it will shape your family life, it will determine how many children you have or don’t have, and it will have a huge effect on how you end up financially.
I tell young people to look at the person’s family. Look at the dad. In many cases, your husband is going to become his dad. Look at the mom. If she’s a heavy drinker, her daughter might end up that way, too. Not always, but something to think about.
Look at the future, not just right now. AND look at the past. Look at how the person was raised, and look at how their relationships are with their family and their siblings. A good friend of mine once said, “If he’s rude to his mother EVER, dump him now!” That’s good advice!
So, to those of you who are divorced, if you are thinking about getting into a second marriage to someone, you have another chance before you make one of life’s biggest decisions (again!)
Now onto deciding whether to get divorced:
I want to make something clear. Divorced Girl Smiling does not promote divorce. I am 100% in favor of marriage. I absolutely LOVE the institution, and when I see people married and happy, it makes me very happy. The purpose of Divorced Girl Smiling is not to celebrate divorce, but to help men and women have a better life after they’ve been dealt the divorce card.
Deciding whether to get divorced was the hardest, worst, horrifically difficult back and forth decision I have ever made. The thought of it makes me want to throw up, because I remember my ex and I going back and forth desperately trying to work it out before both realizing separating was the best thing.
There are so many factors to consider: 1. Love and loss. 2. Children. 3. Finances 4. The house. 5. Individual happiness. 6. Trust. 7. Loyalty. 8. Health. 9. Work. 10. Freedom. 11. Conflict. 12. Addiction. 13. Independence. 14. Wellness. 15. Likeability. 16. Friendship.
There are a million things that fall into these categories.
I remember my therapist at the time saying that there is no right or wrong time to get divorced. Some people throw in the towel quicker than others, some get back together and break up 15 times before it’s all said and done, and some stay miserable in the marriage because they come to the conclusion that that is their best option. She told me never to judge anyone for any decision they make and she was right.
When I knew our divorce was really going to happen, I can remember sitting in her office and just sobbing. She said to me, “I’m not going to talk. Just sit here with me and cry for a little while.”
And I did. And there was nothing else to do. The decision had been made.
But I will always remember it as the hardest decision I’ve ever had so far in my life. I was scared, confused, angry, sad, edgy, hurt, depressed, but in a small way, excited for a new life that had so many unknowns ahead. And guilty for feeling that way!
A friend of mine said to me when he heard I was getting divorced, “Well, if you stayed, you know what you are going to get. Is the unknown better than the known? If you can answer that question with a yes, you did the right thing.”
Married women sometimes approach me and say, “Boy, you’re so lucky. I want a divorce.” This is what I tell all of them: If you want to get divorced because you think you can find someone better, then don’t do it. If someone told you that you’ll never meet anyone else, and you will be alone forever if you get divorced, and you STILL want to get divorced, then you are doing the right thing. You can’t get divorced to “upgrade.” It doesn’t work. Try to fix what you have.
But if there are deal breakers, and you absolutely know there’s no fixing the problems, and you are sure you cannot partner any longer with the person, then leaving could be for you. But go into it knowing there are no guarantees that you will meet someone else (although dating after divorce at 50 can be wonderful).
I’m not trying to be negative, just realistic. Are you most likely going to find love again? Sure, if you work on yourself, and then put yourself out there and go about it in the right way. But you shouldn’t even be thinking about someone else when making the decision to get divorced.
I want to close with what I think is really good advice: Once you make the decision to really get divorced, (and you mean it this time), don’t second guess yourself. Listen to your gut and have confidence in your decision. Because we can talk ourselves in or out of anything and facing divorce is scary, so you might decide to rationalize staying. Knowing that divorce isn’t an easy journey, stick to the decision of knowing you are doing what’s best for you and your kids, and that once you get through it, life will be so much better and happier.
By the way, here are the two easiest decisions I ever made in life:
1. The decision to have kids.
2. The decision to start Divorced Girl Smiling.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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WW
How interesting, comical and meant to be that a friend posted your site to her Facebook wall today. Especially after reading today’s post- and the verbiage about being alone forever and if you are ok with that, then you are making the right decision. I wrestled with the thought of divorce for YEARS. Living with and marrying a narcissist has/had been like slowly losing myself and my mind over the years. Add children to the mix and I really did lose myself. After the back and forth of “do I do this? Do I leave?”- my sister posed your exact question to me: if you had to face life alone forever, never finding anyone else, could you do it? Would you be ok? Or is the thought too difficult and it’s easier to stay? It was an easy call for me to make, finally, after 13 years. We are in the midst of our divorce negotiations, which are difficult because there truly is no negotiating with someone who blames and shames and verbally attacks, but I feel like in finding your site tonight, I’ve got a little smile in my back pocket for those difficult days still ahead. Thank you!
Jackie Pilossoph
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m glad you found the site. Sounds like you are in a good place. Divorce is really hard, but hang in there! It will get better. That i will guarantee, but only if you make the right decisions. Make SMART decisions. You will do great. Best of luck to you!
30andSeparated
Dear WW,
“there truly is no negotiating with someone who blames and shames and verbally attacks”
My ex is a nightmare… and I ask myself everyday, how I ever married him. We have been married for 2 years 4 months. I have decided to divorce him after over 1 year of deliberations. Its my 2nd month of separation and the divorce documents have not yet been drawn up. I don’t really know what to expect. He sounds just like your ex , and I was wondering if you could give me some tips.
My best regards,
A.
AJK
When I saw the blog title posted my gut reaction was “not everyone has a choice.” And I didn’t. My ex wanted to get divorced because he “married the wrong person,” and was sure there was “someone out there better” for him. Guess how well that has worked out so far. As for me, it was the best decision I never really had to make.
Jackie Pilossoph
I love this comment so much! You are right. Not everyone has a choice. I’m so glad things have worked out for you!!
MBR
I was spared from divorce. For some time I wrestled with the question of marrying the guy whom I thought was ‘the one’. But life all changed after I really met ‘the one’ and I made the biggest decision of my life by breaking my engagement. It wasn’t as hard as a divorce (by no means!), but I am so glad and so thankful I did it because I knew in my gut he wasn’t right for me. Does my husband make me a better person? You betcha, everyday! Is he nice to his mom? OMG YES! Is is dad awesome! Hells to the yeah. So for everyone out there thinking of their relationships, happiness is around the corner!!! Don’t give up!
Jackie Pilossoph
I love this response so much! Thanks!
2monthstogo
2 months until I’m supposed to be marrying my fiancé. Engaged for almost 3 years and together for 8. But all of a sudden about a month ago, I started paying attention to my gut….and I’m having the worst anxiety, not sleeping, worrying about whether is actually right or not. I’m 27. We’ve been through ups and downs. He’s my best friend and I do love him. But lately, I’ve felt bored with him, not really caring about planning the wedding, can’t stand his mother anymore, and concerned about his issues (anger, moodiness, impulsivity, indecisiveness). All things I’ve lived with for our entire relationship.. I find myself thinking about how my life would be if I married someone with qualities like a, b, c, d….basically just comparing my fiancé to some imaginary man. I’m a confident person, head of my department at work, but worried about being alone. And now I’m so worried that I may be making a mistake marrying him. The day is getting so close and I don’t know what to do. If anyone reads this and has been here before, please offer your advice…I’d be incredibly grateful! Thank you. 🙁
justleft
dear 2monthsago,
i’ve been married for nearly 8 years and we have a 6 year old. i just left my husband 4 days ago. Just like you, before we said our vows, something wasn’t feeling right. i have tried everything i know of (anti-depressants, psycologists, date nights, hobbies & exercise together, “trying to keep the fire lit”, etc) to help me be in love with him. He knows where things stand and has for a while. Only you can decide what’s right for you. The only advice i can give is to listen to your gut. if i had listened, we wouldn’t have gotten married and the hurt that is to follow this for me, our son, and him could have been lessened- not to mention he and i both could have found our true life partners by now. My husband is a wonderful man, there has never been any sort of abuse or anything of the sort, and he is a great housekeeper and an amazing father! But if it’s not right, it’s not right. there isn’t anything either of you is doing wrong. Good luck to you!
27andambivalent
2monthstogo, I was going through the comments in this interesting blog post and couldn’t help but notice your comment. I am curious to see how it all turned out, seeing as this was many months ago. I am 27 and married, but have been struggling with similar feelings and ambivalence for over a year now.
DivorcedAndLovingIt
Dear W.W.,
Good luck to you. While divorce is painful and stressful, eventually, all things end. It is worth the price to pay to breathe, and be able to look yourself in the mirror, and to trust yourself again. Every day without my messed-up ex is better.
Rob
Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I really enjoyed reading it. Really liked “Is the unknown better than the known? If you can answer that question with a yes, you did the right thing.”
Marriage is a tough decision for sure and most people don’t think it through. Yet, most of us will research and think twice before buying a house or a new car. Marriage should be thought out very carefully even if you truly love that person. Good for you in recognizing what was best for the two of you and yourself more importantly.
Don’t rush to get married, take time and think about it 🙂
Keep smiling!
Wantobefree
I am so glad I found your blog! I have been wrestling with leaving for over 15 years, and I’m finally putting one foot in front of the other. I officially have my new place set up for next month, with plans of telling him just before I move out. Since I submitted my application to the apartment, I have had butterflies in my stomach wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Your statement about being alone and being ok with that helped me to realize I am doing what’s right for me. I know I am up for a fight, as he intends to be verbally vindictive and abusive, but I have to get past that to find my freedom, and I think I’m ready for that fight now. I have subscribed, so I’m looking forward to more relative support! Thank you!!!!
brokenhearted
I found out my husband has been cheating n my baby was just a couple of days old at the time n it really hurts. His been doing this since 2011 n we got married 2009. His been sending msgs to this girl at his work I think they slept together but she moved on n in our house he send privtae pics of himself to this other girl n calling her, talking about our marraige while I was sick had 2 surgeries n a baby 2 weeks ago. I confronted himab out it n he was jsut rude n then he changed n said he loves me n stuff, but now 5 momths later I wonder if he truly does love me n if he can stay faithfull. I’m thinking of leaving him, please hepl
Robin
Hy
I don’t even know what is best or not. Reading stories of how other people have made it and that was the best solution ever makes me think I deserve better. We have been maried for 2yrs ,together for 3 and half and we have a 8 weeks old son. The easiest decision also for me was to marry him and have a baby (having my baby is the best feeling ever!). I was out of an 8yrs realation and he gave me the world. Took me to places i had only seen in movies, was carrying, loving, sweet and more. He is still today but we just can’t be happy again because of his two other children from prvious mariage which they live with us as he got full
custody( have to mention his ex wife does and pays nothing for the
children).He is a great father to them but not to our son. They get all his attention and time while we are sat home alone all day waiting for him. He never gets time for us or I don’t get any help with the baby because he is to busy with work, school, extractivities, and in general looking after the other two. And is not because of our son is now here, been like this for 2 yrs since exactly we got married. I have so had enough of this situation so is and I cry every day. I go out of the house just to cry. I am hoping for him to open his eyes and just shows us (my son and I ) he loves us too. I think he knows i will always protect our son and be there for him as for his other two they only have him. I know they are children but I can’t stop asking myself ” Is it fair?” . For me, for our son together that only the other two get to have him all and we have to stay in line and wait our turn when he gets a bit of free time?? Ohh I alsl took anti-depressants and sleeping pils, focused on hobbies etc). Our sex life is as low as it can possibly be. Sometimes I wonder how did I even get pregnant. Is hard. Is painfull. Should I leave and hope for the best for me and my son or hang in there in a marriage where all our problems and arguments, time and effort focus only on his other two children?
Strength soon
Well hers I am. 15 years all battered and bruised emotionally and melting it seems. I’m a professional singer/ recording artist, author, and women’s rights activist. I have the motivational skill to charge a lifeless room and set them on an awesome path but I had no ability to win the heart of the man who just finally confessed that he never really wanted to marry me. It’s been so obvious that it seeped through his pores, but the blow of hearing it has left me stunned. I asked for a seperation because living with a passive aggressive person exhausted me until I made poor decisions. His silent hatred felt unbearable but his inability to express his hurt or bitterness gave me an excuse to believe that maybe just maybe he did love me still. After accepting the truth within myself, I finally asked for separation. It clearly is headed for divorce. I wish you had a clone here in NC to Drop by for Starbucks because this tough girl just got incredibly weak. 2 boys, and a lot of fear, I’m going to make it. But now I feel….like How?
mystery
Hi. I’ve been married for 13 yrs. I was 15 when I married it was arranged but I tried to stick to it and fix it I had 4 kids with him he was abusive sometimes but can be sweet after abusing me. So I finally had the guts to leave him now I’ve been separated from him for 6 months I feel happier alive better but the thing is I’ve never worked in my life I don’t know how to support my kids my life is messed up now financially so I started to think to myself did I make the right decision leaving now? Should I have waited few more years for the sake of my kids? I am getting depressed knowing that he don’t want his kids and don’t want to support them made me feel like a fool having 4 with him I thought he loved me but he never did. I have so much regrets now. I am lost I am confused I don’t know what to do..but I am happier without him just regretting wasting 13 yrs of my life with him and having 4 kids with him I wish I had those children with a better dad with someone who really loves them and want them
leigh
This is so difficult. Been with my husband for 27 years since I was 15. 2 adult kids & I have said for years if I had more confidence in myself we would not be together today. He was my first & only until about a year ago, I started talking to an old friend that was just so sweet. My husband has never really been an affectionate man. His suport for our family has never been in question he is an awesome man, but I’ve been feeling as if I have lost myself over the years & want to relive my youth a bit ( had my daughter at 20) but never really enjoyed life even back then it was always about him. Maybe its a midlife crisis but I want to feel that love & see it wen we look at each other &I don’t. People say after so many years it becomes a comfortability thing but y does it hav to be that way. Never thought of cheating ever. Until it happened a few times & there is no regret. Wat does that mean?I will always love him & still think he is handsome and an amazing man & yes wen I think of him with someone else it hurts. We r seperated right now until we figure it out he has noclue I cheated either. Been out of work as well for 3 years. Been rough I’m so confused about wat todo. Never had to support myself he has always been my supporter.any opponions
Confused
I feel what you are saying. I’m gay have been married to my husband for 3+ years, together almost 8. I have a huge commitment to work, as does he, and we have grown apart. But that’s not the reason I’m thinking about divorce. He’s just not the man that I thought he was. When we got married he lied abo his prior marriage being finalized, so on our wedding day it wasn’t real, didn’t actually get married til 3 months later and neither of our families know that. The idea of having children with him makes me cringe. Before I married him, his ex and I talked a bit, and they told me why they divorced. I thought that they were crazy, but now I am seeing everything they said is true (emotionally disconnected, financially useless, self centered, etc.) I want a divorce but even after talking about our issues, he thinks that the week of change that happens after the talk is great when he reverts back to previous habits. I’m just miserable. No friends cause he hates people, he controls the finances and I have no idea where our money goes cause I always feel like we’re broke and we shouldn’t be. I just don’t know how to say “it’s over”
deb
I so much appreciate this, especially this: “If you stayed, you know what you are going to get. Is the unknown better than the known? If you can answer that question with a yes, you did the right thing.” I am ok with the unknown. It is the known — what I have been dealing with — that has kept me down. And as a result, i have been very negative, which is not fair to HIM. And so the circle goes around and around, and it is time to get off.
strugglingdad
Just found your blog, thanks for the good advice. I was one of those who didn’t see the whole picture, young and not fully prepared, although I thought I was, i was in a cloud. Things changed right on the first night, from there after 27 years and 12 of them really wanting out, I would have to say the unknown would be much better than the known. I’ve been miserable for too long. Its difficult alright but it really is the best for both of us.
Satellite for Too Long
I waited my whole life for him. He was the first man I gave my real phone number to in almost a decade. I wasn’t looking for a relationship; happily independent (though not immune to the 3am lonlies.) 13 years later and I can no longer deny that I gave myself to him and can’t find any me. My devotion to him has taught me how deeply I can love, but also how to weep. I mean down on my knees begging God to make these my last tears on him and how can tears be so big and heavy anyway? I’m a middle aged lovely, well liked and respected by everyone but my mate. I’m a baller out in the world, but worthless and weak when I return home. He lost his prostate to cancer three years ago and likes to think this is the source of our sexual woes. Not so; three years before that I tearfully announced that I needed him to want me, that I was dying inside. It took two years before he recognized he was punishing me for his low T and saw a doctor. Behold! No real erection with incontinence that he’s too apathetic to correct.I’ve creatively demonstrated he can finish in a different way, that intimacy is still possible. But I have to make the magic all by myself. I’ve suddenly realized that he has no intention of meeting me halfway in any aspect of our life together, that I’ve always been his tool and am too needy to be of use. More like too exhausted to remain silent. Oprah and Dr. Maya would click their tongues at me and I’d deserve it. If it was my girlfriend living like this I would have already arranged a storage unit, moving van and lots of ice cream. Why can’t I be my own best friend? He can’t be. He’s been left in the dead of night before and I can see how his first wife needed to escape. I don’t really want to end up alone, but I think it’s the only logical conclusion to pouring the best years of my life into a cup that never fills. Why do I feel like I’m blowing my pain and fury out of proportion? How do I find perspective and courage that should be mine as surely as the love and respect I should never have to beg for?
joyce
Hi I’m glad I came through your blog I’m 39 years and was married for 7years .thanks for your advice I just hear myself answering yes to the question that says will I divorce and be alone until I’m old.I was never happy with an irresponsible husband and a heavy drinker who sees nothing wrong in his actions while I struggle to bring three young kids alone I d rather be alone than be unhappy. I’m empowered and will resume my divorce as soon as tomorrow
Laura
My divorce was stressful, painful, and traumatic. Now 2 years later, I am single and happier than I have ever been in my life. My ex got remarried yesterday and I’m just happy for him and his new wife. My ex and I share custody of our teenage daughter and he and I get along better now than when we were together. Divorce gave me the opportunity to live my life for me.
Deb
How were you able to be ok w/ moving on w/o him when he’s been such a big part of your life to get to the point of being happy for each other?
Danielle
Love the post my husband is a great father and a good husband but for years we have been like room mates just caring for the kids. He has made some bad decisions and was not willing to sacrifice for the family (trying to impress the outside world). The day after thanksgiving we had an honest conversation and it was revealed that he thought about divorcing me 10 years ago (I thought it was three years ago after we had our last child). I was hurt but appreciated his honesty since I detached a long time ago……now ready for a new beginning.
Dylan James
I am saying as a man: If there is no such a embarrassing fault, cheating, or affair with other. Or your partner is a not psycho…you are civilized adult people, Solve your problems by talk. If you can not go to the pychologist if you can. But divorce must not be a last option if you have kids.
confused
Hi, i married a man who begged for my love for 4 years, and its been 5 yrs since we are married, i have a 3 yrs old baby girl… since starting i have been tortured by his parents, in the starting stage i mean before having a kid he always used to support me and i compromised many times ,after the baby i had to stay away from my family for further studies , baby was with her father. when i finished my studies i came back to stay with the family by resigning the current job. and now again m facing the same torture with his parents, i requested him to stay in a seperate place from his parents. but now he is like i want my kid and my parents, you go wherever u want but i am not going to stay with u n all … now what should i do….i dont understand anything please give me a suggestion
Jane
Desperately need help!!
My husband wants a divorce after 13 years of marriage while I don’t. I strongly disagree divorce is the solution. We’ve been both miserable for the last 8 years, but we don’t have the communication saying how we feel for each others. For the last 8 years, I’ve been so depressed and my negativity consumed me that leads to losing my self connection. Many times I become suicidal, until last couple of years got worst that I really wanted to end my life but because of son, I keep holding on. My son has autism and I believe I have some sort of emotional and communication difficulties as well, perhaps I’m autistic too. My husband is the one with strong personality, who analyze everything while I feel everything. But because I’ve been so lost with myself and been struggling to cope up my depression, my husband has different view with my situation. He thinks I don’t do my best with the situation and all he can see in me are just excuses, mistakes, being the victims, etc…I become fearful to speak around him because i worries what I might say will be another mistakes or excuses. I lost my confidence and become dependent on him but I always do have struggles with communicating and it got worst when I have this depression. The last couple of years I try to challenge myself so I could get back in my feet, I learn to drive although I’m not finish until which is almost 2 years now, I do studies in special educational need which I finally done last feb and that’s where i feel to start gaining my confidence, but suddenly my husband decided for separations. It was shock and everything process so slowly in my head. I try to pick up myself and research about separations and find that there’s some hope for reconciliation than divorce. However last week, the separation words change into divorce. I thought he understands separation and divorce are the same thing while I understand slightly different, and this gives me another shock. I tried to be strong and make the most of my energy to become tough and stand my grounds to fight and save my marriage but unfortunately it doesn’t end up good. After a week of feeling better between us before the divorce words happend, now we had a heating argument again. I tried to defend but my incapability to communicate just drags me down more, again I end up all the blames, shames, excuses, being the victims…I don’t know what else to do. I still strong want to save our marriage though but he is fix with his decisions while I’m still stubborn with mine to save despites all the shits…I wanted us to focus on the positive rather than our negatives and find a common grounds, but he’s not convince. Please anyone share your thoughts please. By the way, we both have different cultures which another cultural problems. thanks
Sonya
Jane, the best thing you can do is seek counseling with your husband, if he is willing. You can’t force someone to do anything. Your main priority is to protect your child. And if you are unhappy, things have to change. So again, either seek a couples counsellor since you mentioned communication is not a strength of yours. Focus your energy on your family as a whole.
Khi
I am confused out of my mind and desperately need your help. Married for 9 years and together for 11. I am not sure if I want a divorce, but I can say that I am not in love with my husband and not sure if I ever truly was. However; I do love him dearly and don’t want to hurt him. I really wish I was in love with him and have even prayed for God to help me fall in love with him and be sexually/physically attracted to him. But every time I try to be in love with him, it is fake and forced. Sometimes I feel as though I’m staying in this marriage for his happiness not mine. I am a good faker but deep inside I feel like i am suffering. I envy married women that’s in-love with their husband. I say to myself “wow must be nice”. I think I have checked out of the marriage and I feel extremely guilty. I became a mother two week before my 16th birthday, and 4 kids later (who’s all grown now) and at the age of 40, I feel burned out. I feel as though I just want to get away from my kids that’s still depending on me for so much financially, and my husband who doesn’t really take care of me i.e. buy me things, check on me if I’m out late, or support me in the things that important to me. I feel like a foot stool from him and my children. I put up with a lot of things that I disagree with coming from my husband because I feel forever in debt to him for marrying me with four kids (and he has no of his own). So I continue to settle and be unhappy inside. But after all; I DO HAVE A HUSBAND RIGHT? So why don’t I just stop complaining, shut up, and be happy (even if it’s a lie)? After all; there are many women that would wan’t to be married to a man that has excepted her with kids. Again, I feel so bad for not being in- loving with him the way I feel I should as his wife. I am soo torn and unhappy. But wait, it gets worst, but unfortunately I don’t have the time at the moment to finish this crazy love “triangle” I’ve gotten myself into. But hopefully I will hear back from you soon and continue my story?? Hope to hear some advice.
Heidi Sez
Khi, your story is very very similar to mine, just checking in and see where you are now……I have been married for 15 years and wanting to divorce my husband very soon, I am dying inside and no longer want to be married to him.
Deb
Been HS sweethearts and after 25+ years, I am the one pursuing divorce. Why? Cuz I have been talking to him for 10+ years of needing quality time to only be out on the back burner cuz he rather meet up w/ his buddies and play Gameworkshop gaming. The only thing he’s willing to do is go to the movies or dinner and we are adults and I’m tired of the “HS” dating choices. I want to travel, mingle and explore the world together. When we got together he did too. Now nothing including sex. He’s upset that I’m pursuing it but what choice do I have? I’m not even 50 and we have 2 adult children. I’m not ready to watch the next 20-30 yrs of my life drift away on a porch!!
Khairah Love
Hi! I left a comment back in June and was wondering if you could please give me some feedback? I really need some advice and direction as to what to do. Thank you!
Paralegal Divorce
Divorce is not a solution of all the problems as sometimes children may suffer due to this divorce and they got a pain for the whole life so before getting divorced it is necessary to think whether this is a right step and what will be in future. How you manage everything ?
Crazyarc
Jackie, my state is exactly how you described yours was at the therapist. I am struggling really hard deciding whether to divorce or not. Your post was so heartfelt and easy to relate to.You spoke as someone who has been through this and not as a counselor. And that I may end up alone, it doesn’t bother me so much right now. What does, is what this divorce may do to my four year old daughter. It breaks my heart to think she may have to grow up in a broken family. Although I have been majorly let down by my husband, he is an excellent father and we make a great parenting team. I feel like I am being selfish and I hate doing this to my daughter. This is so hard!
Jackie Pilossoph
It is very very hard. I will pray for you that you make the decision that you feel is the best for everyone. xo
Crazyarc
Thank you!
Mem
I feel the exact same way except my son is 3. I’ve had a few moments of absolute certainty, but mostly I’ve been ambivalent and confused. My husband now doesn’t think there’s any hope for our relationship and hearing him say that kills me despite me also fearing that’s true. At some moments the answer to the unknown question was easier than at other moments.
liz
Thank you for your blog. I paid the lawyer’s retainer fee today and had a moment of panic. This quote sums it up perfectly: “I was scared, confused, angry, sad, edgy, hurt, depressed, but in a small way, excited for a new life that had so many unknowns ahead. And guilty for feeling that way!” I have been struggling with all of these – especially the guilt – so it was a relief to read that is not weird or a sign that maybe this is the wrong thing to do. THANK YOU!
Jackie Pilossoph
My pleasure. Best wishes!!
Ready but Scared
I paid the retainer fee today and cried right after. We have two small boys so I am terrified. He is a very bad alcoholic that can’t hold down a job. I love him with all my heart but the past 3 years have been unbearable with multiple stints in rehab and detox. We were fighting allot and his anger spiraled and recently and for the first time it scared me. All I could think about was this is never gonna to get better. So I did it today after 12 years of marriage. I know this is the right decision but I’m still very scared.
Jackie Pilossoph
You are doing the right thing–both for yourself and for your boys. I am praying for you and your husband that he gets the help he needs and sticks with it. Trust me, you did a good, good thing for everyone. Don’t doubt it. Feel good about it. Be strong. xoxo
Robin
Ive enjoyed reading through your comments and it is a nice feeling knowing I am not alone! My husband and I have had a beautiful 5 year marriage, however things went fast for us. kids, houses, business, etc. I often felt overwhelmed and my husband and I got in a few “heated” fights. He has left me on several occasions and his family supports him. After our most recent separation he has decided upon divorce. Although he sticks with this choice he comes around a lot. I hear from him or see him daily. We have a great time together and everything seems so right. He thinks it is because we are not living together. I feel the opposite. The more he leaves the more damage he is doing, at least for me. I am so confused with what the next steps would be! I feel like I’ve tried everything. I really do not want or believe in divorce.
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry! that would be really really hard. Do you have kids? that should be the only reason he is coming around. If you don’t, then that is very selfish and unfair on his part. He wants to be apart, yet you are still acting like a couple?? Not cool at all. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. And then, you have to walk away. It is not healthy for him to be in your life like this if he doesn’t want to work it out.
Haneen
Hi am in this tornado as well.. I asked for the divorce and told both my parents and his parents.. and it got really tensed.. then after a week of the discussion I asked him back.. an we got back together now for 3 months after me asking for the divorce.. but I dnt know why I did that.. I mean I still feel that’s it’s not working.. I have 3 kids I donno if this is the right or smart decision.. how can I be sure about this decision.. how can I do this.. I need help plz..
Thank j
9 years of conflict
I’m in the throes of deciding whether to pursue a divorce. My wife came from a background of abuse and neglect and the resulting psychological damage makes conflict resolution literally impossible. When every stressor is triggering, how can I possibly discuss and work out solutions to conflict? I have given everything I could to get to help her achieve her ambition, but it’s basically resulting in my enabling her to put “school” on top of all else. Just today we had a conflict because I asked for us to simply relax and spend time together! If I felt listened to and respected I could tolerate all the sacrifices I have made, but I’m so angry and hurt I want this to end. And yet I’m still trying. My wonderful 3 year old daughter is so loving and incredible she’s truly heaven sent, but I know our conflict is pushing painfully upon her psyche. It just hurts so much.
Wooter
Jesus jumped up Christ, I wish you could talk to my soon to be Ex-wife.
MN
It is a sad to know that people all around the world have trouble managing relationships, especially with those that they are living with, be it a spouse or partner. But it is a reality and Jackie has hit the nail on the head when she says that getting married and getting divorces are the toughest two decisions in most of our lives. I have been married for 27 years and despite it not working, it took me nearly 4 years to accept that even to myself. I kept making excuses for my spouse and ended up deceiving her and myself. I had a chance to exit the marriage 16 years ago, but chose not to, out of a sense of guilt and a sense of duty to my spouse. In retrospect, that was the 2nd big mistake i made. If i had got out then, I would have been at peace and found happiness too and i am sure her life would have taken a turn for the better ! ! . Instead, I continued living a lie for the next 16 years too. To the outside world, we were the epitome of a perfect marriage, especially since we chose each other against the wishes of our respective families. But inside, we hardly have a common subject to talk about and there is no peace or happiness. Over the past 3 -4 months, things have got to the stage where I finally decided that it was time to exit, as it was evident that my spouse only had bad memories and no good ones, and i was not helping her cause or mine by staying in the marriage. To all of you out there, remember these things
1. Don’t marry for the wrong reasons
2. Find out the 5 main boulders or rocks that you want in a relationship / marriage
3. If they are missing, please get out
4. Many people especially close family and friends, and even counsellors will tell you to stay in it and give it another go
5. It is easy to preach, tough to walk in your shoes
6. Only you know what you have been through, no one else can remotely feel your pain and angst
7. Dont stay in a relationship or marriage because your spouse / partner needs you and you feel guilty or feel that you have to do the right thing by giving them another chance
8. Relationships / Marriage is like a mirror. You can accept a few damages here and there, but once it is dropped, all the technology in the world, can not put it back together.
9. You have one life, don’t waste it and don’t become another ME.
Gem1234
Hi all, I have read all the comments, hoping to find some insight for my problems. Very similar in many ways, I have been married for almost 8 years, have 2 gorgeous girls 4 and 6. I have the idea of giving up our marriage since 3 years ago due to his lack of respect for me and devalued what I did for the household/family(he disagreed with me) over these years. He is a responsible husband and father; we made a great team of parenting yet we knew deep down we knew things aren’t right. I allowed the negativity built in me till I disconnected myself to him. I don’t feel affectionate and interested in him and I am confused is leaving the marriage is the right choice as he truly knows we both are not happy in the marriage as I was always drawn into the past bad experience with him and carry the emotional burden which has completely stopped me from loving him. However the thought of our girls living in a broken family hurt me even more. I don’t know we are ready for the separation as I am not financially independent (been a full time mom since I got pregnant with the first baby).
Stefanie
I’m thinking about getting a divorce.
I’ve been thinking about it for the past 3years.
I got out of a very bad, very abusive relationship a couple of months after graduating from high school. Later on that year, before my 19th birthday I met the guy who is now my husband. I was alone and vulnerable and never wanted a relationship but he kept begging so I eventually gave in and said that we could give it a try even though I knew it was wrong. I liked having someone around, someone who wasn’t abusive, someone who wanted to take care of ME. A couple of months after at the age of 19 we got married. But for past 3years I have feeling trapped, and like I am being suffocated. Most of the time it feels like I can’t breathe, I always feel irritable with and around him, but happy when he is not around. He is not a bad man, but I am not inlove with him, I care about him, yes, but I’m not inlove with him, I sometimes find myself wishing that he would beat me or something just ao I can have a good enough excuse for a divorce. It scares me, yes, and I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel things that I should not be feeling. I honestly don’t know what to do or how…
Roxane
Hi Stephanie,
I feel like we can relate to each others story, experience, relationship.. I have never been in an abusive relationship but I did get involved with my husband too soon after another relationship. At the time, I didn’t know it was wrong, but today when I look back, I know I should have taken time for myself before getting involved. My husband is an amazing person, he loves me more then anyone can love, he supports me, he would do anything for me. Even after knowing about me having affairs, he still wants to work on our marriage and still supports me 100%. That’s why it’s hard to leave and take the decision to get a divorce because we both have amazing people in our lives, but are they what we need? Sooooo sooo hard to decide! I have children in the mix as well, they are not the reason why I stay though, I think we could do this without affecting the kids. We have a house by the water, a boat, so many things, is that holding me back? Maybe a little. I know I can do it by myself financially but not get all that. I know it’s wrong, but I fear regret. I fear that I will get a divorce and when I finally get time to myself and find myself, I will want to be back where I am now, with my family. I have no idea what to do! It is soo hard.
Roxane
I have been struggling in my relationship for 1 year now. I have 2 kids 4 and 3 yrs old. We have been together for 9 years, 6 years married. We moved very quickly. I went from a 3yr relationship to my husband right away and moved in together right away. Now that I look back, we have pretty much always been disconnected from each other until now that he knows that I struggle and think of divorce. I’ve been having an affair for almost 1 yr and I have a hard time letting go of the other person to work on my marriage to make sure I take a responsible decision. My husband knows about the affair and still wants to work on our marriage. He loves me so much, I don’t understand how he is so good to me after everything I have done. But I still think of divorce. And no I don’t want to leave my husband for the other guy either. If I leave, it’s to be free, do my own thing and not owe anything to another guy for a while at least until I can find myself. My husband asked me to give him 6 months, work on our marriage 100%, don’t talk or see the other guy, but I can’t seem to be able too. I am reading a book to help me figure out what I want and I started seeing a therapist. I really do want to make a responsible decision after looking at everything. I fear regret. I fear that if I get a divorce, I will regret it later because I had everything I needed in life to be happy. My husband is not the person supporting me financially. I can very well do it by myself but I fear losing everything we have together. I fear leaving him because he needs me more then I need him. When I look at everything, I’m pretty sure my decision is made that I want to get a divorce but then I have all these fears in my mind preventing me to do so. My husband deserves to be happy, deserves someone who will love him as much as he loves, he is an amazing person but how can I let go an amazing person who loves me so much and is ready to do anything for me????
Stefanie
Yeah, that’s part of the problem…the fact thaat he loves me so much, but the feelling isn’t mutual. I care for him, yes, but I don’t think I love him, not the way that I shoul and iam not inlove with him. It makes it so hard becauae he doesn’t want to let go, he doesn’t understand that keeping me in this marriage is slowly killing me, I feel like I can’t breathe when he is around and when he kisses me or touches me, it all just feels so wrong. He keeps asking for more and more chances to juat keep trying and I don’t know for how much longer I can do this
Meshack
I got married, the first year of our marriage was so enjoyable, the second year my wife start cheating, we`re getting it rough in our second year, challenges after challenges, until it become a talk in the village, I was advised to divorce my wife as early as 3 years after marriage, it was very difficult decision to make, until 18th years I was forced to make a decision, still was very difficult for me to divorce her but I did. I divorce my wife after we stayed in marriage for 18 years