A friend of mine who was dating a guy with kids said to me, “Today is my boyfriend’s daughter’s 16th birthday. I got her a dozen roses and a box of her favorite chocolates.”
I replied, “That’s nice.”
My friend responded, “What does it matter? She’ll still hate me.”
Dating a guy with kids can be really difficult. Here are some factors to consider:
1. The kids might feel like they are being disloyal to their mother if they are kind to the girlfriend.
2. The kids might be jealous that the girlfriend is taking their dad’s time.
3. The kids might have hope that the parents are getting back together and that this is the woman standing in the way of that.
4. The kids might really like the woman, but are just shy and feeling vulnerable about letting someone else into their lives.
5. The kids might just want to be with their dad. Alone. Wouldn’t YOU want to spend as much time with your dad as you could if he wasn’t living in your house anymore?
Here is what I’ve learned over the years. No one’s boyfriend’s kids hate them. IT’S NOT PERSONAL!!!!!!
I have a friend who is in her forties, who told me that her parents got divorced in high school and that she was really mean to her dad’s girlfriend (who is now his wife) for years. She said she ended up apologizing to the woman years later, because she realized it wasn’t the woman she disliked, it was HER feeling resentful that her dad wasn’t with her mom.
Here are a few tips on dating a guy with kids.
1. Remember, they are not your kids.
You can love them like they are your kids, but don’t try to play the role of their mom. They have a mom. And, even if they don’t-even if the mom is deceased or she isn’t in the picture, they don’t want you to take her place. What you are to them is a friend, a mentor, and another adult that they can lean on for support in life. What’s so wrong with that? The relationship can be beautiful.
2. Consider talking to the kids.
Talk this over with your boyfriend first, but you might want to have a talk with the kids. Tell them you realize that they have a mom and you respect that. You aren’t trying to take her place. You are simply there as their friend, as a mentor, and as just another person who they can lean on in life if and when they need help and support. It doesn’t have to be a long talk (we all know kids don’t like those talks) but just saying it gets all of that awkwardness out of the way.
3. Don’t complain constantly to your boyfriend about it.
If your boyfriend is a single dad and recently divorced, he has a lot on his plate (as do you.) Nothing good comes from nagging or constantly complaining that you don’t like the way the kids are treating you. What will change from doing that? Nothing, except it will put toxicity and negativity into the relationship. Just enjoy your boyfriend and take what he has to offer. Or, you can break up with him. It’s your choice.
4. Be kind to the kids no matter what.
Even if you sense some attitude from them, just be kind and polite. Remember that they are kids and you are the adult. Try to have empathy for what they are going through and not take it personally. No one ever regretted being nice, even if it isn’t reciprocated. Taking the high road is always the right decision. I know it can get frustrating, but just be patient.
5. Have confidence in yourself.
Think about all your wonderful qualities and all you have to offer. Remember that once they get to know you and give you a chance, they are going to love you. Don’t let the kids dictate how you feel about yourself. I know it isn’t easy, but try to keep your relationship with your boyfriend autonomous from your relationship with the kids.
6. Be yourself.
Don’t be sugary nice, don’t suck up to the kids, and don’t act in any other way than how you would normally act. In time, they will come around. And by the way, they might now. They might have that wall up and keep their distance. NOTHING you can do except to accept it as is, or break up. Those are your choices.
Dating a guy with kids is very different than dating someone who has never been married or who doesn’t have kids. Understand when your boyfriend wants to spend time with his kids without you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to be with you. Let him have space and enjoy his kids. If you do that, when he IS with you, he will love you and appreciate you so much, and it will be genuine.
Like this article? Check out, “20 Things I Wish I could have told my newly separated self”
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Jamie Beck
I’ve seen it work both ways (other person’s kids have attitude or ‘your’ kids have attitude). Either way is tough. Of course, I did genuinely dislike 2 of my dad’s former girlfriends (but they were terrible women…LOL). The ‘mentor’ suggestion is great advice. I was really lucky my step-father was SO great at playing that role in my life. It is wonderful for a teen to have a ‘neutral’ adult from whom they can get good advice.
Lori McDonald
His kids tell their dad that they don’t like me because “I’m too nice and bubbly”. His oldest daughter like me but she doesn’t like me sleeping over. I’ve been dealing with this for 2 yrs. None of this really bother me. I figured in time things would get better.
But then something happened 2 nights ago. I have a terrible cough. My boyfriend was making me homemade cough syrup and it contained Schnapps. We, my BF and I, decided if I took a swig off the Schnapps every hour or so it would help my cough and it did. So I took a few sips before bed (I absolutely hate the taste of beer, wine and any liquor) before I took my ambien and fell asleep. Well, I did some sleep walking and mumbling walking around the house. Both is kids saw this. Now my boyfriend is saying it traumatized the kids. He also said he hasn’t sit them down to discuss what happened and that it was a fluke and an accident. So, that makes me angry with him. Very angry.
Any suggestions? We went 5 days w/out speaking until I called him today and demanded we talk about this. He didn’t say much because he had to get to class. (Law School) Oh, the night all this happened with me my BF was drinking and getting buzzed. He’d been off booze for months. But that seems to be okay because his kids accept his drinking?????
Just me
Just wanted to say Thank you. I really needed to hear your advice tonight and you’re right. It’s not personal.
Thanks again, much appreciated! 🙂
Mel
Thank you for great advice! I have a hard time not taking it personal sometimes and your article really changed my perspective! Thanks!
lost for words
My bf of about a year and a half has two kids. 13 and 10. Im pregnant and I also have three boys 7 6 4. My bf lives with me in my house, he gets his kids evety Saturday, they arerude to me, rude to my kids, they dont listen and there dad usually sides with them. Worst of all because of this I have a hard time even wanting them here. Im not sure what to do, me and him have a baby who should be here in the next month, itsnot fair to her not to have her dad around because hrr siblings dont like me. Please help
:p
Leave them alone, if they don’t like you now they are probably determined to get away from you. That probably won’t change anytime too.
Mark
It’s not fair to his kids that they only see him on Sundays, why is your kid anymore important that yours needs a full time dad but his kids dont?
A
Some people here don’t know how to read. The author had NOTHING to do with her boyfriend’s kids only being able to see him on Sundays. It is not her fault. It is between her boyfriend and his ex wife. Ad the fact that his kids don’t have their father full time does not excuse their disrespectful behavior in the author’s house.
MaFit
My boyfriend’s kids are 18, 20, 22, and 24. The 3 younger ADULTS live with us. The older adult was finally told to leave because he didn’t go to school, didn’t have a job, didn’t shower, didn’t communicate with us and ran up the Internet bill playing online video games.
I am waiting for the 22 year old to be told to leave. She doesn’t go to school nor does she work.
The 2 younger adults go to school part time. No one but me does the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping. I used to set the table, prepare dinner, sit down to eat. By the time I sat down one of them would be finished and would be leaving before I eventook my first bite. Now I don’t bother setting the table. Sometimes I don even bother cooking. I prepare food for myself and my boyfriend. I tell them that if you can’t say hello to me when you enter the house or say what’s for dinner, then I am not going to prepare your dinner.
Mel
They’re all adults now and need to take on adult roles. I think your decision is a good one, and by taking care of all the house responsibilities it could hinder their taking on natural adult responsibilities.
Congrats! I think it could be helpful to take to your partner and come to an agreement about how to handle this, if you haven’t already.
When my bf’s 19 yr old was staying over, I didn’t do much around the house or help much because he didn’t do much either. I tried talking with my partner about these issues, but it’s a hard issue for him because he’s divorced and wants to be there for his kids (understandable!). Fortunately he has full custody of his 4 kids so doesn’t have to barely ever see them.
I see your post was in 2014…I’ll bet all the kids have moved out already? I hope all is well and they’ve gotten their lives together! :-). Good on you for setting boundaries on your time and energy. I feel this is so important too!
MAD WOMAN
I disagree with the part of it is not your boyfriends fault, don’t whine to him. Yes, I do expect HIM to talk to his kids and tell them they are crossing boundaries and making ME uncomfortable in MY own home! They as you stated are NOT my kids, so that is not MY talk to have, it is HIS responsibility! His kids are 26 and 16…the 26 yr old thinks she is daddies keeper and can run his life, have her mail sent to OUR home instead of her own apartment for what ever reason and but’s into our relationship with what her 16 yr old brother is “uncomfortable with” regarding he and I. THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS!! She is out on her own and needs to stay out of our business. PERIOD!! She is daddies little princess and it shows!! UG!! Then his 16 yr old son is a little Prince, or so he thinks, he thinks he runs the house and our lives also. It’s all HIS call and he doesn’t have to respect me or our home or relationship at all, my now ex boyfriend doesn’t make him! Makes me so angry!! He shows up at dinner time with his friends I DID NOT KNOW WERE COMING..not once or twice…EVERYTIME HE IS THERE!! We got him every other week. His father said nothing to him of how rude and disrespectful that was to me. His father is afraid if he punishes him he won’t come over anymore and will stay with mom full time which means he will have to pay more. SO WHAT WORTH IT TO ME!! This kid is a royal pain in my arse!! I want him to go away!! THEN there is the step daughter from his last marriage (there have been 4 I found out) who is NOT his blood yet he still treats like it and she takes up his time from me along with his “grandson” by her that is NOT his grandson!! NO BLOOD should definitely NOT come before me!!
Brittany
Lady…mad woman. ..
You’re better off not dating anyone with kids. And probably not having kids. Like. Ever. .-.
Came on here to find advice to help with my dad’s gf. It’s a good point of view to see through another’s eyes in the article.
:p
I agree
Sad and Isolated
Thank you for the article. I am in a very difficult situation. I love my fiancee so much and when it is just him and I we have a great understanding. His children are 35, 30 and 19. We moved into his marital home and the house that he raised his children before seperating from his ex.wife 12 years ago. So his youngest was 6-7 when he left the home. Now divorced, we have taken over the house with eldest daughter at 30 still living there and youngest visiting regularly. I got along with them well before we moved in, but after we relocated to the marital home, everything changed. I had 12 months of difficult situations, basically it is not my home, I am not their mother and dad and I receive little respect. I won’t go into details, but I have no voice in the house, but I do all the domestics and work hard with my fiancee to renovate this neglected home. Both girls have not spoken to me for 7 months out of 12, and they will not allow me to talk to them about the situation. My fiancee supported them most of the time, over basic things. Like can you bring your washing down so I can do it. But that would end with them yelling at their father, telling him that I have no right to ask them to do things. My fiancee labelled me a trouble maker many times throughout the last 12 months. Now my heart is broken and yesterday, after asking the youngest to talk to me about why she didn’t speak to me for 3 months, she refused and her siblings supported her stance. I know it sounds crazy, but this silence resulted from me telling her that she couldn’t go out on Friday night, because she had 3 days off school and was on medication and I was worried for her exams and her safety. After 12 months of passive agression and isolation, and blame, yesterday I followed the girls upstairs (they were collecting some clothes) and I let it all out. I was histerical, shaking and crying, and just screaming. I think I had a mental breakdown. His kids refuse to be part of his life now, when I am involved. My fiancee and I are getting married in 6 weeks, they all refuse to come to the wedding and now I fear that our married life will be scared from this experience. If you are reading this could you please give me some advice. I love my fiancee, but I think us getting married might hurt him in the long term.
Onika
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. My boyfriends kids are 11 and 8 and it’s not as bad yet but it has potential…his daughter does not want me around the house and gives him hell when you lets her know that I will be visiting. We have been together for almost 3 years and my bf if afraid to ask me to marry him because he said that his kids are not ready.
It’s so weird because my kids do not act out! I guess it’s because their dad is already remarried.
My bf’s kids specifically his daughter make it impossible for me to be comfortable in the house… she threats him that if I am there she will want to stay with her mom and not visit him… this hurts him a a lot and he afraid to lose them.
I’ve broken up with him more times than I care to count because is inability to Move forward and the cold reception from his daughter make my life with him painful. I pray that it will get better but it seems as though from all accounts it could be worse.
Prays and peace to all of you ladies and gents dealing with this
Frustrated
Just finding out how difficult dating someone with adult children can be. Beyond the “child” phase where, of course, you are primarily responsible for their care into that grey area of “primary relationship”.
I also have children, but I believe they are better if I treat them accordingly. It always seems worse when the child is opposite sex to parent ( ie he has a grown daughter 20 working & paying rent but still living at home). They’ve been close for several years & I believe she came to take over roles of companion, domestic, confidant etc. (Obv. non sexual). Big issue. Jealousy.
He says it’s all in my head, but so many little things. “She just doesn’t like you. “We” do things a certain way. You’re the adult”.
I believe it’s a situation of boundaries, it’s up to him to say where each persons place is ( ie she’s my daughter- we’re doing xyz. She’s my friend & you will be civil & pleasant) when she is here.
Getting tired of playing second fiddle & being frozen out at his home. We are LD so it’s difficult. –
KN
I also agree that the father should talk to his children about it, but you also sound like you won’t even like your own kids so there’s that. You sound like a brat. Sorry.
KN
This comment was for mad women….wrong thread and it won’t let me delete sorry!
Daizy Lost
I am with you. In my situation, I have never had kids. Not by choice, my body didn’t allow for it and I had a medically necessary hysterectomy at 31. These are all in their teens, and have made it very clear that they hate me. I mean the words “hate her” included.Their mother is a drama queen and before she knew anything about me, I was the worst person alive. How the hell are you supposed to be comfortable in your own skin around that? I don’t want to be around negativity. Maybe having a boyfriend with kids isn’t the best choice for a woman who has none of her own. I just wanted to add to your comment, because I do understand where you are coming from.
Mel
Mad women I totally understand, your frustration is with your boyfriend who doesn’t seem to have the balls and absolutely no respect for you. His kids will continue to act this way if he doesn’t say anything. Go find yourself a new man with a loving family that are going to accept and respect you
Trying to be Patient
Excellent advice! My kids are in their first year of college and they’re verycivil to my boyfriend of 1 year. However, his daughter who is much younger (middle-school age) is having a difficult time with her father dating. I am trying to be patient and trusting that God will work things out . Blended families can be very challenging. Because she is troubled, I not allowed to be around him when she’s visiting which can be a week at a time. VERY CHALLENGING!!
Daphne
I understand how you feel. When my bf kids come out I have to disapear. I told him if he sees a future with me, I have to be included in some way. His daughter is 17 and his son is 15. They live a few hours away and come out friday through Sunday. His daughter is ok with me. But the son hates me and has told everyone. They are rude to his family. Dad doesn’t get much respect from the kids. So I can’t expect any.
Maria
I thought I was the only one in this situation. My boyfriend’s kids are 12 and 14, a girl and a boy.
The kids are not in the house Wednesday and Thursday every week and from Wednesday through Sunday every other week.
They don’t want me around when they are in his house. They won’t ay it but their expressions tell everything. It’s a weir situation because their mom tells my boyfriend they like me but their attitude says something else.
On top of that, my boyfriend suffers from anxiety and seeing the kids that way makes him more vulnerable.
Just like other people expressed his daughter is daddies keeper and his son manipulates him in every aspect.
I found out his ex-girlfriend had the same issue with these kids but they were probably worst with them.
This situation in not going to changed anytime soon until they leave the house which is not happening any time soon.
How long a person can tolerate this situation?
susan
it is my nightmare as well..
why do people put themselves through this??
I hate it…he is a widower so it is much worse.
Darla
I totally get it. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and his three children will NEVER accept me. Just last week, his 18 year old daughter was bothered that I kissed him on the cheek while there mother was in the same room. I’ve come to the conclusion I will always be the other woman in the eyes of the kids because they want their mom and dad back together. We’re at a point where I will no longer put myself in the lives of his children. If they want to be a part of mine, they are always welcome but I will no longer push myself into theirs. He thinks I’m punishing him. He needs to realize, his kids are punishing him, not me.
Jackie Pilossoph
It’s so darn hard!!! I get it! But remember that you can’t chance certain things and all you can control is you. So, as you have done, make the decision to not care about them. They will be living their own lives soon and it will just be you and your boyfriend. And lastly, dn’t give him a hard time. Trust me, he doesn’t like his kids not accepting you either. But guys are so passive in that way and they are all so uncomfortable with their ex wives. I just don’t get it! But I bet your guy is a great guy who really loves you.
sheri
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now. He has been divorced for 5 years and has a teenaged son (14). He is a nice kid, but a shy one, I guess other kids would call him nerdy or anti-social.
We do have mutual friends who say they are worried about him because he is so shy. I don’t know what to think because I am new to the situation. He acts nicely towards me but its evident that he’d rather me not be around. Plus, a few months before me. My bf went through a mutual break up with another woman that didn’t get along with his son at all.
So, I admit that I go out of my way to show him that perhaps unlike the other woman, I get it and that I will make every effort. Although its difficult at times because I feel like the odd man out, especially when we go to outings or trips together.
We have gone on two family vacations together (I have no kids) where the son was with us. I tried to engage occasionally, but its obvious he wanted no part of the trip or me. I am being patient, however but its difficult. I think that my boyfriend sees this and does things to reassure the kid that he is the priority. He is a smart kid, and is very polite and I commend my bf and his ex wife for co parenting well. But, that doesn’t stop the tense vibes I get from this child.
But, I know how important it is for a parent to have time with his child because sooner or later they grow up and all the parent has left is memories, my bf is doing his best to fill this kid with great memories and for that, although I feel left out at times I put my adult pride aside and try to understand. But, the kids sees that and like most kids I think manipulates the situation a bit.
At times, my boyfriend and I will be talking and he will butt in. Mainly to discount what I have said. Its never in a disrespectful manner but I get a sense that in his mind its an US against HER situation. But, again, being the adult I just smile and try to make it a discussion. I am super nice to the boy, but hell I am super nice to every kid that I am around.
That’s who I am. I am super nice to my nieces and nephews, friends kids. But, not over the top. I don’t try to win him over and I trying to let him get used to the idea that I am here to stay. At least for now I am.
It has been difficult for me, however as I haven’t dated a man with teenagers ever. Most of the guys I dated in the past had small children. am used to teens and know that the best remedy in that situation is to just leave them alone.
But, I am afraid that this kid thinks I am dumb, of course he thinks all adults are dumb, but especially me because I am his dad’s girlfriend and lets be honest, he is the priority and knows it. But, again, I am the adult and I am just being patient because I have dealt with teens for years and when they reach a certain age, they start to appreciate their parents and understand what companionship means.
But, I do admit at times that I don’t like this kid’s attitude. He is spoiled, and my bf gives him everything he desires. Of course he is the only child and there is some divorce guilt in the picture but I hope that my bf doesn’t indulge him to the point where he is not able to function as an adult.
I am glad for this article because it just reaffirms to me that I need to be the adult and if the kid ever steps out of line, I will correct him. But, despite his teenage angst, moods, and attitudes I will continue to just be polite, and let my boyfriend and his ex do the parenting. No matter how much I have to hold my tongue. Luckily, I have adult nieces and nephews whom I have done the teen angst thing with so I am familiar. But, dating someone and possibly even marrying someone is a different dynamic.
I love my boyfriend and if his son lets me, I can love him to. But, for now just taking it one day at a time.
:p
I think you just need to give him sometime, and if you are angry be angry don’t pretend to be happy. It is clear this kid may have a trust problem or resentments. Pretending to be happy all the time will just make him more suspicious. I know I have been in his situation, and he probably doesn’t think all adults are stupid, he might think you are though, I doubt it though. He is probably a smart kid.
ann
This is very very helpful !
I haven’t found many articles on how to handle the “adult ‘daddies girl'”. My bf has been divorced four years, waiting until the girls were out of college to call it quits so the children would be “o.k.” And they would be perfectly fine if he would be single and let them be the only women in his life. Particularly the oldest who helps with the picking out of silverware, bedding, furniture, etc. for the new apt.
He lets her rule the roost. He and ex-wife just “grew apart” but they are still friendly sending each other mother/father day cards and calling and discussing any issue the girls might be having with jobs or whatever.
Basically it is all very commendable but I find myself, 60 years old and two years into this relationship being a bit jealous of the girls.
The oldest 26 had a meltdown at the birthday party I gave for the dad because she felt sad? that things have changed,. She likes me enough but wants his undivided attention when she is around. Luckily we live in different cities.
The “Daddy” and I are in a committed relationship and it is “hard” on her and lucky for her her dad listens and is there for her 24/7 always responding to a text or call quickly. She is in a relationship and I hope that lasts and can be a more consuming focus.
I am trying to be patient and bite my tongue and not say anything I might regret but that is a challenge in many instances. For me I am more and more grateful my 3 kids are as welcoming and grounded as they are.
They went through divorce at 15,12, 8. There is a lot to be said for taking care of yourself first and not living your life for the children’s’ sake and at the same time providing them with love, respect and understanding all through their lives. Waiting for children to get out of the house does not necessarily give them any better maturity or manners.
One day at a time while taking deep breaths seems to be best advice.
Dana
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 mths now. We have talked about getting engaged for about 2 mths now as well. He moved out of his apartment about a month after we started dating and moved in with his mother. He told me it was to be closer to me and to pay off some bills.(Red flag? Sweet or weird?) He was married twice and has two children a boy and girl, ages 20 and 14 from his first marriage and a daughter age 8 from his second marraige. I have introduced him to my two daughters ages 7 and 5. He and I see each other every weekend. When I have my girls he usually drives up to see us(40mins) and spend time doing things with us. I have met his 14 yr old daughter only. I’m having a hard time understanding his relationship with his 8 yr old daughter and I’m not sure if it should be a red flag. His first wife “went crazy” after having his 2 children. She would go missing for days, got into drugs, and was sleeping around. He ended up caring for his oldest two most of the time until he decided to end the marraige. He tells me when he ended that marriage and had to leave his children it nearly killed him. Then he got married a second time and now has an 8 yr old daughter. His ex from his second marraige is very stable and a great mom. He feels that because he knows his 2ND ex is giving his 8 yr old daughter everything she needs he can now have “his time” and not have to worry about his 8 yr old being taken care of. This means that he never takes her for an overnight visit and has not taken her on a vacation by himself in the 2 yrs he’s been divorced from her mom. I do know he has gone to one of her sporting events so far this school year and he fills in for around 2-5 hrs while his ex has to work late when needed. As a single mom I’m having a hard time digesting this. It drives me nuts that my ex only has my daughters for 24hr every two weeks and has to have his mom or sisters help when my girls are there while he’s remarried with a child from his new marraige. Is this a red flag or am I creating an issue where there really isn’t one?
Smitten
Good God. I hope you re-read this and realized the answer yourself!
Christine
I have been dating my bf for about 7 months…he has 2 boys…ages 4 and 2 from his previous marriage. I love the relationship he has with his boys, and I love the boys as well. But I still have this feeling they are not comfortable around me, and dont want to listen to me at all. I love kids, and we eventually will want to have more children. I feel like other kids would like me by now, so it just hurts my feelings that I feel like they dont like to be around me. do I just need to give it more time?
Jackie Pilossoph
YES!! 7 months is a very short time when it comes to dating someone with kids. Give the kids their space and try to understand how their minds are processing everything. I am sure they like you. Be patient. I would give it at least 2 years!!! What’s the hurry? Just have fun and enjoy what you guys have. If it is really right, everything will fall into place when the time is right.
Soulshine
I’m really considering leaving the man I’m with. It’s been and year and between him and I things are great….. his kids over 18 and 3 in total . They accepted me until the ex wife found out about us…. it’s been a living hell ever since to the point the police phoned her to stop harassing him and I. Now they trash me publicly on the dreaded social media forums and have started trashing my girls too. He has tried talking to his kids yet I feel doesn’t do enough. When the ex wife found out about her ex having a girlfriend I suddenly became the woman he had an affair with and ruined their marriage. It couldn’t be further from the truth… I’ve tried to like his kids and my peaceful world has turned upside down. I see messages that I should just ignore their taunting but now it’s affecting my own family…. I’m ready to bolt. Oh yes… the kids liked me and we all got along great until the ex wife found out he was dating. I’m so confused and upset as I feel I have no other option than to say goodbye to him. The relationship was effortless before the ex wife became involved. I’m also absolutely terrified of her because she is really angry and mean. If I had known then what I know now…. I never would have dated this guy. When we started dating I did ask about the break down and if everything was settled up etc… I didn’t want details… I just didn’t wish to step into a messy situation. He reassured me that the separation was complete and he hadn’t heard from her since her moving out… which is the truth… but once she knew about me… my life changed. Now I’m known as the adultaring whore who broke up the marriage… this is so far from the truth and yes I do sympathize with the ex wife as I know how it hurts when a relationship is over. I just don’t know what to do now… run and save myself or have my bf and I have these discussions everytime one of his kids attack me. Thoughts?
Deidre
I have been dating a guy for nearly three months now. When we met we didn’t know how closely our circles intertwined. It turns out I knew his daughter(15) and my son(13) knew his daughter too. We decided to keep it quiet and only our close friends knew about us. My son did however know because he was around a few times before we started having feelings for each other. I spoke with my son and explained his daughter wasn’t ready to know yet. The BF and I have had several conversations about how to tell his daughter. Normally I would wait but our situation was a little delicate. I have my son 100% of the time so it became difficult to hide I was dating him and he didn’t want to hurt her because She was bitter about the divorce. I suggested speaking with his ex about how to talk to his daughter but he never would or have a casual conversation about dating with his daughter. I was really concerned about her reaction if she found out through the grapevine. Well, she found out from a friend who’s little brother is my sons best friend. She is very angry and bad mouthing me to her mom. She said she will never speak to her father again because he lied to her and she is done with him. Our disruption was not handled properly and I am deeply concerned for their relationship. I believe his ex will help as much as she can to be supportive and guide her through her emotions. They have developed a friendship since the divorce so I tried to reassure him to have faith in her help her understand. I fear it will also effect our relationship and I am scared because my child is already involved in our relationship. I know she feels betrayed because no one wants to hear how she did. Any tips for my BF and/or for me. I will provide the best support system I can without any interference in their relationship but I really feel lost. I feel so bad for her having all these emotions and him having the guilt of thinking he moved on too fast and not speaking about it with her first.
Beth Mulhern
I need all the HELP I can get at this point in the “game”! I’ve been with my BF for a year now, he has twin daughters age 17 and they refuse to let me in. They are rude to their Dad a lot when they are with Mom, but Daddy’s Girls when they want something. I can’t stand it! He lets them walk all over him and never says anything. I try to keep my mouth shut, but it never works. These girls have made it known to his Family that they don’t like me. Funny thing is they have never given me the chance and have no idea who I am. What can I do?? It’s a huge strain on my BF and I to the point of going seperate ways.
Amber
I have a huge issue my boyfriends child likes to act like his girlfriend instead of his child. He has told her time after time that she is his child not his girlfriend. Every time I sit next to him she throws a fit and has to sit next to him. If he kisses me She has to get a kiss. If I’m hugging on him she has too.. Her mother isn’t around anymore due to court orders. I love her very much like my own child but I feel like she dosent want me and her dad to date or love each other. I feel like my boyfriend allows this to happen and just says I’m trying to work on this. She very disrespectful to me. Will tell me to shut up and has hit me before and a lot of other disrespectful things. I’m almost at my braking point. If you have any advice please or direction help me!!!
Mel
Yikes….this is super creepy, and I would get out of that situation asap! That’s me personally…
Emily
I’ve been living with my partner for almost a year. He has a daughter that he has to look after three days a week. The serious problem for us now is that his daughter doesn’t want me to go out with them at all for these three day every day. So they will do their own things together, go to the beach, watch movies & go shopping, etc. it means to me for these three days, I have to be like a single woman doing things on my own. I’m always like the bad person to be in the middle of them.
Emily
My boyfriend would say his daughter has been struggling with his divorce with her mum. He has to be there for her. So I have to stay alone when she is here, they will do anything without me, except having the dinner I cook. She only be nice to me when she wants me to do things for her. I’m so sick of this.
Emily
Who has a partner can only spend 4days a week to be with you but the rest of weeks when he has his daughter, you have to be alone because his daughter doesn’t want you to be with them at all? Everytime My partner’s faighter daughter comes (at least 3 days a week), they will go out the whole time without me.
Lisa
Hmmm… It is that parents responsibility to make sure his/ her kids are respectful. I for one am dating and getting married soon to a wonderful man. Although his kids are disrepectful to Me. I’ve given it over a year to correct this behavior and actually the kids are worse. Their mom isn’t my greatest fan.. She’s very jealous of me and paints a horrible picture of me as well! . In turn these kids will pit me and my fiancé against each other. So sad but at the end of the day if this gets worse were gonna have to see them less and less of them until their older and can see the evil ways of their mom.
hotmail login
Thank you for another essential article.
losing hope
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years we also have a daughter together. He has a 18 year old 16 year old and 9 year old. Their mom isn’t around that much she’s a alcoholic. The 9 year old adores me so much to the point where he cries when he has to go back to the grandma house where the three of them liv. The two oldest said he is too little to know any better but to like me. Mind you I have been nothing but nice to these kids. When they came over I tried to do whatever I could to make them comfortable and feel like this was just as much their home. It’s to the point now me and the 18 year old don’t talk bc her father involved her in one of our arguments so now she hates me when we did use to be really close and the 16 year old son has never even gave me a chance I feel like my boyfriend should stand his ground and stick up for me I am also the mom to their little sister who they could careless if they see and that breaks my heart for my daughter someone please tell me how to go about fixing this
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry you are this unhappy. Step-kids are complicated. My advice to you is to keep being you–keep being kind and thoughtful and positive, but stop trying to get them to like you. It is a no-win battle. Just be cordial to them and don’t make waves. Act like it doesn’t even bother you. In fact, don’t act. Just don’t let them bother you. STOP CARING! Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend and your daughter. YOu know they lvoe you. Relationships are always conditional in some regard, and this might be something you just have to weather. Trust me, stop caring and you will be so much happier. But, keep being kind. Hope that helps.
Bad Mistake
Put yourself first. Go out and educate yourself. There are a million scenarios for your life and don’t even pretend that providing financial and emotional support to some one else’s terrible hand in life was anywhere near the top ten dreams.
There are so many ‘what if’ articles full of biblical advice for do this and don’t do that. No amount of advice will ever put your mind at ease to help you be a good ‘bonus mom’ which is exactly what you’ll be. Supplemental income for a guy who is paying his wife alimony or support or both. Constant contact with his ex and family members who can’t seem to let go. Objects and possessions with her name written all over them and heaps of wedding photos that are still out in the open. Each and every time you have an issue with the way he communicates with his friends, hides his relationship (because of guilt, embarrassment, shame etc.), doesn’t tell his kids that he even has a girlfriend (you are ‘dad’s friend), or any other diabolical and degrading situation remember: you’re worth more than that.
I understand that people have pasts but how can one expect to have a future when the past is still sitting firmly in the living room like a rare momument or treaty that has since been broken and you are the stand in, third wheel, tag-a-long and 100% of the task force clean up crew. At first it’s romantic, kids are exciting and fun to be around and teach but after a while you long for your own children and when that man turns to you and says, ‘no thanks’ you quickly realize that your role in life is diminished by someone else making plans for you. Walking out of the room doesn’t mean you’ve made a point and saying, ‘forget about it’ in response to things that bother you is tiresome.
If you choose to spend your life with kids that aren’t yours and a past you can hardly stomach and a guilt that isn’t yours and hasn’t been professionally resolved remember that if you are not making plans for your future- guess what? NO ONE else is either.
Mel
Great point! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I’m going to screenshot your reply and we did and stink on it as it relates to the situation that I am currently stuck in.
My partner’s 12 yr old son, who has an anger disorder, wrote “Die Melissa Die’ on the shopping list yesterday. (That’s my name)
I’ve gone through so much with his 4 kids, trying to be there for them and do the right thing. And to have his son write that for no reason we’re aware of is just too much for me.
my partner always says he deals with everything with the kids, and I feel there is no space for me to have my voice and share how I feel. So last night when I tried to address with him how I felt, he cut me off and said he was dealing with it. I’m at the point where I can’t feel or act like an adult in this situation, and I’m starting to act out myself. I’m humiliated and embarrassed, and have actually gone through bouts of suicidal thoughts because of feeling stuck in the situation.
Although I love his kids and him, I don’t have kids myself and stepped into this situation so unprepared. so much has happened that really isn’t cool, and it’s just is too much to handle. I honestly don’t see myself having kids with this person, we’ve been dating for 3 years and he won’t honestly discuss with me if he’s open to having kids or getting married.
I feel embarrassed that I threw a huge fit last night because he couldn’t hear me and my feelings about this, I tried to talk with him quickly on the porch, and my goal was for the three of us to talk. He didn’t listen and couldn’t hear me, and I just don’t like the person that I’m turning into because of being in this toxic situation.
he says that I need to act like an adult in this situation, and it’s normal for kids to act out like this. But for a kid to write on a people piece of paper that I should die? We saw him do it on the Arlo camera, and he also flipped off the camera for some weird reason.
Anyway, the whole situation just feels hopeless and I’m scared because I’m afraid that this is what parenting is like. Just feeling lost and upset. No judgements please.
Maggie
This is all great advice however it’s a lot more difficult in my case. My boyfriend split from his ex 6yrs ago he has 3 daughters who he has every single weekend without fail. They all met me once and the eldest daughter wouldn’t even look at me. The other 2 were fine. Since then she just refuses to have me there and because my boyfriend doesn’t want to upset her he keeps me away. Every now and again she doesn’t go to her dad’s for different reasons so as soon as she doesn’t he wants me there around the other 2 who now absolutely love me. However he still keeps me away when she’s the there. I would love to follow the advise you give but I can’t get that chance because I can’t get anywhere near her to even be nice. If I pull my boyfriend up he says it’s his daughter and he’s sorting it as best he can and we end up falling out. But to me he’s giving her exactly what she wants and I’ve found its now got worse and worse. Enough were this weekend she was meant to be staying in her cousins round the corner so he asked me to go down and watch a film with him and the other 2. I drove all the way there which is half an hour away for him to txt me saying she had decided to come back so I couldn’t come in. So I had to drive all the way home. He was upset too don’t get me wrong, and he said he tried talking to her but she was really stubborn and said if she comes in (meaning me) then she will go and sit in the bedroom out the way. I don’t know what else I can do which of course he didn’t want. I can’t even give her the chance to like me. I don’t know what to do and feel like my boyfriend is giving her all the control. She says she’s doesn’t want me there so I’m not. Simple! She’s 12 years of age xx
Maggie
How can I possibly have a future with this man? X
Daphne
I feel you Maggie! I’ve been dating a great guy for 9 months. His kids are 17 & 15. They liked me til they found out we were dating. The 17 year old is more reasonable. The 15 year old locks himself in his room. But even if I’m not there. He gets them so rare I try to be understanding of his time with them.
I had a heart to heart talk with my bf. I told him if he sees a future with me then i need to be included in some way.
We have deicded to not force his son to participate. But my bf is going to let him know my gf is coming over for dinner and a movie or play a game. We would like you to join us. If not that’s okay too. Why don’t you pick out the game for us to play.
I am kind of nervous though cuz I am uncertain if bf will follow through.
Right now all we can do is pray and ask God to do what only He can do. Part the red sea and change the hearts of the kids. All i can do is be 1 Corinthians 13 to my bf and his kids.
DD
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. He has 2 children at home and I have 1. All the kids get along and I use to get along with them as well. Their attitudes towards me and my child started to change when their mom started to receive child support. We want to get married but his kids and their attitudes towards me and my child are putting a sour taste in his mouth about getting married. What can I do????!!!!!!! I love him and we want to continue our lives together and he is so good to me and my daughter.
Jackie Pilossoph
Be patient and don’t push him. Let him get there. Don’t even talk about it. Just enjoy your boyfriend and what you have. Enjoy each day. As far as his kids, just be polite and kind and try to stay out of their way and let them get over whatever it is that is bothering them. You can still “continue” your lives together without being married. Don’t rush it. Just enjoy! It’s hard to find what you have!
GG
Very helpful advice!!
I have been trying for so long to have a blended family -although I have no desire to marry I do desire to be with my boyfriend til death do us part. I have a teenager just about to graduate HS and we have a 20 month old son with a daughter on the way. He is great to my kid and our kids but his relationship with his other kids 14 yo boy and 10 yo girl are not the strongest and when they come over to visit everyone feels like it is a punishment. I try to engage and care for them because their father doesn’t engage much but it always backfires. his ex-wife has a new boyfriend and we hope this one works out for her but unfortunately I believe their kids are manipulating the situation a lot of the times and she ignores that I am in their lives when they come over and I honestly believe they feed off that. I guess the attitude I should have is be nice and not bother them but it also makes me feel like I am ignoring them. I will take your advice and just have hope they will change when they become older like after teenage years – def not looking forward to that.
Lori
I’ve been dating someone for 3 years. He lives with me and his kids, 11,9, and 7 live with us 50% of the time. His two boys are great, with the exception of, in their words, “not liking that there are rules when they are with us,” we get along good. His daughter, 9, on the other hand, is bypolar and has a problem telling the truth. When ever she wants something from me, to get nails done, shopping, her hair done, and so on she’s sweet. But whenever she is with her mom and we see her (like at sports) she will give dirty looks, and be rude. She manipulates situations for her dad and mom to have to interact, and recently she went in my room when I was not home and graffitied with permanite marker and nail poslish hate notes and that I’m going to die and so on. What Should I do? My boyfriend will tell her it’s not nice, and talk to her, but obviously his talks aren’t working m.
Jackie Pilossoph
oh no…I’m so sorry. This little girl needs help. Try not to take it personally. She doesn’t hate you, she wants her parents to get back together. Get her a therapist. She is very confused and angry and hurt by the divorce. It has nothing to do with you personally.
Mel
I’m so sorry! My boyfriend’s 12 yr old has an anger disorder and a couple days ago wrote on the shopping list for me to die. 😳
Honestly it’s giving me a lot of pause, after all the crazy stuff I’ve been through with him already, on if I really want to stay. He said he’s getting him into counseling, but I think the kid is bipolar. I don’t know if I want to be around for a bipolar teenager, on top of all the difficulties my partner and I are having. I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and exhausted. And sad about the whole situation. 😭
I hear you, and wish you the very best and in making the best decision for yourself. You come first before anybody else ❤️❤️❤️
Jeany Romeo
Hello, I read allot of the post on this page which some seem to be similar to mine. But, slightly different here’s my scenario: I have a boyfriend who I have now been with for 1 year. He has a 12 year old son and I have a 9 year old daughter. He actually has a great relationship with my daughter. Due to the fact that my daughter is outgoing, friendly and approachable. Therefore, they can hang out laugh, play and enjoy each other. On the other hand his son is very shy and to himself. When he sleeps over he stays in my guest room play video games and barely comes out. I cook his favorite dishes so that he knows I am doing something he likes for him. When my boyfriend leaves for work I invite him out to eat with my daughter and I and he doesn’t want to go. I invite him out for ice cream and he turns me down. This kids barely interacts with my daughter. I have a pool and half the time he rather stay inside than enjoy the pool with my daughter and his dad. I have kind of learned to ignore it and go about my day. However It’s bother my boyfriend he’s telling me he’s unhappy because we are not treating our kids the same. I told him, it’s difficult with your son when he’s so shy and to himself. My daughter is different and he sees her everyday. I only see his son twice a month and with him being so shy we have build no bond/relationship. My boyfriend is an amazing man and I don’t want him to be unhappy. But, I need some advice on how to bond with his really shy son!
I
Teresa Schaefer
I’m going through a ruff situation also. My boyfriend has 2 kids 14(girl)and 17(boy). We just celebrated our 1 year together and the following week i was hit with a bomb shell that his daughter didn’t want to come to his house anymore if i or my boys were there. My boys are 11 and 13. She also threatened if I moved in she was going to pack up and never come back. There are no plans to move into this house because it’s not big enough 4 everyone. So because my bf was scared to lose his daughter we are basically taking a break until things can be fixed. I’m hurt and at a lose 4 words, because there never seemed to be any issues with the daughter b4 this. It sucks because I love this man so much and I feel i lost him due to his daughters jealousy.
Kelsey
I do hate my dads girlfriend and it is personal. I will never forgive her or accept it. I watched as she sent messages to my dad when he was married. I heard the conversations. I witnessed as she, her mom, and her friends attacked my mother as well as us kids on Facebook. She even went so far to say she didn’t have a relationship with her boyfriends kids and didn’t want one. Then when she was called on it, she lied and said she didn’t mean it she was mad. You don’t say something like that unless you mean it. My dad believes her. This is the same man who said he wanted to terminate his parental rights to my face. He has called me a cunt and a bitch to my face. They deserve each other. I am almost 18 and as soon as I am, I will never have anything to do with them ever again. They are pointless and selfish people.
Mel
Can’t choose your parents..or your parents’ significant others…it bites. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be very difficult and my heart goes out to you ❤️❤️❤️
Please take care of yourself, and I wish you the very best with setting healthy boundaries for yourself and removing as much toxic stuff from your life as you possibly can
vecky
I am glad I found this web site. I have been with my bf for 6 month, he is smart and wonderful to me, and our relationship goes well. My bf has been divorced for over 1 year, and his ex wife moved out to a city, 3 hours away by car from his place. my bf has a 12 year daughter, and he has full time custody. my bf cooks and takes care of her 24/7. I am recently divorced, my son (25) and daughter (24) finished college, got great job, and moved out. I am professional woman & living alone with my dogs. my life is carefree, and comfortable. My bf took me to his family for Christmas party, introduced me to his entire family. it was very nice to see them and welcomed. Now, my bf started to talk about moving in together, but I am a little concerned. My bf’s daughter is not opening up to me, and ignores me even when we go to restaurants. she hugs me when we say good bye though. Right now, most of time, my bf comes to me Saturday, but cannot stay over night without arranging baby sitter. I visit him sometimes, and stayed over night only once, but did not find any issues. I am not sure what to do.
Julie
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years now,me and his two children (Boy14Girl12) seem to have gotten along well me and his daughter get along really well and just recently the boy who’s 14 has been Just making rude little uncalled for comments I try not let it bother me.But recently it’s been getting to me I’m not Trynna be his mother nor step on anybody’s toes I just don’t feel comfortable with some of the smart remarks.I don’t wanna seem like a whiney girlfriend cause I’m not I just wanna get it straightened out if it’s to much for his son I’ll back off we (Him his two kids and I) hang out 3 or 4 times outta the month he gets them every weekend and sometimes during the week.Whatever time he has with his kids I don’t try to interfere in that I let them have their time.Any tips?
Marnie
After my husband died, I met a widower at Grief Counselling. HIs 40 year old son just broke us up for the 4th time and the last. We had been together 1 1/2 years. We decided to not live together or marry, just date forever ? All of a sudden he doesn’t want a commitment or to see me again. I am broken-hearted !! He wants to be phone friends only so I gave him the heave-ho.
Lindsay
You should talk to you boyfriend about it. By keeping it “to yourself” because he has enough to deal with m, is putting it all in you. Your feelings are valid and just as important as the children’s feelings. He can also set boundaries with the children. He can also take opportunities to talk to the children about the situation. For example, if the child says he is my daddy not yours. That is an opp to talk with the child about how the new GF is not replacing her or her mom.
Jessica
Am I the only person on here who thinks you all need to he more c ot ncerbed with what this treatment means about your dysfunctional partnership than hurting Juniors feeling or how hard it is for poor Daddy? No, he needs to man up and make it very clear to his children that it unacceptable to treat ANYONE with such disrespect. Period. No talk you have with the kid is gonna make any difference if his balls wont descend and give him the testosterone to back you up.
Cindy
I can tell you’ve never lived YEARS with the kids hating you and them and the ex-wife emotionally manipulating the father and at times physically hurting him – the entire time telling him he abandoned them and refusing to never see him again if he doesn’t do everything they request. So you sit there and live in hell hoping one day it will get better. You leave you’re hurt you stay you’re hurt – you cant win. So some fluffy advice to keep a smile and a positive attitude isn’t enough.