Ask anyone who is divorced and he or she will tell you that the pain it causes can sometimes feel unbearable. Then add in the holidays—especially that first Christmas or Hanukkah and New Years after a separation. It’s very very hard. Trying to celebrate the holidays during divorce is stressful, sad, confusing and sometimes bittersweet. It is during this time that the pain of divorce is intensified, both for the couple and the kids.
The holidays during divorce can feel so depressing, both for the newly separated, and even for those who have been divorced for awhile. It starts with receiving holiday cards with other people’s family photos, or how about going to holiday parties without a spouse? Or having to face broken traditions-like getting the Christmas tree or going to look at holiday decorations in the city.
This woman expressed pain she was experiencing while putting up Christmas decorations with her kids:
Putting out Christmas decorations was horrible I tried to get kids to help, but they just want to get rid of things that remind them of their dad, which is everything. This just makes me sad and angry because I’m trying so hard to do everything, be everything for them and they can’t see that those are my memories too, and they want to get rid of them. Did not expect the holidays during divorce to be this hard. Not having family nearby is especially tough.
I feel for this woman and for her kids. She sounds like a great mom, trying to keep things “normal” and festive for her children. But, they are in so much pain that they can’t focus on Christmas, only the fact that their parents are getting divorced.
What I would tell this woman to do is to sit and talk with her children, honestly and openly. I don’t know their ages, but no matter how young they are she needs to be upfront and explain that she is hurting also and that the holiday season won’t be the same this year or ever again. But, that it doesn’t mean the holidays can’t still be wonderful.
Then she should talk to them about what Christmas and the New Year really mean. It could mean gratitude for life and family, or the beauty of giving, or the chance for a new beginning (For New Years.) Whatever the holiday means to them, she should bring that out and help them to realize what they still have: health, family, and most importantly, love.
I realize that it is very hard for kids to appreciate the basics, and most tend to focus on the immediate problem at hand—in this case, the divorce. That’s why their mom might benefit from putting things in perspective.
It isn’t easy. Trust me. But in the end, I think it’s very important to do one thing in life, both during the holidays and all year long: BE HAPPY.
Just be happy. Do things to make you happy. Spend time with people who make you happy. Go after things you know will make you happy. Keep it basic. If you are happy, keep doing it. If you feel toxicity anywhere around you, get rid of it. That includes people, activities and engaging in behavior that might make you feel not so great about yourself.
To all those who are newly separated or divorced: Big hugs and kisses and all the best for a wonderful holiday season. I promise you will get through this holiday–and will actually enjoy it. And, I bet next year will be easier.
Try to be in the moment as much as you can, because the pain you are feeling is real, but beneath it–if you look deep inside your heart, are three things: faith, love, and hope. And aren’t those the very things that define the holidays?
Like this article? Check out, “Holiday and Christmas Card Etiquette After Divorce.”
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