Like any fifty-something woman, any kind of change or doing something I’ve never done before induces anxiety and fear. In other words, change and fear go hand-in-hand for so many people. It’s uncomfortable to do something different. So, when my high school girlfriends and I decided to go to Naples for a long weekend, I felt like I could drive over to see my mom, who lives on the other side of Florida and kill two birds with one stone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
After I committed, if I told people my plans, they would tell me how creepy it was to drive on Alligator Ally. How there were no bathroom stops, no gas stations, how if you broke down there was no way to get help. Now I was freaked out. That said, I really wanted to see my mom so I was going.
The morning of the drive, my girlfriend drove me to the car rental place. I had reserved an SUV because I felt safer in one of those, but when I got there, the guy behind the counter told me they didn’t have any SUVs, so I could wait for one to come in, or I could take what they had. So I took what they had. But when I went outside and got to the actual car, it was (no offense) a piece of crap. It had dents all over it, and felt old and beat up. Not the car I wanted to drive on Alligator Ally.
I went back into the rental car place and told the guy this was not happening, and could he please find me another car. I wasn’t mean about it and I didn’t act entitled. I simply told him I had some anxiety about the drive, and would feel so much better in a larger, newer car.
“I’ve got just the car for you,” he said. He then proceeds to give me the keys.
“This isn’t an SUV, right?” I asked, since he had told me there were none there.
“Yes, actually, it’s a massive upgrade.”
So, suddenly there was an SUV, Liar. But I quickly forgave the liar when I saw the brand new black Cadillac SUV with leather seats and all the bells and whistles. I happily got in the car and had a great drive. By the way, Alligator Ally is not scary at all. It’s a two-lane highway with no views or rest stops, no big deal.
Here is the point of this whole story. I could have just settled and taken the shit car because I didn’t want to appear to be a bitch, or because I felt like “this is good enough, I’ll be fine” (which I would have been.) But I decided that I deserved to feel safe and comfortable for the three plus hour drive. I loved myself enough to get myself a better car.
That is what I want you to do: Love yourself to get yourself the better car. The better EVERYTHING.
If you go to a restaurant and you are ordering and you really want the steak, but you feel like it’s too expensive or you feel guilty for eating meat, think about the Cadillac I drove to West Palm Beach! Get the steak! If you see a sundress that you want and you feel like it’s too expensive, ask yourself, “Am I worth it?” You better answer yes! Also, side note: you can go online and find anything and buy it for cheaper. (I wanted to buy a dress at Bloomingdales that was $425 but didn’t want to spend that much, so I looked online and found it for $31 on Amazon-brand new tags on!). What I’m saying is, don’t not buy it because you feel guilty. Love yourself enough to buy it.
Most importantly, love yourself enough to surround yourself with people who treat you well, who make you feel great, who enrich your life, and who give your life meaning. Don’t hang around clunky beat-up cars, hang around the Cadillacs! Why? Because you deserve it.
I think a lot of times when women get divorced, they forget about the importance of loving themselves. It’s like their standards go way down because: maybe they feel like a failure, or they feel guilty for getting divorced. Whatever the reason, during and after divorce is the time for you to love yourself the most. Think of it this way: if your very best friend was getting divorced, how would you treat her? You might take her out for lunch, you might buy her a gift. When I got divorced, I got all kinds of gifts, including a lipstick holder, which I then asked my friend “Is this a hint that I need to wear lipstick now to find a new man?” You would sit and talk with her and cry with her and tell her everything is going to be OK. The point is, you would treat her with love, love and more love. Treat yourself that way. Please!
Change and Fear
The other point of my story is, I got out of my comfort zone and drove from Naples to West Palm Beach, a drive I was scared to make. But now that I made it, I will for sure be doing it again. It wasn’t scary at all. The unknown is scary to people, especially more and more as we age. I bet if you ask people getting divorce what the hardest part about it is, they would say it’s all the changes you have to go through. Everything is changing and it’s scary and uncomfortable. You don’t have a choice, like I did for my road trip. You are forced out of your comfort zone in countless ways.
So, you can either live in fear, or you can embrace the changes, take a leap of faith and do what you need to do. You can say, “I love myself enough to have faith in myself and in God that this is going to work out.” It’s like when you were a kid and you were afraid to jump off the high dive at the pool. You probably stood there for a few minutes. Maybe you even climbed back down like I did a couple times. But eventually, you jumped. How did you feel when you hit the water? You loved yourself even more for facing your fear, right? Divorce is no different. You can go back into that rental car place and speak your mind and get the Cadillac, or you can get the clunker. The choice is yours.
Like this article? Check out “Stop Shaming Yourself and Stop Apologizing”
