When a Child is Taking Sides in the Divorce

When parents are getting divorced, the children or even just one child may start taking sides with one or the other, even if you’ve tried to keep them out of it. So, what do you do when a child is taking sides in a divorce, and even worse, when your ex is doing nothing to heal the breach–and maybe even encouraging it?

It’s a tough situation. Children should not be drawn into the adult issues of divorce or be encouraged to take sides. Mental health experts say that children in such situations can suffer long-lasting psychological damage, including increased anxiety and depression and poorer academic performance. The less conflict the kids experience during and after the divorce, the more likely they are to move happily forward with their lives and develop healthy, loving relationships.

Your ex should support you in ensuring that the kids maintain a positive relationship with both parents and avoid deepening any division. But if your ex is angry and hostile and refuses to address the issue or insists that there’s no problem, you’ll have to take matters into your own hands as best you can.

Tips for when a child is taking sides in the divorce

Control Your Emotions

The most important thing you can do to heal the rift in your family is to stay in control of your emotions. Even if a child is pushing your buttons, accusing you of ruining the marriage, don’t react defensively and start firing off all the ways your spouse contributed to the end of the marriage.

Kids should not be put in the middle of the divorce or made to carry their parent’s emotional weight. Ultimately, they’ll remember which parent made them feel this burden the most. If your ex is pressuring them to take sides, they’ll eventually begin to resent it, especially if your home offers peace and no pressure.

Listen to Your Children

Children of divorce need a safe emotional space to vent their feelings and opinions. Take the time to listen to each child’s viewpoint with empathy, your full attention, and without judging, criticizing, or even offering solutions. Children want to be heard and understood, so take care to use language that validates their feelings.

For example, you might say: “I can understand why you feel that way…” or “That must be very difficult….” You can also offer non-verbal reassurance–hugs or a squeeze of the hand–to show that you care and understand. Above all else, compartmentalize your feelings, even if what you’re hearing is painful.

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Don’t Be Too Quick to Blame Your Ex for the Kids’ Issues

Remember that children may naturally align with one parent or the other without any encouragement from the other parent, so don’t assume that your ex is necessarily pushing a particular agenda. Sometimes kids might align with a parent whom they believe was wronged by the other parent, such as in cases of infidelity.

In addition, keep in mind that sibling rivalry often increases after divorce because each child feels that they have to compete for more of their parents’ attention. Your children might be taking sides because they’re seeking attention from “their” parent. If you believe sibling rivalry could be at the root of the difficulties–or even if you don’t–try to carve out equal amounts of quality time for each of your kids and reassure them of your love for them.

But even if your ex is responsible for the behavior, avoid blaming the ex in front of the kids. Placing blame can backfire badly. Trust that eventually your kids will wise up to their parent’s unhealthy antics. That said, if you believe your co-parent is trying to alienate the children from you, speak to your lawyer immediately.

Help Siblings to Work Through Conflict

If your children’s disagreements about the divorce are serious, you’ll need to help them work through their conflict. Help them to express their feelings without resorting to insults and to empathize with the feelings of their siblings, even if they don’t agree.

Be Patient

It’s going to take some time for your children to settle into their new life. Don’t be surprised if things are rocky for a while as they figure out their feelings. Just hang in there and continue to be the most supportive, loving parent that you can be.

Katherine E. Miller is a Divorce Attorney, who is also a certified mediator and a trained collaborative divorce professional. In practice for over 30 years and personally divorced, Miller is the founder of the Miller Law Group, all women’s boutique law firm with seven divorce professionals. Miller is also the Director at the Center for Understanding in Conflict, the organization that teaches mediation, collaborative law and other conflict resolution skills, and she hosts the podcast and radio show, “Divorce Dialogues.” Additionally, Miller is the former president of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals. She is a graduate of Vassar College and Fordham University school of Law. Learn more: Miller-law.com.