What happens when the court awards you custody, but your child wants to live with your ex? As a divorce attorney, I have seen this happen. When a teenager wants to live with the non-custodial parent, it can feel hurtful, sad, disappointing and stressful.
When Can a Child Choose Where They Want to Live?
There is a common misconception that a child of a certain age —especially a teenager—can choose which parent to live with. Legally the case until they turn 18. However, in most states, judges do give significant weight to the preferences of children around 14 or older, especially if the child is mature and can articulate a clear, reasoned preference. This is particularly true if the child’s reasoning aligns with their best interests and not simply a desire for fewer rules or more freedom.
As children grow more mature and develop strong opinions about where they want to be, custody issues can take longer to sort out than those with younger children.
Working through difficult feelings about custody arrangements can be handled in an adversarial way—often to the detriment of all involved—but mediation is a very effective alternative to sorting out priorities and practical considerations.
A Child’s Best Interests Matter Most
The overriding consideration regarding custody in New York and most other states is what is in a child’s best interests, but a judge will also account for the circumstances of the parents and the unique facts of the case.
The Court Process is Difficult and Can be Costly
If it goes to the court—the least desirable way to sort things out—the judge will want to speak in chambers with the child or children, a court reporter, and sometimes the parents’ respective lawyers. Neither parent will be allowed to be present.
In the event a child’s wishes are invoked in a trial (rarely will a child appear in court, and then only in an emergency), the judge can appoint a custody evaluator to fully assess a child’s wishes and needs and can also appoint a law guardian who can serve as a child’s voice in court.
Even a judge can’t force a teenager to see a parent they don’t want to see, but the judge can encourage them to keep up a relationship with them.
What to Do If Your Teenager Asks to Live With Your Ex
First, try to stay calm. A teen expressing this wish doesn’t necessarily mean they love you less or are ‘choosing sides.’ Teens often crave more autonomy and may believe the other parent will give them more of it.
Instead of reacting defensively, ask open-ended questions like:
- ‘Can you help me understand what’s making you feel this way?’
- ‘What is it about life at your other parent’s home that appeals to you?’
This opens the door for meaningful dialogue and helps you avoid escalating conflict.
Finding Common Ground Maintains Dignity in Divorce and Child Custody
Determining a custody or visitation schedule that makes sense and, more importantly, maintains the bond between child and parents over time is our top priority. While heading to the courts is sometimes the only option, in most cases, mediation is a kinder, more cost-effective means to reaching an agreement.
Handling the strong emotions in divorce requires a skilled advocate who not only has a strong grasp of family law statutes, but one who also can help navigate the family toward a healthy resolution. Ask most anyone going through the divorce process, and they will tell you: child custody issues are at the top of their stress list.
It’s okay to feel hurt or blindsided when your teenager says they want to live with your ex. These feelings are natural. What matters most is how you respond—with calm, compassion, and a focus on long-term connection. Teenagers change and grow quickly. How you handle this now can build trust and keep the door open for a strong relationship down the line.
Family dynamics are thrown into flux during the process of dissolving a marriage. This most certainly presents challenges, but when handled in a sensitive, thoughtful manner, it can also be an opportunity to collaborate. If the process is done well, everyone impacted will feel respected and heard.
Like this article? Check out “When a Child is Taking Sides in the Divorce”
