What do you do when you get divorced, and when your ex gets married quickly? That’s what happened to this reader:
My husband fell in love with another woman. He even said that if he had a plate of food I was only 1 of the items while she was the whole plate and everything that went with it! Slap in the face! I should haves slapped him for saying it. I’m in Christian counseling working through my anger, but how do you cope when your ex gets married quickly- 10 months later? Why does he have the marriage I so long for?
First of all, to compare someone to a food item on a plate is just downright cruel, insensitive and in all honesty, stupid.
Advice for when your ex gets married quickly:
My personal story is that my ex husband got married four years after our divorce. I wouldn’t say that’s “quickly,”and she wasn’t the reason we got divorced. He met her after the divorce. That said, here’s why it hurt like hell when he got married.
1. When your ex gets married quickly, it makes you feel like you are very very alone and he or she is blissfully happy.
But I think that is an illusion we create in our minds, which only leads to anger, resentment, and self-pity. Thinking that your ex is blissful is not accurate. How do you know he is truly happy? Because he got remarried? Maybe he’s putting a Band-aid on your marriage ending, or maybe he’s looking for happiness in another woman instead of facing his own demons and other issues. You don’t know what the picture will look like in a few years from now, so don’t assume he’s found true love.
2. It doesn’t feel “fair.”
In other words, why does he get to end up happily ever after while you are alone? The feeling of injustice can lead to anger and bitterness. But again, this is only the first quarter of the football game. Who’s to say what their marriage will be like in 2 years from now? I’ve seen so often an ex gets married quickly and with family blending comes all kinds of problems and unhappiness. That’s why the divorce rate of second marriages is so high. I’m not saying I wish that for anyone, but I think it’s a reality that you aren’t thinking about right now.
3. Everyone must think YOU were the problem since he got married again so quickly.
DEFINITELY not the case, and you know that. Ask yourself, why do I care so much what other people think? You don’t.
4. Maybe you’re not happy in your own life.
I know when my ex got remarried, I was devastated and wasn’t sure why. It was much later that I realized why: I was not happy in my relationship at the time, and was too afraid to admit it or do anything about it. The key in coping with your ex getting married quickly is to try not to think about “him and her and them,” but rather about yourself and what and who will make you happy. Sometimes, getting upset about it can turn out to be a good thing because it makes you re-evaluate your own life.
Second marriages and blended families are no picnic. Ask anyone, even the happiest of couples and they will tell you it isn’t easy. They will also secretly tell you not to get married again! Trust me, I know a dozen couples who have told me that my current boyfriend and I are so smart for not getting married and blending our families.
The best advice I can offer for when your ex gets married quickly is to think of it as his or her way of coping with your divorce.He or she chose to cope by jumping quickly into another relationship. That might work short-term or it might work forever, but at some point, your ex will mourn the end of your marriage.
I’m not saying to look forward to your ex being miserable, but rather recommending that you focus on understanding the real reason your marriage ended, accepting the end, coming to a place of peace in its ending, and living for today.
Do things and spend time with people who make you happy. That will lead you to a happy, healthy future and to having a real relationship–an authentic relationship that isn’t rushed, and that isn’t starting behind someone’s back.
Do you see what I’m saying? You are in a much better position than your ex who got married quickly! You are taking your time, healing, growing, and enjoying life at a slower pace. It’s all good for you. It’s your ex who might have to face some issues later. Let him worry about that.
Like this article? Check out, “20 Things I Wish I could Have Told My Newly Separated Self”
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Kimberley
People can be really insensitive sometimes. My ex wrote me 12 days of Christmas song. We broke up after 11 years one month before Christmas. Imagine my surprise when I get this random text from him 2 weeks before Christmas with this really rude song in the style of “12 Days of Christmas”. He used to make fun of my clothes and would tell me I dressed like a grandma. So one of the verses was “5 Grandma Blouses”. The song was very hurtful and mean. He thought it was funny and that I should share it with my sister because she might think it was just as funny as he did. No one thought it was funny they all thought he was an A-HOLE. I totally get that words hurt but you can’t let them over take your life.
Pauline Lewis
I had been married for 33 years and my husband had been having an affair. I told him to leave, which he did. The following day he said he thought I should know about his new woman and how lucky he was. He said he never looked back. He has managed to make the divorce process last into the fifth year and not do anything asked of him by my solicitor. He has bled me dry financially by my solicitor keep on trying to get him to do anything. I am now in the fifth year of divorce and I am totally bored and fed up with it all. I seem to be losing friends who have had enough of the way I am. I have lost myself and when I look at photographs before the split, I honestly do not recognise me. I am a stranger in the photos. I dont know how to find myself. My husband was very good at killing my confidence and wanting to control. In the four years without him, I have learnt to enjoy my space and make decisions for myself. I know about endowment policies, how to fit a new toilet seat; put new hinges on a gate, take control of all the finances which I was never allowed to do. I dont want to waste my time any longer but until the divorce has gone thru, I dont feel I can move on. Any words of wisdom for me please?
Janet
After 21 years of marriage, my ex got remarried 3 days later. I am so much better off without him!
Runningaway
My ex said that he met her the day the divorce was final, Oct 3. My kids told me he was dating before the divorce was final. He was engaged a week before Thanksgiving. Will be married Feb 28. It is so painful for my 3 kids who are all teenagers. He is buying all the things that I have ever asked him for for himself. It’s like he is trying to make me jealous, but it’s not working. I haven’t missed him once. He was very emotionally distant and a workaholic that claimed I was spending all his money. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. His actions are turning the kids against him. I just look at the mess he is making and it reaffirms my decision to get a divorce.
BigRig
Together for 5 years then I proposed to her, then had our wedding 1 year 3 months after engagement, 10/2020. Have some rough patches during it, but who doesn’t in a marriage? Until 11/2022, exactly one month after I had lost my very nice pay working job that I got promoted to, then lost due to some ridiculous made up crap that NEVER HAPPENED, and I got into the kitchen and I see a big letter wrapped around divorce papers from them, explaining what’s going on, what has to happen to make “both” of us happier in the end, and to get out of “her” house before she came home from work, and if I didn’t comply, then “things are only going to get worse between us” even if I tried to stay and talk to her about it all. We never even came to a mutual agreement, let alone even talk about the divorce happening anytime soon. But she made this decision “for the both of us”, all the while I was completely against it! Didn’t even know that the night before she decided this course of action, I didn’t even get a chance to talk about anything, or discuss or try to understand what’s been going on with her lately. I never even… got to say goodbye to her in person, or one last kiss or hug or intimate night with my “wife” before she “killed” her off and became the ex wife.. Once divorce was finalized, barely 10 months go by, and she’s already “engaged” to her best friend from high school band, that was an usher at our wedding… coincidence…?