Can men and women be friends after a divorce? I think so. Not immediately, but over time, you might be surprised. But there’s one thing I think that keeps men and women at odds for a long, long time. It’s a source of resentment that breeds perpetual anger and bitterness. I’m talking about child support.
When someone has to hand over a child support check every month, a few things could be going on:
1. It can bring back the emotions of the divorce because it’s a monthly reminder.
2. It can cause financial anxiety.
3. It can make a person feel like divorce laws aren’t fair.
4. The person always kind of wonders if the child support check is really going to the kids.
5. The person might feel like the ex isn’t appreciative. So, he/she feels angry and resentful.
These child support issues go on for men and women in ALL financial situations. In other words, it’s not only in situations where people are struggling financially. I see it from very wealthy people. It doesn’t make a difference. Most people hate to pay for one reason or another. Which leads me to ask the ironic question…
Is paying child support really about the money?
Let me paint one scenario. A guy thought he and his wife and kids were relatively happy. The marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was okay. That was life. All of a sudden, one day, his wife says, “I want a divorce.”
He finds out she is in love with another man. The ground beneath the guy’s feet gives way. He now has to find an apartment and move out, not see his kids every night, AND the worst one, give his wife (who is happily in love and living with their kids full time) a check every month, otherwise he will be in violation of the law.
It’s pretty easy to see why he might be resentful. But, let’s look at it through the wife’s eyes. Maybe she was unhappy for years. Maybe she tried to get her husband to go to counseling and he wouldn’t go. Cheating is not justifiable. I’m not saying it’s perfectly OK to cheat and leave your spouse for another person. But child support isn’t about any of this.
Then there’s the situation where a wife was left by her husband. I see this a lot: at the beginning, the husband feels guilty and is happy to hand the child support check over to his soon-to-be-ex. But as the months go on, and the divorce progresses, he changes course and turns angry, bitter and resentful about having to give his ex money. He might say, “It’s been 8 months, she should have a job by now.”
He doesn’t realize the trauma and pain his wife is experiencing, and how hard it is to go from a stay-at-home mom to a working single mom.
I do want to clarify that these roles can be reversed. I don’t want to stereotype because every situation is unique.
The most important thing to remember is:
Child support is about innocent people: children.
Being a mom who received child support (and worked), I sometimes feel like ex-husbands think women are sitting around having a great time, collecting money, buying whatever we want and laughing about how great we have it. That was very much not the case for me, and for most divorced moms I know.
Now, I also know some moms who make no effort to work and feel entitled and still bitter about their divorce even if they are being paid a monthly amount of child support that is much more than they spend.
So, how can a couple reconcile child support and both feel good about the amount the one person is receiving?
If someone wants to feel better–less resentful and angry about giving his or her spouse child support, they might want to be more communicative and ask the spouse to talk about what he/she spends the child support money on. I’m saying communicate in a nice, courteous, productive way, not in an accusatory, judgmental way. Say, “I genuinely would like to know where this money is going, specifically.”
I have always wondered why divorced couples don’t have some kind of joint account in which each can see how the money is being spent. For example, each could have access to a ledger that both parents are using. Hockey skates: $200, Ballet lessons for April: $300, Doctor’s appointment co-pay: $35, etc. This way, each knows exactly how the money is being spent, and then attitudes completely change, the parents co-parent better, and they are kinder to each other, which has a huge positive effect on children. I think this kind of ledger should be mandatory by law!
Here’s the thing. Divorce (besides having so many other challenges) is expensive. It’s a financial stressor for most people. So, with financial stress and fear, comes anger and resentment.
But I hope people who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly child support check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children, and provide the best life possible to the people they love the most.
Sometimes life isn’t fair, and the child support check you pay or receive might not seem fair. If that’s you, I understand and I’m sorry you have to live with an injustice. My advice is to try not to focus on what you can’t control, and instead focus on your life and your happiness.
I do have something to say to the person who is getting the child support check, and I want the giver of the check to hear this, too:
I know it’s hard to go back to work. Trust me. I’ve been here. Here are the obstacles…
1. First of all, it was so so so hard to find that first job after not working for so long.
You should learn LinkedIn, and how to network and use social media to put yourself out there professionally. Plus, when was the last time you updated your resume? That’s really hard, too!
2. Secondly, it’s hard to find the right fit–for your lifestyle and being a mom and juggling it all.
I had a couple jobs where I worked for less than a month and it just didn’t work out.
3. Technology has all changed.
It is beyond intimidating to those who have been out of the work force for so long. But, I can tell you firsthand, it can be overcome.
4. Stay-at-home moms lack self-confidence when it comes to working.
If you think about it, being a stay-at-home mom is thankless with no pay and no recognition. That weighs on a person and causes them to lose confidence and self-esteem.
All this said, women who are divorced should not expect and assume that they can continue being a stay-at-home mom and live off child support and maintenance alone.
Divorce definitely has a price, and going back to work is often part of it. Sad, but it’s the truth. But, as someone who lived it, going back to work changed my life incredibly for the better, in many, many ways.
It feels so much better to make your own money versus collecting a check every month from someone else. And, it feels even better to do both! (if you are making a lot less than your ex, of course.) It’s extremely empowering to hold a job, and just wait until you get a raise or get promoted! Work gives people a sense of identity that is separate from the kids, and makes you feel confident and smart and great about yourself. Trust me, I lived this, and I was scared as hell to go back to work.
In closing, the thing I want to say to men (and women) who have to pay child support is, I know it’s frustrating when you have to give a check to your ex, especially if he/she left you, and who you know for a fact isn’t even looking for a job (again, in certain cases) because she just doesn’t want to work. And, if he/she is mean to you and you still have to pay, I would imagine it’s infuriating.
The psychological aspect of someone having to hand the ex a child support check every month is just plain old mentally unhealthy.
But next month, when you hand the person who broke your heart and ruined your life the child support check, try to remember that you are handing it to your children, not him/her. And, when he hands you the check, just say thanks. It’s nice to be acknowledged and appreciated, no matter the circumstances.
Like this article? Check out, “20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self”
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Audrey
My husband has a 5 year old with his ex-gf who lives overseas. The ex got pregnant on purpose at 24 because her best-friend had a baby and she ‘thought they are cute and I want one’ – she actually wrote this plan out in her diary and was pregnant within 6 weeks.
She left the country and went back to her home country towards the end of her pregnancy, and the first time my husband went to be there with her when the baby was he caught her cheating (walked in on them…); she had been cheating on him since before the baby was born. She then left him for her new boyfriend, and started extorting my husband for money in return for photos of the baby.
The ex-gf is from an extremely wealthy family, has never worked a day in her life, never graduated high school (in a country which has a 99% graduation rate) and will never work a day in her life. Shes never taken a non-business class flight and goes on 4 international holidays a year. She lives with her father and sister who care for the children while she goes out to bars and clubs 4x per week. When my husband flies there to see his son, it’s very common for her not to bring the kids out to see him because she’s too hungover at 12.30pm on a Tuesday…
She now has a second baby from another random guy whom shes not been involved with since pregnancy, because (as she mentioned to my husband) she wanted another ‘cute’ baby because the first one grew up and wasnt cute anymore… Another ‘on purpose’ baby then ditch the father
We pay her $2000 in ‘spoiled-entitled lady support’ a month for this privelage. We are small business owners, and have literally ZERO income, we are a startup and producing no income yet. We literally can’t afford food.
At the same time she spends zero time ‘mothering’ the kid and instead is out on holidays and partying all week. The child is behind both physically and mentally – not in a disabled way but as if he’s not had any education or human interaction, besides the fact that we’ve spent over $55,000 on first-tier private education at her request (suspect he’s not been going to school but she’s been pocketing the money).
Meanwhile, we live in the garage of my 90 year old grandmother whom I care for. The other day I took my grandma to the hospital and took my husband’s car because I had no petrol and couldn’t afford a top-up. Low and behold his petrol tank was empty. I had to choose between using my last 20$ for petrol, or buying groceries for the next week. Petrol it was, otherwise I couldn’t get my grandma home, how embarrassing.
And this woman is living off my dollar – her wealthy father pays every cost for the kid, and because her dad is pissed at her irresponsibility he’s trying to restrict her budget so that shes only allowed to go out for dinner and drinks 4x per week (as she complained to my husband) so now she’s requesting more and more money from us.
After her original threats of taking his son away after her initial cheating, he’s now too scared to try to bargain with her and gives her whatever she wants, whenever she wants. He takes them on luxury holidays, and his visits are purely 5 star restaurants and mini-vacations (as she refuses anything less). While we work 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for ‘nothing’ as we build our business. And who will be the beneficiary once we make money? HER first…
$24,000 a year is a lot even on a dual-income average wage (which we currently don’t have!), and every dollar of this is debt, we’ve had to re-finance the house, rent it out and move into a garage just to maintain her manicure-payments, and on top of that we even get to pay interest on this!
But as his precious, wealthy ex-gf told him – it’s standard in Japan to pay $1000 a month to the mother, and after the child is 5 it goes up to $2000 a month. Of course there is zero doubt that she made all of this up, as there is no evidence towards this, and our other Japanese friends look at us like idiots when we ask them. But he’s now ‘under the thumb’ of the dictator and.. god.. I don’t even know how we are going to survive the next few months.
My husband is just trying to be a ‘good man’ and do the right thing, while his cheating ex used him to get pregnant on purpose, then threw him away and turned him into her own personal credit card.
Brad
Child support should be a fixed amount for everyone, regardless of parent’s income. It should be set at the minimum amount determined to raise a child. It doesn’t cost more to raise a child that was born to high income parents than it does to raise a child of low income parents. If high income parents provide their children with nicer things while they’re married, they’re not going to stop just because they got divorced. The idea of maintaining a child’s standard of living is ridiculous. How can the same amount of income support 2 households without a decrease in standard of living. If a parent can’t afford the house they live in without the support of someone else, they shouldn’t live in it. When parents decide to get divorced, they decide to disrupt the lives of the children. One parent shouldn’t be required to help maintain the lifestyle of the other. Child support is a way for a lower income parent to extort money from a higher income parent in order to maintain a lifestyle that they can no longer afford and should not be living. If married parents live in a big house that either can’t afford alone and decide to get divorced, they decide to move. Why should the higher income parent be required to move out, support the lower income parent and their lifestyle while severely diminishing their own. A bad parent is a bad parent and will change jobs, hide income, dodge child support and probably shouldn’t be in a child’s life anyway. A good parent is a good parent and will do whatever they need to in order to provide for their children. Child support is just a way for a parent to extort money from someone to maintain a lifestyle that they can’t afford and should not be living. Should my children have to move if I decide I don’t want to live with my spouse any longer? If you can’t afford the house any more then yes! It’s part of the decision you made. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. What if my spouse leaves me? I feel bad for you, but it’s a free country and now you have to get a job and support yourself, by yourself. If your ex is a good parent, he’ll still take care of your children, just not you. Child support based on income is legalized extortion. If a high income parent provides nicer things for their children, they’re not going to stop. They’ll just stip providing nicer thing for you. Children of high income parents don’t eat more or require more clothing than children of lower income parents. This is why child support should be the same for a parent that makes $40,000 a year as it would be for a parent that makes $130,000 a year.
Doug
What would this magic number be? It still would be unfair on either end the spectrum. for most men who left their wives even with CHILD SUPPORT they are saving a ton of money and way better off than when the ex spent it all. Just don’t be a sucker twice as woman are just a bad investment money TRAP.
Richard T
How about this 18 years with a woman. Stayed by her even when she drunk and blacked out lost keys constant urination in bed. Throw up. But I stayed because he had my children. Found out her father was abusing her that’s why she was drinking. I loved her. But I got tired of the situation but constant alcohol even I started drinking a little bit period so I gave her an ultimatum and told her if she doesn’t stop I will divorce her. So I did. She got off alcohol for a while . But then when a day after divorce. She told the landlord that I had to move out and the landlord send me documentation telling me I have 60 days to move out of the house period but wife can stay and kids can stay. So I moved out period on that day I moved out ex-wife one down to child support office and they hit me with child support and arrears even though we were living together the year of the arrears. I only make or bring home 990 every two weeks she makes 2,000 every two weeks. So now I have to pay $888 in child support every month. Can’t see my kids cuz I work the night shift they are in school all day and I work at night I get to see them one time a week no. And she’s living in the place that we got together. I tell man this this is no benefits for getting married. Build your career. Don’t bother with women
Ana
Omg Brad you are so right.And your intelligence shines through! Not only do you make sense but your statement is based on reality!
Yelnick
Well Ana he does make some good points. The Governments position is that the children’s standard of living should be reduced as little as possible. Why is this only important in after a divorce. Lets say a married couple makes one million dollars a year for ten years. They decide they are tired of this lifestyle and give away all of their money. They move to a commune and only provide the bare necessities for their children. Food, shelter, clothing and education. Why does the Government not step in and say “hey, you need to maintain these kids standard of living?” Furthermore, if the non custodial parent dies, does the Government step in and provide what they were paying in support in order to maintain the necessary lifestyle and standard of living? No, of course not. Child support should never exceed what is needed for survival, just like Government assistance. Its not the Governments responsibility to ensure the kids get equal gift from their parents.
Alex
Evil begets Evil. Child Support fosters animosity between parents, inevitably reducing the well being of children. The article below states “Police interviewed Daron Boswell-Johnson about shooting and killing his daughter and her mother in 2016 over child support.” https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/public-safety/how-much-is-too-much-to-allow-a-2-year-old-to-live-murder-trial-over-600-child-support-payments-ends-in-a-conviction/2018/04/04/847a1180-549c-4032-92d7-7e17f6f800ff_story.html?utm_term=.f17caa3ed729. It is one of many horrible family tragedies triggered by an evil Family Court and Child Support System. Child Support Order turned out to be deadly again because of the old age motive for murder – MONEY! When are we going to abolish Child Support Orders so that children like 2-year old Chloe can live?
Raquel
The comments from these men are ridiculous. My husband of 13 years left my son and I less than a year after purchasing a new home that HE wanted!! He moved in with a “woman” he had cheated on me with for years and for four months assisted with the mortgage. He stopped after realizing that it would be much more fun to travel the globe w/his ho while I was left to foot the mortgage, pay for my son’s summer camp and sports and every other cost involved with raised a pre-teen. These “men” can suck it easy and write that check and stop whining about it.
Wes
I have heard this story before. It is sad and wrong. We, the majority of men, do not condone cheating on one’s wife and leaving her to pay the mortgage and the support for the children. However, this is NOT the norm. This is NOT reality in the majority of cases.
The real world is this:
– The wife leaves the husband, 75% to 90% of the time, depending on which statistics you read.
– The husband pays the mortgage and the wife pays nothing. Even when she is supposed to pay “carrying charges”, the court excuses the wife.
– The husband pays not only all of the child support but multiple times the child support, so the wife can sit on her rear-end and not even support herself when she is educated and perfectly capable of working full time.
While it is wrong for you to pay all of the bills, it is RIGHT for you to pay one-half of all the bills. I am sorry. What happened to you is not right, but simply excusing unjust and unfair laws is not acceptable, and that is what you are arguing.
Unfortunately, your attitude of men can “suck it easy” to use your words, leads to men refusing to get an education and refusing to work. Instead, they stay at home and play with the kids during the day. Then, when they walk out on you, taking your children away from you, you say the exact the same thing as we men. Just look back through the posts in this very blog.
We must change the laws to do what is best for the children. Several states have moved to equal, shared parenting. This is the best plan all the way around. I realize that this means that the former wife is going to have to work, support herself and support her children one-half of the time, but that is the best plan for the children.
Michael
Wife of 8years physically assaulted me, got arrested for it, and is now collecting 50% of my taxable income because “she wAS SaD”. I have both of our children 7 days a week, I work full time, and guess what she does? She works a light job on the weekends and collects my checks. The system is beyond repair at this point.
Michael
I divorced my wife in 1994 and she was awarded half of my monthly take home pay. I was clearing $1000.00 a month and she Received $500.00 of that. I was a police officer and because of this, I had to work extra overtime and off duty details, which didn’t leave time for anything but sleep. Because of this I didn’t see my son for long periods and now that he’s a adult he is very distant from me. His mother caused this and did so joyfully.
Jackie Pilossoph
I”m so sorry. That is very very unfair. I would focus on talking to your son and trying to get to know him more and be in his life. It is never too late. Try to explain things to him without trashing his mom. I wish you all the best. And, thank you for protecting us. I am grateful for your service.
Wes
“Very, very unfair?” This IS child support. Trying to explain to your children how your life and their life is being destroyed without speaking the truth about their mother, is impossible. This is a major problem with the gender bias of the divorce system, it is all based in lies and legalized abuse of primarily men, but also women who “act like” men. Start talking to your government representatives. They are not hearing you over the very loud: National Organization for Women (NOW). I know this for a fact. I have sat with both my Senator and Assembly Representative.
Alex
Evil Family Court awards parent engaged with parental alienation or pathogenic parenting with Child Custody and Child Support. Here, the Court blindly believed Rod McCall ex-wife’s sexual allegations claims (without evidence). As a consequence, Rod was charged with sexual improprieties with his son and banned from visiting his child. After a long and costly uphill Court battle, something most non-custodial parents who were alienated from their children can not afford, Rod was finally awarded full custody for his son. At the prospect of losing Child Support and having to pay it to the Father, the alienating Mother went home and killed the son literally the same day of the ruling. It is a horrible family tragedy brought about by Family Court which introduced between parents the fight for MONEY – the old age motive for murder! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db-QyblacWo
When are we going to abolish evil Child Support Orders so that children like Rod McCall’s 6-year old son can live?
John
Most women are using these child support checks to buy themselves the newest Gucci purse and the latest Manolo shoes that celebrities are wearing. Notice I said WOMEN because the judge AUTOMATICALLY gives full custody to the mother! Men are IDIOTS for getting married. If you really want sex, go to the red light district in Amsterdam and buy it legally without any consequences. This country hates men and especially the family unit.
Kelly
You sound very bitter, but I can tell you there are a lot of untruths in your statement. Many states now do not automatically aware full custody to women. In my own case, my ex has severe mental illness, has been hospitalized many times because of it, and even admitted to having homicidal thoughts about me. Yet the court does nothing about it and still thinks we should have joint custody even though my ex is clearly not well.
Also, I know very few single moms who can afford to buy themselves those things you mention. We are too busy paying for sports, other extra-curricular activities, and medical bills that our deadbeat exes refuse to share the cost for. I am sorry you got burned, but it seems you are buying into stereotypes that are mostly not true.
Doc
Child support shouldn’t exist in the United States. It goes against the tenets of liberty and freedom, and we should move back to direct support. Otherwise, men should be able to financially abort their child. There should be a financial fee men can give to the woman to waive their rights and be able to walk away from the situation. It is commonly said men make their decision in the bedroom, well, so do women. They’ve made their decision in the same bed, but they’re allowed to abort that baby based on not being ready financially. Really, they don’t need any other reason than “I just don’t want it”. Therefore, give men the same opportunity to walk away, or i’ll Just think abortion is murder, unless in cases of rape or incest. Then we can just tell women they made their decision in the bedroom, and then start jailing mothers for the crime of being poor.
Long and short of it, make better decisions and don’t have children with someone that doesn’t care about you, or being there for their children. End child support, or allow for male abortion.
Rebecca
I agree with these comments. My opinion as a woman is I choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy. Men get no choice, and very few options. I agree men have no power except to try to use protection, which can fail. My best friend got pregnant after a condom failed/broke. What’s a man to do?? The consequences are out of his control after that, and any reasonable human wouldn’t pool him into a group of dads that divorce moms and have lived with their children. The system is not working.
Mr. Responsibility
The issue is not whether either parent has a right to terminate a child due to a desire to not support them. We choose the consequnce of supporting the child when we choose to have sex. If you do not want to support a child, don’t engage in intercourse. It works EVERY time. The issue is that our society has created a system that forces fathers to support their ex-wives under the lie that it is child support. Both parents must support their children directly, not as ordered by someone who is not a parent of the child. Both parents, supporting the child/children in their own home, as they see fit. They are the only ones who have the right to set the level of child support.
Ryan
My ex cheated on me and I tried to salvage the relationship but in the she left me for the guy. In the meantime I’ve been in my kids life, I’ve taken him on trips, entered him into sports, fought for custody during school time, started a 529 account for him, remarried and my wife works from home, bought a house in a better school district, and I still have the expenses of having clothes at my house, meals, a room that’s his own, I pay health insurance, he doesn’t go to his sports when he’s at Mom’s house.
Meanwhile I’m now paying child support and seeing my son less than half days of the year. It’s simply not fair. I’ve been a great PARENT, she hasn’t. She has him on free lunch and breakfast at school, has lied in court and has switched him to an underperforming school. I have never been in trouble with the law, never cheated on her and never abused her.
When we were 1st separated she was working 3rd shift and I had more overnights and could have collected child support but I was smart enough to NOT make it about the money.
Why don’t the court systems fight to make the living situations as close to 50/50 that is possible? Why should a spouse that chooses to wrong their spouse (and child) be rewarded with more time and monitary gain?
Now I’m struggling to do the things I used to be able to do with my son. She has two other kids with the guy she left me for. He doesn’t work and I’m supporting her, him and their two kids as well. Maybe this is an exception to the rule but my son is losing in this situation. I don’t find this article to be very sensitive to the VAST different situations that impact kids and parents.
Yang
I am in complete disagreement with the article but as she said, every case I different. A woman who leaves a relationship for another man, should at least be prepared for the repercussions of doing so. She should be able to stand on her 2 feet with or without the support of the man and even more so if the man is very actively involved with the child. I cannot understand why a man should further pay child support if he leaves the the home to the woman, he supports his child by paying daycare, insurance and taking care of the child essentials. In this case, it is the man who 8s rebuilding himself and building a future for his children. Hiw the state calculate child support does not reflect the correct amount of what’s really needed to raise a child. As parents, we will find the most economic way of doing things because we want to save and have financial security. The next point I want to make is that I don’t feel the need to pay or give a woman money to take care of my children when I can do it myself. If I am doing the nurturing, spending time with the kids, being involved in their development and participating on all front, then why should I pay extra to the woman? Or why should she feel the need for me to put money i her hand? If the child needs are being met, I don’t see how a child support is necessary.
Non custodial slave
Had my first at 21, not knowing what i was getting myself into. Came from a broken home with no mother or father. Here i am 29 with 3 boys and an outstanding 1000 monthly payment child support…
At thispoint I am a child support slave.
Never had the means to get on my feet, especially not now.
30,000 in the rears, and my oldest is only 7.
Now every day is a constant struggle. After garnishments in a 45 hr week im seeing barley $230!
I literally cannot make it in life on my own without the help of a spouse.
The systen has succeeded in breaking me down to nothing. I am judged because of my financial struggles, and have no say what so ever in the raising of my boys..
I can pay 8 months consistantly, and then turn around and be in court for contempt after missing 3 payments…
Todays child support punishes those whom struggle.
I guess youre supposed to be a professional athlete or entertainer or a millionaire in order to ever progress in life and reach goals with a looming recurring debt..
Im not asking to be removed, im just asking for a reasonable amount that is actually managable.
When its all said and done i will have paid 230,000 in child support, but wont have a home, car, or a life to enjoy.
I will most likely be paying this debt until i am in the grave….
Now that i know what i have to look forward to, I regret having every single child! How many custodial parents or innocent children will be hurt in the aftetmath of a struggling non-custodial? However many it takes to be heard?
I hear you
This makes me very sad. I can tell you love your children, and yet understand how you regret having them. It shouldn’t be this way. There are strangers like me out here that see your side of this ridiculous situation. It will eventually end someday, although that doesn’t help you now. Keep trying the best you can. Spend some time planning a better career for your future, once the support payments stop you’ll only owe arrears and that dollar amount won’t change. Perhaps look into owning a small business or working for cash, and avoiding a payroll garnishment. You’ll still owe, but possibly less. I know 2 men, one chose college (stayed 13 years until PhD level) the other worked his way up in retail. After their youngest was old enough and the payments stopped they could safely increase their income, and were ready when the time finally arrived. It depends your age, but you could start a high paying career at 45 and pay your arrears slowly. I wish I had better advice for you. It won’t help you to increase your income, the child support just goes up with it. Heartbreaking. Try to love your kids, even if you resent the mothers. They need their dad, broke or not. Although you have no control over how they are raised, I remember as a child seeing even a small example of a different way of doing things can make an impact. I look back on my childhood and things stand out, small steps make a big difference. The way you look at your situation is understandable, and I’m sorry.
KT
So who should pay the price for you having three kids you couldn’t afford? The innocent children? The custodial parent? Do you know what it takes to take care of three children with an absent parent? Should they suffer even more by not requiring you to pay? You made the same mistake three times. We all get somewhat of a pass for growing up in broken homes and having a first child irresponsibly but the rest is on you. Hope you’ve gotten sterilized, work 2 jobs until your oldest turns 18 and do the right thing by them.
Wes
It is critical that we stop the lying. Child support has absolutely nothing to do with who, did what. The law is “No fault”, so there is no blame. WOMEN demanded that by the way. This is about the equal responsibility of BOTH parents to pay ½ of the actual child support.
“Mr. Non-Custodial Slave” CAN afford to support his children – without a problem. The problem is that he is being expected to support lazy, deadbeat, women that do not work and do not pay child support.
Women are 100% equal with men. Mothers are 100% equally responsible with fathers to support their children. Until mothers are required to pay the exact same amount, of court-ordered child support, as fathers do and prove that it is being paid as fathers must, they do not pay child support. Also, the child support is needed by BOTH parents. Both parents need to have access to it to be used for child expenses at both parent’s homes.
No government is going to try to figure out what it actually costs to support children. Therefore, the only viable solution is equal, shared parenting. That way, both parents must support the children directly. There is no reason for child support to be paid to the ex-spouse by either parent. Mothers are forced to work and support their children just like fathers. Why is equal, shared parenting a problem? Because mother’s can no longer fleece their ex-husbands for money.
Jack Rabbit
Although not denying that there are men and women that this article applies to, it is still a very one sided article, not to mention sexist, biased and out of touch with times. Articles like this continue to propagate the tender years doctrine. Women are more than capable of earning a good income, and sharing physical custody (parenting time). It is some women that continue to think they own the children and continue to use them as bargaining chips, if they get their way then things are ok, but if they are unhappy with the child support amount, hell breaks lose.
Reality
I feel that women in today’s world expect everything to be handed to them. They don’t know what it is like to do without. I believe in supporting your children. But i do not believe in supporting the habits of a woman that always talks down to the man especially when she was the one who was selfish and put her feelings first. Life isn’t fair get over it. But if a woman wants what’s best for her children then act like it. Not put the feeling of a cock before innocent children’s feelings. Let them be the one for a change supporting 2 households. But no they always complain about women’s rights and whine to get what they want. I don’t know how many times i have heard women say when they want something all they have to do is take their ex back for an increase in child support. Maybe they shouldn’t spend 60 on nails or upwards of 120 on their hair or even that spring,summer,fall,or,winter purse or whatever they must have to fill that void. Who has their priotities straight in today’s little fairy tale world that they live in? Maybe its time to stand up to these money grubbing so called mothers that can’t do anything without a man but yet cant respect a man much less themselves. Wake up and realise that the more you take from the father. The more you take from the kids and create more resentment and anger and separate each other for your own selfish reasons because you can’t grow up and put kids before yourself
The Stand
“You are GIVING MONEY TO YOUR CHILDREN. “… And yet when people mention the idea of custodial parents reporting to the state on how the money is used (keeping track of receipts, swearing under oath that it was used for rent, etc.) they ALL flip out. Why? If you are using the money as intended why are so man custodial parents against this idea?
Jackie Pilossoph
I don’t know anyone who is flipping out. I would be willing to show every single receipt and open my checkbook and credit card statements and show my ex how I’m spending my child support. I have no shame in it whatsoever. If people aren’t willing to do that then that’s an issue.
Wes
It is good that you are not ashamed to disclose how you are handling the child support. I pay standard, mandatory child support for our three daughters. According to documents provided to the court by my ex-wife last year, the amount of money I pay in so called “child support” is equivalent to her entire month’s expenses. At the same time, her income is less than poverty level for one person. She is an educated, experienced, medical professional. All three of our children are in school and have been for a few years. Men are not simply paying all of the child support. We are also paying full spousal support, while our ex-wives are paying nothing. Our children need both men and women to demand change to our divorce laws.
Rob
How about this scenario… wife wants a divorce… reason doesn’t matter. Your argument is the father is paying to support his children but why should his ex wife be in a better financial situation than him? Why should she be able to buy a house and the father left to rent an apartment? In this #metoo day and age why isn’t men and women’s equal rights given? Why isn’t 50/50 custody the norm now? Why is it that when a women files for a divorce the burden falls on the father to fight for 50/5 custody? I’m A divorced father of 3 children living in NYC. I pay $2,450 a month in child support and $1,800 a month in rent for a 3 bedroom. I make $150k a year. My ex wife is a NYC teacher making 80k a year.
I wanted my children 50% of the time and had to settle for Tuesday overnight Thursdays after school until 7 and every other weekend Friday to Monday. It’s roughly 30% of the time.
My ex wife goes on vacations with the kids. She buys them multiple birthday presents, holiday gifts, she lives a very comfortable life. I spend my month spending more than I take home. Why? Is that what’s best for my children ? Should I get a second job?
Really? I’m sorry but using the “you’re supporting your children” line is bullshit. Majority of fathers would support their children without a court order but the better explanation is why am I giving money to someone else to support them when I can support them myself?
Supporting my children means giving their mother enough money every month so that she can afford vacations and and enroll them in multiple activities and basically spend money freely while I live my life watching every dollar I spend? And if I question it that means I’m a deadbeat dad? Or I’m selfish? Or I don’t want to be responsible for my children?
My ex wife tells me frequently that I look for reasons to not have to pay her “my fair share” I was told it was my responsibility’s to fork over $567 for summer camp bc my son wanted to go and that was my responsibility.
She goes to out of network doctors and gets angry when I push back on having to pay the higher co pay.
My daughter lost her retainer twice and she got upset when I stated that I wasn’t interested in paying for a third retainer since she’s lost 2 in less than 2 months.
My situation is not one off. It’s fairly common. Women pick and choose when they want equality.
Jackie Pilossoph
You bring up a really good point. In Illinois, the divorce laws were changed a couple of years ago, making child support much more even. It seems a lot more fair. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. It’s frustrating. My advice would be to try not to focus on the percentage of time you have with your kids. Everything doesn’t have to be even-Steven. quality is more important. I hope that helps.
Wes
Don’t listen Rob. You do need to focus on the gender bias that is rampant in New York State. I live in the exact opposite corner (North-Western New York). Between us are literally thousands of children suffering from not having their fathers in their lives. My daughters still lament that my ex and I not together. When my daughters are with me, they miss their mother. When they are with their mother, they miss me. It is absolutely imperative that men get mad and fight for their children.
Your politicians in NYC are the very ones that have suppressed equal, shared parenting bills here in New York for the last 20 years. Ignore the calls to lie to yourself and get upset. Until men join together and go after the massive harm women are doing to our children, they will continue to lose their futures and the quality time they could be having with their fathers.
handell
STONGLY AGREE!
I did nothing wrong,
I met a girl who said she loved me, she said she would marry me, she said she would never leave me. So we had a child together but then she decided to leave me for someone else when the child was 5. She lied.
She then took me for child support and pretty much wiped out my paycheck and any means of surviving on my own. Over 65% of my check gone.
So I remarried and that infuriated my ex. She then stopped letting me see my child that I was used to getting most all the time, so I had to waste money and time that I don’t have to go to court & only to be allowed every other weekend visitation.
She took my heart & The court allowed her to take my money, my child, my dignity as a man. I have no faith in the law nor government whatsoever. In my pursuit of having a family & happiness… I did nothing wrong.
This child support system (just like the welfare system) only enables a woman an alternative avenue to succeed. She lives comfortably happy in a house with her new husband & our child, all of his income, all of her income and half of my income. She saw a better life through the unfair crooked child support system and took it. While I’m on the outside wondering where I went wrong?
I did nothing wrong.
kids should follow the money not money follow kids. the most unfair civil act ever enacted. and is complete BS that no one is changing it to be fair. All I see is the greedy lawyers making money off the plight of the American family. I mean as a child I would want to be taught and lead to success by my successful parent and kept away from the one who is going to teach me how to leech off the system.
Phillip Creed
Child support is largely unfair. Granted, every paying father would be expected to say that, but the math backs them up.
The principal flaw in child support is the assumption that all of the child-related expenses are incurred by the custodial household. For example, if your state’s tables/formula say that combined support should be $1,500/month and the father makes 60% of the income, they’re responsible for a $900 transfer payment (child support) to add to the $600/month pro-rated share of the custodial parent.
But that amount, often referred to as “guideline” support, should **ONLY APPLY TO FULL-CUSTODY** situations, where the non-custodial parent truly spends nothing on the children on a monthly basis. Even with a standard every-other-weekend+plus+summer+vacation arrangement, the custodial parent typically has ~25% parenting time but is paying the same amount as a father who utterly abandoned their children.
The result is a windfall for the custodial parent and further emphasizes the “winner-take-all” compulsion of custody hearings.
Many states have formulas that adjust for parenting time. But many of these states have “thresholds” by which the parenting time credit kicks in. For Wisconsin, it’s 92 days. For Utah, 110 days. For Illinois, it’s 146 days (40% annual parenting time). A father who has their kids 145 overnights/yr in Illinois would run the risk of paying full child support, despite SIGNIFICANT incurred costs for their kids.
This encourages lots of litigation of the “dollars for days” variety. But if a huge change in CS can result in an trivial change in parenting time, this litigation is nevertheless a sadly rational response to irrational policy.
Even worse are states like Ohio, Kentucky, Alabama and a few others where there is NO presumptive adjustment for parenting time. In these states, parenting time is treated as a deviation factor from guideline support and is applied solely by judicial discretion.
This results in extremely varied and disparate CS amounts being awarded in cases with similar circumstances. For instance, in Ohio, deviations even at 50/50 can be denied due to income disparity. Regardless of income disparity, it is utterly implausible that these two conditions will be met–(1) the non-custodial parent will incur NO expenses for their children for having them half the year, and (2) the custodial parent will SAVE no expenses from not having the kids half the time.
By denying deviations at 50/50, these states allow for what is de-facto supplemental alimony. After all, if a transfer payment is ordered from a higher-earning spouse to a lower-earning spouse and parental expenses on children are disregarded, what else would any reasonably-objective person call this other than alimony?
Lest you think it’s still fair, remember–child support is NOT designed to bring the parents’ respective incomes closer. There are, after all, numerous non-custodial parents who make LESS than the custodial parent, and are STILL ordered to pay child support.
The child support system has its merits. But at its heart is the principle that financially supporting a child is the responsibility of BOTH parents, and that the dollars should be best placed to ensure they follow the child. That is simply not the case for many non-custodial parents with parenting time hovering below state-mandated “thresholds” and their expenses are deemed meaningless by fiat.
The math simply doesn’t add up to the system as it’s currently constructed to be fair.
kirk
well this maybe true for some men. i payed 150 a month per to child my ex because i thought that was fair so 450 a month. thats how much it costed for the kids roughly while we were together. and i was happy paying child support.
then something happened. my ex met this man and they started drinking and doing drugs. long story short she ran off with the man and i havent seen her since for about 4 years.
i do not get child support . i have the kids full time. i dont even get family allowance. revenue canada has made it so difficult from getting teachers and niehgbors to signing proof. accusing ne of fraud saying that i need dna proof im the father. telling me i need a court order. saying that im not a Canadian citizen. the list goes on. inorder for me too get anything i need to find her and serve her. n ill need to pay thousands for a lawyer. there’s no justice. im still managing with a full-time job n juggling kids. but i doubt a mother has ever had to go through this. its almost like they dont want fathers to get benefits
This needs to stop
She left me, we are still married! 3 months after she left, got with this guy, was taking the boys to his house, meeting his parents… All that good stuff! He cheated, and then she started talking to another guy who doesn’t work, and lives in a camper with her and my 3 boys! Before she left, I just bought our first home, and got a stable career! She never even filed for a divorce, and then out of nowhere I get orders for child support! We are still going through this process, but during the initial hearing, they suggested I pay $980/month. The whole “The support is for the Children” is crap! She is gonna take that money and get a new place for her and her lover to live… And he don’t have to lift a finger! I’m not complaining. I’m the one who carelessly impregnated her, and I love my children! I just feel the need to vent this one out! I will be bettering myself by learning a new skill that could potentially earn me more, and when the support payments finally stop, I will be in a better place!
Abu
The women do this because the judges, courts and laws allow them to and actually reward them for it. A man who is so hurt, broken, alienated, angry and extorted against his will becomes a dangerous man. Once you’re dragged into it by Jezebel you’re a slave to her and the govt for the next 10 to 20 years. A man who has been through this ordeal and trauma is irreversibly broken for life. Last year the US experienced the lowest number of children for a decade. No children no marriage no relationship no contact with women. Keep avoiding them like the plague. None of this child custody haggling, child support, alimony and alienation will occur. You’re free. No Jezebel to sell your soul to the enemy the govt, cps and courts.
handell
All of family court is a corrupt sham. No person should be forced to give more support than the welfare office is willing to give. It really doesn’t take much extra cash to have an extra person living in your home. Aside from a few of the utilities going up slightly, the rent is the same and mealtime cost are the same if not less because you are eating at home more now.
The same system that will help a family in need if you lose your job will now take steps to put you in jail for losing your job. Complete BS
Guys get trapped all the time and don’t have the right to abort when they clearly do not want to be a parent, when they clearly are not capable mentally and financially of being a parent. Clearly the woman makes a bad decision in hopes of financial gain by keeping the child. If a person does not work, never intended on working, isn’t good at working, why are you women sleeping with these men and how can you expect someone to be something they are not. You put a bum in jail for being a bum and mostly because you are pissed off about your trap-a-man investment not paying off.
Woman against child support
I cannot disagree with this more. Often fathers want more time, but the mother wants that check. Why else would a parent go to court and argue over who gets to see the kids more? Maybe try co parenting and working together. If a father gets an equal shared amount of time, he would he forced to cover half of the expenses anyways. The current system is set to see the non custodial parents. You will not convince me otherwise. How often are fathers forced to pay child support and cash medical? Then mom can still get food assistance, child care assistance, EITC, and the child tax credit while dad doesn’t get any help. So while mom can get all that help and extra, dad still has to pay without any help. Dad still has to provide a room, bed, clothing, and any other essentials. So let’s break this down.
Dad earns $3000 a month. Hes ordered to pay $500 a month for child support, plus another $150 for cash medical or he’s paying for the insurance through work.. Dad has $2300 a month left to pay for all of his things as well as pay for child care when we has them and all their essentials when he has them.
Mom earns $1200 a month. Mom gets $650 in child support. Mom gets $300 in food stamps. She gets $500 a month state assistance to help cover childcare. She gets back a $6,000 tax return. Divide that tax return by 12 to give and approximate monthly amount.
Mom now has approximately $3,150 to help raise the kids and dad has to do it on $2,300. This is the problem with the system and this is why men feel bitter and angry about child support. Nevermind the fact that child support can take a couple of months to get going and it back dates to when it officially starts, so you always start in arrears and many states have implemented interest owed on any back child support. While it may be “for the kids”, it’s a screwed up system that hurts the non custodial almost every time.
I worked with my ex. He doesn’t pay child support. We’ve worked together for 12 years to raise our child. We’ve split costs and worked together on our work schedules trying to maximize our childs time with each parent. This may not be an every case situation, but most dads are labeled as deadbeats because they can’t afford child support and working their asses off just to try to pay their own bills, care for their children when he has them, and forcefully having his check garnished an amount that hurts him. The values I gave I lowed balled by quite a bit.
Child support has become a game of trying to get child support instead of what’s best for the child. It’s disgusting. Maybe instead of saying thank you, give him that check back since you know you’re gonna get a fat tax return and ask him if he wants to share custody. Ask him if he would like more time. Ask him if there’s a way you can work together to maximize time with both parents and help split some of the bills for the children like schooling, winter coats hats and gloves, medical necessities, etc. Ask if he could help with some gas so you can drive your child 40 minutes away to a medical appointment, acknowledge he needs to pay for clothing, food, and larging housing too. Try to create a childcare situation that works for both households. Hell, maybe he has family that would love to spend time with the kids while you both work.
I know this may not be possible in all situations, but let’s be a tad realistic that child support only benefits the custodial parent and hurts the non custodial. Let’s be very clear here, while you may alternate years for filing taxes, the non custodial parent does not get EIC no matter what for that child, so maybe offer him a portion of the return for you to file every year.
My guess is that because child support isn’t about the children and is in fact about the money, most women getting child support would not be willing to do this, which only supports the idea more that child support is about money and not what’s best for the children. It’s gross and if you’re a woman that gets child support and limits the fathers time to every other weekend and one night a week, unless the father absolutely is not around or truly doesn’t have anything to do with the kids, you’re gross too. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Lee
If child support was abolished you wouldn’t see women in the courtroom fighting for the kids. All kids would be with their fathers.
MikeyCon
Yes I strongly believe that money should be put in an account to make sure both parents are paying the needs for a child. Because its not that you have to hand over a monthly check its when you hand over a monthly check and you know for a fact that check doesn’t go for nothing that has to do with the child. Especially if my child’s mother doesn’t have a home and pays no bills who lives with her family because she has 3 other kids by different men and uses my money to take care of all there needs leaving my daughter with less than I do give. Of course its not right to let one child be without but its also not okay for a mother to be doing this for years and years. My child suffers and I look like a terrible dad. Lots of women do this. And she is one. I give it to the women who take care of business and do right by there kids because God sees.
Isabella
My name is Isabella and I am 15 years old. Children love and need both parents in their lives. The current system is so sad, it takes one parent and makes them the outcast, usually the father.
I did some research and found out why and is breaks my little heart that my beloved America, is corrupt like this.
Here is how the system works, this may be hard to believe and you may try and fight against it, but it is true.
When Bill Clinton signed the order to have the United States Government incentivize the States to enforce Child Support laws because tracking down and prosecuting deadbeat fathers is not cheap.
You may not know this but the States get almost matching dollars from the US Government(Tax Payer, YOU) for every dollar they collect thru the States child support system.
So far all this sounds good, right. Track down those bad dads that run off and leave the mom holding the bag. Unfortunately when money is involved things can become corrupt.
I am sure you know someone who has gotten divorced. The standard for divorces now days is one parent gets the child and one parent pays child support thru the State. But you are probably asking, isn’t the Child Support system for Deadbeat dads???
Like I said earlier that is what it was supposed to be for. The States quickly figured, the more Fathers they have on child support the more money they would get. And since the Father is not a deadbeat dad it is so easy to collect the money, just draft it out of his check every month.
It has turned into a multi-billion dollar industry for the States and this industry is subsidized by the tax payer. Also the courts and layers are benefiting from this as the parents fights for custody. Note, the money the States received is not earmarked, they can use it for anything.
If the laws were set for shared custody then the States would lose billions of dollars every year so they have no incentive to change.
It is sad that my father was taken away from me because of greed, a little girl needs her father to protect her and show her how to be treated by men.
I hate the child support system for taking my father from me!!!
-Isabella
Zara
This was obviously written by a Republican father, incensed that child support exists. Let’s all be honest on this forum.
Zara
I’m pretty sure that most men would like to have my ex-husband’s situation. His net worth at the time of our divorce was $50M. We first lived in his “bachelor pad” at $4M then purchased a house of $9M. He was well-off when we married. I was working and had a nice job when we met in 2006 – $125k/annum, from a successful, intact family, top 10 university education— my point is that I was a good marriage match for him, both families approved. It wasn’t a secretary or stripper trapping a mogul, lol. But, yes I was the predictably younger, thinner, prettier 2nd wife. The divorce? As a mutual friend described it, “he thought he had you bought and paid for, but he didn’t know you at all” — he proposed after 4months of dating after being single for five years after his divorce – which cost him $35M. Still, he didn’t ask me for a pre-nip. When we got engaged he made fun of my pitiable salary and asked (told) me to quit my job because I traveled every other week and even joked he would continue to pay my salary to stay home. Funny, not very. But, I quit. We later had two children. It was a short term marriage in CA just under 10 years. When the time came to separate, he found an unscrupulous attorney who advised him to call the police and allege battery. I was arrested. It was a — citizen’s arrest! He then perjured himself (family court declarations from him were always false, but the court doesn’t seem to care about all the lying tactics of many spouses) and said I was a danger to our children, had the nanny HE paid write a similar completely false declaration. She would be fired if not. So, the court granted his request for a TRO. That meant I was booted from the house and moved into a 3 bedroom apartment (for which he paid). But, going from a 6000 sq ft house to a 10K/month apartment ((2500 sq ft) was not a great feeling. There was no adultery as far as I know, but he seemed to think what he did to me (lied to get me out of the marital home and a TRO which meant sole physical custody was better than if he… his words: “think how much worse it would be if I left you for a 25 yr old?”!! Erm.. but, I was only 35 and because, money, was more attractive than when we married. I told him it would be much better than dragging me through the mud and sullying my reputation to our mutual friends as he did. I mean, what wife is kicked out of the home and doesn’t get custody of the kids? A terrible wife and mother. And that was his main concern — his image. He’d been divorced before and his first words after I raised the idea of a separation in the marital counselor’s office were, “I can’t get divorced a second time. People will think I’m the problem!”. Also, he said that if I were to get even JOINT custody of our children, “the judge will order that I pay for you to live in a house as expensive as mine. I can’t let that happen!”. So he had some custody on paper and a TRO, but he was happy for the children to live with me M-F, with no child support, and in violation of the TRO. He didn’t want time with the children (he hired two full time Nannies for himself), he just wanted SOLE PHYSICAL CUSTODY on paper so I wouldn’t get any child support and so he would look like the “hero dad” and I the bad mother and wife. This continued for 10 years. I would have time with my children, but only when he said so. If he had a girlfriend who loved kids, he’d take them on vacations all summer and I’d have no say. Did I have lawyers? Yes. But he could outspend me — I had no job— I was devastated by my situation, depressed so that I barely could get out of bed some days – especially when he had the children (his accessories). I missed them so much. I have never received any child support from him – $50M net worth. Yes, I’d get custody on paper but his lawyer would find anything to file emergency ex-parte requests and then I’d get an order taking it away. The money I spent to get custody back (it happened over and over) would be gone – so I wasn’t able to pay the same lawyer to fight the ex parte order. My lawyers even once waived $100K of my bill bc they were so appalled by the awful orders and had developed so much sympathy for my position that — get this— a top tier firm erased it from the ledger. Now that’s unheard of. So this is the situation it seems every man on this forum would love to have, right? My children are at an age now where they see the vast differences in our lifestyle and are angry and confused as to why. I am trying to work – I had to move across the country- the whole separated family did, bc my ex wanted a change. Yes, I got a court order which stopped it and he was angry and shocked – even told (according to a paralegal on my team) my lawyer, “but, she has no rights!”when he was served. He couldn’t believe I would get a say in where my children lived. But then he railed against me, scared, intimidated and then finally bribed me, promised all the changes I wanted — in writing— on the stipulation that voided the court order. But when the move was completed he blew up and harassed me continuously each time I tried to enforce any part of it. He is a nightmare and I contemplated suicide many times. But, I never could because It would hurt my children immensely . They who are so warm and loving and attached to me, despite all the work he’s done, in the words of our custody evaluator, “to amputate “me”- from the family”. I was an independent, confident, happy, self-supporting person who lost everything-my will was gone, it’s been too hard. After we got engaged- at his prodding, I spent 25k on clothing and personal maintenance a month— now I am so poor I eligible for food stamps and whatever they call welfare these days. I don’t use these “benefits” of course, but it’s merely an illustration of how my life has made a 180 degree turn. This is what men want for the mother of their children? No support, total control? Thanks for reading my TEDessay (non-fiction). I simply hope and want a more equitable situation and a better environment for my children.
raymac
I am going to make these comments agree or disagree…doesnt matter. If a mother cannot make it without child support, dont give her custody. I flat out told the judge, at my lawyers anxiety, “give me the child, and I wont take a dime in child support.” Judge gave my daughter to the mom anyway. Proof that child support is for the mom, not the child. I am blessed because in minnesota, anything over 40 hours a week is mine. So I got a second job to make ends meet.
Here is the other part of this equation. I proudly served my country in the Navy. I found out that my ex was having an affair. Of course my reaction was to yell at her. She filed an order of protection stating I am an Iraq War Vet with Psychological issues. I proved to the courts I was never there. OFP granted anyway. To me, when you pull a stunt like that, you deserve nothing.
In the last child support battle, I hit back with cost of plane tickets, summer camp and giving me every other year the child tax credit. She backed off, but she will be back.
Point being…child support is for whores. I do more with less. Never miss a holiday etc…
Jack
My ex wife cheated on me and we got divorced. She got the house and kids in the divorce. She moved the guy she was cheating on me with in the house I built. My kids call him “Daddy”. I only am allowed to see my kids 4 days a month. I am more like an uncle now than a Dad.
I have to pay $1800 in child support a month. I live in a tiny studio apartment in a bad neighborhood so I can support my two kids and two loser adults (my ex and my kids new “Daddy”).
I wish I never met that bitch. I hate my kids too for calling that unemployed loser my ex cheated on me with “Daddy” when I bust my ass to support them. I deeply regret having those two kids they are greedy and selfish just like their mother. I am gradually checking out of parenting. I see them less and less. Honestly I plan on moving out of state and never speaking to any of them ever again in my life.
I deeply regret getting married and having children.
Michael
My experience is that when the cause of the divorce is due to lack of fiscal responsibility — i.e. always spending more than there is — the courts will allow that behavior to continue, and in fact, encourage it. My divorce was for this exact reason — I was tired of supporting someone who was looking for a free ride. I got no relief from my divorce. I pay child support equal to my entire paycheck when we were together, she is up to her head in debt (again. we had to file bankruptcy once, and following the divorce I assumed ALL of the debt in exchange for my retirement savings). Now I am trying to retire and the courts want me to keep paying based on current earnings — essentially giving back the retirement savings I was trying to preserve. The laws are NOT fair. Anyone who gets married these days is a fool. Once the courts are involved you lose control of your entire life and it becomes hopeless, but only if you are the payer. This is why people cannot stand paying child support. The life of the payer is mandated by a court order, while the life of the receiver is entirely theirs — the court uses a formula, the NCP has a support obligation and the CP does as well. The court enforces that the NCP money actually exists, while the CP can choose to rely exclusively on the income stream from the NCP indefinitely. Fair would be all money goes through the court and the court audits what is spent on the children. When your children are begging for money because “Mom is broke” but she just returned from a Caribbean cruise with her live-in BF who also does not have a job… and the court does not care as long as that NCP money keeps flowing and they get the “poundage” for their coffers…
Wish I Had a Vasectomy
Its not fair that in some states divorced parents or single parents are FORCED to pay for their kids college. My kid just turned 18 and i’m still stuck with this BURDEN. When does it END!!!! Now I am being forced to pay for that BURDEN’S college.
I got a one night stand pregnant when I was 18 and had to drop out of college to pay child support. By not getting an abortion she ruined both of our lives. I never got the chance to go to college and now I have to pay for the BURDEN’s college.
When do I finally get to go to college???? Enough is enough!! I pay so much child support that its impossible to go to school and work because I am supporting two households.
I could never afford to get married or have kids or go to college because of that damn BURDEN! Im almost 40 single, no house and have worked crappy jobs my whole life. I live in a shitty one bedroom apartment. When does this prison sentence end??
Sherry bager
I’ve had a boyfriend then became my husband because he drank and used recreational drugs and gambled on a regular basis and refused to work the first eight years we dated except seasonal work if it rained or snowed he didn’t go he didn’t pay school supplies, school fees, sports doctors office visits School clothes, school fees, school lunches, et cetera I could go on and But then when I get child support because of the gambling and it’s not going towards the children or towards the appropriate responsibility he now holds this against me and hates me after 20 years of being together from his choices of his life that he chose to be with he marries me so he don’t have to pay for child support anymore and then Wait to grown and then chooses to walk away like nothing even happened when it was his fault for not helping in the first place he never went to school conferences he never went to school plays never went to their sports hardly and when he did, he was drinking at the ballpark Never went to parties never And Family
SOOTHI HORTON
I am going to make these comments agree or disagree…doesnt matter. If a mother cannot make it without child support, dont give her custody. I flat out told the judge, at my lawyers anxiety, “give me the child, and I wont take a dime in child support.” Judge gave my daughter to the mom anyway. Proof that child support is for the mom, not the child. I am blessed because in minnesota, anything over 40 hours a week is mine. So I got a second job to make ends meet.
Here is the other part of this equation. I proudly served my country in the Navy. I found out that my ex was having an affair. Of course my reaction was to yell at her. She filed an order of protection stating I am an Iraq War Vet with Psychological issues. I proved to the courts I was never there. OFP granted anyway. To me, when you pull a stunt like that, you deserve nothing.
In the last child support battle, I hit back with cost of plane tickets, summer camp and giving me every other year the child tax credit. She backed off, but she will be back.
JESSICA WILLOCK
I’m so excited that my husband and I are back together, He is real and reliable to help you get back your lover back also he can be very trusted. he is 100% efficient and reliable.
Matt
no it’s not about the kids. she doesn’t work. trust fund baby. house phone car ect. all paid by her parents. she’s not contributing anything but a stay at 1950s mom er princess supported by daddy.
Matt
no it’s not about the kids. she doesn’t work. trust fund baby. house phone car ect. all paid by her parents. she’s not contributing anything but a stay at 1950s mom er princess supported by daddy. it’s about defending me keeping me working so I have less time with the kids