Can men and women be friends after a divorce? I think so. Not immediately, but over time, you might be surprised. But there’s one thing I think that keeps men and women at odds for a long, long time. It’s a source of resentment that breeds perpetual anger and bitterness. I’m talking about child support.
When someone has to hand over a child support check every month, a few things could be going on:
1. It can bring back the emotions of the divorce because it’s a monthly reminder.
2. It can cause financial anxiety.
3. It can make a person feel like divorce laws aren’t fair.
4. The person always kind of wonders if the child support check is really going to the kids.
5. The person might feel like the ex isn’t appreciative. So, he/she feels angry and resentful.
These child support issues go on for men and women in ALL financial situations. In other words, it’s not only in situations where people are struggling financially. I see it from very wealthy people. It doesn’t make a difference. Most people hate to pay for one reason or another. Which leads me to ask the ironic question…
Is paying child support really about the money?
Let me paint one scenario. A guy thought he and his wife and kids were relatively happy. The marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was okay. That was life. All of a sudden, one day, his wife says, “I want a divorce.”
He finds out she is in love with another man. The ground beneath the guy’s feet gives way. He now has to find an apartment and move out, not see his kids every night, AND the worst one, give his wife (who is happily in love and living with their kids full time) a check every month, otherwise he will be in violation of the law.
It’s pretty easy to see why he might be resentful. But, let’s look at it through the wife’s eyes. Maybe she was unhappy for years. Maybe she tried to get her husband to go to counseling and he wouldn’t go. Cheating is not justifiable. I’m not saying it’s perfectly OK to cheat and leave your spouse for another person. But child support isn’t about any of this.
Then there’s the situation where a wife was left by her husband. I see this a lot: at the beginning, the husband feels guilty and is happy to hand the child support check over to his soon-to-be-ex. But as the months go on, and the divorce progresses, he changes course and turns angry, bitter and resentful about having to give his ex money. He might say, “It’s been 8 months, she should have a job by now.”
He doesn’t realize the trauma and pain his wife is experiencing, and how hard it is to go from a stay-at-home mom to a working single mom.
I do want to clarify that these roles can be reversed. I don’t want to stereotype because every situation is unique.
The most important thing to remember is:
Child support is about innocent people: children.
Being a mom who received child support (and worked), I sometimes feel like ex-husbands think women are sitting around having a great time, collecting money, buying whatever we want and laughing about how great we have it. That was very much not the case for me, and for most divorced moms I know.
Now, I also know some moms who make no effort to work and feel entitled and still bitter about their divorce even if they are being paid a monthly amount of child support that is much more than they spend.
So, how can a couple reconcile child support and both feel good about the amount the one person is receiving?
If someone wants to feel better–less resentful and angry about giving his or her spouse child support, they might want to be more communicative and ask the spouse to talk about what he/she spends the child support money on. I’m saying communicate in a nice, courteous, productive way, not in an accusatory, judgmental way. Say, “I genuinely would like to know where this money is going, specifically.”
I have always wondered why divorced couples don’t have some kind of joint account in which each can see how the money is being spent. For example, each could have access to a ledger that both parents are using. Hockey skates: $200, Ballet lessons for April: $300, Doctor’s appointment co-pay: $35, etc. This way, each knows exactly how the money is being spent, and then attitudes completely change, the parents co-parent better, and they are kinder to each other, which has a huge positive effect on children. I think this kind of ledger should be mandatory by law!
Here’s the thing. Divorce (besides having so many other challenges) is expensive. It’s a financial stressor for most people. So, with financial stress and fear, comes anger and resentment.
But I hope people who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly child support check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children, and provide the best life possible to the people they love the most.
Sometimes life isn’t fair, and the child support check you pay or receive might not seem fair. If that’s you, I understand and I’m sorry you have to live with an injustice. My advice is to try not to focus on what you can’t control, and instead focus on your life and your happiness.
I do have something to say to the person who is getting the child support check, and I want the giver of the check to hear this, too:
I know it’s hard to go back to work. Trust me. I’ve been here. Here are the obstacles…
1. First of all, it was so so so hard to find that first job after not working for so long.
You should learn LinkedIn, and how to network and use social media to put yourself out there professionally. Plus, when was the last time you updated your resume? That’s really hard, too!
2. Secondly, it’s hard to find the right fit–for your lifestyle and being a mom and juggling it all.
I had a couple jobs where I worked for less than a month and it just didn’t work out.
3. Technology has all changed.
It is beyond intimidating to those who have been out of the work force for so long. But, I can tell you firsthand, it can be overcome.
4. Stay-at-home moms lack self-confidence when it comes to working.
If you think about it, being a stay-at-home mom is thankless with no pay and no recognition. That weighs on a person and causes them to lose confidence and self-esteem.
All this said, women who are divorced should not expect and assume that they can continue being a stay-at-home mom and live off child support and maintenance alone.
Divorce definitely has a price, and going back to work is often part of it. Sad, but it’s the truth. But, as someone who lived it, going back to work changed my life incredibly for the better, in many, many ways.
It feels so much better to make your own money versus collecting a check every month from someone else. And, it feels even better to do both! (if you are making a lot less than your ex, of course.) It’s extremely empowering to hold a job, and just wait until you get a raise or get promoted! Work gives people a sense of identity that is separate from the kids, and makes you feel confident and smart and great about yourself. Trust me, I lived this, and I was scared as hell to go back to work.
In closing, the thing I want to say to men (and women) who have to pay child support is, I know it’s frustrating when you have to give a check to your ex, especially if he/she left you, and who you know for a fact isn’t even looking for a job (again, in certain cases) because she just doesn’t want to work. And, if he/she is mean to you and you still have to pay, I would imagine it’s infuriating.
The psychological aspect of someone having to hand the ex a child support check every month is just plain old mentally unhealthy.
But next month, when you hand the person who broke your heart and ruined your life the child support check, try to remember that you are handing it to your children, not him/her. And, when he hands you the check, just say thanks. It’s nice to be acknowledged and appreciated, no matter the circumstances.
Like this article? Check out, “20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self”
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Mary
Let me just add that men are not the only one’s paying. I pay as a woman for equal time. 50/50 but because my income is greater, I pay. I also am remarried and he pays. So it’s a bit of a struggle.
Matt
I think it is even harder for some because they have to pay large amounts every month for their kids to live elsewhere and yet still provide a home for them for the 50% of time or less that they get with there kids. Often the amount paid far exceeds reasonable expenses.
Many men make huge sacrifices to provide for their families. It is hard to come to terms with that the fact they have often have to start over relative to those goals.
In my case, I struggle with knowing that the financial ramifications of divorce will significantly impact the ability to pay for my kids college.
Rebekah
I completely disagree. Flip this for a minute, because my ex is a control freak and alienates me from my son. I am a mother, no boyfriend. I sympathize with men due to being treated like a piece of shit parent. You feel as if you have no hope in your relationship with the child.
Brad
This issue cannot be painted with a broad brush, every situation is different.
I imagine I am not the only man who was generous in the divorce settlement, but now receives zero gratitude, month after month. It is mind boggling.
emily
Reading this made me feel a little better and more clarity. At this moment me and my husband are constantly fighting and we have 3 kids. I have worked several jobs over the years but thank you for helping me cope with this idea and knowing that I will be okay.
scottj
With all due respect that statement, “you are paying for you children” is bullshit. When you calculate the ACTUAL cost of what it takes to take care of a child, 99% of the agreements go well beyond that. I was never married to the woman and I have to pay an excessive amount. Here is what resulted. She bought a new car for HERSELF not the child, moved into a posh neighborhood and I had to file bankruptcy. The REALITY is a large portion does not go to the child but the mother who acquires assets for herself claiming it’s for the child. It’s made me bitter and not give a rats arse about anything. I see my children less and do what I want and the child barely knows me because of it. These excessive orders cause a wedge between many fathers and their children and it ultimately breaks down the fabric of family in this country. I live better now but that’s because I found a legal way to make some of the “apparent” assets or income not actual income so she can’t get her greedy paws in it. It’s sickening but that is the reality of most situations.
Liz
Calm down
Scottj
I am calm because I did something about it now.
Scottj
..and don’t tell me to calm down. I’m just speaking the truth lady and I think you know that.
Ken
What are you telling him to calm down for? He said nothing out of line.
Matt
He is calm. The whole system is gross and corrupt. It needs to be completely overhauled.
Kimber
Does she drive the children in that new car? Do you not feel better knowing you are helping so that your kids are in a safe vehicle?
Jackie Pilossoph
You are so right!
Maddy
Jackie you are a typical white woman unable to see outside your own privilege. It’s embarrassing for you and all white woman.
Scottj
No. You are typical. Excusing greed by confusing it with the concept with responsibility. Quite frankly I’m sick of hearing that same bullshit comeback because now days men know better. We know the underlying motive and quite frankly it’s disgusting.
Jason - Broken
@Kimber – the issue, is when they drive a new car, while our vehicle is repossessed. The issue is when they move into a posh new home, and are made homeless.
And then our lack of vehicle, lack of appropriate housing, have our already minimal amount of time with our children, further taken away.
And if you can’t see a problem with that….
Kimber
Kind of sounds like its your ego thats driving the wedge…you said that you gave up….you are upset about paying for the kids to be raised in a safe neighborhood with a safe vehicle, whats wrong with that? Get rid of the ego, pay to raise the kids, and go show them love. For crying out loud….raising kids is not cut and dry black and white….if you two were together, would you not want the new safe car? You would. So stop. Be happy for the kids….be happy with the kids. Just love them…and remember, you loved their mom once too, she has qualities that made you want to have children with. Respect her for being the one that bathes them, catches their hair when they are sick, gives hell to the teacher that allowed them to get bullied, and whether you believe it or not….she probably sticks up for you when she should just let the kids see you for the angry dude you are.
Scottj
Again equating greed with responsibility. Using it as an excuse. Kimber I’m not angry just telling the truth. I am assuming you were on the receiving end of a lopsided support order that you benefit from. All for the children right? Total and complete bullshit! I’m not angry because I used the law to do something about it in MY favor and reversed all of that crap. She ended up getting her flashy car re-possessed that was dependant on her receiving the excessive support order. I had that changed and now she gets CONSIDERABLY less and not living the high life off of me. I’m not a jerk. She does get a decent amount sufficient to take care of our child. My point is I’m not obligated to take care of her lavish lifestyle. Just the child. Sooner or later many of you women who are in it for the money for YOURSELVES will get that through your thick heads.
G-ma
My son’s ex buys stuff for her boyfriend and her oldest daughter that is not my sons. She never went after her father for support and my grandchildren don’t get NOTHING from the support money. They walk around in clothes from the thrift stores while she gets tattoos and her hair and nails and her and her boyfriend drink and party with the support money, while my sons power gets turned off because they take over 50% of his pay to give her. She scams the system, gets paid for daycare and works from home. This system is wrong. We NEVER get invited to any school events and she plays house with my grandchildren and this boy toy of hers.
Maddy
That pretty well sums up all divorced women, I’m sorry for you and your son.
scottj
Quite frankly, I think child support should be abolished. Simply because there is no way to be fair to everyone. It might not be the most gentle solution but it is the fairest simply because it’s impossible to make it fair for the ALL mothers who receive it and ALL the fathers who pay it.
Jackie Pilossoph
I have always thought they way to go is to set up a joint account that is just for kids expenses. Then, both parents can see exactly what the money is being used for. Not real sure why no one does that. It’s a no brainer.
Maddy
Because women like you would empty that account. It’s disgusting.
scottj
Agreed. If that happens, I am quite certain the excessive would be dramatically reduced once the “powers that be” finally see that the support payments are being repeatedly abused.
Brian
Everyone seems to assume that the wife was doing her share in the marriage. My ex was about as lazy as they come. I would cook the meals, do the grocery shopping, laundry, and house cleaning. I would play with the kids and take them to school in the morning while my ex stayed in bed. In addition to all of that I was the sole bread winner. I finally go fed-up with the situation and divorced her. The courts gave her the kids, child support and alimony because of her gender and all they saw was a stay at home mom. She stayed at home because she was too lazy to get out of bed. Explain to me how that is fair.
Jackie Pilossoph
it isn’t. at all.
Jason - Broken
In my case, I worked full time. She worked part time, mostly every other weekend. She moved her BF and his wife into the home.
I was derided by her, and in court for not doing my share of household chores. Mind you, there were four adults and I was the only one working full time and paying 90% of the bills.
I still washed dishes, folded laundry, was a devoted and caring dad (still am), cooked home made from scratch meals, often a few for the week. I’d come home at 11pm from work to dished piled as high as me and have to do them. No dinner for me. No leftovers even.
This was the treatment I endured. And now the courts empower her to continue abusing me.
Angelhair
I’m at the beginning of a very nasty divorce. I’ve been married nearly 20 yrs. About a year ago, my husband got furious at me for something very trivial. We’ve slept in separate rooms since then, but neither have filed for divorce. Recently, he told me he’s been dating and is in love with another woman. He makes 5x as much as me, but he refuses to pay child support! He thinks our two children should live with him and his new fiancee’ one week, and me one week. I said no way! He called me a selfish a gold-digger. It’s going to be a long, messy process!!!
Jason - Broken
Honestly,
They should… I believe the default should be 50/50 every week if both parents want. However, trust me, that won’t absolve him of child support. Just cause the kids spend 50% of the time with you doesn’t negate support requirements.
In many states, they add both incomes together. A percentage is deemed for the kids. And then that amount is divided between the two parents.
So if you made $20K/year, and he made $80K/year. They will add that together for $100K/year. State X percentage should go to kids, let’s say 40%. So in that case, $40K. Since you make 1/4th of what he does. Then you are obligated for 1/4 of that $40K, or $10K. Then he is obligated for $30K. Which would go to you as support. The calculation is more complicated than that. But you get the idea.
Now, if you’re only reason to refuse 50/50 custody is so you can have support. Than that is very wrong. Both parents should get equal access to their children.
CJ Stear
Why not want the best for your children? Being a female I would. If that means I move into a lil appartment, help and see my children as they are living a better life with thier father then I can provide why not? I know it be hard, maybe let the kids decide. I would sleep better knowing that they are well taken care of instead of trying to raise them off the state or never see them trying to work three jobs. I see nothing wrong with his intentions unless it’s greed motivated but I don’t think it is. I have a child and me and her dad have an agreement. I pay my bills, we split medical, schooling, etc. Plus we have a better relationship then when we were together. Hell, we borrow each other gas money at times even because well that’s my daughter dad he loves her and she loves him. I rather compromise then fight it’s better for her.
Jeff
I have 2 ex wives :0
The first got an attorney and was able to get full custody and child support. The second ex we worked together for joint custody with no child support and no lawyer’s. It is so much better on my second child. My first child tells me everything he comes over that he wish he could see me more and he wants to live with me. Thr court system is a money making machine. The reason that the courts push for one parent keeping the kids is because they can then charge for child support that goes through the State system. Once this happens then the State gets Federal matching at almost 1 to 1 which they can use as they want. This has turned into a multi-billion dollar industry for Layers and for each State at the cost of broken children. The whole child support system was originally setup for fathers who abandoned their kids, NOT for fathers who love and want to be a joint parent which is the vast majority. The child support family law money machine needs reformed.
Wes
There are many problems with your article. First of all, men ARE paying their ex-wives, NOT their children. Unless the court allows the father to pay the support directly to the child, he is paying his ex-wife. There is no accountability for the use of the money so you have no right to say the father is paying his children.
Secondly, you state that you are: “not buying whatever you want…” My ex-wife moved out 3 years ago after receiving custody of our 3 daughters. Since then she has purchased several different vehicles, a new hard sided camper (which we could not afford when we were married) and a house that cost $165,000. Her income from part time work is less than $17,000/yr. She is far from an exception.
I make more than 4X what my ex-wife makes but I can’t pay my bills because I am giving her almost 40% of my take home pay in so called “child support”. We spent about 10% on our girls when we were married. That covered ALL of their food clothing and medical expenses. If child support were actually support for the children, it would be a much smaller amount and you would find that many, many fathers would have no problem paying it.
One more quick item: It is not the fathers responsibility to pay for housing. The father already has a house/apartment. When the mother separates, she must provide her own housing and also housing for her children just like the father pays for his own housing and housing for his children.
Nick
An easy way to burn her in this situation if possible is to take a lower paying job and then ask the court to modify immediately seeking more time to spend with the kids as a reason, that way they wont compute some imaginary number where you fall behind.
Wes
Being from NY and recognizing that the court believes that the “Breadwinner” (Mother or Father) is nothing more than an ATM, you must also know that every family court judge is looking for this. Unless you can prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your transition to a lower paying job is completely out of your control, the judge will never lower that child support payment. They could not care less that you want to spend time with your children. NY courts have no concern, whatsoever, for what is best for the children.
Jason - Broken
That’s a great way to wind up in jail. If you do that, the court has zero obligation to lower your support payment.
dtosedr
You are so right and have a point
mayfield
I am currently in constant disagreement with my ex-husband/kids father. he has not had the most stable job history. he has never really worked and i have always had a full time job and supported him and our kids.he moved out of state in feb 2016 and has given me $150.00 per month which he feels should be enough help for me to cover childcare expenses, clothing, shelter and food for our two kids. he feels child support is for golf diggers and sluts which i have been called many times. i dont think its wrong for me to ask for help with our kids when i didnt make them alone so why should i take care of them alone? we will never see eye to eye and i constantly feel like crap every time we have to talk about money. i dont mind doing everything alone and i shouldnt have to either. i just hate that he feels he can do less as if i dont have bills to pay.
Nick
The point is completely being missed here, according to the courts your “moral obligation” to the child is purely financial, thats it. Visitation, having a healthy relationship or just plain being in the childs life at all is little to no concern to the court. Actually the less you see the child the more you pay so the custodial parent doesnt really have an incentive to let you see the children. Some states even force you to pay support till 21!! even if the ADULT is living at college and not with the custodial parent anymore (NY). Basically what im saying is that the NCP is just a human ATM machine, any time extra expenses come into question the NCP is only there to be hit up for more money. This teaches the child that your only relationship to the broken family is to PAY UP!! So thats why so many kids after 18 hit ol’ dad up for car payments, insurance, phone bills, tuition etc. “Mom says you have extra money now that your not paying her anymore I need help pops.” Just bail on them jokers its the best option sometimes.
Wes
I suggest that the point that is being missed is that custodial parents are not required to pay any child support – and they do not. The formula from the Child Support Standards Act (CSSA) (NY mind you) promotes the lie. It adds both parent’s income together, multiplies by the mandatory factor (which is several times more than what was spent on the children during the marriage) to determine the total amount of child support. Then it ratios the custodial parents child support right back out. The formula is nothing more than a fancy way of multiplying the mandatory factor by the non-custodial parents income to get their huge child support payment. The custodial parent’s income is completely irrelevant to the formula. The custodial parent can make $5 or $5 million dollars per year. It makes no difference.
I thought I was the first to think of it but Jackie beat me to it. A joint bank account is the answer. Firstly, both parents must pay their portion of the child support to a common point. Both parents then have legal ability to go to court if the other is not paying. This eliminates the ability of the custodial parent to constantly harass the non-custodial parent. Secondly, BOTH parents draw child support from the common account. Both parents have child related needs at their home regardless of how much time the children spend at their home. Full, written accountability for is required each withdrawal.
P.S. – My ex just bought an even bigger camper and my children have been moved four times in the last three years.
Matt
While I am sure you wrote this article with the best of intentions, the reality is that this article is ridiculously off base. I am not sure where you are getting your perspective from, but it’s completely not consistent with the way things really are.
The child support system cripples men. I don’t think you understand how many women do collect money and just sit on their asses (or at least do work and use it to supplement their lifestyle). I personally pay over $1100 to my ex every month, who is re-married in a 2 income house and she has majority custody (I still have them a healthy chunk of time). We had 3 kids together.
Do NOT tell me that all of that $1100 is for the children. That’s a politically correct spin on what amounts to legalized robbery. I have to work 2 jobs just to stay afloat, yet alone try to make any progress in life.
It’s wrong, plain and simple. The whole system is archaic, corrupt and wrong.
Women often get everything. The kids, new man and the money, and over 80% of the time the man doesn’t even want the divorce, it’s the woman who initiates.
Please re-think your position on this. You are operating in a fantasy world.
Matt
I would also like to add that when the roles are reversed, I have seen women victimized as well. I have a friend who just went through this, fortunately she and her ex were able to work out a much more fair agreement amongst themselves. While it can and does happen, this is by far the minority.
John ibbetson
Ridiculous post…..Men hate giving MONEY to a women when they thought they had a good family relationship until the ground beneath his feet shook while she was wh__ing around while he was unaware , of course …
Number 2 ,women who up and decide to just up and leave HOME WRECKERS becauseof their selfish decisions and put Dad and children through a maze of courts,seperations,emotional torture ,and then demand the highest amount of money from that individual is extortion but legal.
I pay child support for same reason , was being cheated on , thats fine .But come to find out my sons never get new clothes,sneakers ,anything for school activities and so forth,i pay for all that to ,i sacrafice and do without , but when i find out that
money i give is to help out new b.f. or to get nails,hair exstensions,tans,name brand clothes and my boys are constantly told no mommys broke it pisses me off. Happens alot.CHILD SUPPORT should be a sheet of paper filled out every week by mother of what the children need as if the parents were still together but not in a romantic way and the father should provide those for his kids based on the printed paper. Its not child support but women support when its cash or check,but when its clothing or shoes or anything other then entirely of cash then we can call it child support. Lot of exes and divorced moms living it up on their exes and new guys finances while the kids and fathers suffer the b.s. left behind by the selfish entiled feminist. Lets not forget child support and alimony was created yrs ago when most jobs were mostly for malesand women had to stay home and take care of kids and if Dad decided to take off he had to pay ,now a days its mostly the women taking off and ruining family lives across the country for their selfish needs and demands take all and cpurts feed off it like piranhas because family courts are raking in billions. When two people parent in a single house hold and the other parent says so and so needs sneakers ,either they go out to purchase them together or the parent gives up money for that item,but i no of no house hold where the wife demands a 1000 or more a month for children ,most men would be broke slaves,but when seperation is involved thats the case. Child support is where the father pays only and only for the child not for mommy or her own personal shopping sprees . THATS why men hate to pay it ,they know what most of it is going towards, 1000 dollars a month a 10 yr old and 4 yr old should be like mini Donald Trumps with yhe best clothes,sneakers,toys etc.But thats not the case but mom has all that GET REAL!
Kimber
Actually, you are wrong. The expenses of raising a child are not cut and dry, as you make it out to seem. I am disabled, and our children are disabled, he abandoned us….before he left, he said, “i will not stick around in town so that i can be your babysitter while you go on dates.”, and…he left….without a goodbye to the kids…in fact, he told all 3 of us to go f ourselves. He went two and a half years without paying a dime. I sent him money, and i sent him items to start him out there…why? Because he is diagnosed with a personality disorder, and i had no idea at the time that the man i thought he was never even existed…thats a true sociopath. He never called the kids, birthdays, holidays all went with no word. The children felt angry, and unloved. They already had issues prior to him leaving, and were exasperated when i needed support, and finally filed. At that point, he tried to claim alienation. Tried. Clearly, his actions spoke for themselves. The costs of raising children are intermingled with all costs…the car, insurance, rent, food, even entertainment….its all part of raising children…whether they or you, like it or not. If i need some respite, so that my parenting stays balanced, i have every right to take a few bucks, get a sitter, and go get a coffee, sit and read a book for 20. Why? Because remember…he will not babysit. Its easier for him to hightail it out of town, and pretend to someone else to be the oh so wonderful person…while he is gaslighting, manipulating, lying, cheating and never ever there when needed. I sure am glad he left though, both my children and myself are healthier for it. Now, excuse me…the kids need me. I will ask my daughter if she would like to go for coffee with me. Paid by support, because its called support…not a trust.
Scottj
Well your situation is not like most situations I have heard and came into contact with. So I sympathize with you. From the way you were replying sounded as if you “got rich” off of somebody. Clearly that doesn’t seem the case. However, regardless of any situation whether you were in a dysfunctional marriage or not; monetary support should not be dependent on that at all. Getting married is a huge risk because you never know if it’s going to be for better or for worse. Statistically it’s usually for the worse and people bail out. In many cases, not saying that your case, the father is demonized and gets the financial shaft up the arse will the mom laughs all the way to the bank.
Psycholobitch
ha! My ex was the one who decided he didn’t want to be married, and court is not expensive for HIM, it is expensive for his PARENTS, because they foot the bill for him. He is an immature slacker who needs people to freeload off of, and unfortunately, the system doesn’t see through him. He deliberately stopped working full time so he could wiggle out of paying child support, and has been successful. His not paying support goes deeper into financial bullying. I have asked him repeatedly to stop the court battle and that I would go to counseling with him but he refuses. Not that I have much faith that counseling could help a bully, but it sure would relieve me since I don’t have the endless pocketbook of rich parents that he does.
John Doe
This is bullshit. What the court system and women do to successful men is shameful and a disgrace. Always hollering about equal rights but but where are the men’s rights. Unlimited power from a government collection agency to fund women who have made irresponsible choices in life. Gimme a damn break. The whole system is a sceme to redistribute wealth. Take from citizen a to give to citizen b. If you can’t afford your kids then give them up.
Just stick
It’s all bull! It’s the feeling of entitlement and when I say entitled the parent who gets main custody gets an automatic (I’m a single parent guilt card)boo hoo wear it with pride not the other way. we are in a day of age where men and woman have equal rights to do and be what they wish. If you where a single parent for so long why did it never occur to you in all that time you should teach yourself or get taught some marketable skills if you didn’t that’s on you. That’s princess mentality for men or woman. You both as parents decided to have an oops or a planned child. I am a father who is there for his kids My ex she has full custody I take em to schoo,l watch the grades, teach them reality of life, teach them skills, lift them up in down times, etc I also pay over 800 a month sometimes up to 1200 a month. I have a full time job have 2 other side businesses. And support my ex, myself, and help others in business still have time for small vacations, bills, I put myself through college taught myself everything I know. Child support is for whiney parents who are not cut out to have a child they are given it because child support systems are to enforce a standard billing cycle to get state kick backs. They get $1.50 to 2.00 back from the fed for every dollar collected. oh and lawyers get there pockets lined as well. fighting is a profitable biz. Come on parents get it together keep your family out of courts I know most parents can’t handle themselves. most died at 25 and just keep ticking on in life after that and never really try to better themselves physically, mentally and spiritually. I even offered my ex I would take kids all or 50/50 of time and pay her 100.00. Month for life.IN COURT of course she declined. I got the same bills, same house set up to pay for, car, insurance, the same things every adult has to pay for any ways. Maybe we all should just be judged by the government when we are born who is not gonna be able to take care of themselves and then make some person pay them a monthly check because they are raised in believe they deserve it. To me that says your not adequate here is a check. I say all parents are adequate enough to learn grow and be responsible. How about if the other parent doesn’t step up you made a bad decision own it and go be a kick ass parent. Life sucks wear a helmet or something. Stop the dang princess syndrome men and woman around.
All in all .leave state and or government out of your family because they don’t care and they will ruin you both and both parents will compound that effect when the courts are done with your family. Get smart, be awesome, and your children will duplicate that.
The end
Danyel
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Lee
I can totally see both sides of the coin but have to say that Child support is very essential for some families as unfortunately some people are abusive and not fair which would result in children suffering. As the author highlighted it’s really crummy for those paying through the nose, and struggling to do so, when they were the losing party in the relationship. But in my situation my child would greatly suffer without Child Support payments…my ex fiancé and I were engaged, thus planning our wedding and seemingly happy in our co-owned home until he one day abandoned me at 5 months pregnant for his mistress. On top of leaving me broke with a reduced salary ( I was on preventative leave) he also left me in the house ghosted and having to sell the house and find an apartment to live in…I moved when I was 8 months pregnant. He promised my forever and left me when I needed him the most and my poor daughter was born into this. I make half his salary and am struggling on maternity leave…every penny he gives me is owed and very needed for my daughter. I won’t let her suffer because he was an irresponsible bastard.
Wes
But we are ignoring that the child support itself is abusive and not fair and leads to child suffering. You are identifying an unfair event that happened to a woman once for every nine unfair events that happen to fathers. You went to the law and had full support to demand a huge amount of money from your ex. The nine of us whose wives walked out on us with other men have absolutely no protection under the law.
It is not “crummy”. It is “abusive” and “not fair”. We want our kids and we cannot get custody. We worked full time and then came home to care for all of our children, while our wives only took care of the infants that weren’t in school yet. Our wives took off on us in the evenings and weekends while we stayed at home and took care of the children. Then, when we go to court and fight for our children, the judge and attorney for the children lie about what an “admirable job” our wives have done raising the children.
Why is it that a man is an “irresponsible bastard” because he lies to you and walks out on you but a woman who does the same thing is “open minded” and a parent who has done an “admirable job”?
Oh yes, my ten-year-old still cries because she cannot be with her father. My daughters do not have the life-style that they should have because my ex is busy spending ½ my income and hers on herself but that is excused. True, my children have fancy ipods and expensive toys but they don’t have a parent who can help them with their math homework.
How about we contact our politicians and demand that those who walk out on us pay the price instead of those of us who remained faithful? How about we demand that men are parents and deserving of custody when they were getting up early to earn an income that supports everyone and COULD NOT SPEND TIME WITH THEIR CHILDREN because somebody had to feed the family?
Fine, punish the man who walks out on the mother and the children. Just make sure you punish the woman who walks out on her husband and demands custody of the children so she can get a big paycheck.
Brian
This article and this woman is ridiculous! Institutional bias against men is clearly okay with her. Be happy to pay your child support because it takes care of your children. Such rubbish! Obviously she hasn’t considered that fathers might want to take care of the kids themselves. That just because their relationship didn’t work out that the mother isn’t automatically entitled to more than 50% custody. That in a case of 50% custody no money should change hands at all, whether one makes more than the other or not.
If women want to be equal, they have to wake up to the fact that it means they have to take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and that means paying the bills for their own home and for the kids when they are at their home. They are not entitled to be taken care of indefinitely by their husbands or ex-husband regardless of what they do. The mere thought is disgusting. The fact that men buy into it blows my mind. If you decide to take your kids and try to kick their dad out of their lives with some bullshit story then you should be thrown in jail. I’m tired of women getting treated like they aren’t adults and don’t have to take full and real responsibility for their actions. Time to put on the big girl panties and wake up to what equality really is. You should not even consider demanding child support at all if you had a clue. You’d realize what a child you were being by demanding money from your ex like some spoiled yuppy college kid. How disgusting!
Scottj
It looks like Ms. Pilossoph opened up a HUGE can of worms. A lot pissed of Dad’s on here. 🙂
Nate
Oh I’m on your side, the system is set for dads to fail and to feed the courts money machine
Richard
My child maintenance payments stop in 6 months time. I had 4 children with my ex-wife and the last child completes higher education in the summer 2017. My ex-wife has never really worked or been driven enough to educate herself or find a job that can help support our shared position. The onus has always been on me the absent parent to pay regular child maintenance plus other costs like school vacations, clothes, books, electronic devices, computers, bikes etc. She never contributed and never spent any of the money I gave her directly on my child, but used it to help pay bills – how do you make someone stand-up and be counted? The result was that I ended up paying much more, (1) to supplement rent, and (2) child maintenance. It’s funny that the Government reduced her housing benefit by almost the same amount that I paid in child maintenance, so was I really paying child maintenance, or just off-setting some Government expenditure. Either way divorce is a messy business for all parties emotionally and financially. I do like Ms Pilossoph’s suggestion about having a child maintenance bank account, at least parents can see where the money goes and know that the money will actually be spent on the child.
Scottj
The key to not getting screwed like you did is to marry your educational and financial equal. I was told that at an early age by a woman believe it or not. If I would have married my kid’s mom, I would have been worse off. I’m glad I dodged that bullet. In fact that was the core reason why I didn’t marry her and I told her that. I told her I would marry her once she gets educated and has her own money that is at least close to what I can potentially acquire.
woody woodpecker
Easy solution. The one with the biggest imcome keeps the kids and hires an au-pair to watch them. And if it is the husband, then he gets a cute, petite 19 yo icelandic girl to watch his kids and for him to bang. And the 38 yo hag of an ex wife can work at Walmart and date cletus the slack jawed yokel.
Child Support is UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!
If the man has the money, he keeps the kids.
End of story!!!
Matt
Women want to be treated the same as men right? So let the go to death row like men and let them lose the huge advantage in court in custody.
Flex
I totally agree that the child support system is greedy. The courts don’t allow enough time with our kids. What I’m thinking about doing is going to federal court and suing for my constitutional rights being violated because I am being denied visitation even though I am a fit parent, pay support, have no drug offenses or abuse allegations. The mother of my daughter continues to deny me access and even been in contempt before yet they don’t enforce my previous visitation orders. We men got to start protesting
David
The article is all bs. The author is clearly biased .I understand some men are irresponsible and do not comply with the obligations, but that not always the case. The author portraits women like victims .I’m a divorced man that pays child support on time every single month. Furthermore, I’m paying 20 % more of what the court actually calculated because I was feeling guilty( I was the one who left her).
. My ex wife keeps asking for more money in addition to the child support. She plays guilty saying that my daughter needs this or that. She makes comments to make me feel the worst father ever. She remarried and now she is constantly saying that her husband has to pay for our child expenses.On top of that she bought a big house, changes her car every year, is constantly travelling while I have two jobs in order to support myself. She kept our house at the moment of the divorce to rent it out months laters and to buy a bigger one. Unfortunately in Florida laws favor mothers always.
sally
No you shouldn’t have to be grateful that your ex is paying to support his children . The main carer has to pay for the bulk of things for them and they do it automatically out of love not as a chore. Unless you are equal and sharing 50/50 you have no complaint. The system fails stay at home parents that usually give up a career to look after kids and this enables the other partner to get promotions in their career. I wonder how far these people would have got if they shared time with the kids equally when they were married. Probably they would earn less but be happier. Until stay at home parents are given the respect and wage they deserve they will always be poor after a divorce. Until you carry a baby in your belly for 10 months, give birth and nurse it, give up a career and designer anything just to make sure someone else is fed, clothed and happy you will never understand or treat that person with the respect they are due. My ex stands there with his rolex , porsche and 21 year old girlfriend taking selfies on their luxury holidays and writing nasty messages on social media about the mother of his children and thinks he is entitled to leave me and his kids live in poverty. We can’t change selfish people but we can change how stay at homw parents get treated with a new law . Pay these women and men a wage because they will need it to pay for the court cases to try to get justice and let their kids not live in poverty after divorce! I was a stay at home mum and I also ran a business – the judge gave my ex thd business so he could support our kids. He cut all contact with them and now thinks he doesnt have to pay child maintenance. Each case is different but all stem from treating stay at home parents like dirt.
Jackie Pilossoph
very good perspective! You sound like a wonderful mom. xo
Wes
It is a little difficult to share the children 50/50 when no judge will allow that to happen. I fought for custody of my children but was not allowed to have them. When I tried to get them each weekend, I was not allowed. This was after I worked all day and then came home to take care of our daughters from the marriage and my wife’s three children from a previous marriage. She took off to play with her adult friends while I worked and took care of the children. She took off on the weekends while I took care of our children. She ran with her boyfriends all weekend. Yes, I was the one at home with our 6 month old in a traction frame all Memorial weekend while my ex was out camping with another man. No, I would not have been anywhere else except next to my precious infant with her legs tied up to weights, lying on her back 23 hours per day. Forgive me but I have a little difficulty having respect for such a “stay-at-home” parent.
When mommy won’t put her per diem income into the joint bank account that supports our children but instead redirects it into her own personal bank account, I have a little problem with that stay-at-home parent, especially, when I am expected to put my income in the “common pot”. No, I do not respect “stay-at-home” mothers who spend twice as much money on gas each month as dad, who drives 15 miles to work one-way, because she is bored, running to the store 4 or 5 days a week to spend, spend, spend.
Everyone would love to give up their career and sit at home. I certainly would love to stay at home all day and wait for my girls to get home after school. Please explain why my wife got mad when I suggested that we switch? I would be ecstatic to stay home while my wife got up and went to work all day. That “sacrifice” is a “no-brainer” for anyone.
Nate
Move to Texas you’ll get anything you want
Jason - Broken
I spent close to $25K fighting to continue 50/50 custody. During which, I still had to pay my ex several hundred a month despite her earning more an hour than me, because she chose to work part time.
Doesn’t matter…I had a penis. That was all the courts needed to know. The fact that eldest had difficulties with mom. The fact that the two eldest expressed a clear preference for father. The fact that mother mimicked and mocked our son during custody evaluation and made physical contact with our youngest. The fact I have an audio recording of my then 3 year old daughter saying “mommy choked me”. Or a drawing from my eldest that “mommy sits on me”. Nor the fact my ex recently had the cops called on her for child abuse at a local park. Doesn’t matter….
I could go on….
But the end result is it would only make me want to go “Fight Club” style on the courthouse. And honestly, I think that is what it is going to take sadly, before us dads see any change and equity.
Brandon
You have no idea what its like from a mans perspective. 1. They had to make a whole new court system which does not guarantee your constitutional rights. This in itself is grounds to NEVER honor their decision. Especially as a vet whos lost a lot, including their mind and friends to preserve a system we thought was equal, fair and constitutional. To come home to a broken marriage and be forced to attend a non constitutional court system in which statistically women win 94% of all the cases. 2. It involves strangers in your relationship even with your kids, often having to get court appointed person to watch the man that is truly the father.. you must be kidding. There is no system to ensure the money is actually spent on the children. Your x screws new men, and you have 0 choice in what type of role model or beliefs or race or anything that your kids get to be with as a father figure day in and day out since getting custody for a man is stacked 94% against you. You realize you make enough money to get full custody and not pay bitch a single dime, but the court of course makes money from child support so that never happens, turning it into an unfair decision more akin to alimony. You realize women being convinced to dine on rotating dick buffet and not work hard to keep a fam together is a globalist plot to unite women and minorities against white males and traditional americana and hence is why all feminists are funded by the left. You realize you were a pawn in a scheme, your youth was taken by military deployments and now what you thought was a loving wife is just a ratchet hoe, bringing shady fools around your kids as your forced to pay her. You go into a depression spinning a revolver every night knowing the court and any help is stacked against you, during this depression you are a couple months late on cs, and your drivers license is revoked, a 65% garnishment put on your pay, and you cant afford to save for car repair, a lawyer to defend yourself, or anything. You realize this is unconstitutional as well since you have paid taxes on these roads you can no longer drive on all your life, and you in fact own your own vehicle. You realize with a 65% garnishment you will soon be homeless and are forced to move in with friends or family, or borrow money from them to pay this ratchet whore who ruined your life and stole your kids. You begin considering fast ways to make money which could put you in jail, but its appealing because if you cant pay you are threatened with jail anyway.
A.R1
“globalist plot to unite women and minorities against white males”
I agreed with you up until this point, this makes it so that you deserve what happened to you.
However, I will say, it is a punitive system, that does not take into consideration the cost of “living” for all parties involved. It assumes that the payee has disposable cash, and can simply “move on” and “start over.” which the life style they led, which is the furthest thing from the truth.
HawkGirl21
My husband doesn’t mind paying child support and doesn’t mind buying things for his children, but he does mind when his ex wife demands that he buy clothes and shoes for her house (we buy all clothes and shoes for our house because she refuses to send any with the children when they come every other weekend), because those things are supposed to be covered by child support. He also minds when she demands he pay his child support early and when he says no, she tells him he’s only doing that because he hates her and doesn’t care about his children. Finally, he also minds getting demands for money for expensive sports and activities that he did not agree to, since he has joint legal custody and joint legal decision-making over sports and activities. In addition, when he proposes sports or activities to which he will take the children, his ex wife refuses to pay. I should also mention that his ex wife makes more than he does (their breakdown for costs above child support is 70/30, with her being responsible for 70%), but you would think that his not paying early or not buying extra shoes and clothes was confining his children to a life of poverty. It honestly seems like it’s just about the money for her. It’s sad when a mother can create drama in her children’s lives because she hasn’t moved on and just wants to stick it to their father (and she requested the divorce after she met someone else, so she shouldn’t be the bitter one).
Lori
My daughters dad started cheating on me right after I had her, he then went on to start a brand new family with the woman. They had a new baby, he bought a new home with her, taking the family on vacations to mexico every year. Meanwhile he hasn’t seen our daughter since she was 2 months old and hasn’t even so much as called since just after her first birthday… shes now going on 5 years old. All his choice mind you, I never tried keeping her from him because that was my life growing up and I never wanted that for my daughter.
He fought me for 3 years on paying child support before I ever saw a penny and even now its never on time. So you see, every story is different and some times the “deadbeat dad” label, is well deserved.
Wes
We need to stop lying. It is a lie to pretend that the current, gender-biased, sexist, “abuse-of-men” laws are justified. Once again we have the story about the father who abandon his daughter and does not pay child support. I know of one man who left his wife and children. I never met him. He is the ex of a good friend of mine and yes, I believe that he did so. I do not personally know even one man who left his wife and abandoned his children. On the other hand, I can name numerous women, that I know personally, that have walked out on their husbands.
How much child support did you pay those 5 years compared to how much your ex was court-ordered to pay? Now that he is paying child support, how much are you court-ordered to pay? When you receive the child support, do you make sure that it goes into a separate account that is ONLY spent on your daughter? Remember that children don’t buy houses, parents do. None of that money goes to your mortgage, right? Your daughter only adds a small amount of additional expense to your utility bills. Do you only take out the difference between what you used as a single parent and the additional, small amount that can be attributed to your daughter? She rides in your car, right? Children don’t buy cars. No, you do not need a fancy, new car just because you have a daughter now.
“Deadbeat” is a term appropriate for every parent that is not court ordered to pay child support. If you cannot prove that you are putting just as much money in the pot as your ex, then you are a “Deadbeat”. It is not the “fathers” responsibility to pay child support. It is both parents, equal responsibility.
And once again we need to say that it is the woman walking out on the man at least 3 to 1. Stop pretending that is the man who leaves the majority of the time. It is feminists that demanded the “no-fault” divorce laws. It has always been the women who have walked out on the men and it is women who demanded that they no longer have to prove grounds for divorce because they rarely had any. Now that men are using the law against women, kicking “Deadbeats” to the curb, you are suddenly all upset.
Nate
Texas Harris county courts are a joke and the worst in the nation on gender favoritism, they believe 100% of the woman & all dads are deadbeats in there eyes , I’ve paid 15yrs so far and I’m scum to them, I have to file bankruptcy , been kicked out of 3 apts, lights get turned off & cant afford to live yet can’t get welfare because I make to much money while my X is on housing, good stamps, & Medicaid yet I pay 500$ monthly for family insurance, also take me to court religiously , the courts calculations are a joke and not set for real life , I can live under a bridge & as long as I’m paying could care less, it’s the ones actually paying & care get worst end of the stick while deadbeats get cases dismissed, something has to change in our nations calculations to accomidate each circumstance , one mans situation isn’t the same as the next, I make ok money but I’m poor, then I’m abset in my sons life because not only will she comply or assist in meeting me, lives a state over & all I do it work to stay out prision , monthly I ask myself where will I go once I get yo far behind on this rent too? WE need to stand together to make changes
Jonathan
What you’re not getting is that “Child Support” has absolutely NOTHING to do with the CHILDREN. It has EVERYTHING to do with extracting/stealing Money from Fathers. It works by stroking the Weakness/Ego of “grown up girls” who want to be “Divas” like on The View or Oprah. It’s about preventing parents from being parents. “Parents” discuss and make agreements, and sometimes disagree with “Yes, No, Sure, Maybe” for what are the best decisions for their children. When you FORCE a parent to automatically pay/support ALL the decisions of the other parent, that discussion can’t take place… It may seem to make things easy in the short run, but being a parent under the circumstances isn’t good for most in the long run. Ladies need to quit being “Divas” and DIVORCE this corrupt Court System and let Father’s decide what’s best for their own children. I understand that there are exceptions, but those exceptions should be where the courts get involved, and the Courts With a Jury should listen to their case. That would be the Legal and the Constitutional way… But these “Divas” do not care about the Law or the Constitution or our Right to decide what’s best for OUR Children.
Jason - Broken
i Jackie Pilossoph,
Could it be, because based on
1) No, we are NOT giving our children child support. You see, just because we’re divorced. Doesn’t mean we don’t need to provide for our children. The difference in costs of raising the kids every other weekend and weekly visitation is surprisingly not much less.
– I still have to buy them clothes, coats, shoes, etc
– I am still paying their medical, and a higher portion of it too.
– I feed them dinner 3.5 nights a week, and since a number of those a brief 90 minute visitations at dinner time, it often means I am paying to eat out if I want to do anything with my kids. So my food costs are not much different than yours.
– I still need to pay for a place to live. And since I have the kids those two weekends, I need a place with adequate bedrooms for them. Having an efficiency or 1-bedroom isn’t viewed as adequate housing, so us dads either have the same living costs or lose access to our children.
So that money you say is for the kids, essentially takes away the money we have for our kids. Furthermore, I didn’t choose this divorce.
2) “In my case, I am working harder than I ever have in my entire life” Congrats…in our case, we are working harder than we ever have in our entire life, the difference? We don’t get to see the result of our efforts. We don’t get to see our kids grow-up. We work our butts off, earn a good living, and yet hang on the precipice of homelessness.
3) “But I hope men who read this will think about the fact that when they give their ex that monthly check, they are giving it to them so that they can house, feed and clothe their children.”
Perhaps your situation is not at all like others….
In my situation, I am paying about twice as much in child support as I should be paying. My ex, works part time as an RN and while doing so made the equivalent of $63K. I had to fight for a year to get them to raise her imputed income level from $50K. That’s right, they calculated her full time earnings potential $10K less than what she has made part time.
Meanwhile, my several hundred dollar a month commute is not deducted or factored into support.
My ex, who used her working part time every other weekend and picking up a few shifts claiming to rarely use daycare, then turned around and tried to claim $15,000 in daycare costs as a part time worker.
We originally had 50/50 custodialship. While I earned more a year at that time, she was actually earning more an hour. And despite my paying the mortgage and having higher daycare costs, I was obligated to pay her several hundred a month.
When I claimed daycare costs, I was required to provide contracts, signed statements from my private sitters, and then told I had to provide a history of payment. My ex, merely provided some hand written notes from friends.
My ex was also given 2 out of 3 tax deductions our first year. When logic, would have dictated that I receive the 2 tax credits the first year (as I made more annually, and she had taken time off and had reduced income, while the following year she would have more income). Instead, the court gave her the 2 income tax credits. Why? Because they knew that by the time the next year rolled around, she would be given custody. Now she claims all three tax credits for her part time income. I make significantly more than her, as I work full time and she chooses to continue working part-time. So I would receive far more benefit from the tax credits. Instead, I have to pay massive a amount of tax because the IRS views me as a single high income wager earner. The fact that I am supporting three children doesn’t get factored in.
While my ex left with the savings, I got left with all the debts. I do get a meager $140 mortgage deviation.
While I am pushed to the brink of bankruptcy and homelessnes, my wife has enough free income to repeatedly bring me to court, file lawsuits against our former marital counselor, and utilize the court as a tool to control and abuse me.
So what is our situation? Presently, I pay nearly $1,800/month in support. My vehicle was repossesed. My home is being taken away. My health is in decline.
My ex, is has earned the equivalent of over $60K working part time. She pays nearly no taxes on that due to the three deductions. She also receives over $21K from me tax free as child support. And has received an additional $2K or so for the costs of therapy and medical appointments for the kids. Please note, that the is $23K “net income”, which equates to about $27K of my gross income.
Think about that for a moment. My wife is essentially living on $83K a year AFTER TAXES!!! That’s $7,000/month….granted, she’s probably lowered her hours and is making less. Since she doesn’t need to work as much when she’s taking half my money. And our kids are all school age. So NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I am not paying to support my children. I am paying so my ex can continue living without ever having to work a 40 hour / 52 week job.
Okay, so it gets better. My wife has bought a house with her BF. He is works from home as an IT engineer for a major national bank. He has custody of his kids. So add to her $80K net income a second really good salary and child support from his ex-wife. Wow….what a racket.
So excuse me if I am pissed. As I am forced out of my house, forced into bankruptcy, and sleep in my van in parking lots a few nights a week cause I can’t afford the gas to commute. And if I can’t provide a home viewed as acceptable to the court and my ex-wife, then I could lose my every other weekend custody with my kids.
And in all of this, if my 15+ vehicle breaks down, or I have a hiccup with my health (and I’ve been having several); then there goes my job. If I lose my job, I wind up in jail for falling behind on child support. And NOOOO that doesn’t just happen to deadbeat dads. It happens to many dads.
So apologies, but you are COMPLETELY WRONG… us fathers have EVERY RIGHT to be irate, angry and upset. The family court is punitive. It does NOT act in the best interest of the children. It wipes out families savings. Enables abusive individuals to continue to abuse and control their ex spouses.
Meanwhile, I am still regularly sent abusive messages, denigrated. My ex actively seeks to accomplish her goal, as she stated to my mother. She would have everything, the kids, love, and money. And I would be left with nothing. That is her goal. And the damnable court system has only further enabled her on that path.
Lastly, there are no resources for us dads. We have no support. This is why so many of us are committing suicide. Around 7-8 out of 10 suicides are men, and a very high portion are divorced fathers.
Done with whiny men
Men if you can’t keep your penis in your pants get ready to pay child support! I worked hard as a stay at home mom. He wanted me to stay home and do everything it was our choice together! So he gets bored and starts banging his twenty something year old co worker! No I did not let myself go I’m still relatively attractive. I let him have anytime he wants with the kids and he admitted he only wants more time because of the money! He and the whore are pieces of garbage! I have no guilt about child support and the loser should be paying more! Cry me a river you loser porn addicted men who just want the kids for money! You made your bed lie in it! No you shouldn’t get 50/50 when you did not care enough not to run off with a whore and then decide it’s time to be a dad gtfoh!
Wes
Sorry, I am going to keep confronting this lie.
WE are the 75% to 90% of the divorces where our WIVES where the ones who were out cheating on us. Our wives won’t work because they are lazy deadbeats, not because they are unable or uneducated.
WE cannot get custody of the children that we supported and love and want to be with when we get home from work just like we did while our wives ran off to be with their gigolos. Yeah, WE are dads right now, while our ex-wives are busy running from relationship to relationship.
WE love our children. We are not pursuing custody for money because we work and earn our money already. We were supporting the kids in the first place, which is why we are actually more likely to pay our child support than our female counterparts. If custody should go to the parent who did not cheat on their spouse, then we MEN should be the ones who get the kids 90% of the time.
Yes WE did engage in a sexual relationship with our wives and we did have those children together with them. All we ask is that YOU pay YOUR HALF of the child support, use the child support for the children and stop making the porn that men are so addicted to. Perhaps you could chat with that “twenty something year old co worker” and tell her to stop seducing men at the office. Please explain why YOU aren’t the ones who have to lie in the beds YOU make.
Christopher
A comment written for young men (16 to 30) …this IS the type of blog you should be reading BEFORE even thinking about having any kind of sex! The bottom line is, KEEP it in your pants guys! I would even tell married guys the same…KEEP it in your pants!
FEELING THE HATRED MOMENT....
Wow! So many disgruntle responses but yet, I can relate and understand many of them.
My ex and I have an 11/8 yr old. We were engaged but never married. I’ve tried on numerous of occasion to be civil with him for our children sake. I’ve adjusted my schedule (bring my children to work or take leave) so he’s able to accomplish a few things and work OT. I am a career woman who has worked since my high school days. I’ve been more than understanding and accommodating but he has been taking advantage of the situation. Like most martial/relationship situation, infidelity/ cheating seems to be the common results of divorce/break-up. It took me sometime to settle my feelings. Yes, my heart was torn, but I’ve learned to set aside my feelings of hatred towards him and thought about our children. As long as he contributes his share, remain in communication (only for the kids’ sake), I don’t want anything else from him. That includes child support. If he would have pushed the issue of child support, I would end up paying him to care for our children that I have majority of the time. What kind of bullshyt formula is that?! I am being penalized because my income is high?! I can relate to some of how those who are paying child support feel.
Unless my kids aren’t in harm ways, they have every right to know and form their own opinion about their father. I’m not going to take that away. He initially had visitation every other weekend then he started to show interests of being their father; spending time, financially assisting with their needs, being reliable. The result of that, I’ve agreed to share custody, 50/50. We’ve been exercising it for the past several years. Like every situation, it has its ups and downs. The result of his anger is costing me a significant amount. It has been for the quite some time. I’ve addressed it but he refuses to accept it. I’ve expressed my concerns, addressed his portion of the children bills are due (i.e., medical, dental, ortho), our children sporting activities (i.e., baseball, basketball, volleyball, soccer) but refuses to pay.
It is his doing to lose his Naval career of 20 years to fraternization (there’s has to be more than what he told me) with a few months prior to retirement. He was given multiple chances with great, paying opportunities but continues to let his anger get the best of him. With the recent situation, he not only lost a good paying job, he has lost his high level clearance. Also, is barred from any government installation. Now, he’s on state assistance and wants child support from me?! I am not a hateful person but clearly, he’s pushing me in the direction to do so.
We will seek the walls of the judicial system to request child custody modification. I’ve given him many chances but refuse to help. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve given my lawyer so much of my earnings because my ex refuses to take responsibility. I am mentally exhausted to where it affects me physically. On top of that, I have a career that requires my attention as well.
Wes
Thank you for sharing. I have been waiting for the rare case where the mother has the income and the father is the deadbeat who won’t work.
The details here are a bit unclear. It would be great if you could clarify. If I understand this right, you have 50/50 custody, your ex has no job and is on assistance and you are working full time, making a decent income. If that is correct, in New York, you have lots of money and he has none. Therefore, you pay for everything and he pays nothing. Sorry!
This is EXACTLY what we are complaining about. We were the faithful husbands who were there for our families and our wives were the ones who chose to sit on their rear-ends. Now they want to run off with someone else and expect us to support them. Oh, and they take our children from us. We were not bad fathers, but we cannot get custody of our children because the laws and the judges specifically take the children away from the “monied spouse” and give them to the “non-monied spouse” so they can justify raping the working spouse to support the deadbeat.
Unfortunately, we are by far and away the majority. While the number of mothers who are the monied spouse is increasing, they are still very few overall. Basically, you are a women acting in the traditional role of the man while your ex is acting in the traditional role of the woman. I don’t know about your state but here in New York, you may go to court but you would not like the outcome. He has more time to spend with the kids and you are working so the court would likely increase his custody, reduce your custody and award your ex a large portion of your income in so-called “child support”.
Personally, I am not sexist. I want the laws changed to be 50/50 custody with each parent supporting the children in their own home. No money should ever pass from one parent to the other. All ancillary expenses like the children’s medical expenses, sports or things that are not part of the household should be split 50/50. There is no need for any kind of “formula”. The formula is: “You are a parent, take care of the children in your home 1/2 of the time and pay your half of the ancillary expenses.”
Jim
What a series of lies. If the money the court compels me to pay my ex wife is for “child support,”, then why doesn’t it go into an escrow account where I and the court can audit and monitor the spending of the money? I’d be smiling too if I were my exwife. My ex has lied continually to the court without consequence. So, please spare me the downtrodden “I’m a single mom just struggling to support my children” b—-t. Funny how the man she was screwing my bed doesn’t owe a dime. It’s a lie through and through.
william
this woman that wrote this is a idiot. the women use the child as a weapon to hurt the father thru no visitation, co parenting , communication etc. if they see you happy they come after you. I have been forced out of my daughter’s life and I still get harassed on child support paying 1500 a month for 1 kid. really!!! you bitches suck
Dj
Stay st home moms srgh with teenage kids what the heck? I left my soon to be ex wife her dream was to be a stay at home mom. My dream is to not give her squat and pay off a new house once we are divorced. Problem I have is I supported her and the kids on one income 12 years. That’s around half a million of my net income. I want half of it back since she’s asking for 66% of my net take home for medical, support etc. she needs to get that job she sent me summons the day she did not get my direct deposit. She knew the ride was over.
She now works retail making 2k a month net I make 2700 net. I will not pay period, if she pushes and it garnishes my check I will be checking out with my dead body on her back seat with a note why and she knows I will do it. She’s just about the money, I feel bad for the next guy she screws over.
Chelsea strunk
An active father should not have to pay child support, period. He has to take care of the child too. do it your damn self.
J Money
There should be a set amount of child support per child per country, regardless of parents income. If in Thurston county they find that it is $350 to provide a roof, electricity, water, sewer, garbage, food, clothes and medication for a child, then they divide 350 in half and each parent is responsible for their half (with a bump in August for school supplies and clothes) . Parents equally split childcare and insurance/ copays as they are additional. They amount should change with the child’s age and with local economy fluctuations. I get 126 bucks a month (her first 13 years I got nothing, not a penny). I have a 17 year old with ashtma, a dust allergy, depression and is learning to drive. 126 bucks doesn’t cover anything. I am not trying to get rich, I’m taking responsibility and so should her biological dad. How much money I make doesn’t change the price of allergy injections or milk. So why does daddy’s income change his obligation? Child support is valid and necessary but the system is antiquated. When dads don’t work so they don’t have to pay for the child they created (cause those dads most defiantly exist and are garbage), I can’t write “dad is still unemployed” on a piece of paper for my rent… nah, I gotta still pay the bills. If daddy still had to pay the bills, maybe he’d get off his butt like us moms are, and handle his responsibilities.
The guy gloating that he got his baby mamas car repossessed, something his children also went though, is pretty gross. Children feel the shame and embarrassment that their parents go through when you lose a car or get evicted. Who would brag about emotionally screwing with their kids over a few bucks? That is the second worst kind of coparent. I had a friend bitching that her baby daddy wanted more child support because their daughter was going to college, that dad was just greedy greedy greedy and he was upset because she didn’t pay for any of the graduation expenses, the party or the gifts. But she was too broke! She was so poor, why couldn’t be understand that? He’s so greedy….. meanwhile in the same month she bought 2 purebred puppies, went on vacation in Vegas, hired a personal trainer and bought a bunch of new gear to compete in body building competitions. She was singing that “I’m so broke” song too. Electric bills don’t give a crap about your sob stories.
Liz
I am a woman, and was the breadwinner in our marriage of 15 years. He stayed home with the kids, but when they got older still wouldn’t get a job to help with finances. Then, he cheated multiple times. So, I got out of the toxic relationship. By that time my income was higher and he still wasn’t working so nearly half goes to him as alimony. Then additional as child support. Though he is able bodied and was the one who stepped out of the marriage. It is very difficult to get past the resentment. I worked hard, was faithful. He wasn’t and now is rewarded very well financially for not working and for cheating. And I continue to work hard and see my bank account drained every month for his payments. It feels unfair,because it is exquisitely unfair. I wish the courts took more into account, but they just go off the formulas.
My best solace so far is being grateful I had the ability to walk away and put an end to the mistreatment I was receiving by his behavior. But I’m still on a journey to learn how to forgive and move past such a huge hurt when the reminder is there monthly and really affects my life, lifestyle, and ability to save for my future and my kids’ future.
Jackie Pilossoph
Wow. that must be so frustrating and feel very unfair. I think you have a great attitude. Try not to focus on the injustice, but rather focus on being happy in your own life. One thing I can tell you is that deep down, he knows he got rewarded for cheating and not working. That can’t feel too good and I’m sure he lacks self-esteem and self-love. With all that happened, you still know you did the right thing. that’s what’s important. xo
Jenny
I notice you don’t reply to the other comments that have to do with the father side interesting makes me wonder. As a woman I have to say I’m very disgusted with women playing victims I don’t understand when I chose to be with somebody I made sure that I could take care of myself first because you don’t know what can happen we are individuals no one owns anybody if children are in the picture we must learn how to take care of them at all means that’s becoming more sustainable instead of relying on money money money and about drama. And by the way I see y’all are these so-called fatherless kids with a lot of mobile devices I’m sorry I wasn’t raised with mobile devices and I just came out fine that’s right I’m a veteran retired successful no drama
Doug
I call bs on child support, my ex was just with me for the check. After 12 years of her being a stAy at home mom on my income only I moved out. Now I still have to pay child support or my life will be more difficult for 5 more years. I don’t see my kids and I can care less at this point I was only a paycheck to her and nothing more. My ex works and makes about half the income I make. She cant afford the home she has currently it’s over half of her income. When support stops she will end up losing the house or smooching off another man. Chicks have it made in the USA go gold diggers!
Jenny
I completely agree and I feel that this issue needs to be brought to light because it’s a lot bigger issue than people tend to believe this is even bigger than abortion that’s right abortion if you want to check out more information my friend check out the language liberator on Instagram for more info.
Jeffery
I don’t hate paying my child support, and it’s automatically withdrawn from my check. She lives with her boyfriend and splits expenses with him. Both mine are older teenagers with jobs.
Child support was intended to make sure the child has the same quality of life prior to the divorce or split up. Problem is, that isn’t always the case. My kids don’t have the same life at my house (we have a 49/51% split) because I was left with ALL the marital debt. I feel fortunate that I can still keep food in the house. Meanwhile, she’s takes them on trips and buys them all kinds of things.
I pay the health insurance and we split extras 50/50. School registration, vehicle repairs, non covered medical expenses etc. I always manage to pay them. I know what her rent is, and have a general idea of the other utility expenses, so if CS is used to help cover the child’s portion of rent/utilities/food, she should have several hundred dollars left over. However, she’s always hitting me up for more money, specifically for clothes. It’s almost as if she expects CS to cover ALL those expenses, rather than it covering my half of those expenses. At face value, it seems she doesn’t understand she has financial responsibility.
Child support doesn’t bother me, greed does. And in some family court situations, they facilitate that greed. Family court gets your financials, they can see the math. They don’t care. As I said before, the child’s life isn’t always the same as it was before for one of their homes after divorce.
So no, I don’t hate child support, I hate that it’s left me in a position where I have to either tell my kids that I’m a failure and cant afford to give them money or take them places, or do those things and not pay a bill.
Next time, ask around a little bit more, get a better understanding about why some of us are angry. It’s not always the support, sometimes its the system and the people facilitating it.
Brian
I feel the same way. I work so much to pay my own bills, I barely have time to spend with my child. I do believe divorced parents should be treated differently than people who weren’t married. As well as teaching kids that it is normal for marriage to end in divorce, it shows them first hand that relationships have low value except for money and wealth, and I believe this largely impacts society and the way we behave, especially in relationships. Every divorce is different, I get it, but I have had to work 60-72 hours a week for 12 years so far to pay for the cost of living and provide ample support for my son. My ex had so much help from her upper middle class parents and their friends, that her house, and other possessions easily quadruple my current assets. I am not jealous, but I do believe there should be a state worker or someone who periodically mediates the situation and evaluates the conditions of both parents in child support cases. I struggle to make ends meet, and still pay child support when I take vacation from work and have my son for that time. And that’s only one example of BS in my particular case. I love my son just as much as my ex does, yet I can only see him for 1 maybe 2 days a week. I hate complaining, especially on some random site, but the consequences for the current system is not Fair for anyone, especially the kids whose live are ultimately affected by their parents relationship or lack of. It’s no wonder the whole gay movement is so popular these days. Kids see more than what their parents think. To whoever reads this: Teach your children well!
Jenny
I don’t understand why women rely on the court system for their family matters when they didn’t rely on the court system when they slept with the man that they had a child. When are adult going to take responsibility for our own actions and not have a government interfere with our problems we need to learn how to self govern in order to teach our children responsibility and how to handle problems without having to pay fees for lawyers and courts that are completely unnecessary wake up people let the government out of your lives self govern yourself. I have also witnessed a lot of mother to make it very difficult for the Father’s To visit their own children their own children how can this be when we’re supposed to teach children about love and not about money money money money we need to learn to take care of our kids without having to always have money what about cooking with How about gardening how about becoming more sustainable so you don’t rely on the system people they’re only out there for their own interest OK. Beat the system don’t enslave people. Let’s not saturate our courts with family matters keep it at home and and if man promise you the world Bewarewomen learn how to take care of yourself because that’s just how it is survival you got to learn how to be independent.