I want to offer some advice that I believe could make a big difference in your life and in your divorce outcome, and it’d pretty simple: read EVERY line of your divorce documents.
I don’t know about you, but if I go to the doctor for something and the doctor writes me a prescription, I go get it filled, read the directions and start taking it. In other words, I don’t question it. I don’t read and analyze every word on the package insert. I might skim it, but if it’s a doctor I really trust, I just do what he or she says. Sounds reasonable, right? But when it comes to divorce, it’s different and here’s why.
When I was going through a divorce, my attorney (who is not one of my DGS trusted professionals) would tell to sign things that he and his associates had prepared, and without thinking twice, or asking any questions, or asking what exactly I was signing, I would sign. I didn’t understand what I was signing and my attorney would say, “Don’t worry about it.” “We’ll take care of it.” He wouldn’t explain anything to me. Then again, in his defense, I never asked so it wasn’t all his fault.
It was a BAD, BAD, BAD way of doing things.
One of my best friends is an attorney (not a divorce attorney, but she knows contracts), and when it comes to business, in all the contracts I’ve received, I always send it to her to have a look.
This is what I love about my friend (who by the way is one of the smartest people I know.) She will call me up and say, “Ok, paragraph 3, point number 2A basically says that if you hate working with this guy, and you change your mind and don’t want to work together anymore, you cannot get out of the contract. Is that ok with you?” She then goes through every single point of the contract and spells out in ENGLISH what exactly I am signing. Why? Because I don’t speak lawyer!!!!!
But in my divorce, I didn’t send the docs to my attorney friend. I trusted my attorney and signed the documents they prepared without fully understanding what I was signing.
Do you know what the following divorce documents terms mean?
Petitioner, respondent, dissolution of marriage, discovery, jurisdiction, marital settlement agreement, petition, order, collusion, custodial parent, motion, temporary support, writ of summons.
When I was newly separated, reading documents with these terms in them was like reading Chinese. I didn’t have the confidence and wisdom to research it–although back then–2007, Google wasn’t an option yet.
My attorney was a pretty good guy, but things were different back then. I didn’t have a divorce team. I didn’t have a divorce coach (because they didn’t exist yet.) I didn’t have a CDRE or a CDLP or a divorce mortgage planner. I didn’t have a good financial advisor yet. Had I been in contact with these people, I could have asked them questions and had them explain what I was signing.
I also wish my attorney would have sat down with me, (like my best friend does) and explain exactly what these were. A big reason I didn’t was because with everything else I had going on in my life: being there for two small kids, job searching, coping with my emotions, figuring out finances, trying to deal with my ex, and a million other worries, I didn’t have time to take a crash course in law 101.
Everything just seemed overwhelming and it was easier to trust my attorney and not ask a lot of questions.
I also figured, “This is what I’m paying him for!”
Here were the consequences I paid for not educating and empowering myself by reading my divorce documents:
1. I would sign something and it would get sent to my ex’s attorney and then they would share it with my ex. And then, he would blow up at me or not speak to me and I would say, “What’s wrong?!” He would say, “I can’t believe you are asking for…” And honestly, I didn’t even understand what exactly I was asking for!
2. One time, my ex was so angry at a document he received, that he and his lawyer drew up a motion for sole custody of our kids! It was the lowest point of my life.
3. To this day, because of this, our relationship remains strained. I have tried to explain to my ex that I didn’t know what I was signing, and it doesn’t matter. He is still resentful.
I’m not even saying I was doing anything wrong, meaning what I was asking for. But, had I read the divorce documents and understood what they meant, I would have been empowered and I might have tweaked them, omitted certain things, asked my attorney to change certain language, even just to soften things.
Also, if you do read all your divorce documents closely, you learn lawyer language, reading the documents doesn’t take as much time, and you are now educated and empowered.
Don’t be afraid to say to your attorney, “I have no idea what this means. Can you tell me in English exactly what I am signing?”
No one will think you are stupid. Trust me. I have a masters degree and I couldn’t figure it out, same as one of my best friends who is a neurologist and doesn’t understand what the Dow Jones industrial average is.
We all know our fields. Why on earth would we know divorce law unless we had to go through it ourselves?
I want to make something clear. I am not telling you not to trust your attorney. You could have the best lawyer in the world, which I hope you do. What I’m saying is, be empowered by getting educated, so that there are no surprises in your future when your divorce decree needs to be pulled out of the drawer because your ex isn’t doing what you think he or she should be doing according to your decree, and then you say “Wait a minute, doesn’t it say that he can’t do that?” And according to your degree, he can.
There is nothing more empowering than knowledge. Remember that, and take the time to thoroughly understand what the pen in your hand is about to help you sign. Ask your attorney and your divorce coach and your mediator and all your other divorce professionals about every possible scenario: lots of “what if” questions.
The benefits of reading your divorce documents are:
1. You know exactly what you are asking for and responding to.
2. Your divorce is likely to be more amicable.
3. You will have a better divorce outcome.
4. You will have a better post-divorce relationship with your ex.
I can’t stress enough the importance of consulting and possibly hiring: a divorce coach, mediator, Certified Real Estate Expert, Certified Divorce Lending professional, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, getting the Divorce Money Guide – if you think your ex might be hiding money, and more! Check out the Divorced Girl Smiling Trusted Professionals page for wonderful people!
Like this article? Check out, “9 Things I Learned in My Divorce”
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lisa
Fantastic points! Especially the reminder that when you have so much affecting you during this time-mentally, emotionally etc-you may be less likely to understand the complicated terminology and the resulting outcomes. I’d like to add, that IF you aren’t getting full explanations of all involved, find someone else. It’s NOT worth it to “settle” for a lawyer who won’t thoroughly help you understand and make the best decisions. I learned that the hard way.
Rick N
Jackie,
You’ve made some great points. Thanks for sharing your own experience. Most people believe that they should follow their attorney’s lead in every decision. You have shared real examples of how this can come back to hurt you. I went through a horrible family court experience because I didn’t know how to manage my attorney. It was a very costly lesson that I am still paying for today.