Wait till you read this email from a woman thinking about separating.
Together for 11 years, married for 10, 6 year old child. My husband’s excuse for not being a good husband or partner is that his father didn’t treat his mom nice. And nobody told him he treats me like shit. It wasn’t all that bad.
He wouldn’t wear the ring, wouldn’t hold my hand or kiss me in public, wouldn’t talk to me at parties, was just a jerk, not a man. Never touched me, even though I asked so many times and said how important that was to me. Sex was good for him, blah for me. The whole life was about him. We would stand in front of the mirror, naked, and he would only look at his own body and say what a great body he’s got. And then pinched a bit of my skin to show me that I have half an inch of fat on my belly. Oh com’on! I was just joking! Yeah… 11 years of jokes just made me tired and very vulnerable.
So, just out of boredom I joined an online dating site and started talking to a few people. But one of them was special. He was interesting and showing a huge interest in me, in how I felt, etc. I liked talking to him and we met. And when he stood behind me, put his arms around me and held me really strong and rubbed me for 10 minutes, I didn’t want this moment to end and almost cried. This was 9 months ago.
We’ve been seeing each other since then and started to want to see each other more and more. Last month I told my husband that our marriage stopped working for me, that I was thinking about separating. Since then he started to see a therapist (before he said he wouldn’t ever see one) to help him change for better.
He tries really hard to make it work. He’s nice. He’s good. But I feel absolutely NO physical attraction any more. None. I agreed to give him a chance and promised to stop any contact with my ‘boyfriend’. But I love my boyfriend. I don’t want to go through a divorce because of the child but then, should I stay unhappy? Should I let go of a man who I feel so great with? I’m so lost.
First of all, hearing how your husband treated you makes me very sad for you. I’m so sorry. I could write an entire article about how men and women have the tendency to repeat the patterns of their parents—some realizing it and some not, some willing to get the help they need to be different than their parent’s bad behavior, and some swearing they’ll never act that way and then do.
It’s so frustrating, and when I talk to young people, or even people considering second marriage, I tell them to look at the person’s parents because that is what their husband or wife will most likely turn into.
Let’s get to the part of your post that really struck a nerve with me. “So, just out of boredom I joined an online dating site…”
I’m sorry if this is hurtful, but I have to say, there is nothing that bothers me more than married people who go on dating sites. I think it is absolutely immoral behavior. Some lie and say they are single, and then they begin a relationship with an innocent person who ends up falling in love and then finding out the person is married. So, the innocent one either walks away broken hearted, or they compromise and continue to see the person because they’re already too emotionally attached and invested. They rationalize and tell themselves whatever they need to tell themselves to make the other person seem like their soul mate, when in reality, the relationship started off with lies and deceit.
I’m not saying this is you, I promise. But here’s what I want to say. You didn’t join an online dating site because you were bored. You joined because you mentally checked out of your marriage (I can understand why, based on your email). You were lonely and you didn’t want to be alone.
You weren’t bored. You needed validation that you were desirable, that someone would want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And now, not surprisingly, you met someone. You craved love and attention and adoration and respect and physical contact. And while I completely understand how you feel, I have issues that you went into the candy store without thinking you were going to make a purchase.
Here’s what I want to say about your boyfriend. First of all, I am going to assume he isn’t married, but I don’t know that for sure. If he is married, I’ve got all kinds of other issues. But let’s assume he isn’t.
I think that men and women are on their best behavior and most infatuated at the beginning of a new relationship—especially one where the time you spend together is so limited. So, the question becomes, will he be this same person in 2 years from now? 4 years? 10 year? There is no way of knowing.
You are asking me if you should stay with your husband or be with this new guy, and my answer is, your decision shouldn’t be based on whether or not you have a boyfriend. One has nothing to do with the other. You either want your marriage to work or you don’t think it can. Period. This boyfriend guy shouldn’t be in the mix, only in the sense that he gave you a taste of the notion that it is possible to meet someone else at this stage in your life.
I hope I wasn’t too hard on you, or that I sound judgmental. I truly understand that feeling unhappy and trapped in a marriage can lead to vulnerability and looking for happiness through cheating. I don’t approve or disapprove because every situation is different and I’m not there. I’m not one of those people who says, “He or she should have gotten separated before beginning a relationship.” I also don’t say, “It’s OK to cheat.”
In your heart, I think you know what the right thing to do is. Whether you stay or leave, you just have to find the guts to go with the decision you think is the right one.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”
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Dj
Thank you for the comment on married woman posting on dating site. I am miserable in my marriage and have been for years. I want to meet someone and will tell the truth on tbe website about my situatio . Lies don’t work.
rAJ_9943359232
I’m a separated guy seeking for a secret relationship . .
Wish I was Bruce
This is a very similar situation I am currently in. My wife and I were married for a little over 20 years and dated for over 4. She recently told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. I caught her engaging in online conversations with a man she used to work with that had moved away. She was sexually explicit, as was he, about what they wanted to do with each other. He HAD a wife with 3 children and had been married 10 years. His wife and I started communicating to try to fix the problem. As of now, she is divorcing her husband (said he actually had 5-6 women and my wife was just one) and now my wife wants one. She tells me that there is no one else but, at this point, it’s very hard to believe. 2 years ago, we had what I thought was a good sit down. We agreed to be careful how we said things. She took multiple vacations (not a single one with me) and went to a good amount of concerts (once again, without me). I hinted that I wanted to come along with her 2 week vacation to the West coast in June and had even told my boss I may need a couple weeks off. Instead, she went with one of her girlfriends (who I think is pivotal in our divorce, BTW). Both of her vacations, she contacted her online fling on Facebook and then moved it to chat boards and email to hide it from me. You can tell when either of the people in the relationship are up to no good when they protect their phone and make sure you can’t see the screen. I asked her to do all of her internet on our house computer just like I do. She agreed but then continued to use her phone. At the end of the day, she says we just aren’t compatible; at this point, I believe her.
Teri Mccreary
Iv been married it will be10 yrs in March when l first met him,l asked him if he was married,he said his wife died,I told him sorry to hear that and l TRUELY was.well from that moment we have stayed together and got married,l feel in love soooo in love,it was amazing…but after a little while he became alittle abusive,physically&metally to me,and I became alittle scared of him,but still loved him,after a couple yrs he started not being so physically abusive just every once in awhile,but remained mental abused and still does,i have finally opened my eyes because i have realized and caught him in sooo many lies,from small to large,and lying over nothing and all the time,l didnt see it for along time ,after he told me at the beginning hie wife died,2 yrs after our marriage I find out that wasn’t true…im HAPPY for her of course,but it made me hurt that he lied to me..and to this day it still bothers me WHY WOULD HE SAY SHE DIED? I don’t understand that. Could someone PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY….TO ME and what would make a man say such a thing
D
Teri,
My quick situation: Married for 8yrs…dated for 6yrs. Together for 14yrs. I just learned my wife has had multiple affairs on me.
I’m struggling and wrestling with all of it, but have begun a full out binge on reading articles about the topic and situation. Came across this article I’d like to share: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/search/site/narcissism
In my opinion…any physical abuse in a marriage is 100% UNACCEPTABLE. As a husband…you are supposed to be the leader and protector of the household kingdom, and physically abusing your bride/queen is an ABSOLUTE VIOLATION of the hierarchy of Trust, Love, Romance, etc. I know the pain must goo sooo deep for you. Not to mention the ongoing emotional abuse. But emotional abuse is very difficult to pin-point. From my situation, I feel I’ve been emotionally abused…but truly have I been? I’m not sure. But this article about “Why Do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love?” might give you some insight on patterns of abuse by Narcissists.
Lying at any level in my opinion is also UNACCEPTABLE…in ANY RELATIONSHIP. Do you honestly even want to be friends with someone who lies/exaggerates or tells half truths “consistently”. The liar is a shape-shifter. Their life is a kite in a tornado. Which person of your husband’s are you actually “In Love” with? Do you see the dilemma? I would seek marriage counseling where his lying can be addressed and an accountability to the Truth can be forged into his character for positive change…FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. But, if he would physically abuse you over such a suggestion…that’s a major red flag. You CAN BE STRONG and divorce him if he’s abusive. You only live once. Do you want your next 10 years to be same as the previous 10 in your marriage?
Through my own journey, considering divorce, I know my wife has only lied for these very short acute periods within past several years, and we’ve had such a Trust before all of this. So I KNOW when she is lying. She isn’t a skilled/gifted liar NOR a consistent liar. So I am still hopeful we can reconcile…but I am still very fatally wounded by the betrayal. However, your husband sounds like he’d lie about how many cookies he ate last night or how many beers he drank.
To answer your question about telling you his wife died. Maybe in his mind…that was how he coped with the failure of his marriage. Have your heard the candid phrase: “That person is dead to me”…meaning they will never again be a blip on the radar in their mind, heart, soul, etc. Could it be he convinced himself he wasn’t lying because his ex-wife is “dead to him”.
Wish you the best and hope you find the rewards in your relationship worth fighting for or rewards to move on and have a happier, more fulfilling life.
Remember, these are just my opinions…I’m not a marriage counselor. =^D
pixxie
I have been with my husband for 15 years, 13 of them as a married couple and the last year of this time as people who fight like cat and dog. We have no children together and my children are all from my first marriage and adults now.
I always have thought I was at fault , we would have periods of happiness and then periods of absolute hell. I ran away from him to another country but he followed, I ran away because I couldn’t take the hell anymore , he is a sexual deviant and his deviance is outside of anything that I could accept or understand in a million years, he went for counselling and things seemed ok except for those periods of sh*t.
At the beginning of last year he let on that he was back to his old ways, I was devastated and a lot of other things started happening, so I did the unthinkable , I snooped – something I have never done before, I hacked his computer and went though it and his e-mails, what I found was more heartache than you could imagine, he has always been passive aggressive and when angry with me witholds affection and attention, we go through months when I have done something (I never know what) where there is no affection or intimacy at all. its almost staged… and now I know why, he has been in contact both online and physically with his ex girlfriends and stalks a lot of women we work with he has folders of photos downloaded from their facebook pages and insta accounts. All hell broke loose when he realised I had hacked his stuff, and he isn’t the forgiving type either.
now we are headed for divorce and yes I am heartbroken , you see the one I have always done is actually loved him. Look where that got me. I feel like a drug addict but not addicted to a substance but a person. Today.. I am just sad.
Michelle
My eyes are full of tears as i write this. I have been with my husband for 6.5 yrs married for 5 yrs. We have no children together. Am really not sure how to explain my situation so it’s probably going to be alot of rambling. ,It’s like living with Dr.Jeckal and Mr. Hyde no physical abuse but alot of mental abuse.
For the entirety of our marriage he’s cheated and has an addiction problem to almost everything imaginable. It came to appoint last year when I left but after 3.5 months he lured me back in with the lies of seeking help for his addictions and our marriage. He stated that he wanted to change and get back to attending church and reading his bible each day. We started attending church and reading the bible each day (never seeked counseling of any sort) for a minute i felt like this is what was missing ,until the I saw and smelled the drugs (which now includes estsy) I didn’t even say anything I was sick,not even a week later he calls me from work an tells me he’s going to dinner with his boss man before he flies back, I never hear from him again until the next morning for which he starts calling the so call friends that he does drugs with telling them he can’t hang with them anymore (also calls the girl/man he stayed with)which I knew was lie.
I feel like am living with a demon who knows the bible and understands the bible better than a pastor/Minster ,who prays the best prayer you could ever hear,who can be as sweet and giving as mother Teresa but with a blink of an eye will make you feel like you’ve caused the issue and that you should be more supportive and ok after being hurt by him(not to express your feelings toward what happened) . Currently I am trying to distance my emotions by telling myself he’s a liar,he’s a demon and I have to make a get away plan to end this once in for all.