Did Your In-laws Dump you after Divorce?

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In its simplest terms, divorce means separation. You’re splitting up. You’re breaking up. The two of you have made a decision to disconnect, detach and distance yourself from each other. But what about the relationships that have formed with other people because of your marriage? In other words, when it comes to divorce, what do you do if your in-laws dump you?

I’m not trying to be funny by saying this, but often times, if you can’t stand your in-laws, your divorce suddenly has a plus side. Think about it. You never, ever have to go out for lunch or brunch or dinner with them ever again! But, what happens if you actually like your soon-to-be ex’s family and friends, and they basically tell you to lose their number?

When I got divorced, my ex-husband’s entire family stopped communicating with me. In six years, I seriously have not spoken a word to any of them, other than an occasional “hi,” in passing.

At the beginning, when we first got separated, I kept waiting for a phone call.  “We’re really sorry this is happening,” I thought they’d call and say. Or, “Is there anything we can do?” Or even, “We don’t want to get involved, but we just want to let you know we are thinking of you during this difficult time.” Nothing.  I realize now just how naïve I was.

I don’t expect anyone’s in-laws to side with the non-blood relative, and I don’t expect them to be best friends with him or her. That said, in my case, when I was married, my ex’s family was really nice to me, so to go from feeling like part of their family to being completely dismissed without a word was very hard, and it deeply hurt me.

It made me wonder, is an in-law’s love all an act? When you get married, are your in-laws just taking you in as one of their own because of your marriage license?

Here are some real divorce stories. I actually know of a person who told his family that he forbid them to speak with his ex, and they obeyed.  Someone else I know was told by her ex-sister-in-laws that she was prohibited from attending at her ex-mother-in-law’s funeral, even though they were still really close, and the woman would have wanted her there. There is also a guy I’m friends with whose ex-mother-in-law will not even attend her own grandchildren’s birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to look at her ex-son-in-law. She’s so selfish that she’d rather miss the party (and hurt the kids) than show up and just be polite, regardless of her feelings.

I think the families and friends of someone getting divorced need to be open minded, and think with their hearts, versus following the cliche of cutting ties, or instinctively jumping to the conclusion that the person who is divorcing their loved one is evil.  No one knows what went on in a divorcing couple’s home. Even if it’s your very best friend, or your son, or your sister, you really don’t know. What you know is what that person told you. You have one side.

That said, being upset with the soon-to-be ex, and having feelings of hatred or blame or anger is very understandable. But just for a second, remember that you took your soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law or son-in-law or daughter-in-law into your family. So, was all your love conditional?

What parents and siblings of divorced people should ask themselves is, “If I loved this person while my son or daughter or brother or sister was married to him or her, then don’t I love them still? Don’t I care what happens to them in the future? Maybe, maybe not.

So much depends on the circumstances, and each divorce is entirely different. If my best friend was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her, I would hate him, and I would not want to stay in touch. If, on the other hand, my best friend and her husband of 27 years were divorcing because they grew apart and wanted to go their separate ways, but he was a nice guy who treated her well, then that’s a different story.

There are boundaries, of course. I have a friend whose sister has been having drinks with her ex-brother-in-law. I think this is unacceptable behavior and tells a lot about the sister’s character. It’s inappropriate and NOT okay.  But, it IS okay to send a birthday card, or call someone if they are ill.

Not all divorcees get dumped by their in-laws. I have a really good friend who is very close with her ex-sister-in-law. They do things together all the time. I also know a guy who just drove his ex-sister-in-law and her new husband to the airport for their honeymoon.

In closing, here’s my advice. If you get divorced, expect NOTHING from your in-laws. Then, you’ll never be disappointed or hurt. Let them come to you (or not come to you) thereby showing you their true colors. I think it’s okay to reach out one time, and maybe say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out, or you’re sorry for your part in the demise of the marriage. Maybe tell them how much you care about them (if you do, that is) and how much you hope you can remain close. And then, you have to be done. You have to move on and accept the loss, just as you are accepting the loss of your husband or wife.

Lastly, if you run into them and they don’t say hi, make sure you say it. Smile and be friendly and kind. If they are rude, so what? No one ever went wrong with kindness.

 

 

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The Guy You’re Dating: Do You Love Him or is it Just Sex?

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There’s love and there’s great sex. Then there is love and great sex. When it comes to the guy you’re dating, how do you know if you have both?

In my novel, Free Gift With Purchase, the main character, Emma meets and begins a steamy hot, cougar-ish relationship with Preston, a gorgeous man with the best abs she’s ever seen, but who is admittedly non-committal and calls himself “the fun guy.”
Throughout their crazy, no holds barred, very physical relationship, however, Emma begins to wonder if Preston means more to her than just the guy who gets her hot and bothered between the sheets. In other words, she kids herself that maybe the two of them have more in common than just the love of ripping off each other’s clothes, and that there’s a possibility they might have a deep, emotional connection, as well.
I think Emma fooling herself that her boy toy is more than just a temporary fling is VERY typical of women, because most connect sex with love. So, when a woman starts sleeping with a man, she might tell herself “it’s just sex,” she might tell her friends “it’s just sex,” and at the beginning of the relationship, it just might be. But as time goes by, I don’t care what anyone says, I think women have an extremely difficult time separating sex and emotions, and they begin to fool themselves that maybe their “boy toy” is the man of their dreams.
Men are different. If a man is in a “hook-up” type relationship, he could keep it that way for 10 years and be happy. Men can separate sex and love. And usually what ends up happening is, the woman breaks it off with the guy because she wants more.
So, if you are waiting for the guy you’re casually sleeping with to turn out like Christian Grey, change and all of a sudden want to marry you and have babies, you’re dreaming. I’m not trying to be cruel, just realistic.
How do you differentiate the guy who is just in your life for pure sex, and the guy you might see yourself swapping rings with someday?
Here are five signs that a relationship isn’t going beyond the bedroom:
1. The wandering eye: You’re out with your girlfriends and you’re looking around for eligible guys. “What about so and so?” your friend asks you, regarding the young guy you are seeing. “What about him?” you respond, “We’re not married.” You flirt with other guys and you are open to dating other people, almost as if you think that will help you get out of the situation, when the truth probably is that you don’t know how to get out of it. You are acting single, even though you are sleeping with someone.
2. Not taking him to events: Your BFF. is getting married. You don’t ask him to go with you to the wedding for two reasons: one, the bride’s gorgeous, wealthy and available cousin is flying in from New York and you want to be seated next to him, and two, you know your “boy toy” will say no anyhow.
3. You don’t date: He doesn’t take you to the movies, he doesn’t take you out for dinner. Instead, he texts you an hour before he’s leaving work. The text says, “What u up to 2nite?” You drop all your plans, he comes over, you spend the entire night in bed, and the next day, you remember it as a date, when in reality, it was a hook up, just like he said.
4. Family and kids: He’s not interested in going to the community pool or miniature golfing with you and your kids. He has no interest in meeting your sister and you for lunch. His parents are in town and he doesn’t ask you to go out for dinner with them. Know why? Because he doesn’t want to take things any further than your Tempur-Pedic mattress. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, but wake up! (no pun intended.)
5. You drink a lot with him: Whenever he’s around, you drink. A lot. You drink wine, you drink beer. You’ve never actually hooked up with him sober. He has, but not you.
I’m not saying that getting into a purely physical relationship is always a bad thing. In fact, I think there are times in life when boy toys are perfect for a woman, like right after a divorce, or after the break -up of a long term relationship. The downside, in my opinion to sex-based hook-uppy relationships is that they play tricks on a woman’s self-esteem.
Sure, we can kid ourselves that we are using the guy just as much as he is using us, and we can tell ourselves and our girlfriends that sex is all we want, but really girls? Haven’t we all believed since birth that our Prince Charming is out there and he’s going to love every part of us? That he’s going to take the time to get to know every inch? That he truly cares about us?
We want a guy to take us to a concert he knows we love, or who calls us in the middle of a work day just to say hi, or who comes over with chicken soup when we are ill. Boy toys don’t do that. Yes, they make our bodies feel amazing, and they make us feel sexy and beautiful, but it doesn’t last long because when we find ourselves alone on a Saturday night, or when he doesn’t text us for four days straight, it hurts, no matter if we want to admit it or not.
The most important thing is to know what you have. You will have fun if you are honest with yourself, and you are okay with accepting what the guy is willing to give, (just as Emma was with Preston for awhile in FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE). But be true to yourself. If you want more, have the guts to find it with someone who wants what you want, who wants a girl to cherish, and who wants more than a hop in the sack every few nights.

Here are five signs it’s more than sex:
1. Money: Both of you have made it clear to each other that if either of you went broke, the other would happily support the poor one until he or she got back on their feet.
2. His eyes: You aren’t afraid to look deeply in his eyes while saying anything. His eyes are home to you.
3. Best friends: The two of you are truly best friends. You would do ANYTHING he needed and vice versa. When you have bad news, you call him first (or right after your sister.) When you have good news, you call him first (or definitely after your sister.)
4. Family: You love him even more when he’s around your family. You can tell they love him.
5. Butterflies: You still get shivers when he walks into the room and you truly want to rip his clothes off. Yet, at the same time, you want to get into your sweatpants, watch a movie and eat popcorn with him. He’s EVERYTHING to you.

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A Mother’s Day Gift to Single Moms: The Best Ways To Meet Men

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As a divorce blogger, I am constantly getting emails from readers asking questions and seeking advice about different divorce issues. I have to say, the most popular question I get asked is, “What are the best ways to meet men (or women)?”

So, as my Mother’s Day gift to all of the beautiful, smart, giving, interesting and hardworking single moms I know out there, I’d like to impart my opinions and experiences on the best ways to meet men. And if there are guys who are reading this, consider this your father’s day gift!

The Best Ways to Meet Men:


1. Dating Websites: I have to be honest, I have never joined a dating website, so I can’t speak from personal experience. But, what I can tell you is, I can’t count the number of couples who have met on these sites. Everyone I know! So, it’s got to be a good way to meet people, right? Here’s the catch. You have to be patient and it’s a numbers game. I compare going on Match.com or other sites to shopping at Loehmans. In other words, you have to sift through some crap to get to a real gem. You have to try on 25 sweaters before you get that beautiful Michael Kors sweater that was originally $110, which you found for $19. Get the analogy? I think there are liars, married people who are cheating, and some real slime balls who join these sites. BUT, there are also countless wonderful, normal people who like you, just want to meet someone. Just be careful. And, if I was going to go on a date with someone I met online, I would drive myself and meet in a public place.

2. Professional matchmakers: I recently did a feature story for the Pioneer Press on a Winnetka based matchmaking service called North Shore Match. Suzy and Amy, two lovely women, personally set you up on dates. They don’t use pictures or computers, they meet every single client in person. They don’t have any formula for set ups, they just go with their gut. So, it’s sort of like your friends setting you up!

3. Networking: This is one thing I feel I am an authority on, because I did it! Here are your explicit instructions. If you want to meet someone, ask EVERY SINGLE PERSON you know to fix you up. Your friends’ husbands, people you work with, your hair stylist, boutique owners, people in your community. You will not appear desperate, I promise! Here’s the thing. No one is thinking, “Hmm…I should set so and so up.” So, you have to MAKE them think about it! Just say casually, “By the way, do you know any single men who might be interested in dating?” Don’t say, “I can’t meet anyone to save my life!” Just say, “I’m single and I think I’m ready to date.” If they have that in the back of their mind, next time they see that cute, single dad, they will think of you!!

4. Platonic friends of the opposite sex: Here’s a scenario. Your friend sets you up on a blind date and you walk in and see the guy. You immediately say to yourself, “No way.” First of all, DON’T do that!! Several years ago, (before I was married) I did that. By the end of the night, I was gaga over this guy, because his personality made him VERY attractive. So, keep an open mind! That said, if you really aren’t attracted to the guy, don’t write him off completely. Try to become friends with him. He most likely has divorced friends. Be honest at the end of the night and ask if he’d like to be platonic friends with you. Even if he’s disappointed, there’s something in it for him, because you could set him up with one of your girlfriends. Guy friends offers so many gifts! You get the guy perspective, you might make a really good friend, and he might end up setting you up with your soul mate!

5. Always Look Your Best: This is one my dad told me a long time ago. Whenever you leave the house, make sure to look the best you can. It takes just as long to throw on your old, holey jeans and tennis shoes than it does to put on a cute pair of Hudson’s, sexy sandals and a necklace. The guy of your dreams might be at the grocery store, or at a gas station (I actually met a guy at a gas station once who I went on 4 dates with!). If you look nice, you will exude more self confidence and it might make the difference if he notices you or not. Think about it, would you strike up a conversation with some cute guy if you feel like you look like crap? No way. I’m not saying you have to spend hours getting ready if you are making a Target run, but just look presentable. The odds go up, trust me!

Happy Mother’s Day single moms!! And happy Mother’s Day to ALL moms!!

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Settle Your Divorce Through Mediation on a new BRAVO Reality TV Show

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bravo

I want to bring something really exciting to your attention. If you are in the middle of a divorce, you can be on a new BRAVO reality show with your soon-to-be ex, where you will get FREE MEDIATION from celebrity attorney and mediator, Vikki Ziegler!
I was contacted by Cornwell Casting in LA, who asked me to help them find couples who are currently going through a divorce, who would consider settling their divorce through mediation on this new BRAVO reality show.
So, is this for you? If you are a very private person, and you don’t see yourself on air, don’t pursue this.
BUT, let me share the upside of this. MEDIATION WORKS! I personally went through mediation a couple of times, and it really, truly is the best way to get divorced and/or settle any disputes. Here are the benefits of mediation:

1. You will save so much money! I still get physically nauseous when I think about all the money we flushed down the drain going through litigation. Months and months of court dates and no results went by, and we were no further in our settlement. But, one thing I was always assured of was receiving my monthly bill from the attorneys. It was so frustrating and depressing! Mediation was the exact opposite. We paid a flat fee, and settled in an 8 hour session. I’m not saying you don’t need a divorce attorney, by the way. You definitely need one. BUT, you can mediate, and then have your attorney draw up and approve the settlement. If you have a good attorney, the attorney will be promoting mediation as a divorce option.

2. It will make your relationship with your ex so much better: Couples in litigation usually have a terrible relationship because let’s face it, the two of you are in a law suit against each other. Tensions are high, attitudes are bad, and because of that, your kids suffer, as well. Mediation gets you both in a room, where you discuss things, and where a professional helps get you a settlement that you both feel good about. They will help you decide on everything from who gets what, as far as assets, to child support, alimony, a parenting agreement, and a visitation schedule you both feel good about. I know it might be difficult to sit in a room with your ex, but trust me, once you start negotiating, things come out. A lot of resentment is released just by talking things out.

3. Mediators are trained professionals: They aren’t just making up numbers. They can make educated guesses on what judges will award and not award, based on what the judges have done in the past. Almost all of them have court room experience, and most of them are attorneys themselves. They are on your side, and they are on your ex’s side. In other words, they don’t take sides between the two of you, but rather they are on your side versus the judge’s. It’s in their best interest to help you settle!

4. In mediation, YOU have control: Unlike a judge in a courtroom making decisions for you, in mediation, you don’t have to agree on anything you don’t feel comfortable with. YOU are completely in control.

On a personal side note, just fyi, the day I finished mediation, the mediator walked us to the elevator, and when she said good-bye, I burst into tears.

She hugged me and I said, “I’m so sorry, I’m so embarrassed!”

Her response was, “This happens all the time. “

People are so relieved that this incredible burden has been lifted off of them, that just like me, they cry. With so much to worry about in life, when your divorce is settled, and you know the lawyer fees are over, and the fear of the unknown is no longer a factor, it’s an amazing feeling.

So, here’s the deal. For the show on BRAVO, you don’t even have to pay for the mediation!! It’s free! Plus, you are getting Vikki Ziegler, who has a proven track record of helping couples mediate.
If you are interested in being on the show, contact:

https://ccasting.wufoo.com/forms/divorce-show/
And, if you have any questions, email: DivorceShow@cornwellcasting.com
PLEASE mention that you found out about the show from Divorced Girl Smiling!!
And even if you decide not to do the show, I’d say consider mediation! It’s truly, truly the best route for settling a divorce!

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12 Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me When I was First Getting Divorced

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I ran into a dear friend of mine today at the gym, who I know is having problems in her marriage.

“How are things?” I asked her.

Tears welled in her eyes. It was heartbreaking. “Not good,” she said softly.

The memories of feeling the exact same way she did came flooding back. When I was on the verge of divorce, and I was really distraught. I was scared of being alone, scared for my kids, scared for finances, scared of attorney’s fees, and scared of the unknown.  I teared up at least 10 times a day. I was sad. I felt like a loser. I felt angry, and like it was a terrible injustice.

I wish I would have run into someone like me at the gym when I was getting divorced, because she would have told me some really helpful things, like these:

1. The day your soon-to-be ex moves out, you will feel surprisingly very relieved. The sadness you thought you’d feel will instead be such reprieve, that you will almost feel joy. Don’t feel guilty about that. You’ve been miserable for so long, you deserve a break.

 2.  You’re going to get attorney statements that will make you physically nauseous. If you want to avoid that, try to settle or mediate with your ex. Put your pride aside, suck it up, and talk to him. You will save so much money.

3.  You will not be alone forever. You will FOR SURE meet someone at some point. I seriously guarantee it. It doesn’t feel that way, but trust me, I’ve never met a divorced person yet who hasn’t fallen crazy in love. It just takes time.

4.  Your kids are probably going to cry a lot, feel sad, do strange things or misbehave. They are feeling angry or sad or scared or guilty, (like it’s their fault). Just talk to them. Always keep the lines of communication open. But don’t try to reason with them. Just validate how they feel. Keep telling them that you understand how they feel that way. AND drill it in their heads that it’s not their fault.

5.  Your ex is going to do things that piss you off for the rest of your life. You are going to do things that piss him off, too. Half the time he isn’t speaking to you, you won’t even know why. But, there will be times where he will make you laugh, and you will remember why you married him. They are fleeting, but they are there.

6. You’re going to meet other divorced women and they are going to become some of the best friends you ever make in life.

7. Your ex’s family is either going to stop speaking to you completely, or they are going to call you up and go off on you. Nine times out of ten, they will not want to remain friendly. It’s very hard, but DON’T take it personally.

 8. Your ex is going to have a serious girlfriend in 2 minutes. DO NOT be shocked.

9.  Some of your married friends are going to dump you, because they don’t want to go out as a threesome, they want to go out with couples. But, some of your married friends will be there for you at a level you never imagined, and it will touch you beyond belief.

10.  People are going to set you up on blind dates, and when you go on some of them, you will be sitting there dipping your bread in olive oil, and thinking, ‘How could so and so possibly think this was a good match?’

11. You will be getting take-out with your kids more than ever before. Make an effort to sit at the kitchen or dining room table and eat with your kids and talk, with no cell phones and no TV, because you are STILL a family.

12. You will have a year ahead of you that includes hilarious moments, crazy dates, but a lot of crying and sadness too. It’s okay. You will be fine.

YOU WILL BE FINE! Have confidence in yourself and handle each thing as it comes. Some days will be good. Some will be really bad. You will cry at least 5 times a week for awhile. But you will laugh, too. You will still be the same person you are, and actually you will be better. You’ll be stronger and more real. You’ll be just as good of a mother, if not better. And, you will find love again. If you want to, and if you have the guts.

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