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One Word That Will Prevent You From Getting Over A Divorce

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in coping with divorce, inspiration, newly separated


getting over a divorce






Getting over a divorce isn’t easy. I know that firsthand. But there’s one word that really, really, really slows down the process of moving on: regret.


“He wouldn’t have cheated if I was a better wife.”

“I never should have taken that job in California and moved her away from her family.”

“My family warned me not to marry her. I should have listened.”

“I should have divorced him 10 years ago. I would have been a decade younger and had so much more time to be happy.”

“I should have worked harder at the marriage.”

“I never should have said those things to him.”


These are just some of the things someone getting divorced might say. These are regrets,  “should haves,”  feelings of sadness, disappointment, feeling sorry for something they did, or feelings of remorse, shame or guilt.


Everyone in life has regrets, not just about divorce, but about everything. I have regrets that I think cost me millions of dollars. I have regrets about things I didn’t do, places I never visited, people I didn’t stay in touch with. I have too many regrets to count. And of course, I have regrets when it comes to pretty much every romantic relationship I have ever been in, including my marriage and divorce.


Having regrets is part of life. It’s really the way we learn for the future, to live in a way that is better for us and a way that makes us happier.


I think it’s OK to have regrets, to think about them and to verbalize them. BUT, there comes a time when regrets need to be put to rest, not focused upon and pushed out of that space in your head that can choose to hold positive or negative thoughts.


Think about it. What good can come from constantly thinking about your regrets?

It is impossible to undo what you did in the past, isn’t it? So, all you can do is learn from it and become a wiser, healthier and a better overall person.


Our regrets are the drivers that make us smarter and smarter as we grow older.


With all that said, here is your divorce makeover. Put your regrets aside and replace that space in your head with TODAY. Rejoice and celebrate what you have NOW.


For example, it was 85 degrees and sunny yesterday in Chicago. I worked in the morning. I then worked out, and then took a walk on a beautiful trail. I then played tennis with my daughter. I was then off to work again, but at night, I had a wonderfully romantic dinner with someone I really enjoy.


My point is, I didn’t spent the day thinking about the fact that I had to work for a lot of it, and that if I’d stayed in my pharmaceutical job all these years (and not quit after I had kids) I’d probably be a multi-millionaire right now, getting ready to retire, and never working on the weekends. I also didn’t focus on the fact that had I married the right person, I might have been on a blissful family vacation yesterday.


Instead, I rejoiced in the moment all day long, from the workout, where I appreciated my health and body, to the gorgeous walking trail with the sun shining brightly on my face, to the visible joy and pride my daughter gets from playing tennis, and later that night, the bliss of romance.


Gratitude, contentment, and celebration should be what replaces those awful feelings of regret that don’t mean anything anymore, except for the fact that we gain valuable lessons from them.


It’s interesting. Those bitter people who can’t let go of the hatred and resentment for their ex: they haven’t let go of their regrets. Divorced people who end up happy embrace now and the future. They enjoy TODAY. The beauty is, the choice is yours.



In Wake of Ashley Madison Hack, Jackie Joins Cheating Site

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in Cheating/having an affair, Marriage advice


Ashley Madison






Maybe its because I’m a reporter, but hearing about the Ashley Madison hack made me want to learn more about the cheating website. So, I set up a profile to get the experience. In this week’s Love Essentially, published in Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press, I write about joining Ashley Madison, as well as alternatives to cheating when things at home aren’t blissful.


Karma Calling for  by Jackie Pilossoph

I hate to admit it, but I don’t feel sorry for getting hacked. In fact, there’s a sense of justice I feel knowing a cheating website whose slogan is “Life is short – Have an affair” might have got what it deserved.

Call me judgmental, but the fact is, the adultery site makes it really easy for men and women to resort to cheating when life at home isn’t as blissful as they’d prefer. Instead of trying to fix a romantic relationship or even leave an unhealthy situation, people can visit, a veritable candy store with endless flavors of potential cheating partners.
I should know. I recently joined the site to learn in more detail why it gets 124 million hits per month, according to web analytics company

It took less than a minute to set up a profile that asked me for my ZIP code, age, height, weight, body type, ethnicity and, shockingly, a photo! Who would be crazy enough to put a photo of themselves on a dating site for married people who want to cheat? Millions of people, apparently.

“Tell us more about you” was the last question of the profile setup, with a sample answer that read: “I’m looking for a man who can provide the passion that has long been missing from my marriage.”

This answer made my heart sink. The site’s philosophy is basically saying that if your relationship lacks good sex, joining a dating site to find someone else to sleep with is a good solution.

After I set up my profile, I went walking with a friend. When I got home an hour later, my inbox was flooded with inquiries from men who wanted to cheat with me. And I didn’t even have a photo posted!

I read some of the profiles of the interested cheaters. Their taglines:

“Just curious.”

“Sexy guy looking for fun.”

“Where’s my tigress?”
“Searching for what’s missing.”

“Drink, live, love as much as possible.”

“Looking for someone special.”

“Good manners and no drama.”

Looking for someone special? How about the woman you vowed to spend the rest of your life with? No drama? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Feeling depressed by viewing all the cheaters out there, I decided to call Lisa Kaplin, a certified life coach and psychologist, and the founder of her Long Grove-based practice, Smart Women Inspired Lives, to ask how this website from hell ended up with 37 million members.

“When people look to cheat, they are struggling either personally, in their marriage or it’s a combination of both,” Kaplin said.

Kaplin said if men and women have the desire to cheat but wish to resist such feelings, they first need to figure out where it is stemming from.

“Ask yourself, ‘What’s missing? Is it emotional? Is it sexual? Do I feel insecure about myself? Am I bored? Are my kids getting older and I’m feeling like my purpose in life is less clear?'” Kaplin said. “Most people report that they cheat because their spouse doesn’t pay attention to them.
She said once you figure out what the issue is, either via therapy or self-discovery, the next step is…Click here to read the rest of the column, published in Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press.



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