Breakup advice: Understanding Your Broken Heart Might Be Helpful In Healing

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in breakup advice



breakup advice




At 50 years old, it would be impossible for me to say I haven’t had my heart broken multiple times in my life. Of course when I got divorced it happened, but other men (and even a couple platonic female friends) have broken my heart.


A broken heart is one of the worst feelings a person can have. Call me dramatic but there have been times in my life when I can feel my heart aching, and there’s a hollow kind of emptiness throughout my core. It’s awful. It’s exhausting, frantic, angry, frustrating, and the worst one, it feels hopeless, like you can’t imagine ever being happy again.


So, how does a person get over a broken heart? I wish I had the answer to that one. Of course, time is key. But, what I can share with you is something I’ve realized over the years: Understanding why your heart is broken—being truly honest with yourself about it is helpful in healing your broken heart quicker.


Ask yourself why your heart is broken. Is it one of these things?


  1. You put false expectations on the person, who was unable to meet them.


Many who know me will say that I am particularly susceptible to a broken heart because my expectations of others are too high. For example, if something happens—an argument, perhaps, in my mind I know what I want a man to say to me (the exact verbiage) to make it better. When he doesn’t (because it would be impossible for him to read my mind and say exactly what I imagined), I’m hurt, disappointed, and ultimately, broken hearted. I will be the first to admit that that mentality is a huge fault of mine, and one that I am constantly working to improve upon. People don’t say what you want them to say or what you think they SHOULD say. They speak from their own heart. If it isn’t what we want or need to hear, we need to walk away.


  1. You didn’t want to see signs of trouble that clearly were there.


            Maybe you ignored the red flags because there were so many other wonderful qualities. You turned your head the other way when you knew there was bad behavior. You wanted it to work so badly, so you made this deal with yourself that you would put up with the bad stuff. If this is the case, then you should actually feel relieved and happy that you are out of a bad situation. Your broken heart won’t last as long as you think.


  1. You’re tired of being hurt. Exhausted, actually.


I can remember sitting in my therapist’s office several years ago after my latest broken heart, crying and saying, “I can’t take this anymore. I can’t handle anymore broken hearts. It’s too much.” She said, “Yes you can. You have a strong family foundation that showed you love all of your life. You can handle these breakups. Like most people, you will continue to keep bouncing back, and go after love again.


Vestor Capital

  1. You kept expecting him/her to change, which we all know is impossible.


Have you ever tried to see the good in someone over and over and over and over again, and that person just never steps up? Each time that happens, it breaks your heart. You keep seeing these opportunities, expecting him or her to do something extraordinary, and show you that he/she is a really good person, and the person never, ever shows you what you want to see. It’s exhausting, frustrating, sad, depressing, infuriating. And, it breaks your heart every single time. Stop doing that to yourself! He or she is who they are. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.



  1. You were forcing things to be right, when deep down you knew it wasn’t a good fit.


            I have been here a couple times in my life. I meet someone and I want it to work out so badly that I convince myself that it is in my control. The problem is, it isn’t. That’s when your heart breaks. But, when you finally realize that love is so much bigger than what YOU want, that love is in God’s hands, not yours, your broken heart will heal quickly.




  1. You just really, really, really, really loved him and that’s it.


            You can love someone with all your heart, and sometimes it still doesn’t work out. Maybe you loved him or her, but didn’t LIKE him or her. Maybe it felt really right for you, but not for the other person. That scenario is brutal.


Here’s the thing. In numbers 1-5, it sounds like I am placing the blame on you for your broken heart, and that’s not the case at all. But, if you understand what caused your heart to break, it’s easier to see what really happened without romanticizing it or sugar coating it, helping your heart to recover quicker, and preventing further broken hearts in the future.


The thing about a broken heart is, it’s kind of an oxymoron. Why? Because we continue to love again and again, which would be impossible if our heart was broken.


Love is almost magical, in my opinion. Because when true love happens, everything is really, really easy. Of course, everyone has issues in a relationship. I’m not saying it’s going to be perfect. But, when you meet the one who won’t break your heart, the relationship will just flow like a river. The two of you will be on autopilot. And, it will quickly cause you to forget all the times your heart was broken.





Dating a Widower? Hear What Women Have To Say About It

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in dating, dating after divorce, Dating over 50


dating a widow



I personally have never dated a man whose wife died, but I know plenty of women who have. From what they tell me, dating a widower isn’t easy. Then again, neither is dating a divorced man. What are the differences? What are the challenges of dating a widower? And are there positives?


I decided to sit down with a group of women, all who have dated a widower, and ask them about their experiences. Here are the highlights of the discussion:


  1. How is dating a widower different than dating a divorced man?

In any other situation, finding a mate is all happiness, but with a widower, it can be tempered w guilt. Widowers feel guilty that they are still able to enjoy happiness, while the person they lost can’t. They might also feel worried about other people’s perceptions. In other words, maybe others will judge them for finding happiness again. They might think, ‘Does being happy make people think I didn’t love my spouse?’


  1. What are some challenges you have faced?

There are both physical and emotional challenges. Physical reminders–mementos, personal effects, wedding pictures are difficult to see around the house. And it’s hard to determine the right time to speak up. You don’t want to sound insensitive, but you him to start letting go of the past and embracing the future. That’s not easy to do if his late wife’s clothes are still hanging in her closet. Emotional challenges involve certain days of the year, like the day she died or her birthday. Also, holidays that should be joyful (like Christmas) sometimes serve as sad reminders to the guy, when all we want is to celebrate like everyone else does.


  1. What helps in having a successful relationship with a widower?

Communication is so important. You can’t assume you know what they are feeling. You have to have patience, but still be firm in letting him know what you want and need to be happy. It’s easy to fall into the trap of catering to their widow status rather than making sure your emotional needs are being met.


  1. Any tips for someone dating a widower?

Don’t’ make demands but make sure he knows what you need. Keep in mind that everyone has catered to him for a long time, and that could possibly cause him to be a little bit selfish. Not that it’s his fault, but he might forget how to date properly and might not make the effort. The widower needs to learn how to be sensitive to you, as you are to him. Also, don’t let insecurities build up about the past. Raise the issues as they come up.

5. Is dating a widower ever hurtful at times?

It is hurtful to wonder if he will ever love u as much as his late wife, if you’ll ever be the most important person to him, if his loved ones are comparing you. Its hurtful to see that his identity is based on being her husband and you wonder if he can create a new identity. Its hurtful to feel like you can’t experience a holiday without it triggering memories of her.


6. Anything you want to say to a widower who might be reading this?

 No reasonable person expects you to forget your spouse. Dating someone new is about finding balance. It’s about taking the 8 by 10 wedding photo in the foyer down, knowing that your new girlfriend has no issue with you looking at photos of your wife whenever you want. We feel like if we say anything about taking the physical mementos out of site, you (the widower) automatically hears “shred everything” and that’s not what we’re saying. It just means put them in a more private place.

  1. The bottom line?

It’s important to apply the same standards to a widower as you would to any other guy. The only difference is you might need to have more patience. Having standards doesn’t mean you aren’t empathetic to the pain he’s gone through. Don’t settle for less from him than you would for any other guy.
Vestor Capital

Coming Soon!



                                                                     Sign In              Register

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: