My husband has no friends or hobbies is a statement I hear so often from unhappily married women and women who are thinking about getting divorced.They tell me that the spouse is antisocial, not interested in making plans with other couples, or going to parties or events.
First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying “My husband has no friends or hobbies,”) you might not think this is a big problem. You might think, “I’m a good husband and father, I don’t cheat, I’m not mean or abusive, and I’m a good provider financially. In other words, I’m a good person! Why does my wife nag me constantly to go out with other couples and to parties?”
While you might be all of these wonderful things, and a truly good, caring, kind person, if never wanting to go out and do stuff is a problem for your spouse, then it is a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed.
That said, I wanted to stress that being antisocial and not having friends or hobbies is not a flaw.
It’s not something that is a bad quality, or that you should be ashamed of. It might be an indication that the person is depressed or has some other issues, but it might not be that, either. BUT, if it’s causing an issue in the marriage, then it’s a problem.
Let me start my advice by speculating on what I believe could be going through the antisocial person’s mind:
‘I have all these kids around me and I love them, but it is constant chaos. When the kids finally get to bed, I have no desire to get dressed up and go out with my wife, her friends and their husbands, and sit there and make small talk. I just want to veg out in front of the TV and have peace and quiet. I don’t want to go to a couple’s party and make polite conversation. I do that at work 5 days a week.’
Now let me tell you what is going through the other spouses’ mind:
‘I still want to date my husband. I want to see how hot he looks dressed up and I want to be at parties as a couple. I want to have fun together without the kids. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. I want it to be like it was when we were a childless couple, with the benefit of having the kids in the morning.’
I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressure–like he/she can’t leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. Those feelings really need to be communicated in the relationship.
I want to move on to something I sometimes see happen to couples with this disconnect. After months (years sometimes), the social one is tired of begging his or her spouse to go out, so she starts going out to the parties by herself. She also starts going out with girlfriends. Eventually, she is at a bar and meets a man and starts having an affair. Before you know it: separation followed by divorce.I’m probably scaring people right now and I don’t want to do that. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and leaving, but the disconnect could pave the way for that path in some cases.
Here’s the good news. In many cases, couples who have this issue can fix it. Here is how.
In every marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs. Things we tell ourselves we will do to make the other person happy. Things we will put up with because we love so much other stuff about that person. Things we do because we love the person so much that we want to make him or her happy, and if that means giving of ourselves, we just do it. Because that’s what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed.
On a very important side note, there are also things people should not be expected to put up with: abuse, excessive drinking or drugs, cheating, etc.
So back to the advice. Relationships are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a business. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but if you want your business to thrive, you make good decisions, same as if you want your marriage to thrive.
So, if your wife wants to go out with you one night every week or every other week, do it for HER. By doing so, you are making a conscious choice that you want your relationship to be healthy and to thrive. Now, here is the second part to that advice: try to have fun. Try to enjoy it. Somehow. Don’t go out with her and then resent her and be mean. Let go and just enjoy that you made your wife happy.
I do realize that it isn’t this simple, and that people who are antisocial might be uncomfortable, and might feel awkward and hence start getting anxiety if they know they are going out to a social event. I completely understand, and would highly recommend talk therapy, meditation, and other relaxation techniques to try to overcome some of the anxiety and fear of being social.
Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you go out with. Maybe start by surrounding him or her with people they feel comfortable with. Let them choose the double date. Also, maybe they could choose the restaurant—a sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant.
And maybe the person who is antisocial could tell his or her spouse what they want. Maybe after a couples dinner, the next day, the couple can binge watch something on Netflix or spend the day at the beach, just the two of them. Remember, both people should be givers in the relationship.
Another piece of advice. ASK for what you want.Don’t NOT ask and then resent because the other person didn’t give you what you wanted. If you don’t come out and ask, the person can’t read your mind.
If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you don’t know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him:
“Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. I want us to be happy. Do you care? Because you are not giving me signs that you care. I don’t want to stop caring. I’m begging you to help me save us. Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. Please work with me. Tell me what you want from me and I will do it. I love you. DON’T let me stop caring.”
Don’t forget to have empathy for your spouse, and remember that the person isn’t behaving this way to hurt you. If he or she won’t change, it isn’t because they don’t want to change or because they don’t care about you or love you, maybe they are just too scared or don’t know how to change. Therapy can be very helpful for these kinds of situations.
When someone feels like ‘my husband has no friends or hobbies,’ it is very sad for both people. Feeling empathy for each other’s opinions, trying to give to one another, and being loyal to making the relationship work are the keys to staying together.
Like this article? Check out, 9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship
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Phil
My wife left me earlier this year. We had been married over 10 years and had 2 kids. One of the reasons that she gave was that she wanted to be with someone more extroverted. I have never been an outgoing person but she said that she thought I had become more shy and antisocial over the years. So I can’t disagree with your assertion that having an antisocial spouse can lead to separation and divorce.
What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix.
If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend Susan Cain’s book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” for an insight into what it means to be introverted (she has an entire chapter on how to deal with the issues that arise when an introvert is in a relationship with an extrovert). Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. It is a fundamental part of who we are. It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. It is not something that we should go to therapy to “fix”.
Also, define “antisocial”. I hate being among large groups of people I don’t know very well, and find making small talk very difficult. So I have never enjoyed large parties. However I do enjoy going out in smaller groups, with people I know well and like. I love having people over for dinner and entertaining in my home. At the risk of generalising, I think this is true for a lot of introverts: we hate making small talk in big groups, but love having deep, intimate conversations with individuals or small groups.
Nevertheless, I agree that you have a responsibility as a spouse to try to meet the needs of your partner. Personally, I was always willing to accommodate my wife and go out to parties with her. But I never enjoyed it, and for an introvert like me I don’t believe that’s something I could ever learn.
But accommodating the needs of your partner cuts both ways. If you are married to someone antisocial, instead of working on changing your spouse’s behaviour, it might be more constructive to work on the way you perceive your spouse instead or, as you say, look for social situations in which your spouse would be comfortable. For instance, I frequently suggested to my wife that we invite people over for dinner, but she would rarely agree to that.
You say the antisocial spouse should tell their partner what they want from them. What I wanted from my wife was acceptance. I think the most hurtful thing about my separation was realising that the person I married couldn’t give me that.
Read Susan Cain’s book. I can’t recommend it enough.
Parul
My My,, I read your comment and i felt m listening to my husband.. I feel bad.. may b he is not wrong. he also seems antisocial and this is the only reason we fight. I need to learn more about him and accept him for what he is.. he doesnt like being dressed up for occasion.. hardly talks to his family.. though he is good with his friends.. I had a dream of finding a gentleman kind of man but then dreams are dreams.. you need to accept the reality and live with it..though this thought becomes frustrating at times, I cannot imagine my life without him.. 🙁
Nadine
I am an introvert and still have social skills. What I cannot cope with are the rude, stupid, obnoxious pieces of shit that bother me and then call me a snob when they are horrible to contend with. Other than that, I am fine on my own or with others. I have no problem going out. Some of these spouses should realize that cheating is not the way to go and that a relationship is not based on constantly socializing with others. You have to spend alone time with your spouse not always go out. It is not wrong to want to go out two nights a week. If you want to party all the time and go out, marry that type of person. If you are a homebody, marry that type of person. The truth is, you chose that person. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. YOU. Not the spouse who was not what you wanted, that you chose, anyways. You cannot change people. Nobody is magic.
Jason
I think your wife was wrong for that. She should have asked you what works for you. There is a saying that says what may work for you may not work for me. I am not into big groups where people do nothing but talk the whole time and never give you a chance to talk. When they say things like, “You are being very quiet. Is something wrong?” it makes me just clam up even more. I have always hated intrusiveness and will not socialize with such snobby people. If they consider that rude and unfriendly that’s fine with me. That is just their perception. I can always find those people that I know I can be myself around. You don’t have to please everyone. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. Hope this helps.
Jason
I couldn’t agree more. This fits me to a T. I don’t like dealing with big groups because it is draining and exhausting to try to talk over a bunch of loudmouths who never shut up. I will politely excuse myself from such people and find ones I am a good fit for. Hope this helps.
Larry
I used to have the same problem, but I solved it with a compromise. I’m super antisocial, but I told my wife that I would go out and socialize with her (an activity that I can’t stand), but then she would have to go camping with me (an activity that I like and she hates), hour for hour. It worked! Not only did she ask me to socialize less, but I got to go camping with my wife, AND she (albeit barely) started to understand that (gasp) it’s normal for some people to not like various activities. Before that, she thought that hating camping was fine and acceptable, but hating socializing was a serious character flaw.
Vera
Being an introvert doesn’t mean one doesn’t like spending time around people. it means that we charge our batteries when alone.
I am an introvert, too, but I enjoy being around people, just not very large groups and then I need a break to refill the energy
there should be a compromise! it isn’t fair not to accept the other one’s personality, but it’s also not fair just to say “hey, I’m an introvert, leave me alone”
Kimberley
I am also an Introvert and that was the #1 reason why my ex wanted a Divorce. I agree with everything Phil wrote. Especially “Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. It is a fundamental part of who we are.” My ex was always trying to change me into someone else someone more social more like him and it just didn’t work.
Liz
Having been married to someone who was not particularly social, let me explain how I took this.
Both sides are right.
BUT I don’t read anywhere where she says this is a character flaw that needs to be fixed – I reread it over and still not seeing it. What needs to be fixed is the married couple’s inability to find a happy middle ground. For example, Phil, you’re right in that your wife should’ve agreed to have people over, given your level of discomfort. But, if you’ve never enjoyed going out to parties with your wife, I wonder how good you were at hiding it? I mean that only as a question. No criticism or judgment. There’s nothing worse than feeling like your spouse is joining you unwillingly. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. I know because mine would behave like that and often was unaware. I had to withstand the looks of my friends who wondered what his behavior was about. I can’t tell you how many have asked me after our separation if he has Asperger’s or something.
The words Jackie uses are almost verbatim with what I said to my ex, just add crying and pleading and the words “I’m afraid” and “chasm”, etc. He didn’t hear “I love you and I want us”. He heard “you suck”. And I had no way of knowing that.
It’s not easy, but all of this boils down to a higher issue that’s common – communication and compromise. That’s why I say both “sides” make good points. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didn’t get acceptance from their ex. All Jackie is doing is presenting what is going on on the other side too.
Denise
My husband loves being anti social. I am an introvert myself and understand the pain of big crowds and the dislike for shallow small talk. However, he reluctantly admitted that he was simply selfish. He explained that he does not care about what other people do or say. Why? What difference does it make to him? Most people are not interested in the same things he is interested in. He is also very smart and finds most conversations boring.
He is only interested in his own world and his own thing. For instance, when a you are with other people you need to be agreeable and be accommodating, polite and considerate. You can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to do. He told me that when he was younger he enjoyed going to Disneyland by himself because he could ride whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted.
AmericanAlpha
I 1000% agree with your husband.
I don’t have enough minutes left on this earth to waste even ONE on small talk I don’t care about. I care about my wife and children and that is it. Literally. I don’t care about anything a 3rd party has to say. I don’t care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe.
And why in the world would I ever want to be with a group of people or double date? That means I might spend an entire evening eating somewhere I don’t want to eat or going somewhere I don’t want to go or hearing a bunch of profanity or political talk I don’t agree with. You see, that is the crux. I am very clear on my views and I will tell you I think you are wrong. The fakies who love to hang in groups don’t like that one bit. Makes me laugh myself to sleep.
The beauty of life is I don’t have to deal with it. I won’t deal with it. If my wife of 25 years has a problem with that she can take a hike.
Jolene
LOVE THIS!
Antonio
¡Olé!
Rj
i understand people can be introverts but when you were dating you did things you socialised then you married and eventually stopped. BUT your spouse didn’t they know what it is to feel alone in a room you are in as you read your book or watch your tv show or sit on your computer. We have watched you go to family functions and wander outside or check your phone as we feel embarassed that our guests feel they are being ignored. Or we go to see friends and you are ready to leave upon arrival. What makes it worse is we see you happy to chat with your oldest friends. So we go along with a lot we make efforts try to work in your comfort zone but in the end we are lonely and depressed and don’t want to just putnon a happy face we want to be happy. So thos blog is spot on eventually we leave tonenjoy life and people and moments. We don’t hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. You just checked out and expected us to as well and that isn’t fair.
Toya
exactly!!
Lori
So true been doing it with my man for many years im done i wanna live and enjoy all my people not just his every couple years, always alone !
Randy
You got it! Maybe they’ll get it, maybe they won’t, who gives a shit, they don’t give a shit about us. Time to move on and live life, not staying home and smelling their farts all evening.
Sers
Same with me. My husband refuses to go to social events. It’s been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and I’ll be happy. Then those stopped and 98% of the time he doesn’t go. He might come to an event for an hour to pick me up if I didn’t drive. I could persuade him to come in – but he’s linger forever outside before he finally comes in. WE’ve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. He simply says he’s uncomfortable at social events particularly those that are crowded. We had the worse argument a few nights ago after he came in for one hour. It didn’t start out about the event but another topic came up which led to an argument about how little he does with me socially. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. I know he is hurt and has a hard time socializing but I feel equally hurt as I have had no indication from him that he understands how I feel. He has actually said that I have a problem for wanting him to go and I should see a counsellor. I think more than half the problem is that I feel he doesn’t have the sympathy I have for him.
Randy
dump his ass. He is selfish and deserves to be alone
Mike Whatley
That’s pretty butch there Randy, how ’bout turning it down a notch or two? Besides, you’re bringing the hammer down pretty hard on someone you don’t know.
Andy
I completely agree Phil. The nuances that comes with being an Introvert don’t need to be fixed or changed. There isn’t anything wrong with not enjoying small talk, or shallow parties. An Introvert doesn’t change into an Extrovert (unless it’s a temporary, necessary situation, like acting), and people should stop trying to change them. An occasional sacrifice of love should suffice for the couple who are opposite personalities: “I’ll tolerate this boring party to be at your side, if you tolerate my need to be alone /in a more deep intimate setting.”
Jack
I suggest you replace all references of “antisocial” with “asocial” in order to correct your article. You apparently don’t know the difference between the two.
Randy
I have a spouse who loves to watch TV. She says it “relaxes” her. Six hours a day. Boy, I’ll say. I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. That is not her idea of a fun evening. Only TV is. I’m checking out of this shit. I hate this and I resent her immensely. We’ve argued about this over and over. I’ve stated what I need, time and time again. Over the years I have tried going out without her, but then I would feel resentment when everyone else is with their significant other but me. She would be at home “relaxing” in front of the tv. When people would ask me where she was, I would say she is at home watching tv. When I would tell her what my response was to people who asked, she would get mad that I said that, because she was embarrassed about it. I have an aunt that divorced her husband of 15 years because he refused to be social and would not take her dancing on weekends. She married a man who loved to socialize and dance every weekend and they had a wonderful marriage together until his death a few years ago. Life is to damned short….I’m moving on.
Randy
And might I add that watching tv with her is no picnic as she sits there and passes gas for hours and hours.
...
Wow! For real??
Me
Non social or asocial is NOT antisocial aka psycopaths.
Paulo
I think it’s unfair to call someone ‘anti-social’ just because they don’t enjoy *your* idea of social occasions. What you’re talking about is somebody who is an introvert. It’s completely different.
Anti-social can imply someone who is rude or whose behaviour is offensive. An introvert in contrast is simply shy.
My wife once called me anti-social.
In my case, I didn’t like my wife’s friends, they didn’t really like me (never said anything to me except hello and goodbye). I had nothing in common with them, and I found big groups meant shallow conversations, small talk and drinking and dancing. It was boring, and I didn’t see the point of socializing with my wife if she’d only spend less than a minute with me all night anyway. I might just as well not be there.
So I stopped socializing with her, I went out and met new people and suddenly realized there were people out there that I found interesting, who found me interesting and who I actually liked and enjoyed being with. Meanwhile, without me there, she’d party longer and harder with her friends, and have much more fun.
Eventually it reached a crisis. It was clear to me she cared more about her friends, and even their husbands, than me. In my mind had kind of checked out of the relationship at that point and accepted I’d be looking for someone else soon. But to my surprise, she agreed to give it up. We started to socialize with people more like us (middle aged with small kids), in smaller groups where we could talk more, no drunken dance parties. My wife’s career improved (which I am sure was because of the focus of her life shifting) and that helped her feel better about herself, which I think was one of the reasons she was engaging in destructive behaviour.
After you’ve mentally checked out of a relationship, it’s hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel we’re getting there. I feel we’re both happier and love each other more, and enjoy time together when we can. It’s tough, I know if I am honest she’d rather be out chugging beers with her friends or hanging out with them and their husbands than me. But I think she also knows that would be self-destructive in a marriage. Similarly I’d probably have more fun out my myself, but I also know they’re not compatible with a happy marriage.
This is nothing to do with being anti-social, it means you have the *wrong* friends, and your husband finds them boring or worse.
Sue
This blog is hitting home with me. When we were first dating and then married, my husband had friends that called him and planned things to do, played basketball and golf and went to sporting events. That is my issue. I don’t want him to be something he never was. I want him to be the way he used to be. He now does what he pleases with no regard to pleasing others. He is on the computer, phone or in front of the TV 14 hours a day. Even with family, at the beach or even Sea World. I just wish I had my husband the way he was.
Jackie Pilossoph
I”m looking at this from the outside in, but it sounds like your husband is depressed. Would he consider therapy and maybe medication? If he had always been like that, I would have a different response, but the change means he is hurting emotionally. Talk to him. Tell him you want him to be the way he was. Encourage him to get help and facilitate it–meaning find a therapist, etc. I hope that helps.
AmericanAlpha
I see a theme on all sites answering this question. The man needs to compromise. WRONG.
Some people are introverted. It’s that simple. This type of person literally HATES to go out with anyone but their spouse. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? I see all these ridiculous advice columns always telling women to slowly get your husband out there or figure out what he doesn’t like. Nonsense. Leave him alone.
HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO IT. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. Got it? Life is short. We are here a very short time. Men, if you don’t want to do something DON’T DO IT. Be true to who you are and understand that it’s okay to not want to leave your house or compound. It’s okay to be an introvert or not attending social functions.
I have been married 25 years and I don’t do a thing I don’t WANT to do. If my wife asks me to socialize or attend a function I don’t want to go to, I simply say no. She can cry, yell, give me the silent treatment or anything else she wants to but I do what I want. I don’t demand she does anything. Ever. I married HER. I didn’t marry her friends, her family or any other person or thing. I only want to spend time with her or our children and that is how it’s going to be.
Again, STAND YOUR GROUND men. If your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be leaving the socializing and hanging out days behind anyways. If not, you have another set of decisions to make. If she wants to spend time with anyone but you get rid of them. It’s MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women.
Jason
I agree with you.
Jolene
I am sitting her laughing because I’m a woman and I agree with you 100%! I’m the introvert in my relationship. I’ve been nicknamed the loner with a time limit because I have a limit of 2-3 hours at any event. My husband likes to go to peoples houses and stay for the whole day. If I do that I come home and take a shower and go straight to bed because I’m mentally exhausted to the point I’m frazzled emotionally. I only go out once every couple of months with my sister who’s my best friend. I have acquaintances that I see two or three times a year and that’s all the socialization I need. I don’t even use social media. We’re all different and if you’re spouse can’t accept you the way you are, even if that means you’ve changed over the years – screw em, life’s too short!
kris
Many women leave men like you, your wife putting up with it too much. imagine not being able to ever comprimise for your partner, pathetic. not surprising with that username tbf
” If your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be leaving the socializing and hanging out days behind anyways.” did you become geriatric at 25 lol? how embarassing
Seriously??
There is a HUGE difference between being antisocial and an introvert. What you are describing as “antisocial” is actually being introverted. Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. Relationships with people who are truly antisocial are extremely abusive, and those who are truly antisocial do not possess the ability to truly love another person.
Lynn
Sitting here alone in Nashville because I did not know the plans my husband made with his friends. I am on vacation too and do not feel the need to follow along like a puppy dog. I like different things and my husband does not want to go and explore with me. He calls me anti social when I am not. I am an introvert and talk to people I feel comfortable with. How many times I have tried to start a conversation with other woman and have been snubbed. I have few friends and like it that way. I don’t need to be around people all the time to be happy. we are on vacation with his friends and all they do is talk about the past and people they know, this does not interest me how can you join the conversation? Feeling I married the wrong man for me.
Jason
Good for you. Be yourself and don’t ever change.
Julie D
I am an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. I probably would do more with him outside the home but going out means him drinking. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks – A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. It makes me cringe when he starts talking politics in a crowd. I dislike parties very much, for the same reason many other introverts do. Making superficial small talk is excruciating for me. I too prefer smaller gatherings where you can hear yourself think and have a more meaningful conversation.
Julie
My name is Julie also. I feel I could have written this post. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. I don’t know how much more I can take. Then I catch hell from everyone for “not liking” them. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time.
Beth S.
I’ve been married 29 years in 2 months, we have 3 beautiful adult children that are thriving. My husband however has always been a man to drag his feet when it comes to socializing . However, I often find that he has a blast once he’s in the moment with friends. He is 4years older than me and just doesn’t want to do anything. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess I’m tired of it. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isn’t happy. I have started to plan things with my single friends because of it. This really makes me sad… I don’t think he gets it and he will never agree to counseling. I’ve suggested that in the past. I’m worried we are at a bad crossing point. I don’t know what to do.
Beth Stevens
I’ve been married 29 years in 2 months, we have 3 beautiful adult children that are thriving. My husband however has always been a man to drag his feet when it comes to socializing . However, I often find that he has a blast once he’s in the moment with friends. He is 4years older than me and just doesn’t want to do anything. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess I’m tired of it. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isn’t happy. I have started to plan things with my single friends because of it. This really makes me sad… I don’t think he gets it and he will never agree to counseling. I’ve suggested that in the past. I’m worried we are at a bad crossing point. I don’t know what to do.
Seth
I’m a homebody and my wife always wants to go out, I feel I have a very good reason for not going out. She’s an impulsive spender. Honest to god, when we go somewhere like Taco Bell or kfc I get a 5 dollar box. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $15 worth of junk food against doctor’s orders. She has a job and yet I’m always tight on money. She’ll spend money on stuff she doesn’t need then cry when she can’t pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. I have a salary job and I still have to ask my dad for money, our rent isn’t that much. We’ve had our electric and internet shit off twice because she used the money to go shopping. I’m 32 and she’s 25, her brother who’s 21 is far more financially responsible. The day after our wedding we went to the casino because she whined and cried to get her way. I had to sell my laptop just for gas money. I spent hundreds at Kroger and she acts like a 2 year old when she wants to go eat out. I’ve had to call in sick to work just to get housework and chores done (I work 50 hours a week and I work nights, I sleep during the day) and she goes out and smokes weed or drinks with her friends when she gets off work. I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. Lastly, I get zero time to myself. I’ve always been loyal to my partner, I don’t drink, and she won’t let me do stuff without her. She always wants to go to her moms and gets mad when I suggest having some me time and meeting her there later. Back to finances, I won’t get a joint account because she maxed out a credit card and when I let her use my card to get necessities like bleach or detergent when we were dating, she’d overdraft. It’s impossible to save money with her. I’ve made so many sacrifices for her and she can’t take 10 seconds to pick up her mess. I’m seeing a counselor just to keep my sanity. Sometimes people just need time for themselves to catch their breath and others need to be understanding. I’ve tried taking to her about it and it becomes WWIII
R
My husband wasn’t a very extroverted person when we married, but he has become really social and extroverted 12 years later, and I continue to be introverted. I enjoy small groups of people I trust, and it’s hard for me to make conversation. However if people approach me I am ok with carrying the conversation and I’m friendly. However, when my husband and I go to some place, like our son’s weekly soccer event, my husband leaves me alone and start to socialize with other couples and men. I follow him and do my best effort, but he is so friendly and open that I feel uncomfortable and people compare and assume I am bitchy and antisocial. I swear I do my best, I wish he would “take my hand” and go a bit slower. It sucks I feel so left out.
I have not mention this to him because I really want to take this opportunity to improve a little, but at the same time I don’t think it’s fair, and I don’t think being introverted is a flaw or something to be fixed. Ugh.
Jackie Pilossoph
You 100% absolutely need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling!! Not in an argumentative way, but in a vulnerable, open and honest way. Tell him “I would like it if you took my hand…” etc. etc. Maybe he doesn’t realize it. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. He should understand that. But in all fairness, he can’t do anything about it if you don’t express what you need.
Amy
My husband say’s he has no friends because of me and its because I have to know who he’s going out with. And that’s true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, It’s been over 40 years since we did anything together. He rebelled by working mid-nights all holidays, weekends and gave away all his vacation time. Also he moved out of our house to be away from me and to be alone. He’s been retired awhile and has hobbies but that’s it! We never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldn’t stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly horrible world. We’ve been married 50 plus years and beyond any help. I guess we exist to end our lives alone.
Kay$
Reading this makes me so sad… hoping you are in a better place. Don’t waste your time like this!! You only have one life.
L J
I’m an introvert no friends, no hobbies can’t handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know It’s all fake. I’ve tried therapy thinking perhaps I could change my ways. A woman I still love left me almost three years ago and I still haven’t recovered. I wish I could change the way that I am but I’m just me. While in the relationship I did try to compromise and what ended up happening is I kept my part of the agreement and she didn’t. It was really toxic and didn’t survive.
Aaron
So your advice is to ignore his feelings and needs and force him to conform to what you want them to do through ultimatums and threats.
Gotcha.
Edward
I’m introverted. My soon to be ex wife is extroverted.
I’ve never been the party type, not in the 14 years we have been together. I’ve been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there.
I always told her I do better in small groups with people I know well already, but she has always wanted to do things in large groups. I find it difficult to interact when there are too many people present. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. Turns out she had been doing that though since about our second year of dating, so I don’t really believe my introversion was her reasoning. Sometimes people are just shitty people.
Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. I wish there was. I hate feeling drained from social interaction.
My wife was obsessed about going out with another couple. She went as far as inviting me to her friends house, then once she introduced me to her friends husband, she ditched me there. She tried to force a friendship. I’m sorry, it doesn’t work that way. That even was not the least bit fun. I told her, had she stayed and actually was a part of the conversation, maybe things would have been different. I can only make small talk for so long before I’m bored out of my mind. She said she did t want to have to babysit me. That I’m a grown man, and I don’t need a babysitter. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. Interacting with me. If I’m supposed to be different, and be super social, then she should have helped me do that, by joining the conversation rather than ditching me.
Paul
I guess we’re having a crapfest on men here. As a severely depressed man I should never have clicked on this article.
Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. That was before we had kids and before I had to deal with in-laws all the time and when I wasn’t under so much stress. I was also 15 years younger with more time and energy.
OK, well you’d like that back. We’d like you to be 22 again too. We’d like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. We’d like you not to nag us, because you sure didn’t do that when we were dating. We’d like you to take our side once in a while when we’re in a dispute with other people, men or women. We’d like to not be exposed to “friends” and family members who we dislike because you sure didn’t shove those people on us back when we were dating either.
But we don’t always get what we want.
Most of the stresses of married life, the house, the kids, the career aggravation, is all pushed for by the woman. Most men I know are perfectly fine with a single room and some electronics and a car. It’s very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. Women want all this crap and then we give it to you, and then you get mad because we’re burned out and not the same guy we were when we were 22, it’s ridiculous.
It’s no wonder that male suicide rates are through the roof when our issues get so little sympathy from the people we’ve invested our lives into. It’s sad. Men need to support each other more because you’re sure not going to get that from most partners.
I intend to tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely. Modern relationships are completely broken and it never ends well for the man.
John
Totally agree. Relationships with women fail the cost/benefit analysis every time. They’re the ones that want it in the first place. But they’re also the ones that create the drama that ruins relationships. And they’re the ones most likely to end a relationship. I’ve seen this movie before, and it always ends the same. Don’t waste your time with women.
John
I am a divorced man who hates going out and can’t stand dating. I recently got dumped by a woman because I would only see her once a week. I thought that was plenty, even too much. Then she got upset at me for not being upset she dumped me. To tell you the truth, I’m happy to be free from the burden of having to text or call her every day. And I’m really glad I no longer have to rack my brain to come up with an original, romantic, epic date every weekend. Now I’ve decided I’ll never have another girlfriend.They feel like they have the right to demand my time and attention. They don’t. I’m so much happier single.
Talha Ubaidullah
Jazakallah. Understanding the impact of an antisocial spouse on marriage and suggesting compromises, this article advocates empathy and communication to address the issue, emphasizing the importance of making the relationship thrive through mutual efforts.
Ellen Beener
WOW! I came to this website looking for a peaceful solution ot my loniness in a marrauge of 26 years.I found a lot of insite intothe other person and I admit I am syrprised how many mne aremturned off to by women. I guess I need to do some soul searching myself and taske better care of my own needs and stop trying tohave the perfect husband and the perfect relationship and start taking better care of me.
I once thought marriage was two people totaly in snic with oen another all the time. I have come to see that it is not always the case, I am married to decent man who is not outgoing or interested in whatb I am but we once did have fun togetehr. After 26 years we have changed and grown a bit in differnt directions. I am now, after reading all these shares , going t make a better effort to let him be hime and allow me to be me . We bioth deserve to live our lives as we like and make ourselves happy in the way we like as individuals while repsecting us as a committed couple,
Reading the resentment that so manyn men feel about being forced to chnage made me feel bad about how I have been with my husband, He says he lobvess me and lets me be me. Why do I need to change this man for me .He seems OK the way he is. He doesn’t ever complain. I do. I wan this and that from him. Maybe I need to give myself more and love and TLC. We are adults not kids anymore.
Michael
I am married to a woman who chose to engage in a relationship founded on deceit and fantasy, involving a man on a White Horse. After enduring 45 years of her misleading behavior, I delved into research and uncovered the root cause of her issues: Borderline Personality Disorder. I sent her to a psychiatrist and she confirmed the diagnosis. It leaves me questioning whether she is truly mentally ill or if her manipulative tendencies play a significant role. Manipulation at home, and the therapist’s office. This week, I caught her talking to her friend in a way she claims is difficult to do with me. I asked her for a divorce. There is no cure for a pathological liar or a person with BPD. She is cursed.
Stressed
My husband claims to be introverted and is, somewhat, but not as much as he claims. His main issue is he grew up in a family that never did anything, doesn’t communicate and he never learned social skills.
He constantly backs out of everything and I have to force him to do stuff, which I hate. I am a mix, I can be extroverted and can be introverted. I cannot cope if I haven’t had quiet time every day. It raises my resting heart rate and stops me sleeping. He has none of these problems, he just doesn’t want to do things. It also affects him at home as he doesn’t know how to play with the kids, just next to them. Recently this has morphed into him trying to show his male and adult dominance. Genuinely believing there is a hierarchy of worth in the house. With Him at the top, then me and then all the kids. The almost adult children expected to do as they are told, when they are told and no working together, same as the five year old. Which is honestly a huge turn off and toxic. It is a direct reflection of his parents though.
I don’t really want to make him do things, but when I say everything, I mean everything. No shopping together, no birthdays, no once a year meeting with our friends, no having people over. Nothing. He just wants to sit and game. Occasionally he will bemoan he didn’t go for a drink with the people from work, but, I have never stopped him and always offer to be his driver for the day if he mentioned it before the event. This hasn’t happened in over a year though. He waits until after.
He is socially awkward at times, but, when I do force him to do things always has a good time and makes connections with people. He can be very loud and extroverted. He just chooses not to be.
He isn’t depressed.
He cannot take feedback of any kind. Most of the time he will explode sometimes he just carries it inside him.
So, I don’t know how to work with this. I feel guild for having hobbies and friends. My hobby takes up a couple of hours at the weekend and I only see my friends at weekends maybe once a month. Often for a quick coffee trip and even more often with children accompanying me. Meals or longer events are maybe once a year, if that.
Everything is his way or argument. Which is just making him engage even less in leaving the house.
now, he is a good guy that I love and he loves me. He can be loving, kind, thoughtful and is getting better at spending time with the young kids. Much worse with the older ones as he is alienating them by telling them they are the bottom of his imaginary hierarchy (yes I have intervened and spoke to him, it makes no difference).
He just absolutely refuses to be social, even once a year, even for our kids birthdays, without serious co-ersion.
It’s dragging down, a long with his newly acquired toxic viewsz out marriage.
Tiredofit
It’s interesting to read comments reacting to this article. My observation as an extrovert married to an introvert – introverts are controlling and unwilling to compromise. I see the back lash against the author’s suggestion to get therapy and try to compromise- it sounds like pure selfishness. My husband did not reveal himself to be antisocial until we were married. We had fun prior to that. Once we were married compromise stopped – a different person emerged. I believe in the sanctity of marriage – it’s been 9 long years of a person who won’t even go out to the movies, a restaurant with just me – just wants to go to work, come home and watch TV in another room. There are no interesting conversations, no physical intimacy – it’s all about what HE wants and needs. As I have looked for advice and ways to cope – I’ve seen lots of articles – with lots of the same feedback. Extroverts begging for a molecule of compromise and introverts saying NO and defending their actions like an alcoholic defending their addiction. How about this – if you’re an extreme introvert- show it dating – be authentic – quit lying on the front end and then stubbornly expecting your spouse to never get their needs met after marriage. Most of the responses are so selfish. Grow up and take some personal responsibility for meeting reasonable expectations in a marriage. Even if your spouse sees you just trying- it shows you care. Maybe extreme introverts shouldn’t marry at all – if all they really don’t like compromise, being around other people or hold their end of relationships. If all you want to do is work and TV – then do that.
ray
gawd. from what i see here. women do not understand why men are like this and it has NOTHING to do if they want to be with you. or go places. and the fact anyone argues with men about this is showinbg how little you get men. I personally have a lot of stuff from when i was a kid. im 53 now and i have no iontrest in crowds. after work and bills i just want to be left outof things with others. It has Nothing to do with not wanting to be social. it judt makes me so uncomfortable in public. have to censor myself, fake smile, hear conversations i am not interested in. I just cant do it. I got other issues in the back of my head that need silence. gawd i love my girlfriend but i cant.. just cant care enough about others to hear about their lives. ill help anyone in need but i dont want a thank you, no reward nothing, i hurt inside when i say i dont want to go. i really do. but i cant go.
kris
some women, most women, from my experience, are never satisfied. i’ve met a handful of couples who genuinely enjoyed each others company and were happy just to be together. i’m not a spring chicken anymore either and I don’t have the time or the energy or the resources to have all these “friends” and hobbies that cost alot of money. i’m happy hanging out at home. if someone needs to be out and about and most importantly, be on social media, it’s not a match. women are choosing dogs. they can order them around and get alot of positive reinforcement from other women who are so disappointed with men. I’m a woman btw…but most women are so fake and back stabbing I prefer the company of men, or just nice kind regular people who don’t have to be the center of attention at all times.
kris
Yeah I think you should never have gotten married. Obviously incompatible. Happiest couples I’ve met are not interested in being “social”—they are happy together and don’t need outside stimulation to keep them from being bored. Marry another extrovert and compete for attention…oh wait that won’t work either. A lesbian friend once said something very profound and in many ways. true…she said “things were better when we were in the closet.” Your special relationship was something to be guarded, treasured, nurtured and enjoyed. Now everything is for public consumption, oh everything. And why not sample the buffet? Why, your partner should be more outgoing and interesting cause you are! One wonders why some people need a partner at all….